Nixarctica

Hopefully from here there's nowhere to go but up. Crack of dawn is always the coldest. Check this windchill. We are officially colder than Antarctica. Saw that roll through on my local weather on facebook.

Really thought my stats would calm down after I privatized my facebook feed 9 days ago, since facebook was my strongest traffic driver, but apparently that didn't deter anyone. And doing that definitely nailed down a solid steady number of notification hits, because I thought maybe those were extra pings from facebook redundancy 'safety' settings, but apparently not. Whoever you are, I'm holding up my coffee cup to you. I am now able to look at a naked core readership before I even link outside of the bloggersphere.

Okie doke, where were we. I happily jogged down a weird path this week while I let my head settle around real life, and I kinda need to bullet point and catch up.

• MRI came back, confirmed the usual aging spine thing with a new twist, cervial hemangioma shows up in report now. No idea if it's just better reporting for something there all along or if it's new, but it is 'unremarkable'. Probably something they'll just keep an eye on...
• Laying super still on a hard, flat MRI bed for 40 straight minutes was stupid hard on me over the weekend, between bodywide fibro flare and nerve compression was almost unable to walk for a few hours on Saturday, but thankfully coming back out of that.
• Everyone around me keeps getting sick the last 2 months. I haven't yet been really sick like that. Hope I didn't just jinx myself. But if this is real, I've been sticking to raw cruciferous in salads, buncha cooked cruciferous like caramelized brussels sprouts with aged balsamic and parm, yogurt, and chicken. Little bit of cheese and occasional microwaved nachos in small portions. Lotta water. I don't drink anything else but coffee in the morning and a cup of tea in the evening. If diet has an effect on positive immune health, that's what's doing it for me. Stop eating your candy and ice cream and get off the cigs and booze, guys. I'm the puny one and here I am not sick.
• My new 3x3 daily/weekly/monthly personal/home/internet chart is working really well. Syllabus doesn't seem to be doing it for me this winter, so I'm doing chart, ticcing off as I go. Tic chart, guys. In the 3rd grade I got gold, silver, blue, or red stars on a weekly chart for how fast I timed on a multiplication test. (A 'times' test.) In 5th grade I got a circle for every book I read to add to a bookworm. I had the second longest bookworm in the class, went around 3 walls. Charts are fun, but a lot of work to make. I use one sheet in a notebook. Upper third is a list for monthly, just need to see one tic beside each item. Middle third is a list for weekly and I divided into five sections across for all the weeks in the month, each section needs to have one tic in it for each item. Lower third is a list of daily stuff I do, and I don't bother ticcing it. I mostly do it anyway. It's there to remind me to stay on track. Concise, contained, at a glance. Each month I'll make a new page, and I can compare how I do to the months before.
• I've been allowed to take over twitter duties for my fave minecraft server, now that I'm part of staff. I think it's a great way to divert off the twitter mess and pull a tight focus on something I love.
• I need more squirrels in here.

I created a new playlist for positive vibes, to borrow a word from a friend. Music and visuals that calm the mind, as it were. I do this a lot and you guys never see it because I don't share that part of me that goes really deep into the quiet so I can float out of myself. I had a hard time sifting through and sorting out all my Pinky junk the last few years, and I feel like the best direction to go this year is just ignore the F* out of everybody, you know? Be me. Float away in bliss and enjoy my moments. I seem to have arrived to a new place, and I'm ready to take better baggage with me going forward. It's really hard to brain train into calm with chaos and challenge all around, but it's totally worth it. Let's see what I can find this year. :edit: Sorry, didn't realize I had this playlist on private, lol.

spacebook

Red flag on the play, whistle, rebound. Actually, this is something I've been thinking about for several months.

I know what being public means, probably better than a lot of people. I can 'see' so much stuff because I'm good at lurking. I've talked about that here on Pinky blog. I have encouraged you guys many times to check your proxies, use your browser settings to cruise the webs anon, or at least vaguely. It's really not that big of a deal, I really don't care what you do, but since I can sometimes see details most people would think were private or at least protected from anyone outside their sphere being able to find, maybe it is a big deal.

I like baiting. Baiting lets me see all kinds of things. I can usually tell the difference between real people vs crawlers and spam, sometimes glaringly so, but the point is I can tell. I can't always see motivation, but I sometimes get hints. I've talked about that before, too. Again, not a big deal. If any of that really unnerved me I'd have gone dark a long time ago. I've been saying it won't be long until the entire world is public and we can all see all of it anyway. Even if you go off the grid you can be checked on fairly easily, and I don't mean putting GPS trackers on your car or because you talked to someone on a phone. But I don't care about that, either.

I set that bait out a long time ago. I caught the bait being taken. This isn't a petty thing, although it has nothing to do with my personal life in general, and I'm not even upset about it. I had a feeling sooner or later this bait would be taken. And now that it has been, I have no further use for a public personal facebook. That's right, I did all that for one person.

I need to see who I can trust. This person is not my friend on FB and has never returned contact after the minutest out of the way positive one line of comment I left in the most remote place you can imagine, again, not on facebook. Even though we met in real life during a big event and I was asked to turn over my intellectual property and help flip a fandom over, aside from free professional legal advice and an unrelated very brief late night phone call, this person has never in any way contacted me as a real human being with value.

After a particular bait hook went out, this person went through my public timeline and did recon on my family. The bait hook had nothing to do with my family, and I expected a very different kind of recon.

This person is a public relations professional. I feel this was a very unprofessional mistake. I just needed to know that in case something comes up for me in future.

I let that sink in for awhile, as you can see by the date. Making my facebook more private wasn't a rash decision based on emotion of any kind. I seriously doubt it changes anyone's ability to lurk me, actually probably makes the game more fun for some. Making this decision is more of a message. I have no idea if that message will be received, and since the bait took 5+ years, you can see I really don't care and that I have unlimited patience as a lurker deluxe.

There are other people that are much bigger threats or problems for my family, and I wasn't worried about that. I don't feel threatened by this person at all. I could feel flattered that I was worth that amount of stalking from someone who's been so around, but honestly, I'm just not that vain. I have laid out my life for the public, my personal flaws and fails and all the crawling I've done just to get here, and I challenge that person to do the same. Let's see a public relations expert truly go public. Own it.

I say that as a friend. Anyone who knows Pinky blog knows I own all my people, and I check on them. If I've met you and you impressed me, I number you among friends, even if you have no idea. That doesn't mean I am a rug to walk on or a toy to play with. I've already been tried by fire and lain in the abyss. I know what the dark is.

when fools don't fly

Warning- aspienado obsession post. Fly, you fools!

Someone in France is lately interested in my back to conspiracy school and gloriously idiotic posts from last summer. Other than meaning absolutely nothing (coughcough), I have no idea why anyone would even care. Except that 2/3 of my top traffic over the last 30 days is still coming from France.

(I'm not talking about Benedict or Lexx fans. I can see you, too. Hi.) I can see the (likely abandoned) blog the pings pretend not to come from, so I know they're 'fake', except that the pings are manually tweaked every few days, which I've gotten used to and hardly care about any more. One tracker sees the ping part, the other tracker see the actual incoming just before the pings get tweaked again. Someone stays in some fancy places making money off code ripping. I don't want to just blow off other countries like this site suggests since I have real people using search engines showing up and then actually using tags (and I'm able to compare all the stuff I see to fandom blogging, where the readership is worldwide), but again, this has been ridiculously overdone on little ol' Pinky blog. The target pings have been a bit too specific to just blow off.

Do I care? Why would I care? Should I care? I've known all this stuff that I write in my posts for a very long time, a lot of info (aka conspiracy) has gone public now, pretty sure the world has been dredged like a fine flour in brain training going out of control long before media moguls got a good grip on it, and I'm also pretty sure that 'programming' continues through entertainment and 'free' sources through social medias, like youtube accounts going viral. Get a mental picture fixed in several million minds, set the rumor mill in motion, plant seeds and watch them sprout across vast mind fields around the globe. Why are weirdly specific hits still coming in on a really old post that says No, I'm not telling you last night's dream. But it was very weird. It was like the world was becoming synchronized and everyone was being channeled into their favorite drugs and religions and then grouped up for strange mental exercises that broke down their safety barriers (killed the red flags and warning whistles going off in their heads) until everyone was happily wasted and cooperating like drones doing things they'd have resisted doing otherwise.

This has been going on since civilization began, so who even cares?

The ones who want to win care. I want to be on the winner's side. I want to slide into victory and not be culled. Call me shameless, but I've been alluding to that throughout this entire blog.

I've never named who I think or hope the victor might be. I probably wasn't the first to point out that one of the world stage players actually branded themselves into a unique lifestyle that anyone can now voluntarily contract into in exchange for services, although I never saw anyone else say it. That single post on 11-12-16 was what started all this mess on my blog, and that one experimental word (logo) has kept my stats off the hook ever since, to the point of making that post private for awhile trying to make it stop. (I'm neither monetized nor professionally published at this point). My only tags on that post were 'blogging' and 'stats' and I didn't try pushing the link anywhere. I wrote that this bunch was branding months before their official website ever went live, before the rest of the world seemed to even think of that as far as I could tell, and now we have this announcement.


For naysayers, there are a lot of people making really big money behind all kinds of curtains in entertainment, and if someone spams me 94 times on specific blog posts from another country about it, yeah, kinda gets my attention. I'm not alone. And this isn't a singular incident by far.


The fastest way to agenda transparency is to fictionalize it.


Now pay attention to this.


And now we're live tweeting in big groups, sometimes people over the entire world all at the same time. Our emotions spike and plunge for an hour together like an exhausting roller coaster, and while it's brilliant fun and I love how witty some of the viewers can be, it's very telling how easily people are massed controlled.


Um, ok, who volunteers for that kind of testing...

The people who invented margarine wouldn't allow their families to eat it, either. They said stick to butter. Didn't mean to pun that.

Hard veer grinding our gears, what do you guys think about V2K and our phone apps letting us know they'll need permission to access anything at any time? It's smoothly covered by actually interacting, like people asking their phones for info, but I've seen my phone pop on to 'listening' several times over the last month and had to be manually shut back off. This phone is over 2 years old and that never happened before this last month. I've never used that particular app on purpose, but apparently it can randomly just come on now all by itself without me even being near my phone. This stuff is not new. Why now?

Those of you who still go nah, that's just fiction really need to wake up. Weapons based on radio waves - electromagnetic weapons Or don't wake up, I don't care. I'm not saying live in fear or anything, because we've already been immersed in this stuff for years and most of you never knew it anyway, but you need to understand that transparency through fiction means you've already been told. Why make up such extravagant fiction? Why tell the same kinds of stories over and over and over in so many fiction shows and books and comics? Why is it so important to establish that governments have secret agents who may or may not be hunted or celebrities on the side or disappearing or fighting for their lives? Why is this such a huge thing that takes up so much of our entertainment programming?

What is voice to skull? - Click that. It's real.

Let's gear grind again.

I wrote this 3 years ago this month- bioelectricity- evidence that we are someone else's Sims, and this a little over 2 years ago- what if we're all social plug-ins We humans and all kinds of other life on this planet are extremely susceptible to electromagnetic change of any kind, even if it's just on a cellular level and we are not consciously aware of it. Elon Musk went viral about our world possibly being a simulation last year. Odds are we're living in a simulation, says Elon Musk While people freaked out about that, I was wondering how in the world he was so late to the game even saying it? Why didn't he speak up sooner? Because that was already old stuff.

Basically, the info is out there, and it's still very easily accessible for now. Internet regulations are recently changing, other stuff I've pointed out in past posts have changed while we were having holiday, all it would take is a dirty nuke from North Korea to take down the grid and our instant access to information, and who knows if youtube will become super tied down with more stringent policing regulation going forward. There's no excuse not to be knowing this stuff. Y'all can act all surprised, indignant, enraged, and terrified all you want when the shoes start dropping and things change more than you expected, but it's all out there.

I could slide through a whole other thing about the orchestration of internet addiction disorder (former Facebook CEOs have apologized in interviews posted on youtube, stating they knew what they were doing getting user psychologically dependent on the feedback loops), but I need to let it go for now.

Back to the moment.

turkey fam

Things going on this week.

On twitter-

My twitter family tree- Part 1 via Twitter Family game
Love my mama and papa! @DxDerailed @kurtzellner
Mama Deb is my go-to fandom nerd for #DirkGently and Dieter Laser
Papa Kurt gets after me all the time in #latenightmove @LNMgang movie chat at SyfyDesigns.com
You and me, babe @dawnsnarks 😆

My twitter family tree- Part 2 via Twitter Family game
So proud of my kids! @SesameSquirrel and @TScottBrave
My kid Seseme is my fave squirrel source linker and so much more
My kid Scott is my bug and spider expert and hopefully future reference checker on a side project

Also this thread about autism is awesome. Next snip clicks directly to that part of the convo.

On facebook-

In my G+ Lexx community hangout-

I prioritized my work schedule, AJ found out "May" is a college professor now, and Sanguinessa is starting on part 4 of a continuing Tales from a Parallel Universe fanfic series that I've promised to read and review.

I passed the 48 hour mark after surgery today with flying colors, incisions look great, no fever, was even able to skip the pain pill for 15 hours which was awesome because high dose opioids put your digestive system to sleep and I needed mine to wake up. 😋

click for article on wild turkeys

I have come up with a Thanksgiving plan. Our holiday is kinda blown apart with way too much happening around here, but I think this will work ok. I'm going to cook my personal Turkey food a day ahead and then have the kitchen cleaned up and I'm out of the way for Twink to help Granny get a bunch of cooking done with my stove. I'll get up early, as usual, and make hot chocolate on the stove like I do every year, and then I'm going to camp out on my bed with Jawn and hang out on Mo Creatures while I watch Macy's parade on the TV in my bedroom, and Bunny can hang out with me if mama needs her out of her hair. I'm sure I'll be popping on and off the internet randomly as the chaos rolls out, but I do want to hang out online through the day. Hopefully that will work out well.

ixnay on the elfsay imstay

Stuff happened this week.

click for the thread

Wonder if that would happen a lot more if I'd boost this post. I've never boosted a post on Facebook, but I probably will once the book comes out. One of these will click to the twitter link, which already has over 400 impressions in less than 12 hours, the other will click to its new Autisable home.

And I really don't know if that had anything to do with waking up to a Google Alert that Janika Banks has been added to a German white pages listing on Denmark internet.

This is translated.

And I wanted to see if that's a real thing, and sure enough, comes up on page 3 in a Google search for Janika Banks. Brand new out of the bag.

A couple of years ago someone told me they were going to write up my Wikipedia page, and I laughed and said sure, go ahead. No one really has yet, but for some reason I've either been auto-boosted into legitimate search or manually entered by someone on a job or weirdly obsessed. I'm going with auto boost for now. There are so many automated info pages out there I could claim (traity was dumb, I had it for awhile and let it go), but that's way too much work.

Like I told a friend privately a few days ago- "If I don't get my crap done by end of summer, I'm an idiot. My launch platform has never been more visible."

So I get a porn boost right on top of #netneutrality, crack me up, and then I get a major Google Alert on top of my self-stim post. Never in any parallel dimension did I wildly dream of sex selling anything about Janika Banks. Wow.

:edit: Space Cowboy suggests putting pretty girls in vids to sell merch. Pretty sure some of us are in it for the actual music, so here you go.

Also, this is a thing. I have lifetime potential earnings of $33, crack me up. Bet that would change real quick if I could get some of my friends talking with me about Lexx and stuff. Anyway, you can get into this and click around, kinda fun checking out other channels. Very handy.

weighing progress against fail

click for instructions on how to use the fail whale

I've got facebook on my case threatening to make one of my pages invisible and Lex G showing up in my dreams wondering why I'm not working, and when the dream finally got to the telephone part (there's always a phone in these), it was a bunch of pay phones in groups in a park, but they'd all been dismantled and were out of service, with a sign about repairs and upgrades coming soon but no way to connect. Since I saw Dawn sprint by, I'm pretty sure that was twitter.

So my conscience is starting to really hammer at me now. Btw, thanx GeekAaron for taking the time to show up in my dream, as well, wasn't much but I think the point made in my brain is balancing family, hobbies, and work, and your family has been an exceptional role model for me.

Had a super fantastic visit with my psychologist yesterday, though, and it was the best I've felt physically since I met him, so I can't fault the progress I've made. I may be dropping the media balls, but I'm all over the court getting physically and psychologically healthier.

Also I'm dropping weight on this medrol pack, so I'm very happy. I'm back down to where I was at the start of 2017 before the big gabapentin mess, yay! Finally, that took months.

I've been meaning to ask- Anyone notice that I'm letting typos go? I've been letting those slip through since 2017 hit. I'm chill. I mean, I fix stuff, but I don't go back and quibble over with should have been which and stuff like that. Honestly, I see that as a good sign. I used to be so freakishly obsessive that I'd drop everything just to fix a typo from years ago, even if it meant springing back out of bed and booting the laptop back up.

I think Mo Creatures is helping that. I have laughed a few times in chat about being freakishly obsessive and in accumulation overload when people bring up how 'rich' I appear to be, and it really is the very picture of how I operate. If I were like this in real life, I'd be dx'd with severe OCD, but I always trained that into my writing instead of torturing people around me in my house. I know they'll go Well...., so yes, I'm still very bossy about wet towels and used dishes, but I back off on the rest. My house is NOT a museum, it's a fairly laid back sanctuary that visitors call the Nap House, so big win over OCD on that one. When I was more able, I was obsessed with deep cleaning on a weekly basis and would tear the house apart doing windows, rugs, and curtains once a month, stuff like that. I'm still pretty gung ho over laundry, but I've relaxed a lot over time so my poor body could focus on recovery, and it was important to train my brain to let go so my stress levels would go down.

I still want to do my writing. But. And this is important. This is the first time in so many years I have enjoyed playing. Just playing. I'm not pain free, but this is the closest I've come in so long that I can't even remember enjoying sitting in a chair for any length of time, and talking out loud about it still brings tears instantly because it's been so hard. I just don't talk about this stuff out loud.

But yeah, I do think maybe I should pay attention to this dream and revamp my priority list a bit or something. But right now I'm going to enjoy my coffee and run around my claims killing trolls and manticores. fam

disturbances kaleidoscopic

💟🦃🍁🎈💃

That's as close to a Thanksgiving autumn parade theme as the new emojis will get. There's no pie emoji. I don't have pie on my phone, either. What's up with that?

Lotta pie tweets in the gang last night. No one I know is making any piecaken. I can't eat any of it any more anyway, but piecaken fascinates me. Here is a Thanksgiving piecaken. Click it for the recipe. I think in the old days, I'd have tried making one just to see if I could.

I don't think we're doing much here this year. All I was going to make was an actual turkey, but I have been talked into pie. I said ONE pie. So I picked up a can of pumpkin, a frozen pie crust, and a can of redi-whip yesterday.

I'm feeling particularly brainless this week, but still on track with chores, $$, and calendar. Funny, even tweeting and barely looking at the TV, I was able to remember a bunch of stuff going on in Dirk Gently earlier this week and @bonenado was kinda lost, reverse of our usual. My fave character, naturally, is Bartine Curlish, the crazy homocidal holistic assassin, played by Fiona Dourif (her dad is a huge fave of mine, played Wormtongue in LOTR and many other parts and shows). BBCA says "Bart is a terrifying, homicidal, deranged, fearless, and nearly invincible self-identified holistic assassin. Like Dirk, she is a causality psychic. Bart doesn’t determine who she kills or when and how she kills them. It’s all instinctual. Drawn towards people who kill or endanger others, she feels a second nature urge to eliminate them, which she can do with very little effort. She’s rough, rude, kind of gross and an upsetting person, but there’s a complex sweetness to her. Bart is comfortable with who she is and unlike Dirk, she’s found peace with her power." How could I NOT be drawn to this character?

She went from this

to this, and if you click this next one, you can follow her on twitter.

🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃

Ok, switching gears. Let's talk Facebook and why I'm not on board. I kept getting notifications on my phone last night during The Flash about invitations to join messenger by a certain person, and since that person is who they are, I had my doubts. Facebook has done this to me before, throwing a name out here or there saying they're inviting me to join messenger. I finally got on my laptop last night and direct messaged and found out not only was this person NOT initiating contact, but was just arriving home from a funeral. So not cool, Facebook.

Facebook is one of the most intrusive social medias I've ever used. I've complained about it for years, to the point of deleting and not using it one year. I'm back on it as part of my social media hub and for Lexx stuff, but I am keenly aware that Facebook auto-shares my personal and private info behind my back in so many ways that I cannot find every single setting there is to turn that off. On top of that, Facebook looks into my phone AND my hard drive to continually suggest many things to me, from friends to shopping, and in some cases has made some very faux pas assumptions about mixing bad blood kind of history. And by bad blood, I mean possibly dangerous. If I'm getting these suggestions, then they probably are, too.

After last night's extremely awkward and poorly timed contact, I loathe Facebook more than ever. I think I may be tweaking a few more settings. Also, I will NEVER use a Facebook messenger app on my phone, so if any of you ever receive invitations from me, it's not me because I don't have the messenger app installed. I also have the chat feature turned OFF on my laptop. I've still been allowing nonfriends access to private contact since that is the only way some people can get hold of me, but it's so rare that anyone actually does that I ignore it for days, and have been known to miss seeing a message for 2 years.

Some of you may think I live in the stone age, but I still have quite a number of your personal contact details against my every wish because social medias and Android are so grab happy about info swapping and sharing. Trying to stay public every day against this kind of instrusiveness has been very facepalm for aspienado. I could go on into the ways I'm dealing with anxiety over this (my physical therapist was impressed yesterday how long I've stuck through psychological therapy), and I've actually got an eye twitching just writing this paragraph. Just started. Maybe I'd better switch gears again.

🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃

I think between Thanksgiving and Christmas I'm going to divert into a side project and see if I can stay on track getting through it before the holidays are over. I'll still be tweeting and movie gang and minecraft and stuff, but hopefully I can stay focused and get myself back onto the main track for 2017. I've dropped a lot of stuff juggling through this year and I need to get my focus back.

I'm also thinking about a new sox direction. O_O Yes, you heard me.

Happy Turkey Bird, fellow 'Muricans!

walking the dinosaur

click for more Simpsons coffee gifs

Eating coffee ice cream at 10:30 last night wasn't the brightest idea I've had, but hey, it was ~party time~! Unfortunately, my personal party time continued till about 1:00 a.m., long past Bunny and Papa falling asleep. And I am the first one dragging back up at 6 a.m. hovering over coffee like a hobo over a tiny fire.

The party began just before sundown when prehistoric Bunny walked into our house. This is a pic mama got her to stand still for, there's no way I could've gotten a pic myself last night because she was so wound up from a party at her daycare. She looooooves having a tail.

A Batman pic came in, too, with a notation that this was his attitude toward pumpkins the entire time, which cracks me up.

I did loads of multitasking during last night's #Stakeland2 live tweet on @Syfy. First, I got bumped to the TV in the bedroom because Bunny was watching Care Bears on the big TV, then 5 minutes later she was running back and forth between rooms making a game out of bringing me fake meals, then she wanted another bread and butter sandwich (wound up making 3, and she got jelly all over the couch, but that was Papa's problem). I can't believe I was able to live tweet at all since I was missing so much, but it kinda made it way more fun.

For a super dead live tweet, I got a sweet 199 impressions on this one

and I couldn't believe this one pulled in 250.

I know, I'm excited over that when last week I pulled in 14K just on one tweet during a live tweet. I think the dead live tweets are more challenging, like a game. If you can score, it's real.

Anyway, Bunny found the change bowl and stuck her fingers in my face commanding me that we were going to play pennies for "2 MINUTES" (funny how they mimic what adults do, so now I'm wondering who got in her face about "2 MINUTES" because she looked pretty stern and kept repeating it), so we spent 20 minutes sorting and resorting pennies, big ones, tiny ones, and nickels (nickels are always the hardest)

and by the time I got back to the live tweet, only 2 people got the joke, and I'm pretty sure one of them wasn't even watching.

I love controlled chaos, so of course I let Bunny break all the eggs herself this morning, but later I took the heat for the bit of shell she ran into that put her off the rest of her scrambled eggs. I could easily blame the sous chef, but meemaw admitted fault for missing one of about 20 pieces of shell that got picked out. Bad chef! NO TIP FOR ME!

And then Papa was her best friend for awhile going outside while I cleaned up. This is a rare capture, they're usually blurs. Mama would be horrified at the glorious unmatchiness since Bunny pretty much grew up baby GAP at home, so hopefully 60s hippie meemaw doesn't get called on this, lol.

I regained my uber cool status when we got this thing going. That was an interesting mess. Papa said the little bones tasted sour, so he munched on those while Bunny discovered candy corn. Mama is going to have a big surprise later between the black icing and the quart of grapes she's eaten so far.

Most of the rest of this is rambly, but I'm parking thoughts here so I'll know later about when I was thinking them. I'll need point of reference if things change.

Other stuff going on in the background this weekend has included researching a couple of host sites that will allow me to build my own webpage from scratch, which would be as close to self-hosting as I could get without actually running my own server 24/7. The big photobucket fail for several hours was very disturbing, and I need a redundancy plan.

I need this... I'll probably never own one.

I may also wind up going into partial seclusion sometime in hopefully the not too near future (I haven't been talking about the 3 writing projects I keep diving into on the side on top of everything else, because alla sudden there is real science coming out about some of the ideas I first got 10-20 years ago and I could have totally been vindicated by now if I'd gotten those into print), and the neverending cycle of not feeling like I'm getting anywhere is shredding my attitude, so somehow I've gotta collect myself and focus on the Plans around my stack of spirals, which mysteriously float hither and yon. Bunny nearly pulled a stack out of a sack last night, and I was diving for it going NOOOOOOoooooooo.....

By the way, this wins facebook this week, click for the source.

Another thing I've been thinking deeply about for a couple of months is titrating off the xanax again. It's super low dose, I haven't been back on it that long, I've got back up from gabapentin now, and my health is super this time around (my first titration lasted 2 years coming out of illness that had taken me down for several years), so surely I can do this again. I know, right, titrating off a mood stabilizer over holidays, but seriously, I think it's important to keep letting my nervous system try to heal, and suppressing GABA receptors probably isn't the best way to do that. I'll hafta grain by grain it, I'm not stupid. It could take a year to get clean again without going through nasty withdrawal.

This wins, too, and clicks to source.

I have a sleep study Monday night. I'm hoping daily zyrtec-gabapentin-xanax doesn't skew it, because I'm not comfortable with the way I'm zonking so hard lately, and I really don't want to wind up on some kind of breathing assistance while I sleep. I understand it's important to brain health, but it's not the answer to underlying problems. I'm not that overweight, and I've noticed that even sitting up I automatically stop breathing when I fall asleep, and I think it's because I'm so relaxed that I just don't breathe for awhile. I've been doing this for years, but it's worse lately and I think the gabapentin isn't letting me wake up like I'd prefer to do. Fibromyalgia is much easier to deal with in the mornings if I'm not conked like a log straight through the night with very little position change. The more I move around through the night, the easier the next day is, have noticed this for years. When a doctor asks if I'm sleeping good, I point blank say I prefer not to sleep good, because I actually hurt less when I wake up a lot, because I get up and walk around. I know this is screwing up the deep sleep rhythms that need to keep cycling without interruption, but so is everything else, meds especially. I'd rather sleep 6 or less hours a night than 8 hours a night, and I think that's been a natural thing for me since childhood because I've always woken up a lot through the night. I don't know how people can sleep 10 hours away. That's like a once in 5 years event for me.

Wo, this is cool.

I think I've had enough of the whole 'you owe me' swap on social medias. I don't owe anyone follow backs or friend adds on twitter or facebook or to keep a polite connection when they abandon or don't interact, and I'm using an app that's letting me see accounts that have gone inactive. Since I've so rigorously scrubbed my twitter twice now, I was really surprised to find out 300+ more accounts have simply gone dormant just in the last 3-6 months, so since there's nothing for me to keep up with, I'm waving goodbye to them. Likewise, I have finally embraced exclusionary lists on facebook when the need arises. Several acquaintances don't seem to understand my preference for respect and courtesy across all of humanity in a public venue, and since it's MY page, I'm going to start taking my cue from a couple of very visible and prominent female celebrities I'm friended with and simply cut people off when it happens. I've been able to remain as public as I can for 4 years now so that lurkers and followers don't have to jump hoops just to see what I'm doing, and all it takes is a few to undermine the integrity of my content and degrade it into mockery or hate. I'm done with that. I don't owe anyone equal time on my own turf. No one ever sees how many friend adds I decline. I'm about ready for people who ignore the real me to get a clue. I'm not on social media to be used.

The one I love deserves better than that.

post post title here

Mel and I exactly tied at one point last night.

She's got a tight end left, I've got a wide receiver and a defense. I'll try to be gentle tonight.

Ok. Twitter and Facebook, looking at you guys. People actually telling, no- commanding people they've known a long time to unfollow if they didn't agree on candidate. I can't tell you how many times across accounts I saw this happening, so I'm not picking on anyone, but I feel a disturbance in the force. Lemme help you.

• You have a block button.
• You have your own unfollow button.
• You have a mute button.
• In some cases (thank you, Facebook), you even have a "I'd rather not see posts like these" in your settings.

Venomously telling people to unfollow you regardless of history or length of relationship is idiotic, stupid, shallow, mean, and completely undermines whatever faith in humanity motif you feel you represent. You know, in case you wake up sometime before holidays and wonder why old friends or family are no longer talking to you.

By the way, Snarkalecs win the internet. Brava on actually making the debate funny.

Moving on.

@bonenado's new ride. 80K, 10 years old, nearly perfect interior. Well deserved. It's about time he gave himself a break.

And these guys.

Most years it's ladybugs smothering our house, this year it's pine processionary caterpillars (beware that link, I had to cancel an auto download, but it's an excellent study), and the really stupid thing about them is that the hairs can pierce you like porcupine barbs and can cause rashes and eye irritation, and even allergic reactions, which we all know would be really bad for moi. Hundreds of them are all over the ground, my front deck, and around my door, and just picking up a box UPS dropped off meant having to roll it around knocking caterpillars off all sides without touching them. They are creating the most prolific 'bagworm' year we've ever seen (bagworms are something else entirely), and it's actually visually pretty because it's so saturating that it's creating a pleasing balance across the landscape.
8 of the cutest toxic caterpillars

In other news, we're all asking, "Where is autumn?" Looking at watches. "It should have been here by now." This year is just weird. We've had fast autumns where the leaves all go brown and drop in one week flat, gorgeous autumns that suddenly vanish after one stormy night, long staggered autumns where the trees are confused and slowly realize 'oh', but this one is the first time I've ever seen #allthetrees forget to turn. Next week is traditional peak, and people are going, um, wanna plan an outing around autumn peak, not sure how to do this...

spit

All righty, I'm all over the place again, so let's see what's going on. @bonenado made fun of me this morning.

Facebook says I'm going to hell. This clicks back to facebook, and from there you can click to the test to see where you're going.

I really want this blue shirt like Daniel Tosh is wearing. Pic clicks to Tosh on Comedy Central.

I am apparently one of the rarest and most difficult to deal with personality types there are, so it's not surprising that Facebook says I'm going to hell. The pic clicks to the test if you want to find out your own personality, but you can also learn more here.

It's amazing how fast the rest of your face dries out when you have to spit a lot. Spitting sounds easy, how hard is it to produce a little bit of spit? Harder than you think. Our little human spit pouches feel like a big deal until we get graded on how fast we can produce the stuff. (You people thinking bad things, shame on you.)

That's right, I've been flagged 3 different ways for hereditary cancer, and medicare does NOT pay for this, so I'm hoping my supplement plan picks some of it up. The rest will go on a payment plan. I'd rather know than not know, right? My sisters and daughter will all be curious to know the results when I get them about a month from now. No idea if I'm the first family member to be tested, so if I turn out positive for carrier, the results will get passed around privately among a national network of genetically related individuals. This pic clicks to more info.

In the meantime, @bonenado is out picking up more stuff for salssssssa. We've got a tomato hill growing on the counter that needs immediate attention. Oh, and a scope for a deer rifle. We've decided his Native American name is Man With Bad Eyes And Crooked Bow. He also got scent bombs, fox urine, buck urine, a cool vest with a slick back pocket big enough to hold a machete, leg zip water proof camo pants that'll go with his new boots, and a tripod stool for when he's bow hunting. He's demonstrating it to me now. Woops, folded up on him. He's practicing the stand up maneuver. My knees would be too locked in place to stand up from something that low. Every year is pretty hilarious. I should look through my old private blogs sometime and do a special @bonenado post.

Sometimes I just have to pause on minecraft and appreciate that I'm actually part of real time 'living' art.

Real life. I keep telling you guys I live in Mirkwood. My house is on the other side of that huge wall of jungle in front of us there. (insert- that unmown grass on the left is 5-6 feet tall, and I'm not kidding, use the mailbox on the right for context) (and so you now have a mental picture when I start whining about pollen again...)

The forest looms.

We've got several kinds of wild grapes (raccoon grapes are a real thing) and whatever berries, I think this might be bittersweet, but that's just a guess. Between the gallons of acorns, hickory nuts, and walnuts and all the crazy wild berries and fruits around here (persimmon, pawpaw, osage orange), we have no lack of wildlife. Sometimes the squirrel population explodes, sometimes it's chipmunks, other years we might see foxes regularly, it's just up and down, mostly depending on weather and diseases spreading around. Big rabies and distemper area. (Scott just let me know the number of bats in the bat house has tripled since he looked last.)

Yeah, you can tell, right? I'm evening out on my meds this week. This is now my 5th week on gabapentin, first week back on beta blocker, first week of doubled zyrtec, and I seem to be busy and juggling all the things pretty well for a change. I'm able to do things without constantly maneuvering and planning around pain. There's still a bit there, but it's a little more manageable now. I've been able to start my workouts again, and I assess back into physical therapy in a few days, so just being more capable has shifted me into a terrific mood. I know that could be transitory, but while it lasts I have been enjoying getting my new syllabus on track, where I spend an hour every day reading and/or watching TV during the day to keep me time oriented and off minecraft. Minecraft is still hard and fast but less often, and so far my money and calendar syncs are still matching, even though I feel ditzy half the time.

That was quite a confession the other day, wasn't it? I remember in my 20s it was so taboo to even say out loud "I'm depressed." Over the years it was still taboo to admit it even to a doctor, much less a friend or someone from church, because the stigma of mental illness was so prominent that it meant immediate judgement and hushing up to hold down the tittering that would go on behind people's backs. My mother never got the real help she needed because of that. She begged people for help in the only way she knew how, ways that were controlled and sanctioned by a rigid belief system, and she died way too soon because of it, even though she fought hard the only way she knew to be herself, with all her glorious mood swings and the ways she could never quite fit into what people expected of her.

My mom was one of the kindest people anyone around us knew, spending money we didn't have to make sure other people's bills were paid, actually taking food to the destitute falling through cracks, making sure lonely people got cards in the mail during their last days of long illness. I'm not capable of that, but I am capable of standing up and saying I'm mentally ill and the world hasn't ended and my life is good, and I share this because it's important, and I hope other people can learn and realize that standing up for our own truths and honesty is how we survive.

I am not an easy person. I've learned how to be kind, but I'm not naturally born sweet. Hi, I'm Pinky, and I'm ok with myself.