I'm inserting random pix off my photobucket for no reason at all.
July 2007
Scott has no fear
So my internet is slower than a slug in an ice storm right now. I can't pull up a game server or youtube or facebook or anything on search, and not even blogger. So I'm on notepad. I wonder if I'll be able to paste it over later. I hope it keeps this font, I really like it.
April 2008
Steve the duck, turned out to be a girl
I'm in 'flat effect' lately, likely a survival mechanism for holidays, and my emotional interaction is at one bar out of five. It doesn't mean I don't care, it just means that if I start feeling the care stuff, I'll cry easily or get upset over stupid little stuff. It's easier to just not feel while it all passes over.
March 2009
vulture right by the house
I don't have big plans for Christmas. Scott will be on vacation from work in a couple of days and be hanging around through the new year. Bunny's school vaca will coincide nicely with his. Even though I'm recovering very well from surgery- wow there's no scroll with this... hang on.
June 2009
for real, in my henhouse, this snake was 6 feet long all stretched out
Dang it, I lost my font. }=l Lemme see if I can manually recode it here now. Oh, cool, I fixed it. Weird, now the wrap is off. Oh, ok, human error.
December 2012
feel lucky not to live inside a city
Ug, now it looks awful in blogger preview. It's daintier in the editor. Hang on again. Ok, at least breaking it up in colors helps.
November 2011
I found myself! Pinky Robot
My eyes have really changed this year. I'm having difficulty seeing colors on black. I used to have so much difficulty seeing black on white. Honestly, I can see colors on white the best. Wonder if I can change the background. Ew, total fail. I need the entire background blanked out. I'm too tired to dig around in the advanced editor. I'm going to re-black it out, apologies to those of you who get Pinky posts in emails. I don't know yet if this will turn out really hard to read like that.
November 2006
coming back from Dogwood Hill
And now the code is so mangled in my html (that's so laughable, I hafta use CSS for a lot of it nowadays) that I would be a fool to go back in there and try to fix anything. So, I'm going to stay out here in the 'compose' editor and hope I don't super screw anything up.
March 2008
we still have this truck
I really don't know why you're still here reading this, but in case you are, I'm about to get back to Christmas, lol. And I guess I'll just stick to this color now. Where was I? Oh, yeah.
October 2012
along my street
Even though I'm recovering very well from surgery, I'm not perky enough yet to jump into Christmas, and since I'm not that terribly helpful (except keeping the dishes and laundry done up kind of thing), I'm mostly stepping back out of the way and everyone can do their thing and not worry about me. I am pretty much doing my usual bowing politely out of plans and just humming along in the background helping some of the chaos run a little more smoothly, which I'm really good at most of the time anyway.
March 2008
from my back yard, high up on a flint ridge in the Ozarks
So on Christmas, I won't be cooking much, won't be going anywhere, and will likely be focused on the Mo Creatures server and the Doctor Who special. It's looking like we won't be getting fiber hooked up by Christmas like originally planned, the crews are going a little slower now after breaking water lines twice, and every home will get two visits between strategically mapping best hookup and then testing actual hookup once the lines are finally all in the ground. So between electrical brownouts and weather affecting my router, work crews blipping my existing wifi here and there (radio interruption is horrible around here, doesn't take much at all when your neighborhood is laid out along a flint ridge), and my usual chaotic real time interruptions because life and people and stuff, I'll likely be popping on and off, afk-ing, and intermittently checking my social medias on my phone all through Christmas Day.
March 2009
also from my backyard
Well, that's about it for now. Maybe I'll try to share more pix through 2018. Hope you guys are having fairly decent holiday seasons, and if it's stupid and hard, let's just keep ourselves distracted and busy and checking in, ok? I'm sticking around, and I'm already slamming 2018 up against the wall and telling it I'm the boss of me, not the whimsies and fates of a world around me freaking out over every little thing. 💗 lyrics
"Although toads, shrews, and mice may feed on JB adults or larvae, they have not been noted as an important factor in beetle control. Invertebrate Predators. Spiders, praying mantids, robber flies and soldier bugs have little effect on adult JB populations." From Japanese Beetle: The Continuing Struggle to Achieve Successful Biological Control
Guess what question popped into my head first thing waking up... +_=
Aside from this being the Asian Beetle Christmas of 2017, this month is flying by me so fast I'm barely cognizant of time passing at all. True to the blur flying around me, some of these might be a bit blurry.
Flat refusal to see Santa for the, what, third time? But very thrilled to pose with this coyote. PINKY APPROVES. Mama might make her go back, lol...
The last game of the season was my first to see, and I laughed so hard the entire game. I have got to make it to the next set of games in 2018. Watching tiny people mimic playing sports is the coolest thing since the puppy superbowl.
And of course this big grin is worth all the gold.
I haven't been keeping up very well with my Batman. I can't even begin to describe how hard this year has been on me watching them going through everything from Harvey to other really big stuff and feeling very helpless to be useful at all from this distance. Someone likes getting to sit in the front seat with Mom while they wait for school to open.
It's kind of the thing to medicate high energy kids into more submissive behavior. We don't medicate for neurodiversity in this house. It's draining, but there is no way we're squelching this amount of happy joy. One of the secrets of happy is simply being able to constantly move, at least for this one. Her mama was the same way. Some people naturally sit quietly (I'm one of those), some people naturally burst forth and conquer. This one is a direct descendent from Daniel Boone's brother. Imagine if the Boone clan had been the type to sit quietly. Half of the U.S. would never have been settled, lol.
I think we're all going down, might be having a sickie Christmas. Got the achy all over chest stuff coming on. Bunny sounds awful. Crossing my toes I don't get this.
The article that pic clicks to might seem unnerving, but at least it's not Skynet.
Whiny robots are unacceptable. Whiny robots irritate people. #transparency is one thing, #uglytrewth is another. I will quickly power point the current root causes for whine and move on.
Post acute withdrawal syndrome. I'm only 2 weeks out from surgery, and less than that back off opioids.
Nasty headache.
Lost more weight than I went in with because virus on top of recovery and couldn't eat much between the two, imagine how hungry I am.
And now I will entertain myself, like I've been doing for years when I actually had no one to talk to.
Or how about an HTML5 version of the original Lemmings game, including the original sound?
But you don't have to load the game to listen to the music!
So when you have arthritis in your cervical spine and a history of trigeminal pain and they do airway for surgery, then have you lay in one position for extended time, the resulting fibro flare is off the wall once the drugs all wear off. Not whining or anything. Just saying. The Lemmings music in my headphones is helping. It's like a brain stim to distract me from paying attention to my nerves pinging over and over like BBs pelting the side of my head.
What was I posting in the old super pain days? Lemme jump back a few years and grab something.
Oh, here you go, my old Sikes and the Alien Nation (all the youtube vid codes got wiped in the Xanga server move). You might not be able to see that on mobile. And that post led to Gary sharing something I put into another post at EMP threat- imminent? Interestingly, just yesterday North Korea demo'd they can reach anywhere they want now with a missile, and next comes a nuclear warhead 'test'. You guys know that 'testing' a nuclear warhead in the atmosphere above the U.S. would knock our power grids offline, right, not to mention the fallout. So I was saying that back in April 2009.
Well, full circle I guess. I ran into Treat Me Like An Athlete, and I'll pull part here and leave it at that. This is an excerpt, because I was still voraciously super wordy back then and this is only a part of that. Bluejacky wasn't a top blog or anything, but got really good traffic on some things, and it was the first blog I tried being both public and myself on, although back then I never shared who I was anywhere else.
Ok, guys, I felt mean the other day, so I'm gonna partially retract and make an apology, but not because anyone got hold of me and demanded one. And I'm not doing this to get attention from anybody, because I've got recs and comments turned off anyway. I made a post called'puny' blogs, which I still stand by because I'm aspie and that's the way my head works, but I can look back and see that it was still a punch below the belt, and I feel like that's not who I am and how I operate. I'm not trying to do ~this~.
And here I put South Park's infamous cripple fight, which is now blocked for content rights stuff, but here's a snip.
I'm a big believer in the whiny crabby people being the ones who survive. I have watched others 'wisp away' under the burdens of their illnesses, and even though med info pages on the internet insist that things like lupus and fibromyalgia are NOT terminal, those others I knew have passed on already. I'm still here, and my whiny crabby butt says hell yeah it's killing me, and dang if I'm gonna lay down and let it. I'm not against anyone talking about their stuff on their blogs, that was NOT what the 'puny' blogs post was about. I've got a private blog popping with my crap, and the reason it's private is because the things I say there are things that help me survive, and that includes my black side, my bad attitude, and all the mean feelings that come out on my really bad days. I don't want to share that with the public. To me it looks like a big tangled mess of ugly confusion, probably because I see it all the time. To the few allowed to sub there, it probably looks more like endlessly long boring posts about being sick all the time and every little thing that bugs me, which is probably a real drag to read. Aspies can be notoriously wordy.
This next part is a big deal. Very few people dare to stick out there and really be REAL without apologizing or masking or faking or fighting. Just being real.
So it's only fair that I bring out where I'm at *right now*. I created this blog to share information, to 'be real' about stuff like Asperger's, but as I've pointed out in a couple of posts, I feel the Asperger's is what's giving me the edge on surviving the illnesses I live with because I notice patterns and obsess over details and collect information to the point of being irritating. So this week I'm going to assess what my situation is as of August '08, and then map out my plan of action for dealing with my stuff for the rest of the year. If you have chronic illness and feel like you are spinning your wheels in the mud, this is how I have survived 20 years of lupus, severe fibromyalgia, and a variety of complications that include things like Lyme disease, heart surgery, and a really wacky immune system.
Kinda what's been happening this week. I'm talking to myself because no one else wants to talk to me like this.
The cold hard truth about illness is that it sux. Just like with my Asperger's, I pretend to be 'ok' or 'normal' with my illnesses, too, because I learned real fast no one likes a whiny butt with a bad attitude. That's the real me, but I can't be the real me without people walking away in disgust, and I have learned to hide the howling blackness so I don't scare the straights. But the real me is the survivor. I don't whitewash the crap I go through to myself. I punch the virtual walls and grab myself by the collar and shake me. There is a piece of brain that refuses to go down with the ship, and thank God I go through the really crabby stuff, because I think it has helped save my life more than once.
I actually do this to people that I love-
Because, damn it, it takes a mean person to survive a mean disease or illness. And my gut reaction is that any time I see someone else whimpering with their pain, I want to kick *them* into full blown whiny shit kicking mode, too, so *they* can survive. This isn't about life sux so someone owes me something. This is about Indiana Jones hanging off a cliff and climbing back up. It's about Jack Bauer breaking people's necks after he's been tortured nearly to death. It's about Cat Woman getting fed up and raking her claws around rich bastards. It's about ~*~surviving~*~. I personally know a woman who wisped away to her death, refusing to make the necessary changes in her life that would have made all the difference and possibly given her 20 more less miserable years, in spite of surgeries and medications galore. There are a number of corporate conglomerates, insurance companies, and pharmaceutical CEOs who aren't going to like what I have to say in this post.
True story.
Yes, the imagery helps. If your senses are too delicate for this post, go away, and don't pretend to feel sorry for people you don't understand. True story. Years ago I was working in a hospital. I was preparing to put my things away and step onto an elevator to move on to another floor when a couple of older ladies stepped onto the elevator with me. They were dressed in nice clothing, had nice hair, nice jewelry, but they were not being very nice. The lady they had come to see was on the cancer floor, and since I'd cleaned her room earlier and spoken to her, I knew she was terminal any time, and that she was distraught with a number of issues about being afraid, stuff about her family, feeling all alone since her husband died, etc. So the ladies on the elevator (probably from this woman's church) were disgusted that they had taken a really expensive beautiful flower arrangement to this sick woman, and she hadn't even said thank you. She had gone on and on about something going on in her family, and she didn't even acknowledge that they came out to visit her and bring her flowers. And I'm standing there thinking- You expected her to be a gracious *hostess* on her death bed???? My God, people, the woman is ~dying~, and you're griping about her failure to say thank you for the flowers. And that leaves so much wide open to wonder about, like how those nice ladies could judge someone in need like that and think they were better than her because they played a *social game* correctly. They weren't really there to comfort a dying woman. There were there for brownie points. And I can't help but also wonder if the church paid for the flowers, in which case the nice ladies were even that much more ugly about getting that thank you.
Srsly how I feel about comments. I don't need pats on the back cheering me on. If you can't get out there and plow walls with me, just stand back before the bricks fly with me tearing that wall down.
So if you've never known anyone personally or yourself lived with chronic or terminal illness, your advice is not welcome here. (My mom used to be very eager to give others advice on vitamin E and herbs and stuff without any experience or medical knowledge whatsoever, so I'm a bit sensitized to that kind of zeal.) This is partly why I turned comments off. I don't waste my time with ignorance and pretense. It's my 'aspie way'. I am who I am and I don't care if someone gets upset about it. The rest of you who agree with me, thank you, but I don't feel the need to show that off to anyone by hosting it in visible comments.
I go on, but that's the gist of it. THAT is where it originally all started. Pinky blog is a continuation of Bluejacky. Bluejacky is too gut punchy. Pinky said tone it down a bit.
click pic for more memes
Now where were we? I started out looking for fun, wound up with nukes and a crabby rant. I need to get back on track. I was thinking that maybe in December (tomorrow) I need to go in a different direction than last year. Last December I did a countdown thingy and facepalmed midway over the archive stacking up with identical title beginnings, and by January I was just weird. I floated into dissociation land and wound up on handfuls of meds and then spent nearly the entire year dealing with ignoring a real problem (surgery this month could have been done 9 months ago) and winding up with multiple problems swamping me because I was over medicated.
pic clicks to interesting demotivational collection
And I'm still talking too much, but surely I'll be cured by the time someone is free to hang out on game later, if all works out. My internet was pretty sketchy today. Thankfully, a fiber optic crew has been out this week getting the entire subdivision prepped for a massive fiber optic installation, and their equipment is all parked up and down the street in front of my house. They made it to my house just as it was time to stop and go home, so first thing in the morning it's going to be noisy. Can't complain though if I wind up with fiber for Christmas.
I am admittedly worn out from this post. I just want to lay down for a bit before I get on game. Hopefully I don't fall asleep and miss anyone. I'll pass along what got shared to me today, it's really cute.
you get far enough down 'thanksgiving walking dead meme' in google search, you forget why you were even there
I got lost in that search last night before I caved and went to bed. I think I'd go to sleep faster with a brain chip letting me mindlessly cruise nonsense.
So last week today I was 203 pounds and super calm before surgery. Within 24 hours I'd zoomed up to 215 on IV fluids and whatever my body started hoarding because it must've thought I'd been attacked by ice picks and had a piece of me stolen slick as slick. That was a little alarming so I looked it up, guess it's common to do that with surgeries, basically just take good care of yourself and let the fluids sort themselves back out. Today I am down to 206, which is fantastic compared to some people in the med forums, and apparently means my kidneys are in great shape chugging it out, yay! And that is why you wanna take care of your kidneys, people.
Another thing I learned, since I'm not a surgery queen and usually stick to the more mundane whiny chronic stuff, is that an ileum is about the last thing to come out of the whole knocked out stupor, and everything trying to leave ahead of it is like the worst traffic pileup you ever saw. I wasn't given after care instructions on anything diet or digestive except start slow and eat what I want. By day 4 I was becoming an expert on looking all the things up, and after all the stuff I've read from every point of view imaginable, it really doesn't matter a hill of beans what you eat and you should always have a bottle of milk of magnesia on hand anyway. Softeners and hydrating didn't work at all, moving around more while slacking off on pain meds backfired into every conceivable regret, all the correct food in the world can't make a difference if it's at the back of the line, and probably the only thing I'll do next time I have surgery is stick to clear fluids the last 12 hours or something. At any rate, we're all very happy now. If you've got a friend or family member going through surgery and don't know what to do for them, trust me, a bottle of milk of magnesia is pretty wonderful and will make you the hero.
And then of course, I just started typing in whatever question popped into my head into the search bar. How long do my incisions hurt after gallbladder surgery? Hundreds, maybe even thousands of people had asked the same thing. Some people hurt for weeks when they sneeze or move wrong or sit too long, so grain of salt, I'm keeping in mind that I got stabbed by ice picks and there are lots of little nerve endings in skin and the tissues underneath because being able to feel stabs kept our ancestors alive longer and they probably fought back, ducked and dodged, or ran for cover while I was knocked unconscious and purposely stabbed under some big lights. That stab memory will probably always be there locked in the tissues now, and it'll just become part of my overall nerve pain disorder if it becomes bothersome. Other people yapping about weeks later sneezing took a big load off my mind. It's easy to imagine the worst when someone else pokes a hole in you.
And I got to thinking, it's funny that people will let their gallbladders go defcon and become emergencies while they ignore them, but then fret over ever little sensation while they heal after surgery. Humans are weird.
Bottom line, if you're not taking good care of yourself before the surgeries start rolling in, don't expect to heal on demand kind of thing. And the opposite is true, too, ran into a lot of people getting back to their workouts too quickly and winding up back in surgeries to fix rips in what wasn't done healing yet. Y'all need to chill. Just because you think your body should such and such in your mind doesn't mean you're the boss of reality. Just because people are going back to work in 3 days or a week doesn't mean everything super healed super fast and you're a chump because you can't live up to a rumor standard. As far as I can tell, it all sucks, we all suffer, and it all takes time.
When I was in ER earlier this year, hanging out for a few hours in the waiting room, there was a guy dripping blood down his arm who had managed to elude everyone and went straight to the public coffee cart. I was mind numb with pain in a wheelchair after an ambulance ride, still waiting to get triaged, everyone around me pulling back from this guy and I'm parked right there. I just smiled and said You need to keep pressure on that. I mean, crazy or not, I'm probably crazier, so who cares. He got bashful trying to cover the blood dripping and getting coffee at the same time, evidently priorities are a problem in his brain, and he said he pulled his IV out. I laughed and said It's not like TV is it? I did that once, ripped it out in a bathroom, blood everywhere like the zombie apocalypse. And then everyone around us started relaxing and people finally found the guy and got him to the police desk to get his arm bandaged, and someone else cleaned up. I cleaned in hospital one year, I had no problem with that blood. I am OSHA trained and cleaned stat contagion many times all over the hospital. I was also the only one who talked to that man like a human being. The rest was just funny to me, but I thought that part was sad.
Around Thanksgiving, Americans make big deals about going to homeless shelters and feeding people. There were plenty of people in need around me in that hospital waiting room. One woman was clearly homeless but very organized. She had a travel case with wheels and a couple old pillows tucked into the pull out handle. Everything she needed was in that bag, including a book. I take a bug out bag with me nearly everywhere I go, too. I feel safer when I have all my little comforts with me if I wind up stuck some place waiting for something, like having my car worked on. When pre-triage came out to get her vitals, she clearly stated she was there because it hurt to pee, and apparently knew how to get help about it, was probably the best behaved person in the whole waiting room because she knew how to stay out of trouble. Conveniently, it was also better than being outside in the cold. I'm sure she knows every public area open through the night all over town. On my own really bad days when I can't stand being alone, I take my bug out bag and go hang out at the library or the hospital, some place big where I can move around a bit and still have facilities and people around me. I used to hang out at the airport when I was younger. I don't think I'm alone doing that. I think a lot of people hang out all over town like that. Some people go shopping and don't realize they're using the excuse to be doing something when they really just want to not be alone. When I retailed, there were customers who knew the store better than we did.
If you don't know what to do with yourself or your life and you want to be helpful, go hang out at a hospital on a holiday. Just move around from one waiting area to another, check out the coffee shops and gift shops, notice the families camping out around births and deaths and horrible accidents and cancers and stuff. And then go check out the opportunities board and ask about volunteer positions. Volunteers are awesome in big buildings. They train you to help move patients in wheelchairs after check in, or answer questions at a desk, or other stuff. A lot of places have volunteer programs. You don't have to just do it on holidays and twiddle your thumbs the rest of the year.
This meme cracks me up because I saw someone actually do this on a minecraft server, just purposely dump a lot of leveled up diamond armor and weapons into a deep ocean after a bad day. Sometimes you let go of the material stuff and just enjoy the game.
click for diamond memes
I've got Bunny tomorrow while her mama works, and Papa's work is having an employee cookout, so I think me and Bunny are going to try making shortbread cookies. I'm stuck with gluten free flour and no xantham gum, and it hit me that shortbread might be the ticket. There are no eggs or leavening, just 3 basic ingredients, and from there I can add gingerbread spices or melt chocolate chips into butter or whatever, and we can do cut outs and colored pinwheels, and I also found a shortbread spritz, so we can get the cookie press out, too. I haven't had a real cookie day from scratch in a long time, and I think tomorrow will be a really good day for that.
I've also been getting my own Turkey Day menu assembled, getting that cooked up today so I'll be out of the way tomorrow. I'm making cornish hens with homemade herbed biscuit and cornbread stuffing (yes, all gluten free, super allergic to wheat), a mashed tato and steamed broccoli. I'm going to record Macy's parade on Thursday in case Bunny misses the balloons, because she's high energy and will probably be too excited to be that patient. I stopped my pain pills so I could save one for tomorrow and one for Turkey Day, so today I'm having a little bit of a withdrawal headache, but I'll be ok. Me and opioids probably go back through several lifetimes, I'm pure addict on those, and have mentioned my love for vicoden in the past outweighing my love for anything and anybody else. If you know someone who has quit drinking or doing drugs/meds over the holidays, please be kind and gentle with them. They won't be feeling well because it's a real bitch dealing through that thick haze of suck, and it takes awhile to get through it. I still crave every single day and it's been at least 25 years since I quite drinking and smoking, plus here I am back on an opioid for surgery and doing low dose xanax this year staying mood stable (I check in regularly with both psychologist and psychiatrist). Holidays are very stressful. If you're stressed out, then you know the person in withdrawal is very stressed out, too. Not the best time to talk politics and religion. If you can't just enjoy your family over a nice meal, maybe make other plans that are healthier for your mental and emotional function.
Sorry so wordy, this might be my last chance to hang out on Pinky blog for awhile. Not sure how the rest of the week is going to go.
Love you guys. All my people. You know who you are. 💕
There's a room I keep in my head where it's always this. No matter what else is going on in real life, this is tucked away from the first time I heard it many years ago, and every time I play it back in my head I think about all the people I've met (both online and real life) and how glad I am I got to know them.
I'm the sort of person who took a very long time to figure out I actually had friends whether I realized it or not, and I usually didn't because I'm such an aspienado pinhead. I spent years autopsying every relationship I went through until I finally started noticing that I'm the dork who takes dolls apart and sets them on fire. If you translate this to people, I do it while they're still alive and trying to be friends with me. I'm sure it's been a little odd at times.
The comments on that vid are delightful, btw.
I'm pretty sure this is how they greet you in Hell.
This is the one song that will be burned into my mind until the day I die.
I love this, subtly alluding to the children being lured to their planned deaths.
I remember the first time I saw this movie I laughed like a madman at this part and my mom was so concerned
1:03 a reference to laughing in ''I am the walrus''
Is it me or do the instrumentals for this song sound similar to the Silver Shamrock song from Halloween 3? They're by no means identical but for some reason that's where my mind went during this scene.-Me too.
Anyway, I'm coming off a week of coasting through brain fragments on happy pills, and I can't help noticing how much I deeply care about all my people lately. I struggled for years, some of you saw that happening on twitter and this blog, and it's like this year my junk finally settled into place and now I kinda get it all now. I get me. I get that I'm a roller coaster slinging around other people's heads and I'm the one who looks blurry, not you guys.
Context relies on experience over time. I have 5 years under my belt now, my glitchy head is getting more reliable, I'm remembering better who everyone is and where they're from and what their situations are, and most of all, I'm managing to organize this info into my memory closet in real time nowadays. I have these friends here, those friends there, we like to do this and that, and it makes a nice little spreadsheet of activities I can look forward to each week. So much of that was a mixed up blur for so long, even at the beginning of this very year I could still barely keep names and locations straight, much less other kinds of stuff that makes hanging out better. I remember when I thought Penny was another child, kind of a private joke going back a bit. But yeah, it's like years ago asking people in real life at work or down the street about something they said and they look at me weird because they didn't realize they left me dangling assuming I understood, when my brain was naturally concocting more interesting stories about their lives behind their backs just to fill in missing info. One person was shocked when I asked whether her daughter was her husband's daughter too, or someone else's. I get very hung up on pronouns and names not being used interchangeably to denote shared relationships because hey, autism, so little things kinda made me the weird friend people wound up tiptoeing away from eventually. I have no problem accepting that everyone's got some level of hash slinging slasher in their past, so it's up to you guys to make sure I'm not running off perpetuating myths of some kind.
Well, ok, except for Mike Bilinski. He might really be some kind of *cough*interesting*cough*or something, so always keep your spatula handy.
Now that I've explained myself, I feel more comfortable asking these questions about some of my sketchier friends-
Does Kurt keep *ahem* guests tied to, wait, I mean locked in, no wait, I mean on an extended visit plan, yeah that's it.
Is Phil one of those retired dudes who runs a barside pool party? Because I wanna be where he is.
I'm kinda getting the feeling Jinni knows where all the good dumpsters are for body emergencies, and always packing cute little cookies and a thermos in case the nights get long.
I find it comforting that Lisa could be part of the mass brain training entertainment wave before aliens really do take over and recreate our society without a Vermont. Except I'll miss Cabot seriously sharp cheddar cheese. I wonder if she knows Benedict Cumberbatch. Pretty sure he's one of them.
Are Chris and Tammy siblings? Cousins? Secret agents spying on us?
Is Cindy in league with the Martians??? 😲
So in a few days it's a huge holiday in the U.S. and nearly everyone will be busy or comatose on the feasting, so before y'all hit the highways, I just wanna say be safe. This has been a challenging and sad year for a few of us already, so pleasepleaseplease stay safe. 💟💖💗 Especially you fun grillmeisters trying out turkey frying equipment for the first time. Show me some purty turkeys on facebook, not big lumpy bandages or something. Get those turkeys thawing! Do NOT toss a frozen bird into a deep fryer!!!! Yes, I feel like I have to say that. This year has been a little too ripe for facepalm. 🦃
Making myself sit down and take a break. The surgeon pushed a magic button yesterday when I went in for consult and musta gooshed a little stone loose or something, because the pain level is dissipating and my energy level is coming back up. I'm cured! 😂 lol Seriously, though, I'm a long way from cured, so I need to not be stupid. Caught myself zipping around and up and down the stairs doing #allthethings, and @bonenado commanded me to SHTAP. He knows me well.
So this month has been rearranged, got the Bunny stuff onto a better track so I can stop, drop, and roll with whatever comes next. Mostly waiting on phone calls arranging new meetups right now. So far I will be scheduling two different procedures, the second is an actual surgery, the first could turn into a separate one if they find anything, and there is mention of something else completely unrelated down the road. When I hold back the dam, I HOLD BACK THE DAM. Well, the dam is busting, and now we're slamming through finding all the holes because I'm such a stubborn idjit that I'm sorely tempting a Darwin Award. I'm the one always saying we live in the golden age of information, and here I am leading the way off a cliff, wheeee. #goodone
That other thing still not yet in the queue doesn't necessarily cause any pain and can be very sneaky, so maybe I'm fortunate other stuff is blowing up so we're accidentally seeing that, too. Managing Incidental Findings on Abdominal and Pelvic CT and MRI
Whole list of articles there. This is probably a common thing because people are so bad to put off actually getting real tests done.
Anyway, I'm actually feeling a little better today, which is sweet since the last couple of weeks have been pretty miserable, so I'm organizing some thoughts for a very laid back holiday season this year. Turkey Day will be simple on my end. I love Macy's parade, I'll probably be logged into Mo Creatures minecraft server hanging out, and I'll have a few nibblies around because that is just second nature. I've been cooking since I was 7 and I've cooked professionally, so as long as other people do the heavy lifting and follow instructions, it'll be delicious. (Barring complications complicating things up, of course.) And after that, I'm usually the one at home texting with Black Friday shoppers, so I'll be chill anyway. I've done the frenzy, it's fun to a point (especially on the retail and service industry side, I've worked through at least 8 Black Fridays or more in some capacity, 5 years of it retail), but it's also cool being the chill one sitting back laughing, so all good here.
And then after that, with December always being the crazy part of the year when schools and work places are doing parades and games and parties and stuff, I will still be chill and keep the ball rolling smoothly in the background. I'm really good at that, it's my comfort zone, and hopefully I will continue to heal and get even healthier while festivities roll around me. I'm already enjoying all the pretty colors coming out everywhere.
But yeah, @bonenado was right, sitting here I'm starting to feel it again, so I was pushing it. Bad me! I'm not good for anyone if I'm stupid. Stop that! Time to chill. I've had this list for awhile, but I just added it to my playlist page.
That reminds me, I'm so far behind in real life, I'm making a nonlisted playlist to catch up on the latest SNews, sticking it here so I'll see it and come back to it when I have free moments.
And if I get some rest today, I might be able to stay up for #latenightmovie with @LNMGang again tonight. 🍿
Ode to @bonenado making it through Easter surrounded by women on all sides, including mom, sister, daughter, granddaughter, wife...
I mostly stayed in Mo Creatures. Bunny helped me name a raccoon and hunt for chicken eggs and then we had a discussion about why a rabbit didn't have her name, so another player helped me make a baby bunny and we named it after her. Outside of minecraft, blurs of activity happened in spurts with quiet times in between while the blurs ran around seeing other blurs, lol. Between being autism spectrum and aging through fibro, even though I'm having a fantastic year so far, inside my mind I feel like I'm on a constant lag. My psychiatrist says what I'm feeling doesn't match what others observe, but I think it's because I'm just really good at faking y'all out, lolz.
Halfway through April and so far so good on allergies. This was always my big airway rescue month for years, keeping my fingers crossed this'll make my 2nd year in a row not winding up in ER or clinic for pred rescue. I've hit 100 3 times now I think on my CPAP score, meaning I'm making it 6+ hours with good mask seal and low apnea counts. I can tell, though, that central apneas are going to continue to be a huge deal if I take meds any time after 4 p.m., so I'm still excruciatingly med sensitive, and no wonder I spent 20 years being a super insomniac. I used to think I made it through being ejected from that wreck without a head injury, but it's coming up with my sleep doctor now that possible brain stem area concussion might be the culprit behind me not breathing in my sleep. All this neck, jaw, and lower skull work in physical therapy can't solve that problem, so as I age, I'll probably be higher risk for something as simple as not breathing in my sleep because my brain can't tell me to wake up and breathe, and CPAP doesn't fix that kind of apnea. It can, however, make sure other apneas are solved and bring my OSAT up, and more oxygen to my brain means more overall continued healing and health, and more healing means a better chance of my brain being able to make me breathe when I stop.
I have always felt I'm here on borrowed time, and like I'm racing time to get done what I'm here for. I've said several times during crisis "I'm not done yet." I've never said "I'm afraid of dying." I'm very much afraid of having to leave the game board before I'm done here. Life sometimes feels like a Monopoly board and sometimes feels like a Parcheesi board. My life feels like both, all mixed in with chess. (Imagine Parcheesi chess Monopoly...) I've thought this way since I was a kid. The reason I write so much on the internet is because I don't know when I'll have to stop, and I can't count on there being a 'later' to do things. Between autoimmune reaction disorder (anaphylactic reactions) and central sleep apnea, even really good days for me could be over very quickly. I have lived like this every day for many years, always knowing today could be my last day. I'm working very hard on increasing percentages, ratios, and chances, but sometimes it feels really important that I tell people I love them just in case.
By the way, I'm NOT writing this because anything feels urgent or imminent, lol. I used to go through horrendous anxiety attacks that were way worse for feeling like I'd die any second than this feels. I actually feel really well the last few months compared to the last ten years, but those who know me know I'm always ready for that other shoe to drop, because it's just a habit. I'm writing it because I'm thinking it. Being on CPAP has brought this to a much more #inmyface attention.
What a morbid Monday, sorry about that. I'd better go do some chores.
I am hopefully assessing out of physical therapy today for either the rest of the year or at least a much longer stretch than I've gone in years. I'm on new ground now. I never EVER envisioned getting this far, although I have pushed hard to get here anyway.
And, like a dork, I let my zyrtec run out. I also completely missed an appointment yesterday. Crashed a little harder than I thought I would coming off the euphoria but it's all good, kept laundry caught up, meals got made, I even worked.
@bonenado sounds terrible, and I'm guessing head cold going into bronchitis. Doesn't seem to be the typical allergy stuff, all the sicky symptoms dragging around. Beautiful spring popping out, @bonenado going all zombie on us. Poor guy.
This is pretty much my head right now. Everything is all stirred up in there bcuz Bunny and PT and pulling all my focus into navigating euphoric ep and allergy boom. Been making my coffee a little stronger this month. I know I'm out of touch out there but srsly thx to my friends for shares around the medias and hopefully I get a lot more work done this year. I feel solid through my hurricanes with my gangs under me.
Srsly, that's the last of using the same title every single day all month. What a drag. I'll never do that again. So glad I made it 30 instead of 31.
Ok, this week's suckage in a quick power point.
Tonsil day. The worst part was surgery being moved twice out of the blue around holidays. Bunny's mama had it so perfectly set up on the 15th and everyone in place for backup help, that got moved last minute to the 28th, so everything was rearranged and tightly squeezed into place, and then 2 days before surgery they called back and it had been moved to 6 hours later, so all new plans had to be put into place for keeping a hyper 3 year old from going into super cranky calorie deficit through the day, which involved parents losing lots of sleep keeping her up, and this on top of one having developed a severe sinus infection over holidays and another an abscessed tooth and not being able to get off work, and you know what kind of fun it is getting appointments into anything around holidays. Four adults, one child, a tonsillectomy that went super fantastic, and we all feel like we've run a marathon.
Sleep study. While I'm thrilled that the follow up got bumped up to a great weather week instead of being at the end of January with possible driving in very inclement weather in the dark, it came hot on the heels out of the blue right after Bunny's tonsillectomy. Right. After. That very night. Extra trips into town blahblahblah. I can't begin to describe the headache I've walked around with all day. But hey, I slept great.
IF the world will stop moving abruptly out from under my feet, I'm hoping to get something special DONE by the time the ball drops.
Tomorrow we are driving halfway across the state for an epic meetup and I'm very excited. That is all you get. Because of that, I'm posting this a few hours early, like handing in my homework ahead of time. I'll be too excited to focus, and I'll need to get ready and then be on the road for awhile.
Unrelated end of year stat report- Pinky blog averages 8 page loads per visitor session. I very sincerely say THANK YOU.
I've been using this month to slowly turn my ship around under a new star chart, locking down a new heading kind of thing. One of my biggies I've been talking about with my immediate family lately is transparency. I've been so accustomed to hiding challenges and navigating around flaws for so many years that, since I've been opening up and really being more honest, I feel I need to stop dancing around some real things.
First of all, and this really is a big deal and affects nearly everyone I meet in real life, let's just get the whole dog allergy thing dealt with. It's usually not a big deal because I keep to myself, but it's holidays and all the people are pinching each other's little cheeks and saying howdy in person, so I need to be forthright and asplain all the awkward stuff as easily as I can, which in Pinky terms mean ripping the ol' bandaid right off.
I have never told anyone this until now- after hugging several different pet owners over a few years as visits ended (with no pet even being present), my face immediately rashed out and swelled because of indirect exposure, and I had to start slugging benadryl and watch it for an hour in case I had to run in for phenergan and possibly even prednisone. Yes, it affects my health that much. If you own a pet, you are wearing your pet everywhere you go. I didn't say anything because I didn't want anyone to feel bad. Well, that's a lie then, isn't it? I need to tell the truth.
From Dog Allergies on WebMD- "Some people with dog allergies also have skin reactions. For instance, their skin might break out where a dog licks them. Others with more severe allergies might develop hives on their face or chest. People with asthma as well as pet allergies can have especially serious symptoms." Serious means breathing emergency. I usually skip the hives part and go straight to airway with just about every allergic reaction I have, so I am ready for no warning emergency response 24/7. I live this way.
My favorite part about debunking pet allergy myths is scientists finding molecular pet evidence even in homes with no pets (that's a link, click it), because our society is so overrun with dogs and cats everywhere we go, so there you go, just avoiding a dog in its own house isn't enough. I'm also terrified of walking into a home saturated with something else that could cause anaphylaxis, and this includes everything from dogs (medically documented with an allergist) to party balloons, toys, and sports equipment (latex) to everything nuts and peanuts to citrus (which includes cleaners, aromatherapy, and beauty products, especially aerosolized), you get the picture, so it's not something personal against dogs. I would be an idiot to walk into a place where I even remotely think emergency response might become the highlight of our visit, and I know it would make my hosts feel terrible. I know a lot of people still don't get this yet, but if I could get an airline flight shut down over a peanut allergy, I can sure as hell kill your party vibe over a really scary hour of croup and face swelling, which can easily turn into 6 hours in an ER.
I don't expect people to go to this much work, because it's truly exhausting, and it's really not detailed enough to prevent a serious problem. It doesn't address issues like small children spreading contact allergens, what to do when your pet pukes during a visit, stuff like that. Are Your Holiday Guests Allergic to Pets? Here Are 5 Ways to Make Them More Comfortable
I grew up with dogs. I love dogs. I'm not against anyone owning dogs, eating peanut butter, decorating with balloons, and wearing perfume. Instead of you guys trying to make room for one person who necessarily shuts that all down and kills the whole party, just scrape all that off and meet that person halfway in a convenient place for a bit and then jovially say goodbye, no pressures, no hugs, just glad to see someone. And if it really is inconvenient, I am the first person who understands all the holiday pressures and the last person to pile on any guilt over it. I'm a bubble person in a very mobile world, so I mostly live vicariously on the webs. I'm good with that.
My second transparency thing has been playing around with tracking and thinking about making stats public, which involved tests on IP masking and code reinstalls and turned into a bigger headache than it looked starting out. I kept tweaking stuff, like turning off reports on crawlers and bots, wiping out all the IP blocking (I had that so screwed up anyway, all I could mostly see was myself instead of the other way around), generally just making visitor data more accessible. I installed a second statcounter tracker with different settings to see how they compare, and I was fine with the whole visible thing until I zoomed down on the map and actually got a real location, thanks to GPS on mobile, so there is no way I'm making all the stats visible. You guys can see a graph now, that's basically it. No maps.
Even when humans know how to mask their IPs, if they switch to mobile that has GPS locator turned on and ping my tracker without using data masking, I can sometimes see actual locations on a map. (It's rare, but it still happens.) I feel like I would be sloppy to allow all of that to be publicly available. I mean, some people I know check in all over the place on apps, you can see exactly where they are through the day and anyone following on social media can see that (but you can't see all their operating system data like you can on a tracker map), but other people might not want the world to know the actual building they're sitting in. The problem with making stats completely public is that, even with IP masking, a few people can still be zoomed into actual street and building on the map, and I know that because I could see someone in a named daycare parking lot (thank you, Google super zoom) with a timestamp on it. THAT is what I mean by protecting my lurkers by not publishing my stats. There are several of you I can see coming in from named work places, or I can tell how far you drive to work and back home, and it's not because you're careless or because I'm a stalker, it's just stats and I'm so used to seeing mine. (In the old Lexx days, I knew exactly where my 3 biggest 'enemies' logged in from, and one of them pinged from both a work computer and home computer so regularly that I could tell what her work hours were and when she went shopping or out on a weekend.) Most of you are getting really good at the IP masking, which is awesome, but unless you've got GPS locator turned off (I keep mine turned off out of habit), I can still see where you actually are if you are using certain mobile devices and browsers. Not trying to scare anyone, just saying that's why I'm NOT going full transparency and opening access to the awesome map. I wish I could, but I'm not a jerk. Otherwise it would be cute and fun to see all the pings coming in from cities and countries and stuff.
When you visit other sites, if you see a tracker, always check it out. If you can click on it and go to a data site, see if you can see yourself in the stats. If you can see everything about your operating system, IP, and location, so can the entire world, and once someone who for real deep stalks you figures out your patterns on public trackers, they can see with a few clicks what you're reading and when, and sometimes even where from. (Seriously, when you hang out with a group of writers who code their own sites, it can get that intense.) I honestly would never have thought of this stuff if I hadn't had people fighting over something in the past, and it really did boil down to watching public stats. This is why I love lurkers, and I will always protect lurkers. Some day everything everyone does on internet will be completely transparent just because one day it will legally all boil down to that, but for now, we can still be anons, free to glide through the ether.
Ok, I'm worn out. That was way too much thinking for one post. But you get the gist, no more dancing around stuff. 2017 is about 1- getting back to work, and 2- ripping off bandaids.
Wake up at 2 a.m., drag into the kitchen wondering what to do, and the Lexx world is exploding with news, so I just spent an hour working- linking and sharing to #allthethings- without coffee. That's right, completely *forgot* about coffee.
I've been following several aspie/autie bloggers all fall, has been interesting watching them hacking paths through the same jungle of self discovery vs societal expectations that I've come through. A few of them are even my age, way more eloquent, and much more self aware. Seeing them gives me more context on myself and 'waking up' to self awareness. Mine was a much slower process, and happened so late, even after I made it through my diagnosis and later a disability hearing, it still took more years to process what that really means. I am a legit challenged survivor, and seeing the blogger noobs processing is showing me I'm one of the really lucky ones walking that line. The ones I'm watching were able see they needed to hide their stuff, pretend to play a social game, at least try to toe expected lines, and they're talking about how hard it was. Imagine not even knowing what all that stuff is or why you're being treated poorly by everyone around you. I was so lacking in self awareness that I couldn't see that all my oddizm glowed like neon, and I didn't have a single person to go to for any kind of solace. Because of my life experiences, I feel I have grown much more aware of differing points of view, having to work so hard trying to figure out why in the world people are like they are. I honestly didn't feel like I was meant to be human for a very long time, like I was an alien trying to pass off as human and not getting it.
Hanging on till I see my psychologist tomorrow. I've been counting down. Two different people who know me in real life have let me know over the weekend that I'm doing empathy wrong in convos that were 'just venting' and 'just worrying', so that's it, I'm holding everything down to simple sentences with short syllable words this month. Not even going to try to pretend to empathize the rest of 2016 because it's like I keep saying, I suck at it. If people wanna dump their venting and worrying on me, go for it. Just do it. I'll step aside and you can let it all out while I walk off and get a cup of tea or something, maybe offer an emoji cookie.
Advice to people who know oddizms in real life- if we're actually trying to communicate some kind of compassion, maybe just take it for what it is. Explaining what we're doing wrong instead of sharing what you actually need from us is you doing it wrong. While you're venting and worrying, please note I'm handling stuff, too, and I'm doing my best not to dump it on people. Two people actually noticed and got the subtext behind the remark I made elsewhere about donating my body to science. That is all.
I still have a very long month ahead of me. Maybe I should try getting a little more sleep.
I dreamed the other night that someone gently kissed me and told me to keep going. I won't say who, but it was extremely significant because it's not someone I'd ever have thought of on purpose, but definitely someone significant. I think I was being told to turn back to my original direction, the one direction that has always held true for me.
I have wanted to quit so. many. times.
I love words. I love the internet. I love all the neat little quirks and creative ways of people I find.
I also love solitude and quiet. I love being very deep in my head, lost in worlds I can't explain or describe.
I'm pure bachelor. I can live on eggs and nachos for weeks and never miss television while I work on stuff.
And I am a driving force that can't be still and let the world ferment without blasting holes wherever I go.
I think I know now why I'm always sad at Christmas. I moved away from my best friend during 9th grade over Christmas holiday, and I've already shared the rest. I guess stuff just sticks in the back of a person's mind forever, until decades later it resurfaces. Explains quite a bit, though. I didn't get to say goodbye to her on the last day of school. A gang of girls was chasing me (I went to a school where getting beat up was real, kids would wind up in hospitals) because a foster sister was telling everyone my family kicked her out (the state wouldn't let us take her with us, and we didn't know that until the money part of getting a new house was done), and the ONLY reason I wasn't beaten to a bloody pulp the last day of school before Christmas was because I dove onto the bus. I thought I was going to miss it because I was running around buildings dodging people, so by the time I got a seat, I was so frustrated at missing meeting my best friend in the whole world for a last goodbye. I never told anyone. That was about the saddest moment I ever had in my childhood.
Kind of loling at the medias, watching people saying f* it on cue. They don't remember doing it the same time every year. Holidays wear us out, the slump afterward leaves us disillusioned and upset, and it's like watching some kind of weird mating season, all the twitters and facebooks start spouting off like a nationwide chorus of frogs in a pond.
We're not alone, guys. I've been saying it sucks for years. YEARS. I think I just notice and remember more.
K, so anyway, I've worked really hard for 4 1/2 years on platform, stats, content, presence, all that pre-launch stuff, and between going in multiple directions (which was FUN, I truly do love trying new things) and being a little too available (a real challenge for aspienado), I've lost my direction and now I'm spinning circles not really going anywhere, just holding a position. I need to break out of a cycle I keep reverting back to.
I rethought several things. Pinky Press Review really does need to go. It's neither part of the original plan, nor is it necessary to curate other content with my name on it. It does very little to enhance anything I've already set up, and I'm paying out of pocket for it, so I really do need to let it go. I'm glad I learned what I did from it.
Statcounter is definitely going bye-bye. Favstar, Jib-Jab, maybe even my post office box. I only got that for my Klout goodies, and I don't go after those any more. I prepaid the old LittleLexx forum up 5 years, but if nothing changes on it in the meantime and I can't get into it to fix it myself, I'm just going to let that go in 5 years, too.
The dotcoms stay. Pinky blog is getting really overloaded, but it all still works pretty good. I think the internal blogger counter is broken, because total views on some posts don't match actual views in the post list, stuff like that. I don't even care any more. Blogger isn't terribly transparent with how their tracking works, so I have no clue what they think they're actually counting.
I'm taking December off. I'll still blog and tweet, but I want to divert away from overdrive. I'll still be public and people will still be able to contact me, but I've gotta take a break from checking #ALLTHETHINGS. I'm more than a little obsessive with it, and because of that I'm too aware of a few problems. I need to be less aware for awhile.
I'll still tweet links for SyfyDesigns if I'm doing stuff there, but I'm not sure I'll be available for movies with the gang all month. We've got a tonsillectomy coming up before Christmas, and I'm pretty much clearing holiday chores out of the way asap so I can focus on Bunny recovery and family support.
Part of my 30-day challenge is a salvage project. It's boring, but I'm tired of losing stuff. I like to archive what I love because way too many things disappear off the internet. In the old days (ten years ago, haha), that was a bigger deal, but so much has changed now, and there's so much new stuff flooding in all the time, most of us don't even realize when stuff disappears. We just don't have time to notice. Unless we're compulsive speed reading OCD maniac web hoarders. Bless those people, who others usually fail to thank or even notice exist. You only know I exist because I make a big deal of it. PINKY ROBOT WAS HERE. hahaha
OH, yes, focus on today. Let's see. I took the library book back before I finished it.
This gif is awesome, I drop my book just like that. Continually. Click to see it animated.
My day out wasn't exactly enjoyed, but I still enjoyed it, does that make sense? I went to the JCP home store and pretty much got a really nice area rug for free in between sales, percents off total, extra $10 off for something, another $25 off for spending beyond a certain amount- basically, two bathrooms get new rugs and my kitchen gets a big free one. That's about all I could handle, though. I'm still worn out from an impromptu Bunny day yesterday, kind of having a bit of a headache, my house is trashed and very sticky, and I'm working through one of those stupid feeling shrugged off depression lies that hit without warning. My personal life is wretched sometimes, but I'm too egocentric to notice most of the time and just keep plowing through in my little Pinky way, leaving other people bobbing in my wake. You know why I love the entertainment industry? Because it fills so many holes left in me from growing up. All the arts, guys. All the creative ways we express ourselves. What would we be without that? In the long dark night of the soul, who would we be if we couldn't make marks on rocks with some kind of paint?
(I'm ok now, I wrote that earlier today and let it sit. Those phases always pass eventually.)
Anyway, this is Pinky not quitting. I'm still touching base, still public, but if I'm going to gather my storm, I need to clear out a little space. 30 days. Can I do it?
