Header snip originally from giphy, added onto to by other enthusiastic fans, and then I took it through memedad.
-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
 photo README2.gif


Tuesday, October 17, 2017

les miserables

Happy Birthday to me. The U.S. Department of Treasury now holds my student loan. Among a very long list of collection measures are
  • We can refer your debt to the U.S. Attorney for litigation.
  • We can perform computer matches with other Federal agencies to determine if you are a government employee or a recipient of other Federal aid for purposes of offsetting all or a percentage of these funds.
  • We can refer your debt to the Department of the Treasury for offset of Federal and/or State payment due you (including your Federal income tax refund). (Funny story- we're already having to file injured spouse for illegal garnishment of said refund one year without payback, so basically, the feds broke their own laws and didn't recompense.)
As per my Dear Gregory letter, loan forgiveness for complete disability means nothing, years of attempting to comply mean nothing, and the only way 'out' of this daily hammering is to pay all the debt right now (only half of which is actually debt) or set up repayment for the rest of my life that never touches principle. I could pay for 20 years and have less than 10% paid on principle. And now it's back, after being sold off multiple times for profit, in U.S. government hands.

I have been through several presidents on both sides during all this, so it has nothing to do with the president. This is how America does business. This is legal debtors prison, entrapment in a system that doesn't allow honest payback. If they had allowed me to make the payments I tried to make all along (even one dollar short is rejected entirely, so trying to arrange payments on limited income has been a hoot), this would already be paid off. I have not been able to generate income since 2006.

You guys can see if I sell an actual book I'll immediately get swooped on for collections, garnished on all sides, and never build up any level of credit. All income will go to the U.S. government. A domino effect of that will be my disability case being yanked back into review and going into lawsuit for the received moneys so far to be paid back. That's happened to me before (as a single parent on food stamps) because of a paperwork glitch, and once that ball gets rolling, it's just pure suck. The best advice a lawyer could give me was just don't answer the phone.

I'm not alone.
Medicare even with medigap did not pay for my cancer testing. They don't pay for my eye exams and glasses. They don't pay a cent on dental. They are very strict on the kind of medical care I receive and for how long, no matter how limiting my life is. Thankfully, they have been more generous than insurance ever was, but in the end, setting up a monthly payment that exceeds 25% of my very limited 'income' from the government to go back to the government is about the stupidest thing I ever went through in my life, and all the people involved in all the paperwork are taking home better paychecks than I ever did on all my jobs, and have excellent healthcare coverage and other benefits.

You want to know why America has homeless and impoverished disabled? Because it's good business to sell and resell debt. It creates jobs out of thin air. The miserable are one of the shoulders our government rides on. It's all just a big legal game everyone is playing.

But I'm thankful we have real laws against actual debtors prison.

Monday, October 16, 2017

it's all right

the description when you click is sad 😢
When this post elicited this response yesterday, I burst into tears because I knew someone actually heard me.

I've said before that sometimes my worst days are also my best days. This comment happened a few hours later.

There are days where family and friends don't know what to do with me, and I withdraw for all our sakes because my world is so black no one can handle me. Thank goodness for this distraction, which happened in the nick of time. Not sure if you can see it without a facebook account, although it is public.

I rarely reach a point where I'm listing possible names to grab on some kind of call or private messaging, but yesterday I was down to 3 names and ticking a list of what each person could probably handle on short notice without it actually killing a relationship and coming up empty handed. Having social media accounts on the internet was that little ledge I hung onto with one last claw.

Thank goodness time passes, but I wasn't released until I made it through the kind of long and detailed nightmare that spits a person out on Monday morning feeling really crabby. Thankfully, crabby is one of my salvation modes, and then there was coffee. And then I got busy and now I'm mostly ok.

#transparency My world doesn't feel ok. I'm pretty sure it's a virus and my nervous system is doing its best, but in my brain (nerve central) it feels like everything is so sad that I can barely make a plan, and I think I need to leave the house in 30 minutes for an appointment. I'm pretty sure my mood swings will be off the hook until this virus is over, and I very naturally fell into a writing rhythm dealing with it, like I have trained myself for years to do when I don't know what else to do.

On days like this, tears just stream down my face nonstop. Sometimes I don't even notice. I don't actually cry or weep, they just stream. When I think about it, I'm actually thankful because the nerve damage was bad enough for a couple of years not to be able to make tears at all in one eye. Tears are good.

I don't worry about what people think. No one asks, usually. I'm alone so much that there is no other outlet. People are busy and my stuff is overwhelming and transitory, and I know I can make it to another point in time where I feel better, because I have before.

All the same, I'm very tired, stuff looks and feels very hard, and I don't know if I can be good for people right now, so I'm winging it. I'm keeping it simple. I tell people around me to just tell me what to do and I do it. Tell me what time it has to be done, and I make sure it's done. I don't try to think beyond that. I trust that being told what to do and when it needs to be done by will be what I need to get through the day. Today I have several things to execute in a certain time order, and those are my stepping stones today.

This is the black side of autism spectrum egocentric narcissism in a spoonie body on a manic dip into a nonexistent abyss that feels really real. These are the moments where the word 'friends' doesn't save me, where my love for my family can barely shine a tiny light in a far off distance, and where I am the only one I can count on to save me.

God bless fans. This song has been saving me for so many years.

Time to run out our door.

big worms

click for a tweet thread with pix
I couldn't take Disney Jr anymore and veered Bunny into Syfy last week. I had all the Tremors movies saved on DVR, and I was desperate to get my brain back. If you've ever woke up fresh out of bed with the Doc McStuffins theme or the hotdog song from Mickey Mouse stuck in your head, you know what I mean. I needed hardcore Syfy sustenance, stat! And bam, there was Tremors.

@TremorsGuide liked one of my tweets, so I found out there is an Unofficial Guide to Tremors, and that goes to a cool website with links to the book (and kindle) about behind the scenes. "A throwback to the kind of sci-fi B movies that had long gone out of fashion, Tremors was a box office flop that became a home video phenomenon, spawning multiple sequels and a short-lived TV series." Tremors is actually one of Syfy's best franchise hits. I've been public about being a Burt Gummer fan since 2008.

Tremors 6 comes out in 2018!!!! Tremors 6 Gets A Release Date- The original date got pushed back, so summer 2018. You can find announcements like this one on facebook (click the next pic) (remember that the date has changed since he posted this)

and follow Michael Gross on facebook and twitter for real time updates as he finds out himself.

And if you want more on the TV pilot... lol. Yes, another series, yay!!!

We love the 'big worm movies' in our house. People keep asking me what the big worm movies are that Bunny has been talking about this last week.

click pic for tweet
the tweet clicks to
this article
I. Can't. Wait.

This is a fan post, with no compensation. I am a ~fan~. This is also posted at SyfyDesigns.com

Sunday, October 15, 2017

attention whores

Two years ago I opened the Pond of Death.

I named it after a popular Eddie Izzard skit.

At the time, I was deeply struggling with appropriately sorting private and public content about progressing through psychological challenges that include a variety of mental diagnoses and remaining public about it through the roller coaster of social medias. In short, real time interaction stymies me.

Over time I got my stuff mostly sorted out and stopped using Pond of Death, excepting the occasional freak out, which I used to do on private blogs but no longer blog privately.

Pond of Death is very useful for defining that public/private boundary and how I keep my balance. Beyond that, some of the material was toxic inner turmoil dumping that I struggle with and goes nowhere because I'm generally mistaken and just having nerves, so I've pulled that back.

Pond of Death still isn't listed for search engines and still doesn't support comments, but I've gone through it and picked out a more permanent archive.

Aspienado has super spilled a lot of personal stuff onto the webs. Pond of Death especially showcases who I am, what I'm doing, and why I'm here. I felt iffy about that blog for a long time, unsure of its worth or potential or possibly fail, but with a little water under the bridge, I feel it is a unique collection of inner working turmoil that comes with multiple mental illness challenges, and therefore vital to public access. Some of us work very hard to survive, and many are none the wiser and later quite stunned when someone suddenly commits suicide or blasts up a party or a school. I think it's important to share how hard I have worked to still be here.

And as always, I repeat that I believe we all have *something* and most of our 'innocent' bumping around is all our different neurodiversities figuring stuff out. Some of us will never learn to get along, others of us will finish the race with flying colors. In the end, we all wind up on deathbeds with regrets unless we're unlucky enough to get our lives ripped away in accidents and crimes.

If a person reads the Pond of Death blog all the way back, you see where this post title comes from.

I'm otherwise thinking about retiring Pond of Death. I think it's usefulness for me personally was a timely thing, and not meant to be entertaining or a continuing toxic unloading zone. It will stay as is.

I really like that blue background, though.