Header snip originally from giphy, added onto to by other enthusiastic fans, and then I took it through memedad.
-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Friday, June 23, 2017

swearing off


I can't even describe the weird sick nerve headache I got all over my body about 30 minutes after my body discovered the quarter chip of baclofen was all it was getting. Thank goodness it passed or I'd be curled up in a ball. I've been on a quarter pill for 4 days after a half pill a day for a week, and 3/4 before that, etc. That's how super med sensitive I am. I can't even just drop off, I have to grain it down like I did getting off benzo meds. I'm doing my best not to pile drive my face into a food mound. I poured the coffee out after my second cup so I wouldn't go after a caffeine substitute.

That was yesterday. This is today.

Accidentally deleted the rest of that with a slash maneuver instead of shift. My right pinky is so klutzy.

Last night's shock is still ripping around my head. I think we can agree she was the best of our twitter gang, and the least deserving of an early fate. I think it's hitting us older ones a little differently because she's the same age as our own kids, and with her baby only a year old, all the meemaw feels. I appreciate P letting us know. A lot of people just delete all their stuff and/or disappear without anyone knowing what happened.

#Snarkalecs. Always.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Atlantis


This think review is the original, which I'll be copying to SyfyDesigns here.

Pix click back to sources. Ancient Aliens screenshots from my TV will click back to their History Channel episodes that were broadcast.


Very early on coming back out public, I was picked up by a little gang who did Stargate Atlantis (SGA) watches in a chatroom at SyfyDesigns. Stargate Atlantis is the second series in the Stargate franchise, a natural continuation of Stargate SG-1, and a precursor to understanding Stargate Universe. The franchise was based on an original movie that came out on 1994, which itself appeared after a long dry spell in scifi in the movie industry. Despite initial boos from critics, the Stargate movie, a French-American film originally released through MGM, won a number of awards and is considered a break-through film.

Of course, Stargate Atlantis is based on the legends and myths of Atlantis that we have around the globe, and just as SG-1 reimagined and explained the reality and science behind our myths of all the gods throughout human history, SGA reimagined and explained the reality and science behind the legend of Atlantis, which turns out to be a very real city that once existed on earth, but actually built like a spaceship that could pick up and leave, and wound up deep beneath an ocean on a planet in another galaxy. An SG team is sent to investigate after discovering clues on Earth, and the series rolls out from there.


The entire Stargate premise starts out with and heavily relies on pyramids, circular stargates, and loads of symbols. While the show looks to be about the gods that star in our myths, the undercurrent is always about the gates themselves, the advanced technology, translating the symbolism from other languages, and how our world militaries learn to cooperate while building trust and relationships with other races of beings in our universe. There are good guys and bad guys, ultimately explorations in points of view since good and bad become smeared, and also the gods themselves, but this kind of stuff happens in scifi shows across the board, so I'm ignoring it here. I'm not going to discuss characters and plots and the entertainment industry. Rather, I'm going to discuss reality and how fiction fits into it, particularly the Stargate franchise and our Atlantis myths.

Our Earth has real pyramids. Lots of pyramids. Lots and lots of pyramids. Just about anywhere you go on our planet, we have pyramids. Sometimes they're called mounds or temples, but oftentimes we find that they are really pyramids. The funny thing about these pyramids is that they seem to line up with constellations, they seem to lay along ley lines, and they have been permeating cultures time out of mind. They are utterly mysterious, making no sense, relics seemingly without purpose, and if you're keeping up with the archaeological sciences at all, they are turning out to be very, very cool.

The creepy thing about the Stargate franchise is that they were using pyramids complete with accoutrements for entertainment before some of these things showed up in very real science. While Star Trek gets a lot of credit for pre-inventing our modern tech, pyramid discoveries are flying under the public radar, and they're way bigger than automatic sliding doors and cell phones. If you were to check on all the latest pyramid science buzz going on around the globe and then go back and watch the entire Stargate franchise, the hairs would go up on your arms and neck. Real life is getting spookier and way more entertaining than all the scifi out there. Guys, we are living it.


Right off the bat, I want to bring up the SG-1 episode where a scifi show called Wormhole X-treme is based on the Stargate program using leaked info, and "The Air Force had decided that while being a breach of secrecy, the show could prevent any future leaks of information about the Stargate program from being taken seriously." This is not a new idea. I grew up alongside the entire Star Trek franchise, and I'm not the only person in the world who feels like it was a great way to not only get ideas out across all borders and boundaries, but lead the way into a new kind of world cohesion in the form of fandoms. I don't know whether that was intentional, but I believe it certainly is now as I watch world sync happening over the Doctor Who and Marvel franchises. Entertainment is leading the way in a new kind of world citizenship like human history has never before seen, and at its roots it started with television shows about star travel.

I'll interject that some of you know I also grew up in a household heavily steeped in end-time prophecy, UFOs, conspiracy theories, numerology, and Atlantis was among that. Because I'm trained from childhood, it's probably natural that I come to the conclusions I do, but I want to make sure we don't beg the question. Which comes first, conspiracy theories or mysteries? Because the conundrums are out there. Blowing off the conspiracy theories doesn't make the very real conundrums in human developmental history go away, and it's very interesting that the conspiracy theories are turning into very lucrative entertainment nowadays, which manages to both plant more seeds in all our brains and callouses us to taking the questions seriously. All we have to say is You watch too much TV.

On SGA, the SGC put together an international team of scientists and a special ops U.S. military team to travel to the lost city of Atlantis in the Andromeda galaxy. The CGI is fantastic and well worth the watch. The wraith were an unexpected twist and I'm still not keen on them, but the idea blossomed into adaptive DNA and from there I was fully on board. It's really too bad the wraith and goa'uld never meet, that could have gotten brutal. At any rate, humans survive all the obstacles and bring Atlantis back to Earth in the end.

So let's talk about Atlantis. The myth is still very real, kept alive through sometimes bizarre enculturations, but some historians do not discount it. Myths have a way of coming alive through archaeology, and we are living in a stellar century for discovery. Our modern tech and equipment are getting better, our dating techniques are getting better, our historical analysis is finally getting better as different science fields collide and integrate, and most of all, our world sharing in real time is phenomenal. We've never been able to put so many minds to so much work on the same things all at the same time like this before. All these things are very real and ongoing, so to say entertainment is creating a bunch of dismissible hooey is very misleading and exactly what it's there for. One of the big concerns with discovery is how disruptive the truth would be to society, right? We hear it all the time in fiction shows- hide the truth so we don't freak people out. But still they keep freaking us out with some really wild and crazy entertainment, and we're taking that just fine, so I feel like entertainment is either being used to callous us, or it's being used to slide truth under our radars. That's right, a conspiracy theory about entertainment itself. It's not new, guys. I heard conspiracy around entertainment as far back as The Electric Company being used to brainwash the next generation (now your grandparents), starting from childhood, so this is really old stuff. Personally, I'm not against using entertainment to brain train, although it's simultaneously breaking down barriers and building up other barriers, so it's a bit confusing, and part of the growing pains I talk about in other places.


One of the biggies lately is The Curse of Oak Island on the History Channel. That is one of the top ten conspiracy theories worldwide, ranking just under Atlantis and the pyramids. The myth behind Oak Island is that the Templar Knights hid something down a shaft that is so difficult to get to that it's taking years, millions of dollars, and industrial equipment trying to get down there. I'd say this borders on Atlantis frenzy. Growing up, I can't tell you how many times conspiracy theorists erupted with We found Atlantis! and it always fizzled out. Well, Oak Island is still going. It's not fizzling out.

Along the way to archaeological findings are weird conundrums, like some kind of tech in seriously wrong layers of time, which creates all new time travel conspiracy theories, or threatens to shred the human development timeline that anthropologists have already set up. This is nicely explained away in TV shows like Stargate Atlantis, of course, but the fact is that these conundrums still exist whether a TV show makes them up or not. What's creepy, honestly, is when fictionalized TV shows predict real life before real life happens, like an entire franchise spending years brain prepping us for the latest revolution in archaeological thinking, and here is where I intro Ancient Aliens.


Before I go any further, I can't help interjecting that so much of our own space program shares the same project names with entertainment companies, and all these names are from gods that come from the stars. Something to think about. I can't help thinking that documentary style archaeology is supplemental to fiction in a way that continues toward specific concepts being seeded into our minds, since one show is produced by a company that has the same name as a spaceship in another show, and I could really go to town with this if I dragged pop music into it seeming to use prompted buzz words across a number of artists and song titles, like 'satellite'. One could argue that these are all common anyway and therefore not coincidental. I say fine, let's move on.


Ancient Aliens is a documentary series consisting of a team of scientists and historians from all over the world coming together to work on the conundrum that may be behind all other conundrums and may be finding answers by putting pieces of the entire jigsaw puzzle together in a way never before possible. Now that we have satellite views of earth, space telescopes, world class computing, and millions of brains trained to problem solve, we are going back through all the old conundrums scientifically and remapping our thinking. It's no longer acceptable to brush inexplicable conundrums off with the idea that primitive peoples were actually capable of things our modern technology is not. Embracing that as ludicrous is key to moving forward. I can't help thinking what great timing this is with not only the Stargate franchise, but with.... Minecraft.


I'm about to show you something really funky. If you are a minecraft gamer, all of this already looks very familiar. Our world hosts real archaeological sites filled with giant building blocks. Have we come full circle? What do these sites have in common, and how did they spring up all over the world without technology sync? The repeating patterns are undeniable. I think both Stargate fans and Minecraft gamers can appreciate this kind of significance.













But what really tied it to Minecraft for me was this bit.



Much of Minecraft is about block hardness and grief damage, and one of the three specific common blocks aside from cobble is andesite, which can be polished and used in construction.

Minecraft creator Markus Persson is one of those virtuoso kids, a genius already programming at the age of seven. How in the world did a game even come into being that looks like a mimicry of real life Ancient Aliens sites? I myself live in rugged country near state forests, and I can't get over how realistic this very simple concept is. If one really wants to get into conspiracy, one could also drag modern magic and alchemy into the discussion, which is exactly where Ancient Alien technology sent humans reeling for generations, it would seem. I'm sure this is a very odd coincidence, but it happened, and here we all are noticing it.

Back to Atlantis. These are symbols found on a very real crashed craft that was hushed up for years. No one has ever identified the origin of this craft. What is the point? This meant something to whoever put it there.


One of the mantras of ancient archaeological sites is "as above, so below". Ancient builds across entire continents lay out like constellations. Among the questions that instantly invites are why, how, and who in the world even thought of doing this?



Needless to say, I'm very much enjoying the 12th season of Ancient Aliens, click that to see full episodes yourself. Not paid to link that.

So the obvious question I'm leading up to is- Are the Ancients getting us ready for what's really behind Atlantis through entertainment and gaming? Are we being prepared to become world citizens with plug in jobs that include terraforming, big building, and coding? Will our militaries become work units in much larger collections of travelers, and will our ability to problem solve be the standard by which we level up in a new lifestyle?

Maybe our grandkids will have the answers to all this. By then we could all be plugged into the Matrix and never know the difference. For all we know, Atlantis could simply be Earth, lost to the heavens beyond, which cryptically brings up even more scifi shows about hunting for the planet of human origin. Why else would we be fought over and protected from catastrophic events in ancient history? And better yet, why are we so obsessed with it for so many generations if none of this holds an inkling of truth? It's almost like we keep being prompted to remember...

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

the boss of all of us


Well, isn't this just cute. Woke up to my Google search bar being on front screen of my phone and all my apps rearranged, so I just put things back the way I wanted. Booted Jawn up and G+ is on my main toolbar now. Interesting, I had pulled a G+ app out of a folder onto my front page phone screen last night, so I guess apparently I gave Google my permission to walk in and own all my tech, even though the only thing I've synced is accounts, NOT my tech. I said a long time ago that Google will eventually own our coffee, too, so remember I called that on April 18, 2015.

If you want these lyrics in English, go to the youtube description and paste it into translate. I found it apt, plus I love the original 'Lemmings' style music kind of hidden in the song until nearly the end and suddenly you hear it around 3:20.


Tuesday, June 20, 2017

vigils galore


An example of proper emergency awareness spelling- The residents at that residence are under a tropical storm warning. Just pointing out that that an emergency preparedness post alerting residence to storm vigilance might want to make sure the residents know it's about their persons, not their properties. No biggie, just flipping through the medias keeping an eye on county and metro alerts going over my Batman. Might be having a storm watch party, I seem to know a number of people scattered between me and all along the Gulf Coast.

So I started another singleplayer while I wait for a couple of the moc server worlds to go through pregen, and so far I've made it clear to the nether with moc mobs in survival only and not once have I died or tp'd, although I finally got tired of the creepers and turned mob griefing off. I've logged over 900 hours on that multiplayer server since the update in January, and I've done so much hands on build from scratch under duress that I don't even think about mode switching any more even on my own private worlds. It's been about a year and a half since I leapt off the twitter train compulsion into the brain glitchy madness of living in a server (you know it's bad when you actually think "I'm hungry" and then grab a 'snack' out of your inventory and keep playing...), and I know some of you are yawning and some of you are going oh thank god she's off her Sherlock kick now (I'm not) and some of you are just done with me because I left the twitters, but I am sooooo not gone.

#transparency Real life stuff, yo. Tropical Storm Cindy has officially set off Houston Metro warning bells, so meemaw nerves. Also, many big feels hither and yon as one family extension is feeling the loss of a loved one, another is pending with complications rippling around family members helping (I saw a pic of that knee gash, yowza, how do you even still have a kneecap, man O_O), and the other family stuffs sprinkled around the facebooks, and is June just a hard month, or what? Seems like it always is for me, and naturally I'm getting my days all wrong for weeks now because I always do that this time of year between Mother's Day and my mom's birthday. Just today I had a sudden jolt at an expiration date on a package of baby back ribs in the fridge, omg how did I let them sit that long, oh yeah we wound up switching up the Father's Day thing with another family thing, so our BBQ got moved, but if I don't wanna chuck that entire package I'd better cook those up TODAY, because the 7th was ages ago, surely they're still ok sealed like that, and yes, they cooked up beautifully and none of us are sick at all. But it wasn't until after we'd eaten that the date on the package finally got through to the other side of my brain and I realized that 7-7 isn't 6-7, because this is June, not July. *burp* Oh, well, it was delicious.

It's funny, I'm to the point of having some difficulty even speaking sentences out loud this evening (autie brain), but I can casually fling off a witch and her pet spiders while I dismember a zombie while I outrun a silver skelly while I flay a werewolf on my way back to the chest I dumped all my lapis in while I'm hauling my whole stash of diamonds and obsidian around because I'm an idiot determined to get that enchanting table made. Things were a bit slow until I realized the only way I was going to get a bow was to stay off the bed and get some spider string, got the bears and big cats cleared out, or none of that dodging around in the dark would've worked at all. I think the flame wraiths and manticores are a bit slower in singleplayer, but I probably just jinxed myself and watch me die 40 times tomorrow. At any rate, I seem more capable of the logistics of hauling buckets of lava around danger zones than I am of keeping track of my personal planner, so here we are 2/3 the way through June and last week I thought it was still May and today I mistook it for July, so I guess I'm in my usual zone.

Monday, June 19, 2017

swimming in the kool-aid

Started last night.

Hello again
How are you doing
What do you want from me?
A new beginning
A magic ending

And then I woke up. I never found out what the last line in the stanza was, probably something about to rhyme with 'me'. It was a simple song, light piano, kind of like it was being sung on stage, young female voice in semi darkness. It's occurring to me that the reason I'm not fond of musicals is because I go through processing my life as musicals so often in my dreams. Some of them are cool, though. Beats dreaming in cartoon. I've done that a few times, it's unimaginably creepy realizing my brain can adapt me into a 2D medium like that. The minecraft dreams are awesome, like the entire world really is minecraft, but apparently tonight was musical night.

I'm still in very slow med taper, and even though I got 100 on my sleep score last night, tonight is horrible because I cut the dose a little again today and I'm hurting all over and it keeps waking me up in weird ways. I know it's nerve receptor pings making my brain feel things too much, getting the day's processing mixed up with real life sensations. It's not real, yet real enough to drive me out of bed over the suckage.

The obvious move would be to just take the stupid dose and feel better, but the side effects have gotten so ridiculous over the last 6 weeks that I really can't wait to be done with this stuff. I rarely get edema, usually from meds messing me up, and I certainly didn't have it before I started this one. A month of not realizing it was screwing my blood sugar is very slowly cleaning back up, and since that kind of stuff affects skin and hair on top of turning my inside fluids into a syrupy glue (visual for all you diabetics out there still eating junk and brushing off your A1Cs), that means everything in my body is having to clean house, and stuff like that typically takes about 3 months. Also, this is the closest I've ever come to feeling like I could develop congestive heart failure, which would be even bigger suck, so yeah, this med screwed me. I can take a little taper withdrawal, but not without torturing you guys along with me.

I haven't checked pinterest in awhile. I know people live in there and never come out, but is 22.5K monthly views normal/average for a really dormant account? I think I've pinned about 5 things in the last 6 weeks. I'm having a hard time believing that's a real view count.


I see they've spiffed up their analytics since I checked last, oh what, maybe a year and a half ago? At least.


Ah, yes. "Impressions." We all know what I think of impressions. Not actual eyes on, but the possible eyes on that could have seen these pins via certain feed parameters being engaged.


So that makes my top pin this month being a Star Wars pin more credible. Out of 12K 'impressions' it got 65 actual saves.

I still can't believe this one is my all-time most saved/shared pin, and even has 30 comments. But yeah, nailed me. (Scorpio)


This one has always been my most clicked. I loaded it myself, and the stat thingy says this pic is on 5.99K boards now. It has nearly 9000 total impressions since 5 years ago (I actually dated it in the description) and 40 saves in the last 30 days. Pinterest has labeled it a 'rich pin'.


This one had twice the impressions and triple the saves over the last 30 days, but it's not a 'rich pin'.


And I'm bored now. I took a real pain pill, the ibuprofen kind. I haven't had one in about 3 weeks because my doctor pulled me off these, too, but at least it's not addictive and it's helping cut the extra chatter down to a mild nausea. Maybe I can sleep now...

And now it's today.

I have a very long day. Moved a chiro appointment 3 times, so I'm long overdue. Then I broke a tooth (don't worry, no pain) while my dentist was on vaca and I got a call yesterday that they had a cancellation and can get me in today, and thankfully all this stuff is in the same town so I won't have to run all over creation. May as well hit the Walmart over there while I'm at it.



My head has been like Cirque du Soleil nearly this whole year already, and whatever I'm treading in feels more like a big mess from the Kool Aid Man tripping and spilling himself all over my world. My queue of work to do online is petrifying into glyphnotes. Get it? Glyphnotes. Nevermind.

Anyway, my jetsetting crew is healthy, we're past nearly all the big holiday stuff, I'm actually looking forward to 4th of July, and hopefully all other transitions about to hit go smoothly and the tech hangs in there through it all.

Time to go fix a tooth. Ignore this cover frame, the entire thing is a megamix of artists and WoW.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

I should be nature blogging

This is wussup in between the storms here. Sunny days are actually pretty rare this year and no guarantees whatsoever. You drive up the road without an umbrella on a pretty day, joke's on you hauling groceries back home.

I love my yucca. It's grown into a twin, but this is my fave in my whole yard. It's at least 7 feet tall now.


I'm kind of allergic to Queen Anne's Lace, but it's beautiful and I love seeing it. This one is up to my chest. That's right, so is that grass. Too bad I don't have a buncha money to buy that lot across the road and stick a buffalo in it, but we're zoned against livestock anyway. *le sigh*


The butterfly bushes are popping out. There's a massive purple one in the background that hasn't bloomed yet that makes the whole yard smell like someone spilled a vat of honey.


The gladiolas normally pop out right around a week or two before the 4th of July, like nature's fireworks, just a tad early this year, like the irises being done before Mother's Day instead of just in time for it like they usually are.


Duking it out with Kaspersky, two browsers, and an update that only took one second once I figured it out, in the meantime was like pulling teeth just loading 4 pix for 30 minutes from two different devices. Not sure why that didn't slow me down earlier when I slit a vein and wrote out a full confession in blood. (That's writer talk. I didn't really slit a vein or write anything in blood. That would've screwed up my keyboard.) Whatevs. I have no regrets. *other mes slapping me behind the screen* Just hurry up and world sync the tech already, these corporate wars grinding my tech incompatibilities to a standstill are getting really stupid.

I'll be in Valhalla if anyone needs me. Unless the internet keeps browning out from all this rain.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

summer syllabus

I couldn't settle on one. I love them all. Click to get lost in snake memes.

Started this yesterday.


I finally ran into the Pinky Guerrero porn stuff. In Google search, the name Pinky Guerrero lists that particular site at the bottom of the 4th page. You'd think it would rank higher, but the 10 seconds I saw looks so mediocre that I nearly laughed. Page 1 is me and other Pinky alternating all the way down the page. She ranked very top spot, which is reasonable since a career is on the line, and I applaud that. I'd almost feel guilty enough to let my own Pinky stuff go except that then she'd be all alone with the Pinky porn stuff and no one stopping it from infiltrating her own ranking, probably landing it on page 2. What really cracks me up is a convo between me and @Vodstok ranking higher than the Pinky porn. I'm uber failing to tweet very well this spring, and that 3 1/2 year old convo still ranks higher than porn.

THAT cheered me up. I'm not exactly in a funk, just really tired, I think.

So yeah, I made a syllabus for the summer since I'm all spoonie jetsetter and doing the fail thing a little too regularly. You know, forget to wash a load of clothes after I specifically say I'm going to and then articles of clothing that we need are NOT cooperatively happy to make our worlds brighter, and my brain hammers me the rest of the day with YOU HAD ONE JOB. Entire days just fall right out of my brain. I'm not sure how Tuesday was suddenly Friday (but not Sunday?) even though I distinctly remember Wednesday and Thursday but they feel like last week, and really? Tomorrow is Saturday? Are you sure it's not Sunday?

I worked very hard for inch by inch progress over 5 years of physical therapy, and 2017 is this big backslide positioning itself at the top of a gravelly mountain and I can feel myself starting to slip. I got my arms back, and guess what, I'm losing arms again. I controlled that nasty sciatica flare and guess what, it's back. I regained so much freedom from neck pain and guess what, I can barely tolerate laying down again and I'm still exhausted enough to zonk right through 4 straight hours without an eyeblink (and no pills to help me do that). So I thought awhile and put all my skills and tools to work- assessed all the things, wrote out a care plan (I'm trained to assess and write out care plans, a nice thing to remember when I'm not too busy playing minecraft), and then wrote out a daily plan around that, basically segmentalized (blogger doesn't believe that's a real word) time slots for things that need to get done. These time slots include-

  • at the very top of the priority list, an hour of purposeful DOWN TIME with elevated feet, complete relaxation techniques, and lower core maintenance
  • an hour of basic chores around the house
  • an hour of mild activity not related to work of any kind, like walking, stretching, core work, nerve glossing
  • an hour of TV (I usually never watch TV during the day, so that pulls me away from the computer, which is notorious for spinal problems)
  • an hour of media presence maintenance, includes accounts and dotcoms maintenance
  • an hour of random organizing apart from chores, including money and calendar sync and spaceship space reallocation (clearing counters and drawers, etc), playlist rescues

That is 6 hours. That makes room for appointments and shopping if I have a day in town, a nap if I need one, handling extra stuff like a phone call, other unplanned things.

Right, you noticed minecraft isn't on the syllabus. 😋 I'm minimizing time on. I didn't realize until I discovered I could insert a stat bar into my blog header that I'm over 800 hours into the Mo Creatures server since it came back up at the beginning of the year. I think that counts afk time, and I do get up quite a bit while the launcher is still going, but it still looks pretty bad. It works out to over a solid month of game time, or if it were divided into 40 hour work weeks, that would be 20 weeks of logging in to work, or 5 months of work. I'm basically spending 40 hours a week logged into a game to keep me sane in between doubling my work and stress load this year. Once I realized that was happening, I automatically started putting time back into actual WORK. Well, you know what I mean. I don't get paid, but I pretend it's time investment toward a wealthy future. I can dream. Dreams are more fun when they're possible.

The really fun part of this dream is that if I can pull off what I hope I can, I've always wanted to buy into a Sonic franchise because I think it would be hella cool to say I own a Sonic. I've had the area picked out for years, and if it got approved I would be considered a major business developer in my area. I checked into requirement specs years ago, standard (when I last checked) is $1M in cash or collateral. I know it's possible to make that if I keep after what I'm building, but things are hard and I feel like I took a few gap months while I handled my brain playing trampoline.

I miss my old routine, but even before all the big changes this spring, I knew I was getting way too comfortable in my rut and becoming nonproductive. I may not be able to handle a lot of stuff, but I can still be productive every day. A bunch of little things over time adds up to a great big thing that can look pretty amazing. Learning to channel this into a process made me feel strong, and letting that slip back away is making me feel very crabby.

So focus is back on recovery and maintenance now that the med problems and pain control have finally been properly taken care of, and with maintenance comes the work again. I love working. I need to work. I dreadfully miss evening television and live tweeting, but I manage to catch up in between minutes here and there, and I'm still here, lurking around.

Now it's today.

Ok, got interrupted, lol. Bunny is my favorite whirlwind. Anyway, was about to say it's time for #Snarkstock2017 and I'd be lurking through the feed, but my evening was immediately capsized and then I realized I was fatigued enough to go to bed early and really SLEEP and maybe I'd better take advantage of that.


One of the requirements medicare has for equipment rental is keeping my sleep score at least 70% every night, and I very rarely slip down to something like 69%, so I'm winning the CPAP game, especially since 7 nights out of 14 are usually over 80% and at least 3 of those in a 2 week time span are over 90%. I haven't slept this much in YEARS. *I like it.* I still can't imagine sleeping 8-10 hours a day like some of you insist is mandatory or your day sux, but the whole 4-6 hours on CPAP and sometimes another 2 hours after that sans mask is changing my universe into something a bit more congenial. That does NOT mean I'm easier to talk to or my mood swings have lessened. Those are their own challenges, tied to the horrors of existence on a cellular level, but at least sleeping more cuts down on my awareness of that.

Anyway, focusing back on the plan stuff, my original thesis during my Resource Planning degree was very ambitious. My family moved to the Ozarks when I was a teenager, and I've spent years next to Branson and fondly call it my back yard. This is a big tourism area, and my kids grew up working 'on park' (theme parks) and the kind of high traffic retail that comes with tourism. I remarried into a family that migrated from up north, so when I traveled north with Scott and saw Mall of America, THAT became my thesis goal, to write up a proposal for a second Mall of American in the Ozarks (which would have been a huge load of work, possibly leading to a lucrative career), so I obviously think big. I can't help it, I've always been like this. I should be on a star ship mapping galaxies. So it's not really a stretch for me to think it's possible to own a Sonic. It's not a stretch to hope I'll one day be able to travel a bit, fly across the pond, as they say. The hardest part is believing I can do this (whether it comes to pass or not) and continuing to work toward it, even though it's grueling and taking some time. I'd rather work toward something than sit back and let it go, bury myself in something and no one misses me when I'm gone because I was a whiny soul about how life is hard and pain sux and my lot in life is to suffer. That attitude can go blow.

My father-in-law next door is on hospice, very literally on last watch, and he got up this week, made it outside, and tried to kill a big snake. When I'm at death's door, I want to be just like that. I want to get up, haul myself out into danger, and kill the crap out of something scary.

Working on something, this is my fave mood music for a few things. I don't really share what's closest to the vest, but it's a long time coming and I've been hinting for awhile.


Friday, June 9, 2017

on a complicated fence

On a Disney princess scale, I think Bunny fits this pic the best.
Ok, so I'm beaten at my own game for click bait, it's funny and creepy and totally puts me in the hotseat, so here we go, what is really in my head. #transparency

Forgive me for being so slow, but blogger stats are pretty vague, and it took awhile to even notice at first, then took even longer to filter and decipher into probable wussappenings, and now it's just obvious. 7 simultaneous post hits every 45 minutes.



I'm not on enough to catch clean hits very often, but I got an idea few days ago to check real time response, and the turnaround was so fast on Vivendi (never before linked ANYWHERE) while other posts stayed static over many weeks with only minor changes that I guess just whispering on Pinky blog is a big deal.

I've been pretty open with contemplations, personal beliefs, etc, but I have yet to share my trail of thought winding around how it all fits together in my mind. So here we go.

I've stated before a few times that we got Dish specifically to get the Sci-Fi Channel specifically to get Sliders after Fox dropped the show. On MGM on Dish is where I first saw Stargate SG-1 and Lexx originally air in the U.S. I love both shows. When MGM dropped them, they both slid over to the Sci-Fi Channel, and then Friday Prime was born, adding Farscape to the line up.

I've also written across several blogs how I grew up with a doomsday parent, my dad immersing me in end of world prophecies, UFO and other alt-science theories, numerology, but very staunchly biblical aka anti astrology. He believed in stars lining up, but not in them having personal meaning in our lives kind of thing. Along with that, I was hard core trained in debate, chess, and killing to eat from a very young age. By the time I was 12 I could argue rings around people and skunk nearly anyone on a chess board.

My dad has never felt comfortable with my intense draw to science fiction. I love everything about scifi. One of our most candid disagreements was about finding out Ra and the other gods were real characters in Stargate and how that would poison my mind. My dad is the kind of guy who would drop anything to listen to Billy Graham, and he was been freakishly obsessed with the rapture all his life. It consumes him. I finally vaguely confessed on Pinky blog that I think my dad may have been exposed to a brain training technique at a young age, and I based that largely on his memory as a young boy of being warned by church ministers (in the wheat fields of Kansas) about being grabbed by strange men. Don't follow them! Don't listen to them! Many years later I'm finding documentation of Mennonite men being excellent choices for special ops training because they were broken early as children (obey!) and grew up killing. So... maybe my dad has a point. Maybe his obsessions are because of a real thing. Maybe there are a few secrets locked away in there that will go to the grave with him, because no one can pull them out. It's like he's got an automatic switch that takes over, and then we're talking about the rapture again.

I love Star Trek, and one of my most seen posts is a devotion piece to Jim Kirk. I have loved the idea since I was a kid that there could be a World Federation, and that we could put all our resources together to go do much cooler things. I grew up with the entire franchise and it very strongly impacted my life, especially Mr. Spock. Turns out I'm autism spectrum, and I'm pretty sure that's why he became such a hugely popular character. So many of us either naturally identified with him or knew someone like him in real life.

Back to Vivendi. I was working at Kohl's when Lexx was airing on the Sci-Fi Channel, and Kohl's was among the first in the nation to use a satellite show to advertise a dotcom address. Back then that was HUGE. I noticed it immediately, MY store on MY show and the ability for viewers to hop right on the internet and start shopping while they watched TV.

I'm kind of a weirdo, aspienado apparently uses entertainment specs as an autism train obsession, and back then I looked up what was behind this new idea in sales across digital media. (That just sounds cool to me.) Back then the Sci-Fi Channel, along with Universal and others, were owned by the Vivendi company in France. I was fascinated that the French owned American media. Since then they've branched out into telecommunications and gaming, and it's been truly fascinating to watch this growth. Their history is a very long one, going back to the 1800s and now a worldwide power player in everything we all do, so yeah, kind of a big deal.

Vivendi and Lexx are tied in my mind because of how it rolled out like that. It seems indirect, but it's kind of direct.

I've written reams about Lexx. I own everything Stargate and Farscape and Lexx. I've been called a super fan by a number of people. Other prominent super fans interact with me sometimes on other medias.

Back to my stats. I say some very important and kinda deep things on Pinky blog once in awhile, and regular readers have probably caught on I'm not a typical scifi fan, not a typical Christian, not a typical gut reactor to journalism, not a typical neurodiverse person. I don't focus on any particular thing in my blogging but myself and how things related to me and impact me- basically, the path I took getting here. I'm not here to tell anyone how to live, what to do, or where to get off. The closest I get to that is when I say open your eyes.

The world is the way it is. Lotta different people out there fighting to keep things one way or change things into something else. Lotta big feels about who is bad and wrong and lengthy diatribes about why we're right or whatever. Lotta jumble and mirky water out there. Nothing is clear. People choose their focuses and stick to core beliefs they can't philosophically defend, but that doesn't matter becaus the most important thing is always us vs them and we're right, they're wrong.

What if no one is right, and no one is wrong.

What if we're all right, and we're all wrong.

What if the only way we can resolve any of that is to put ALL our brains together.

Mass media is already working on this. World sync and brain training are already happening. Seeing all the things and knowing each other is possible on a scale never before seen in human history. Beneath all the stories in entertainment is a common theme- commit to your people, focus on survival, forgive and love your own, and even join up with the perceived enemy, because the enemy turns out to be just like you, just stuck in a different situation.

There are groups on this planet doing their best to stop this from developing into- what? Human dignity on a world scale? World commerce that easily feeds all the people on the planet? Ease and comfort and health care and education support for everyone? Happiness?

Religious and political wars have been going on continuously time out of mind. Some say this is our natural state. I beg to differ. I'll agree that it's a natural human thing to need to fight to develop and survive, and that first world ennui might have something to do with no longer seeing real blood in our lives, yeah. But that's a superficial answer. The deeper answer to Who am I and Why am I here is How do I belong?

I'm not here to advertise or advocate for a group. Pinky blog isn't not paid or compensated in any way for link sharing. I personally don't endorse ANY decision without deep thought and discussion with loved ones, and I very strongly reiterate to keep reaching out if you need help. Keep talking. All of us need to keep being and doing and talking. No more secrets. Be the person you were born to be.

I have no feelings for or against Illuminati. I grew up with that word because of my dad. A lot of people fear that word, blow it off as a joke or conspiracy, or feel drawn to it like moths. Whatever. All I know is that it's been a part of my life since I was born, even though I'm not a member and I don't personally know of anyone who is. However, now that they have officially come out with websites, my stance on it is that it's a brilliant new way to moralize the church/state conundrum without political and religious affiliation. Modern Machiavelli. And if Vivendi is part of this plan, then you are already part of it too as a digital media consumer.

I've alluded to growing pains on our way to a better world. I see the conflicts in opinions and approach around the world as growing pains. I believe this is going to happen no matter what, it's been happening for a very long time already anyway, and you either get on board with this is just the way the world is going or die a bitter death complaining about everything around you. I don't condone, nor do I look away. It simply is.

The world becoming a better place on our personal level is about US. Who are we right now? What are we choosing to do with each day? How are we treating one another? Are we spreading negativity or love? Are we growing or wilting? Focusing on ourselves is the best way I can see to make the world a better place. Worrying about things we cannot control from where we sit only adds to the frustration and chaos.

I choose to focus on Pinky. Pinky loves scifi and fantasy entertainment. Pinky loves the stories.


Thursday, June 8, 2017

poster child

click for more demotivation
Sorry about yesterday, was running around town and wanted to check something.

Big A++ on my 6 month followup with my sleep doctor. I'm very difficult with med compliance, but it sounds like I'm one of the most CPAP compliant people they've ever seen. Srsly, 2 decades on 6 or less hours of sleep on 90% of nights, and for a number of those years it was 2-4. I was the poster child for 'sleep deprivation won't actually kill you'. I have a will of steel and a healthy fear of dying in my sleep. Y'all fussing about you'd rather die than live with CPAP, your choice, and see you in the next life. I'm busy and I've got things to do.

My summer syllabus is working beautifully so far. I might share it sometime. It's a maintenance aka back on track schedule that commands a rhythm of regular down time, and my fasting glucose this morning is already down to 94. Right? It was 110 ten days ago. Doing this without diabetes meds, guys. Controlling internal environment, balancing incoming chemicals (pain control), I can do this. It's getting more and more obvious that pain referral, while being a tricky bastard, can be tricked itself. Psychoneuroimmunology. You can learn to spell it just as I did. You can also check it out. If you want more in-depth, here is wikipedia.

Thanks to rain gods, fertility goddesses, wood nymphs, and field fairies, the pixie dust around here is obnoxiously high and even worse when it's being thrown about during mowing. Our tiny grasslands nestled all through Mirkwood are as lush as I've ever seen them. Still cranking around the clock on zyrtec and benadryl, and still at least 6 weeks away from ragweed season. This year promises to be a real booger. Get it? Nvrmnd.

Yeah, I dunno wassup with my brain this morning. It seems a bit jolly. Maybe it's the blood sugar coming down. Hope this means my crabby spell is about over.



Wednesday, June 7, 2017

all unfolding before our eyes

Learning to see a much bigger game that is over 1000 years old.



Machiavelli leveling up to wizard

From https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/12/machiavelli-was-right/354672/

Philip Bobbitt positions Machiavelli as the great theorist of the early modern state, the first thinker to understand that if power was no longer personal, no longer exercised by a medieval lord, it had to be moralized, in a new public ethic based on ragion di stato—reason of state.



we


Vivendi

Nothing. Ignore this.

Monday, June 5, 2017

For ppl who NEVER check my blog

Obvs need 2 touch base and today is tough enough to actually think about putting a couple minutes on youtube instead of posting bcuz no internet & doing this on my phone sux.

Yes, for everyone who've been asking for months, I *could* get messenger or use skype or hangouts or twitter, but like I've said a number of times- I suck as a friend. Put that in search along with my name and see where it takes you.

There is nothing I'd love more today than to medicate myself into oblivion, but that's been backfiring lately, so I'm in a sort of prioritized stand down. I know some of you don't get it because I managed to keep tweeting through years of major suckage and I'm just not doing that this year, am I? And we are reaching the point where blogger edit is fighting with my phone, so see ya later.




Friday, June 2, 2017

1000th post

I searched 'pinky turbo 1000'. The internet did not disappoint.

I had a visit earlier today from enjoyingthejourney, much appreciated even though I don't know if that was the blog owner or someone just coming from there. I check out referrals, and some of them have good stuff. This one has a recent post called An Open Secret: Documentary on Hollywood Pedophelia featuring this vid (clicks to IMDB), about an hour and a half long. I generally don't sit through long vids, but I did that one because Corey Feldman cameo'd in it. (Took a few breaks, though.) I mention The Two Coreys in older blog posts at Spaz and Surveypalooza, so this is something I've been aware of for awhile.

Anyway, the last 10 minutes are so powerful, I'm going to quote some of the things people said in it.

"The dream is so important. You know why? Because if you live in this earth, you have to feel something, and the dream makes you feel things. And that's what the power of a dream is, you know? A dream is life."

Evan Henzi: "It's a hard process to go through, the whole court thing, the whole police stuff, but in the long run it's so worth it, because in the long run it really isn't about how long this person will serve time in prison, or getting justice, revenge, and all that. It's more a kind of being able to express yourself and say Look, this happened to me, and I'm going to move on from it, and I'm not going to hide this in my head the rest of my life. And I'm going to maybe possibly learn to make a difference to somebody else by speaking out about it."

Corey Feldman on The View: "I'm saying there are people that were the people that did this to both me and Corey (Haim) that are still working, they're still out there, and they're some of the richest most powerful people in this business. And they do not want me saying what I'm saying right now."
Response from Barbara Walters: "You're damaging an entire industry." wtf, Barbara... 😡😢 (Corey Haim Died Broke & Alone, Says Corey Feldman)

Caroline Heldman: "Ultimately I think that viewers are the only group of power in this situation, because I think that there will always be a steady stream of kids who wanna be famous, of parents who push their children. And this industry, it's interesting how we will go and pay money and support a system which sexualizes children or puts them in situations in films where they're around adults who are engaging in inappropriate things. We would never do that for our own children."

Here is the original song at the end of that documentary.



Ok, some of you guys know how I feel about all this junk, and that even a very well done documentary about the Hollywood child actor sex ring doesn't make me blink. In the documentary they say this is the tip of a very big iceberg. Well, how about that is actually the tiny tip of a very local iceberg that has worldwide connections and commerce. If you've been paying attention to entertainment at all going back to our parents and grandparents, this has always existed. (And seriously, this goes back through human history, this is nothing new at all.) There are people and even families in our first world country who actually have kids to sell them, and this covers every religion, every political camp, every background and point of view. Children are commodities. I'll go so far as to say that hand picked/placed police, judicial, and medical personnel all help keep this network running very smoothly, case in point, how many people in Hollywood have access to so many prescriptions to use on other people. And no, I don't say this because I watch too much conspiracy drama on TV.

Until humans decide that it sucks for everyone to keep paying for commodities made out of other humans who are stripped of all their rights, threatened regularly with punishment or death if they don't cooperate or keep secrets, and drugged to be controlled, then none of this will change. And anti-sex people aren't off the hook. As long as militant religions can burn their wives and daughters for kindnesses to strangers, this world will never know peace. As long as people can mutilate their children and force them through rituals that break them down into obedient robots in the names of belief systems, there will be no 'faith in humanity restored'.

Before I forget, I'd like to challenge older adults in entertainment who made such a big deal stepping up for religion and politics to actually start helping these younger actors with the finger pointing. Pretty sure some of you have been groomed yourselves, even the super straight ones who are so careful not to rock more of the boat than you absolutely have to while you're rocking it on politics and religion.

I've had a long, crabby week, so it's fitting that my thousandth post be especially crabby. I'm really ticked at Barbara for responding like that.

I need distraction.

shut up!

And the self recrimination continues. I know that ultimately I bring all my woes on myself, and that making a game of it backfiring on me is what I get for being sloppy.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

the room

One of those days where the 3 different crucially unstoppable without supervised tapering meds I'm on are conspiring to make everything worse and every jot and tittle of my entire life's collection of regrets is rerunning through a screen I'm locked in a room with and can't turn off.

One of the interesting things I go through on days like this is suddenly seeing sharply where before something was blurred, and I horribly understand the mistakes I've made in relationships, like trusting and, you know, trusting. I trust people to get to know me, and somehow, somewhere, somewhen, that becomes a sort of misappropriation that sideswipes me and tips my world over. When I'm not locked in the little room like this, I don't see ANY of this. When I'm in here, and I'm always alone in my head when this happens, there is no way out.

I know there are people who live like this all the time, because their depression is pretty bad, and from the outside it looks like self sabotage and you can't stop them from believing all the lies they're seeing on the screens in their heads in their locked rooms that they can't escape. I have been very fortunate to have an escape hatch through some of my life, and that is simply having a reflex that cuts all that off. There is a way out of that terrible room, but it's unconventional. I think that is where my psychologist would point out the narcissism comes in.

I think I read this story, but the picture in my mind is so vivid I almost think I saw it on TV. But I can't seem to connect it to anything, so maybe I did read it. A man was trapped in a small room, like a box, with no escape. All the sides and top and bottom were smooth with no openings. There was no way to break through, no way to contact anyone. He could only exist inside that box, with the proviso that if he could find a way out, some kind of wish would be granted and he would never be caught like that again. After some time, that room was discovered empty, and when the man was found again and asked how he did that, he laughed and said he thought long and hard and eventually realized the box was not always there. Since his existence in the box was forever, he figured out that technically the only way he could move was backward and forward in time. He went backward to before the box was built. No one had ever thought of that before.

If anyone reading this actually knows that story, please put it in comments. I'd love to read it again, but I don't remember who wrote it. I think it was part of a collection of short stories.

I can usually sort of do that with that room in my head that sometimes makes me feel trapped. There is a way to just flip it inside out in my mind and it no longer exists. The depression still exists, but I'm able to cobble my day together, sometimes only a moment at a time, but I'm getting very good at not being trapped in it. Once in awhile, though, I have a really hard time doing that, and then here comes that screen and the reruns and the highlights I missed about what was really going on when I wasn't paying attention or the world was looking too blurry to catch it at the time.

When I'm not in that little room, I don't care about any of that stuff. I figure half of what I feel most of the time is pure chemical imbalance anyway, so why fret about it? If it's a wonky brain thing to be like this, I can usually just set it aside and do what I want, even if it's very restricted and I can't really do much. I can still choose it. But for awhile today, I was stuck. The only way out was to start writing.

Why do brains do that? Why do they rerun stuff and make us look at the things that make us feel terrible? I've wondered for a long time what the positive evolutionary adaptation of that happening to all of us sometime in our lives could be, because I see nothing positive about it. Why are we so good at feeling guilty or self recriminate or seethingly and self pityingly accusatory when we wind up in that little room? What is it about living under that kind of self torment that makes or breaks us?

I know who I am. I know what I want. I know what I need, who I love, and how to manage my life. But when I'm trapped in that little room, all of that becomes muddled and questionable and possibly even unreal, a sort of fabrication or dream, a lie that we tell ourselves when reality just really super sucks. But then when we're not trapped in that little room, we can see it for what it is, its own great big lie in a stewpot full of uber negative emotions. It's like a special sort of hell that we fall into and have to find our way out again, like a changing maze or labyrinth, and oftentimes the only way we can manage that is with some kind of medication and loads of support from people we can't see that we are repelling.

What gets really stupid is when medications tip you into that hell room and lock the door. Surprise! There've been a number of times that what got me through the day was realizing early on it might be the meds I'm on for something else, and then I can watch the clock and hang on to a countdown till those meds are more out of my system.

I am currently on THREE meds that I absolutely cannot stop taking cold turkey without winding up in a hospital for something very serious. Top of the list is the kind of seizures that can kill you, and right under that is psychotic episodes. Wheeeee. I'm in a little hell room on meds that can make me psychotic, yay!!!

I'm not very nice on days like this. I'm also not very good at juggling convos on the internet like this. And this is on top of autism spectrum. I reached a point earlier today where cognitively I could barely even function enough to write a short reply back in a game chat.

When I am like this, the best thing anyone can do is just hang out with me. I have a friend who is an expert at that, and today was fun because there were experiments blowing up zombies going on, and I enjoyed just seeing the reverb roll up in the chat. It was the perfect distraction. I have other friends and friends of friends who wanted to try to help me do something complicated, and for some reason when stuff like that comes up, it's always a right now drop everything else I'm doing multiple convos kind of thing, and there is just no way any of us would have survived that without me mutilating a few people. There is absolutely nothing anyone can do to help me fix that, and although it's very natural for people to want to jump in and be helpful, mowing me over in the process without understanding what I'm having to process through will only end in weeping and gnashing of teeth on my end. Every time. So the best thing I could do was keep telling people thanx but maybe not right now, keep my head down, and ignore the sad feeling overwhelming me because even though I'm in the middle of whatever, I'm actually the one being left behind, and no one understands that.

I'm coming off of one of the cruddiest weekends I've had in months, one of the emotionally toughest couple of months I've had in awhile, during one of the most challenging med years I've had in ages. I mean, good thing I'm in as good a shape as I'm in to handle all this, because I'm walking an edge that would have flatlined me a few years ago, and I'm not joking. That's not a joke.

I don't interact well on bad days. Some people know me well enough to say I can go downhill pretty fast even on good days. Yeah, I write millions of words, but I think maybe 6 people have ever heard how fast I can crash and burn over a phone just trying to have a real-time convo with one person. Now imagine an autism spectrum person living with a nerve disorder in her clumsy arms and hands and severe depression on a high pain day and meds going wonky trying to type quickly enough in two different group chats and one or more private messages while all the words are rolling (thank goodness I'm a speed reader) to have meaningful interchange with people who are shortcutting their thought processes and carrying on several other convos themselves while they multitask. It's almost absurd that I can kind of fake keeping up with all that. Throw in a misread or missed sentence, someone bypassing direct interaction with me and hooking me up with someone else who was told I need assistance with something I'd already told 2 other people I won't be doing right away, and there I go, full blown aspienado balking to a dead stop asking for more detailed info on who said what where and why, and alla sudden I'm a bad guy and no one's talking to me.

At least, that's what it feels like.

Enter little room from hell.

I won't share what went through my mind in there. I'm just glad I caught it as quickly as I did. The meds I'm on are a very bad combo, and I moved up a follow up with my primary care to talk about starting at least one taper asap.