irony deficiency symptoms

I'm getting so lazy about typos. I used to be appalled if I ran into one later and jump up immediately, no matter what the reason I'd have stopped doing everything else (usually pain) for a break, and nowadays I'm so meh, I'll get to it later. And then much later I go oh yeah, I had a typo, but by then I don't remember where and I'm not in the mood to go find it.

Not in the mood...  omg, I'm turning into NORMAL people. I said I was bored earlier this week, and now I'm saying I'm not in the mood.

I'm relying on my obsessive-compulsive everything must be this way or bust behavior to get me through all the things till I'm published. What the what? I'm bored and I'm not in the mood.

Hang on a sec, my body is butting in. *handing mic to left shoulder*

Hi, I'm actually a strip in a bigger muscle group called the trapezius, but I'm the bit that comes from the left side of the neck and anchors to the acromioclavicular joint. I'm probably one of the culprits behind that typical victim giving up style of vernacular (i.e. bored, mood), and I deeply apologize. I know it's not entirely my own fault, as there are plenty of other musculature and bony processes that contribute to this melee of nervous system overload, but I'm definitely a key player this morning. Honestly, I think I could take down Chuck Norris, or at least keep him from killing you. It would feel more like a light tap. Funny story, I

*yanks mic away* Ok, back to stuff. @bonenado just brought me the copy of the official govt form I mailed off yesterday without him seeing it first (I usually make a photocopy and do a practice fill out for him to approve) and showed me where I put month and date instead of month and year, so now I've got to go to the social security office in Springfield and show someone I messed up this paper and see if they'll let me fill out another one there or something.

I'm wondrously intelligent and stupid as a rock sometimes. I can't fill out forms by myself. I can blame it on brain glitching or pain all I want, but blame doesn't get it done right. The stupidest thing I did was think I could do something so 'simple' on my own and totally botched it up. Now I'm a bit peeved with myself, but instead of turning the sourness inward I need to distract again, because my body's already got enough to handle, and kicking myself only makes things worse.

I am Aspienado. I haven't been able to follow directions correctly since kindergarten. I own that this is one of the most outstanding fails in my life. The irony? I was filling out a Disability Update Report. Yes, disability squad, plz to note the cognitive fail. And it's not a blip, it's not an oopsie, it's every. single. time. all. my. life.

Why do they bother even asking about the 3 latest appointments if they don't want the doctor's name and actual date of the appointment? How in the world do they base future need for deeper follow up, oh never mind. The reason they have all these giant bolded instructions is because nearly all of us f*k it up.

lol, Scott and I just had a discussion about how you're watching a rumble about to happen in a show, buncha capes and masks and whatevs, and you notice someone wearing spiked heels and go really? Like they never twist their ankle. Scott said they wait till someone's down and then spike 'em through the eyes. He doesn't question these things. I guess only the cognitively impaired question the logic of superheroes never wearing supportive athletic footwear.

The facepalming is slowly subsiding. My long week is longer, yes, I have to drive further than the plan today, yes, I have to go through security check to sit with a room full of other societal dregs, yes, (I need a t-shirt that states I'm a societal dreg, Dregs would be a cool name for all us underdogs, I think) (we'll rumble in whatever crap shoes we got, yo) (well, my kind of rumble will more like stumbling over a chair trying to get away) ok where was I? I'm a Dreg gonna be all up in that security check, yo. I'm gonna show up and do my thang today, show them again how I screwed up a piece of paper, yo. (Too many yos? I need a dawg somewhere.) I do this what, once a year or so? Totally screw up a form.

I need staff.

The super irony is that this post started out about typos and got interrupted by govt paper typos... I started it because there's a typo one or two posts back and I'm too lazy to go find it. LAZY. omg, ok, now I'm cycling back around to what is happening to me, and my shoulder nodding, and me going oh, yeah.

Ug, I'll hafta take everything out of my epi purse at the social security office. I'll pre-empty most of it in the car. It's small, but amazingly super efficiently packed so I won't have to carry a bigger purse.

If I don't stop this right now my morning is going to spiral way outa control. Cue the vid! I shall get me to minecraft straight away until my body reminds me it needs breakfast, yea verily. And then I'll run out my door again.

step by step

This meme collection is awesome, click to check it out

You know what the best part of my birthday was? YOU GUYS. It got so busy here that I went back and scoured GWT making sure I wasn't being hit by a bot swarm, but it was mostly just a steady pingpingping of people bouncing around through the archives all day long, and I could tell much of it was definitely keyword driven. So- thank you. What a pleasant surprise to watch all my all-time scare records being broken on my birthday. This is from statcounter, which is super conservative. (I'm still not clear why certain countries aren't even acknowledged in my statcounter, much less not counted, but I guess that's better than the people I see complaining of bot probs from those countries.) Since I don't monetize, I don't have to worry about click fraud, but I use that kind of thinking to keep an eye on real people vs bots.

That is why I so aggressively scour referrals. Are you guys real? No sense getting excited over numbers if it's auto-clicking.

Checked on a deeper GWT social network referral list yesterday and discovered I somehow got tied into twopcharts (I qualify for global), nuzzel (that one was pure Kai poster/Lexx fans and was near the bottom of the referral list), and someone using the darkwm.ru domain linking one post (also Lexx related) that got me one indexed referral, so I'm thinking someone grabbed the page in a private download, like I do with my Torch browser grabbing vids or something.

I could keep my eye on Russia for bots, but the hits are already slacking way off again this morning, so good night and sweet dreams. This was the last 24 hours. Russia is normally only a fifth of the total (again, assuming Lexx or other fandom visits if no verified bot behavior). Whatever the motivation, it's not significantly alarming. Since some of my material has been translated and fan pix salvaged and saved, I'm always happy to see Russia.

We didn't do a whole lot on my birthday. I didn't have cake or anything (I'm diabetic), and I very thankfully got a nap after a day out with Bunny and her brother because I'd had one of my boingy bouncing out of bed at 1 a.m. nights the day before and then popped back out of bed at 3 a.m. on my birthday. Anyway, this is the cuteness my birthday party leveled up to. This happened at Bass Pro. twitter - facebook - webapp Not paid to link those.


@bonenado picked up some hunting boots and jeans there (yes, on MY birthday), but I got these cute sox from Tractor Supply in Nixa. My birthday continues to be about footwear, lol.

This was the card he got me. It's so us.

This wasn't too shabby as far as birthdays go, either. It clicks out if you want to see more.

I 'live out loud', so I'm still finding my balance with private stuff, how much to share, when to share it. We kind of have a running gag in our morbid little family about people we care about dying or having funerals on Twink's birthday (that is Bunny's mama), but somehow sailed right past her birthday for once without anything awful happening, yay!

It's my turn for the jinx. And it got a little tense.

I don't say much about our real stuff, but I did share a post called interruptions a couple of years ago that got pretty personal. We'd gotten through a really tough Christmas, and I won't repeat any of all that stuff right here. It's out there if you care to go deeper. A few harder core lurkers know Twink spent a miserable and very frightening Christmas in a big hospital across the state several years ago, and after that I just stopped taking holidays seriously any more. One of the reasons my Lexx fansite boomed in 2006 was that I had to stay distracted during stuff that culminated into a Christmas tree never getting decorated. (Scroll down to the bottom of Why Lexx Is Personal to see my Twink.)

Given all that info I just linked, you might understand why I stepped back from being public on my own birthday when Twink's mama needed to go to hospital and have some tests run, and found out some pretty big stuff was going on. The question actually came up- What if she dies on your birthday? Two people asked me that. I'm sure more would have asked that if more had known what was going on. Part of family politics is damage control around gossip, and it's bad enough keeping stuff private in our own house, much less keeping it off facebook and phone calls and stuff. We protect ourselves and those we love with our silence.

I had a good think about that, and I realized very quickly that I would embrace it because I love my Twink. Can you imagine your mom sharing a death day with your stepmom's birthday? *wow* Her mom has been part of my life for a long time, and part of my whole marriage. I have learned more about myself through Twink and her mama than through anyone else on this earth. I have learned commitment, compassion, and some very deep love and forgiveness stuff, which is a biggie for aspienado. I've learned more about my humanity from them being in my life than from anyone else I've ever known. Many people have a problem letting go of their boundaries and embracing the more difficult challenges, but I've come through two decades of learning what family is really all about. Twink's mom is family to me by extension, and even though I'm relieved we're past the awkward morbid joke stage, I know now that I would never feel conflicted about it. What good would I be to Bunny's mama if I took something like that personally? I would be mortally embarrassed if anyone turned this into me selfishly feeling upstaged by an ex-wife, and I was horrified thinking how that would backwash onto Twink's feelings for the rest of our lives. I don't want to be awful, but I grew up with grownups around me being snotty about things like that, and I can't even imagine what I'd be like now if I'd never had these opportunities to learn to think differently about how I see the world.

click for meme explosion

While I may not automatically believe in the inherent goodness of humanity, I don't believe people are naturally bad, either. Who we are and become has so much to do with the world around us, and we wouldn't be human if we didn't stumble and fall, sometimes quite a lot. Very quickly we could wind up in the dark alleys of choice, and from there into the extremes of victimization, but let's quickly divert into the eyes of a watcher, one who knows the dark well enough to see in it, but not so much to pry as to dabble with metaphorical ink. Perhaps pry + ink = pink.

One of my dreams last night took place in a Shoney's type restaurant buffet, except the food bar was a street drugs bar with an impressive spread of everything from cheap mail order xanax (your basic instant mashed potatoes) to high dollar cocktail blends (the savvier stir fries and lasagnas). Along this buffet all the people freely mixed, rich suits and smelly rags, heeled vixens and crippled homeless, prep and jock and lab students and downtrodden and cast off and drop out students. Everyone imaginable was there, getting along for show like people do at Christmas parties. No one is sinless in this. We are all part of this culture and all its subcultures.

And as it turns out, I did get a call on my birthday that someone else I'm actually related to really had died. You guys know I live for irony. So many hugs from my heart go out to you guys. I hope one day I can do so much more than blog.

lyrics

well THAT took a bit of scab ripping to get down to my own honesty

This week has felt like moving through sludge. Today is as thick as cement. Why today? Is there something about today?

2007
So I'm standing in the shower sucking on a cough drop, and I think, Why don't cough drops come in chocolate?  Or coffee flavor?  Why is it always candy/fruit flavors?  I don't eat fruit flavored candy at all, yet I'm stuck with fruit flavored cough drops.

2008
      I TOTALLY got Scott this morning.    Texted him that the roof was leaking over our bed again, giggling like a maniac.  I *knew* he would fall for it!  He called me back about 15 minutes later, how bad is it, geez, I'm gonna hafta crawl up there again, the sheet rock is probably crumbling, etc.  When I told him April Fool, he said You suck!!!!  *heehee*  Poor guy had really been stewing there for a few minutes.

Ah, here it is, still 2008. April tends to be about the worst month out of every year. Yes, this is on April Fool's Day.

Nothing clenches you up for a pap smear like walking through a huge parking lot in the bracing cold wind.

She made me cry.    I'm so tired of feeling awful.  I even took vicodin before I went.  But she thinks I have a pretty bad bladder infection, and says I'm also at the tail end of a self limiting bacterial infection in my uterus, probably came on during the CMV this winter while my immune system was down and I had that thrush and canker sores for a few weeks.  I told her I'd rather not take an antibiotic if she thinks it's pretty much over, since I've had so many med reactions this year.  No sense stirring the pot for more consequences.  I guess we'll see what the lab says about the bladder infection, though.  She had to cath me for that, my first time ever.  I had no idea I was having so much trouble.  I just thought it was part of getting older and my innards 'relaxing' on each other, making it hard to drain my lizard.

Scott cracks up when I say that.    I don't see why mine can't be a lizard, too.  They don't all have to be monster lizards.

2009 Holy cow, it never stops on April Fool's Day. This is one of the surgeries I have managed to avoid.

Ok, back to 'real life' here.  Rough morning driving in, completely thrown out of my usual rut's timing.  Got up at 4 just to help cushion the shock, but still hadn't controlled the pain enough to drive without nearly weaving around the highway from the nauseating pain going down my spine.  I had to start driving around 6:30.

Aside from being offered an extensive list of meds I already know I can't take and physical therapy I know insurance will throw a fit over and won't address or solve my personal medical issues because they have to stick to defined insurance protocols, I have the option of having anesthesia squirted directly into my spine while I'm semi-sedated in radiology, with heavy concerns that 1- I'll have a hyper reaction to it like I do everything else and wind up in lupus flareup or something (this guy said a person like me could react even to needles, I'd never thought of that), or 2- it simply won't last a reasonable enough amount of time to be worth it.  If they add steroid, complications could rise exponentially, and then the next step after that is neuroablation.

"Neuroablation is used as a last resort when other attempts to eliminate pain have failed. It uses heat to destroy nerves that send pain signals to and from the brain. It is used for back pain and referred pain in other parts of the body. It can be permanent, but sometimes the nerves will grow back."

Um, they'd pretty much have to destroy the entire nerve bundle right at the base of my skull...  And that still wouldn't stop the cranial and trigeminal nerves around my skull from throwing migraines at me.

2010 Ah yes, the April I wound up in ER 6 times, 4 by ambulance because severe breathing problems, the other 2 were med complications. Yes, again, this is April Fool's Day. Little did I know the month I was in for.
And now we are having asthma attacks.  Whee.  Moved the HEPA into the livingroom, have already puffed and had benadryl this morning, and if this doesn't calm down soon I'm going to go to the ER, because I'm also on a beta blocker for high blood pressure.  The really fun part is when I can't control the cough and have to run to the bathroom over this stupid stomach thing.

2011 You can imagine this being a much better one by sheer comparison.
I think the blu ray is fried.  Scott dug the book up and thinks he'll have to try something with it, in the meantime I'm stuck with the old dvd player that keeps the picture in a tiny little squashed up square, like the old days.  Better than nothing.  I ~could~ watch a few shows on my laptop, but I'll probably wait till the weekend is over so I can hog the desk and chair.

2012 lol, big problem with stray dogs that year.
 It worked!  heehee Scott was ticked that there would already be dog poop on the deck. 

Also, this is where my sox obsession truly started, on an April Fool's day. I've pretty much done a blind pick ever since, something soothing about random chaos. I figured out the key is to get awesomely cool sox in the first place.
Remember my footie thing, where I was going to mix up all my footies into mismatches?  A sort of droll pastime, I thought, for my fun and amusement.  Well, it's not that amusing.  I'm already bored with the hidious clashing of prints and colors.  If I had paired one black with colored stripes with another black with different colored stripes I think I'd have been more satisfied.  But black with colored stripes paired with a white with 60's crazy colored flowers alternates between boringly mental and disgustingly stale.  It's one thing if they had holes and I had to pair them up as losers, it's another to look at them all day knowing I did that on purpose.  So I'm going to start over, let them all pile up in the hamper again and wash them all at once, and re-pair them into better mismates that are easier on the eyes.  But it'll prolly be two or three weeks before that happens.  (Yes, I'm going to force myself through the wearing of them first.  The Sheldon in me insisted I at least follow through the first round of utter ugly randomness.)

2013
Extremely stressful year, private stuff, but the pain level was coming down, yay! It was not a fun April Fool's Day, though. I don't care to share it.

2014 By this time I had stopped blogging privately. I remember struggling all year to reconstruct the way I write about things. No more dump zones.

One of my neighbors is burning leaves on top of all the pollen in the air. I made my house take a zyrtec. It's up to my chickens now to handle the great outdoors, I'm staunchly rooted in the great indoors. Click that if you're in the mood for chicken cartoons.

So, 2015. I have never had such a stress-free April Fool's Day. It's like a huge chunk of dreaded portent has gone missing. I guess I'm so used to hitting April and my life falling apart like I wound up in a disastrously wrong Cube room that I don't know what to do with myself. Or maybe it's something else.

April is also the time of year I start this incredibly lonely reminiscing. I usually never mention this part in any blog, even my most private ones. April is the time of year I watched a friend start spiraling into a severe depression, and after several months of not understanding because super aspie's so terribly, horribly aspie, I was set adrift like a leaf and have felt lost inside ever since.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~

4-3-15

How can pain still be so unbelievably consuming even 8 years later. Nothing else in my life has so utterly changed me. And I still love her. All this will follow me to the end, every day drenched from the most beautifully tragic year I've ever lived.

She was my rose in a glass globe, and the world we created shattered around us.

She is the secret behind who I've become.