little green dots

Changing my wallpapers. That one above clicks out if you like it.

If anyone is really playing attention, vs just freaking out on twitter and facebook, it looks like martial law was finally put into writing just before Christmas, and there are all kinds of interpretations going on about what's going to happen next. Well, we are preparing to go to big war again (per people we know being called back into training), and I've been saying for years we'll eventually be living in a nationalized police state. Those of you who watch scifi have seen how this works in shows like Continuum, so it's not a new idea at all, and even part of our entertainment. I've been saying for years that TV prepares our minds for change by slipping in ideas over and over, and scifi is a major vehicle for that. Stuff doesn't happen overnight and most people's lives won't really change that much (just like all the other incremental changes we've gone through over the decades that we've already forgotten about), and life will go on. How we want to continue is up to us. I personally don't want to be a big drag, so I try to stay focused on my own microcosm, which includes my physical and mental health. How can I be good for people? That is a question I ask every day, and every day I find a way to be good for someone. I may not be able to control the big scary stuff, but I can certainly paint the smaller stuff around me any color I want.

There are no good guys up there in the scary stuff. The only 'sides' involve millennia-long bloodlines that control the world moneys and the people they front as governments. We are already living everyday lives underneath a broiling civil war above us, and you can guess at what's going on all you want but you'll never see the answers until you understand the biggest picture. Having answers won't change a single thing in your life. Obsessing and worrying and ranting will only bring people down all around you and make you more depressed. You are a 'prole', you always have been, and you always will be, even if you think you are white collar in an upper crust job. You will always be one of the cattle beneath the biggest picture. You mean nothing more than that, so you may as well calm down and create your own meaning.

I've gone through my own evolution over the years. I've come back from soul-draining illness, I've wrestled the blackest depressions and floated around in gurgly bubbly euphoria, I've been through brain crash and world crash and server crash and life crash and very real nasty car crash. I've lurked through the depths of despair on the webs, watching people like me finding ways to survive. And we all want more. Who am I ? What do I want? World of Spin

2016 was hard. I slipped backward into more depression and lost my focus and my discipline and 2017 started off with uber pain and I spent 6 months going through med fails, and finally wound up in an unrelated surgery last month. Through most of 2017, my life has been upside down helping other other people adjust to life crash/change, and there is nothing like everything in your world being fail and upside down to sift out what you really WANT when things start calming back down a little.

I want my focus back. I've got my discipline, big time. I grew wealthy on a game server through constant internet glitch, and that was a focus distraction through depression from real life that I was accidentally thriving through just running to keep up with daily chore grind in all my pain, and I come to the close of the year with not just a will of steel, but a diamond tipped edge on discipline. I look around me and see a jumble of junk because that's what life is like with a 4 year old, but I look inside of me and see everything in order, all my junk sorted and organized and ready for action because I've been so focused on surviving real life daily/weekly crisis management through real life pain management, and I'm getting goooooood.

Now, to turn all that back around and apply it to my original focus out here. I am equipped like I never was before, bulked up in metaphorical armor and weaponized with god enchants like infinity power punch flame smite knockback looting efficiency fortune feather-falling depth-strider projectile-protection blast thorns. I'm so good in game that I'm like lemme finish chopping this tree first while mobs bite and sting me from all sides, then casually turn around and pop them all into little green dots that roll up into my experience and level me up some more.

If we could see that happening in real life, all the crap and junk would feel more fun, wouldn't it? We'd be able to see our advancements and achievements even if everything was feeling junked up and stupid. We'd be able to show other people our metaphorical coolness and say Hey, wanna band up and go conquer? I need a badass adventure for a cool power boost.

And that's what life is. On our dumbest days we can't see that we are having badass adventures. We are conquering the toughest demons and leveling up all kinds of little dots we can't see while we wade through stupidity and sad. We feel alone while other people all around us are doing the exact same thing.

We're not alone. And we are badass because we're still here.

2018, here I come. Throw snakes and spiders at me and I'll give a hearty laugh. Show me an impossible mountain and I'll say Hang on, lemme get my gear. Glitch my flying pet out of existence in mid air and I'll go find another one and level it up. You can't stop me.

I'm dreaming of a Pinky Christmas

Looking up stuff like 'vintage pastel Christmas' for rotating wallpapers on Jawn.

click for a really pretty dessert table idea

I had saved ornaments just like these from my childhood and they all broke one year when the tree fell over. Oh, well.

click for a really nice collection of pinterest pix

It's taken a few years to get my holiday mood back on proper, and this year it's all good. I guess having a kiddo in the house is really good for me. I'm actually enjoying the idea of 'holiday season'. We had this next set when I was growing up, too, and they were probably vintage before I was ever out of high school. They'd be super vintage by now.

click to get to vendor description

I guess we can see where my 'pink Christmas' interest comes from. Pinky may have started further back than I realized.

Day Nineteen- last of 2016 30 day challenge

click for utterly cool wallpapers

Taking a break in between stuff. Got my rotating wallpapers... rotating.

Here you go, in case you're already sick of snow and counting down to Valentine's and spring.

It's really cold here, hit -14 wind chill around my area yesterday. We also had deadly ice glaze that screwed traffic across part of the state last few days as Decima has made its claims and lingers to mock.

Back to wallpapers.

We don't know where my head is right now. Busy, perhaps.

last of 2016 30 day challenge- Day Four

Wallpapers click to sources.

If you guys ever need to be able to say "I know a person who washes trash cans with real soap and takes things apart to disinfect or clean tiny hard to reach places", that's me.

Slowly getting my house super stripped. Learning just how much work one raisin on the bottom of a person's shoe can create later. I was down on the linoleum scraping smears of sticky raisin leather because nothing else I did was working. They should make superglue and nail polish out of raisins.

Totes forgot about my fantasy team till this morning, but it's cool, no one played yet. I'm currently 5-7 and 8th place, solid hold on that plastic cup level of possible prize winning. @bonenado is 9-3 in first place, a 'champion of champions'. He's obsessive over fantasy ball teams like I am over stat trackers.

Speaking of stat trackers, I'm trying to downgrade my statcounter account to just barely above free and facepalming because I forgot that means I'll have to reload all those tracker codes now on the projects that are still left. I'll do it later. Not in the mood. I've reduced it so far down now, once the big year thing I paid for last spring expires (practically infinity data logs), it'll be like weaning off any other addiction. I just need to stop it.

I looked up billing history on several internet toys. It's no different from other people paying to go to movies or salons or something, but it adds up, and the cost/benefit isn't holding up any more. I'm disillusioned. Meh, it was fun. Moving on.

This background is animated, really cool.

I'm 4 days into reducing my coffee intake, too. Yowza, you say. Yes, I say, I'm a glutton for punishment. I love torturing myself. Sweet caffeine withdrawal headache all weekend. Noticed this fall I had ramped up to 4-5 cups a day (plus coffee ice cream), so I'm working on holding back down at 2 cups in the morning and half a cup at noon. Really need to get back to one cup a day. Grabbing coffee at all hours is a sign I'm not managing my nutrition and sleep very well.

I finally wiped my history since I got Jawn last January. 17K+ items, not including temp files. Wiped those, too. My deep cleaning is off the hook this week.

Bunny has a tonsillectomy in less than 2 weeks. After that fixed point in time, everything in our lives will revolve around recovery, Christmas, and whatever the week between Christmas and New Years holds. I am doing everything in my power to brace for impact.

At any rate, the new bathroom rugs are now down, everything else washable has been stripped and the last of it runs through today, once my kitchen floor is done, I'm going down the minecraft hole for awhile. The only things left will be 1- light remodel/restructure of counter surfaces for holiday (that doesn't sound at all light, does it?), and 2- menu planning. My fridge is BARE.

Side note- Anyone thinking of getting me sox this year, please donate sox to homeless shelters. They need them way more than I do. Thank you.

I'm a euphoric crab. Let's see, what can we find to appease me so I'll get off here and get busy again...

The Girl Who Lived

From my Fear and Loathing collection, a wallpaper made by yours truly many years ago.
Clicks to my photobucket where you can download original size.
Feel free to hotlink and use my bandwidth.
Happy Holidays.

Timehop, lol.

Though I rarely whine on twitter, yea verily, I got caught and was duly admonished for this tweet complaining that I couldn't find a shark ornament while I was running errands around town. Steve lives by the ocean and immediately hooked me up with online shopping. Click this snip for awesome shark ornament acquisition opportunities.

So if I had that kind of money, I'd make a shark-only Christmas tree hung upside down from the ceiling. Get it? Treenado. Or whatever. Sharknado Christmas tree. K, was worth a try. Somebody go do that, I can't find any online, which means no one is doing it. IT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

Today is a GOOD day for me and my loved ones, no matter what else happens because of the girl who lived. Yes, I love saying that because of Doctor Who, plus Amy had red hair, too.

That title has a double meaning for us. When I wrote that post a couple of years ago about the girl who lived, it was a 'suicide post' for people with depression. I wasn't very good at writing about it, but that was the first peek that friends got online at something very real ongoing on in my life, although I didn't say at the time exactly what. Anyway, 12-1-11 is the day she was plowed really hard in a crosswalk after work and we nearly lost her, and even though things are still really hard for her, she's still with us, and because she's still here, so is another little guy in this world. He will be one in January.

This was his mommy a little over 8 years ago, originally uploaded to youtube on March 12, 2007. This video got me through so much of my own stuff, I can't even tell ya. This kid is my hero. She's been through way more than I ever have, and so terribly young through it all, and she's still hanging in there.

moves like Peyton effing Manning

Hour of stretching, warm up, and workout so I can bend- check

Kaspersky accidental double account disentanglement drop off and auto renew- check

#SnarkFF lineup set against @PinkHairFloosie- check

Fed @bonenado BIG BREAKFAST in between his zipping around in high speed because his fantasy baseball team (baseball has been on the TV for 2 hours already this morning), 4 fantasy football teams, two survivor pools, a national pick the winning team for a vacation to Hawaii lotto, and still needing to activate RedZone (omg & get a free week!), and crunch time because we don't know if Bunny is coming over- check



I love autumn. Every weekend is like a party/holiday. This clicks out to a nice wallpaper/theme site.

Last night was a riot. The movie is totally worth going back to just to watch the closed captioning, which is so way off that between the gang snarking in chat and the crazy weird translation gaffes, I couldn't stop laughing the whole time. I've got this set as my wallpaper now. Click for full size.

I'm not going to be able to be a sitting down person at all today, so this is it, if you don't see me on the twitters or elsewhere, I just gotta keep moving.

love you just a little too much

click for wallpaper

I've run across a few writer blogs with posts about how one handles more than one project at a time, and how that can refresh a person, etc blah blah. Then I talked to @bonenado about what if, and he indicated he'd really like to see my favorite super secret exciting scifi one get done. Plus I've got a group project for another scifi on indefinite hold, and notes for several more that venture into other genres. I still think this one needs to get done first, but if I wind up reclusing, I'll keep a rotation plan in mind.

more wallpapers

I have somewhat jested for years I need a handler. Nobody ever knows what I mean. I've already been through the torture, even if it was haphazard and mostly unintentional or subconscious. I've already trained myself to super focus. A person could even make a case for mild twinning and that's why I feel so lost all the time. All I know is that pulling all the splinters back together has been every bit as challenging as everything else I've ever gone through. Doing it on my own... well, let's just say that I didn't hear Scott walk in the door after a day out with mama and Bunny yesterday, and if he'd been any closer when I ran into him around a corner, I'd have been able to deck him into a wall. It was funny and we laughed, but PTSD is no joke, and the adrenaline that shot through me in nanoseconds made me feel kinda shaky for a few minutes. Even after all these years, I know if I snap I would be able to take someone out in a very nasty way. Spending so much time over the last several months crunching my stuff into a readable format is doing things to my head. Every little bit I step back with my head whirling, thinking that was real. So many things I never told my psychologist...

more awesome wallpapers

Today I'm fleeing into Lexx. I'm sad that particular love is so neglected and I have several little projects there on hold, as well. I just need a break. Giggy is getting impatient about getting her character post. Not Ellen-Giggy, the Giggy in my head. I know people see me tweet with Ellen sometimes, but like I've said before somewhere buried in all my posting, Mark Hamill doesn't exist in a galaxy long ago and far, far away. By the way, when Ellen let go of the @giggerota handle on twitter, I grabbed it so someone couldn't turn it into something smutty. Really get tired of parody accounts that ruin the character. If Ellen ever wants it back, it's hers. Until then, it's just going to sit there ignoring troll bait.

and even more wallpapers

I woke up with this song in my head. I think it really bothered me that I was so ready to hurt Scott yesterday before I realized it was him. I've been so very lucky having him for a best friend. His patience with me surpasses anyone I've met, and we laugh a lot. You guys who've seen Sherlock, you realize John is his handler, right, because Mycroft can't control him. Irene butting in was a mess. She was trying to break from her own handler (Moriarty) who had her handling a whole ring of powerful people. Everything you see around you, when you open your eyes, is a heirarchy of handlers, like a tupperware sales pyramid. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for the majority of us regular people, but too many cooks around a pot messes up the meal. Irene messed Sherlock up. Then when John got married, Sherlock lost his handler and went off in a very dangerous direction, which has left us hanging for s4, because the sociopath finally did become a murderer, even if it was to protect his best friend/handler. People who don't know what it's like not being able to have/keep friends might not be able to realize how deep that kind of relationship can go emotionally, and how easily a person like that can step over a very big line. Or maybe they can. Maybe that's why the world loves Sherlock.


Afterthought- It's funny no one ever brings up John being a sociopath/murderer, as well. I have deep respect for John. You people thinking I'm crushing on Sherlock probably completely miss the whole John thing in my Sherlock posts. Or maybe you don't. Maybe you already see what Sherlock sees in John.

Lexx m'a fait stupide

K, I don't even know what to do with this. Not sure what bothers me more, that he's pink or that I found him in a 'pink goth' search. Someone spent quality time working on this one, which probably makes the rest of my day incredibly successful no matter how many times I fall on my face.

This, too, came up in the same 'pink goth' search, and I'm torn between being disturbed over these search parameters and wondering how far I live from Hayti and whether there is more cool weird stuff over there.

*wow* Not pink, but *wow*. That clicks to a page full of death guitars.

I find more pink and black in 'pink emo', and although I love the color smash, the whole vibe just isn't me, so moving on. This is the best I can get this morning on 'pink death horse' but the address it came from is so corrupted that I had to reconstruct the original site address, which I did, yay, so click for awesome wallpapers.

 You actually have to scroll down to this and click it to get the full size wall of this pic I just posted. I did that, totally safe, worth the extra step.

Oh what the heck, one more before I get busy on chores.

Now we need a jam. Have an awesome day!