like, pretend your villain isn't terribly empathic or something

This is a think piece, in case you miss that.

Sometimes I wanna sit and write out all the stuff I would've done in your place kind of thing. Like, lemme show you how to be a better sneak, a sharper thief, a wittier manipulator, a more cunning liar, a farther seeing revenger, a more thorough getting even thinker. The fail I see others stumbling through drives me crazy.

The key to all great successes is simply don't tell anyone. If you have to tell someone, anyone, then you aren't ready for the big leagues. If you can't stand holding it all in and need to spell it all out or you'll pop, you're not that terribly serious. You might still be dangerous and whatever, but you ultimately fail in evil villainry.

You can't have cult followings or pyramid schemes and be ultimately successful. You might be a terribly evil genius, yes, but you will still ultimately fail. Because someone knows.

You are the only one who can know. If anyone ever traces anything back to you for any reason whatsoever, that is fail. If you go blabbing, it's uber fail. If you actually organize, that's so facepalm fail that you wind up being the example of how to fail.

Needing to spill is the greatest weakness.

Conversely, using spill to bait, using truth and vulnerability to snap the trap, and please understand I don't mean being fake vulnerability or acting here, but literally allowing yourself to be stabbed in the back as part of the revenge, now that is heritage cognac level evil villainry.

And let's be honest. Half of you reading this just compared notes, and the other half thought of people you fear. We're not talking about Penguin level leverage and fail here, although I'd love to get hold of a few writers and shake them. We are talking every day people. Everyone holds a grudge, and half of you want to do something about it.

So the key to success is staying quiet. Winning is the actual success. Define what winning is. This is where I am so keenly disappointed in most people that I can barely take anyone seriously. Winning isn't about squashing someone like a bug. Winning is about quietly creating what you'd really like to see happen. People who succumb to thinking that bug squashing means happiness and freedom are pathetic losers and don't deserve to win anyway. Winning is about fixing the problem that creates the bugs in the first place. You don't want a bug? Turn that whole person or situation into a not-bug. Don't make it someone else's problem. Make it not a problem at all.

I know, some of you are actually thinking about killing, maiming, or at least making someone cry as a solution. NO. That's not the solution. The solution isn't about removing or screwing with anyone or anything. Winning isn't about making everything else around it worse. Your scope of vision is far too narrow if that's how you are problem solving.

The whole reason this came up is because I keep running into successions of writing prompts, writing tips, writing memes, writing flaws, and so on ad nauseam. Everyone has the answer to how to make a better villain in a story. The problem with stories is that villains lose. Even if they are winning big for a very long time, they still lose.

The biggest writing fail of our times is making the villain lovable, giving the villain an out. Villains come to their senses, they are seduced by cuteness and some kind of love, they are just sad stories at the core like the rest of us. They are human. NO. A truly evil despicable villain is so unlovable, so broken, so ruined and cruel and obnoxiously loathsome that no one could ever really *care* about that person in their wildest dreams.

Case in point, Gollum. The very best you can do is barely take a little faint pity on the guy once being a simple soul. The rest is pure foul hatred that there is no coming back from. He would never dream of taking on an apprentice, like Palpatine does. The Emperor is a doddering grandfather compared to Gollum. Let's see Palpatine pull off the biggest power heist of the universe with no Senate support, and no Force. Nothing stopped Gollum, and dang if he didn't actually have the Ring back by the time it was over. The Ring itself couldn't stop him from utterly annihilating it with his twisted love.

It's cute to make villains adorable or fashionable or something fondishly cool to be a fan of, like Pixel. Why are we doing this to stories nowadays? Why are villains doing Disney showtunes? Why is Luna Girl the kind of brat we all dream of being deep down inside?

Writer gods forgive me for slamming tips back before I'm officially published, but if you can't Khan your villain into some level of unforgivable, I just can't myself. I can't read or watch stuff that has me feeling warm fuzzies for the super villain without the entire story caving in. If I'm hoping the villain wins, it's either because the story is some genre of mockery or the story is that bad.

Draw a hard line over which your morals don't step around your villains. Make your villains so hateable that no one ever forgets them. Drop the cute and hurt yourself writing what the hell happened. Some of us are out here depending on you to stop slathering evil with fun bathtub coloring soaps. And glitter. Stop that.

Evil needs to be evil. Because that is what evil is. Anything less is propaganda. Something to think about.

afterthought

Per a few of the posts I've made lately, I'd like to mention that I'm getting calls again, this time from Las Vegas from alleged 'publishers' who want to help me with my book. I have the message saved on my phone, along with the phone number. I thought the timing was cute, and it's disconcerting as I am not only unlisted, but especially as they tied my pen name to my phone number when the last publishing solicitor in California used my real name. Before that, other publishing solicitors called trying to interrogate me.

Real publishers don't solicit. I am already contracted, so I had already called my own publisher and asked them about this. They sounded pretty shocked this was happening and assured me they don't give out client info.

The calls I'm getting might actually be legit, but it has the feel of someone working very hard tracking me down and letting me know they know where I am. I could be crazy, but my psychologist keeps insisting I'm not. It's funny they keep trying to help me sell my book, instead of other spammy things. They're trying very very hard to help me sell a book... The very first one who called let me know that if I handed over all my blog material they could put together the book *for* me. I'm a nobody, what in the world makes them think I have material worth any kind of money to them? They haven't even seen what is going into the actual book, and I'm sure not discussing it over the phone with a solicitor.



I've said before and I'll say again- If I ever disappear off the webs, it won't be because I left on purpose. I made a promise to stay public. I have my own story, and I'm already contracted. I'm not part of the entertainment industry except as a fan and an unpaid reviewer. The personal secrets I'm dealing with uncovering for my book are much more pervasive to all of us as a developing culture, but very disturbingly turning up in entertainment. Much to my surprise, eggs have started cracking throughout that industry unbidden by me, and I'm knocked over by how similar those stories are to my own.

If none of this is real, all I have to do is ask- Why the obsession, then? Because I'm not the one making up the obsession the entertainment industry has with certain themes and retelling the same stories over and over in varieties of ways, and I'm most certainly not alone noticing this.





I am The Elephant's Child, and I ask ever so many questions.

follow the pink rabbit

Some of you seem really interested in the grim weird stuff, based on the hard hitting lately, so here's a thought-

• I keep wondering if anyone else is going to bring up the probability of all the MK lawsuits once the industry is torn down. So many actors coming out now hinting and even saying they sold out so they could be famous (fast tracked), and then going through crazy rumor mills and paparazzi problems before they wind up in detox or disappearing to other countries, and ultimately framed by the industry as wacko drug abusers dying crazy weird deaths. Who knows if this is even true, right?

One more question-

• Do you ever wonder why they keep bringing up and remaking the same things over and over, like why do we need so many film versions of Alice in Wonderland, right? I mean, I love those books, raised my kiddo on the Disney cartoon version, loved Sammy Davis Jr. as the Caterpillar, and Andrew Lee Potts is my fave Hatter. But is there rhyme and reason? Who and what are the White Rabbit, and why is this so deeply ingrained into our culture? By the way, I love Pink, she's awesome and totally kills this.

You know. Just thoughts.

Club 2018

Those of you NOT coming in on mobile might be noticing little format tweaks. I've decided I'm in a frickin' good mood this year and I'm done with the getting dragged down stuff. Even when I do my best to shunt it off my main feeds, so many of you are DETERMINED to be a drag that I just stopped even checking half the time. I've had notifications turned off nearly forever now, but just popping on once a day to sparkle a little joy is such a dismal undertaking that I'm not sure how the world even keeps turning. Oh yeah, the real world isn't social media, lol.

I'm barely catching glimpses of the winter olympics, kind of checking on what the gang is watching every night on TV, stuff like that. I miss everyone, but one of the weird side effects of my life getting jerked sideways last year is getting emotionally healthier, so there you go, that's a real thing, social media triggers depressions galore, blahblah. Watched another popular account go ballistic last week being overly tagged in a super massive convo gang on an endless spawn of threads, and I guess it just doesn't occur to some of you to turn notifications off. There is no other answer for that. Some of you saw me writhe in facepalm and fail agony through that, and I'm here to tell you there is so much freedom in silencing the tags.

Anyway, I intend to do a bit more tweaking little by little, since I live here and I feel like remodeling, so if you're coming in sporadically on mobile, Club 2018 is my new thing.

In the meantime, since some of you are bored and the weird stuff gets more attention, here is your next homework assignment.

• Illuminati Symbols In Books, Film and Art- Weird to see how saturated our culture has been.
• Some of you might recall I dreamed about the Eye when I was a child.
• The evolution of the CBS Eye
• "In the Eye's original animated incarnation, its center was a camera iris that opened and shut, and the first still version set the Eye against a background of clouds." -The CBS Eye turns 60
• And now there are cameras everywhere, watching us.
• Who Owns What on Television? Cute graphic...

Maybe it's time to decide what we really want in our lives. Personally, I want a few beautiful days that feel gentle on my soul, and I've been learning the hard way for years that money doesn't buy that, that no one can hand that to me, and that ultimately I'm the one who must find it, create it, and then actually enjoy it. Maybe the hate spew we keep feeling channeled toward is psychological warfare being spun over us by billionaires with agendas. Maybe the depression they create and feed us keeps us all medicated or drinking, both of which keep them rich. Maybe the entertainment lulls us into lives of passivity that go nowhere and we try to feel better buying things. I just know that the longer I'm away from being 'plugged in', the better I feel.

they still haven't realized I'm actually at home

I love this guy
click the pic for a good song

Day 5. Still hiding out from the Jehovah Witness. Curtains drawn, lights off, stealth chores going on. Outside is snow and nasty cold. Weather hasn't deterred them in the past.

I made the mistake of inviting them back when they showed up in my driveway right behind me last week. I was actually glad to see real people that day because my depression was so bad, but politely declined assistance getting my shopping in. We talked for awhile, and I was fine with it and even said we could talk again sometime. When they jumped on what day next week would be good, I auto deflected with we don't have a set schedule around here.

I don't invite people into my house. This is my sanctuary, my escape, my cave. This isn't a hang out for people outside my family. I grew up with my dad pulling people into the house to 'talk bible' and it would last for hours, and he even had me cooking meals so he could keep them there. He loves talking bible, and can out talk anyone, yes, including Jehovah Witness. I know for a fact that they eventually realize they are trapped and work on ways to escape.

I am like my dad. I am saving them from exhaustive entrapment. I am saving us all from a not so cute cat and mouse head game. I am like my dad. I like to win...

pic clicks to wiki page
make of it what you will
the USS Illuminati (NCC-60309) in ST Expanded Universe is a little over the top, I think
all the good stuff is in the interactive gaming
the rest flies under audience radar

So the stuff I brought up in the last post, right. It hit me later, I remembered having seen someone on facebook freaking out about finding out their kid's photo was being sold on the internet for a weirdly high price and they couldn't figure out why in the world, right. Well... maybe the cloning is a real thing. Maybe human trafficking isn't against the law when you use tissue samples from birthing and whatever (*cough*abortions*cough*) to clone cute little kiddies and people can pick them out of catalogs. Just saying. None of that is new. This is old stuff. You guys only know about it accidentally because of social media shares and internet surfs.

Those of us on the topside still have some semblance of human rights. I'm about to tell you exactly what I think since I've been so cryptic all through Pinky blog. Well, it still looks cryptic, but this is how it boils down.

Whatever comes, two things.

• Your mind in the moment is yours. Even if you are brainwashed, there are times you are a lucid self, and that person is who owns those moments. No one else owns your love and kindness. You create that, in any situation. No one is ever brain broken and retrained to be sweet and kind. If you want to own yourself, be sweet and kind in your lucid 'now' moments.
• We are all slaves. We always have been. We are continually used like noobs and taken advantage of with the whole freedom idea, and human dignity is a gift we give each other daily, not something someone owes us. We are the ones who give each other dignity.

Nothing else in this world holds any promises. Pinky blog assumes we are all already screwed. I am teaching you how to go forward and survive.

You don't have to believe in whatever god people hold over you or that extraterrestrials exist or that governments actually don't care about people as much as they do infrastructure, and you certainly don't have to believe me hinting at anything, but somewhere in your mind, heart, and soul there is a real person, and you easily forget to notice that we are all real people caught in a big mess. Where did the mess start? That's debatable. Did someone engineer this mess? That's food for thought. Is this mess necessary? From certain points of view, it might be. But underneath all that mess is you are real. Whether a genuine God is real is between you and God and no one else's place to manipulate you with. Some people do care, but don't realize they themselves come from a very brain trained institutionalized process that uses God to create and enhance emotional dysfunction and pressured compliance. That is not a loving God. Learn to tell the difference.

Never forget that you are real. Even if everything falls apart, or if your world is already broken, you are real. YOU are what is important. Your moments. The gifts you quietly give others. You own that.

when fools don't fly

Warning- aspienado obsession post. Fly, you fools!

Someone in France is lately interested in my back to conspiracy school and gloriously idiotic posts from last summer. Other than meaning absolutely nothing (coughcough), I have no idea why anyone would even care. Except that 2/3 of my top traffic over the last 30 days is still coming from France.

(I'm not talking about Benedict or Lexx fans. I can see you, too. Hi.) I can see the (likely abandoned) blog the pings pretend not to come from, so I know they're 'fake', except that the pings are manually tweaked every few days, which I've gotten used to and hardly care about any more. One tracker sees the ping part, the other tracker see the actual incoming just before the pings get tweaked again. Someone stays in some fancy places making money off code ripping. I don't want to just blow off other countries like this site suggests since I have real people using search engines showing up and then actually using tags (and I'm able to compare all the stuff I see to fandom blogging, where the readership is worldwide), but again, this has been ridiculously overdone on little ol' Pinky blog. The target pings have been a bit too specific to just blow off.

Do I care? Why would I care? Should I care? I've known all this stuff that I write in my posts for a very long time, a lot of info (aka conspiracy) has gone public now, pretty sure the world has been dredged like a fine flour in brain training going out of control long before media moguls got a good grip on it, and I'm also pretty sure that 'programming' continues through entertainment and 'free' sources through social medias, like youtube accounts going viral. Get a mental picture fixed in several million minds, set the rumor mill in motion, plant seeds and watch them sprout across vast mind fields around the globe. Why are weirdly specific hits still coming in on a really old post that says No, I'm not telling you last night's dream. But it was very weird. It was like the world was becoming synchronized and everyone was being channeled into their favorite drugs and religions and then grouped up for strange mental exercises that broke down their safety barriers (killed the red flags and warning whistles going off in their heads) until everyone was happily wasted and cooperating like drones doing things they'd have resisted doing otherwise.

This has been going on since civilization began, so who even cares?

The ones who want to win care. I want to be on the winner's side. I want to slide into victory and not be culled. Call me shameless, but I've been alluding to that throughout this entire blog.

I've never named who I think or hope the victor might be. I probably wasn't the first to point out that one of the world stage players actually branded themselves into a unique lifestyle that anyone can now voluntarily contract into in exchange for services, although I never saw anyone else say it. That single post on 11-12-16 was what started all this mess on my blog, and that one experimental word (logo) has kept my stats off the hook ever since, to the point of making that post private for awhile trying to make it stop. (I'm neither monetized nor professionally published at this point). My only tags on that post were 'blogging' and 'stats' and I didn't try pushing the link anywhere. I wrote that this bunch was branding months before their official website ever went live, before the rest of the world seemed to even think of that as far as I could tell, and now we have this announcement.


For naysayers, there are a lot of people making really big money behind all kinds of curtains in entertainment, and if someone spams me 94 times on specific blog posts from another country about it, yeah, kinda gets my attention. I'm not alone. And this isn't a singular incident by far.


The fastest way to agenda transparency is to fictionalize it.


Now pay attention to this.


And now we're live tweeting in big groups, sometimes people over the entire world all at the same time. Our emotions spike and plunge for an hour together like an exhausting roller coaster, and while it's brilliant fun and I love how witty some of the viewers can be, it's very telling how easily people are massed controlled.


Um, ok, who volunteers for that kind of testing...

The people who invented margarine wouldn't allow their families to eat it, either. They said stick to butter. Didn't mean to pun that.

Hard veer grinding our gears, what do you guys think about V2K and our phone apps letting us know they'll need permission to access anything at any time? It's smoothly covered by actually interacting, like people asking their phones for info, but I've seen my phone pop on to 'listening' several times over the last month and had to be manually shut back off. This phone is over 2 years old and that never happened before this last month. I've never used that particular app on purpose, but apparently it can randomly just come on now all by itself without me even being near my phone. This stuff is not new. Why now?

Those of you who still go nah, that's just fiction really need to wake up. Weapons based on radio waves - electromagnetic weapons Or don't wake up, I don't care. I'm not saying live in fear or anything, because we've already been immersed in this stuff for years and most of you never knew it anyway, but you need to understand that transparency through fiction means you've already been told. Why make up such extravagant fiction? Why tell the same kinds of stories over and over and over in so many fiction shows and books and comics? Why is it so important to establish that governments have secret agents who may or may not be hunted or celebrities on the side or disappearing or fighting for their lives? Why is this such a huge thing that takes up so much of our entertainment programming?

What is voice to skull? - Click that. It's real.

Let's gear grind again.

I wrote this 3 years ago this month- bioelectricity- evidence that we are someone else's Sims, and this a little over 2 years ago- what if we're all social plug-ins We humans and all kinds of other life on this planet are extremely susceptible to electromagnetic change of any kind, even if it's just on a cellular level and we are not consciously aware of it. Elon Musk went viral about our world possibly being a simulation last year. Odds are we're living in a simulation, says Elon Musk While people freaked out about that, I was wondering how in the world he was so late to the game even saying it? Why didn't he speak up sooner? Because that was already old stuff.

Basically, the info is out there, and it's still very easily accessible for now. Internet regulations are recently changing, other stuff I've pointed out in past posts have changed while we were having holiday, all it would take is a dirty nuke from North Korea to take down the grid and our instant access to information, and who knows if youtube will become super tied down with more stringent policing regulation going forward. There's no excuse not to be knowing this stuff. Y'all can act all surprised, indignant, enraged, and terrified all you want when the shoes start dropping and things change more than you expected, but it's all out there.

I could slide through a whole other thing about the orchestration of internet addiction disorder (former Facebook CEOs have apologized in interviews posted on youtube, stating they knew what they were doing getting user psychologically dependent on the feedback loops), but I need to let it go for now.

Back to the moment.

on a complicated fence

On a Disney princess scale, I think Bunny fits this pic the best.

Ok, so I'm beaten at my own game for click bait, it's funny and creepy and totally puts me in the hotseat, so here we go, what is really in my head. #transparency

Forgive me for being so slow, but blogger stats are pretty vague, and it took awhile to even notice at first, then took even longer to filter and decipher into probable wussappenings, and now it's just obvious. 7 simultaneous post hits every 45 minutes.

I'm not on enough to catch clean hits very often, but I got an idea few days ago to check real time response, and the turnaround was so fast on Vivendi (never before linked ANYWHERE) while other posts stayed static over many weeks with only minor changes that I guess just whispering on Pinky blog is a big deal.

I've been pretty open with contemplations, personal beliefs, etc, but I have yet to share my trail of thought winding around how it all fits together in my mind. So here we go.

I've stated before a few times that we got Dish specifically to get the Sci-Fi Channel specifically to get Sliders after Fox dropped the show. On MGM on Dish is where I first saw Stargate SG-1 and Lexx originally air in the U.S. I love both shows. When MGM dropped them, they both slid over to the Sci-Fi Channel, and then Friday Prime was born, adding Farscape to the line up.

I've also written across several blogs how I grew up with a doomsday parent, my dad immersing me in end of world prophecies, UFO and other alt-science theories, numerology, but very staunchly biblical aka anti astrology. He believed in stars lining up, but not in them having personal meaning in our lives kind of thing. Along with that, I was hard core trained in debate, chess, and killing to eat from a very young age. By the time I was 12 I could argue rings around people and skunk nearly anyone on a chess board.

My dad has never felt comfortable with my intense draw to science fiction. I love everything about scifi. One of our most candid disagreements was about finding out Ra and the other gods were real characters in Stargate and how that would poison my mind. My dad is the kind of guy who would drop anything to listen to Billy Graham, and he was been freakishly obsessed with the rapture all his life. It consumes him. I finally vaguely confessed on Pinky blog that I think my dad may have been exposed to a brain training technique at a young age, and I based that largely on his memory as a young boy of being warned by church ministers (in the wheat fields of Kansas) about being grabbed by strange men. Don't follow them! Don't listen to them! Many years later I'm finding documentation of Mennonite men being excellent choices for special ops training because they were broken early as children (obey!) and grew up killing. So... maybe my dad has a point. Maybe his obsessions are because of a real thing. Maybe there are a few secrets locked away in there that will go to the grave with him, because no one can pull them out. It's like he's got an automatic switch that takes over, and then we're talking about the rapture again.

I love Star Trek, and one of my most seen posts is a devotion piece to Jim Kirk. I have loved the idea since I was a kid that there could be a World Federation, and that we could put all our resources together to go do much cooler things. I grew up with the entire franchise and it very strongly impacted my life, especially Mr. Spock. Turns out I'm autism spectrum, and I'm pretty sure that's why he became such a hugely popular character. So many of us either naturally identified with him or knew someone like him in real life.

Back to Vivendi. I was working at Kohl's when Lexx was airing on the Sci-Fi Channel, and Kohl's was among the first in the nation to use a satellite show to advertise a dotcom address. Back then that was HUGE. I noticed it immediately, MY store on MY show and the ability for viewers to hop right on the internet and start shopping while they watched TV.

I'm kind of a weirdo, aspienado apparently uses entertainment specs as an autism train obsession, and back then I looked up what was behind this new idea in sales across digital media. (That just sounds cool to me.) Back then the Sci-Fi Channel, along with Universal and others, were owned by the Vivendi company in France. I was fascinated that the French owned American media. Since then they've branched out into telecommunications and gaming, and it's been truly fascinating to watch this growth. Their history is a very long one, going back to the 1800s and now a worldwide power player in everything we all do, so yeah, kind of a big deal.

Vivendi and Lexx are tied in my mind because of how it rolled out like that. It seems indirect, but it's kind of direct.

I've written reams about Lexx. I own everything Stargate and Farscape and Lexx. I've been called a super fan by a number of people. Other prominent super fans interact with me sometimes on other medias.

Back to my stats. I say some very important and kinda deep things on Pinky blog once in awhile, and regular readers have probably caught on I'm not a typical scifi fan, not a typical Christian, not a typical gut reactor to journalism, not a typical neurodiverse person. I don't focus on any particular thing in my blogging but myself and how things related to me and impact me- basically, the path I took getting here. I'm not here to tell anyone how to live, what to do, or where to get off. The closest I get to that is when I say open your eyes.

The world is the way it is. Lotta different people out there fighting to keep things one way or change things into something else. Lotta big feels about who is bad and wrong and lengthy diatribes about why we're right or whatever. Lotta jumble and mirky water out there. Nothing is clear. People choose their focuses and stick to core beliefs they can't philosophically defend, but that doesn't matter becaus the most important thing is always us vs them and we're right, they're wrong.

What if no one is right, and no one is wrong.

What if we're all right, and we're all wrong.

What if the only way we can resolve any of that is to put ALL our brains together.

Mass media is already working on this. World sync and brain training are already happening. Seeing all the things and knowing each other is possible on a scale never before seen in human history. Beneath all the stories in entertainment is a common theme- commit to your people, focus on survival, forgive and love your own, and even join up with the perceived enemy, because the enemy turns out to be just like you, just stuck in a different situation.

There are groups on this planet doing their best to stop this from developing into- what? Human dignity on a world scale? World commerce that easily feeds all the people on the planet? Ease and comfort and health care and education support for everyone? Happiness?

Religious and political wars have been going on continuously time out of mind. Some say this is our natural state. I beg to differ. I'll agree that it's a natural human thing to need to fight to develop and survive, and that first world ennui might have something to do with no longer seeing real blood in our lives, yeah. But that's a superficial answer. The deeper answer to Who am I and Why am I here is How do I belong?

I'm not here to advertise or advocate for a group. Pinky blog isn't not paid or compensated in any way for link sharing. I personally don't endorse ANY decision without deep thought and discussion with loved ones, and I very strongly reiterate to keep reaching out if you need help. Keep talking. All of us need to keep being and doing and talking. No more secrets. Be the person you were born to be.

I have no feelings for or against Illuminati. I grew up with that word because of my dad. A lot of people fear that word, blow it off as a joke or conspiracy, or feel drawn to it like moths. Whatever. All I know is that it's been a part of my life since I was born, even though I'm not a member and I don't personally know of anyone who is. However, now that they have officially come out with websites, my stance on it is that it's a brilliant new way to moralize the church/state conundrum without political and religious affiliation. Modern Machiavelli. And if Vivendi is part of this plan, then you are already part of it too as a digital media consumer.

I've alluded to growing pains on our way to a better world. I see the conflicts in opinions and approach around the world as growing pains. I believe this is going to happen no matter what, it's been happening for a very long time already anyway, and you either get on board with this is just the way the world is going or die a bitter death complaining about everything around you. I don't condone, nor do I look away. It simply is.

The world becoming a better place on our personal level is about US. Who are we right now? What are we choosing to do with each day? How are we treating one another? Are we spreading negativity or love? Are we growing or wilting? Focusing on ourselves is the best way I can see to make the world a better place. Worrying about things we cannot control from where we sit only adds to the frustration and chaos.

I choose to focus on Pinky. Pinky loves scifi and fantasy entertainment. Pinky loves the stories.

1000th post

I searched 'pinky turbo 1000'. The internet did not disappoint.

I had a visit earlier today from enjoyingthejourney, much appreciated even though I don't know if that was the blog owner or someone just coming from there. I check out referrals, and some of them have good stuff. This one has a recent post called An Open Secret: Documentary on Hollywood Pedophelia featuring this vid (clicks to IMDB), about an hour and a half long. I generally don't sit through long vids, but I did that one because Corey Feldman cameo'd in it. (Took a few breaks, though.) I mention The Two Coreys in older blog posts at Spaz and Surveypalooza, so this is something I've been aware of for awhile.

Anyway, the last 10 minutes are so powerful, I'm going to quote some of the things people said in it.

"The dream is so important. You know why? Because if you live in this earth, you have to feel something, and the dream makes you feel things. And that's what the power of a dream is, you know? A dream is life."

Evan Henzi: "It's a hard process to go through, the whole court thing, the whole police stuff, but in the long run it's so worth it, because in the long run it really isn't about how long this person will serve time in prison, or getting justice, revenge, and all that. It's more a kind of being able to express yourself and say Look, this happened to me, and I'm going to move on from it, and I'm not going to hide this in my head the rest of my life. And I'm going to maybe possibly learn to make a difference to somebody else by speaking out about it."

Corey Feldman on The View: "I'm saying there are people that were the people that did this to both me and Corey (Haim) that are still working, they're still out there, and they're some of the richest most powerful people in this business. And they do not want me saying what I'm saying right now."
Response from Barbara Walters: "You're damaging an entire industry." wtf, Barbara... 😡😢 (Corey Haim Died Broke & Alone, Says Corey Feldman)

Caroline Heldman: "Ultimately I think that viewers are the only group of power in this situation, because I think that there will always be a steady stream of kids who wanna be famous, of parents who push their children. And this industry, it's interesting how we will go and pay money and support a system which sexualizes children or puts them in situations in films where they're around adults who are engaging in inappropriate things. We would never do that for our own children."

Here is the original song at the end of that documentary.



Ok, some of you guys know how I feel about all this junk, and that even a very well done documentary about the Hollywood child actor sex ring doesn't make me blink. In the documentary they say this is the tip of a very big iceberg. Well, how about that is actually the tiny tip of a very local iceberg that has worldwide connections and commerce. If you've been paying attention to entertainment at all going back to our parents and grandparents, this has always existed. (And seriously, this goes back through human history, this is nothing new at all.) There are people and even families in our first world country who actually have kids to sell them, and this covers every religion, every political camp, every background and point of view. Children are commodities. I'll go so far as to say that hand picked/placed police, judicial, and medical personnel all help keep this network running very smoothly, case in point, how many people in Hollywood have access to so many prescriptions to use on other people. And no, I don't say this because I watch too much conspiracy drama on TV.

Until humans decide that it sucks for everyone to keep paying for commodities made out of other humans who are stripped of all their rights, threatened regularly with punishment or death if they don't cooperate or keep secrets, and drugged to be controlled, then none of this will change. And anti-sex people aren't off the hook. As long as militant religions can burn their wives and daughters for kindnesses to strangers, this world will never know peace. As long as people can mutilate their children and force them through rituals that break them down into obedient robots in the names of belief systems, there will be no 'faith in humanity restored'.

Before I forget, I'd like to challenge older adults in entertainment who made such a big deal stepping up for religion and politics to actually start helping these younger actors with the finger pointing. Pretty sure some of you have been groomed yourselves, even the super straight ones who are so careful not to rock more of the boat than you absolutely have to while you're rocking it on politics and religion.

I've had a long, crabby week, so it's fitting that my thousandth post be especially crabby. I'm really ticked at Barbara for responding like that.

I need distraction.

game

I have a pattern of more intensity just prior to and during antibiotics. I go on deep research dives and scattered information benders that lead to some really wild places. I generally don't share how weird it gets, but in between the sudden random short weepy bursts (probably because I hold back so much on just really not feeling well and then I can't control it once antibiotic hits), I go on web blitzes that make X-Files level conspiracy theories seem as acolytic as plain American cheese might to a master chef specializing in cave aged Gruyere. I fondly blame the herxing. If you're new to me and don't know what that is, here you go.

The problem with the intensity is that I'm too much of a mess to get any real work done on any level (yes, duh, I'm sick), but if I don't stay busy I crash through room after room of high speed awesome ideas ripping through my brain and ridiculously sad pathetic unawesome thoughts about how I'll never finish my cool underwater city on StarrStrukk (minecraft), and it's like being on a stupid kiddie roller coaster cycling around the same little circle of ups and downs and I can't seem to interrupt it with youtube or TV or reading a book or cleaning or cooking or eating anything or even a nap, so I just spelunk wildly through the darker part of the webinet looking for trubba.

A few of today's excursions included

• I Dream of Jinn-ie (I lol'd, this was a long-shot and someone actually did it)
• The Illuminati Formula to Create an Undetectable Total Mind Control Slave (strong caution on abuse triggers)
• Benedict Cumberbatch is ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED!!! (funny youtube reveal parody)
• Lady Gaga - “Yoü & I” Analysis (my question is who and why anyone went to all this effort to spell it out, and I suspect it's to prove that we no longer blink or care, so they can openly show off their power over mass mind control now)
• 'Human sacrifice' ceremony at Geneva's CERN laboratory - involving cloaked men 'stabbing a woman' at night - is investigated by chiefs at world-famous science centre (I've made long blog titles but this one wins the gold star)
• Phroyd's World (be careful, you will seriously get lost in there)

I have thankfully managed to steer clear of most of pinterest, a nightmarish black hole binge that can go on for hours.

Blogging through some of the herx helps me reorient. In about an hour I'll start supper.

Anyway, so I've had this funny idea for a long time that the reason Lexx never really went big, despite worldwide interest and still-current fan activity, is because they didn't play right with the powers that be. Lexx represents everything that goes against the mainstream entertainment grain, and the more you look into Illuminati anything in entertainment history, the more you understand that the Lexx story is about breaking free and escaping that. It feels like one of those free-thinking shows that got quietly knocked off the rails because it sends the wrong message.

I just said something very powerful. Now I'm going to go do something else and pretend I didn't just say it, because I'm in a weird herx mind state and can't be held responsible for saying something that would make a few people distance themselves even further from me. Here, have a fun video to watch while I go fold some more laundry.

you know you're all a bunch of gerbils, right?

My head doth protest. I quip that it's going soft, to crawl back to the primordial ooze it organized from and weep, and it tells me it needs more coffee first.

lol, click for cute blog

I used to be so tough, springing forth and getting right to work at 3 and 4 a.m. Lately I'm staggering forth, whining, and this in spite of a virtual A+ with the psychiatrist yesterday. Is this what normal feels like? My God, how do you people stand it?

Ok, I mock. It's been a very long month in a very long year. I feel like I've already slammed through 6 months, not 4. Every day I'm still amazed at how quickly I'm cramming things into my head now, miles of tutorials, hours of vids and streams and recordings, even actually reading a book in between all of it, and this on top of keeping up with my house and my errands. This month has truly sucked, and yet I still conquer in so many little ways.

I used to curl up on the couch at a certain time every day. I used to pace out my days in increments just to get a few things done. I used to hang on by my fingernails on a phone tethered to social media, and a few people thought I was already a machine back then.

I'm about to go full machine. I know, I keep saying I'm about to do something, have been saying it for years, and this is really no different, but my days have so drastically changed and I have become so capable that turning my attention to something produces results in one third the time now, or even less. Everything in my head is reorganizing, everything settling into a new rhythm, and I can feel serious flow logistics being tested. It wasn't that long ago that it took all the focus I could muster to produce content, and I did it out of sheer stubbornness.

The keyword yesterday was all the various incarnations of functionality. I have worked very hard to become a functional person, versus a dependent person. I am still dependent in many ways, and always will be. I need help with meeting my financial requirements, for example (for now- I still dream of shooting for some stars). My physical function, however, is nothing short of miraculous (and which I still work very hard for), my emotional function is probably the healthiest it's been in years, my cognitive function continues to improve (which was initially unplanned, and I'll probably always be glitchy, but I'm getting better at managing it), and my social function is at least remaining steady. By the way, both my psychologist and psychiatrist (back to back appointments this week) see my trend away from social media as a healthy one. (The diversion into minecraft is still up in the air.) I set up social media as a platform, it turned into a crutch, I know exactly when it started doing that and why, and I've reset back to my own path. Key phrase- my own path. As in not someone else's.

Speaking of my own path, this is happening. My followers know that I've recently very seriously downsized my twitter by over 1500 accounts, and that I'm not aggressively or even passively looking for more numbers. I understand that many people get asked to 'follow', but deeper waters across the years would reveal that I'm being asked to pledge my influence. I support a variety of fandoms, have even publicly supported a few funding drives, but I cannot support a site that directs actions I disagree with and then quietly solicits funds. I feel so strongly about this that I wrote about it and linked it across several medias, on SyfyDesigns on Facebook on grandfortuna, but I will be gracious enough to give my readers a chance to check it out and follow for themselves if they'd like. Just click this convo snip to reach twitter, and from there you can link to their dotcom in the bio.

I've made note in the past that a few Merlin fans have created the most brilliant and beautiful fansites I've ever seen, and they've inspired me deeply. I could be doing that same thing with Lexx, making a big beautiful site and quietly holding a donation jar just out of sight. I don't solicit fans. I especially don't use all the fan content I can find to promote my own fansite. In the past, when the Lexx fandom was more publicly active, yes, I rescued a site from utterly disappearing with its own blog (but you guys never saw me beg the original owner of the content to take ownership of the blog after all the work I did), showcased fan involvement (most of you never saw the flak I took for highlighting ostracized fans banished for not correctly playing the head games), and worked diligently to create diplomatic relationships with webmasters in other countries during raids and bombing blitzes that had most fans diving for cover. What webmasters of other fandoms may not know about me and my past is that I've already been threatened with lawsuits, already been asked by state police on a convention floor if I'd like to press charges, already heard every conceivable rant and wistful depression about bringing a show back.

Politely asking me to openly follow a fandom initiative hellbent on remolding the world to their wishes runs much deeper than politely just following back. What most of my Pinky readers (barring a few deep lurkers) wouldn't understand is the politically rippling message that would send across the other fandoms I support, and around the world. I am closely followed by several key webmasters in cities around the globe, and there are people who keep me on mobile notification day and night that you know nothing about.

So I sort of politely decline. I'll also add that after all the personal work I've put into my own emotional and social mental health, I'd invite a few other webmasters to do the same. This level of obsession is very unhealthy in my eyes, and to actually get so many people around the world worked up and following commands amounts to cult level leadership. I really don't want to see a bunch of Merlin fans drinking any kool-aid.

In case some of you think I'm being ridiculous, I'll just say back that I know a few private things that you don't about a few fans. It's neat that they collect all the things into internet scrapbooks and have the money or access or support to share real time travel stuff on sets and at airports and it's fun that we get inside snippets from unnamed unfaced people who are really inside and leak stuff out (I've been privy to a few really cool things), but when links go up for donations or a list of directives start rolling out, that's where I draw the line. Not accusing anyone of doing anything illegal, just saying I don't play the head games, and I don't expect fandoms to pay for what they see or get from me, and I especially don't require membership registration for anything I do. Everything I put on the medias is wide open to the public. I don't force lurkers to reveal themselves with forms and account IDs.

I won't go into why I don't monetize again. If you really want to know, here is my 'stat' tagged post list. I've turned down funding support and hosting several times through the years. I have bigger plans.

click for a delightful waste of time

Screeching around a corner into a wildly different topic, have you guys ever wondered where we get this automatic idea from that pandimensional beings either root for us or plot against us? Angels protect us (from what?), devils whisper in our ears (for what purpose?), fates taunt us while destinies call to us, and we oscillate betwixt guilt and glory in our tiny little minds. What in the world started all this?

I'm a Lewis fan, so of course I think The Screwtape Letters are the bomb, and Dr. Weston becoming a shell for that horrible evil thing in Perelandra was about the truly creepiest thing I ever read, but when it all boils down, I have found that the negativity of the dark side, as it were, can be brain-trained out of one's automatic response system. Why does the brain play these tricks? What is it about society that trains the brain to play these tricks? Is this a necessary survival mechanism for maintaining culture in general, and whose bright idea was it to incorporate it into mainstream cognitive programming of our species so many millennia ago? Because if you want to debate that with me sometime, I'd love to point out the all new brain training going in in current media, with Lucifer and the antiChrist and dark angels and whatevs being held up as entertainment icons. Is the general public now being calloused to the old ways through repetitive story bending, or is this a mass brain training at an all new level of doublethink? I see way too many 'Christians' and other spiritually minded people out there slurping up every sloppy splat of blood and angst they can get on the networks, and I'm wondering how empty some of you are to be this thrilled with 'new' ways of thinking. I'm watching the old open minded Star Trek fandoms being dumbed down to devil fans and wondering just who's in charge here.

I don't believe in accidents of fate, but I believe in synchronicity. One could argue this is basically the same thing, but not really. Just as the universe is webbed with dark matter and our brains are webbed with neural pathways, so the human race is webbed like a network around our globe. The pattern is the same, no matter how big or how small. We are all part of each other, and we are all part of the whole thing. It would be one thing if we moved in tandem with our own species, but we don't, we continually disrupt each other with negativity. Some postulate this negativity was introduced by dark forces that beguile and deceive us, some are convinced it's just part of our nature. The dark forces have been explained as everything from fallen angels and demons to aliens who once visited our planet and may still walk among us, and the nature explanations throw babies out with baths unable to take sides on justice and moral principles without begging all kinds of questions.

I won't go over everything I've ever read, which is quite a lot, going back thousands of years, studies from every conceivable angle (including science), and even the new medical philosophies. I'm just asking where it comes from. No one knows. It's still just a guess. Our brains haunt us, and we are trapped in them, an existential horror that no one can grasp enough to say why it's even happening. I personally think it should be impossible to be this aware in a universe where the only thing that happens is cause and effect. The observer thing only confuses us. I think we're still not looking deep enough. Our minds are still too tiny.

So, back to in the moment. What is right and what is wrong in any given moment and what we do with our time here is completely up to us. We can blame it on whatever we want, but in the end I think all our motivations boil down to whether we are selfish or selfless. I've said this before, a long time ago somewhere, that I think all our miseries really do boil down to this- selfish people ruin things, selfless people fix things. Human brains are natural problem solving machines. With good directives, humans do amazing things. With bad programming, humans do despicable things.

So I'm asking who is doing the brain training? Who is programming all this philosophical frappe into our entertainment? Who is breaking down the barriers and remodeling what is good and bad for our amusement? I'm not against it, but I'm a little surprised by the flocks that fall into it so quickly. I'm not seeing a lot of thought being generated about what our entertainment industry is slipping into our belief system cocktails. I'm all for shaking things up, but part of that shaking up needs to contain more than being upset that our favorite character died or that a show got canceled. I'm saying this across the board, not because of the Merlin thing up there. I'm seeing this everywhere, all around me. Are we really so spiritually bereft that we cannot handle dozens of icons almost being force fed to us (think about it- you pay them to let you beg for programming...) and then ripped away? We are practically drowning in heroic characters, or at least stoic ones. The fictional characters we idolize far outnumber the amount of people we know in real life now. We live in a dichotomy, lead double lives. What are we hanging onto, and why? It's ok to question what's in your head.



I've been able to slack off on the benadryl a bit this week, thanks to storms. Here's to hoping tree season is just about over. I'm tired of being pickled on H1 blockers.

Next week I start the hard stuff again, back in physical therapy.

run with me

I'm not a safe person, but I will do everything in my power to stand between the dark and the people I love. I still make mistakes. I still say stupid things and do stupid stuff, but never out of malice. Some of my friends find me dragging them out of their holes and get a little scared. That's ok. I'm learning not to spotlight and make the world suddenly look at you. But y'all know it's important, right, to be seen. That people know you're there. I hope Holly won't mind me using her as an example. The first two snips were private, but hella cool.

I couldn't help pointing it out. SPOTLIGHT.

I've been saying for the last three years how important fans and fandoms are to me, helping me hang on through the long dark nights, helping me feel like I'm part of something and not alone. Even when I want to be alone, I'm lurking in the dark, watching the webs, finding cool stuffs, enjoying other people's wit and creativity and enthusiasm and love for something. So are you.

I've tried sitting in a dark hole. God knows I love my cave. But even in my cave I can't help starting trouble. It's in my nature to stand up and speak knowing I could be shot. It's in my nature to be real and draw fire, and it's deeply rooted in my nature to love it.

But I know the social discomfort I'm working through is nothing compared to what some of my lurkers are going through. Fandoms know no borders, and I feel like I have a worldwide family out there. Not all my lurkers are aware what's going on or what it's even like to live so close to the kinds of political stress I see people coming from in my trackers, but *I* see you, and I do not and never will take you for granted. I once got after another blogger for blowing her outside views off as spambots. Unless you haven't turned on your spam filters, those dots are PEOPLE.

I think the last big politically incorrect hurdle above all others that we need to overcome is the them vs us mentality, them being anyone who is not us. In the last couple of weeks my blogs have been hit hard by several areas dealing with military incursions and law/justice policies flipping over like pancakes. I can't even tell you how it blows my mind and how honored I feel seeing lurkers regularly coming from dire straits, because fandoms have no borders.

I'm a big leap person. All my life I've been the one in trouble, the one leading the pack into trouble, the one being kicked out of the pack because I'm trouble. Behind all of my leaping has been a solid belief that my all or nothing leaps are important, even when they were utterly wrong. They were important because I learned so much from them.

Some of you know I'm a Jim Kirk fan. Saying it like that is about as understating as it gets, but blogger doesn't allow 30 foot letters glowing into space. I'm not a mommy blogger. I'm not an entertainment journalist. I'm a fan who believes that what we're seeing in our favorite shows mirrors our fears, hopes, and dreams for our own futures. I believe it's important for fans to find each other and keep holding the world together in our hearts and souls while real life keeps blowing it up. I see you out there. You guys are my rock. I especially like that Holly isn't afraid to push me back out of my hole and challenge me. We used to make a game of it, and rock twitter apart, and maybe we will again.

The dark and I are not strangers. You guys know I wanna start bigger trouble than that. I'm not sure if me and Holly could ever break twitter, but there's something going on in this world I want to break really bad, and I see you guys that are watching and I know you'll know when to duck. #aspienado 

FINAO (Failure Is Not An Option)

Here it comes, awake since 1:30, finally got up at 2:30, it's only 3 and I'm ready to punch that coffee maker on.

The last 24 hours I've juggled a few people, weighed priorities, kinda felt like triage. I'm not complaining because this means I actually have people in my life who choose me to listen. I was nearly called on the carpet for not responding quickly enough in public yesterday by a person who hasn't yet taken the time to get to know me that well, which doesn't mean I don't care, but... sometimes ya gotta wait in line.

This is a reminder of who I am and the personality you're dealing with, especially in case you've not stalked all my blogs. (Some have. Bless you.) This is from one of my posts at Surveypalooza.

If your best friend came to you depressed and upset like you’ve never seen before, how would you react?

This has happened. Situations like this are why I don’t have friends. I need a t-shirt that says “I Suck”, because with the Asperger’s it takes at least 3 months for the ‘oh…’ to hit and realize what I should have done and said. Hmm, can’t believe how many different kinds of I Suck tees came up on a search… I’m forever stepping innocently into the offensive without a thought or clue. It’s kind of like when I wanted to find Black Rocks (a chicken breed) and my search bar autocorrected to black cocks, which I thought would also be chickens. And one time I looked up ‘chicken fanciers’ because there are dog and cat breed fanciers, right? I learned a LOT that day. Wo, free associated right off this question into sexland. See, this is why I suck as a friend, I really can’t stay in the moment with your sadness.

Let us distract ourselves.

Most of our 'stuff' starts with this.

Then it turns into this.

It doesn't take long to arrive here.

Eventually, all experiences stop entertaining us.

We kinda sorta try to get more involved and creative.

Some of us seem to get into a few squirmishes.

Some of us go on self discovery missions.

And some of us learn how to lead the way through the badlands of despondency.

Some of us get a little lost.

In the end it's all good.

One of my survival skillz is remembering that whatever is sucking for me at the moment 1- I know someone who is having a way suckier day, or at least I would if I paid a little attention, and 2- I've had suckier days myself. I won't go into details, except to say that this works exceptionally well if you've ever met someone with 3/4 of their face burned off in a house fire.

I haven't brought this up because I really don't wanna sound whiny, but I may as well jump on the bandwagon. I'm sure this is going to sound really trivial compared to several of you going through worse right now, but I want to add my voice to the night.

My front tooth hurts right up into the root and feels slightly loose and I have this irrational fear it will slide right out.

There, I said it. I know it's just the prednisone. I've even figured out it's partly from all that hard fast swelling I went through with the latex dust reaction in that shoe store the other day, and maybe now the pred has shrunk the swelling and that nerve is in shock or something, I dunno. It's just scary that walking into a shoe store could actually swell tissue around the bones in my face so hard that it takes emergency meds to make it stop, you know?

I live on the edge every day. I never know when the next reaction will be. This has been going on for several years, and I've learned that there is nothing like a good scare to wake a person up. Fear can be a very healthy motivator. It makes us get up and move and save our lives. At least, that's what it's intended to do. I'm a nervous wreck about 23 hours a day, but I'm finding that channeling this unique kind of energy into a variety of directions keeps me out of despondency.

Despondency is as much a bad habit as a mood. It's a chemical addiction in our brains. It encourages other addictive behaviors. It's self destructive and sheds to other people, rippling despondency throughout the universe. I'm not saying anyone is bad for being despondent. I'm also not saying snap out of it, because I know from experience that's really hard, if not impossible. In fact, people who've never experienced something to 'snap out of' should fear people actually snapping out of something, because snapping is snapping. Don't be snapping out of stuff and flipping like a crazy rubber band into an alt dimension, ok? Go gradual.


People are real bad to put off getting help until things become emergencies. I know people who put off going to doctors for little twingey stuff and then found out they were in stage defcon cancer and had a couple months to live. I know several people who put off talking to a counselor or even family and friends about depression until their private self destruction turned into emergency room crises. I know so many people who stay in the dark nursing grievances, wounds, hurts, worries, anger, and fears because they're paralyzed with despondency. warning signs

Years go by. Even ten years. I'm seeing some of the same people in the same dark places they were in when I met them. Nothing has changed, except that time has been lost, age has crept in, and the bitterness has deepened.

You know I've already been in those dark places, right? You know I can't go back in there and hold your hands and nurse you in your despondencies, right? Because if I go back in, we'll just go deeper till we die. There's no coming back out if I go in with you. That's how deep I was.

When I first went public with all my stuff about 8 years ago, it was a really big deal to be honest on the internet. Eight years doesn't seem like that long, but in that time I've seen remarkable progress in information sharing about some of the most taboo head stuff imaginable. It's becoming more and more ok all the time to talk about our stuff. When I first started, I stumbled around a lot, unsure, without direction, just needing to say my stuff to the internet because I couldn't say it to real people. I didn't need validation or consoling or attention, I needed to say it.  We all need to say our stuff.

There were people from my past who literally stalked everything I did back then, maybe afraid I'd be too honest or something, and I've noticed not a single one of them has ever done anything public of their own besides dabbling. Not picking on anyone, but back in the day I knew the IPs well (proxies make this much harder now), a handful hitting my Bluejacky blog so regularly for so long that I wondered if I should make contact and check on a few of them, because obviously something was bothering them, but decided in the end that would be unhealthy and they must find their own paths. I'm still not sure what being stalked like that means, but I do still think of them.

It's very scary to talk about our stuff. People punish or ridicule us when we share too much. They tell us to get a grip, get a life, get over it. They tell us we embarrass them. We even punish ourselves. It's like we're trained to hurt ourselves if other people don't. Or maybe we were the mean ones behind the masks and know a few people who would love to get some real dirt back on us, so we just never talk about our real stuff.

Some people think I'm very brave. Or just stupid. Doesn't matter. I'm dealing with my head my way. I don't care if people see it or not. It's easier not trying to hide it. It's easier not wearing a mask. It's easier learning to balance my head in such a way that I'm not dumping toxic waste or taking sides or being defensive. I'm not sure yet how to be more there for other people. I know I have truly appreciated those who've been there for me, so I'm practicing. I think we mostly just want to know we're not alone, so we lurk through the dark keeping our eyes on each other.

Anyway, if anyone feels neglected today and I'm kinda sucking as a friend, I've got this weird tooth sensation hogging my concerns, and my job is to not to let it get outa hand. Anyone who's been on a phone with me during an acute anxiety attack fully appreciates me stepping back and doing stuff like beating rugs half to death instead of pretending I'm ok on the internet. If I'm not ok for me, I'm probably not ok for you.

Yes, I just spent 4 hours playing on the internet while I wrote this post up. It kept me from annoying Scott before he left for work, it kept me focused on doing something, it kept me from thinking about myself, yet I'm still touching base in case particular family or friends feel the need to see what's up.

Now I need a PLAN. Yesterday went pretty awesome for being such a plan fail, all the laundry and dishes got done so at least I wasn't curled up in a ball. I like hiding in my bed. I have blackout curtains and I put my headphones on. I used to stay like that for hours, but over the years the anxiety has taken over and keeps booting me back into a standing position, so I haven't been able to properly pursue my dreams of lethargy and stagnation. Nowadays I make a Plan every day, usually just a few small scale priorities with Plan B options, and it's amazing how much a person can actually get done inching along the day doing little things here and there. Over a few years new habits are forged and become automatic, and then you look back at 5 years ago stunned at how ineffectual you used to be. No big overnight challenges, no conquering New Year's goals, just little stuff adding up. My whole life has changed dramatically a molecule at a time.

From one of my fave movies Death Becomes Her. You'd laugh if you knew how close I came to this one year, sans cats.

I just know I'm never going back into the dark. I can't face stagnation death.