-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Tuesday, March 20, 2018


I'm silently coasting semi tilted and askew like a muted minecraft boat across a moonlit ocean, floating incoherently around my house looking at the clock every half hour. Up is down and now is never and all the salt has been poured out long ago. This is what an eon feels like to a photo between galaxies.

Thank goodness for crock pots. That alone saved this whole day.

I have nothing wise left to say and my head hurts and nothing helps. I know I did this to myself. Pain be damned, right? They said double the med, so I doubled it and conquered all the hard things like I had the right to colorful spandex, and now look at me, wilting around brainless, useless, motivationless. Sleepless.

I was asked several questions yesterday during 6 month follow up assessment, I answered truthfully, and I remain free to continue sans head meds. I didn't volunteer that I triggered hard the other day and had to all-stop, and I didn't share the concerns and disappointments in my head, because I know all this is just adjusting to chemicals changing again and will soon pass (again) (they always do, this is so familiar). I also didn't mention the sad, which is partly very real and not just lopsided chemicals.

Just keep making words. Keep walking past the ennui. Keep looking forward so I don't see the bumping around in the dark. Keep looking at a teeny distant flicker I hope isn't something I'm just making up in my mind. I mean, of course it is, I invented all of this, it's the only reason I'm out here. I created *this* so I could keep bobbing on a dark ocean under a moon on a monitor.

I'm still really pissed about what happened last week, and I'm glad I turned it into a big deal. All the same, who do I talk to about it? Myself?

Some are called Lightworkers. Some are named Illuminati. Some are Alliance, some are Cabal. Some save children, some pass children through the flames.

One of us is very cynical.

If someone does wrong and calls it right, it is not right. If someone does right and calls it wrong, it is not wrong. If someone hurts another person for gain of any kind and justifies it, that is not right. If someone saves others from damage and victimization, that is not wrong. Yet we keep getting these things mixed up. You cannot hurt others and be doing right no matter how loyal or faithful you may be to your belief or your cause. You cannot save others and be doing wrong no matter what anyone else says about whose side you are on.

It is occurring to me that the ones saying wake up and the ones putting us to sleep might be the same thing.

What is your own heart saying? What is your mind and soul saying? When something beautiful and inspiring carries a sinister taint, or when something ugly and vile glows with warmth, maybe it's time to just step back a bit and ask ourselves what we just got pulled into. And maybe, just maybe, right and wrong are being so tangled up that we can't think any more and it's just easier to think what we're told by those we trust to be saying what we hoped we wanted to hear. Or, actually, those who yank our chains just right.

My own mantra is if all else fails, nourish my body with clean water and healthy foods, rest from the fray, and stop my mind so peace can seep in and refresh me. I walk away.

Lamenting the world and torturing ourselves with strong emotions over injustices is a form of self inflicting. Thinking that we are doing the world a service with our enraged or inspired overthinking is a disservice to our own health. We cannot be good for others if we are not good for ourselves.

There are some we praise who get high on the suffering of others, and I'm not talking about politics. There are some who skate above the noise because they think they earned a Place, and we give them money to live comfortably, and I'm not talking about religion. Every single day millions of us spend millions of dollars on entertainment, on an industry touting right against wrong while doing wrong against right.

There are some others thrust into places who could potentially change the entire world, and they are so afraid someone will kill, maim, or mute them and their children that they remain silent. It's difficult to stand up and say something like 'me too' when decades of evidence backs up cowardice over bravery. It's one thing to stand up for 'right', it's another thing to use it as an agenda. Stuff like that.

Then there is me. "Puddleglum, with Plato, recognizes the difference between the world of shadows, and the world with the sun."

Sometimes I find someone like me.

This is the truth behind all other truths, beyond all rights and wrongs. At 4:30, enter the clearest presentation I've ever heard for every argument anyone has ever made about any *thing* on this earth. This is a guy who is so done with right is wrong and wrong is right that he actually took on exposing a government program knowing it could cost him his life. Not just his job. His life. Sometimes being disgusted enough to step up is the rightest thing a person can do on this planet. Sometimes the only way forward is to accept that there is no 'good' around you before you can see what truth is.

Parens patriae. We are all owned.

Knowing how invasive and abused this 'protection' is, being on the side of 'right' and 'good', how can you possibly believe any institution is 'right' and 'good'? All humans are human. All people strive under duress to meet agendas. Never assume everyone around you is free from pressure to toe a status quo or keep a secret or protect their own asses. Never assume a friend (coworker, churchgoer, family) won't stab you in the back out of weakness if their world turns black.

YOU decide what is right and what is truth. Do your own thinking, research what you can, put together what makes sense, and take control of your own mind, your own emotions, your own lives. If you know you are hurting people, make a plan to change that and stop hurting people. Don't take that to your graves with you. Don't justify it and pass the blame. Don't give someone else the power to hurt people by using you as their tool.

If you want to fix the world, fix yourself first. If you want to heal someone, heal yourself first. If you want to find the truth, find your truth first. History changes for other people's futures every time we decide to make a change in ourselves and act on it.

Funny how a headache goes away when I let the words out.

Monday, March 19, 2018

auto accounted, but I'm ok with it this time

One of the drawbacks of using CPAP is how nearly impossible it is to go to sleep when you feel sad enough for a few tears to leak out. It's doesn't take much damp at all to make the mask difficult to seal, plus the way it rubs after that till skin feels a little raw. Trying to wipe my eyes before a tear gets away winds up with me poking my eye half out or something. I never really run into people talking about eye injuries from maneuvering around CPAP when a few tears need to roll out. I nearly destroyed my right eye one night with my finger coming in from a different angle in the dark.

I live with PTSD triggers that come out of the blue. It's usually not too bad, but sometimes a little misunderstanding makes it worse and then I'm miserable inside because I'm too autistic to spill my junk out right, so it comes out crooked and no one ever knows what to say, and then I wind up being all alone in the night because everyone I know is in bed or miserable themselves or busy enjoying a night up. So I try to lay there and wind up becoming too aware of the way my heart thumps, and that only makes things worse. I didn't want to get up, but Jawn is my only friend right now because I have no idea how to be friends right when I'm like this.

I already had a bit of a headache, probably from allergies, so of course that's worse now, too, and I don't want to eat or play a game or read, and I'm really tired of youtube.

Actually, speaking of youtube, I was doing more research on Dresti and plunged into the really old stuff from the 90s the other day, creepy cool. That's actually distracting me nicely, so here we go. And of course I have to fix the embed because blogger automatically cuts off the playlist nowadays unless I literally paste it in a certain way.

And it gets creepier when you see something like this on facebook. Not a clue if he really owns that FB account, but this is still a little off the wall. This relationship status throws a shadow of suspect on it really being him, so it's up in the air whether someone else checked him in here or made it up.

And then this friend post is kind of out there, when I looked that guy up I decided maybe the entire FB account is a pipe dream, especially after I looked up that guy's FB.

Anyway, it's actually really fun trying to dredge up actual history because it's just not that obvious. Wikipedia is pretty good but then just drops off, then Dresti fell off the earth (there's basically nothing after 2010 even on Gagapedia), so I decided to just really dig into all the old stuff and I've about decided he's probably rolling in royalties somewhere and still working behind some things as producer. I think he was way ahead of his time and probably set a few new directions for others to follow in the music industry, and apparently was quite up to the task of helping chauffeur (DJ) Lady Gaga around her first world tour. There's a myspace, but like everything else, it just dead ends.

Oh, Gagapedia auto created a profile page for me, lol. It grabbed my Enjin info. Also very interesting is that it's got a built in live chat. I could hang out there yapping away, if I ever remember it exists.

K, hold the phone, there might be more after 2010 on this trackitdown page. Only problem is, there is another Space Cowboy out there now, so until I go through all that, I don't know it's all Dresti, but there are two with a 2017 release dates, so I'm very happy. Looks like he's gone trance, which I love.

All right, here we go, a more up to date search field. And then on to Veneccio, yay! Srsly, I really had to super dig just to keep this trail going. “Venaccio, hailing from the United States, serves up a beautiful trance track with Space Cowboy. With one of the most awe inspiring riffs in a while, Space Cowboy straightly takes you away on a journey through the galaxy while being grounded in a club driven bassline that will keep you going.”

And from there to Beatport, so all kinds of newer stuff, huzzah! STOP. That looks like a different guy. I'd be disappointed but the music is still good. How many people call themselves Space Cowboy? Dang it.

See what I mean? Difficult.

OH. Nicolas Dresti's credits at ALLMUSIC. He's still composing.
And here is MusicBrainz. And I found DJChrome.

So wikidata says this is his FB page. Pretty sure it's official. Someone commenting on this post mentions he has a daughter.

Songkick has old tour dates.

Ok, I think I can go to bed and straight to sleep now. Took 2 hours, but I'm good now.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

I AM ZOD, or, BowChicaWoWoW

Kinda slammed hard through many things this week, so before the next #latemoviegang watch with @LNMGang, I need to sling these out before I drown in screenshots. Yes, there are 28 here, but for some reason my finger was hammering like an automated burst shot trigger, so imagine if I hadn't filtered a bunch out, lol.

Brain water. You really had to be there.

Whoever wrote the dog into the script didn't think it through very well, but don't worry, I won't spoil it for you.

Kurt was very happy. When Kurt is happy, we are happy. 😊

Older gen promiscuity wasn't allowed. We think. Kinda not sure about that.

I really did miss Lisa. And she really would have known.

That boulder kinda snuck up on them. Pretty sure I saw this same boulder used in another movie we watched.

Actually, that's probably our signet. "It's ok to lie here." No, Kurt, I didn't mean that.

I still don't get the peanut butter...

This next is so classic movie gang. I love you guys.

Omg 😂 the soup thing killed it.

And this is where we take over and start rewriting the story.

That's no moon...

This movie bordered on the pervy and disgusting. What am I saying, it leapt far beyond that border. We were totally up to the challenge, and I really cannot believe the gen before mine actually dreamed this stuff up. Wow, they were messed up.

Not movie gang Steve. Just being clear.

I meant that the dog was acting natural, like the drug joke people say, but it totally could have gone all furry and no one in this movie would've blinked an eye. I blame this scene for driving our love birds off into a steamy frenzy.

I can't even remember this part. I was wide awake and totally coherent, but I don't remember it.

None of us were falling for any of this.

Sally was pretty smart.

I want glowy eyes like that.

The dog scene was so fail for me. I blame Gor.

I had to look up chronic pipe.


Someone's pretty sharp on their time zones there.

Irradiating specific people to death out of a crowded room is a real trick. I respect that.

Who was George? O_O

Wait, George was the dog, right?

So the lesson learned here is if you're an evil brain from another planet who can zap death at will, learn how the power structure really works before you bwahaha.