Happy May stuffs

I bin bizzy!

That lilac bush up there is 20+ years old, about 10 feet tall now. I remember when it was a twig. This next is our redbud tree. We've never seen it flower along the bigger branches like that before, usually sticks to the smaller branches. Maybe growing new baby branches?

The clover patches are coming in really thick. We used to have lots of wild bunnies but I haven't seen any in years, not sure why. Bunnies love clover.

Baby butterfly bushes sprouting in. My yard will smell like someone tipped a giant vat of honey over when they bloom.

Papa got lots of help this last weekend.

Worms!

I got lots of help, too. We've got mixed flowers, cantaloupe, zucchini, and radishes started. Some sight words also magically appeared out of nowhere and surprised all of us. She had never spontaneously made them herself on paper outside of a classroom as far as I know.

A friend gave me this conch a long time ago, and it has always looked beautiful under a little tree. I don't know what happened here, maybe the winter was extra rough and little critters started gnawing for minerals or something. Now we can see how pretty the inside looks! Hard to see, didn't use any filters, but the pink is glossy and magical.

This happened across the street the other day. No idea what they were doing, but something got fixed rather pronto, and then they were gone again. Water line? No idea.

Someone got face painted at a school carnival.

Getting pretty good at first shot on target with that flame bow. Got me a gamer girl.

Kinda like a tiny little Felicity Smoak, lol.

Caught one of those flash sales and grabbed this. It's here if you want one.

Not a clue what I was saying here, but it's from a few days back.

I know, I used to post pix all the time and I almost never do anymore. My Batman turns 5 pretty soon, so maybe we'll see what he's up to soon.

Hang on a sec, I'm being hacked by something and I've gotta reboot to get some stupid popups outa my way. K, I'm back. Kaspersky was throwing fits. I need to take that off since it's no longer properly supported in the U.S. It loves to hate java, but I can't help wondering if it itself is part of the back door in on that, and maybe that's why a ton of big companies and govt offices dropped Kaspersky like a hot potato. From 9-13-17 Federal Agencies Ordered to Stop Using Kaspersky Software

I've been doing a lot of thinking last few months about money *wow* my blogger editor keeps moving... I never see it do this. Not the first time something weird has happened while I blog, live blogging is my fave sport. And the save button seems to be going off every few seconds. I'm trying to figure out if I'm doing this or what. It's like when I want to shift but not really. Or like when a finger slips onto two buttons but not really. And every time I mention it again, it stops. So I guess I'll keep typing. I have remote turned off, hopefully that didn't default after an update or something. testtest Welp, moving on.

Ok, back to the money thoughts. I was thinking about how I don't need the dotcom for this blog, that it's not pertinent to the web ranking and was never part of my plan, and people come straight here anyway without it. And for a couple of hours I was all into letting it go. But then it hit me that some of the funnier search referrals are really coming in for Pinky porn, and they wind up staying and reading several pages, which cracks me up. There are so many Pinky Guerreros out there, legit businesses, and only a couple are actually porn, so I dunno why no one ever grabbed this dotcom, but it hit me *wow* do you mind I'm trying to type here. lol, my mouse just moved on its own. Ok, where was I. Ok, it hit me that while I've got the dotcom, a porn slaver can't use it, right? Because you know that's what a lot of that is online, it's slaving. Very few people legit decide to go into their own porn biz and learn all the ropes, there's plenty of help, and quite a lot of bios out there are set up to look like independent accounts by females and children, but if you stand back and look at how generic and the same formatting they are, it's basically like porn farming, like the way you can set up auto farming with redstone on minecraft, wel

aaaand this just happened right when I was typing that.

Ok, that was last night and I just went to bed after that. Now it's morning.

My point is, as long as I own my dotcom, no one else can own it for something yucky. As long as I own it, it redirects minds away from addiction enslavement and toward actual thought. So I might keep that one.

Then I got to thinking about the old Lexx forum that I've been paying for. It's unusable, and I haven't been able to contact anyone about it for years. I basically have the info to keep paying for it and that's it. I don't have the power to migrate it or fix it. If I stop paying for it, will it disappear? Will the owner stir and ask for donations? Is the owner even still alive? I could conceivably copy/paste content to a new area that is much cheaper if all we're doing is keeping the content from disappearing. If I do that it'll be a LOT of work. It would go to another forum I pay for that would be open to public, and I'd basically have only 5 scant months or less to get that done before annual fee comes back up. That changed on me, by the way. I had paid ahead 5 years and they up and changed the annual fee the next year, making it much more expensive, so I'm shelling out over $300 a year now for a dead forum that I can't fix. I've put years of pocket money into that fandom museum. I don't know what else to do. But the second it would disappear, someone would ask me why...

That last paragraph wore me out just writing it.

Anyway, stuff like that. Stuff I pay for that could go toward other stuff instead. My budget is super tight and most of my money goes toward my own health care. I nailed down about $45 spending money per month, and I'm so terribly frugal that I manage to do big stuff with it. Still, all this stuff isn't technically necessary to overall future plan I originally made, and this might be the year I pare it back down to why I'm here in the first place. All that distraction into other things was because of other people pushing me this way and that, and I learned a lot and actually had fun and grew in many ways that were good for me, but I've got to pull the scattered mess back together now. I figured out my own stuff along the way, and it feels like it's time and I think I'm about ready. Maybe I should let go of the extra stuff.

turkey fam

Things going on this week.

On twitter-

My twitter family tree- Part 1 via Twitter Family game
Love my mama and papa! @DxDerailed @kurtzellner
Mama Deb is my go-to fandom nerd for #DirkGently and Dieter Laser
Papa Kurt gets after me all the time in #latenightmove @LNMgang movie chat at SyfyDesigns.com
You and me, babe @dawnsnarks 😆

My twitter family tree- Part 2 via Twitter Family game
So proud of my kids! @SesameSquirrel and @TScottBrave
My kid Seseme is my fave squirrel source linker and so much more
My kid Scott is my bug and spider expert and hopefully future reference checker on a side project

Also this thread about autism is awesome. Next snip clicks directly to that part of the convo.

On facebook-

In my G+ Lexx community hangout-

I prioritized my work schedule, AJ found out "May" is a college professor now, and Sanguinessa is starting on part 4 of a continuing Tales from a Parallel Universe fanfic series that I've promised to read and review.

I passed the 48 hour mark after surgery today with flying colors, incisions look great, no fever, was even able to skip the pain pill for 15 hours which was awesome because high dose opioids put your digestive system to sleep and I needed mine to wake up. 😋

click for article on wild turkeys

I have come up with a Thanksgiving plan. Our holiday is kinda blown apart with way too much happening around here, but I think this will work ok. I'm going to cook my personal Turkey food a day ahead and then have the kitchen cleaned up and I'm out of the way for Twink to help Granny get a bunch of cooking done with my stove. I'll get up early, as usual, and make hot chocolate on the stove like I do every year, and then I'm going to camp out on my bed with Jawn and hang out on Mo Creatures while I watch Macy's parade on the TV in my bedroom, and Bunny can hang out with me if mama needs her out of her hair. I'm sure I'll be popping on and off the internet randomly as the chaos rolls out, but I do want to hang out online through the day. Hopefully that will work out well.

yes, I'm still feeling festive (facebook joke)

Click for tweet source

Fiber installation has officially begun. Crews are all over my subdivision clearing brush and limbs.

Click to see Macy's lineup

Surgery scheduling seems to have stalled over something. Maybe they noticed I'm a complicated mess.

Click for easy to load and read info on route, street closures, lineup, balloons, floats

I have decided to commit to a literary challenge and review, starting this weekend. Yes, Lexx stuff. I waited 15 YEARS for this book.

Click for new balloons announcement

In the meantime, lurking the medias, playing on Mo Creatures (I put up a Festivus pole at my player shop yesterday), and slapping myself back from pressing that big red anxiety button.

I could blame all of 2017 on Jeff, actually

"I cannot heal heart, soul, mind, and body while I'm focusing on orchestrating a cheering section for execution festivals." -me

I think that is worth restating once in awhile. No reason.

I've received notice from Google that my "Dare" Lexx Sex Survey can no longer be supported on tumblr. There were 3 specific notations, but each of them clicked to details that were extremely vague and nonspecific. I can't tell if my content material has been hacked and redirects outside of my own web empire, but I'm not at all surprised photobucket might be at the heart of it. This wouldn't be the first time that linking from photobucket caused problems. I can't tell if the post was reported or not, and I wasn't asked to remove the content, but the ultimatum is that particular post will no longer be eligible for AMP (Accelerated Mobile Pages)-related features in Google Search. I got ticced 'critical' for invalid stylesheet, invalid layout property found in AMP tag, and prohibited or invalid use of HTML tag. Since I pasted that html directly over from blogger, which is a Google supported format, I'm not understanding what they're pointing out, but from the laborious difficulties I've had with tumblr since I made one, I can only assume that tumblr is the real problem here. And if it was someone reporting content, then I'm really surprised it took so long.

So Bunny is 4 now and there is joy throughout the land. We work on 'homework' sometimes, and she's getting pretty good at doing those cute workbooks you can pick up for pre-K. I've started letting her press the arrow keys to make me move directions in Mo Creatures while I do the steering, but she bumps the 1 a lot when she gets excited and we nearly chopped her bunny in half with my enchanted sword (because it's in first position, if she had pressed 2 it would have been my silver sword for werewolves, 3 my pickaxe, 4 my tree axe, 5 my shovel, 6 my bow and arrows, 7 a block of cobble, 8 a mutton steak, and 9 a torch, but 1 is right by the forward arrow button, egads). I told her be careful so we don't kill the pets, and instantly she was like KILL ALL THE PETS, and I'm all NOOOOOOoooooo... I may have to get her onto singleplayer on a tablet we have around the house. Anyone else know a 4 year old playing minecraft?

I really screwed up my CPAP last night ripping it off in my sleep, so I'm intermittently trying to make up time wearing the mask while I play this morning to make up the 4 hour minimum requirement for insurance. I've got 30 more minutes to go. Night before last, no problem, 6 1/2 hours, so whatever happened last night, no idea. I'm going with 'abducted by Jeff' (People of Earth).

Tomorrow is @bonenado's birthday. I made a birthday pie. I think that's the first time I've ever made an apple pie with confetti sprinkles. Bunny is really big on sprinkles.

I'm in dual mode lately, super bumbly and disconnected on the outside, super focused and humming along quietly on the inside. Still having problems with my feet, and the only way I can handle walking at all is in athletic shoes. The second they're off it's like I have different feet. I discovered yesterday that this complaint goes clear back to March, so that's pre-baclofen and I can't keep blaming the med for me noticing it more, another plus for somewhat daily blogging or journaling, guys. All I know for real is that after Christmas I started asking for med help and it's backfired twice, but underneath it all the nerve problems continue no matter what I do or try. So I'm kinda relaxing and going with ok, we're either in a setback year or defaulting into a new progression, but the important thing is that I'm still functioning on my own and still mostly keeping up with the basics around the house. I even cleaned floors this last weekend and recovered more quickly than expected, so something is still going right. I'm eating salads several times a week, getting more raw veg in my diet kind of thing (I love cauliflower and radishes) and I super avoided all the bad birthday carbs, so I haven't done any crashing through all this stuff. We're all noticing that using my laptop in bed is helping my stress levels a LOT. It keeps my legs up, keeps me resting, and keeps me out of the way while other people do the fretting, lol. I'm able to hopefully keep being a nicer person like this. I'd almost feel weird about all this 'bed rest' except that I've stopped taking naps now with the CPAP, so if I'm not laying down during the days like I used to, what's the difference if I'm sitting in bed working or at least accomplishing tasks on a game server, right?

That is the hayfield across the street from my house. Those weeds along the street are as tall as my head. My allergies this year are horrible. I wonder why... lol. The guy that originally owned that used to keep it all mowed down and it was really beautiful. He got old and finally died, last we heard the lot had sold, and since that lot is empty we assumed a house would be going up. Well, that was a couple years ago and we haven't seen anything since, and the field is neglected. The deer love it. So do the other critters. Big snake year, must be a boom in mice.

So I'm working on the whole big picture now with my psychologist, why Pinky showed up, how 'we' all tied together after blowing apart for so long, pretty much the story of psychological scarring and healing as a person on autism spectrum. It's complicated and full of sad-scary-funny and very soon now I hope it's a real thing on shelves. I've been 'out' as autistic for over ten years now, and out since about 2014 or so about all my internet history.

I had a weird mental picture yesterday of running into a particular person (not from around my area or family) again if I wind up traveling for marketing or something and how that could conceivably blow up into a big deal, and then I started wondering if that guy is still even alive since he was taking over another drug lord's territory in a huge city when he was still only 17 years old, already on the run from another state. I mean, would it be awkward? I used to hang out with him and his girlfriend and watch TV in their apartment. I have a long list of people I wonder about, many of them either off the grid or living double lives or simply just cut off from former families and friends because huge life changes over orientations and stuff. Other people I simply just haven't kept up with but still find on the webs apparently living pretty normal lives. People are people are people.

~one weekend later~

2 pounds. *poof* Also...

I finally found a way to move 3300+ files off my phone onto Jawn, and my next step in that process is to move all that onto storage disks, flash drives, backup hard drive, whatever it takes. I was loathe to use pinterest because once they're in someone else's storage, I really have no control over whether they stay available for my own use, like if the national grid collapses after North Korea dirty nukes our atmosphere or something. I don't trust the cloud, and even though I use multiple host servers across the U.S. and even around the world, I know ALL of that could be gone in an eye blink. Local hard copy will be a fallback if the world ever goes boom and crashes for any reason. After watching servers go down during hurricanes, yeah, that. The public is largely unaware just how huge the digital storage market is, and how much money changes hands over it. Doesn't mean it can't be lost, like photos in floods and fires. I'm surprised our hosts don't offer us insurance packages against digital storage loss. I don't mean like phone insurance, I mean like cloud insurance.

I'm on the impossible plane of high speed flat brain, and since the minuscule amount of braining going on is such sigh speed that I can't hold a thought more than a minute or two, I'm mostly ignoring it. I'm aware that it's May now, and that's all I feel I need to know.

Oh yeah, we got my bedroom flipped over the weekend. Major wall to wall reversal that will solve a whole lot of space problems. I love it. It's like having a new bedroom. That was the last big step in my spaceship overhaul reclaiming wasted space. Our lives are so slo-mo in high speed around here. I feel like we're on a rocket ship crazily hurtling through a long empty stretch between galaxies. Sometimes we feel how crazy it is, but we're stuck in this time lag and process it all very slowly. It's been almost two years since I wrote that post.

The rest of my brain is gummed up. Let's find a vid and get outa here.

give me the thing that I love

I'm one of those who quietly shakes my head when other people feel a surge of exuberance and blurt things like "I'm in the mood to build something, somebody give me a suggestion for what to build next!" (minecraft), "I feel like writing, someone give me a writing prompt!" (blogs), "I'm in the mood to bake, someone tell me what I should cook!" (foodies), "Let's go shopping! Give me ideas what to look for." (burning pockets), "I'm in the mood to make a garden, what kind of flowers should I buy?" (gardeners), you get the picture. Across all the hobbies, I see people asking for ideas for their next deck or flea market project, their next detailing venture, their next quilt or crochet, even their next pet and sometimes even their next child.

Pinky doesn't ask other people what Pinky should do next. Neither do the rest of us. Bluejacky says "I am the cat who walks by himself, and all other places are alike to me." (Kipling) We all know she's bluffing and that's really a coping strategy, but not a very good one because it's emotionally sterile. However, it's the opposite of emotionally codependent and dysfunctional, so that worked well for awhile.

Anyways, I've been wondering off and on about starting a new Pinky blog because this one is so excessively huge that even google won't touch it with a stick any more (at least not for free) and the bots be swarming now. I have apps and crawlers in several countries to thank for roughly 15% of my traffic, which is actually exceptional because I've been such a bio nazi. Check my latest webmii report from this week. (@LisaMarieBowman has me beat, but just barely. 😁) This is the most important part of the internet. If you need some kind of context, check out Ellen Dubin's Webmii. These are the 2 women I like holding up as a sort of goal to reach myself. (There are more, of course, I keep a list.)

But this is what it's all about in a nutshell. It's really important for a NAME to stand out and grab all the correct data into one curator. Lexx fans from the old days will probably do a double take here. I know, right? I never meant for this to happen, it just did. All I had to do was make sure I linked properly, like we were all told to do years ago. Srsly, all I had to do.

And that is leading (in a real time pop up kind of way, because this comes and goes depending on how actively I'm linking my Lexx stuff) to a grave but quite hilarious misunderstanding. The only 'related' person in this entire data collection (at this current info gathering) is someone I've been very careful to step further away from. That goes to a Webmii report for Michael which turns out is a composite of a number of Michaels with the same name, a completely not Michael's klout score and the wrong linkedin, and as you can see, there are a variety of Michaels flourishing in corporate America. The Anthony Ellis part is cool, he's my top retweeter.

My visibility doesn't rely on Pinky blog, obviously, although I've played google search to associate just about anything and everything with my name in media searches. This is spot on, though. This is web presence. I don't need a wiki page or an IMDB profile or a syndication host to create my own presence. I pretty much stick out like a sore thumb. All of this was planned. I've worked hard for this, and right now I'm coasting on a gap month hoping I don't lose it.

So the question comes up in my mind- Should I start a new Pinky blog? And when I think of even asking I feel like I should know the answer. I migrated once because of a server move, and I'm doing very well on blogger. I can live with the swarms and I feel like everything here is archived well. The only problem is what I call 'excessive baggage' alerts. Google is kind of insisting that I do something about all this and I'm thinking that's an 'excessive work' issue that I'm most likely not going to deal with. Spending time keeping blog maintenance up shaves time off other things. I enjoy blogging very much and will continue indefinitely. But I keep bringing up something about a book... (or two, or...)

clicks back to Lexx fandom source site

Also, I'm busy. It's about time to grab my lapels and fling myself against a wall again.

living in the Dark Zone

clicks to an uber cool pinterest collection
also see Scifi-Meshes.com

I really loathe how creepers jump on Lexx hoping it'll be a great way to spam. Today I declined a child sex slave account from joining my group. I think most of my disgust lies in they didn't even try to pretend to be fans. Stick that little girl in a Lexx tee and maybe I'll reconsider. Sorry, that sounds terrible. Lexx in no way EVER brought child sex connotations to screen, and I still spit a bit on any reviewer who reduces it down to a 'sex in space' show.

I've seen people walk around with these kids in real life. They are young and fixed up to look normal, but more like dolls than people. They are experts with makeup and clothes, and they don't just walk around like we do with all the busy or emo stuff in our heads, but like self aware dolls always 'on' to how they come across to the public. One guy I watched take his 'daughter' shopping (in a very nice big retailer) had to stop her from fawning in public and got a bit agitated when she didn't (a little over programmed?), and when he caught my eye, even though he was next in line, he dropped his merch immediately and hustled right out of the mall. You wanna buy a living doll and parade around in public as part of your parent fetish, screw you. Poor kid probably got a bit more mistreated to ease his agitation.

And it's not just young people. When I was growing up, it was fairly common for army vets to bring Asian women home. They made perfect wives because they shut up when they were told, so you could treat them any way you wanted at home. What a horrible stereotype, and I hope that isn't true any more, but I still run into an aging veteran-Asian couple once in awhile, and I have yet to see the vet (bless him for saving our country) exhibit kindness to his wife in public. It got so bad in a Walmart check out line the last time I saw them that she nearly started crying because he was such a jerk.

Lotta streams cross my eyes when I work on my medias, and I generally don't share the junky part that drags me down, mostly because I don't shine a light at dark places I'd rather other people not innocently go. Those of us who've been touched by the dark recognize the intent behind what others gloss over for 'cute' or fail to notice is a stumbling block into a deeply entrenched black market or, at best, society fail.

I am 'pre-screening' (lol, that's fun to say) a playlist for a write-up later, and it's setting the perfect mood for this kind of work. It's a tad explicit, sounds of a woman possibly being choked to death, hints of underlying secrets and possibly crime, a slight dash of nudity, so NSFW, ok? But it's cool music in my opinion, and I really hope it gets picked up for a movie or TV show soundtrack.



Disclaimer- this is a personal blog where I frequently ramble. No connection is being intended between Lexx and Pagan. I happen to be fans of both. For those who aren't Lexx fans, the premise is that we live in a universe of depravity and evil, called the Dark Zone. It seemed apt for a lead-in, but again, my content in this post has absolutely nothing to do with the Lexx TV series.

showing off

This week is hard, but I'm getting those shoes on.

I've apparently missed another big day here over the weekend, over 500 visits pretty much all at the same time from the same referral. Whatever is going on out there, yay! and always remember where your towel is, ok?

We had a big Bunny sleepover wherein I was up past midnight Saturday and then back up around 4 a.m. on Sunday, and good thing because she was back up before 6, and the entire visit was high gear high energy high speed ADHD. And then she went home to her mama and still zoomed circles around her. And hopefully this isn't connected, but last night she zoomed into a 102 temp and now she's got a tummy bug other people in her family had previously. So if I've been exposed, I'm hoping I get a big brain and energy boost from the viral invasion like she did before the croaking off part hits. *joking*

I actually dragged through pretty well, maybe the CPAP is helping. By the time she left here, I had all the dishes AND laundry ~caught up~. That's right, *caught* *up*. That's never happened before. Plus I was still able to hang out with her a little bit and cook and stuff, and that on 4 hours of sleep. But it was CPAP sleep. Keeping that OSAT above the 78 percents is a good thing. I still feel like I'm dragging, and here I am doing all this stuff.

By the way, @bonenado says working in clay and sand all day smelting into clay brick and glass blocks is NOT working (I keep that going in between doing stuff around the house), and I said It is if I write a post about it. So I hope to get a Mo Creatures post out later. I'll insert a cameo feature of another player that I thought was cool.

Since I've seen the Doctor Strange movie twice now, which, by the way, is a fantastically well done preamble to how he fits into the Marvel universe, I've been thinking a bit about arrogance. The focus in the story is that Stephen Strange is one of those 'beautiful brain' people with an eidetic memory, which made him the successful neurosurgeon he became. I think the audience might assume that because he's successful, he became arrogant, and that certainly seems the case as he is discussing which case to take next to keep his unblemished record going in his career. Because of this 'arrogance', he winds up wrecking his car and his life. BUT. That arrogance is what also winds up making him capable of saving the world, since he is able to look the biggest baddie right in the face without hesitation (and seemingly very little fear), and it took that kind of arrogance to be able to handle that situation.

I grew up outside of neurotypical norm, and I tend to notice the 'arrogant' people. They are my people. I love showing off when I'm right about something, or when I do something cool, and yes, I can come across myself as a very arrogant person. But I'd like to take a closer look.

When we have Bunny sleepovers, we feel a bit swooped over with tiny child activity, but one of my favorite things is when she wants to show us what she can do. Bunny is 3 1/2 and can do lots of stuff now, and she loves showing us what she learned in 'gynnasics' and how fast she can go or what she knows about drawing and TV shows and our phones... lol. She's a smart kid.

When I was a little girl, when I wanted to show visitors what I could do, I was told not to 'show off'. I was expected to be 'good' and 'behave'. I was so bad at interrupting conversations and doing things that wound up with me getting hurt that my parents had to really grind into me how important it is to be quiet and let other people do the talking while I behave quietly on the sidelines. These were not pleasant discussions.

I very quietly grew into a very smart and extremely arrogant person, quietly appointing those all around me as 'stupid' and 'slow'. Because I didn't grow up learning how to interact appropriately, I am still learning decades later how to interact appropriately. I'm about to say something really important.

Aren't kids supposed to show you what they can do? They're learning. Demonstrating and getting vital feedback are important and seem to be naturally built into little kids. Is arrogance born out of breaking this natural cycle?

If Stephen Strange was the typical neuroatypical, this likely started in early childhood. He was a little more than the people around him were able to juggle, and instead of embracing his natural skills and abilities, they fenced it off into behavioral problems. That alone stimulates atypical kids to try even harder to get positive attention somehow, and a lot of us wind up in academics. Stephen Strange is a great example (a bit exaggerated, yes) of how a different kind of mind can learn to channel itself into positive outcome.

Part of the Stephen Strange character set up is that he took an oath as a doctor, and he doesn't hesitate to try upholding that oath even if it costs him his life. I know a lot of people who are like that. They are really good at something, they step up into those roles, and they put their lives into thriving at what they do. A lot of those people, incidentally, are neuroatypical.

10 Fascinating Facts About Doctor Strange You Probably Didn’t Know

Yeah, did you notice #2? A Doctor Strange Feature Film Has Been In Development Since 1986 - Lexx fans, take hope...

Wild careen into Lexx...

all of us together

Had a Lexxellent morning with fans on two other continents as a live stream was attempted, and I have declared Andrey the best LEXX digital artist I've ever seen. Guys, Lexx fans are a true force to be reckoned with.

And now it's out the door and GET TO WORK!

last of 2016 30 day challenge- Day Eleven

4 days till Bunny's tonsillectomy. 13 days till Christmas Eve. We're already so bushwhacked.

*coffee*

From a twitter convo yesterday, my Lexx collection.

This is a real thing. I ordered one for my dad for Christmas. He'll probably at least sample it, and then it can be a conversation piece for other family when they come over. Click it to order one yourself.

Seeing past Decembers rolling through timehop on FB and feeling so thankful we haven't had any snow and ice yet. I'm in mild nerve system flare, very reminiscent of the initial big crash in 2004, and I'm already on top of logical steps through caretaker team starting surveillance. Getting ready to hang on, crossing digits my years of focus on getting healthier gets me through easier this time if that's where I'm going.

In my head, I keep moving.

last of 2016 30 day challenge- Day Five

Wake up at 2 a.m., drag into the kitchen wondering what to do, and the Lexx world is exploding with news, so I just spent an hour working- linking and sharing to #allthethings- without coffee. That's right, completely *forgot* about coffee.

I've been following several aspie/autie bloggers all fall, has been interesting watching them hacking paths through the same jungle of self discovery vs societal expectations that I've come through. A few of them are even my age, way more eloquent, and much more self aware. Seeing them gives me more context on myself and 'waking up' to self awareness. Mine was a much slower process, and happened so late, even after I made it through my diagnosis and later a disability hearing, it still took more years to process what that really means. I am a legit challenged survivor, and seeing the blogger noobs processing is showing me I'm one of the really lucky ones walking that line. The ones I'm watching were able see they needed to hide their stuff, pretend to play a social game, at least try to toe expected lines, and they're talking about how hard it was. Imagine not even knowing what all that stuff is or why you're being treated poorly by everyone around you. I was so lacking in self awareness that I couldn't see that all my oddizm glowed like neon, and I didn't have a single person to go to for any kind of solace. Because of my life experiences, I feel I have grown much more aware of differing points of view, having to work so hard trying to figure out why in the world people are like they are. I honestly didn't feel like I was meant to be human for a very long time, like I was an alien trying to pass off as human and not getting it.

Hanging on till I see my psychologist tomorrow. I've been counting down. Two different people who know me in real life have let me know over the weekend that I'm doing empathy wrong in convos that were 'just venting' and 'just worrying', so that's it, I'm holding everything down to simple sentences with short syllable words this month. Not even going to try to pretend to empathize the rest of 2016 because it's like I keep saying, I suck at it. If people wanna dump their venting and worrying on me, go for it. Just do it. I'll step aside and you can let it all out while I walk off and get a cup of tea or something, maybe offer an emoji cookie.

Advice to people who know oddizms in real life- if we're actually trying to communicate some kind of compassion, maybe just take it for what it is. Explaining what we're doing wrong instead of sharing what you actually need from us is you doing it wrong. While you're venting and worrying, please note I'm handling stuff, too, and I'm doing my best not to dump it on people. Two people actually noticed and got the subtext behind the remark I made elsewhere about donating my body to science. That is all.

I still have a very long month ahead of me. Maybe I should try getting a little more sleep.