I normally bounce in and out of kill mode with my moods, but I don't seem to be bouncing out this fall. I've had my claws out for awhile, and I've been pretty open about it several times. I'm not liking this direction I'm veering into, but Pinky blog is my go-to for my head stuff, so this is me untangling a few feels and looking at them. If you think you can do this with me, fine, but stand back a little in case words slap your eyeballs or something.
It's been really hard coming out and owning who I am in a very public eye, especially after a past rife with scrutiny, but I believe it's important, and it certainly has been good for my personal growth. (My psychologist agrees.) Aspies all over the world are coming out the same way, ducking in and out of public view, gritting their jaws and dealing head on with stuff they were taught to keep hidden all their lives. Since aspies also go through the same kinds of emotional issues everyone else does, what you see on this blog is aspienado working on not scaring the straights, as @bonenado likes to say.
Several people are trying to stay friends with me and I'm not making it easy. I'm sorta sifting a small number of close attachments out of a whole lot of acquaintances, and I think a few people are noticing that and feeling a little upset about it. Trying to win a contest for my affections is very dangerous. I bite. And I relish biting. You will think I'm killing you. I'm not. Just a heads up for those who might feel confused about winding up in my mouth like a rag doll. Please do not fear. Once an aspie owns you, YOU ARE OWNED. If it's any comfort, @bonenado thinks I need to wear a bell. I have described in other places how perplexing twitter was for me at first, how I learned to adapt and even thrive, and now even coach others on how to handle being on twitter and other social media. I fondly compare it to juggling eggs and chainsaws on a tightrope. I simply don't know what to do with friends. My favoritism bounces all over the place with my moods, and I suck for checking in regularly. I've spent a lifetime losing friends, and it's not usually me who does the walking away, even though I'm beginning to understand that it might look like that from a different perspective.
|exercise a little caution clicking to this source|
Speaking of comments, as it were, just putting it out there that I've heard every aspergers-introvert-*insertwhateverhere* joke, I've been given advice and links to every conceivable natural and pharmaceutical remedy by well-meaning people for everything I've ever opened my mouth about, I've been followed very excessively by well-meaning people who've been determined to be the best friend I ever had, and with a great deal of practice I've learned to do on public blogs what I learned to do in real life as aspienado- just be still and let it pass over. The best PR advice I ever got from an actual professional (seriously, guys), is "Don't respond." Not responding and not encouraging interaction hasn't hurt my internet growth one little bitty bit, and it beats rocking back and forth between the bipolar social whiplash of blocking and disappearing. I understand people want to be helpful and empathetic, but honestly, you don't see other aspies doing that with me. This is my fave aspie artwork, which clicks back to my Aspergers board on pinterest (I'm not finding the t-shirt anywhere).
When Existential Aspie comes out (yes, taking forever), you'll see why it's so difficult for me to remain pleasant through continual reminders that 1- I'm 'different' and 2- why who I am is either hilarious or annoying and 3- how people with brains like mine should be fixed, almost to the point of genocidal vehemence.
I don't need pats on the head. What do I need, then, some ask. If I don't acknowledge that someone is exhibiting tolerance and/or fondness, what is the point?
Let's do a thought experiment- close your eyes, you're standing next to Spock, you're not sure if he's pissed or thinking about how RNA strands joining up from two different cells look like zippers zipping up- turn and give the guy a *hug*. What do you imagine will happen? Most of you will think Nothing, he hates hugging without even considering what you just did plowing through his event horizon of personal space, touching miles of skin nerves that went on high alert, interrupted thoughts galore, and turned all that attention to wtf and why?? Spock might not hate being hugged at all, he just facepalms over the misunderstandings that a lack of lengthy convo will now eat the other person up with if he doesn't immediately respond positively, even though it's not in his nature to do so. When the huggy person fills that void with friendly mocking to make up for the lack of response or reciprocation, it only complicates things for Spock. Very few people can really imagine what it's like being him, but nearly every aspie on the planet automatically identifies with him. Spock is basically the first Aspergers television role (remember, Vulcans are fiction and humans wrote the scripts, so arguing 'canon' at this point is silly). Spock became a world phenomenon, not because humans love Vulcans, but because so many humans either identified with them or recognized them, probably from interacting with aspies. Back then Aspergers was still unidentified, and there was very little frame of reference other than 'nerds' back then. 'Nerd' has all new meanings nowadays, but back then, it very seriously meant the people who couldn't seem to fit in anywhere because their social skills were so abysmal. Spock was like a beautiful bridge opening up a dialect of understanding, and that's why he was embraced. HUGGED.
Skidding off topic, you guys have no idea how hard I crack up inside about the idea of shipping Spock and Khan. The whole Sylar-Khan thing (SyKhan?) I brought up has nothing to do with me hooking two guys up in my head for a tryst. I have no idea how people are able to bend such rigid pissy characters into tender moments because I'm not capable of that, even in my own marriage. I enjoy a good conundrum, and shipping people who hate each other is one of the weirdest biggest conundrums I've ever run into, and it makes me laugh. I don't get caught up in gooey romantic feels, I laugh. Because it's weird. I'll tell you a truth- me and Deanna Troi would not get along. I find the whole Worf feeling uncomfortable with his feelings thing uncomfortable. People awwwing over Spock's inner feels turns me into Khan. Khan kills.
So yeah, this me being a jerk thing and 'not noticing' when people are trying so hard- I call those head games. Y'all know what head games are. String pulling, chain yanking, basically one person tries to get another person to react to something, and if it has anything to do with hurt feelings, I usually just step way back before I claw people up. With my claws. You know, because, claws.
I am out here for a reason. I've had long talks with psyche guy about how I never meant to become a depression blogger, a worldwide champion for Lexx, or even a role model for people with Asperger's. Things just keep happening, and I finally accepted that the only way I can be out here is embrace ALL of it, be my whole self, and learn how to not let all the little things that bug me distract me from my own goals. That last part is the hardest. Aspie is notoriously aspie, and has a difficult time not noticing some things. I want to keep being honest about my stuff without dragging junk in. Regular readers watched me process a huge load of stuff over the last six months, stuff that was private for many years, stuff that I felt was important to both bridge building and my own healing.
Along that particular journey I've been poked a few times by several pouters. Y'all have every right to be who you are, feel how you feel, say what you want to say. Doesn't mean aspienado has to tolerate it, much less enable whatever baggage is yours to figure out. It's your stuff. My stuff is my stuff. Being 'friends' doesn't mean I'm an emotional butler that jumps when a notification goes off. You'd be amazed how often that has happened over the last year. Some of you would wonder how in the world I didn't go on bigger rampages than the Pond of Death. Pinky blog is how aspienado processes all the feels. If Pinky blog goes out of control, those must be some pretty big feels. When big feels asplode, it's time to step back and assess what's going on and what aspienado needs.
Aspienado likes Pinky blog. It feels like a cave where a person could order pizza and have a cat walking around. Aspienado misses Bluejacky and wants to go hang out at Pond of Death more, but Pinky says GET TO WORK! >=l FOCUS!!! Aspienado loves to work, so Pinky is a good boss reminding us all what's going on. I've got a Mantrid post to finish. After that... who knows. I just know I'm not working enough lately for my own original goals. It's like Dr. Evil wandering off into therapy and then onto Jerry Springer with Scott, world domination kind of gets put on hold when real life stuff pops up.
omg, you guys, my dad asked me on the phone last week what the hand thing is that people suddenly do when they talk, suddenly their hands go up with two fingers and then back down again. After a few minutes of fine tuning his description with question after question, I cracked up and then spent another 5 minutes explaining the "quotes" gesture to him. One of those gold star convos, wish I had that one on youtube.
These are way better when you know @bonenado has a dad and 2 stepdads.
My youtube account is one of my oldest public accounts. I've had a private playlist for several months that both cuts me up and motivates me to keep going in public. The description is simple- "Part of #aspienado's journey learning about relationships. These are feelings I've gone through all my life and very rarely articulated. It's been life changing learning to see my own feelings and process them. All the vids were made by other people with their own intentions and storylines, but they have personal meanings for me, too. Fanvids help me process feels, and I appreciate the work fans have put into making them." I made the playlist public yesterday. These vids in particular triggered some deeply buried emotional processes, and because of them and Pinky blog, I've got both a psychologist and a psychiatrist congratulating me on making so much positive progress.
Last Halloween I wrote a special post for lurkers, and since then I've come to terms with being a depression blogger. Click that if you are needing to follow a path out of some really dark woods. I know holidays can be really hard after loss and/or big change, and like I keep telling you guys, it's not a contest. Every loss and change is very personal, and there is no ranking system to how devastating one loss is compared to another. You might have lost someone very dear (pets included, they become our children and friends), gone through a divorce, found out you or someone you care about has cancer or something else really hard, or you might be struggling with caring for an aging parent, or dealing with some kind of addiction. There are so many hard things we go through. I must be doing a bit better this year, because night before last I dreamed I caught myself doing 110 mph down the highway, which was a tad alarming but so much better than the strange driving up a 90 degree angle or skidding off a chat road and down a hill into a river dreams I've had. I'm taking it as a sign that I'm handling my stuff better nowadays.
I have more links spread out through the depression posts, but in case you need it NOW-
If you need someone to talk to right now- *click*
international suicide hotlines
national domestic violence hotline (U.S.)
veterans crisis hotline
24 hour crisis hotline (depression)
Halloween is hard for me. I still don't really know why, but I do know that getting through Halloween is just really hard. Behind all the festivities and treats and parties, I know there are others out there who are having a hard time, too.
I call my stuff Pinkyween now. It's my way of dealing. From here on out till New Year's is what I call the holiday slide, just a long crazy blur of stuff going out of control until tax season hits and we wake up and stumble around wondering what just happened. Despite my long history of being the holiday kid in my family, I really don't do holidays well, and as years go by, it's become more about surviving them than enjoying them. That used to depress me, now it's just a thing I embrace. Holidays are great for getting more work done because I dive so hard into distraction to stay sane.
Ok, it's Pinkyween, and I need some mood music. I hope you guys have a great weekend.