-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero, this blog is PinkyGuerrero, ongoing continuation at blogs Pinky & Janika & Basically Clueless & PinkFeldspar, in that order.
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Monday, October 31, 2016


You know those pretty pix I shared in the last post? I must've caught that perfectly, went back a few hours later and TNT everywhere.

Deck the tree with TNT, falalalala, la-la, la, laaaaaaa
Maybe this means they're getting ready to flip the server!!!!!

all those red blocks are TNT
I'm not really seeing it in other places yet, but I got some more beautiful shots. This is on the minecraft 1.7 Mo Creatures multiplayer server.

That square thing is a cloud. These structures are huge.
Of course, it helps being able to see it in creative now, better viewing angles.
These are built by some of the most obsessively creative people on this earth, and you can actually do walk-throughs of their creations. It's fantastic. Imagine being able to walk through paintings of buildings and gardens and towns and villages. I love that I've had the experience.
Another really exciting thing was finally having a mutual time to team up and follow clues that led to Alien's secret lair in hell. It is stunning in every way, and such a patient person laying out clues that might or not be found before the server switch. I'm sure there's more to this "adventure" and "riches" than what we've yet found, but simply finding it was thrilling.

I'm getting so many awesome ideas just from this last weekend's recon looking at other people's structures, I seriously can't wait to get started on the new server.

Also, that will help keep me out of trouble. I've been a mood swing dragon, and I need something to help me distract and refocus through holidays. Nothing personal, but I might possibly be ignoring a few people, ESPECIALLY MY COUSIN. >=l But you know what I mean. I'll still be lurking and seeing #allthethings, but I may not be responding to tags.

I'm laughing, my cousin 'suggested' in a privater FB convo that some people are flying off the handle of late, and I was like uh-huh, passively aggressively poking... See, being public all over the webs like this means EVERYONE gets to see my mind and then go down a checklist letting me know what they think I should be doing and stuff I'm wrong about, and it doesn't matter if it's done as gently as the passive aggressive poker knows how, it's still *poking*. Yes, thanks, I'll be sure to consider your world view when I post because my world view isn't as good as yours.

And what I've been trying to explain to the people who do the poking (there have been a variety of people tugging my sleeve in private) is that if you want YOUR world view considered, put it out there where other people can see it. It's not my job to incorporate other people's thoughts into my writing. I am living my own journey, thanks. I can't be stopping every time someone has a problem with something I'm doing wrong.

So yeah, I've been a little tense. So what. At least I'm not snarking other people for being different from me, or putting down other people for not believing what I believe, or being snotty or bossy about what other people say on their own timelines and feeds. I come from a long line of people who think snarking for sport = logic + humor, and then they don't get why other people don't 'get' their Christian viewpoints. Remember the story about my dad cornering Jehovah Witnesses in our house for several hours until they managed to escape? I come from that kind of intensity. Breaking free has been grueling, because brain training to kinder and softer and especially consideration really is hard.

Anyhoo, cousin got a shout out. Satisfied? You're famous now. People are wondering who you are and what you said now. Step out and take the private sleeve tugging crap like I do. Be sure and offend a whole lotta people while you're being public, because I could not seem to get the notion back through that some of the pokey content was a bit bigoted and condescending. I don't care how kind people think they are being, when you phrase words certain ways, you come off really know-it-all and condemning.

Actually, that's basic stuff for several people over the last year and a half not understanding why my content is not their playground. Did you guys noticed I stopped tweeting pix of family? Because one person used my granddaughter for a poop joke in a quote tweet to get attention. I was insanely rabid that day. And there was absolutely no getting through that person's head how that made me feel, and from then on that person started making stabby pokes about narcissists. Yes, use my cute little granddaughter for your own gross joke and then call me the bad guy. And that was just one example of what I put up with from that person.

Yes, I've had my chill pills... It's just kill mode, it'll abate soon. Here you go, proof that I was in hell.

And it was fun. I got a cool katana.

Our Halloween has kind of fallen flat. The spider web dream catchers fell apart (thanx, crafty glitter glue), Bunny brought her own popcorn from trunk or treat, and @bonenado was a little more tired than he wanted to admit. I think we're all just really worn out this fall. Even Bunny is still on round the clock zyrtec like I am. But she did find a cool pine cone to take home, and even drug a branch full of persimmons up onto the deck. I love that she's an outdoorsy kid.

My journey and my world view, a self discovery, self recovery, and yes, egocentric path through an unforgiving jungle of psychological twists and turns. If you guys knew the memory I finally processed on my birthday week, your jaws would drop. @bonenado's certainly did. It'll be in the book.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

the subtext of goodbye

The American Psychological Association website has been breached. I know this because a referring url to Pinky blog says it's a logout page to them but goes to porn when I click it. However, it's also separately listed as a referring site. Part of the "my.apa" logout address is "ERIGHTS_TARGET=" and then a very weird tiny url, and this is erights. I assume erights is on the up and up and someone is using them for their java script tools. Yes, this is why java is still in hot debate. Half the internet depends on java, but java sucketh mucheth for breaches.

Pinky blog sees this kind of action at least once a week. Don't worry, pretty sure you guys can't click anything on Pinky blog and go to the porn. I have no idea why Pinky blog even gets visited like this, but maybe someone is trying to do the same thing to my blog, whatever it is. From here it just looks like an individual's login to the APA got swiped. Since I can't see anything else, I sincerely doubt the APA actually reads my blog or refers traffic my way, but it's possible I've pinged them with links here. I wonder if everyone who pings them got porn bot swarmed in the night. Pingbacks are the root of all evil. I don't allow pingbacks in my comments or you guys would be dizzy with xanax and viagra ads. I know from Lexxperience that one scifi TV review site in particular sent me over 800 spam visits in one week flat trying to leave comments with links to buy a colorful array of drugs and porn, and Xanga filtered them into the trash. People floating on the top reading TV reviews don't see the nasty gurgly depths beneath the surface, but your computers do...

Back to the real. Bunny spent the night last night after trunk or treating. She managed to force herself to stay awake long past bedtime, but at the stroke of midnight she was OUT, and good thing, because the puppy show had just ended. And yes, I was back up shortly thereafter at 5 a.m. making coffee. The body wants what it wants. Coffee is the only recreational drug I have left, and it rules me. When I smoked years ago, I was the person that would get up at 3 a.m. to sift butts out of ash trays and relight them hoping for one faint hit because I had run out of cigarettes. I was the same way with alcohol, woke up needing the hard stuff immediately. People don't believe me when I say I'm an addict because they never see me wasted or do anything hard (or even soft). They don't see me abusing my meds. I. don't. dare. That is all.

Anyway, yes, up at 5 doing recon on the APA breach and loling because the rest of the world is a bunch of idiots. I bet hackers in general are like me, narcissistic addicts. We need code to make it through another day.

So all these sweet pix are from the Minecraft 1.7 Mo Creatures multiplayer server. Still waiting for the server upgrade. They started allowing creative mode a couple of weeks ago and stopped watching for trubbas since it doesn't matter now, so I've been flying around seeing who hasn't blown up their towns yet. There was a big TNT party one week last month, some of the towns are messy leftover trash now. But a few things are still intact, and they are beautiful.

I've got some really neato ideas for the new Mo Creatures whenever it happens, and I'm looking forward to doing some cool stuff. I'll need it to help me get through the holiday slide.

Some of you know I've had a rough week because I kinda blew up twitter yesterday. My impressions went crazy. Super short version, continued trimming my following list by 2K+ turned into me weeping through my birthday week, and I'll paraphrase my tweets-

So... some of u have been watching me disconnect from inactive accts. I went to every single one. Many were very old, ill, depressed. One guy actually died 4 days after he fllwd me & I know that bcuz his FB was turned into a memorial with timestamps. Ppl use twitter to hang on, way more ppl than u think. I ran into 'dead' accts that actually left suicide notes, felt sick to my stomach. I've had a rough time purging my twitter bcuz I look at every single acct. Terminal kids, cancer, self harm- I *look* at ppl. I'm not blowing off ppl who aren't useful to me when I purge my twitter. I sat here crying for 3 hours straight Monday over real ppl. & Monday was my birthday & it sucked, not bcuz of walking dead, but bcuz #realpeople are disappearing & no one notices. And I've decided I'm changing the way I twitter. Yes, again. No more games. It's real now. I'm real & I see real ppl being real.

And that happened because I got called out by someone for unfollowing them, so I burst forth into flames and challenged a duel. These are replies, so fewer people saw them, and you're only getting one side of the convo. Since this was all public, I have no problem with ethics sharing my own public words here. This is a smash of my side. You can see me getting angry over generalized phrases like no one cares and everybody blames me kind of stuff.

but you use this one for show tweeting right. since other ppl think u are just on --> @ they worry when they don't see you for a long time. about 75% of the purges were abandoned dead accounts which means high fllwr # s are just clutter, not anything cool. I know where you think that feeling comes from when ppl don't actually go look,at ur TL & notice when something is off. but you trained them to miss you & you became a big hole in their lives. I watched several have a really bad wknd missing u. don't blow that off or believe lies. No one speaks for the rest of us. No one is your gatekeeper saying we don't care. I also know some have felt really hurt about something that you've been ignoring, so never blow us off with we don't miss u. if it takes me unfllwing u to wake u up, then wake up. but if ur not going to talk to me for a year & all fllwng gets us is PM contact, what am I supposed to think? maybe what I think is that u don't care for me any more. Ever thot of it reversed? I'm using this opportunity while I have it since me reaching out first got no replies. btw, I'm the queen of chronic & the Jack Bauer of depression, sometimes u gotta kick urself back out into the light. & I'm not joking, never ever think I'm joking. There's stuff I've never told a soul on social media, u guys have no idea. I don't sugarcoat hugs & self medicate my stuff away, so if u really want me to fllw u for realz, this is who I am. if u change ur mind & don't like it, don't say I'm not ur friend if u keep urself on the other side of an invisible fence. all that sounded mean. I just get POd when ppl say no one cares about them when I know ppl really tried to stay in contact. I beg to differ. Another person had a big hand in it. that part I totally get. U completely missed something else that started b4 all that. Surviving is always priority. omg did u really think I was blaming the gang falling apart over ur cancer? wow, ur in a bubble world. NO. there are ppl out here unimaginably sad about not being able to talk freely to u like the old days & they're trying to be respectful & not bug u but several of us have tried making contact & wondering why no response & then time passed & it has gotten super awkward & now it's all misunderstandings & then come to find out 1 person had contact w/ u & never shared that YOU WERE OK. omg that pissed some of us off. that person sat there watching us be SAD & AFRAID FOR YOU. anyway, I'm just saying don't blow it all off w/ ppl don't care about u or something. Hell yes we care.

Anyone begging off with 'being in a vulnerable place' has the right not to share what's going on, but using that phrasing to get out of poor behavior on public social networking while challenging someone else to hold up to some kind of unwritten follow back contract is as ridiculous as it gets. A few of us sincerely thought this person might have committed suicide, given the pinned tweet, the last real content, and then a month-long absence, so I was understandably livid to be poked out of the blue with "you unfollowed? you don't love me anymore?" within 24 hours of unfollowing, despite past attempts to make contact and see if this person was ok.

And that is how #aspienado kills ppl. I say all the wrong things & get caught up in my feels & wanna shake some sense into the world. I don't understand the social cues, I don't get how other ppl misunderstand my words, but I will always have the hard copy to the trail. I do know this morning was very important bcuz my impressions shot up like crazy & a lotta ppl are afraid to make a move or sound now. & I think that's what scares ppl, that I can always track down timestamps. I will always be able to find who said what when. & I'm not doing it to be mean, but bcuz I'm exploding w/ feels. How in the world normals hold all that in & play nicey nicey is beyond me.

Regular readers have watched aspienado struggle for well over a year with the friendship code and how people abuse it by passively-aggressively displacing blame onto the person being emotionally manipulated. I'm done with that. I have been warning since 2014 that I bite, and I'm having a lot of trouble holding back any more. You guys wanna see a real aspienado? Keep poking me with crap. My favorite part was the diversionary tactic of pointing and "Look over there!" with the "Can I ask you a question? How many eps does Lexx have?" I have a 3 year old granddaughter who's already an expert in that. Grow up. You poke me, I stomp you back. That's the new rules. If you call me "friend", expect to get treated like a FRIEND.

I would challenge many of you to see that this kind of hit and miss emotional displacing is what is making the world miserable. Holding our stuff in and twisting it into other people this or that only makes things more layered and difficult to understand. Owning who we are and taking responsibility for how we affect other people is key to understanding what is wrong with the world.

I think this perfectly says what I've been seeing other people feeling on twitter with all the deeper recon I've been doing on dead accounts.

Saturday, October 29, 2016


Kind of in a mood. I think a bunch of stuff finally caught up with me, and I'm tired of people pretending to be nice and sweet.

Friday, October 28, 2016

yes, caves have refrigerators

click for more fall gifs
You know you were needing antibiotic when it works really fast and really good. Only took 48 hours for every single symptom I'd been dragging through for 18 days to go *poof*.

Today is Halloween prep. Usual stuff- goodie bags with more popcorn balls, cookies, rice krispie treats, and homemade Halloween 'dreamcatchers' that are really little spider webs made with craft sticks and pipe cleaners. They're cooler than they sound. Plus they'll have spiders on them.

We're also out of real food again. What is it with this autumn that is making me so oblivious to menu planning? Oh, yeah, 2 long rounds of allergy/virus goop. Guess I'll jaunt over to Ozark and spend a little quality time on restock. Seriously, fridge has run bare several time last couple of months, that's really unusual for me. Can't hide in a cave very well if there's nothing to eat.

All my little cells floating in antibiotics.

Thursday, October 27, 2016


Hitting the twitter hard again. Have vowed to get my following list down under a thousand. Still finding restaurants and CEOs and weird stuff I don't understand at all scattered and buried all over the list. I'm using two different outside twitter apps and still manually sifting through, incredible how many truly unfocused accounts there are out there. I mean, real people are fine, but if I don't have an interest in your thang and you don't EVER interact with me, I don't see my continued following as a necessary ingredient in our lives. If someone wants to keep following me, fine. I lost count of how many lists I'm on ages ago, and who knows how many private lists, plus I'm sure a few undergrounds keep me on mobile alert because I see the links trigger immediately as soon as they tweet, so someone doesn't actually have to be following me to keep track of what I'm doing. Same back at them. I've been sifting several strong interests down into their own private lists.

I feel a major shift coming on, feel like I'm getting ready for it. I'm trimming back contact with a number of people (nothing personal, I'm just overwhelmed), I've got holidays about to slam over me (srsly, feel like I'm laying on a track waiting for a really fast train to zoom right over the top of me), I'm trying really hard to keep up with juggling my stuff and trying even harder not to kick myself over the things I'm dropping (some fail feels are inevitable, I'm a detail oriented workaholic trapped in a spoonie body governed by an aspie brain), and ultimately, point blank, @bonenado has started worrying about me, so I'm feeling challenged to present how well I can hold myself together.

I have come forward with an incredible amount of reveal over the last year and half, and I kind of feel like I'm stopping to catch my breath before the next big plunge into where all this is going. Sharing this journey on Pinky blog has been a strenuous effort, and don't believe for one second that I have any idea what I'm doing or that I have ever felt at all comfortable (much less confident) being so very public. This is important. I tell myself that every single day. Getting a story told isn't an easy thing sometimes. Pinky blog is my float device, that much is clear.

I cannot get this song out of my head. I guess this is my birthday theme this year and marks a place in my head that I'm not quite sure I can see yet. There is apparently a trigger word that sends me plowing through internet searches, and for some reason several childhood memories have begun springing up like jack-in-the-boxes. What I'm finding isn't very soothing, but there's a key turning in another door leading into a room I had sealed off for a very long time...

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

the improbable one


It just hit me that A Study in Pink started off with this pink-coordinated woman who'd lost a baby girl (is that why she obsessively used only pink?), and we're about to go into s4 Sherlock with John and Mary having a baby girl. Full circle? They met over a case wherein the answer to the riddle was the name of a lost child, and the clue was pink. They parted s3 laughing over what not to name a baby girl.

The entire Sherlock series IS *a study in pink*.

I've run into writeups about pink and purple lighting being used in some scenes, to which I generally think yeah, but that's a thing, everybody uses pink to highlight props or mood or even accentuate a set or scene because pink is actually a pretty rare color in real life. Pink abounds in film. So if the guys actually started out up front stating PINK, maybe we'd better pay attention to it.

Is it a coincidence that the murdered Jennifer Wilson was discovered at 22 Northumberland St. and John Watson formerly served with the Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers?

theimprobableone knew the suitcase would be pink. Click this snip to go see all those comments.

"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." - Arthur Conan Doyle

WHO is the truth here???

I still say this all started in Sherlock's past with Carl Powers. I think this is about John, how he fits with Sherlock, and how someone else sees it.

A question that has come up with fans has long bugged me, too- "What do you think was the relationship between Moriarty and Magnussen?" I agree with this assessment- "There are a few headcanons about that Magnussen has the dirty on Moriarty and holds it against him, but I don't see it. Moriarty is a fellow that doesn't think twice about poisoning children and strapping bombs onto old ladies. If Moriarty has any dirtier laundry than kidnapping children and feeding them mercury, I'd love to hear it. If Moriarty saw Magnussen as a threat, he'd have no problem getting rid of him. Like, at all. But as it stands, I think Magnussen was a tool for Moriarty. Magnussen is a coward to the core, and he doesn't do violence, so Moriarty has the upper hand there."

See, I've been wondering if Magnussen needed getting out of the way. Who introduced Mary to John? I cannot believe that meeting was coincidence. Once Sherlock was back, everything from there was pure string pulling. Sherlock was taking out Moriarty's network while someone was setting up the play to burn Sherlock's heart out.

The goal from the very beginning has always been to burn Sherlock's heart out.

And Sherock's heart just might be pink.

moonlight and stars

Antibiotic brain after I unfollowed a bunch of accounts again this last month, right? I almost kept the steampunk account but decided it was too sexist because no men or machinery, just beautiful women, which I'm not against at all, but it was disappointing me.

So last night I dreamed I was decked out full blown steampunk, lotta awesome and looking hella cool, and especially my marcasite boots. Yes, you heard me, marcasite. Solid marcasite. Yes, the entire boot. In case you are not familiar with marcasite, the boots would look the same as this stuff. Click to see way more, that is a really conservative start.

And I was late for a final college exam with a visiting friend in tow (another account I might have unfollowed?), some guy from some country who I couldn't tell was crushing on or using me to step up to the next level somehow, and the final consisted of doing surgery, which was funny because I had told someone at my dad's house to hang on because I would be back after class to do surgery on him after a weird accident that had blown some twisted parts into his gut.

Anyway, there was running through buildings because parking is never close, and it was raining, and one of the classes along the way was a Stargate class full of awesome stuff (ok, that one I got, pretty sure that dream thing came from @thegatecast wishing me a happy birthday this week). And of course I left my lab tools at home, so I had to use the nearly useless generic equipment scrounged up around class (I really do have lab surgical tools in my real house), but I still pulled off a successful surgery, and then I remember facepalming and having to tell my friend to put his pants back on, after which he valiantly (very publicly awkwardly) proposed and I suggested maybe we get a hamburger and think about it because I was starving.

And then I woke up.

So what does marcasite represent? I used to work a jewelry counter, and I've handled and worn a lot of marcasite, really love it.
Marcasite- Healing Properties, Color, Power & Facts | Jewelexi

"Choosing to consciously make new experiences rugged looking Marcasite has a multiple personalities. This dark, grey-pyrite helps the wearer to walk through new doorways to philosophical and reflective change. It is also believed to infuse courage in the wearing individual and is referred to as "fool's gold". Known to be a desirable gemstone among people, it is as well acknowledged as pyrite because of its same chemical formula though has different crystal system and inherent qualities.

...Made up of iron sulphide, it is an interesting mineral that has been confused with other types of minerals for generations. Known to be a brittle stone it can crumble easily and is lighter than pyrite. Usually yellow in color, this striking stone has a brassy look added to it. With a twinned crystal habit, this unique distinctive gemstone occurs when the surface to form the head of a hen. Mythologically associated with pyrite like properties, it is well known among Chinese, Greeks and Mayans for thousands of years. Having a calming effect, Marcasite attracts wealth and inspire creativity. It frees the wearing individual from the feelings of hopelessness, over-sensitiveness and help to re-calibrate, re-assess, re-design, release, and reincarnation. Being gentle with the wearer's body, it holds on the wearer grounded as well as balanced."

Sounds about right. I didn't even know that. There's lots more if you want to click over and read it.

And it was on my FEET. Wonder what that means.
What does it mean to dream about Shoes?

"A dream about shoes may symbolize how you are moving forward on your career path or spiritual path in life.

May represent your understanding of something, since your shoes are under you when you stand."

There's lots more about whether the shoes fit, where you're wearing them, if you change shoes in a dream, losing or forgetting them, and the type of shoe. For instance, mine were boots.

"Boots may symbolize taking a firm stand on something; or it may be a pun on “getting the boot” or getting fired. “These Boots are Made for Walking” also comes to mind."

So I'm walking around in these magical healing boots doing surgeries. Sure, why not. I'll take it.

That guy, though. Really not interested in that way, and seriously could not tell if he had an agenda behind all the pizzazz, so I just let him tag along at arm's length, because I did enjoy him. Not exactly the greatest person to arrive late with to a surgery exam though.

The rest of my week is wide open. I haven't been able to say that at the end of any month this entire year. There is so much I want to get done. Guess we'll see what happens.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016


I have a pattern of more intensity just prior to and during antibiotics. I go on deep research dives and scattered information benders that lead to some really wild places. I generally don't share how weird it gets, but in between the sudden random short weepy bursts (probably because I hold back so much on just really not feeling well and then I can't control it once antibiotic hits), I go on web blitzes that make X-Files level conspiracy theories seem as acolytic as plain American cheese might to a master chef specializing in cave aged Gruyere. I fondly blame the herxing. If you're new to me and don't know what that is, here you go.

The problem with the intensity is that I'm too much of a mess to get any real work done on any level (yes, duh, I'm sick), but if I don't stay busy I crash through room after room of high speed awesome ideas ripping through my brain and ridiculously sad pathetic unawesome thoughts about how I'll never finish my cool underwater city on StarrStrukk (minecraft), and it's like being on a stupid kiddie roller coaster cycling around the same little circle of ups and downs and I can't seem to interrupt it with youtube or TV or reading a book or cleaning or cooking or eating anything or even a nap, so I just spelunk wildly through the darker part of the webinet looking for trubba.

A few of today's excursions included

I have thankfully managed to steer clear of most of pinterest, a nightmarish black hole binge that can go on for hours.

Blogging through some of the herx helps me reorient. In about an hour I'll start supper.

Anyway, so I've had this funny idea for a long time that the reason Lexx never really went big, despite worldwide interest and still-current fan activity, is because they didn't play right with the powers that be. Lexx represents everything that goes against the mainstream entertainment grain, and the more you look into Illuminati anything in entertainment history, the more you understand that the Lexx story is about breaking free and escaping that. It feels like one of those free-thinking shows that got quietly knocked off the rails because it sends the wrong message.

I just said something very powerful. Now I'm going to go do something else and pretend I didn't just say it, because I'm in a weird herx mind state and can't be held responsible for saying something that would make a few people distance themselves even further from me. Here, have a fun video to watch while I go fold some more laundry.

surviving fandoms

*le sigh* Back to a real life post.

I blame these guys.

"Pine Processionary Caterpillar"
click for info
Really, I have no idea, but there's such a big health warning all over most of the stuff you look up about them (especially for kids and dogs) that I can only conclude that my house being covered in them for 2 weeks is making me sick, because even though I have a leaf mold allergy, I have never been like this in October. Itchy eyes and scratchy throat, yes, hacking super sticky globs and nearly choking, no.

At any rate, we're going on 18 days now and it's progressed into lungs over the weekend and it's not going away any time soon, so once again I will drag myself up to clinic and see if I qualify for antibiotic now. In years past I've been on antibiotic every other month, but I've gotten so healthy now that my glands barely even get tender for a day and the rest of me always looks really impressive for someone complaining of specific problems at my age.

I remember my parents dragging through chest gunk because they were too stubborn to go to doctors. One year my dad coughed for around 6 weeks and dragged around looking awful. He's still busy, tried calling yesterday and he didn't call back till he got off the tractor. 87 years old.

So all that is kinda quelling the birthday chocolate cake waffle with coffee cream cheese dip thing, I can't smell or taste anything right and nothing sounds good because I'm gunky gross, so I'm putting it off until some of this clears out. If aliens abducted me right now they'd be wowed over what a super productive sticky mucus machine I am.

Brief crabby whine sentence stating that I'm super jealous of people who don't have to live with allergic reactions. You guys suck whining about stuff when you can easily 1- breathe, 2- eat what you want, and 3- not have to live on round the clock antihistamines nearly all year long.


Ok, moving on.

I'm going to keep watching The Walking Dead. It's just now getting good. In fact, I can now honestly finally say I respect what they're doing with this show. Watching Rick breaking from his internal point of view, reality blowing apart, not knowing which fear was real or imagined, all his emotional connections blowing apart until he was alone with only death- I hope that ep wins awards galore.

THAT is PTSD, guys. That is exactly what happens to people who go through moments of super anxiety not knowing what to believe or hang onto, moments when you can't make decisions because you can't even trust your own brain to keep giving you stuff to hang onto. Not all of us are in an apocalypse like that, but when you're driving on a highway and have to remind yourself to check whether you're really driving because you can't tell...

That scene was an art form that I thought was exceptionally well done. You need to pick up on what happened in that scene so you will understand Rick's point of view going forward. You might not like a few things Rick does in future. He might be a mess and fall off the hero pedestal. He might wind up a wild dog killing everyone. Or he might wind up psycho enough to take out Negan. But for awhile he might be a very weak unlikable character. Are you a fair weather fan?

Allowing ourselves to be too overwhelmed by our emotions to handle something and shutting down is turning our back on dealing with stuff. I had to learn at a young age to shut those emotions off, or set them aside for later. Human brains are fantastic for survival if we learn how to use our emotions as tools. It's good to process through them, but if they are in the way in time of crisis, especially if freezing up costs you or someone else harm, the best way (for me) to deal with that is step into role playing and then look at what happened later. It's really hard, but if that's the only way you can escape a difficult situation, like domestic abuse or surviving abduction or something, then that's what you do.

Whining about a TV show focusing entirely on how an apocalypse shreds us emotionally for not playing fair showing us something gruesome that hurts our emotions is a little bit antithetical to being a fan. I've been through fandoms full of the staunchest fans booing and hissing because something didn't go their way and they want it refilmed, and some even spend years making life projects out of how unfair a television show was. Seriously not kidding. I watched a lot of people shut down years of friendships over political side taking nonsense the last couple of months. Well, that's how fandoms are, too. It's cool if you don't want to watch a TV show, but going on and on about how unfair something is and you're not going to watch any more is kinda silly. Just stop watching it and move on. It's just a TV show.

The really interesting thing is watching some of the fans go through what Rick did, just bust apart and say no mas. Fans mirroring the scene. That is an incredible amount of power to give a TV show over your life.

Just saying.

From me to you guys. Hang in there. It might be worth watching Rick come back and eat Negan.

Monday, October 24, 2016

lol, I found a stats with cats blog

click for stats with cats
Do you guys ever check the logins on your accounts? Some accounts, like G+, automatically let me know if someone tries to log in with a wrong password, but many accounts don't. For instance, I discovered today that my another one of my accounts had an unsuccessful login attempt last Wednesday.

It's easy to geolocate IP addresses.

If this had been an IP lookup for geolocation on an IP showing up in my tracker, it could have pinged 5 different ways, depending on the device, the software, the service, the browser, a mask, and a few other possible things. Like sometimes an out of country visitor will ping through Mountain Home because Google translate, which is in California, simultaneously ping in through one of a handful of states depending on a facebook bot if that's where they clicked the link, ping a region and then a couple of cities depending on their carrier service and whether it's layered with a wifi plan or something, etc. I'm getting really used to seeing how people ping in looking at my stuff. This particular login attempt (not a link click or keyword search) was very DIRECT, local, and either bot-coded not to ping anything in a list more than once to draw attention, or was a live person playing around typing in my name. There was only one attempt because it's so easy to raise flags nowadays doing that.

When I check my facebook login, I can show up in several different states just depending on what device I'm using. I am familiar with my own IP proxies and regularly fuss with statcounter about their project cookie blocker since it blocks a fuzzy spread that isn't just me, so statcounter and blogger disagree on how many IPs are actually eyes on blog. Stuff like that.

I know this is a lot of gunk that seems unnecessary, but if you haven't yet secured your accounts with security backup codes, you need to. If I log out of an account and then log back in, even on the same device a few seconds later, that account will send a security code TO MY PHONE, and I will have to type that code into my login to continue. So far I've never had a security code show up out of the blue to my phone without it being me. If one ever does, I'll know someone is trying to login and trips the verification wire. The account that stopped the login attempt left me a note that it wasn't necessary for me to check my backup since security wasn't breached.

I kind of joke around sometimes about site hacking. My kind of slang for 'hacking' is running into back doors on unsecured pages. I never try to login to someone's account. Ever. I'm really good at finding holes and flaws in host site security, and it's usually accidental. I can assure you Vimeo is one of the worst sites for actual security. A few years ago Facebook was so bad that I was able to find back doors into private timelines whenever I wanted. They've got that fixed now, but it still doesn't help that their source code is unsecured. Myspace got so bad that they had to just wipe and rebuild, and before their rebuild I was going in manually recoding my embedded youtubes every few months just because they kept upgrading their security and knocking the coding off. Things are a lot better nowadays, but there are still lots of holes and ways in and around accounts to see content without logins, so if someone is actually trying to login, it's to get your personal info- banking, location, birthdate and social, OR to royally screw and spam your account. I've watched a few people work diligently trying to get swiped twitter accounts back when all they had to do was secure it with a login code in the first place to prevent all kinds of stress and tears.

I'm not saying that's foolproof. Last year my Facebook personal info was hijacked into a foreign 'facebook' account and someone was pretending to be me. It was harmless, but believable, so I contacted Facebook security and they were very prompt looking into it. I don't know if their promptness had anything to do with my Facebook account being what I use to verify a couple of other accounts, but hubbing accounts definitely helps prove you are who you say you are, especially if they're all sharing the same email address. The flaw with this is how vulnerable the entire architecture is if the email address is compromised, and I've seen that happen, too. One of the reasons I'm very open about who I am across social media is so it will be very obvious if any of my stuff ever gets hijacked. I'm hub verified through gravatar, about me, G+, and even had a real pinterest verification before they decided to upgrade verification requirements.

Years ago, a few people did try to login to some older accounts I had that I could see happening over and over on a really good tracker, and when I first set up G+ I got a solid login attempt notification complete with IP and a sweet little zoom map. I expect people to test me once in awhile when I toss around being a little bit tech savvy, so I publicly blew it off, although I'll always have that info. I'm sure there've been other attempts I don't even know about, but the personal attempts have pretty much stopped with multiple step verification turned on, because that's the fastest way in the world to find out there's a hack attempt going down live. I know that sounds exciting, but it's not. It's mostly just a big facepalm and extra work having to check on who is it now kind of thing.

Since I do have friends all over the world connected with me across my social medias, I'm quite used to seeing a wide variety of areas pinging my trackers. It's fun to watch numbers and maps, and sometimes I can even pin down who they are, but mostly it's a sport I really don't have time for. Login attempts, however, get my full attention. And I know some of you will naively shrug that off as spam bots, but bots swarm around sticking on without ever having to login. You'd be amazed how many porn site pingbacks Pinky blog gets from people playing around with apps looking for keywords, and don't worry, those don't show up in statcounter.

As always, this kind of stuff makes a birthday more fun, like last year. I'm taking a quiet day off not doing much, dinking around my piles of stuff and running into things. I bought a waffle iron to make chocolate cake waffles this year, but I haven't even started that yet. I'm thinking about playing around with a coffee flavored cream cheese fluff dip. I know Scott won't be crazy about it, but I bought him some ice cream today to make up for it.

This song has really been sticking with me the last few days. I think it's a birthday thing. There's so much I want to talk to her about, but so many years passed that I think we've just lost that part, and all we can do is let there be a gap. It's funny that most of my life has been about big gaps left behind me...

My #TeamNegan Thoughts

This is an intense write-up, and you are responsible for closing this page if you trigger easily. I'll give you a chance to close this real quick without glancing by sharing my hottest tweet last night, over 4000 impressions in 30 seconds flat, far outstripping my other tweets, which really surprised me since I was low-level tweeting.

My second hottest, so you can't just glance down and peek at your triggers before closing this page, was this one, ripping a fast 1300 impressions in about 30 seconds flat.

Most of the rest of my tweet impressions ranged from 80-300.



I would like to remind the queasier Walking Dead fans that there are Negans all over the world right now actually doing that, and this has been going on for thousands of years. Your job in this human race is to SURVIVE. Slavers and purveyors of every atrocity have beset our history right and left, and we are not only still here, but so prolifically overrunning the planet that those of us at the top have to stay inebriated trying to forget we have it so good while we wallow around thinking life sucks and is unfair.

I'm #TeamNegan because that is reality. Hard, cold, cruel, and not fair. I'm not saying he's good, but he's a challenge, and if you ever find yourself up against someone that cold and brutal (and many do all over the world DAILY), you are still in control of how you respond, what you believe, how you play it, who you protect, how you prioritize your actions, and most of all, how you forgive yourself for not being strong enough to stop the cruelty.

We like to blame victims in mainstream America. Take a good long look at these victims.

This is why I am pro offing the cruelty without negotiation, without talking, without considerations. I have seen cruelty. That kind of cruelty is broken and there's no fixing it, no bargaining with it, no winning over it any other way.

Define what cruelty is. Study cruelty. Recognize that cruelty destroys ALL of us, even at a distance, from the lowest crime lord to the highest dictator.

You guys really do need to know that being hit that hard even just once on the head is so stunning to the brain that the rest from there on out is a blur and conscious attempts at anything is nearly impossible. Lesser impacts knock people out, less damage screws people up for life, so for anyone to remain defiant after that first blow is all fiction. The shock to the brain is so immediate that the rest is practically not even suffering.

Also, I've seen brains stomped out. Doesn't take that much to make a mess.

One thing they got right was the twitching, but there would've been a lot more of it, plus some contorting.

I know this isn't comforting after what we saw last night. What you got was like a roller coaster ride through a spook house, shocking images pulsing into your brains inducing emotional reactions. I'm dead inside. Not a single bit of that bothered me. I've seen the real thing and that wasn't real.

If I were a dictator, I wouldn't be a shock jock. I'd club the base of the skull at the top of the spine at a hard fast angle and simply just stop a person. A body will go completely limp that way, no weird twitching and contorting. People would think I was real nice compared to Negan. I also wouldn't preface it with long drawn out word games. Using terror to break people is inefficient. You wind up with wild cards. I'm really hoping the writers plug into that.

Anyone wanting revenge on Negan- he's already been broken. Something is really wrong with a person who can do that and enjoy it so much, and relish other people being psychologically damaged by it. There is no revenge you could ever do that would make a person like that repentant or beg for mercy. There's no getting even with someone who's already so broken that they can turn all that off. If I had a go at Negan I'd simply make a solid cut and just watch it all drain out. No words. No smiles or gloating, no winning. Just simply make him stop with a minute or two of consciousness before brain death started setting in, so he could feel himself dying. He probably wouldn't even fight it, assuming he's tied down. He'd think he's winning for not going through equal recompense, but does that even matter? Just make him be gone.

Getting worked up about scary stuff will be your downfall if you are ever caught in a bad situation. Becoming so afraid that you can't move or think is bad. Survival is priority over everything else, by any means. If that group had blankly stared back at Negan without reacting he'd have gotten pissed off because they'd be ruining his game. Rick going into shock like that is a real thing, that is happening to people all over the world right now in very dark places. You need to see it so you can start thinking NOW how you will survive if you're ever up against that kind of cruelty.

Personally, being ordered to cut off my kid's arm (which I'd actually be able to do, hate me all you want) I'd have whirled around with that hatchet on Negan's throat so fast and then claimed lordship, to hell with the bloody battle, just let people start scattering. Kill the head vampire, right? Who knows what could have happened. Negan actually kept positioning himself for Rick to make an easy kill, did you notice that? And Rick could not kill him. That is my biggest complaint with so much of this show, that victims are too timid to kill their abusers, but I have to remember I grew up really differently than a lot of people. When we go into reflections on how people could ever support Hitler, you guys just watch this show and see how easy it is to intimidate people into allowing abuse to continue, and even stepping up to assist with and enforce the abuse. These were probably all decent people before the apocalypse. Think NOW about what you already close your eyes to going on all around you, because believe me, we are all surrounded by a culture of abuse that is perpetuated by drugs, sex, and entertainment. Slick a palm, you can't trust anyone. Use this show to really start looking around you, ok? Open your eyes.

I could go on, but I see no point in it. I saw a lot of shock on the twitters last night, people swearing off the show- what did you expect? This stuff isn't cute. Just because there are toys promoting the show doesn't make it a fun little cartoon.

As you walk away from this post or the show itself, keep one thing in mind- there are people in real life going through real stuff like this every day somewhere in this world, and yes, even here in the U.S.A. There are people disappearing, being taken hostage, being forced into a variety of slaveries, and some of them are doing everything in their power to survive.

If you are not aware that human trafficking is one of the biggest international commerce trades in the world, you live in a pretty nice bubble. Never relax your vigilance. Keep eyes and ears on your loved ones at all times. Never take safety for granted.

The real life Negans out there watching that show last night probably laughed their heads off. Yeah, didn't even think of that, did you?

Saturday, October 22, 2016


Putting stuff like this into words has been very challenging, but I think I am coming close to more easily talking about who I am now. I've been watching other people write lots of things about religion and politics and mental illnesses and awareness stuff. Have you ever wondered how we arrive at our conclusions? How we come to decide and define what is right and wrong? How we come to believe what we believe?

We (I and all the people who know me in real life) have been dealing with me having what's basically called an emotional switch that gets flipped when I get PTSD triggers. I'm still discovering exactly what these triggers are. I became aware during high school that I go in and out of personality modes that handle different kinds of situations, but mostly I stayed in what I call shut down mode, a flat personality that doesn't get emotionally involved.

As I've progressed through adulthood, I've learned to develop more personality modes so I can better control who I am and how I present, although I didn't realize at those times that's what I was doing. These were most easily seen on the internet as I went through my Yablo, Janika, and Bluejacky stages, which are the most visible.

Pinky is turning out to be an interface for all the modes, much like an office coordinator. As Pinky is going through all the files in the other modes, my psychologist and I are discovering that I have PTSD triggers and different ways of handling them, like adjustment disorders, delayed emotional response, PTSD Tourette's (sort of like an aspie super stim that I can't stop, especially when I'm driving so it gets a little scary and sometimes I have to pull off the road), pain disorder with psychological factors (and that on top of documented nerve damage), and yes, a little bit of narcissism, which actually isn't a joke since it has loads to do with how I survived years of emotional and physical abuse. For example, turning 'what's wrong with me' self harm and suicidal thoughts outward to 'everyone around me is so stupid' is what saved me from the kind of self destruction that a lot of people don't understand. Fortunately, I managed to veer away from what people think I'm joking about when I call it being an evil villain fully intent on revenge.

I started openly bringing all this up on Pinky blog last year, and then started specifically defining it in hybrid- how robots go on (more links there). Later I openly shared the diagnosis documented as part of my disability.

I'm NOT talking about dissociative identity disorder. Despite have some mixed up recall during the roughest PTSD triggering memories, I don't have a dominant personality that takes over and lose actual time, although I do go through time orientation loss jags from stress, which isn't the same thing because I'm able to reconstruct. When I talk about shut down, it's an autism spectrum emotional shut down that allows me to keep interacting on a very low level automatic function so that I can make it home with groceries kind of thing. Shut down helps control meltdown, which is emotions going out of control, another thing autism is famously associated with. Developing personality presentations has helped me step into a sort of acting role as needed so I would be able to handle jobs and stuff, although sometimes this has backfired in unforeseen and sometimes hilarious ways. Pretending to be a Vulcan at all times doesn't actually help a person work well with others on a job...

So I'm essentially a real life role player. I learned at a very young age to be a 'doll', to 'perform' or be punished, sometimes severely. It took a few years, but I learned to staunchly control my natural autism spectrum inclinations, not by understanding either them or anything else going on around me, but by strongly stuffing down any and all feelings I might be having and turning into a stone. I survived.

The reason this is important to understand is because a lot of people don't survive. There are too many people who are on the edge of self harm and suicide every day who aren't getting the help they need and who haven't figured out how to survive like I did. They don't feel safe with themselves. They are like ticking time bombs walking on eggshells and hiding all their stuff from people who don't understand and fail to comprehend. I call this the yawning chasm, the lack of real connectivity with others. We might be interacting with others all day long in one form or another but never find that connection that helps us feel stable, or validates our difficulty. We feel emotionally abandoned and ignored.

I had two modes I clicked into throughout childhood, and they both had names. I wasn't particularly aware I was doing it, but I knew the names. I never told anyone those names until I became Pinky and finally brought it up. If I was talking to anyone, it was usually in mode, because deep down I actually prefer not to talk at all, even though I love brain sharing in print. I know, that's funny, because I actually don't shut up once I start talking. It helps to understand that I never saw my mom as a mother figure and never dwelled on how that made me feel. Yes, very seriously shut down emotionally.

I had a secret friend name in high school, essentially creating another me that talked to me. I never really shared that beyond very briefly bringing it up a couple of times in my life. That split helped me keep my balance in a world that was crumbling all around me after we moved to another state and things got really stupid between my parents. When I talked about this part with my psychologist, he became very interested in how I could change reality in my mind and believe it, a sort of consciousness of reality toy I played with without realizing it (which later grew into a love of philosophies). That link goes to a list of links. Essentially, because I couldn't look at faces at all one year and was so disconnected from other people, I reworked reality to be more like an alien world and I was the visiting alien. The halls were sloped like a stream could run down the middle, so I had to stick to the sides by the walls so I wouldn't slide in, all the glass was pink and everything I saw through them was pink because of that, my line of sight was knee level and I got to know people by their knees, and talking sounded like gibberish. I carried this out for a couple of months until I realized I was kind of stuck in it and it had become tiresome, so I snapped back to 'real' and started looking at faces again. When I did that, I also snapped into a personality mode and got kind of mean and secretly destructive, pretending I was a spy and committing sabotage that backfired on other people. I never got caught, but looking back, some of the fallout wasn't cool. Very real consequences were inacted on wrongly accused innocents, although I thought it was funny back then because I intensely disliked them.

I didn't think very much about that stuff in my 20s, which got pretty chaotic from the poor choices I kept making, but by my 30s I was back into mode switching so I could handle being married and raising kids. From there on out people have known me as Janika and Yablo. Bluejacky came a little later, and Pinky is the last. There may be a couple more very minor nearly inconsequential modes tucked here and there.

Janika is like a baseline, an umbrella over the old modes, a central hub of sorts, and eventually an epic fail. Janika history is volatile and never had a direction goaled out. Janika was stuck with Yablo's mess and Bluejacky's anger and didn't see a way beyond any of it, so Janika disappeared.

Pinky is an Idea. Pinky thought long and hard about goals and plans and modus operandi. Pinky wrote out a mission statement. Pinky incorporated all the modes into one whole and is mapping how they all became part of a survival story. Pinky sees the bigger picture and brings all the things into focus. Pinky named Aspienado and created a direction for all the modes to go in together. Pinky is sharing real life stuff, what's really inside this kind of head, because it's important for other people to see that 1- kids like me can turn out ok, 2- honesty is what saves us, and 3- kindness is logical.

There are others out there arguing semantics about whether or not it's acceptable to say someone has autism (which sounds more disease-y) vs someone is autistic (which sounds more label-y), among many other things. I don't take sides because I don't care. I have it, I am it, I am living and breathing it, and I know that the bickering is borne of being who we are- super definers of all the reality around us. We are the brains that want specific answers to vague questions, that want words to be used correctly while we simultaneously don't understand how the way we use our own words mixes people up, the brains that thrill to find and point out flaws and figure out people puzzles and solve problems all around us by thinking of better ways to do things while we gunk up our own days getting too caught up in these things. We are glorious spatters of thought that either reclusively don't share or just never shut up.

Everything in this universe is a spectrum. We are all waking up to that, some more slowly than others, but eventually the entire world will learn to stop rigidly defining and start allowing variance. Where in the world humans got the idea that things have to be rigidly defined is probably a Hitler thing, or the Ancient Aliens telling us what to do and how to do it. Who we have to be laid over who we are born to be is the modern conundrum in philosophy. Who is to say what true freedom is if we keep fighting over every little thing we are supposed to do and think? We are free to fight, wheee...

Someone shared a thing on facebook last week about how if we had big old fashioned porches around our houses like in the olden days, our world would be a friendlier place, or something to that affect. Please allow me to point out the flaws in this thought-

  • Being stuck in low tech nearly nonmobile society in a hot environment with no air conditioning was why those big porches were a thing.
  • The cost of building houses with big wraparound porches nowadays generally precludes wasting materials on 'dead space' unless a person has the money to blow on it.
  • Bugs.
  • The views pretty much suck unless you're lucky enough to live near a nice vista, a water front, or a cool skyline.
  • The TV is inside and the neighbors are irksome.
  • Sweet memories of big porches might be a little skewed...
  • Those kinds of old houses are nowadays becoming synonymous with drug dealing and weapons caching, at least in popular entertainment.

Need I go on.

It's about perspective. What one person thinks cannot apply to all brains at any given time. It's only been in the last 10 years that brain variance is becoming recognized as 'ok'. I'd love to posit that 'neurotypical' is a widely overused and misconstrued word, and that we've got this weird neurotypical until proven otherwise thing turning mental hypochondria accusations into a circus. Yes, there is abuse of entitlement, but people actually do need help, and the ones needing it the most are having to fight through a barrage of hate trying to get it, which seems a bit odd since the hate is springing from standing up for - ok, that's dumb and I can't even go there saying it. I watched the same fight over ADHD, it was like a witch hunt, OCD people are rising up now (about time), and basically everyone with even a hint of probably need for diagnosis is finally standing up for themselves. YAY, *finally*. If we're going to complain about NTs defining atypicality, let's keep in mind that NTs are slang for haven't been dx'd with anything yet. Their turn is coming. Everyone on the planet has *something* wrong with them, be it physical, mental, emotional, whatever. Not one person on this planet is a perfect specimen of humanity. The idea that we've got to measure ourselves against each other is a bunch of hogwash with a sales pitch behind it, and I wish everyone would stop falling for the pausing to argue thing. Go enjoy something today.

When I was little, if I didn't 'behave' properly, I got punished. When behaving properly gets judged by someone who is having a succession of very bad days around very unsupportive people, things can trickle down onto a child like a break in a dam, and then justification sets in and then recriminations abound, and pretty soon it's not about the child needing help at all, but about other people desperately needing help themselves and not understanding why their worlds are screwed up.

So to sit around arguing over semantics seems a bit time-wastey to me. Sitting around defining religion and salvation and the world sliding into a big black hole seems a bit displacing coming from people whose lives are messes.

Aspienado was spawned out of a really big mess. Aspienado is tired of the words. Pinky says we must keep using words, so Aspienado wants to use words in a really big way. Pinky says

Friday, October 21, 2016

Torch is my Sanctum, apparently

click for cute pinterest board
I'm getting to know the word ascospores, which is mostly outside plant molds. From the Fungal and Mold Glossary-

Ascospores(ass-co’-spores) – A large category of spores (produced in a sac-like structure) that are found everywhere in nature and include more than 3000 genera. Most Ascospores of health or IAQ importance are identified separately by their genus (e.g. Chaetomium) when possible on a IAQ report, and the Ascospore category is used primarily on these reports for a large group of less important spore types often found in quantity on outdoor air samples. On tape samples, Ascospore is sometimes also used as a general morphological identification (i.e. the ascus or sac structure is present) for certain samples in those cases when the spores do not appear to represent any of the IAQ significant genera.

What I'm finding is that very little is known about this class of molds which is considered to have little effect on human health. However, descending into sore throat hell for 2 full weeks and the doctor clearing me for everything except unidentifiable "upper respiratory infection", I finally looked up the pollen count last night. Surely there can't be that much whatever bothering me now, can it? I do have a documented 'leaf mold' allergy, but the leaves are just drying up on the trees, we're not even getting much of real autumn this year at my house. These snips click to sources.

Ok, so 75K+ on the mold thing is not good. In the last 6 weeks I have tested negative for strep and influenza and I know a snotty virus from 2-week hell came through that everyone got, but it's gone now and I'm the one left with the icky snotty nose and the super raw sore throat. We've had winds kicking up, fluctuating temps, hard rains in between dry spells, dead critters on the highways out of season (whatever that indicates), the wrong infestations happening (caterpillars vs ladybugs), and an autumn that is saying f* the peak thing and dropping leaves going straight from green to brown and crunchy. Ok, we do see the occasional tree here or there that's doing it right, but not anywhere near my house.

I've noticed the sore throat has gotten dramatically worse immediately after a couple of big hospital tests this month, and at first it was easy to think they were the culprits, but now I'm thinking about feeling absolutely miserable through all the extra early morning driving I've been doing this month, the mornings thick with high humidity and probably jillions of mold spores. My head probably looks all gunked up inside the same way clogged drains do, all that nasty thick goo, and the tissues trying to be supportive going down in inflammatory redness and swelling.

I WAS A FOOL TO LOWER MY ZYRTEC DOSE THIS MONTH. *slap!* *slap!* That was one side of my head last night slapping the other side of my head. It got so bad through the day yesterday that I felt almost like I was going to choke in my sleep last night, and a few brain cells tore the rest of my brain off of watching the Marvel red carpet Doctor Strange world premier live stream (that goes to the twitter hashtag so you can see all the things) and said LOOK AT THIS MOLD COUNT AND START SCARFING BENADRYL YOU IDIOT.

And that actually worked. It's starting to dry up and my throat is so grateful that I can almost swallow without chloraseptic this morning.

Among my goals today is aggressive round the clock antihistamine vigilance, because I really am tired of this. In years past I've wound up on prednisone in August-September for really bad allergy outbreaks that go anaphylactic trying to eat something, this year I made it past all that and thought I was clear and could starting ramping down for a winter break off zyrtec before I have to start all over again when cedars erupt next February, but I guess I'm not the boss of me and this planet is going to kill me if I don't pay attention.

I am an Ancient Aliens enthusiast, have seen every single show they've ever made, and I have one question- IF humans really are genetically created interspecies hybrids (pleeeease let me be an interspecies hybrid), why in the world have they not fixed our immune systems yet? This is such a miserable planet to breathe on for quite a lot of us, and it seems to me that if we had naturally evolved here, we'd be more adapted to living with all this junk, but our own bodies fight against us just breathing air full of molds and pollens that otherwise never hurt us at all. So what gives? When are they going to fix that???

Side notes.

  • I still keep getting auto-thanked for being a top interactor for a group tag I very rarely respond to.
  • I thought I fixed my Java problem with Kaspersky but apparently not, because it still can't update and now blogger is having fits showing me youtubes on my blogs, which Google search says might mean I need Java...
  • I've been regularly reading other aspie-autie bloggers and discovering my lengthy posts got nuthin on them being singularly focused on their self discoveries on spectrum with all its ups and downs, and while they're very well written and spot on, that's just a LOT of time spent on introspection, which makes my mold post today kinda funny to me.
  • I'm learning the Amazon review ropes, which I hope to expand on at SyfyDesigns, so plenty to keep me busier.
  • This is the most important tweet in the history of twitter. Well, ok, everyone's tweeting it and you can even get video and gifs in the hashtag stream.

Oh, and this. Loved it. Loooove Frankenfurter's red outfit, looooove the new choreography, the Eddie scene is fantastic, adore Columbia's new look, I could go on. They totally nailed it. I'll hafta go back and watch again, Benny C distraction kinda bombed everything. Thrilled to see Tim Curry in it. Way before I was a Lexx fan, I was a huge Curry fan and did Curry Toons.

Guess I need to pull my snotty head together. Srsly, most Pinkyween month EVER between the glue in my hair and weeks of snot and I don't even care any more how crap I look. It's been an excellent month, however, for pulling together a few sacks of stuff for Good Will, getting my holiday greeting cards all lined out and ready to go, and even got popcorn balls made already (and going to make more!). It's been epic fail for menu planning, but high five for EOB and other paperwork organization, fail for keeping my floors done but awesome for actually losing a few pounds. Anyway, need to get moving again. My strategies yesterday WORKED and I'm mobile again, yay!!! Assess back into physical therapy on Nov. 3rd.

Still fighting with Kaspersky over trusted applications, but here you go. I can at least see it on my phone. This all started suddenly yesterday, so maybe I bumped a setting or something, who knows. Well, actually, I can see it in my Torch browser, so it's definitely a Chrome problem. Whatever. I prefer youtube through Torch, anyway. I'm rambling, ta-ta.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

just tea

Today is a little delicate, super spastic fibro spaz in lower back started coming on after the bed at the sleep clinic. It wasn't a bad bed, actually slept ok, but I'm so used to getting up to move around or switch to the couch to prevent this kind of muscle response that it's feeling very 'old days' before I figured all this stuff out. I may be having to switch off ice and heat and doing lower core and stretches off and on all day just to keep walking, and I daresay sitting to 'rest' won't help as much as make it worse. I'd say this sucks, but saying stuff like that prematurely tends to make the cosmos bwahahaha in You think THAT sucks? Try THIS and then I'd probably wind up staggering from countertop to chair back kind of thing wishing I had a walker or a couple of canes. In the old days I'd be able to hands and knees if I had to, that's very simply out now. I cannot resort to destroying what's left of hands and knees sloppily dealing with this without strategic planning.

Those of you with alt remedies on the tip of your tongue, don't even go there. If you really think I haven't tried just about everything short of risking paralyzation in surgery, you either don't know me or you're dumb, so nip it and don't even start. This ain't my first rodeo, and I've already gone through several rounds of not being able to walk, one lasting for months. Unless you've lived like this, you can't fathom it, so back off.

I've thought a LOT about Stephen Strange wrecking up his arms and hands in that car wreck (pre Doctor Strange thoughts). I know what it's like living with all that nerve pain, losing control of fine detail function, the frustration that comes with all the clumsy little things your hands go through. I totally get the guy going from arrogant to pissy and grim determination to f* it all and keep plowing through anything to find some kind of answers or relief, because the only alternative is to quit. Most of you comic book fans are loving all this hype, but not as much as the fans who know what Doctor Strange is going through emotionally being trapped in a crap body and feeling useless and hopeless and very angry about it. It is all our dreams to be able to overcome our challenges and be useful or to be able to once again express what we are good at without ugly pain and clumsiness in the way.

Ok, enough of that. I've got things I need to get done today in between and around all this twingy back stuff, so time to get all over it. Definitely need some go music. Ok, here we go, totally dorky and something I can move around to.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

fear-driven madness

From imdb quotes (1978).

Dr. Stephen Strange: What will I be called upon to do?
Thomas Lindmer: Become more than a man. And renounce such Earthly pleasures as are given to men who are only mortal: the pleasure of ignorance, or offspring, or an easy death.
Dr. Stephen Strange: Will I be asked to give up even love?
Thomas Lindmer: The universe is love. That you shall have.

In the meantime, autumn is kinda meh here. This is as far as we've gotten.

That's right, last time I showed you this street there was 6-8 foot tall wild grass lining it on both sides. Looks so tame now.

This is a fan made supercut extended trailer. Niiiice.

There are a handful of 'Muricans I try to ignore who never discuss life through story telling outside of something biblical. They are entrenched in a decades old mindset and really do believe the world still runs the way they've been clicheing it all their lives in their heads. Some of them actually think fiction story telling is evil and warps the mind to the point of paving the wide road to hell and being lost forever, or, having not seen all the stuff on TV, fail to realize their apocalypse theories are based on what others really believe they see coming out of script writing and acting. To be fair, these are smart people, even brilliant, just fantastically repressed into end world, end times, truther, anti-science, or science weirdly proving something politically horribly wrong with religion(s), and since I grew up like this around people like this and every day of my childhood and parts of my adulthood were like this- I'm tired.

What is or is not truth boils down to who we are and whether we are being real and honest. Until we can stop living double lives as individuals, hiding secrets and masking our own truths, none of the rest matters. Standing up for and defending bastardized politics and religions based on centuries long crafted belief systems essentially brainwashing people while we ourselves never share our own truths is what is at stake here. Pointing at someone else while covering up our own stuff is the shallowest part of humanity, and why most of humanity will always voluntarily be slaves.

I am so, so tired of people being stupid. We are so much more powerful than fear. Fear-driven belief systems have been happening since the dawn of civilization. The gods fight over us, divide us, punish us, and if not them, then we do this to each other in the name of the gods.


I've said in other places that humans have elevated monkeys flinging poop at each other to an art form. I've been saying since I was small that I never wanted to be a human, that I'd rather have been a dog or a horse.

But you know what? There are also some really brilliant people on this planet who use story-telling wisely. They accomplish far more on a world scale in real time than any religion on this planet. If anyone wants to believe I'm going to hell for appreciating this skill and the way it networks people all over the world into a family of fans that care about each other across national boundaries and beliefs, then fine, believe what you want.

I'm done with intellectual jousting from the dark ages, and I'm especially done sharing my thoughts on it because it gets people too excited and then the misunderstandings run rampant into even wilder prognosticating. Trying to explain this to the people who need to hear it is a waste of time, apparently. So, it goes here, where it won't be seen, because who I actually am on this planet isn't nearly so important as the lengthy deep secret discussions over what amounts to fear-driven madness, which does absolutely nothing to help anyone heal or feel loved. I have better things to do with my intellect than spend it in secret caves getting excited about things we can't do anything about.