Do we own our own brains?

I guess March started off pretty good. I wasn't fast enough to catch whether it was a bot spam thing or a linkback, and no idea where it happened. I'm slacking off quite a bit this year on the stat stuff, but it's still nice to catch it once in awhile.

This despite sliding down a slippery depression slope, right. It cheered me up a bit. I could see myself actually repelling people for about a week there.

One of the interesting turns being taken in stats is the more dismal I become in general, the more I'm getting hit worldwide by people who start digging through the tags. I'm seeing a number of one-off trails, like an IP here and there making single hits through a variety of pages all bearing the same tag. Real readers.

We are important to each other. We are the real life other people can see happening behind the 'news' being broadcast and scripted across the webs. We are the ones living our days, the ones problem solving our ways through the scary messes we see in the news all around us. We need to be there for each other behind all that. Just keep living and talking and finding things to love and enjoy. No matter how dark it gets around me, there will always be something I will notice that I can think about, distract myself from fear and anxiety.

One thing I notice and talk about sometimes is now synchronized most of us are on social medias. We go through the same mood swings almost all at the same time, and if you look back through timestamps, you can see this really is a pattern. I know a lot of it is weather related, some of it is time of year related (the February slump after holidays and before the last school term surge is brutal), and definitely 'news' related if you watch too much chain yanking on broadcasts or in feeds.

I couldn't help noticing there was a single day a few days ago that several people I know plummeted into the depths and said very nearly identical phrases relating to depression and anxiety. Since I get around so much social media (super lurker) and hang out in real time on a game server with players from around the world, I am able to see all the little pings going off at the same time. I wish I had thought to screenshot through that entire day, it would have made for a very interesting study.

There is some controversy over 5G coming, and whether that will allow 'mind control'. Even when your tech is turned off, it still monitors and relays info. Your GPS signal, if there is location software in your tech, is always ON, unless you pull the battery out. Most tech nowadays have internal batteries to keep atomic time sync, but what else? Microwaves will blink like clocks when power goes out, but our phones and televisions and game consoles don't do that. When we pick them back up, they are already synced and ready to go.

And as I type this, my cursor is moving around of its own free will, which is very interesting considering I have remote share turned off. Hang on a sec.

Ok. You guys have no idea how often I reboot on any given day. And my phone, too. I started noticing around 2009 that I got particular attention from Langley in my stats if I used certain keywords, because only political opinion posts got those hits. I've toyed with visibility and search engines and stats for years and I see some interesting things. You'd think Oh, I'm just a little blogger, who would even care, right. Well, someone cares. It's gotten uber ridiculous with Pinky blog, and I had to train myself to just ignore it, although I have some outstanding screenshots of geolocations that would probably drop a few jaws. I'm not bragging at all saying that, and I think it would be unwise of me to share those screenshots on a public blog. All I can say is, some of those locations are top notch conspiracy level areas, and I can nail it down to where on the street or under a tree a few of these are because someone didn't have a clue how to use a proxy. At all. Like it was a brand new device straight out of a package and full location disclosure was pure green light. I don't know if that's on purpose or not, but yeah, I got the hint. One post in particular, yes. It unnerved me so badly I made that post private for awhile, and I just got hammered after that.

You know what? I don't care. If anything mysterious ever happens to me, that only proves I was right. That is all. If nothing happens, then nothing happens. I'm probably on a list, but I'm pretty sure a lot of us are.

Anyway, back to where I was going with this. There's been some concern about 5G.

• 5G networks will use the same frequencies as pain-inflicting crowd control weapons

And that's one of the nice articles. Here's one of the nastier ones.

• 5G Technology: A Health Crisis Waiting To Happen

Ok, stick with me for a second remembering a few things. On Ghost Hunters one of the first things they would do trying to debunk a haunting would be to check electrical fields with an EMF meter, right, because everyone knows an electrical field over a certain power level can mess with human emotional and physical states, causing anxiety and nausea and even worse. Imagine focusing an EM field very specifically. If you are carrying around tech that continually monitors your location and even measures and transmits your movements (Fitbit, lol), how easy would it be to use that field to affect your personal state of being? Some are concerned about suggestive programming, like this.

• Rewriting Life- How Network Neuroscience Is Creating a New Era of Mind Control
• 
  
• Mind Control with Electromagnetic Frequency
• 
  
• Mind control: New light technology can manipulate memories, emotions and thoughts
• 
  
• How a handful of tech companies control billions of minds every day

Lol, scared yet? I'm not trying to scare you, but if you aren't aware this is very real and has been going on awhile, you need to wake up a little.

Back to here and now. I'm watching anxiety and depression levels spike up and down across medias almost in a rhythm for awhile, and this latest one a few days ago was unreal because I noticed so many people said nearly identical phrases within 2-3 hours of each other across several medias in a variety of areas, and almost to the hour expressed later that they felt better. I noticed I went through the same sensations, as well, the palpable tension for awhile and then the relief later being a bit more noticeable than my usual mood swings. I don't want to immediately jump on the idea that seemed like an experimental test run of something, but I will say that was just weird.

If you are having a bad day and don't know what to do about it, it's always a good idea to touch base with someone to keep some balance. I myself heavily use tech to keep distant people around me through the day. However, I also think it might be a good idea to take short tech breaks. Do restarts and reboots. Walk away and go do a few chores here and there. Get a little distance and see if you feel better. Take some cleansing breaths while you stretch a little bit, tidy up a room, think about arranging the next meal, take care of a kid or a pet, stuff like that, and refresh your physical vitality. Hydrate while you're at it.

If you notice anxiety and/or depression cycles hit while you are holding or right next to tech, immediately put it down and move away from it. I'm not saying be afraid of it, I'm just saying control your moment. I always use tech every day, it's part of my life and probably always will be. I've been making jokes about being in line for the brain chip for years. However, unless you have something like a parent on hospice or some other reason to keep a phone on, turn it off while you sleep. Log off your computer at least once a day, especially if you're away from the house or sleeping. Just turn it off.

Your body has a natural electrical biorhythm that needs its own default cycle to be healthy. Every day we interrupt our biorhythms with electrical fields. We get used to low grade function and not moving around a whole lot, but over time our bodies and minds degrade. We are aging faster. We live in physical bodies on this world, and they are made to keep moving around.

Brains have their own natural EM fields.

• Electromagnetic theories of consciousness
• 
  
• Human electricity and the human electro magnetic field

Keeping your brain immersed in a disruptive EM field can make you feel things you normally wouldn't be feeling otherwise.

• 10 Things an Electromagnetic Field Can Do to Your Brain
• 
  
• Magnetism and the Brain- "Magnetism Can Alter Our Ethical Position"
• 
  
• Could certain frequencies of electromagnetic waves or radiation interfere with brain function?

I think the scariest part of all of this is the idea that tech giants worth billions can influence how we use our brains en masse, and possibly even directly impact our activities. When I see so many people I care about across such a wide amount of distance hovering over their tech saying nearly identical phrases at nearly the same time, what am I supposed to think?

when fools don't fly

Warning- aspienado obsession post. Fly, you fools!

Someone in France is lately interested in my back to conspiracy school and gloriously idiotic posts from last summer. Other than meaning absolutely nothing (coughcough), I have no idea why anyone would even care. Except that 2/3 of my top traffic over the last 30 days is still coming from France.

(I'm not talking about Benedict or Lexx fans. I can see you, too. Hi.) I can see the (likely abandoned) blog the pings pretend not to come from, so I know they're 'fake', except that the pings are manually tweaked every few days, which I've gotten used to and hardly care about any more. One tracker sees the ping part, the other tracker see the actual incoming just before the pings get tweaked again. Someone stays in some fancy places making money off code ripping. I don't want to just blow off other countries like this site suggests since I have real people using search engines showing up and then actually using tags (and I'm able to compare all the stuff I see to fandom blogging, where the readership is worldwide), but again, this has been ridiculously overdone on little ol' Pinky blog. The target pings have been a bit too specific to just blow off.

Do I care? Why would I care? Should I care? I've known all this stuff that I write in my posts for a very long time, a lot of info (aka conspiracy) has gone public now, pretty sure the world has been dredged like a fine flour in brain training going out of control long before media moguls got a good grip on it, and I'm also pretty sure that 'programming' continues through entertainment and 'free' sources through social medias, like youtube accounts going viral. Get a mental picture fixed in several million minds, set the rumor mill in motion, plant seeds and watch them sprout across vast mind fields around the globe. Why are weirdly specific hits still coming in on a really old post that says No, I'm not telling you last night's dream. But it was very weird. It was like the world was becoming synchronized and everyone was being channeled into their favorite drugs and religions and then grouped up for strange mental exercises that broke down their safety barriers (killed the red flags and warning whistles going off in their heads) until everyone was happily wasted and cooperating like drones doing things they'd have resisted doing otherwise.

This has been going on since civilization began, so who even cares?

The ones who want to win care. I want to be on the winner's side. I want to slide into victory and not be culled. Call me shameless, but I've been alluding to that throughout this entire blog.

I've never named who I think or hope the victor might be. I probably wasn't the first to point out that one of the world stage players actually branded themselves into a unique lifestyle that anyone can now voluntarily contract into in exchange for services, although I never saw anyone else say it. That single post on 11-12-16 was what started all this mess on my blog, and that one experimental word (logo) has kept my stats off the hook ever since, to the point of making that post private for awhile trying to make it stop. (I'm neither monetized nor professionally published at this point). My only tags on that post were 'blogging' and 'stats' and I didn't try pushing the link anywhere. I wrote that this bunch was branding months before their official website ever went live, before the rest of the world seemed to even think of that as far as I could tell, and now we have this announcement.


For naysayers, there are a lot of people making really big money behind all kinds of curtains in entertainment, and if someone spams me 94 times on specific blog posts from another country about it, yeah, kinda gets my attention. I'm not alone. And this isn't a singular incident by far.


The fastest way to agenda transparency is to fictionalize it.


Now pay attention to this.


And now we're live tweeting in big groups, sometimes people over the entire world all at the same time. Our emotions spike and plunge for an hour together like an exhausting roller coaster, and while it's brilliant fun and I love how witty some of the viewers can be, it's very telling how easily people are massed controlled.


Um, ok, who volunteers for that kind of testing...

The people who invented margarine wouldn't allow their families to eat it, either. They said stick to butter. Didn't mean to pun that.

Hard veer grinding our gears, what do you guys think about V2K and our phone apps letting us know they'll need permission to access anything at any time? It's smoothly covered by actually interacting, like people asking their phones for info, but I've seen my phone pop on to 'listening' several times over the last month and had to be manually shut back off. This phone is over 2 years old and that never happened before this last month. I've never used that particular app on purpose, but apparently it can randomly just come on now all by itself without me even being near my phone. This stuff is not new. Why now?

Those of you who still go nah, that's just fiction really need to wake up. Weapons based on radio waves - electromagnetic weapons Or don't wake up, I don't care. I'm not saying live in fear or anything, because we've already been immersed in this stuff for years and most of you never knew it anyway, but you need to understand that transparency through fiction means you've already been told. Why make up such extravagant fiction? Why tell the same kinds of stories over and over and over in so many fiction shows and books and comics? Why is it so important to establish that governments have secret agents who may or may not be hunted or celebrities on the side or disappearing or fighting for their lives? Why is this such a huge thing that takes up so much of our entertainment programming?

What is voice to skull? - Click that. It's real.

Let's gear grind again.

I wrote this 3 years ago this month- bioelectricity- evidence that we are someone else's Sims, and this a little over 2 years ago- what if we're all social plug-ins We humans and all kinds of other life on this planet are extremely susceptible to electromagnetic change of any kind, even if it's just on a cellular level and we are not consciously aware of it. Elon Musk went viral about our world possibly being a simulation last year. Odds are we're living in a simulation, says Elon Musk While people freaked out about that, I was wondering how in the world he was so late to the game even saying it? Why didn't he speak up sooner? Because that was already old stuff.

Basically, the info is out there, and it's still very easily accessible for now. Internet regulations are recently changing, other stuff I've pointed out in past posts have changed while we were having holiday, all it would take is a dirty nuke from North Korea to take down the grid and our instant access to information, and who knows if youtube will become super tied down with more stringent policing regulation going forward. There's no excuse not to be knowing this stuff. Y'all can act all surprised, indignant, enraged, and terrified all you want when the shoes start dropping and things change more than you expected, but it's all out there.

I could slide through a whole other thing about the orchestration of internet addiction disorder (former Facebook CEOs have apologized in interviews posted on youtube, stating they knew what they were doing getting user psychologically dependent on the feedback loops), but I need to let it go for now.

Back to the moment.

I should be nature blogging

This is wussup in between the storms here. Sunny days are actually pretty rare this year and no guarantees whatsoever. You drive up the road without an umbrella on a pretty day, joke's on you hauling groceries back home.

I love my yucca. It's grown into a twin, but this is my fave in my whole yard. It's at least 7 feet tall now.

I'm kind of allergic to Queen Anne's Lace, but it's beautiful and I love seeing it. This one is up to my chest. That's right, so is that grass. Too bad I don't have a buncha money to buy that lot across the road and stick a buffalo in it, but we're zoned against livestock anyway. *le sigh*

The butterfly bushes are popping out. There's a massive purple one in the background that hasn't bloomed yet that makes the whole yard smell like someone spilled a vat of honey.

The gladiolas normally pop out right around a week or two before the 4th of July, like nature's fireworks, just a tad early this year, like the irises being done before Mother's Day instead of just in time for it like they usually are.

Duking it out with Kaspersky, two browsers, and an update that only took one second once I figured it out, in the meantime was like pulling teeth just loading 4 pix for 30 minutes from two different devices. Not sure why that didn't slow me down earlier when I slit a vein and wrote out a full confession in blood. (That's writer talk. I didn't really slit a vein or write anything in blood. That would've screwed up my keyboard.) Whatevs. I have no regrets. *other mes slapping me behind the screen* Just hurry up and world sync the tech already, these corporate wars grinding my tech incompatibilities to a standstill are getting really stupid.

I'll be in Valhalla if anyone needs me. Unless the internet keeps browning out from all this rain.

~one weekend later~

2 pounds. *poof* Also...

I finally found a way to move 3300+ files off my phone onto Jawn, and my next step in that process is to move all that onto storage disks, flash drives, backup hard drive, whatever it takes. I was loathe to use pinterest because once they're in someone else's storage, I really have no control over whether they stay available for my own use, like if the national grid collapses after North Korea dirty nukes our atmosphere or something. I don't trust the cloud, and even though I use multiple host servers across the U.S. and even around the world, I know ALL of that could be gone in an eye blink. Local hard copy will be a fallback if the world ever goes boom and crashes for any reason. After watching servers go down during hurricanes, yeah, that. The public is largely unaware just how huge the digital storage market is, and how much money changes hands over it. Doesn't mean it can't be lost, like photos in floods and fires. I'm surprised our hosts don't offer us insurance packages against digital storage loss. I don't mean like phone insurance, I mean like cloud insurance.

I'm on the impossible plane of high speed flat brain, and since the minuscule amount of braining going on is such sigh speed that I can't hold a thought more than a minute or two, I'm mostly ignoring it. I'm aware that it's May now, and that's all I feel I need to know.

Oh yeah, we got my bedroom flipped over the weekend. Major wall to wall reversal that will solve a whole lot of space problems. I love it. It's like having a new bedroom. That was the last big step in my spaceship overhaul reclaiming wasted space. Our lives are so slo-mo in high speed around here. I feel like we're on a rocket ship crazily hurtling through a long empty stretch between galaxies. Sometimes we feel how crazy it is, but we're stuck in this time lag and process it all very slowly. It's been almost two years since I wrote that post.

The rest of my brain is gummed up. Let's find a vid and get outa here.

bone blocks and red rocks

click to see more

There's a thing that happens on the Mo Creatures server making me think a bit about time order. The dimension we live in heavily depends on it, but we seem to be able to think in ways contrary to that, which I don't think should even be possible to cross our minds unless it really is possible for time order and spacetime to work differently. Of course our brains have specific wiring for us to be able to experience time order, and certain kinds of brain damage can make time feel jumpier than the smooth moment to moment that we normally experience. At worst, time can become so disconnected that a person can become very confused and disoriented, but it's always within their own cognitive experience. When a group of people share the same time jumpy memories, as in UFO abduction stories, we start to dig deeper into what is really happening, but we still have no conclusive evidence or proof that a time disorder really happened independently of local cognitive processes.

Once in awhile, due to whatever issue, the server goes through a lag and then a sudden jump or series of jumps. Sometimes it simply jumps forward catching up all the commands I've executed to real time. Sometimes it's a little more complex and knocks me back a few blocks and then replays the series of commands I've executed, making it seem like deja vu. And sometimes it suddenly lag-jumps in a way that makes things 'disappear' or 'lost' or at the very least seem a bit nonsensical. Yesterday the jump and replay was so convoluted that I watched all my commands re-happen out of order, but the consequences changed. It involved a re-teleport and items placed not just replayed or backward, but shuffled up completely out of sequence, and all of a sudden I was missing one particular block I had made the special teleport trip to get, but everything I did just before placing it apparently reappeared intact, even though I got 'bumped' over a block. When a moderator got involved, I think they could see I was still holding that block, but there was no way I could see it or interact with it until they handed me more of the same item to my inventory, and once I handed their amount back, I could see my own block just fine and finally placed it where I wanted it. (:edit: I worded that wrong. I was told to keep that extra inventory, but once I opened my inventory and closed it again, I was able to see and use my own block.)

That seems an awful lot like spooky magic. In reality, it's a series of executable commands in lines of code, and they actually have nothing at all to do with each other except they're supposed to retain a sort of time sequence integrity. If we step into the sort of dimension where we see the world as code, we can see what actually happens, but if we step into my laptop dimension java talking to incoming information that has to be processed from a server and then processed and consciously interpreted through a completely different server such as my brain (experiencing my experience, as it were), we see a mangle of what my real life brain interprets as spooky magic. It was only my processor talking to their server in a weird sort of un-time because electrons and radio waves actually are kinda spooky on a quantum level, but my own experience interpreted a code entanglement as time suddenly getting all jumbled up and something disappearing.

This post is me practicing how to do words around that kind of stuff because I'm working on a real story (have been for years) that I'm wondering if I should share straight to a blog because my life keeps getting so interrupted that it seems like I'll never get that story actually published.

This is how a red glass aquarium rock (bead, pellet, whatever it's called) looks from another dimension of light travel.

A sequence of events (executable commands) led to the placement of that rock, and I think 'time travel' is greatly misnomered and could be a very useful tool in lieu of surgery, should it come to that. I think it should be possible to be able to step out and revisit the code lines of executable commands and then take a command line out without messing up the overall sequence of events that led to this 'fix' having to take place. And that alone springs all kinds of philosophical debates to life. Don't worry, I won't list them (but I really could) because I'm still on my first cup of coffee and I really want to get over to Mo Creatures and keep working on my bone block ceiling in the uber cool big spooky dark library I am fixing up to spawn surprise creatures of the night on unsuspecting guests. Too bad I can't code time glitches into their experiences and really freak them out, right?

If you like thinking about code in real life, I've also got a post called wassappening that you might like.

brothers in arms

driving by Kraft

I was a good alumnus purchasing university beef via local market last week. I grew up on grass fed registered Herefords, so Pinky totally approves. Alas, the yummy results all went into the freezer as the apocalypse took @bonenado down, not quite back to pulling that out of the freezer yet. I'm apparently fine. The most I got was more spacey with a dizzy rush and stomach twinge once in awhile, but not even a hint of the nasty fever and consequences that pulled Scott into the abyss. I super slammed pearls probiotics and nearly stopped eating for about 3 days, wonder if that actually made the difference.

Between the Bunnython and Papa's Apocalypse, having @bonenado around so much the last couple weeks has been a lot like vacation on holidays, only more exciting in dreadful ways and no presents or goodies. Lots of TV, though. Well, Scott did, I played minecraft. I've kept up with Dr. Ken and The Flash, finally caught up The Walking Dead, but I'm not in a TV mood. He's been eyeball slamming everything backed up on Grimm, Elementary, Sleepy Hollow, NCIS, Lethal Weapon, pulled me in for Blindspot and The Blacklist, and the list goes on but they slip my mind right now.

Moved nearly 4M MB off Jawn, have at least that much more to move onto another stick whenever I get another one. I've made jokes in the past about fans asking me to read fanfics, but I usually don't mention the people who ask me to accept file sharing gifts. I have more storage on Jawn filled with stuff from other people than I do from my own stuff. I appreciate all of it, but my private life gets a little bogged down stopping for that level of share, and it only feeds my data hoarding problem. I'm the proverbial VHS and cassette tape hoarder that has morphed into the digital world, and somehow my only real vice is youtube hoarding, but when it spreads across several prolific fandoms, it kinda eats up the hard drive. I'm on a 16G rig, so I really don't want all that going down over hoarding laziness.

Physical therapy is very different this spring. About 3 years ago we started upper core strength, hit walls galore that flared my fibro pain quite badly, diverted to nerve and deeper tissue work the last couple years, essentially pinpointed root causes and exact movements causing flares, and *now* I'm learning to micro manage. I'm back to upper core strength, but this time it's fine tuning tinier deeper muscles with smaller movements. I lived with a neck injury (ejected from car) for so many years that freeing up the area with tissue shred (ASTYM) allowed muscles I haven't been able to use properly in years to start trying to work again, and I'm having to learn all over how to move without hurting myself while I continue to heal. It's slow going, but the improvements are so worth it. This is my fifth or sixth year in continuous (with breaks) physical therapy (PT actually goes back to 2007, so this is ultimately my tenth year). I've worked very hard to get all this back. Physical therapy is a commitment. You don't just blow it off with "It's not working" and stop. You stick with it and let these people do their jobs helping you get your function and mobility back. Some of them have pretty big degrees in this stuff. I can imagine how frustrated they might feel with noncompliant patients who quit and opt for shortcuts that wind up failing in the long run. A lot of people with pain levels like mine, and especially my age, opt for risky surgeries with 50% success rates on top of complicating conditions like diabetes, which make healing take even longer, and you can't just medicate and make all that pain stop without damaging your organs along the way. It gets pretty real when you hit your 50s that people start going down all around you, and since I've spent my entire adult life in the kind of pain that most 80 year olds don't even get unless they have severe arthritis of some kind, I'm not going down. I've *been* down. Hell if you try to push me back down again.

It's taking all my focus to handle stuff lately, so I'm creating marvelous stuff in Mo Creatures and having fun watching the chat scroll up while I work. Earlier this week one of the players went all psycho and ran around killing other people's pets and mocking in caps, and while it was kind of funny to watch, it dragged on for a bit and players were hurt by it, which really isn't cool. (I thought staff handled it really well, very professional.) You never know when someone has lost a pet or loved one (parent, sib, best friend, baby...) in real life, or a family member is getting through cancer or something, and using a game to get through some hard stuff, so it gets really personal when someone intrudes and invades and decimates your work hours and a fond little bond to an AI block that looks like a cute pet.

This is pretty much how I feel about my Mo Creatures family.

ain't no stoppin

Super power point.

• Money sync done up through May because 1- awareness this year that I suck at springtime time  orientation sync and 2- this terrifies me because it sets me up for money fails (which doesn't make sense because @bonenado is around to fix when I fail). It's very weird that I'm accidentally failing to fail so far, as messed up as my head has felt for months now.
• Calendar sync tentatively done through May, with emphasis on staying home inside my house as much as possible through April while the trees pollen-bomb the world around me.
• Spring cleaning has officially begun with curtains and rugs being stripped all over the house and washed yesterday. This week promises epic deep cleaning satisfaction levels because my stress levels are spiking and stress = very clean house around here.
• My techabilities are major fail, and I'm likely not going to be getting twitter back onto my phone except for planned blitzes. I lightly experimented last night with Walking Dead, and I *think* I can pull off a Flash live tweet (I need one so bad), but the only way I can charge my phone nowadays is on a car charger or through Jawn. The car charges it up really fast, Jawn does it slowly, like an IV going drip, drip, drip, so I'd need to leave Jawn on all night just to charge my phone.
• Jawn is very full. *burp* This laptop is so full of huge files that if it crashes, I lose at least 8X more than I lost when old lappy burned out. I'm this close to locking down into emergency management until I get both my phone and Jawn cleaned off, because we absolutely cannot afford to replace either one of them right now.

Me and my phone irl...

OK

Pulling myself together for March. Extremely surprised I'm still ok on calendar and money sync, and glad because I'm at the top of my spring roller coaster. I launch this week with 4 days out the door for my first big CPAP equipment check, assess back into physical therapy, a chiro visit, and follow up on my med tapering. I just discovered the Mercy 'about' pages. This guy reassembled the Pinky Robot mess into working parts in 2011. I've never looked back. Ok, I look back all the time, but thank goodness it's only looking. I like seeing how many inches I've come, lol. Well, I can measure in yardsticks now, maybe. Some might argue a few miles, actually.

Now that my phone is taking and holding onto charges via laptop and car cables, I'm thinking about reinstalling the pinterest app. We've tried several different ways to move pix off my phone, but it involves the stupidity of opening new accounts with other storage just to transfer to Jawn, so since I already have accounts galore, I'm going with original plan. I'm not going to allow any other apps until that is done and I've wiped pinterest off my phone again because it's such a data hog. I think it thinks I can't live and breathe without it. It occurred to me about a year ago how much pinterest supports digital hoarding, which is psychologically both comforting and a crutch, but how I almost never go back in there to look at what I've already stored. So I started a couple of private boards for family and that's it. I add things to pinterest once in awhile, but the wandering around in there for days is over. That's a land a person can get pretty lost in.

Commitments are tricky online. I've made the commitment to stay public and maintain a fleet of social medias, which is stupidly overwhelming sometimes but I've already got so much set up that I'm going to stubbornly keep going. I've made a commitment to checking Snarkalecs list feeds, so I kind of still feel time synced with a few people that I really like. And I've made a commitment to Mo Creatures, which is turning out to be both very therapeutic art therapy and a fantastic brain synapses builder and exercise program. Aspienado doesn't flit in and out of things very well, so these are hardcore and I don't see that changing. I realized over this last week that my moc family is like my Snarkalecs family, mostly the same people on a nearly daily basis and I'm getting to know them well enough to pick up on some of their personal lives. My Lexx family feels a bit more distant nowadays. I see all the things (eventually), but I don't float in and out of them like I do the others.

I do miss twitter, more than anything else I've wiped off my phone. I'll need it back as soon as I've transferred my pix and vids and wiped those apps back off. I've had people push me into instagram, twitch, and even facebook was ultimately other people pushing in the first place. If I were being really true to myself, I'd be one of those people you never ever see except in very exclusive forums or deep in a game. To be public feels sort of like how orange wedges look after you've torn an orange open and bent it around to make it easier to eat with all the pulp sticking up.

Yowza, just ran into a pdf called The Complete Recreational Drugs Handbook. My search literally was "how orange wedges look after you've torn an orange open and bent it around to make it easier to eat with all the pulp sticking up". I tried the flipping inside out thing, got a bunch of eyelids...

I'm in one of my weird melon collie moods. I'm about to counter that with an extremely obnoxious high energy pinky vid and I'm going to GET TO WORK!

thinking about tools

Pic clicks to Mo Creatures multiplayer minecraft server
I didn't make that, but it's super cool so I checked it out.

One of those tech fail weeks where I'm logging off all my accounts from my phone and mass deleting apps, down to stripped out basic phone now and will probably be like that for awhile. I'll get to medias when I get to them on Jawn. I'm not really disappearing on purpose, but I was already pulled back quite a bit, so most of you probably won't even notice.

O_O

Today's goals on MoC are getting my bank balance up to $50 and my experience points back up to 30 so I can fix tools and enchant some cool new nether armor I picked up at the market yesterday, and I'm out there mundanely chopping pumpkins while cobblestone smelts and it hit me that the whole reason the Architect kept recreating Neo was because he was trying to create free will. The Architect didn't know how to program free will into Neo to save them all from a rogue AI eating up and corrupting the other programs. The Architect could program love and loyalty to Trinity in order to get Neo to cooperate, but he couldn't program that selfless willingness for sacrifice for the greater good without Trinity getting in the way over and over, because Trinity always dies. The rogue AI sees to that.

o_O Did I just find the legendary Black Market???

They need a reboot, bad. Neo is the only one who can carry the new update into the reboot. They've replayed this simulation hundreds of times. This time is different.

I go for shows like that, don't I? Lexx was the same way. The Cycles of Time repeated forever until the Lexx finally bumped it off the loop (as I argue in The Dark Zone and the Cycles of Time).

I'm currently at 21 experience points and $43.10. In an hour I'm going to get a shower and then head out the door for the day.

I agree with this vid about The One and had already come to this conclusion quite awhile back, but this is the first time I've run into anyone else saying it. I still don't think anyone was ever really out of the Matrix, and I question any of their experiences being corporeally 'real' at all, so later in the vid, using Neo's actual birth (which we still can't prove) to disprove a theory is moot. The Ages number from one integral anomaly to another, which means there were 6 different anomalies, but the actual age of the Matrix is way way old, and we still don't know who actually built the thing. If we wanna really bake our noodles, just add The Neverending Story kind of viewpoint to all this and start wondering who the Observer is... lol. If what the Oracle is saying here is true, then Smith is the one who freed HER. Maybe...

Neo is a tool, but we realize he is a very important tool, like a piece of super enchanted armor that has been repaired several times on an anvil (to borrow from minecraft), so the experience points that went into his creation make him the most powerful tool ever constructed. He is the ONLY tool that can be wielded against The One. The purpose of this tool is to create a new age with a new integral anomaly.

About 7:30 into the vid, I'm like YES, finally, my thoughts exactly, if Neo is a HACKER, why in the world is he not thinking like a HACKER? omg. That has driven me crazy forever.

So the Architect created Neo, but the Oracle gave birth to The One... lol. It's refreshing to finally run into someone who is able to express how I feel about that movie, too, because I could never round up that amount of logic into something that easily expressed by that reviewer. And as it turned out, the Oracle tricked the Architect into creating Neo to use as a tool, while even the Architect thought Neo was The One.

What a brilliant story about the experiences and sufferings of the most important tool ever created. The best stories are usually about the people caught up in the crush of things.

Btw, A. Smith- a smith smiths things. Get it? He de- and reconstructed the Matrix.

So the real question still left unanswered is Who built the Matrix? Because I don't believe that creation story. The cost/benefit doesn't add up the way it's told. Another question kinda popping up is which came first, the Oracle's decision to give birth to Smith or the man who first freed some of them? Because if Smith is the one who freed them, it was the Oracle's idea for this to even happen. She must have been powerless on her own, so she spun a web of lies around giving birth to a new idea and snuck it past the Architect. Good job, Mom.

So, who built the Matrix and who originally wrote the Oracle's programming??? Pretty sure it wasn't a machine needing bioelectric juice and warmth from encapsulated humans. Film Theory: The Matrix has NO ESCAPE

Aaaand my time is up, gotta get into the shower and GO.

Day 29- last of 2016 30 day challenge

A better title might be- App Management: Time loss has never been more efficient

Part of my 30 day challenge is Indian wrestling my tech for dominance. Pinterest is my bestest friend right now while I move over 1K pix to mostly private family boards. I've heard so many horror stories about losing ALL THE PICTURES bcuz phone death, and since I kinda went there last year 🙄I dare not make such a fumble again.

This whole digital thing was supposed to make us a paperless, and therefore a trashless, society. Well, I have more trash than ever I'm digging out from under, not the least being virtual. There are pros and cons to what kind of trash preferences we might have.

Bills- I'm finally harnessing digital EVERYTHING.

Emails- It takes time to 'opt out' of every single little bitty thing, but I'M DOING IT. The digital spam has been ridiculous.

Notifications- Getting a facebook notification in triplicate across all devices and browsers really has to stop. Facebook dares to try owning me, and hell if Cortana will let that happen. I am soooo all over stomping Facebook flat till it *shuts* *up*. I've almost memorized all the settings in all the out of the way weird places I can possibly find them.

I'm not even touching Instagram, omg that is a wide road to time wasting hell.

Actual trash- @bonenado is a compulsive recycler. I must save this marriage.

Recycle bin- Where do I even begin? There are so many copies of every little thing I interface online or do on my tech surviving in temp files, caches, multiple folders... But begin I have begun, and I will reclaim my Jawn and woo him back to my loving touch.

I showed @bonenado how to clear temp files on his phone... He still had app pages open from last year. That's a real thing, guys. Fantasy football loads way faster when you clear out caches.

Anyway, part of my 30 day challenge is sludging my way back out of the Swamp of Sadness, the Pit of Despair, the Bog of Eternal Stench. (Did I miss anything?) The Fire Swamp is cool, it can stay. The Oubliette can stay, too. #aspienado needs an oubliette to stay sane.

Me irl fixing #allthethings.

playing ball in the house, like you do

We were pretty busy yesterday.



Pretty sure this was a regrettable maneuver. Papa wound up having to lift her over and over after that.

I'm one of those chillaxed meemaws who remembers being a kid.



I remember wanting to experiment with different kinds of utensils and people sternly telling me "do it right" or it would be taken away. Scientists and artists and philosophers don't do things 'right', they create new and exciting ways to see the world.



This one is a bit longer, but it turned into 'get meemaw' and all heck broke loose. Maybe that'll translate to regionals in volleyball and baseketball down the road, like her mama.



Today is more physical therapy and a couple of errands. I have 2 days left to finish my library book. It's a one-time loan via mobius, I can't recheck it. It'll be a challenge because heavy book is a lot of arm work, hard on my neck holding still to read even if I rest the book on a table, and still kind of hard on my eyes because nerve overload and headaches, BUT it's the coolest book and would make an awesome movie and I really wanna finish it. So I might not be tweeting much for a couple of days.

And @bonenado was awesome and totes replaced my $80 phone case yesterday evening because it's been taped together for months, and no matter how crazily and violently I drop, toss, and ricochet my phone, my phone still actually works just fine, so this is the best case ever and I'm actually saving the original for backup in case I destroy this one even worse. It's leather with all those tiny rock crystals glued on, so it takes loads of impact. It's called Brilliance and you can get it in several colors for several kinds of phones. If I had the right phone I'd have gotten rose gold. I got the last one for S6 in the whole store because it's discontinued.

  

I'm already time skipping, have been thinking for several days that we're in December now. I don't bring it up much but there's this thing-
Is Fibromyalgia Aging You?
This is still so new that the studies aren't really completed enough yet to give definitive answers one way or another, even though you can run into a list of headlines screaming about fibro and gray matter loss. I've always known I'm losing cognitive function, I've been in and out of glitch and super glitch, memory impairments galore. I can feel my nervous system going down in super slo-mo.

It hasn't killed me yet. I can still laugh in the moment with my family. Pinky blog will help me stay focused, and I will continue to do my things.

As a generalized observation on personal blogging, I think self discovery through things like autism and ADD and other diagnoses, chronic illness survivalism, embracing depression and other mental illnesses- seeing ourselves through what we share with the world is the new human expression. Adding ourselves to the growing library of the internet is how we find ourselves in the global human race. Looking at ourselves and watching others look at us giving us ways to see ourselves through different eyes is our new method of healing. Learning to see each other, feel each other is the new age.

"I was here."

"I see that you are/were here, and I like what you did there."

Us.

It's been awhile since I had some Benny C on here.

no new tags

HY-VEE HAD CHEESE. Behold my pre-holiday haul.

I can relax now...

I know, I look like a crazy survivalist to people who don't have a clue what it's like for the nearest actual civilization to be more than ten miles away (30 miles in the other direction). Having a little gas station, an outlying bank, a teeny weeny post office, and a school a bit closer doesn't count. If you think in spaceship show terms, my area is like a tiny outpost in the neutral zone in the vast expanse of space between humans and Klingons. It really is a big deal when I have to drive 30 miles one way to get more than Kraft cheddar blocks. Don't even talk to me about Cracker Barrel. I'll contend with Lisa Marie Bowman that at least one good thing comes out of Vermont, and that's Cabot's seriously sharp cheddar, plus I picked up the Australian cheddar again, which is has a lovely bite. I've got both Reypenaer and Rembrandt aged goudas to compare. Next time I get over that far I'll probably try an aged Manchego (Spain). There was one beautifully oranged laced marble looking cheese called Dragon's Breath that wasn't a bleu, but I didn't look where that one came from and I seriously doubt I'd ever eat, but it was so cool that I had to pick it up and look at it.

I made my first pre-New Year's resolution the other day to buy no more ice cream the rest of the year. I just made my second pre-New Year's resolution-

NO NEW TAGS

Every little bit when my brain is useless and I still feel like being busy, I work on thinning out my tag cloud. I've slowly been eliminating most of the tags I've used only once. No sense using a tag at all if you don't go anywhere else when you click it, right? I mean, I could use it to find stuff in Pinky blog faster, but half the time I used tags willy nilly without that sense of my own library purpose, so that's actually useless even in an alphabetized drop down list of tags. Another example of tightening up my tag cloud is looking for similar tag groups, like autumn, autumn leaves, and autumn peak and fixing them to just all be tagged autumn.

I have a million tags...

So, double on therapies yesterday. Physical therapy was back to a fairly grueling ASTYM, and the rest of the year I'll be alternating every week between that and the spine guy who'll keep working on parasympathetic response, and then my psychologist visit is venturing into a new direction that, even though I've started dealing with on Pinky blog, I'm not ready to talk about yet. It's a little disturbing finding out people you come from could have been targeted for experimentation. Those of you compelled to dig for truthing in politics might be interested in this article. From there, I really think we need to learn as a society the importance of not purposely triggering each other. People who are easily triggered into depression and meltdowns just over mentioning candidacy are, in my opinion, high risk, and suicide can be part of the conditioning.

My first step into all this many years ago was a sudden interest during my sociology degree in college in Durkheim's social theory on suicide.
The Study of Suicide by Emile Durkheim
If he is correct, then suicide is a social 'disease'. Humans are very group oriented with an innate very early propensity to peer pressure, and this can affect us all our lives. To venture into the sordid underground of groupthink and doublethink conditioning as a root cause of social suicide disease is a big thing. If I were a professor steeped in a thesis project, that would be the bomb. And honestly and very personally, I believe this process is already so much a part of us that we don't even blink any more, and it would mean almost nothing in real terms to simply point it out, even with hard evidence. Everything nowadays is simply drowned out in volumes of reshare and opinionating everything under the sun. The hashtag "is not my" whatever (Cubs, Trump, whatevs) is proof how easily distracted and refocused we are. Just turn anything you want into a suggestible spew game, all the rest is drowned out.

In way more benign but super interesting thoughts, I also ran into the most outstanding article I've read to date about fibromyalgia last night.
The History of Fibromyalgia may be longer than you thought
Mine is super severe, and I'm pretty much on leading edge with treatment and functional survival without a lot of big pharma, and given how common and genetic they're finding out this actually is, I really hope the documentation going into the notes on everything we're doing in physical therapy helps other people. Extensive notes have been made on local muscle/fascia/nerve problems and responses to treatment, and it's clearly a whole body response malfunction. I can't stress enough how big a deal it is to come back from near immobility and crashing immune system fail from severe fibro being impacted by untreated diabetes and autoimmune flares during several big viral infections that even moderately impacted my brain. Hurting is not a joke, and people who say they're hurting aren't hypochondriacs. No one wants to hurt. It's taken me decades to reach this point of being taken this seriously, but I had to get serious enough myself to pursue it. I also had to take the chicken-egg debate on full force and fight my way through the idea that depression caused my pain. Like I said- no one wants to hurt. My depression cycles follow a pain pattern that follows a weather pattern, etc, and I had to blog for years to see that pattern expressed. If you are a chronic spoonie and not journaling, START. *NOW*. You might just save your own life. Journaling would also be a useful tool for caretakers. Not everyone can do their own blogging.

Meanwhile, Bing keeps noticing my java probs on Chrome and keeps offering to be my bestie, since it hogs all the java for itself. I almost fell for it until it offered to download Chrome into its own holding cell, and I was all backing off going OK, thanks, it's been great, but... *turn and run*.

Also, side note, this is my third Thursday this week. For some reason I wake up thinking every day is Thursday now. It's taking all my will to bend my mind back to what day it actually is. Today I'm going with the mantra "Tomorrow is Thursday", because I cannot bring my brain around to "Today is Wednesday". It's been weird.

Minecraft 1.11 is out. I've already been bitten by one of the new werewolves. It makes you super hungry and  you hafta fight and eat at the same time before you die from hunger. I haven't seen a llama yet. I've also learned to enchant, but I'm saving that for my Bluejacky blog. That blog never used to be bothered, but it's getting about one spam hack attempt a day now, so between that and Pinky blog, I'm wondering if blogger in general is having a hard time with germs. The activity isn't off the charts or anything, but someone has found a way through trash protocols. Surveypalooza doesn't seem to be affected at all. Yep, it's still France making its way through accessible associated accounts. Not sure if this is related, but I had to change my Minecraft password twice within 6 days. Minecraft necessarily uses java, and java is probably the problem because the paper.li embed code I took off Pinky blog used java.

This post got a big more intense than intended. Let's get silly with an oldie but goodie. Cheers to those of you already experiencing real Thursday.

me and Cortana over a cup of Java

I made this meme and pinned it here
original photo goes to Ranking All the Movies In the Terminator Franchise

I used to call this stuff tech meth. Sometimes I get sucked in and don't climb back out for hours. I documented this morning's trail so I can come back later and jump back down the hole if I want to. If you're not into techanese, scroll down to the big  pink pumpkin.

So Cortana (like the chat Siri for Windows 10) let me know Kaspersky was still pouting about Java plug ins, so I thought Ok, it's 4:30 a.m., I have some coffee in me, let's do this. Because I've been ignoring it since January when I first got Jawn going, and then complaining when I can't see my own plugins on my blogs.

First I had Kaspersky show me exactly what it was pouting about, and of course, who wants something like not-a-virus:HEUR:AdWare.Win32.InstallMonster.gen in their computer, right? I mean, that sounds awfully weird and vague in an "ignore me because I'm sneaking in" kind of way. I did a search and ran into this Kaspersky Lab Forum, which wasn't very helpful but showed me that it's a common question.

* The quote not a virus comes from Kaspersky. It means that ist is not a dangerous virus. It could be a unknown program.
* It could contain malware. But it doesn't have to be. 

Not exactly helpful. I refined my search a little ("Kaspersky won't let me update Java in Windows 10") and came across the same question in a forum at superuser.com, and the suggestion there was to load the file to virustotal.com to find out for sure exactly what the file even is. Once the file was uploaded and scanned, I could see 'analysis', 'file detail', and 'additional information'. Most of  you will think that is gobbledygook, but in the 'file detail' part I can see a pretty green checkmark by Signature Verification, so it's a legitimate file that's been legally documented the way legit business is supposed to do (pretty sure that's what a verification check mark is supposed to mean). Also, I can see things like Product, File Version, and Description. I thought Ok, let's plug 'inno setup' into a search bar, and clicking on a couple things very quickly let me see that Microsoft has contracted with Inno Setup.

I've been wondering why Jawn wasn't allowing Java to update, now I know. Had to add those .exe files to exclusions, which is really easy now, just a couple of clicks in the Kaspersky pout window and now Cortana will leave me alone. But wait a second... I still had doubts. Melepot? Did they buy Inno Setup out or something?

EMSIsoft thinks the plugins are malware across the board, but I think they're just freaking people out to sell their own product. Everything else I can find out about Melepot is in other languages, like Romanian.

How to Fix 'Java Plugins' Errors Since this looks like a Norton foot in the door, I'm not going to further aggravate Kaspersky by running it.

Java applets stop working after Kaspersky Endpoint Security 10 for Windows installation That is a 3 year old workaround, and has probably already been addressed in all the new update stuff. My search was for Windows 10 stuff, this is a different '10' thing. Everything I find about Kaspersky and Java seems to end around 2013.

FAQ: Upgrade to Windows 10 Anniversary Update (Redstone 1) Kaspersky explains in techanese that it doesn't even like Windows 10.

Back to virustotal.com. It's sitting there with it's little arms folded insisting that "The file being studied is a Portable Executable file! More specifically, it is a Win32 EXE file for the Windows GUI subsystem."

Well, maybe Cortana will let me know again sometime that Kaspersky is pouting or something. In the meantime, an hour has gone by and my eyes are already twirly before the sun has even come up. I just removed all the problems from exclusions and walked off from Kaspersky for a bit.

I know a lot of people turn off Java in their systems so trackers can't exchange info, I see this all the time in site tracker FAQ stuff, from simple user trackers to google analytics. Not having working Java isn't the worst thing in the world, but I'm on a gaming laptop, so I'm not sure if not allowing Java is holding other stuff back. Jawn can't seem to update my drivers, either, so...

click for cool pinterest board

Yes, too early to actually care. I got a new popcorn popper! Click the pic to go where I got mine. There are other styles to choose from, too.

Today I'm going to make popcorn balls, yay! I won't go too crazy like what I see on pinterest, but I might roll them in Halloween sprinkles for fun. I don't eat them myself, but Papa and Bunny will have fun eating them this weekend, and I can send a few home with her.

I don't see this addressed much anywhere, but one of the hardest things on a manic euphoric depression cycle is sedation. I can't even begin to describe how far that anesthesia threw me off and how difficult this week has been just getting back my normal brain rhythm. My memory glitching came back full force for a few days, my aspienado shutdowns have been accentuated, and I'm barely covering for somewhat my kind of normal. I'm ok, just thrown off my regular coping strategies, but I can definitely vouch for coming back from that amount of sedation being a real blow to people who trigger easily for suicidal thoughts, and I've been craving vicodin again like the old days. That's pretty much how I know it's a brain chemical thing and not 'just' feeling gloomy. And the really big red flag was not being able to get myself distracted into minecraft. Best plan was just spread out on the medias like a big float device and keep watching TV, which seems to be working out pretty well. I got a little mean on a couple of people, but I think overall I'm coming through this one in fairly good shape. It would've been very easy to snivel all over one or two people and pull them into my dark hole, but I'm really glad I didn't. I felt especially destructive this week behind all the fun.

in which Jawn is held hostage between 2 beautiful browsers

I had to log off and shut Jawn down in the middle of writing this post. When I turned back on, I couldn't pull anything Google related up, not Chrome or Torch, not my G+ page or Youtube, nothing. I'm currently working through the Windows 10 Edge browser, which is fine, but since Microsoft and Google are playing Game of Webs, neither is mutually supportive of the other. I'm finding forums on this problem going back well over a year. At any rate, I couldn't even pull blogger up until I signed into Google through Edge, which technically means I'm signed in on 4 'devices' now- Chrome, Torch, my phone, and Edge. Just signing in again on my own laptop meant security checks galore, a frenzy of email alerts, and having to 2-step verify, so I feel like the time when James Cole accidentally changed the future and wound up having to get back into the lab through Deacon and Cassie-gone-WestVII, like geeeeeez louise, it's me. Same laptop, same house, same little dot on the map, and all guns pointed right at me. As Deacon would say- Respect.

I clearly exhibited today why I'll never to be able to achieve morphine addict status. Hats off to all you guys who think it's the bomb, but all it took was what the ER doctor called a 'baby dose' to set off wave after wave of acute deep musculoskeletal pain and the shakes. Basically, I'm so adapted to screaming high pain levels that it took nearly 20 minutes to even feel relief, and not because it was a 'baby dose', which was probably 5 mg, and I say that because the nurse said it was half a dose when she brought it in. (Morphine Injection)

I so very rarely go in for pain any more. I'm so tired of all the hoops that have to be jumped before I ever get any relief that it's usually just not worth it, but today was one of those days.

Ok, now I had to all-stop because Edge decided that NOW is the time to walk me through an intro like I've never used a browser before. It is now stuck in a loop trying to import my favorites from a broken Chrome. Serves it right.

Ok, where was I? Papa and Bunny are up at the pool, I'm in a nice quiet house with the last of the morphine sliding its way out of my system, and putting the day back together. -Oh, yeah.-

I've been through this before, but apparently my pain management needs adjusting. Just sitting here at the table, streak of lightning bolted through my chest that set off the adrenaline response from heck (not to be mistaken for hell, I've had much worse), that kicked off a sweet SVT that wouldn't slow down at all, so 10 minutes of that and I decided being 16 years past the radio ablation might not mean much any more and better safe than sorry. EMT could feel the pain waves in my pulse changes, no one could get a needle in until I arrived (5 blown veins, and pretty sure my bad after not hydrating well this week after all that deep muscle work in therapy- I know better), and all else being magnificent because I've been working so hard to get all ripped like Madonna, I only had to hang around for 4 hours before I got a small dose of morphine and then cried like a baby.

They used to give me 10 mg and then I'd get all hysterical and bossy when it was wearing off. The best is when I get cocktails, but I'm so loopy after that I'm just not safe even when I love everybody, because you never know when I'll walk right off a curb into oncoming traffic like an idiot. It's just easier on everyone if I tough it out most of the time, and I've gotten so used to stuffing it down that I fall apart when drugs pull the walls down and I have no resistance.

So when I say it was a long, rough week, what I really mean is I'm exploding inside with so much pain that all it takes to break me is 5 mg of morphine. After the first 20 minutes of super ultra hypersensitivity and awareness of every cell in my entire body, I'm finally spazzing on a beach on the other side of the galaxy and it's all cool.

omg, just getting this pic locked up #allthethings again
had to reboot
NOW I HAVE CHROME BACK
I owe it all to this man
ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX 2016

If everyone went through what I go through with injected pain meds, no one would ever use. It absolutely sucks being able to feel every millimeter of my entire skeleton, all the fibers attached to it all over, and all the veins and nerves and muscle fibers around them. SUCKS. Yes, you heard me right. I CAN FEEL MY SKELETON.

I can describe in detail everything attached to my skull, my sternum and ribs, every backbone, all the bony protrusions, and I especially love my shoulder blades, clavicle, and jaw. omg it sucks being able to feel all that so intimately. I don't even feel my skin when I'm in that mode. I don't feel my other senses, nothing else gets through, all I can feel are all those nerves screaming out the map of my body.

You'd think I'd want to be doped up all the time. You have no idea how terrifying it is to live with solid pain and suddenly it turns off. Completely. Like the year I suddenly couldn't feel my lips, tongue, throat, sinus, cheekbones... It wasn't just numb, it was *gone*. The nerves blanked out. I could still move just fine, and talk, but that one got me an MRI making sure I didn't have blood vessel inflammation in my brain during an autoimmune flare up, because yes, I was in autoimmune flare up.

Ok, way too yappy. I need to stop. Today was just about poor pain management and dehydration. I've exhausted lists of pills, I have to plan for 20 more years of liver maintenance, I can't just go back on a bunch of junk and expect to reach anywhere near 65 with grace and aplomb if it's not about making my health top priority. Pills burn you up. I'm living with a liver condition because a decade of meds will do that to you. I'm saving pills and cortisone shots for when I'm older, and I've gotta arrive there in as good a shape as possible if I want to make it longer on medical crutches. My people don't live to ripe old ages like @bonenado's people.

Wait, pain management. I was going to write this down so I'll remember it. When I follow up with my doctor I'm going to ask what he thinks about opiate bursts. Kinda like pred bursts, you don't stay on it, just do short term to get something under control. This week needed heftier pain management, and if I'd had a fall back (boldly says the noncompliant patient), I might not have wound up spiking into the ER right in the middle of a blood pressure med withdrawal. I'm wondering if a low dose ibuprofen/codeine burst for a couple of days might have changed this entire weekend. Maybe I could ask him if he'd let me have enough for, say, one week out of every month. Not a month's supply, not every day, because it's too easy to get addicted again, but a controlled count for one hard week a month. I already knew this week was pretty rough, and I've lived with this long enough to hoard back for days like that.

You know how many doctors over how many years tossed prescriptions out into the hallways hoping I'd chase them out the door? Not this doctor. And now I've got this whole team counting my pills, so I feel like I'm in a safer place now to actually ask for opiates. We'll see what the summer brings. I really don't want to go onto a daily regimen of something that he'll be pulling me back off of in 2 weeks and I'm back at square one. I've been a guinea pig way too many times.

This is what pain management problems look like for what a rheumatologist has labeled 'severe' in a med addict cleaned off meds. I just got my once a year baby morphine shot. Because I'm gonna be MADONNA.


Much of this post was finished up around watermelon, butter and jelly sandwiches, playing 'cherries' (HiHo CherryO), yogurt, playing ball with 3 different balls, and other massive stickiness, because coming home all sparkly clean from a long swim is just too good to be true.

bionic Pinky

click for awesome meme trail

Woke up from a dream where I was cranky with a lab tech about some kind of medical testing, but even I could tell my head was a mess (she definitely thought so and was getting very impatient with me) and that I wasn't making sense between partial sedation and trying to logically figure out the odd maze of wassappenin in my head because none of the things I was 'remembering' were correct, so I was busy lining up actual buildings and streets and which doctor might have sent me there with the fake stuff in my dream. I've done this several times lately, like I go into this weird aggressive anti-dream state where I refuse to play along with my own free associating.

Waking up didn't help and I bumped around the house in slo-mo for about 30 minutes before I could get a line of thought straight. I am reeeeeaallyy missing the days where I used to boing out of bed like a Tigger and my brain was super on and 4 a.m. was gogogo time. I hope this isn't becoming my new normal, because the last few weeks have been a bit of a drag getting going in the mornings.

The weird thing is I'm suddenly orienting really well in minecraft, relying less on the grid readout and recognizing landmarks and directions more often. This in turn translates to real time mental mapping skills while I'm driving. For several years I've been dealing with sudden 'drops' in continuity, not remembering which Walmart I was in, even which town (lotta outlying around our metro in this area), sometimes what street I'm driving on, like my internal recognition software blinks out or something. I don't know if you guys ever have problems with an NVidia card suddenly blanking on your monitor and then recovering, it's almost like that in my head, just suddenly 'lose' orientation to time and space around me. Since it's been going on for so many years and no one's ever found anything obviously wrong with my head, no one seems to be worried about it, so I really don't worry either. BUT. Alla sudden, after months of running around and tunneling and flying on my horse, I clicked into spacetime orientation and haven't been needing to check the grid readout so often, and dang if that isn't coinciding with not being so glitchy through my days in general.

Guys, I think I'm rebuilding my brain. And it really could be the beta blocker, like my doctor thought. The experiment continues.

New tech, yay! Funny story. Scott couldn't get internet on his desktop, so I configured the new Netgear X8 on Jawn, and everything was fine until Mr. Bossy was determined to pull the firmware onto his own desktop after he found out from tech support that his wifi card is outdated and killed the internet. SO, he had to hard wire directly into it, and THEN all the internet was back. So we have to hardwire an outdated computer into this awesome new super expensive tech to get wireless tech in our house...

Yeah, let that sink in. I live with Fred Flintstone. We lock horns over control issues. He'll never let me forget the time I crashed a hard drive trying to rip off a song from a wormy scifi site that I could have gotten for 99 cents on itunes, and I'll never let him forget the time he wrecked up all our software with a malware download just because it had a desktop icon that looked like a private detective with a cool hat. Either way, you fly with us, prepare for hard landings, cuz that's how we roll.

I either need to go back to bed or find food, because this coffee isn't doing a thing. Not sure yet if I can handle twitter today, and my psychologist says steering clear of triggers is fine. Baby steps is better than falling off cliffs since I'm on my own. I feel bad, but I just can't go there today.