Header snip originally from giphy, added onto to by other enthusiastic fans, and then I took it through memedad.
-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Wednesday, August 16, 2017

the mighty pen

I started this about an hour and a half before midnight two nights ago.

I should probably be paying more attention.

I only found that because I couldn't keep a game server up and wasn't quite ready to pull my brain off the screen yet. As far as I can tell, a specific something kinda boomed in a particular couple of areas that was most likely Lexx related. Oh, nothing, just deep underneath the surface mining ores 'n stuff, glancing up...

I've started asking this question of a few people around me in real life and online- If you knew you could make $100,000 over the next 2 years, would you let anything stop you? And then when I move on to Would you let your depression stop you?, the response instantly lets me know they know exactly what I'm talking about.

I believe I am capable. I believe I have worthy material. My stats let me know once in awhile that other people think that, too. I have things to say that have garnered interest from nearly every country on the planet, some of the most specific hits coming in on posts leaning out over that not-quite-saying-it edge on religion and politics. Well, today it may have been about fandom freedoms and politics.

I don't share all of what I really think on blogs. As I inch closer and closer to hard copy print merch, it's becoming more clear how much impact I could possibly have. Original intention was to have impact, yes, but originally, I never even dreamed of how much impact just a few blog posts could have.

I love author bios. It's cool finding out that Orwell was unimaginably ill with tuberculosis as he was writing 1984. It's comforting finding out that a favorite book here or there took ten years to write. It's weird wondering what a generation or two after me would say if I ever really did make it. It's horrible thinking it will all go to the grave with me if I don't get this done.

I haven't been this emotionally and physically drained in years. Fatigued, yes. More crippled and suffering, yes. More sick and afraid, most definitely. But too tired to care... never. I don't recall ever reaching this point before. Even when I got close, anger would always push me back onto my path. I'm too tired to be angry any more.

Revenge is best served cold. I'm beginning to see a new interpretation of that. I think it's often meant more like a well-planned revenge works best when the temper flaring is out of the way. I'm wondering now if it could also mean revenge is best served when it is no longer even cared about. I'm noticing a new freedom growing in my mind. The tireder I feel, the less I worry about consequences or perfect timing or the money that's gone into it. By the time I get this done, I'll be so worn out that I'll still be a completely normal person living a normal life trying to get back into an occasional live tweet, like what I did never even happened. Big deal, right Neal? Oh yeah, that book thing. I'll be more concerned about how far behind I'm dragging on a TV show or whether I can keep up with other players on a game server.

Now it is today.

And I don't have much to say. Scratch that, I have reams in stack overflow. I've been writing on anything and everything I can lay hands on when tech is down and I'm spread thin across the maps. Back to school pens and spirals are my Christmas, all boiled down.

I'm to the point where I don't believe any author that actually manages to write on any kind of schedule at all has enough family life of some kind going on. #fam When I arrive to my deathbed, I definitely won't be regretting that I didn't stop continually over and over in the middle of paragraphs and sentences and thoughts to respond to people I care about on all sides coming to me for anything and everything.

The love is so very real. I hope to God I get this done.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

I brake for nothing

So 5 major life change things happened right after I made out a work schedule with a countdown for the end of August.

  • Bunny broke her arm.
  • We got strep.
  • @bonenado's work finally sold, after 3 years, and changes hands on Tuesday.
  • Bunny enrolled for pre-K in a local school, and that starts Wednesday.
  • I started a new and very different therapy schedule.

So we've been in nonstop transitioning and acclimating mode for the last 2 weeks, and this coming week is #ALLTHETHINGS rising to a great big crescendo.

And, of course, that's not even counting the whole week of internet browning out from more weather and the latest big W10 update that had me scuttling for disk space. And through THAT I managed to keep up with a game server economy flip and got my player shop updated. Somehow. Like by relogging every 5 or 10 minutes at several points, or rebooting the computer over again after hourly cache and temp wipes in between brownouts and disconnects. You know how many times I've seen this just trying to blog a little?

Clearly nothing stops me from doing what I want even when I'm caught in freeze frame. Me and Jawn irl, fighting over keyboard control. You didn't see me lose my internet connection after nearly every single sentence and then for 30 minutes straight just before posting. I'm having to finish on my phone.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Did you plug it in?

The struggle is real.

It's been a long week. I've been pro-wrestling the game server today just keeping internet long enough at a time to execute and complete one or two actions, such as properly signing a player shop chest or reaching a teleport destination before another abrupt disconnection. The brownouts have been so bad around the house that I could see the microwave dim just trying to make a cup of tea. We haven't actually lost electric at all, but it's like my whole house is on 1980 level power support, and my router is definitely feeling it. Blogger will go 4-5 minutes telling me it can't auto-save as I go, so imagine me pulling off not only keeping up with the economy flipping in game, but ramping my wealth from 25K to I think around 113K before I finally gave up awhile ago. Meanwhile, the continual brownouts assured that I'd be frustrated enough to spring out of my chair getting all the dishes and laundry caught up before the weekend.

And I'm having a headache.

I recently started another therapy schedule, this one focusing on cervical atlas and axis. I don't know why no one's ever thought of this before, but since I had a SEVERE whiplash when I was ejected from a car flipping at 19, no one's ever actually looked at it like this among the plethora of x-rays, CTs, and MRIs over the years for nasty trigeminal and cranial nerve pain and migraines that even had people doing random spinal taps on me. At any rate, getting a proper look at that area, if you are actually looking for it and at it, shows an off-balance tilt and a slight cockeyed compensation. Yes, the bones are actually not straight like they should be, which means the soft tissues around them are taking turns swelling and being squished. In short, everything below that point is at the mercy of the nerve trunk and nerves in that area being compressed. I lived with what one doctor called a sprained neck for over 2 decades, basically a permanent charlie horse that took physical therapy 4 1/2 years to get back to kinda normal because it evidently affected and referred down through shoulder, chest, and even leg. But it's still a compensatory kind of normal, meaning that I'm still using workarounds to fake being able to live normally, which has been really interesting as I've watched professionals discover I can't feel large parts of the right side of my body while the left side hurts quite badly, and they're telling me the right side is actually worse. Meanwhile, I've had problems swallowing for years, and have brought it up a few times with various doctors. I've had my entire face and head go completely numb. I've lived with nerve fail coming and going in my left eye (couldn't make tears for 3 years), left ear (unremitting stabbing pain in my ear drum), and crazy itchy spots that was all I could do not to tear my skin off for months, and this is the first time anyone has ever said hey, let's really look at this area.

So through the rest of August I will be doing very specific atlas therapy, followed with clinical TENS. Like any therapy, several hours or a couple of days following will have me feeling 'beat up', which is normal for every therapy I've ever been through. Pain reduction is the overall goal, but along the way, nerves are going to respond to every little thing as things change, and I know I will go through pain changes and some pain referring, and even if I'd say I actually experienced the pain level being lowered, I would still feel 'beat up' and sometimes cry. To me it's more like a relief cry, like when you're sick and start antibiotic and then feel gross as it kicks in, even though you know you're getting better.

Being an interactive emotionally well adjusted person during this kind of pain focus (on top of autism, which is a sensory overload issue at the heart of it) will be very challenging. I'll do my best, but if I grind any of you up into hamburger and feed you to rats and then grind the rats up to stuff into snake skins for kielbasa, please accept my apologies ahead of time, because you'll probably feel unforgiving later. Like I've said here and there in past posts, if I'm not talking to you, it's probably a good thing.

I'm getting an 'out of disk space' warning. Sorry, no youtube today. I don't even care, this week has been stupid with my laptop and the power brownouts.

Monday, August 7, 2017

like the old days

So I put "race of intergalactic beings without pinky fingers" into a search bar and came up with these goodies-

Get Along Without a Pinkie? It’s Tougher Than You Might Think 12-15-08 kinda old reflection during a suspected writer's block
ANCIENT ALIENS? Mummified three-fingered 'non-human corpse unearthed’ 6-22-17, rather fresh one here
Say goodbye to pinky toes 9-18-14 NOOOOOooooo

Why are you doing this, you ask. Because my internet is too slow and sucky for gaming, I reply. Oh, you say. Yes, it sucks, I say.

Three weeks till the big eclipse, guys. Hey, I stick up for the picked on. Also, click for more, because if you're reading Pinky blog, you're probably as bored as I am. #10 is awesome.

I just discovered that "panki y el guerrero" is a thing. Hm. Moving on. Oh, here we go, press the Bored Button. Meh. Wo, lol, I come up in an 'Elon Musk' search.

Ok, here you go. you're my lobster Not a clue in the world why that particular post got associated with Elon Musk in a search. The only time I even mention him here in Pinky blog out of over a thousand posts is on base reality. If someone dragged my writing into comments somewhere else, I guess thank you? Kinda weird how this one worked out.

I'm actually looking for the post I made once with all kinds of doo-dads to play around on. Super facepalm on it being impossible to find, even with all the tags I use.

Ok, I'm worn out now. I've looked and looked and finally just ran into this vid I salvaged on a Pinky post on Xanga. "I could easily write 10,000 words on the magic of the old days"... I'm going out on this one.