Puddleglum

I'm silently coasting semi tilted and askew like a muted minecraft boat across a moonlit ocean, floating incoherently around my house looking at the clock every half hour. Up is down and now is never and all the salt has been poured out long ago. This is what an eon feels like to a photon between galaxies.

Thank goodness for crock pots. That alone saved this whole day.

I have nothing wise left to say and my head hurts and nothing helps. I know I did this to myself. Pain be damned, right? They said double the med, so I doubled it and conquered all the hard things like I had the right to colorful spandex, and now look at me, wilting around brainless, useless, motivationless. Sleepless.

I was asked several questions yesterday during 6 month follow up assessment, I answered truthfully, and I remain free to continue sans head meds. I didn't volunteer that I triggered hard the other day and had to all-stop, and I didn't share the concerns and disappointments in my head, because I know all this is just adjusting to chemicals changing again and will soon pass (again) (they always do, this is so familiar). I also didn't mention the sad, which is partly very real and not just lopsided chemicals.

Just keep making words. Keep walking past the ennui. Keep looking forward so I don't see the bumping around in the dark. Keep looking at a teeny distant flicker I hope isn't something I'm just making up in my mind. I mean, of course it is, I invented all of this, it's the only reason I'm out here. I created *this* so I could keep bobbing on a dark ocean under a moon on a monitor.

I'm still really pissed about what happened last week, and I'm glad I turned it into a big deal. All the same, who do I talk to about it? Myself?

Some are called Lightworkers. Some are named Illuminati. Some are Alliance, some are Cabal. Some save children, some pass children through the flames.

One of us is very cynical.

If someone does wrong and calls it right, it is not right. If someone does right and calls it wrong, it is not wrong. If someone hurts another person for gain of any kind and justifies it, that is not right. If someone saves others from damage and victimization, that is not wrong. Yet we keep getting these things mixed up. You cannot hurt others and be doing right no matter how loyal or faithful you may be to your belief or your cause. You cannot save others and be doing wrong no matter what anyone else says about whose side you are on.

It is occurring to me that the ones saying wake up and the ones putting us to sleep might be the same thing.

What is your own heart saying? What is your mind and soul saying? When something beautiful and inspiring carries a sinister taint, or when something ugly and vile glows with warmth, maybe it's time to just step back a bit and ask ourselves what we just got pulled into. And maybe, just maybe, right and wrong are being so tangled up that we can't think any more and it's just easier to think what we're told by those we trust to be saying what we hoped we wanted to hear. Or, actually, those who yank our chains just right.

My own mantra is if all else fails, nourish my body with clean water and healthy foods, rest from the fray, and stop my mind so peace can seep in and refresh me. I walk away.

Lamenting the world and torturing ourselves with strong emotions over injustices is a form of self inflicting. Thinking that we are doing the world a service with our enraged or inspired overthinking is a disservice to our own health. We cannot be good for others if we are not good for ourselves.

There are some we praise who get high on the suffering of others, and I'm not talking about politics. There are some who skate above the noise because they think they earned a Place, and we give them money to live comfortably, and I'm not talking about religion. Every single day millions of us spend millions of dollars on entertainment, on an industry touting right against wrong while doing wrong against right.

There are some others thrust into places who could potentially change the entire world, and they are so afraid someone will kill, maim, or mute them and their children that they remain silent. It's difficult to stand up and say something like 'me too' when decades of evidence backs up cowardice over bravery. It's one thing to stand up for 'right', it's another thing to use it as an agenda. Stuff like that.

Then there is me. "Puddleglum, with Plato, recognizes the difference between the world of shadows, and the world with the sun."

Sometimes I find someone like me.

This is the truth behind all other truths, beyond all rights and wrongs. At 4:30, enter the clearest presentation I've ever heard for every argument anyone has ever made about any *thing* on this earth. This is a guy who is so done with right is wrong and wrong is right that he actually took on exposing a government program knowing it could cost him his life. Not just his job. His life. Sometimes being disgusted enough to step up is the rightest thing a person can do on this planet. Sometimes the only way forward is to accept that there is no 'good' around you before you can see what truth is.




Parens patriae. We are all owned.

Knowing how invasive and abused this 'protection' is, being on the side of 'right' and 'good', how can you possibly believe any institution is 'right' and 'good'? All humans are human. All people strive under duress to meet agendas. Never assume everyone around you is free from pressure to toe a status quo or keep a secret or protect their own asses. Never assume a friend (coworker, churchgoer, family) won't stab you in the back out of weakness if their world turns black.

YOU decide what is right and what is truth. Do your own thinking, research what you can, put together what makes sense, and take control of your own mind, your own emotions, your own lives. If you know you are hurting people, make a plan to change that and stop hurting people. Don't take that to your graves with you. Don't justify it and pass the blame. Don't give someone else the power to hurt people by using you as their tool.

If you want to fix the world, fix yourself first. If you want to heal someone, heal yourself first. If you want to find the truth, find your truth first. History changes for other people's futures every time we decide to make a change in ourselves and act on it.

Funny how a headache goes away when I let the words out.

Do we own our own brains?

I guess March started off pretty good. I wasn't fast enough to catch whether it was a bot spam thing or a linkback, and no idea where it happened. I'm slacking off quite a bit this year on the stat stuff, but it's still nice to catch it once in awhile.

This despite sliding down a slippery depression slope, right. It cheered me up a bit. I could see myself actually repelling people for about a week there.

One of the interesting turns being taken in stats is the more dismal I become in general, the more I'm getting hit worldwide by people who start digging through the tags. I'm seeing a number of one-off trails, like an IP here and there making single hits through a variety of pages all bearing the same tag. Real readers.

We are important to each other. We are the real life other people can see happening behind the 'news' being broadcast and scripted across the webs. We are the ones living our days, the ones problem solving our ways through the scary messes we see in the news all around us. We need to be there for each other behind all that. Just keep living and talking and finding things to love and enjoy. No matter how dark it gets around me, there will always be something I will notice that I can think about, distract myself from fear and anxiety.

One thing I notice and talk about sometimes is now synchronized most of us are on social medias. We go through the same mood swings almost all at the same time, and if you look back through timestamps, you can see this really is a pattern. I know a lot of it is weather related, some of it is time of year related (the February slump after holidays and before the last school term surge is brutal), and definitely 'news' related if you watch too much chain yanking on broadcasts or in feeds.

I couldn't help noticing there was a single day a few days ago that several people I know plummeted into the depths and said very nearly identical phrases relating to depression and anxiety. Since I get around so much social media (super lurker) and hang out in real time on a game server with players from around the world, I am able to see all the little pings going off at the same time. I wish I had thought to screenshot through that entire day, it would have made for a very interesting study.

There is some controversy over 5G coming, and whether that will allow 'mind control'. Even when your tech is turned off, it still monitors and relays info. Your GPS signal, if there is location software in your tech, is always ON, unless you pull the battery out. Most tech nowadays have internal batteries to keep atomic time sync, but what else? Microwaves will blink like clocks when power goes out, but our phones and televisions and game consoles don't do that. When we pick them back up, they are already synced and ready to go.

And as I type this, my cursor is moving around of its own free will, which is very interesting considering I have remote share turned off. Hang on a sec.

Ok. You guys have no idea how often I reboot on any given day. And my phone, too. I started noticing around 2009 that I got particular attention from Langley in my stats if I used certain keywords, because only political opinion posts got those hits. I've toyed with visibility and search engines and stats for years and I see some interesting things. You'd think Oh, I'm just a little blogger, who would even care, right. Well, someone cares. It's gotten uber ridiculous with Pinky blog, and I had to train myself to just ignore it, although I have some outstanding screenshots of geolocations that would probably drop a few jaws. I'm not bragging at all saying that, and I think it would be unwise of me to share those screenshots on a public blog. All I can say is, some of those locations are top notch conspiracy level areas, and I can nail it down to where on the street or under a tree a few of these are because someone didn't have a clue how to use a proxy. At all. Like it was a brand new device straight out of a package and full location disclosure was pure green light. I don't know if that's on purpose or not, but yeah, I got the hint. One post in particular, yes. It unnerved me so badly I made that post private for awhile, and I just got hammered after that.

You know what? I don't care. If anything mysterious ever happens to me, that only proves I was right. That is all. If nothing happens, then nothing happens. I'm probably on a list, but I'm pretty sure a lot of us are.

Anyway, back to where I was going with this. There's been some concern about 5G.

• 5G networks will use the same frequencies as pain-inflicting crowd control weapons

And that's one of the nice articles. Here's one of the nastier ones.

• 5G Technology: A Health Crisis Waiting To Happen

Ok, stick with me for a second remembering a few things. On Ghost Hunters one of the first things they would do trying to debunk a haunting would be to check electrical fields with an EMF meter, right, because everyone knows an electrical field over a certain power level can mess with human emotional and physical states, causing anxiety and nausea and even worse. Imagine focusing an EM field very specifically. If you are carrying around tech that continually monitors your location and even measures and transmits your movements (Fitbit, lol), how easy would it be to use that field to affect your personal state of being? Some are concerned about suggestive programming, like this.

• Rewriting Life- How Network Neuroscience Is Creating a New Era of Mind Control
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• Mind Control with Electromagnetic Frequency
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• Mind control: New light technology can manipulate memories, emotions and thoughts
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• How a handful of tech companies control billions of minds every day

Lol, scared yet? I'm not trying to scare you, but if you aren't aware this is very real and has been going on awhile, you need to wake up a little.

Back to here and now. I'm watching anxiety and depression levels spike up and down across medias almost in a rhythm for awhile, and this latest one a few days ago was unreal because I noticed so many people said nearly identical phrases within 2-3 hours of each other across several medias in a variety of areas, and almost to the hour expressed later that they felt better. I noticed I went through the same sensations, as well, the palpable tension for awhile and then the relief later being a bit more noticeable than my usual mood swings. I don't want to immediately jump on the idea that seemed like an experimental test run of something, but I will say that was just weird.

If you are having a bad day and don't know what to do about it, it's always a good idea to touch base with someone to keep some balance. I myself heavily use tech to keep distant people around me through the day. However, I also think it might be a good idea to take short tech breaks. Do restarts and reboots. Walk away and go do a few chores here and there. Get a little distance and see if you feel better. Take some cleansing breaths while you stretch a little bit, tidy up a room, think about arranging the next meal, take care of a kid or a pet, stuff like that, and refresh your physical vitality. Hydrate while you're at it.

If you notice anxiety and/or depression cycles hit while you are holding or right next to tech, immediately put it down and move away from it. I'm not saying be afraid of it, I'm just saying control your moment. I always use tech every day, it's part of my life and probably always will be. I've been making jokes about being in line for the brain chip for years. However, unless you have something like a parent on hospice or some other reason to keep a phone on, turn it off while you sleep. Log off your computer at least once a day, especially if you're away from the house or sleeping. Just turn it off.

Your body has a natural electrical biorhythm that needs its own default cycle to be healthy. Every day we interrupt our biorhythms with electrical fields. We get used to low grade function and not moving around a whole lot, but over time our bodies and minds degrade. We are aging faster. We live in physical bodies on this world, and they are made to keep moving around.

Brains have their own natural EM fields.

• Electromagnetic theories of consciousness
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• Human electricity and the human electro magnetic field

Keeping your brain immersed in a disruptive EM field can make you feel things you normally wouldn't be feeling otherwise.

• 10 Things an Electromagnetic Field Can Do to Your Brain
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• Magnetism and the Brain- "Magnetism Can Alter Our Ethical Position"
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• Could certain frequencies of electromagnetic waves or radiation interfere with brain function?

I think the scariest part of all of this is the idea that tech giants worth billions can influence how we use our brains en masse, and possibly even directly impact our activities. When I see so many people I care about across such a wide amount of distance hovering over their tech saying nearly identical phrases at nearly the same time, what am I supposed to think?

human thought congealing onto physical items

click for cool photography

Finally had to throw a pair of my fave jeans away. Pretty sure I've had them at least 8 years, and they're irreplaceable since they stopped making that kind. I used to do extensive online searches, they're just gone. Oh, well. I'll never forget them. But I got another pair of jeans on $5 clearance yesterday just because it's an out of season color, so I'm all good. Shazam.

There's a worldwide convo going on again lately about shadowbanning. A lot of people don't realize this isn't new. They're getting so good at it that we're allowed to use it ourselves now. We can unfollow without unfriending, we can mute without a notification going out about it. We can keep our followers without losing them even though we don't want to see what they say. So we ourselves also shadowban our own friends and families.

So we get to use medias created and hosted by corporations that allow us to use their services for free. If it involves communication, we get some level of free use with certain agreements. We are allowed to communicate with one another. No one questions this, in fact, many think it's their right to use this free service. We have been lead to believe we have the right to use communication services free of charge.

Everything from there is a matter of definition, and pretty much a joke. We hand our words and thoughts over to free hosting services and expect them to 'play fair' and 'be legal' and whatever. Then when those free services start making our usage a little more difficult, we protest. We have to right to use others' properties in the way we see fit. Right?

Someone is making money on you wanting to communicate with their 'free' communication service. How they make that money gets hotly debated over all around the world. How we keep allowing them to use us as part of their branding products to make that money blows my mind. But it's what we've got, and yes, I use devices and platforms myself.

So we're on the brink of the types of communication we're allowed to have being redefined, and a lot of how they'll control it is through shadowbanning. Is that unfair?

I'm not arguing for companies to be able to abuse customers who don't yet realize they are literally part of the product. I'm not saying we should be ok with communication being cut off behind our backs without our knowing it. I'm especially not saying it's ok for our communication to be hacked and monitored, but when all boils down, I'm glad they can be legally ordered to share that in, say, missing persons cases and stuff. Which pretty much means they legally do have to monitor...

I shared a post yesterday about U.S. citizens being able to legally mail children through the postal service for a short time in our past. Can you imagine? But, think about it, snail mail is currently the only private communication you can have with anyone across a distance. Well, I don't know about around the entire world, but you know what I mean. The world just doesn't have the man power to open every envelope, you know? Yet they can easily monitor every word you say on a phone nowadays.

Perhaps it's time to relearn the finer arts of snailing our thoughts around again. Maybe it's time to get back to actually paying for our own communication with a book of stamps. All this free stuff is corrupting us, blinding us to what we believe is our right when we're all being herded into communication corrals and locked up with shadowbanning.

I guess a lot of you don't even remember not having email. You can't imagine living without instant communication. You don't know that it's possible to get the most important things said so privately that no one ever knows but you. Imagine having a machine to type on and there being no record of anything you ever type to come back and bite you. No hard drive, no other owner, no big brother.

Pencils and paper are important. If you are ever stuck in a blackout, on a stalled highway, or somewhere else with tech fail going down all around you, YOU CAN STILL COMMUNICATE. I fondly think of it as someone reading my mind through time.

Spiral notebooks are like security blankets. When all else fails, keep a notebook with you in the car, in your purse or a bag, just keep one around everywhere you go, and you will always be able to communicate. Why am I saying this? Well, I can imagine a scenario where all our phones go dead, where the grid goes down, where we literally cannot access social medias to see what is going on, cannot get a call through to anyone about what is going on, and what we'll be left with is writing down what is going on.

Don't be a slave and think you are helpless when it all goes down. Be ready to own your future. And I'll tell you right now I'm not going to harass you one bit about grammar and spelling and penmanship as long as you can get ideas across. The most important idea in the world could be written in pictographs, and I would be fine with that. Throw in a few maps and depictions of what's going on, write out what's happening, share your feelings, make paper airplanes, be human.

And if nothing bad ever happens, think about keeping some paper and pencils around anyway. They practically keep forever.

I'm actually boring myself

About a week or so ago, Google changed the way you can access images in search. For years I've been able to get to cached image storage after websites went private or even deleted. That button is gone now. Sourcing images back to original original source technically no longer exists. This might seem irrelevant to some, but it's actually huge in a world of restricting access. It's not that big of a deal for me, since I mostly play with memes (and I try to give credit with link backs whenever possible), but for some people this means no longer being able to source original news photos that have gone viral. Something to think about.

Youtube opinion accounts are being shut down this last week, whether they are monetized or not, and at least one person has been interviewed by a major television news network citing the algorithm fallout already affecting his real life business so badly that he lost it. That was fast. Was I the only one to notice how fast that was? Anyway, the U.S. is being virtually cut off from search fields across medias, not out of malice, but out of opportunity. Hands are being tied as the FCC and internet regulations are allowing much bigger hands to insist on removing what gets in their ways. Facebook has been restricting feeds and posting capabilities for a couple of months, judging by the complaints I've seen, twitter went on a bot purge cleaning house (I wonder why they only picked Russian bots, because I'm really tired of purging the spam and porn and automated vitriol from the rest of the world, as well), and as accounts shift to new hosts hoping to survive, the web is shifting like a ship on a scary ocean. Well, at least for Americans. Funny thing is, I don't think most people are noticing. Unless you are following live news broadcasts and live feeds and noticing some things are literally being scrubbed back off the internet within the hour, you really have no idea. I've been on the webs since 1994 and have never seen anything like it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That was last night. This is today.


I think I'm getting my life back. I coughed myself into a what feels like a neck sprain through all that flu and cold virus stuff back to back, and I made an appointment for next week to talk to someone about checking on possible herniated incision since it's still so soon after gallbladder removal (a little over 3 months, but 18-24 months for complete healing and incisions always remain weak spots), but that's what coughing does, right, it wrecks you up and makes you miserable and then it's such a relief when it's over. Hopefully it's just an acute fibro of the abdomen flare, and that's actually a real thing and sucks a bit.

• From Fibromyalgia and You- "It is a systemic disease that mainly affects the muscles, their attachments (tendons, ligaments) and coverings (fascia). Fibromyalgia may be considered as soft tissue rheumatism. Fibromyalgia may also affect many other parts of the body, including the stomach, bowels and female organs."

I am noticing, though, that even having only 2 contacts with anyone for any kind of hands on physical therapy since before Christmas, my pain levels are significantly lower and much more tolerable (a really nice side effect is my general anxiety being at an all time low), and I really think that's because removing the diseased/infected gallbladder was such a relief to my entire body that many systems are going back to a normal I wasn't aware could exist. Just living with that amount of localized inflammation must've taxed my poor body 24 hours a day for months and months, and now just having that gone is making a whole lot of difference how the rest of my challenges are able to be internally addressed. Even when I should probably think I'm feeling kind of miserable, I feel so much better than I used to. I still can't believe I breezed through the actual influenza B. Really hope the A misses me. There are people around the area who've tested positive for both at the same time, plus we had at least 2 separate cold/crud viruses circulating, as well. Got pretty crazy.

I feel like this is my most boring post ever, so I may as well share that my house is a wreck and I don't care because I finally got to sit and watch TV, and it felt gooooood. I almost never see much TV any more. I thought they did a nice episode with Carl, although it felt like Negan should've been interrupting them any second, so I was way more jumpy and anxious than I usually am watching Walking Dead. And then tonight I sat through Revenge of the Sith on TV even though I own it, and used the commercial breaks to get supper put away and coffee ready for tomorrow and my pajamas on and stuff like that. Bunny and her mama have been feeling so much better enough to run around with friends again, so it's been a bit blissful just being able to sit around and let my mind go blank.

Ok, now I'm super blank, so I'm going to bed.

fun with social organization and predictive programming

I like crossing lines. I've been treading taboo since I was a kid. I questioned God and faith so hard that my mom was terrified I'd be lost to hell. I still poke my dad so much that I get the feeling sometimes he is convinced I can't possibly be saved and that's obviously too bad, but it's his obligation to keep telling me all the stuff anyway even though he believes in predestination and that souls are born into this world already either belonging to God or rejected by him. I grew up with people who were so convinced that ideas in my head were going to cause my eternal damnation that they could barely find ways to accept me as a personal loved one. There were so many prejudices in the way that I never believed either one of my parents loved me for nearly my whole life. I never felt forgiven and loved anyway, which is a simple life truth I managed to sift out and apply to my own life and children because it's logical. It's not logical to throw your own offspring under the bus. That is fear, pure and simple.

I've brought up before that being naturally autistic enables me to enjoy thinking through conflicting ideas without being bothered by them. I can easily carry opposing belief systems around with me through my mundane days, because it amuses me to take them apart and reassemble them. I love asking more and more questions until every shred of institutionalization is torn apart, and then rebuilding so that I understand the purposes, the goals, the reasons it works.

I was born to think like this. It comes easily to me. I don't fuss much over who is right or wrong because all have some right, and all certainly have some wrong. One example might be Christians missing the forgiveness boat. I actually know people who have estranged themselves from offspring because of ideas, nothing else, to the point where their own children literally dying of emotional neglect or abandonment via drug and alcohol abuse doesn't seem to phase them. Bad seeds and all that. I find it shocking that a parent wouldn't go to any length to try to save a child at any age, but that exists all around me, and I find it contrary to nature. Or, I find it reprehensible, the same way a human might feel about a cat or dog gorging on their first litter, which is a real thing sometimes. If a sheep won't let a lamb suckle, that is so terrible, but if a human pushes a child away because saving a tree takes precedence, that is noble.

So I pull these things apart like puzzles, and up until the last few years thought I was completely alone doing this. Thanks to youtube, there's been an explosion of thought sharing, and I'm loving all the ways other people also take everything they know apart trying to figure out what is real, what is important, and what matters.

That's the thing right there. I don't believe any of that matters. Did Elon Musk fake the car in space? I love space. I love science. I love that there is a car floating around out there. I also love that there's a huge debacle boiling over on youtube about flat earth, science as a religion being institutionalized to brain train us into robots, and whether or not anything we think we know is real at all.

So let's step out for a second. Step out of this universe and look at it. We live IN it, or we think we do, or whatever, right? And we all have thoughts about our experiences. I have boiled it down to yes, we are in a situation where night and day exist, growing cycles have a regular rhythms, polluting is a bit of a nasty problem, and food is pretty scarce in some places. Other than that, there's not one shred of it that we can prove at all. People are born here, and then we die. Everything dies. Everything. We fuss about that part, and we use that part to make the rest meaningful or not in relation to that, but even that doesn't matter.

What are you doing right now? Did you make someone cry today? Did you make someone feel crummy or sad or miserable? Did YOU cause that? ~That's what matters.~

We can argue all we want about end time prophecy, faith vs works, who God really is, who and what is right and wrong, and none of that changes anything about your day except how you allow it to control your behavior. When you allow a belief system to control you so much that you'll throw emotional rocks at your loved ones, or let them agonize in emotional starvation ignoring them, then that belief system throws what really matters in the trash can.

Humans matter. People matter. YOU MATTER. Your family matters.

How do we know what really matters? I thought long and hard about this. At the end of our lives, and this has been studied and documented for decades, people extremely rarely care at all about whether their religion was right, or whether they were right. What they care about is being lonely, and they wonder why someone doesn't come to check on them, or they wish they'd said something to someone and now it's too late and that opportunity is gone forever. Some people die with broken hearts because their relationships are a mess, or they are alone, or they don't know how to fix what they broke.

One exception to this is mental illness. Some of you might have grown up with abusive adults that seemed to feel no remorse right up to the point of death. The hurt, pain, anger, and sadness you might feel about that is your reminder that THAT is what matters. You didn't feel loved correctly, you didn't feel forgiven for being in their lives, you didn't feel safe, and while you might use a belief system to console yourselves, that isn't what matters. What matters is that broken feeling, and that is a very good indicator for your belief system not fixing anything important. What is important? Forgiveness. Closure. Saying those last words. Not getting there in time. Missing that moment. Being there in that final moment.

I've been sharing a few youtubes off and on lately both on Pinky blog and on facebook that question the realities we think we are in. Some of you are familiar with truthers and survivalists and whatever. I have never cared. I'm being very serious saying that. I have never cared whether our government destroying our own people and places is real or not because governments have been doing that time out of mind. I have studied philosophies and governments and religions around the world, and the one thing they all have in common is how do we control the people. How do we manage our economies, change the structures, fix the problems, use solutions the people don't like? How do we normalize what we fear, reset what the norms are, swivel the point of view until compliance is met? It's very difficult to manage a large number of people when it comes to travel and economy and health care and supplies. People have a way of thinking for themselves, solving all their own little problems, and without central (mainstream) control mechanisms, that actually gets a little chaotic. So governments criminalize things and use laws as fences. They oversee economies (our milk prices have been fixed for a very long time) and move people around (military families) and subsidize stuff like school loans (think tank training). If you for one second think that a mass of people arguing nonstop among themselves can actually sway real change in government when the people behind the curtains with billions of dollars are the ones pulling the real strings, and then you go and make your own families miserable over something stupid because politics is so important, maybe you're the one getting played. Something to think about.

Sherlock fans might remember this quote. Guys, this is me. When Sherlock first said this, everyone blew it off as his eccentricity, but if you follow the entire series, you see exactly what really truly matters.


Anyway, the reason I started writing this out was because of the flat earth thing. I am a truly hardcore space fan, I always have been. I dig the escapism of space 'out there'. I love that space is used in stories as a way to deal with stuff we can't civilly discuss if it were on earth. Babylon 5, Farscape, Lexx. The entire Stargate franchise. But I couldn't help noticing for years that space stories are ultimately so handy for changing perspectives across large numbers of people. Entertainment breaks through where political diplomacy fails. And of course, I've brought up that Marvel has caught on, etc. Some of you know this fascinates me. So for awhile, science fiction was used in an either/or way. Either aliens were coming to kill us, or they were coming to save us. Either we die of mass plagues, or we solve all the problems and save the earth and possibly even the galaxy. The overarching ideas that kept being introduced for years were about problem solving very particular ideas that corresponded to our own lives. Sci-fi is notorious for dealing with race and gender issues, and for bringing governments and their militaries into the story telling. Refugees are common plot devices. Throw in a little time travel, a variety of off world species intermingling, and a noble calling, and bing, you have a fight for the right and we're all falling into step adopting it into our homes via collectibles, clothing, and decor. A really cool government is one that solves ALL the problems so that we can be one big happy world of people running off to find other exciting life across the universe.


Can you imagine how dull television would be without any of that? Space has lent so much to economic exchange and growth, not to mention new beliefs and belief systems springing up, that a world without all that would seem pretty empty. It's almost unbearable to contemplate. But now there is a new suspicion rising up, a terrible and bitter disappointment that all of this space stuff was made up just to hoodwink us all, and it has truly worked brilliantly. Until now. And now that the secrets are coming out and reality isn't what we thought it was and truthers are destroying our illusions, it's getting even harder to figure out who is really telling the truth. Like, for instance, Q-Anon. Is he alliance or cabal? Anyone really familiar with Illuminati would instantly recognize the method and the really subtle way truth is used to make other truth false, and people falling for it left and right. But is that person really sincere? Is he for real? Because if he is, then we must ask if he's just another one of their brainwashed puppets, right? The vid description in this recent reveal is noteworthy, click over to youtube to see it.


I'm all for investigating who in the world set up these belief systems in the first place. I grew up in a legalistic church that debated every jot and tittle down to the nuance on basically nothing more than the vaguest of actual historical studies, and from what I could see, Jesus questioning the priests in the temple as a boy was the picture of what was wrong with belief systems in the first place. I don't care for the debates over specifics, the point was that whoever Jesus was, he sure timed it well (Masons and Moors were already around, as were Buddhists), and his presence alone seems to have overturned the entire world in one way or another. But as was pointed out in that last vid, who exactly got hold of that religion in its infancy and grabbed world control is actually a really sinister story, and it really does continue to this day. Some of you have seen how I've struggled with my dad's POV, like he gets stuck in a loop counter after certain triggers.

Part of the problem is the argument coming out of nearly any mouth out there that we've been lied to. Well, duh, of course we've been lied to. Our entire lives are lies, can we please just move past that, thank you. Anyone can study history and see what the truth is, and that truth is that the idea of World Order goes so far back in human history that it's almost ludicrous. This is where people fall for it being an alien agenda, because what else could it be? Humans die so fast, why would they care? So there are elaborate stories woven around the richest bloodlines in the world being part alien DNA. Personally, I don't care whether that is true or not. If space aliens came to this earth to whatever their agenda is, then they've been among us time out of mind and nothing can change that. But if this was concocted to control the masses, like worship your gods and pay tribute, and oh by the way, we have sovereign ownership over you so you must be in our militaries, etc, then that was brilliant, right? Slow clap for that one. But then wake up and go Ohhhh, they're still doing it... We are still owned. I've been saying this for years. We have always been owned. You were born into citizenship. You aren't allowed to decide that. How many people around the world have defected and sought refuge from their governments? This next vid was oddly cute until around 5:30 in. Kinda got my stomach. (Predictive programming is kind of a sport with enthusiastic hobby spotters.)


So let's be smart about this. We may not ever know what truth really is on this earth. We can spit and argue all we want, but absolutely none of it is proven one way or another without your presence there verifying it. I personally favor logic and space. However, I also believe (my belief system) that people are more important than the ideas that come between us. I figured that one out in my childhood. My mom and my dad argued bible incessantly. Nevermind that they agreed on 95% of it, that other 5% was enough for my mom to suffer so much over my dad going to hell, according to everyone in her belief system, that it embittered her and sent her spiraling through a massive depression and finally to her lingering death. My dad was just as bad. Despite his once saved always saved rhetoric, he HAD to try to force her to agree with him decade after decade until the only way they could reconcile at all was through her strokes and memory loss, and even then it was very difficult being the children watching that ship go down. Their belief systems were more important than the way they treated each other. Their belief systems were more important than forgiveness and getting along. Their belief systems, so nearly alike, were so tortuous that I can't even imagine how I'd have survived my mother's death without dad going to the nursing home nearly every day for five years to sit with her at lunch. That devotion and her inability to call out much beyond his name when she was afraid of something became iconic to everyone around them. THAT was what their entire marriage should have been like.

How socially organized is your thought process? Do you feel compelled to defend a belief system? Like I said, I like the whole space thing, but I wouldn't be condescending to anyone over not believing it's real. Whether it's real or not is less important than how I treat someone. Hard lesson learned, thanks, Mom and Dad.

I need some more #bencongruity.

Club 2018

Those of you NOT coming in on mobile might be noticing little format tweaks. I've decided I'm in a frickin' good mood this year and I'm done with the getting dragged down stuff. Even when I do my best to shunt it off my main feeds, so many of you are DETERMINED to be a drag that I just stopped even checking half the time. I've had notifications turned off nearly forever now, but just popping on once a day to sparkle a little joy is such a dismal undertaking that I'm not sure how the world even keeps turning. Oh yeah, the real world isn't social media, lol.

I'm barely catching glimpses of the winter olympics, kind of checking on what the gang is watching every night on TV, stuff like that. I miss everyone, but one of the weird side effects of my life getting jerked sideways last year is getting emotionally healthier, so there you go, that's a real thing, social media triggers depressions galore, blahblah. Watched another popular account go ballistic last week being overly tagged in a super massive convo gang on an endless spawn of threads, and I guess it just doesn't occur to some of you to turn notifications off. There is no other answer for that. Some of you saw me writhe in facepalm and fail agony through that, and I'm here to tell you there is so much freedom in silencing the tags.

Anyway, I intend to do a bit more tweaking little by little, since I live here and I feel like remodeling, so if you're coming in sporadically on mobile, Club 2018 is my new thing.

In the meantime, since some of you are bored and the weird stuff gets more attention, here is your next homework assignment.

• Illuminati Symbols In Books, Film and Art- Weird to see how saturated our culture has been.
• Some of you might recall I dreamed about the Eye when I was a child.
• The evolution of the CBS Eye
• "In the Eye's original animated incarnation, its center was a camera iris that opened and shut, and the first still version set the Eye against a background of clouds." -The CBS Eye turns 60
• And now there are cameras everywhere, watching us.
• Who Owns What on Television? Cute graphic...

Maybe it's time to decide what we really want in our lives. Personally, I want a few beautiful days that feel gentle on my soul, and I've been learning the hard way for years that money doesn't buy that, that no one can hand that to me, and that ultimately I'm the one who must find it, create it, and then actually enjoy it. Maybe the hate spew we keep feeling channeled toward is psychological warfare being spun over us by billionaires with agendas. Maybe the depression they create and feed us keeps us all medicated or drinking, both of which keep them rich. Maybe the entertainment lulls us into lives of passivity that go nowhere and we try to feel better buying things. I just know that the longer I'm away from being 'plugged in', the better I feel.

if the Flash was a hamster

via GIPHY
I cut my coffee in half this week and swore not to let myself head for anything chocolate to replace it. That is my brainmelt.

So I yapped in posts this week about my phone getting interested in me being twitter flagged, note the tags

and I kid you not, out of the blue for the first time ever I get these emails after my blog traffic ~tripled~.

My personal portfolio seems to be everyone else's business.

WE INTERRUPT THIS POST TO LIVE BLOG A DEVIL HAMSTER ESCAPE.

Pro tip: Never buy a cheap starter kit cage, kids.

Discovered under the fridge around 4 a.m. and lured out later with food, only to disappear again.

After several hours it became an urgent situation, having taken up new residence inside the fan while the fridge wasn't running.


Before it was all over, not only was my fridge taken apart in the middle of my kitchen, but we were pile driving through furniture. I'm good with it. Today was a day of super deep cleaning. Pinky totally approves.

Don't worry, he's safely back in his cage with a towel over it.

WE RETURN YOU TO OUR REGULARLY HAPHAZARDLY SCHEDULED POST.

On the side, I'm hoping I didn't pick up some kind of germ. I have felt awful most of the day, and I'm hoping it's nothing more than a sinus infection.

Time's flying, so don't forget about the blue moon lunar eclipse.

caught with my claim flags down- *permed*

My braindeadedness today feels like deep fried calamari and side of coleslaw. I am choosing not to go full aspienado hard shutdown because I'm actually the least likely person to make the noise level worse. One is asleep because overnight job, another is staring at football, I am utterly drained of manna, and a 4 year old is prattling nonstop and remodeling my kitchen into a 'house' of 'pets' defined with an afghan spread on the floor as the rug, various containers and toys posing as pets in their beds, and at the moment the mailman is running around the house announcing "mail! mail!" and handing out quarters. I got 2 quarters, representing the most mail. I bet they're bills. I'm not inclined to check. I was up 19 hours (that's nearly 24) before my 5 hours of sleep last night, and I can't handle bills right now. I'm just thrilled that she's in a good mood and entertaining herself.

Irony is when twitter sends you a long email yesterday letting you know your account qualifies as an item in the U.S. Presidency-Russian scandal investigation and sending a happy little tweet today about it being your 5th anniversary on twitter. It's actually been longer, but I closed a couple other accounts further back. I think I go back to at least 2008 on twitter, technically.

Couple of quotes from that email include, oh what the heck, here's the whole thing. Notice it's from their legal department.

In which my freedom of speech violation is hinted at.

In which it is suggested that I am part of these malicious accounts.

In which I'm let known that people don't come to twitter to see ME.

I addressed this issue publicly over the weekend. This next shot clicks to twitter source, which in turn clicks to the post I wrote.

I handled that while I was vigorously multitasking- cooking breakfast for several people, handling chat help on an international game server, looking after a 4 year old, and getting ready to race out the door to an event.

I made friends with the wrong people. They are Russians. Twitter unites us around the world, and I've been friends with a number of people in a TV show fandom (international production) since 2005. We have a history that goes back across forums full of dates and timestamps. I am very publicly documented in google search in this fandom.

And now I am apparently a possible enemy of the state. Because I am friends with people on the other side of the ocean over a 20 year old TV show. Because I used a public international social media host to be friends with them. Because, of course, every American must now be investigated in this ridiculous scandal conspiracy if they are friends with Russians.

I don't know if other fandom representatives (I'm not official, but very obvious thanks to a lot of web presence) got emails like this. A lot of us on twitter are friends with worldwide fans of all kinds of TV shows. Stargate is a great example.

Heads up, America. It has begun, whatever 'it' is. The Big Brother thing that people have been freaked out over for decades. I really hope social media isn't about to flip into something very ugly.

#transparency- I didn't vote for any of the leading candidates. I voted for someone who had already withdrawn from the presidential race. I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone who is currently in office, and I am neither for nor against any of them. They run the country, I don't, and it's all the same to me.

I have legally documented multiple disabilities. I choose to stay busy with a fandom and a game server. Both are international. I have friends all over the world. I have been visited by well over 150 countries on my blogs since 2004. This has never been a problem before. I wonder why it's a problem now.

Facebook, Google, Twitter: How tech giants are involved in the Russia investigation

News about #russiagate on Twitter

Do social media threaten democracy?

This following is months old. I wonder how big that number is now. I mean, I've recently been included, so... who knows.

Twitter finds hundreds of accounts tied to Russian operatives

Going back to an old favorite.

when fools don't fly

Warning- aspienado obsession post. Fly, you fools!

Someone in France is lately interested in my back to conspiracy school and gloriously idiotic posts from last summer. Other than meaning absolutely nothing (coughcough), I have no idea why anyone would even care. Except that 2/3 of my top traffic over the last 30 days is still coming from France.

(I'm not talking about Benedict or Lexx fans. I can see you, too. Hi.) I can see the (likely abandoned) blog the pings pretend not to come from, so I know they're 'fake', except that the pings are manually tweaked every few days, which I've gotten used to and hardly care about any more. One tracker sees the ping part, the other tracker see the actual incoming just before the pings get tweaked again. Someone stays in some fancy places making money off code ripping. I don't want to just blow off other countries like this site suggests since I have real people using search engines showing up and then actually using tags (and I'm able to compare all the stuff I see to fandom blogging, where the readership is worldwide), but again, this has been ridiculously overdone on little ol' Pinky blog. The target pings have been a bit too specific to just blow off.

Do I care? Why would I care? Should I care? I've known all this stuff that I write in my posts for a very long time, a lot of info (aka conspiracy) has gone public now, pretty sure the world has been dredged like a fine flour in brain training going out of control long before media moguls got a good grip on it, and I'm also pretty sure that 'programming' continues through entertainment and 'free' sources through social medias, like youtube accounts going viral. Get a mental picture fixed in several million minds, set the rumor mill in motion, plant seeds and watch them sprout across vast mind fields around the globe. Why are weirdly specific hits still coming in on a really old post that says No, I'm not telling you last night's dream. But it was very weird. It was like the world was becoming synchronized and everyone was being channeled into their favorite drugs and religions and then grouped up for strange mental exercises that broke down their safety barriers (killed the red flags and warning whistles going off in their heads) until everyone was happily wasted and cooperating like drones doing things they'd have resisted doing otherwise.

This has been going on since civilization began, so who even cares?

The ones who want to win care. I want to be on the winner's side. I want to slide into victory and not be culled. Call me shameless, but I've been alluding to that throughout this entire blog.

I've never named who I think or hope the victor might be. I probably wasn't the first to point out that one of the world stage players actually branded themselves into a unique lifestyle that anyone can now voluntarily contract into in exchange for services, although I never saw anyone else say it. That single post on 11-12-16 was what started all this mess on my blog, and that one experimental word (logo) has kept my stats off the hook ever since, to the point of making that post private for awhile trying to make it stop. (I'm neither monetized nor professionally published at this point). My only tags on that post were 'blogging' and 'stats' and I didn't try pushing the link anywhere. I wrote that this bunch was branding months before their official website ever went live, before the rest of the world seemed to even think of that as far as I could tell, and now we have this announcement.


For naysayers, there are a lot of people making really big money behind all kinds of curtains in entertainment, and if someone spams me 94 times on specific blog posts from another country about it, yeah, kinda gets my attention. I'm not alone. And this isn't a singular incident by far.


The fastest way to agenda transparency is to fictionalize it.


Now pay attention to this.


And now we're live tweeting in big groups, sometimes people over the entire world all at the same time. Our emotions spike and plunge for an hour together like an exhausting roller coaster, and while it's brilliant fun and I love how witty some of the viewers can be, it's very telling how easily people are massed controlled.


Um, ok, who volunteers for that kind of testing...

The people who invented margarine wouldn't allow their families to eat it, either. They said stick to butter. Didn't mean to pun that.

Hard veer grinding our gears, what do you guys think about V2K and our phone apps letting us know they'll need permission to access anything at any time? It's smoothly covered by actually interacting, like people asking their phones for info, but I've seen my phone pop on to 'listening' several times over the last month and had to be manually shut back off. This phone is over 2 years old and that never happened before this last month. I've never used that particular app on purpose, but apparently it can randomly just come on now all by itself without me even being near my phone. This stuff is not new. Why now?

Those of you who still go nah, that's just fiction really need to wake up. Weapons based on radio waves - electromagnetic weapons Or don't wake up, I don't care. I'm not saying live in fear or anything, because we've already been immersed in this stuff for years and most of you never knew it anyway, but you need to understand that transparency through fiction means you've already been told. Why make up such extravagant fiction? Why tell the same kinds of stories over and over and over in so many fiction shows and books and comics? Why is it so important to establish that governments have secret agents who may or may not be hunted or celebrities on the side or disappearing or fighting for their lives? Why is this such a huge thing that takes up so much of our entertainment programming?

What is voice to skull? - Click that. It's real.

Let's gear grind again.

I wrote this 3 years ago this month- bioelectricity- evidence that we are someone else's Sims, and this a little over 2 years ago- what if we're all social plug-ins We humans and all kinds of other life on this planet are extremely susceptible to electromagnetic change of any kind, even if it's just on a cellular level and we are not consciously aware of it. Elon Musk went viral about our world possibly being a simulation last year. Odds are we're living in a simulation, says Elon Musk While people freaked out about that, I was wondering how in the world he was so late to the game even saying it? Why didn't he speak up sooner? Because that was already old stuff.

Basically, the info is out there, and it's still very easily accessible for now. Internet regulations are recently changing, other stuff I've pointed out in past posts have changed while we were having holiday, all it would take is a dirty nuke from North Korea to take down the grid and our instant access to information, and who knows if youtube will become super tied down with more stringent policing regulation going forward. There's no excuse not to be knowing this stuff. Y'all can act all surprised, indignant, enraged, and terrified all you want when the shoes start dropping and things change more than you expected, but it's all out there.

I could slide through a whole other thing about the orchestration of internet addiction disorder (former Facebook CEOs have apologized in interviews posted on youtube, stating they knew what they were doing getting user psychologically dependent on the feedback loops), but I need to let it go for now.

Back to the moment.

little green dots

Changing my wallpapers. That one above clicks out if you like it.

If anyone is really playing attention, vs just freaking out on twitter and facebook, it looks like martial law was finally put into writing just before Christmas, and there are all kinds of interpretations going on about what's going to happen next. Well, we are preparing to go to big war again (per people we know being called back into training), and I've been saying for years we'll eventually be living in a nationalized police state. Those of you who watch scifi have seen how this works in shows like Continuum, so it's not a new idea at all, and even part of our entertainment. I've been saying for years that TV prepares our minds for change by slipping in ideas over and over, and scifi is a major vehicle for that. Stuff doesn't happen overnight and most people's lives won't really change that much (just like all the other incremental changes we've gone through over the decades that we've already forgotten about), and life will go on. How we want to continue is up to us. I personally don't want to be a big drag, so I try to stay focused on my own microcosm, which includes my physical and mental health. How can I be good for people? That is a question I ask every day, and every day I find a way to be good for someone. I may not be able to control the big scary stuff, but I can certainly paint the smaller stuff around me any color I want.

There are no good guys up there in the scary stuff. The only 'sides' involve millennia-long bloodlines that control the world moneys and the people they front as governments. We are already living everyday lives underneath a broiling civil war above us, and you can guess at what's going on all you want but you'll never see the answers until you understand the biggest picture. Having answers won't change a single thing in your life. Obsessing and worrying and ranting will only bring people down all around you and make you more depressed. You are a 'prole', you always have been, and you always will be, even if you think you are white collar in an upper crust job. You will always be one of the cattle beneath the biggest picture. You mean nothing more than that, so you may as well calm down and create your own meaning.

I've gone through my own evolution over the years. I've come back from soul-draining illness, I've wrestled the blackest depressions and floated around in gurgly bubbly euphoria, I've been through brain crash and world crash and server crash and life crash and very real nasty car crash. I've lurked through the depths of despair on the webs, watching people like me finding ways to survive. And we all want more. Who am I ? What do I want? World of Spin

2016 was hard. I slipped backward into more depression and lost my focus and my discipline and 2017 started off with uber pain and I spent 6 months going through med fails, and finally wound up in an unrelated surgery last month. Through most of 2017, my life has been upside down helping other other people adjust to life crash/change, and there is nothing like everything in your world being fail and upside down to sift out what you really WANT when things start calming back down a little.

I want my focus back. I've got my discipline, big time. I grew wealthy on a game server through constant internet glitch, and that was a focus distraction through depression from real life that I was accidentally thriving through just running to keep up with daily chore grind in all my pain, and I come to the close of the year with not just a will of steel, but a diamond tipped edge on discipline. I look around me and see a jumble of junk because that's what life is like with a 4 year old, but I look inside of me and see everything in order, all my junk sorted and organized and ready for action because I've been so focused on surviving real life daily/weekly crisis management through real life pain management, and I'm getting goooooood.

Now, to turn all that back around and apply it to my original focus out here. I am equipped like I never was before, bulked up in metaphorical armor and weaponized with god enchants like infinity power punch flame smite knockback looting efficiency fortune feather-falling depth-strider projectile-protection blast thorns. I'm so good in game that I'm like lemme finish chopping this tree first while mobs bite and sting me from all sides, then casually turn around and pop them all into little green dots that roll up into my experience and level me up some more.

If we could see that happening in real life, all the crap and junk would feel more fun, wouldn't it? We'd be able to see our advancements and achievements even if everything was feeling junked up and stupid. We'd be able to show other people our metaphorical coolness and say Hey, wanna band up and go conquer? I need a badass adventure for a cool power boost.

And that's what life is. On our dumbest days we can't see that we are having badass adventures. We are conquering the toughest demons and leveling up all kinds of little dots we can't see while we wade through stupidity and sad. We feel alone while other people all around us are doing the exact same thing.

We're not alone. And we are badass because we're still here.

2018, here I come. Throw snakes and spiders at me and I'll give a hearty laugh. Show me an impossible mountain and I'll say Hang on, lemme get my gear. Glitch my flying pet out of existence in mid air and I'll go find another one and level it up. You can't stop me.

I'll find my way

I'm inserting random pix off my photobucket for no reason at all.

July 2007
Scott has no fear

So my internet is slower than a slug in an ice storm right now. I can't pull up a game server or youtube or facebook or anything on search, and not even blogger. So I'm on notepad. I wonder if I'll be able to paste it over later. I hope it keeps this font, I really like it.

April 2008
Steve the duck, turned out to be a girl

I'm in 'flat effect' lately, likely a survival mechanism for holidays, and my emotional interaction is at one bar out of five. It doesn't mean I don't care, it just means that if I start feeling the care stuff, I'll cry easily or get upset over stupid little stuff. It's easier to just not feel while it all passes over.

March 2009
vulture right by the house

I don't have big plans for Christmas. Scott will be on vacation from work in a couple of days and be hanging around through the new year. Bunny's school vaca will coincide nicely with his. Even though I'm recovering very well from surgery- wow there's no scroll with this... hang on.

June 2009
for real, in my henhouse, this snake was 6 feet long all stretched out

Dang it, I lost my font. }=l Lemme see if I can manually recode it here now. Oh, cool, I fixed it. Weird, now the wrap is off. Oh, ok, human error.

December 2012
feel lucky not to live inside a city

Ug, now it looks awful in blogger preview. It's daintier in the editor. Hang on again. Ok, at least breaking it up in colors helps.

November 2011
I found myself! Pinky Robot

My eyes have really changed this year. I'm having difficulty seeing colors on black. I used to have so much difficulty seeing black on white. Honestly, I can see colors on white the best. Wonder if I can change the background. Ew, total fail. I need the entire background blanked out. I'm too tired to dig around in the advanced editor. I'm going to re-black it out, apologies to those of you who get Pinky posts in emails. I don't know yet if this will turn out really hard to read like that.

November 2006
coming back from Dogwood Hill

And now the code is so mangled in my html (that's so laughable, I hafta use CSS for a lot of it nowadays) that I would be a fool to go back in there and try to fix anything. So, I'm going to stay out here in the 'compose' editor and hope I don't super screw anything up.

March 2008
we still have this truck

I really don't know why you're still here reading this, but in case you are, I'm about to get back to Christmas, lol. And I guess I'll just stick to this color now. Where was I? Oh, yeah.

October 2012
along my street

Even though I'm recovering very well from surgery, I'm not perky enough yet to jump into Christmas, and since I'm not that terribly helpful (except keeping the dishes and laundry done up kind of thing), I'm mostly stepping back out of the way and everyone can do their thing and not worry about me. I am pretty much doing my usual bowing politely out of plans and just humming along in the background helping some of the chaos run a little more smoothly, which I'm really good at most of the time anyway.

March 2008
from my back yard, high up on a flint ridge in the Ozarks

So on Christmas, I won't be cooking much, won't be going anywhere, and will likely be focused on the Mo Creatures server and the Doctor Who special. It's looking like we won't be getting fiber hooked up by Christmas like originally planned, the crews are going a little slower now after breaking water lines twice, and every home will get two visits between strategically mapping best hookup and then testing actual hookup once the lines are finally all in the ground. So between electrical brownouts and weather affecting my router, work crews blipping my existing wifi here and there (radio interruption is horrible around here, doesn't take much at all when your neighborhood is laid out along a flint ridge), and my usual chaotic real time interruptions because life and people and stuff, I'll likely be popping on and off, afk-ing, and intermittently checking my social medias on my phone all through Christmas Day.

March 2009
also from my backyard

Well, that's about it for now. Maybe I'll try to share more pix through 2018. Hope you guys are having fairly decent holiday seasons, and if it's stupid and hard, let's just keep ourselves distracted and busy and checking in, ok? I'm sticking around, and I'm already slamming 2018 up against the wall and telling it I'm the boss of me, not the whimsies and fates of a world around me freaking out over every little thing. 💗 

lyrics