advance token to Boardwalk

This blog has grown very big and is considered too heavy to site map now. It can stay here like an archive while I continue on another Pinky blog. This is my last post on this blog address.

pinkyblue

I haven't been saying much this month because I'm working on other projects and paying attention to other things, like what friends are doing on their projects. I'm taking a little time to notice other people's stuff. Ok, yeah, and lurker games. I'm also going on more braincations without taking the medias with me.

Still here being Pinky, though.

click for deviantart source

Staying busy.

We Are Pinky

And then I remember who I am and everything is ok again.

certified

Putting this here so I'll never forget. 💕

2D pinky

Super brain dead. Like the flat 2D hole the coyote lays down for the road runner, just a flat circle that things fall into and are never seen again.


I'm doing ok, seem to be on task and on track and stuff, but ever since the EMG last week I've been super spaced out. Those are uncomfortable at best for anyone, and even though I felt nauseated at the time from the pain (thank you gabapentin, pain never used to nauseate me), I thought I did much better than the last time I had one of those done, got through it with much less distress (thank you again, gabapentin, you actually bring nerve pain levels down for me when nothing else would).

But I guess it took its toll, and I'm coasting through everything I do and time is all messed up and people around here are lucky I remembered to make food and do laundry. In the meantime, I lost myself in youtube again.




And then I made the mistake of checking this out, so eventually I'm going to do some crazy cool things myself with TNT coding.


And then I spaced out on a few of these, so there you go.


And if you wanna go really crazy, I found this guy pretty interesting. This is really good for if you can't sleep and need random interesting info trailing in while you space out. I haven't finished it yet, but it's cool.


Oh, here you go, this just happened at my house.


I'll never get out of here if I don't throw a Benny vid out. Hang on.

Ok, here we go.

North Korea is going to get coal in its stocking

The article that pic clicks to might seem unnerving, but at least it's not Skynet.

Whiny robots are unacceptable. Whiny robots irritate people. #transparency is one thing, #uglytrewth is another. I will quickly power point the current root causes for whine and move on.

• Post acute withdrawal syndrome. I'm only 2 weeks out from surgery, and less than that back off opioids.
• Nasty headache.
• Lost more weight than I went in with because virus on top of recovery and couldn't eat much between the two, imagine how hungry I am.

And now I will entertain myself, like I've been doing for years when I actually had no one to talk to.

Stick Death Run - Push the Death-O-Meter to the limit

Goes to this-

click the pic to get to the game

Or how about an HTML5 version of the original Lemmings game, including the original sound?

But you don't have to load the game to listen to the music!


So when you have arthritis in your cervical spine and a history of trigeminal pain and they do airway for surgery, then have you lay in one position for extended time, the resulting fibro flare is off the wall once the drugs all wear off. Not whining or anything. Just saying. The Lemmings music in my headphones is helping. It's like a brain stim to distract me from paying attention to my nerves pinging over and over like BBs pelting the side of my head.

What was I posting in the old super pain days? Lemme jump back a few years and grab something.

Oh, here you go, my old Sikes and the Alien Nation (all the youtube vid codes got wiped in the Xanga server move). You might not be able to see that on mobile. And that post led to Gary sharing something I put into another post at EMP threat- imminent? Interestingly, just yesterday North Korea demo'd they can reach anywhere they want now with a missile, and next comes a nuclear warhead 'test'. You guys know that 'testing' a nuclear warhead in the atmosphere above the U.S. would knock our power grids offline, right, not to mention the fallout. So I was saying that back in April 2009.

Well, full circle I guess. I ran into Treat Me Like An Athlete, and I'll pull part here and leave it at that. This is an excerpt, because I was still voraciously super wordy back then and this is only a part of that. Bluejacky wasn't a top blog or anything, but got really good traffic on some things, and it was the first blog I tried being both public and myself on, although back then I never shared who I was anywhere else.

Ok, guys, I felt mean the other day, so I'm gonna partially retract and make an apology, but not because anyone got hold of me and demanded one.  And I'm not doing this to get attention from anybody, because I've got recs and comments turned off anyway.  I made a post called 'puny' blogs, which I still stand by because I'm aspie and that's the way my head works, but I can look back and see that it was still a punch below the belt, and I feel like that's not who I am and how I operate.  I'm not trying to do ~this~.

And here I put South Park's infamous cripple fight, which is now blocked for content rights stuff, but here's a snip.

I'm a big believer in the whiny crabby people being the ones who survive.  I have watched others 'wisp away' under the burdens of their illnesses, and even though med info pages on the internet insist that things like lupus and fibromyalgia are NOT terminal, those others I knew have passed on already.  I'm still here, and my whiny crabby butt says hell yeah it's killing me, and dang if I'm gonna lay down and let it.  I'm not against anyone talking about their stuff on their blogs, that was NOT what the 'puny' blogs post was about.  I've got a private blog popping with my crap, and the reason it's private is because the things I say there are things that help me survive, and that includes my black side, my bad attitude, and all the mean feelings that come out on my really bad days.  I don't want to share that with the public.  To me it looks like a big tangled mess of ugly confusion, probably because I see it all the time.  To the few allowed to sub there, it probably looks more like endlessly long boring posts about being sick all the time and every little thing that bugs me, which is probably a real drag to read.  Aspies can be notoriously wordy.

This next part is a big deal. Very few people dare to stick out there and really be REAL without apologizing or masking or faking or fighting. Just being real.

So it's only fair that I bring out where I'm at *right now*.  I created this blog to share information, to 'be real' about stuff like Asperger's, but as I've pointed out in a couple of posts, I feel the Asperger's is what's giving me the edge on surviving the illnesses I live with because I notice patterns and obsess over details and collect information to the point of being irritating.  So this week I'm going to assess what my situation is as of August '08, and then map out my plan of action for dealing with my stuff for the rest of the year.  If you have chronic illness and feel like you are spinning your wheels in the mud, this is how I have survived 20 years of lupus, severe fibromyalgia, and a variety of complications that include things like Lyme disease, heart surgery, and a really wacky immune system.

Kinda what's been happening this week. I'm talking to myself because no one else wants to talk to me like this.

The cold hard truth about illness is that it sux.  Just like with my Asperger's, I pretend to be 'ok' or 'normal' with my illnesses, too, because I learned real fast no one likes a whiny butt with a bad attitude.  That's the real me, but I can't be the real me without people walking away in disgust, and I have learned to hide the howling blackness so I don't scare the straights.  But the real me is the survivor.  I don't whitewash the crap I go through to myself.  I punch the virtual walls and grab myself by the collar and shake me.  There is a piece of brain that refuses to go down with the ship, and thank God I go through the really crabby stuff, because I think it has helped save my life more than once.

I actually do this to people that I love-

Because, damn it, it takes a mean person to survive a mean disease or illness.  And my gut reaction is that any time I see someone else whimpering with their pain, I want to kick *them* into full blown whiny shit kicking mode, too, so *they* can survive.  This isn't about life sux so someone owes me something.  This is about Indiana Jones hanging off a cliff and climbing back up.  It's about Jack Bauer breaking people's necks after he's been tortured nearly to death.  It's about Cat Woman getting fed up and raking her claws around rich bastards.  It's about ~*~surviving~*~.  I personally know a woman who wisped away to her death, refusing to make the necessary changes in her life that would have made all the difference and possibly given her 20 more less miserable years, in spite of surgeries and medications galore.  There are a number of corporate conglomerates, insurance companies, and pharmaceutical CEOs who aren't going to like what I have to say in this post.

True story.

Yes, the imagery helps.  If your senses are too delicate for this post, go away, and don't pretend to feel sorry for people you don't understand.  True story.  Years ago I was working in a hospital.  I was preparing to put my things away and step onto an elevator to move on to another floor when a couple of older ladies stepped onto the elevator with me.  They were dressed in nice clothing, had nice hair, nice jewelry, but they were not being very nice.  The lady they had come to see was on the cancer floor, and since I'd cleaned her room earlier and spoken to her, I knew she was terminal any time, and that she was distraught with a number of issues about being afraid, stuff about her family, feeling all alone since her husband died, etc.  So the ladies on the elevator (probably from this woman's church) were disgusted that they had taken a really expensive beautiful flower arrangement to this sick woman, and she hadn't even said thank you.  She had gone on and on about something going on in her family, and she didn't even acknowledge that they came out to visit her and bring her flowers.  And I'm standing there thinking- You expected her to be a gracious *hostess* on her death bed????  My God, people, the woman is ~dying~, and you're griping about her failure to say thank you for the flowers.  And that leaves so much wide open to wonder about, like how those nice ladies could judge someone in need like that and think they were better than her because they played a *social game* correctly.  They weren't really there to comfort a dying woman.  There were there for brownie points.  And I can't help but also wonder if the church paid for the flowers, in which case the nice ladies were even that much more ugly about getting that thank you.

Srsly how I feel about comments. I don't need pats on the back cheering me on. If you can't get out there and plow walls with me, just stand back before the bricks fly with me tearing that wall down.

So if you've never known anyone personally or yourself lived with chronic or terminal illness, your advice is not welcome here.  (My mom used to be very eager to give others advice on vitamin E and herbs and stuff  without any experience or medical knowledge whatsoever, so I'm a bit sensitized to that kind of zeal.)  This is partly why I turned comments off.  I don't waste my time with ignorance and pretense.  It's my 'aspie way'.  I am who I am and I don't care if someone gets upset about it.  The rest of you who agree with me, thank you, but I don't feel the need to show that off to anyone by hosting it in visible comments.

I go on, but that's the gist of it. THAT is where it originally all started. Pinky blog is a continuation of Bluejacky. Bluejacky is too gut punchy. Pinky said tone it down a bit.

click pic for more memes

Now where were we? I started out looking for fun, wound up with nukes and a crabby rant. I need to get back on track. I was thinking that maybe in December (tomorrow) I need to go in a different direction than last year. Last December I did a countdown thingy and facepalmed midway over the archive stacking up with identical title beginnings, and by January I was just weird. I floated into dissociation land and wound up on handfuls of meds and then spent nearly the entire year dealing with ignoring a real problem (surgery this month could have been done 9 months ago) and winding up with multiple problems swamping me because I was over medicated.

pic clicks to interesting demotivational collection

And I'm still talking too much, but surely I'll be cured by the time someone is free to hang out on game later, if all works out. My internet was pretty sketchy today. Thankfully, a fiber optic crew has been out this week getting the entire subdivision prepped for a massive fiber optic installation, and their equipment is all parked up and down the street in front of my house. They made it to my house just as it was time to stop and go home, so first thing in the morning it's going to be noisy. Can't complain though if I wind up with fiber for Christmas.

I am admittedly worn out from this post. I just want to lay down for a bit before I get on game. Hopefully I don't fall asleep and miss anyone. I'll pass along what got shared to me today, it's really cute.

I'm dreaming of a Pinky Christmas

Looking up stuff like 'vintage pastel Christmas' for rotating wallpapers on Jawn.

click for a really pretty dessert table idea

I had saved ornaments just like these from my childhood and they all broke one year when the tree fell over. Oh, well.

click for a really nice collection of pinterest pix

It's taken a few years to get my holiday mood back on proper, and this year it's all good. I guess having a kiddo in the house is really good for me. I'm actually enjoying the idea of 'holiday season'. We had this next set when I was growing up, too, and they were probably vintage before I was ever out of high school. They'd be super vintage by now.

click to get to vendor description

I guess we can see where my 'pink Christmas' interest comes from. Pinky may have started further back than I realized.

the year of fail

Last night's 'nightmare' was a slasher dream severely lacking anything scary because we all got distracted with being able to adopt planets now, and I jumped all over nabbing Mars before anyone else could and was all that and a bag of chips showing off all over the medias. My new BP med clearly states nightmares as a common problematic side effect, but apparently mine turn into party time, so big ol' fail there, BP med. The other night I dreamed about spiders but it was more like I was following them around wondering why they were in slo-mo. Can't even have a proper spider dream.

2017 is the year of fail on all fronts. It's hitting everyone I know, and pretty much there's nothing to roll with because #fail. It's kinda like my facepalm post, all the good memes are over there. All week long people I don't even know have been letting me know I look worn out- Walmart check out clerks, other grandparents picking up daycare tots, people in waiting rooms, and various and sundry others every time I walk in a door or show up in a line.

That being said, I'm 3 days behind in the laundry and apparently didn't shop right for food this weekend, so I'ma scoot like a snail and go get a few things done today. The only thing I'm not failing at, and this is really surprising me, is getting birthday cards out on time. So far. No guarantees for future birthdays.

Ok, good click on this next one, cute compilation of memes there. Number 14 busted me up. 😁 And they were good enough to keep going. 41 made my day.

I haven't pulled this one out in a long time. Fail isn't over yet.

like the old days

So I put "race of intergalactic beings without pinky fingers" into a search bar and came up with these goodies-

Get Along Without a Pinkie? It’s Tougher Than You Might Think 12-15-08 kinda old reflection during a suspected writer's block
ANCIENT ALIENS? Mummified three-fingered 'non-human corpse unearthed’ 6-22-17, rather fresh one here
Say goodbye to pinky toes 9-18-14 NOOOOOooooo

Why are you doing this, you ask. Because my internet is too slow and sucky for gaming, I reply. Oh, you say. Yes, it sucks, I say.

Three weeks till the big eclipse, guys. Hey, I stick up for the picked on. Also, click for more, because if you're reading Pinky blog, you're probably as bored as I am. #10 is awesome.

I just discovered that "panki y el guerrero" is a thing. Hm. Moving on. Oh, here we go, press the Bored Button. Meh. Wo, lol, I come up in an 'Elon Musk' search.

Ok, here you go. you're my lobster Not a clue in the world why that particular post got associated with Elon Musk in a search. The only time I even mention him here in Pinky blog out of over a thousand posts is on base reality. If someone dragged my writing into comments somewhere else, I guess thank you? Kinda weird how this one worked out.

I'm actually looking for the post I made once with all kinds of doo-dads to play around on. Super facepalm on it being impossible to find, even with all the tags I use.

Ok, I'm worn out now. I've looked and looked and finally just ran into this vid I salvaged on a Pinky post on Xanga. "I could easily write 10,000 words on the magic of the old days"... I'm going out on this one.

When you're autie with multiple dxs

This is something I've been bringing up for a long time, just not in these words.
Depersonalization Disorder: An out of body experience

All the stuff in that article has consumed me much of my life. I've written at length on reality and perception, and have been openly being extra careful and letting people know when things aren't feeling 'real'. Friends on twitter may or may not be aware of this, depending on how often they might link over to Pinky blog, but that article kinda condenses things into a nutshell for me. This bit especially- I can tick every single one of these in this list.

What Causes Depersonalisation Disorder?

What causes depersonalisation disorder is not fully understood, but it is thought that it is linked to a chemical imbalance in the neurotransmitters of the brain. This imbalance may make the brain vulnerable to depersonalisation disorder when in states of extreme stress.

According to the Mayo Clinic, causes of depersonalisation disorder may include:

• Childhood trauma such as witnessing domestic violence or being abused
• Growing up with a significantly impaired parent, such as by mental illness
• Suicide or unexpected death of a loved one
• Severe stress such as relationship, financial or work-related pressures
• Severe trauma such as a car accident

I'm noticing it's much worse lately, so it's time for #transparency while I have a little time to share. I usually handle stuff on delay because of aspienado shutdowns, where I turn into Pinky Robot and don't have to feel all the stuff going on around me. Lately, though, I'm having to crunch some of that processing through a little faster as multiple deaths are rolling out and I feel oddly situated as a major player that's mostly not really inner circle, so I can't exactly be a wall flower and let it float over me, or float over it, or whatever floating usually takes place, but still vitally connected in sometimes crucial ways.

The best way I can describe the time jags are like when I'm playing on server and there is a bit of lag and my character gets jerked back a couple of steps and has to break a few blocks over again, or the lag might even spam a little, and the blocks blink in and out of existence no matter what I try to continue to do. If the lag gets bad enough, I time out and have to relog, which is what shutdown feels like. I don't often feel like I'm in 'real time' with other people, and have spent a frustrating lifetime figuring out this is what's really going on in my brain and that it's not normal. I'm so used to it that I take it for granted, and I've only really started talking about it the last few months. I mean, I shared the big reality break from 2012 that was a result of a supervised double hormone crash off meds that took about 3 months, but that went beyond my kind of normal lag/jag stuff. I'm not having a med or pain crisis to the point of causing this again, but emotionally *bam* I'm getting knocked off track a bit more than usual and it's really catching my attention lately.

I am still struggling to keep broken bits of timelines in some kind of order around certain parts of my life. I'm still attempting to reconstruct through old bits of papers, like my college class schedules, or a list of work experience I kept around for resumes that included to-from dates, or even like the time my oldest daughter suggested I look in the toilet for the year I got married because we built the house that year and toilets are dated- no wonder I thrive on social media timestamps. I can't blame the time jags on anything specific, because my brain is wonderfully adept at some things, but time itself slips out of my grasp. Y'all know I get my days, weeks, and even months mixed up. Well, it's kinda worse than usual this year.

So this weekend has been really tough, some of it was very public because we lost a friend but a lot of my personal stuff wasn't, and today should have been a typical epic fail mode where I forget stuff and stumble my way through, but it never happened. No, today was brilliant, I got all the things done, and I handled everything beautifully. But I wasn't 'me'. At least not the usual me. The me from the old days took over, the me that got me through high school and part of college, the me that showed back up in a new morph and got me through the 5 grueling dark years before I pulled myself back together with Pinky.

I knew as I was pulling out of the driveway this morning that she was back. I was cognizant the whole time and I (the 'me' who is typing this) pretty much sat back and let it all happen. I didn't fight for control, in fact, I was relieved and grateful. I hadn't seen that side of me, to use a phrase, take over like that in a long time. The me who survives no matter what.

She has a name. I very rarely ever share it. The morph part has a very public name. I don't often use it, either. Together they are very strong, and I say they because I didn't feel like I contributed to that strength. Normally we all fit together and we are 'I', but today, I definitely switched out for awhile.

I begged my mom to take me to a psychiatrist when I was in high school. In college I walked into campus counseling and asked to be tested, because I told them I felt like I was crazy. I have been assured a number of times by several professionals that I'm nowhere near crazy (I passed an MMPI just fine in college) and that I'm handling life rather well. Inside I feel like a messy wreck, and I don't feel like I'm handling anything well at all. My current psychiatrist mentioned I'm feeling dissonance between what is real and what I feel is real. It goes a little beyond the kind of self flagellation that people do when they're down on themselves, but the weird thing is I don't do that. I have never done that. That's where the narcissism has come in really handy. I don't think I'm all that and a bag of chips, but I do think I'm an important person in people's lives, and I believe my being here on this planet is important and supposed to change things, but that only works out if I get off my butt and actually do stuff that makes a difference, so it's really rare for me to fall into a self pity pit.

I believe we are ALL important and here to change things.

I believe it's ok to believe this, and I'm pretty sure that's what's kept me going. Reality is what I make it, and the reality I create around me is my 'real'. It may not always mesh with other people's 'real', but at least I can be part of other people's lives.

Pinky has been wrestling all the snakes back into the peanut can, but I don't think that's going to happen now. Claudia burst forth today, bringing Jacky with her, and dayam if stuff didn't GET DONE. I would wish I could be like that all the time, except when I'm in Claudia mode, I'm usually pissed and don't give a f* about whatever, and I'm kinda tough for people to take like that. Jacky brings an undercurrent of dark emo med addict withdrawal kind of personality, and together they kicked ass today and told me not to worry about it.

That was my 'real'. I didn't fantasize, I didn't make up internal dialogues, I didn't think about it, I just sat back for awhile working on word stuff like I love doing. And now this is me practicing for getting thoughts organized before the book goes out. Lotta people out there analyzing autie stuff half to death, and I am soooo way past omg I'm autistic. Let's apply it to #allthethings now, shall we? And ppl who read my stuff, don't rip this off and run with it on your own stuff asplaining it all out for the noobs like you own it. Own your own stuff. This is my stuff. Everyone needs to get on personalizing their stuff. Really tired of this 'we' crap. (I changed that last word, Claudia was trying to take over.)

I am the cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me. -Kipling. My tagline since 2007. Bluejacky: Existential Aspie

pink stultify

Burned out tedium, basically. I can't believe this is part of a real pronunciation series and that they spent a whole minute saying this word over and over.

This clicks to much less 'reimaginative' than the article purports.

I mean, I really was looking up 'pink stultify' this morning. That clicks to a wild assortment of imagery and even more new words. I was so surprised. Anyway, here is your basic stultify definition.

I have been feeling like this for awhile. I know a lot of it is adjusting stupid meds and being worn out with real life flinging me around and slapping me against buildings, and it's not anyone's fault. It's not the same thing as feeling bored. Also #transparency, kinda dealing with the death thing on several fronts, so aspienado shutdown is in full effect. Lotta emotional juggling going on.

These are the current repeater hits (hi, France) and they are stultifying to see, so I'm playing games, like how many sentences can these titles create if we smoosh them all together?

summer syllabus
swearing off
resuscitation
brain coffee
Vivendi
shut up!
vigils galore

Although Vivendi is swearing off a summer syllabus, brain coffee resuscitation is helping him yell shut up! through vigils galore.

Anyway, 98% of my traffic this last week as been that France thing, and Brazil and Ukraine barely even blip once in awhile any more. It's like being in one of those weird super obsessive relationships where you find out the exes quietly got axed or something. It's also opening my eyes to the kind of wonky reward systems I create for myself, and how personally I take mundane things getting in my perceived way.

summer syllabus

I couldn't settle on one. I love them all. Click to get lost in snake memes.

Started this yesterday.

I finally ran into the Pinky Guerrero porn stuff. In Google search, the name Pinky Guerrero lists that particular site at the bottom of the 4th page. You'd think it would rank higher, but the 10 seconds I saw looks so mediocre that I nearly laughed. Page 1 is me and other Pinky alternating all the way down the page. She ranked very top spot, which is reasonable since a career is on the line, and I applaud that. I'd almost feel guilty enough to let my own Pinky stuff go except that then she'd be all alone with the Pinky porn stuff and no one stopping it from infiltrating her own ranking, probably landing it on page 2. What really cracks me up is a convo between me and @Vodstok ranking higher than the Pinky porn. I'm uber failing to tweet very well this spring, and that 3 1/2 year old convo still ranks higher than porn.

THAT cheered me up. I'm not exactly in a funk, just really tired, I think.

So yeah, I made a syllabus for the summer since I'm all spoonie jetsetter and doing the fail thing a little too regularly. You know, forget to wash a load of clothes after I specifically say I'm going to and then articles of clothing that we need are NOT cooperatively happy to make our worlds brighter, and my brain hammers me the rest of the day with YOU HAD ONE JOB. Entire days just fall right out of my brain. I'm not sure how Tuesday was suddenly Friday (but not Sunday?) even though I distinctly remember Wednesday and Thursday but they feel like last week, and really? Tomorrow is Saturday? Are you sure it's not Sunday?

I worked very hard for inch by inch progress over 5 years of physical therapy, and 2017 is this big backslide positioning itself at the top of a gravelly mountain and I can feel myself starting to slip. I got my arms back, and guess what, I'm losing arms again. I controlled that nasty sciatica flare and guess what, it's back. I regained so much freedom from neck pain and guess what, I can barely tolerate laying down again and I'm still exhausted enough to zonk right through 4 straight hours without an eyeblink (and no pills to help me do that). So I thought awhile and put all my skills and tools to work- assessed all the things, wrote out a care plan (I'm trained to assess and write out care plans, a nice thing to remember when I'm not too busy playing minecraft), and then wrote out a daily plan around that, basically segmentalized (blogger doesn't believe that's a real word) time slots for things that need to get done. These time slots include-

• at the very top of the priority list, an hour of purposeful DOWN TIME with elevated feet, complete relaxation techniques, and lower core maintenance
• an hour of basic chores around the house
• an hour of mild activity not related to work of any kind, like walking, stretching, core work, nerve glossing
• an hour of TV (I usually never watch TV during the day, so that pulls me away from the computer, which is notorious for spinal problems)
• an hour of media presence maintenance, includes accounts and dotcoms maintenance
• an hour of random organizing apart from chores, including money and calendar sync and spaceship space reallocation (clearing counters and drawers, etc), playlist rescues

That is 6 hours. That makes room for appointments and shopping if I have a day in town, a nap if I need one, handling extra stuff like a phone call, other unplanned things.

Right, you noticed minecraft isn't on the syllabus. 😋 I'm minimizing time on. I didn't realize until I discovered I could insert a stat bar into my blog header that I'm over 800 hours into the Mo Creatures server since it came back up at the beginning of the year. I think that counts afk time, and I do get up quite a bit while the launcher is still going, but it still looks pretty bad. It works out to over a solid month of game time, or if it were divided into 40 hour work weeks, that would be 20 weeks of logging in to work, or 5 months of work. I'm basically spending 40 hours a week logged into a game to keep me sane in between doubling my work and stress load this year. Once I realized that was happening, I automatically started putting time back into actual WORK. Well, you know what I mean. I don't get paid, but I pretend it's time investment toward a wealthy future. I can dream. Dreams are more fun when they're possible.

The really fun part of this dream is that if I can pull off what I hope I can, I've always wanted to buy into a Sonic franchise because I think it would be hella cool to say I own a Sonic. I've had the area picked out for years, and if it got approved I would be considered a major business developer in my area. I checked into requirement specs years ago, standard (when I last checked) is $1M in cash or collateral. I know it's possible to make that if I keep after what I'm building, but things are hard and I feel like I took a few gap months while I handled my brain playing trampoline.

I miss my old routine, but even before all the big changes this spring, I knew I was getting way too comfortable in my rut and becoming nonproductive. I may not be able to handle a lot of stuff, but I can still be productive every day. A bunch of little things over time adds up to a great big thing that can look pretty amazing. Learning to channel this into a process made me feel strong, and letting that slip back away is making me feel very crabby.

So focus is back on recovery and maintenance now that the med problems and pain control have finally been properly taken care of, and with maintenance comes the work again. I love working. I need to work. I dreadfully miss evening television and live tweeting, but I manage to catch up in between minutes here and there, and I'm still here, lurking around.

Now it's today.

Ok, got interrupted, lol. Bunny is my favorite whirlwind. Anyway, was about to say it's time for #Snarkstock2017 and I'd be lurking through the feed, but my evening was immediately capsized and then I realized I was fatigued enough to go to bed early and really SLEEP and maybe I'd better take advantage of that.

One of the requirements medicare has for equipment rental is keeping my sleep score at least 70% every night, and I very rarely slip down to something like 69%, so I'm winning the CPAP game, especially since 7 nights out of 14 are usually over 80% and at least 3 of those in a 2 week time span are over 90%. I haven't slept this much in YEARS. *I like it.* I still can't imagine sleeping 8-10 hours a day like some of you insist is mandatory or your day sux, but the whole 4-6 hours on CPAP and sometimes another 2 hours after that sans mask is changing my universe into something a bit more congenial. That does NOT mean I'm easier to talk to or my mood swings have lessened. Those are their own challenges, tied to the horrors of existence on a cellular level, but at least sleeping more cuts down on my awareness of that.

Anyway, focusing back on the plan stuff, my original thesis during my Resource Planning degree was very ambitious. My family moved to the Ozarks when I was a teenager, and I've spent years next to Branson and fondly call it my back yard. This is a big tourism area, and my kids grew up working 'on park' (theme parks) and the kind of high traffic retail that comes with tourism. I remarried into a family that migrated from up north, so when I traveled north with Scott and saw Mall of America, THAT became my thesis goal, to write up a proposal for a second Mall of American in the Ozarks (which would have been a huge load of work, possibly leading to a lucrative career), so I obviously think big. I can't help it, I've always been like this. I should be on a star ship mapping galaxies. So it's not really a stretch for me to think it's possible to own a Sonic. It's not a stretch to hope I'll one day be able to travel a bit, fly across the pond, as they say. The hardest part is believing I can do this (whether it comes to pass or not) and continuing to work toward it, even though it's grueling and taking some time. I'd rather work toward something than sit back and let it go, bury myself in something and no one misses me when I'm gone because I was a whiny soul about how life is hard and pain sux and my lot in life is to suffer. That attitude can go blow.

My father-in-law next door is on hospice, very literally on last watch, and he got up this week, made it outside, and tried to kill a big snake. When I'm at death's door, I want to be just like that. I want to get up, haul myself out into danger, and kill the crap out of something scary.

Working on something, this is my fave mood music for a few things. I don't really share what's closest to the vest, but it's a long time coming and I've been hinting for awhile.

on a complicated fence

On a Disney princess scale, I think Bunny fits this pic the best.

Ok, so I'm beaten at my own game for click bait, it's funny and creepy and totally puts me in the hotseat, so here we go, what is really in my head. #transparency

Forgive me for being so slow, but blogger stats are pretty vague, and it took awhile to even notice at first, then took even longer to filter and decipher into probable wussappenings, and now it's just obvious. 7 simultaneous post hits every 45 minutes.

I'm not on enough to catch clean hits very often, but I got an idea few days ago to check real time response, and the turnaround was so fast on Vivendi (never before linked ANYWHERE) while other posts stayed static over many weeks with only minor changes that I guess just whispering on Pinky blog is a big deal.

I've been pretty open with contemplations, personal beliefs, etc, but I have yet to share my trail of thought winding around how it all fits together in my mind. So here we go.

I've stated before a few times that we got Dish specifically to get the Sci-Fi Channel specifically to get Sliders after Fox dropped the show. On MGM on Dish is where I first saw Stargate SG-1 and Lexx originally air in the U.S. I love both shows. When MGM dropped them, they both slid over to the Sci-Fi Channel, and then Friday Prime was born, adding Farscape to the line up.

I've also written across several blogs how I grew up with a doomsday parent, my dad immersing me in end of world prophecies, UFO and other alt-science theories, numerology, but very staunchly biblical aka anti astrology. He believed in stars lining up, but not in them having personal meaning in our lives kind of thing. Along with that, I was hard core trained in debate, chess, and killing to eat from a very young age. By the time I was 12 I could argue rings around people and skunk nearly anyone on a chess board.

My dad has never felt comfortable with my intense draw to science fiction. I love everything about scifi. One of our most candid disagreements was about finding out Ra and the other gods were real characters in Stargate and how that would poison my mind. My dad is the kind of guy who would drop anything to listen to Billy Graham, and he was been freakishly obsessed with the rapture all his life. It consumes him. I finally vaguely confessed on Pinky blog that I think my dad may have been exposed to a brain training technique at a young age, and I based that largely on his memory as a young boy of being warned by church ministers (in the wheat fields of Kansas) about being grabbed by strange men. Don't follow them! Don't listen to them! Many years later I'm finding documentation of Mennonite men being excellent choices for special ops training because they were broken early as children (obey!) and grew up killing. So... maybe my dad has a point. Maybe his obsessions are because of a real thing. Maybe there are a few secrets locked away in there that will go to the grave with him, because no one can pull them out. It's like he's got an automatic switch that takes over, and then we're talking about the rapture again.

I love Star Trek, and one of my most seen posts is a devotion piece to Jim Kirk. I have loved the idea since I was a kid that there could be a World Federation, and that we could put all our resources together to go do much cooler things. I grew up with the entire franchise and it very strongly impacted my life, especially Mr. Spock. Turns out I'm autism spectrum, and I'm pretty sure that's why he became such a hugely popular character. So many of us either naturally identified with him or knew someone like him in real life.

Back to Vivendi. I was working at Kohl's when Lexx was airing on the Sci-Fi Channel, and Kohl's was among the first in the nation to use a satellite show to advertise a dotcom address. Back then that was HUGE. I noticed it immediately, MY store on MY show and the ability for viewers to hop right on the internet and start shopping while they watched TV.

I'm kind of a weirdo, aspienado apparently uses entertainment specs as an autism train obsession, and back then I looked up what was behind this new idea in sales across digital media. (That just sounds cool to me.) Back then the Sci-Fi Channel, along with Universal and others, were owned by the Vivendi company in France. I was fascinated that the French owned American media. Since then they've branched out into telecommunications and gaming, and it's been truly fascinating to watch this growth. Their history is a very long one, going back to the 1800s and now a worldwide power player in everything we all do, so yeah, kind of a big deal.

Vivendi and Lexx are tied in my mind because of how it rolled out like that. It seems indirect, but it's kind of direct.

I've written reams about Lexx. I own everything Stargate and Farscape and Lexx. I've been called a super fan by a number of people. Other prominent super fans interact with me sometimes on other medias.

Back to my stats. I say some very important and kinda deep things on Pinky blog once in awhile, and regular readers have probably caught on I'm not a typical scifi fan, not a typical Christian, not a typical gut reactor to journalism, not a typical neurodiverse person. I don't focus on any particular thing in my blogging but myself and how things related to me and impact me- basically, the path I took getting here. I'm not here to tell anyone how to live, what to do, or where to get off. The closest I get to that is when I say open your eyes.

The world is the way it is. Lotta different people out there fighting to keep things one way or change things into something else. Lotta big feels about who is bad and wrong and lengthy diatribes about why we're right or whatever. Lotta jumble and mirky water out there. Nothing is clear. People choose their focuses and stick to core beliefs they can't philosophically defend, but that doesn't matter becaus the most important thing is always us vs them and we're right, they're wrong.

What if no one is right, and no one is wrong.

What if we're all right, and we're all wrong.

What if the only way we can resolve any of that is to put ALL our brains together.

Mass media is already working on this. World sync and brain training are already happening. Seeing all the things and knowing each other is possible on a scale never before seen in human history. Beneath all the stories in entertainment is a common theme- commit to your people, focus on survival, forgive and love your own, and even join up with the perceived enemy, because the enemy turns out to be just like you, just stuck in a different situation.

There are groups on this planet doing their best to stop this from developing into- what? Human dignity on a world scale? World commerce that easily feeds all the people on the planet? Ease and comfort and health care and education support for everyone? Happiness?

Religious and political wars have been going on continuously time out of mind. Some say this is our natural state. I beg to differ. I'll agree that it's a natural human thing to need to fight to develop and survive, and that first world ennui might have something to do with no longer seeing real blood in our lives, yeah. But that's a superficial answer. The deeper answer to Who am I and Why am I here is How do I belong?

I'm not here to advertise or advocate for a group. Pinky blog isn't not paid or compensated in any way for link sharing. I personally don't endorse ANY decision without deep thought and discussion with loved ones, and I very strongly reiterate to keep reaching out if you need help. Keep talking. All of us need to keep being and doing and talking. No more secrets. Be the person you were born to be.

I have no feelings for or against Illuminati. I grew up with that word because of my dad. A lot of people fear that word, blow it off as a joke or conspiracy, or feel drawn to it like moths. Whatever. All I know is that it's been a part of my life since I was born, even though I'm not a member and I don't personally know of anyone who is. However, now that they have officially come out with websites, my stance on it is that it's a brilliant new way to moralize the church/state conundrum without political and religious affiliation. Modern Machiavelli. And if Vivendi is part of this plan, then you are already part of it too as a digital media consumer.

I've alluded to growing pains on our way to a better world. I see the conflicts in opinions and approach around the world as growing pains. I believe this is going to happen no matter what, it's been happening for a very long time already anyway, and you either get on board with this is just the way the world is going or die a bitter death complaining about everything around you. I don't condone, nor do I look away. It simply is.

The world becoming a better place on our personal level is about US. Who are we right now? What are we choosing to do with each day? How are we treating one another? Are we spreading negativity or love? Are we growing or wilting? Focusing on ourselves is the best way I can see to make the world a better place. Worrying about things we cannot control from where we sit only adds to the frustration and chaos.

I choose to focus on Pinky. Pinky loves scifi and fantasy entertainment. Pinky loves the stories.

like the cool kids

Getting really close to 1000 posts now. Actually, just over if I count a draft and a couple posts I pulled back from public for fixits and never put back out. But technically, TODAY, this one is 997 currently published. One of my private blogs has 759, another has 1831. I have a whole list of blogs, but Pinky blog here is the only personal blog that has remained this public for this long.

Let's celebrate! Bunny is having a sick day, Bunny mama had to stay home from work to take her to the doctor, they've both been asleep on the couch for hours making up for a long, rough night with a big ol' fever, and Pinky has been tucked away amusing herself with 'pinkyguerrero fans' in the search engine. I didn't really expect to find anything interesting, but search algorithms are funny things, and next thing you know, I'm finding my accounts associated with all kinds of weird and awkward things, and sometimes cool stuff. Basically, though, it's all content curation and then hoarding server space. Our entire planet is going to evolve into one giant server orbiting the sun. All these screenshots click to sources.

One thing I ran into toward the last was this ift.tt thingie.

I know, what the wut, right, so here you go, let's learn some fun stuff. First of all, click this next pic to go to its cache source on google. ift.tt stuff is cache, so now you can come off kinda cool knowing that.

Just above that Pinky in da Haus meme you see 'full version, text-only version, view source'. Click view source. All that gobbledygook that you see after you click that is what I see when I right click on all kinds of websites and select 'view source'. Unless a website is right click protected, everybody can see everything about that page, including all kinds of identifier numbers and where graphics are hosted and what your widget settings are. When people warn you to change your passwords to keep you safe from hackers, that's kind of a joke. Any website that has vulnerable 'back doors' can be perused in source mode (disclaimer- I do NOT use source code to hack log onto people's pages or websites, I just like getting the source addresses for their cool widgets and stuff, like the little hearts that spring out of the mouse cursor on Pinky blog), and there are other ways to get all kinds of info without ever having to log in. This is why secure sites are such a big deal for monetary exchange, like banking and shopping. This is why coding specialists make beaucoup bucks. This is also why extra-step verification is important for your accounts, like twitter and facebook. I can right click and see facebook source codes, but facebook coders are very clever and scrunch up the really important stuff. I can still see who visits whose facebooks (if I want to sit for hours matching up long number strings to names), but I can't see when or how often, and I can't see private messaging info, etc. I talk about source code once in awhile in other posts, especially in wassappening.

I just super distracted you. The real question is- Why is THAT particular post coming up in this kind of general search for 'pinkyguerrero fans'? Like, I mean, out of nearly 1000 posts? Why THAT one?

So let's look at the clues, check out the content of the original post called cool kids. Felicity Smoak in the video at the bottom of the post is a brilliant hacker, MIT class of '06. What did we just do? We opened up my code on a post alluding to a coder. Not a single other Pinky post showed up in search in this manner, even though many other Pinky posts use the word 'fans'. Is this something personal? Is this coming up in search because someone else has already done this? Google search is notorious for showing things in rank order, the most clicked at the top, instead of using a catalog system. Google search is a constantly changing information flow, and the more clicks a page gets, the higher it gets ranked in a search engine. It's a stupid game to play, and one I beat by simply infiltrating half the web with my name, lol. (I say simply, it took some time, haha, I'm pretty patient.) But the point is, a cache page is coming up in search. That means someone is clicking on that particular cache page a lot. I wonder why they'd need a cache page, because they could see the post easily enough, right? Sometimes the only way I can see a post outside the U.S. is by accessing the cache page, so maybe that's it.

A completely unrelated Pinky post way closer to the top of the ranking system is Wanna see some more? If you click that, you will get the France page for Pinky blog. I talk about lurkers in that post. Actually, I talk about lurkers in a lot of posts. It's interesting that the France version of that post talking about lurkers is ranking so high in the search, because I'm in the U.S.

And when we add all this up, it's very interesting that a general Pinky search will highlight a combo field of France, lurkers, and source code, especially since I revealed recently that Pinky blog is getting hammered from a single source in France. Coincidence?

Sometimes I talk between the lines in Pinky blog to lurkers. Some of them privately talk back to me once in awhile in real life. Some of them go dark again, some hang around on the edges leaving me alone but I know they're there, and some super lurk and play games on me. I think I might have a very patient game player who has been hanging around for probably at least a year and a half, and if it's the same person this whole time, has been sending me signals for awhile to play back, which I did, and now I'm getting signals to stop blowing them off and really play back, which I am now doing. I mean, how else can I play back except to talk out loud about it, but I'm not going to share the google map satellite zoom from an IP I think I finally got confirmation on and am 79% certain is the same person. That's the thing with playing these kinds of games, as long as I'm playing fair and by the rules (and with one arm tied behind my back and nearly 90% blindfolded if you think about how bad my analytics really are, I complain all the time), I really can't go Ah-HA!

Anyway, the cool kids source showing up in a pinky search isn't necessarily related, and I've had app spam/scam hits from a number of countries anyway, but it's something to think about, isn't it?

Those of you who really read Pinky blog know that I value creators in the dark, artists in the night, writers in pain, and I notice people who don't spell it all out. Several readers have let me know privately I'm hitting all the right nails square on, and part of the reason Pinky blog is important is because I keep it very cool here, no one sees you but me, and most of the time I don't see most of you because we've been talking about using proxy and private search settings, right? Still, sometimes someone needs an internet hug, and this post is my hug to the person who added resuscitation to the rotation in the continuous hammering, like the drumming in the Master's head.

And now, it's time to get back to my own stuff. Pinky blog isn't here to be about someone else's game, although this was a nice distraction on a long day.

lyrics

give me the thing that I love

I'm one of those who quietly shakes my head when other people feel a surge of exuberance and blurt things like "I'm in the mood to build something, somebody give me a suggestion for what to build next!" (minecraft), "I feel like writing, someone give me a writing prompt!" (blogs), "I'm in the mood to bake, someone tell me what I should cook!" (foodies), "Let's go shopping! Give me ideas what to look for." (burning pockets), "I'm in the mood to make a garden, what kind of flowers should I buy?" (gardeners), you get the picture. Across all the hobbies, I see people asking for ideas for their next deck or flea market project, their next detailing venture, their next quilt or crochet, even their next pet and sometimes even their next child.

Pinky doesn't ask other people what Pinky should do next. Neither do the rest of us. Bluejacky says "I am the cat who walks by himself, and all other places are alike to me." (Kipling) We all know she's bluffing and that's really a coping strategy, but not a very good one because it's emotionally sterile. However, it's the opposite of emotionally codependent and dysfunctional, so that worked well for awhile.

Anyways, I've been wondering off and on about starting a new Pinky blog because this one is so excessively huge that even google won't touch it with a stick any more (at least not for free) and the bots be swarming now. I have apps and crawlers in several countries to thank for roughly 15% of my traffic, which is actually exceptional because I've been such a bio nazi. Check my latest webmii report from this week. (@LisaMarieBowman has me beat, but just barely. 😁) This is the most important part of the internet. If you need some kind of context, check out Ellen Dubin's Webmii. These are the 2 women I like holding up as a sort of goal to reach myself. (There are more, of course, I keep a list.)

But this is what it's all about in a nutshell. It's really important for a NAME to stand out and grab all the correct data into one curator. Lexx fans from the old days will probably do a double take here. I know, right? I never meant for this to happen, it just did. All I had to do was make sure I linked properly, like we were all told to do years ago. Srsly, all I had to do.

And that is leading (in a real time pop up kind of way, because this comes and goes depending on how actively I'm linking my Lexx stuff) to a grave but quite hilarious misunderstanding. The only 'related' person in this entire data collection (at this current info gathering) is someone I've been very careful to step further away from. That goes to a Webmii report for Michael which turns out is a composite of a number of Michaels with the same name, a completely not Michael's klout score and the wrong linkedin, and as you can see, there are a variety of Michaels flourishing in corporate America. The Anthony Ellis part is cool, he's my top retweeter.

My visibility doesn't rely on Pinky blog, obviously, although I've played google search to associate just about anything and everything with my name in media searches. This is spot on, though. This is web presence. I don't need a wiki page or an IMDB profile or a syndication host to create my own presence. I pretty much stick out like a sore thumb. All of this was planned. I've worked hard for this, and right now I'm coasting on a gap month hoping I don't lose it.

So the question comes up in my mind- Should I start a new Pinky blog? And when I think of even asking I feel like I should know the answer. I migrated once because of a server move, and I'm doing very well on blogger. I can live with the swarms and I feel like everything here is archived well. The only problem is what I call 'excessive baggage' alerts. Google is kind of insisting that I do something about all this and I'm thinking that's an 'excessive work' issue that I'm most likely not going to deal with. Spending time keeping blog maintenance up shaves time off other things. I enjoy blogging very much and will continue indefinitely. But I keep bringing up something about a book... (or two, or...)

clicks back to Lexx fandom source site

Also, I'm busy. It's about time to grab my lapels and fling myself against a wall again.