-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero, this blog is PinkyGuerrero, ongoing continuation at blogs Pinky & Janika & Basically Clueless & PinkFeldspar, in that order.
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
 photo README2.gif


Sunday, October 29, 2017

brilliantly dodging Pinkyween fail

Here's proof that I still attempt a social life once in awhile outside of a minecraft server, lol. I'm going to link all these back to SyfyDesigns on general principal, but it was organized by @LisaMarieBowman from @LNMGang doing #LateNightMovie. You really have to be there, and I wish I were much more often. I miss this. If you want to check this movie out on youtube, you can link over from this tweet, and you should follow all of us on twitter while you're at it. 👍

I didn't get to watch anything like this growing up, and when I finally discovered it, I mashed it into my brain like candy. There's nothing funner than snarking old movies with friends.

Capillary disintegration is my mantra now.

At the beginning of the movie, the doctor told a patient he'd schedule an EKG the following day because she had hysterics, and of course she died, so I take it everyone with heart problems back in the day died waiting for EKGs and the cause of death would be hysterics. I can't let these things go.

It felt like watching a docudrama, really. I'm not quite sure how science was actually involved, but this is the gold standard.

Don't worry, Carol lives. I think we lost a few viewers between tech issues and noddings off.

I won't spoil the ending for you.

Trying to stay caught up on a couple TV shows and I have concerns-
  • Two seasons ago Rick would have picked that random baby up and plowed zombies and eaten bullets, this season is like he's in meth withdrawal.
  • Penguin is being a sucker and he's way too selfish for that and I'm cranky.
  • Tosh, I swear I had no idea 19 shows piled up, you know I love you, right.
  • I hope Luna Girl wins.
  • What the crap ARE Shopkins, anyway? They seem to be taking over my house.
That's my current life in a nutshell. Well, besides jumping on the opportunity to deep clean while the kiddos ran off to see relatives and have lots of fun and shopping and stuff.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

I wanna wallpaper my brain after we get brain chips

Fighting with Jawn trying to get loaded into a resource desert and Jawn insisting the launcher is the jerk, not him, and me stomping off in a huff and then remembering Halloween is in a few days and promptly getting lost in a search and running right into this. Click for pink gothic awesome.

And then @bonenado stumbled out of bed asking if I tweeted that because he forgot to put the pizza up last night, kinda bending my brain around sideways going wut because #notaclue (I put the leftover pizza into the fridge last night, no big deal), and then I was like OH, that was 5 hours in the ER waiting room by myself the other day, lol. Turns out a particular pain I've been blowing off all month might be an ulcer and they actually nearly admitted me. The GI cocktail changed my life, I've seen the error of my ways, and suddenly we're all understanding the whole Jekyll and Hyde thing and started meetings about restructuring around my spoonie fatigue wall and getting me off the captain's deck before the Titanic asplodes a gasket into outer space and we all go spinning off into Whatthehelljusthappened Land.

click for funny sox
I still don't know for sure until I get a referral to a gastro guy, but if it's real, I've never had an ulcer before and this is new territory. My history clearly nailed the only anti inflammatory med I've taken for the last 3 years because it's a bitch and I was supposed to stop taking it last summer and kept sneaking a couple by every week even though I felt gross when I took them, and then this big pain exploded in my stomach a month ago during an allergy flare up and pred burst, and then antibiotic shortly after that, and that was the last time I had that pain pill because it was a bit scary. I'm so preoccupied with other pain areas and keeping up on the gerbil wheel around here that it was easy to just stop eating and ignore my guts. Guess that was a bad idea.

I was up 24 straight hours yesterday. I'm going back to bed.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

when mental illness complicates autism

Out of currently 1087 published posts, I have 150 with the word 'alone' in them. I tried to search for 'alone in the house', 'alone all day', and other alone phrases, but that's a lot of grind work for a blog this big. In case you want to search for anything in this blog, there is a "Search This Blog" bar in the right side column just beneath the featured post.

I used to love being alone. Many days I have craved alone time when I'm with other people. I didn't tell anyone for a long time, though, that sometimes I have days where I'm afraid to be alone. With myself. With Myself.

When I was still a young kid, I felt Me. It felt weird to feel Me. Sometimes on those days I would be very aware that I was a walking skeleton, or would sometimes feel like a doll I was moving around. I know nowadays that is called dissociation. To some degree it's very normal to click into an objective perspective and 'see' things from a different point of view. To do it constantly and feel stuck that way, like you can't get back 'in', isn't normal. I did that a lot as a kid.

When I dissociate on a bad day because extreme fatigue or pain spike or sometimes other things causing brain chemical changes (I'm hyper reactive to meds, for example), I lose being able to control how I present. I do and say things that seem confusing. For about an hour yesterday I felt like a box full of fireworks that started going off all at once, and I was experiencing all the emotions almost simultaneously or back to back without any coherent thread of why. There was no logical cause. I couldn't tell what was happening until I started writing, and pretty quickly, I think in about 10-15 minutes, I realized I had spiked into the nether regions of depression. My psychiatrist would like a harder diagnosis that I suspect would result in manic depression and possibly more, but since my psychologist monitors me and I don't seem to consistently go into the more hardcore 'manic' list of symptoms, the debate is left hanging without further testing. Yesterday, though, I definitely dissociated and once I realized it was happening, I was able to pull myself into focusing moment to moment. I did ok, made it through the rest of the day without incident, handled everything ok, made it to bedtime without any problems, at least on the outside.

I've mentioned my mom forcing me to learn to self monitor as a child through sometimes severe corporal punishment, which is now proven to be psychologically scarring and emotionally stunting. Because of that experience, though, I am much more objectively aware of myself than some people. (Not to be confused with the self UNaware state of autism spectrum, which is a social deficit/interaction problem.) I've met people who don't have a clue how to even see another point of view objectively at all, but mostly the people who can seem to be afraid of it. I ventured into objectivity at a young age and played with taboo in my head for many years, mostly as thought experiments that included every conceivable debate about God(s), right vs wrong, reality and realism, and much more. I can emotionally derail and catch myself fairly quickly with diversion, basically cutting the emotion part off. The part in between the derailing and the catching is spooky. People say I'm scary, and it's not because I'm violent so much as unpredictable, I think. I'd say the same thing about my dad because I got to see more of him growing up than my sibs, and I know his cognitive rigidity is his way of not derailing.

Personally, I know I can rely on myself to never cross certain lines, but dissociating is one of those things where you can't always see where the lines are. It's important to reach out and start dealing with real as soon as it starts happening. It's important to be honest and let people know I'm dealing. Trying to hide it never turns out well in the long run. For some people, it's a very short run because they commit suicide or start killing people, and I can tell you from the inside of that state of mind that there is no logic, no red flags, nothing stopping a dissociated person from living out a nightmare and never realizing what they're doing.

People don't like talking about this stuff. It's pretty common, because it's a reflexive survival tool the brain uses to get through something difficult, and some of us do it all the time without even realizing it. Some people cover it up with med, drug, or alcohol use, some people simply have a line of 'reasons' ready, some people just pretend it never happens, like don't talk about it and don't rock boats kind of thing, and then bringing it up is super awkward and makes things worse.

I am #aspienado and I don't want things to get worse. I am using #transparency and #honesty to talk about my stuff, and I keep using public social medias and a game server to keep my balance because it's hard for me to talk on phones and I don't have real life friends or family close by while @bonenado is at work.

I talk about being broken, and I say that we're all broken to some extent in some way or another, and I think 'kindness is logical' is a good belief to hang onto when all else fails me. I can stop immediately and ask myself- What am I doing right now? What do I want? How do I get what I want? Is what I'm doing to get what I want breaking anybody?

Breaking each other is a way of life in many religious and political systems. It's very effective. The better option, though, in my opinion, is kindess. It lasts longer. No matter how I am feeling in any moment, even when everything is black and stupid, I believe Kindness Is Logical.

Aaaaand someone beat me to that hashtag by just under 2 months, lol. That person is promoting 'love is hate' and sexism. Let's see if I can change that. I'm really tired of doublespeak.


Tuesday, October 24, 2017

being inside on the outside

I love silhouette pix. Later this autumn after the sun goes down and the sky is deep orange and all the bare stuff sticks up black against it will be so cool.

This is my internet support. Crazy, huh? Hopefully that will be changing over the winter.

The internet lets me find my old pix. I think I left part of my head here one year. That light on the water is like my brain sparkling. It sparkled a lot today.

Sometimes I miss the old days. I forgot it was even like this.

I still have this rock egg somewhere. The chickens loved it. They would lay only in the nest with the rock egg. I washed it with hot soapy water when I finally got it back.

But this is today. Today is pretty cool, too. As long as I keep me on the inside, everything stays good. When the inside gets outside, I have a bad day.

Today was weird and hard, but at least it was beautiful. I chopped the sparkly parts off and told them to walk home.

the happy part is dubious

This always says it perfectly.

Monday, October 23, 2017

gathering moss

I've been making time to sit around with my feet up a lot more last 3 days, so it was apropos running into moss covered cobble for my player shop- all the metaphorical moss in my stagnant life, lol. This next is pretty much how my connection looks all the time. I hit one bar and start blinking off the server like a transporter glitch. I finally shared today that my wifi provider is negotiating with my electric company to upgrade equipment support for fiber upgrade, and after that happens (crossing my fingers it won't take all winter) I'll likely apply for mini-mod. I've got 1500 hours on server, makes sense I'd use being around so much to be more helpful. Kind of impossible, though, if I'm suddenly disappearing in mid sentence all the time.

My birthday is tomorrow. I will be a tetrahedral number, a sum of 6 consecutive primes, and more. Have a ball with that. I've been told many times I don't look my age. I never have. They say you're as young as you feel. Since I've felt like I have full body arthritis since I was a kid, and since so many have told me I'm an old soul, I sincerely doubt 'feeling young' has anything to do with it, because I've never felt young. If were such a thing as soul police, they'd never find me in this body. I feel like an impostor in disguise.

I'm on the 5th Tremors movie tonight while my people are scattered doing their things. I love that this movie series took a more serious turn than the usual shark and monster one-offs. The filming is good and the survivalist slant is credible, and the Burt Gummer character development has actually been fun to watch from one movie to the next, and each movie is progressively very different from the last. Here's more on Burt.

I'm not sure what is happening but I feel like I have finally clicked into place with who I am. My years of angsting seem to be dissipating and I can look back now and see how so many pieces fit. I was on the right track all along, just couldn't pull back and see bigger picture very well. I understand best when I see a flash of all the things, which makes me a bit of a savant, but only if I'm in exactly the right position with the right slant of light hitting the right tilt of my head and my line of sight at exactly the right height, so I'm mostly crawling along blind and stupid until that hits. I often feel like my mind is in Flatland, and my brain is dimensions above where I'm rarely able to actually use it, but when I get that click, #allthethings. And it's brilliant and wonderful and so satisfying, like suddenly I'm using my brain like Flatterland. And I mean that metaphorically, like applied to my emotional and social life. A particular person who talked me through falling apart in 2007 would appreciate this visual, I think. I saved the words from back then, and I can reread them now and see that I instinctively knew what I needed but was so mentally blind that I couldn't see or say them correctly, and they had to wash over me, over and over like waves along a shoreline, before I could go back and understand them for what they were.

I know now why I needed her, and why it was so important to have her back so I could solve myself. Sometimes a key doesn't know why it is the one, even if that key is the most important one because it's the only one that worked in that lock.

I was locked out of myself. The key turned. Everything opened up. I got stuck because the key was stuck in the lock. I had to be able to pull the key out of the lock to go on. And now I keep the key with me. I might never need it for the lock again, but it was important and became precious. The key to who I have been able to become, and hopefully even more, may have been a representation in my mind, but could only be used in the form of a very real and genuine person. We can't just imagine ourselves into being more than we are without other very real people making our hearts credible. Inventing and reinventing ourselves falls short and very flat without the warmth of another soul to care that it happens.

I used to believe I didn't need anyone to Be. I started a story a very long time ago about that. I think I'll be able to finish that one now.

~time passing, playing with filters~

~more time passed, need to let this one go~


Sunday, October 22, 2017

I can tell this is important because I'm crabby

I got up and wrote this at 1:32 a.m.

  • Waking up disappointed that a memory of a game I played once wasn't real, and waking up from THAT going aw, man because it meant the game I was still playing wasn't real, either.

And now it's after coffee and I'm quietly thinking.

I need to assess before I go down in flames.

  • Neglecting my foot injury is stupid and I need to get to my podiatrist, like I've been saying since last summer. I'm now using a cane part-time after I'm especially stupid doing too much.
  • Moving appointments over and over and over has got to stop. I have a broken tooth and since I pay cash it makes more sense to fix it NOW while it still hasn't got a cavity than do a root canal later and pay ten times more.
  • Living without any kind of anti-inflammatory whatsoever (med intolerance) and continuing to carry on through outrageous amounts of pain above and beyond what I agreed to has got to stop. I'm the one with the disability papers. Me doing all the laundry and dishes is a courtesy that I'm not being compensated for, and it's costing me health points. I don't mind doing what I volunteer to do, what I do mind is not being compensated in any form for doubling the child care hours over what I agreed to. We're not saving money if I wind up in surgery, point blank.

I'm not 30 years old any more. I remember being 30, raising 2 children on top of chronic illness and college and later on jobs, and the cost/benefit wound up being me sacrificing everything I am so other people could keep doing what they want. I've worked very hard on not feeling bitter about that. Also, cost/benefit nowadays has a little more death at my door kind of slant to it, and I'm not comfortable thinking about going early like my mom.

I understand loss and pain and finding new paths. I am happy to support new paths. I wouldn't mind a little support back, and I don't mean telling a 4 year old to pick up after herself when someone else clearly doesn't model that behavior.

Oh, and on our 4 day break we are going on a big, bad spider hunt. Apparently the warm moist towels and dirty clothes on the floors is really drawing in the brown recluse population, and food all over the house will soon be supporting thriving cave cricket and ant colony surges. I really don't like bugs in my house.

lyrics Inochi wa utsukushii – Nogizaka46

Friday, October 20, 2017

Virtual Space

You know you're feeling better when you suddenly push away from a game server and start working out because your body says it just wants to do something. So I got this youtube going for warm up

and suddenly dove into a baby name search wondering if anyone had ever named a kid Virtual Space. Apparently not, because I didn't find anything. What's wrong with you hipsters?

I'm getting alerts galore that Vanessa Paradis is loading vids onto VEVO this week, but they aren't available in the U.S. 😠 You're killing me, guys. Fine, I'll check out a hot group in some other country then.

See ya, got some moving around to do.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

I'm probably in the wrong October

Can I have my brain back yet, please?

click for youtube tutorial
Making lists isn't helping. We're down to WYSIWYG menu planning. Thank goodness for frozen prepackaged meals. Pop them in and *bam*. Supper. And I can still say cool words like chicken cordon bleu.

I've decided to negotiate with terrorists (per last post) to partially clear my financial planning path for wild success through pre-trimming potential backlash. Since I'm still making substantial payments on other health care (medicare plans are like playing poker, you gotta keep putting chips in the pot), I'm trying to find enough scraping togethering to make a first payment over the phone and then establish monthly auto pays. I hope they're small enough not to need to borrow $$ from @bonenado. I have juggled a lotta stuff this year and dropped a few Xanga eggs. Hoping I can pick those back up eventually.

I knew it was Wednesday because I asked if I needed to get Bunny ready for church tonight. An hour later I was excited about Monday night football coming on. 15 minutes later I was all silly me, it's Thursday night football, ohcrapbettersetmylineup! Did that and then asked @bonenado if this is Wednesday because something didn't feel right.

In the meantime, I'm making an eyeball slam list for a marathon external hard drive clearing outing so I can keep moving emergency short notice tiny child programming off the DVR before our incoming Gotham/Flash/everythingelseunderthesun piles bump themselves right off the timers. (I can't believe I'm 2 years behind in Ancient Aliens, Curse of Oak Island, AND Doctor Who. I know, right?) OH, and another author has sent me preview copies of a book I've been waiting at least 15 years to read. The files piling up on flash drives from actors and authors letting me see stuff is becoming embarrassing, since I can't even keep up with my own reading list, much less get my own hard copy out there. I'm trying to think of a great dedication on at least one of the books in my lineup that profusely thanks a tiny child for existing in my life and blowing me light years off my course. Because that's what human history is all about, isn't it?

No idea what those extra graphics say. I wanted the music.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

les miserables

Happy Birthday to me. The U.S. Department of Treasury now holds my student loan. Among a very long list of collection measures are
  • We can refer your debt to the U.S. Attorney for litigation.
  • We can perform computer matches with other Federal agencies to determine if you are a government employee or a recipient of other Federal aid for purposes of offsetting all or a percentage of these funds.
  • We can refer your debt to the Department of the Treasury for offset of Federal and/or State payment due you (including your Federal income tax refund). (Funny story- we're already having to file injured spouse for illegal garnishment of said refund one year without payback, so basically, the feds broke their own laws and didn't recompense.)
As per my Dear Gregory letter, loan forgiveness for complete disability means nothing, years of attempting to comply mean nothing, and the only way 'out' of this daily hammering is to pay all the debt right now (only half of which is actually debt) or set up repayment for the rest of my life that never touches principle. I could pay for 20 years and have less than 10% paid on principle. And now it's back, after being sold off multiple times for profit, in U.S. government hands.

I have been through several presidents on both sides during all this, so it has nothing to do with the president. This is how America does business. This is legal debtors prison, entrapment in a system that doesn't allow honest payback. If they had allowed me to make the payments I tried to make all along (even one dollar short is rejected entirely, so trying to arrange payments on limited income has been a hoot), this would already be paid off. I have not been able to generate income since 2006.

You guys can see if I sell an actual book I'll immediately get swooped on for collections, garnished on all sides, and never build up any level of credit. All income will go to the U.S. government. A domino effect of that will be my disability case being yanked back into review and going into lawsuit for the received moneys so far to be paid back. That's happened to me before (as a single parent on food stamps) because of a paperwork glitch, and once that ball gets rolling, it's just pure suck. The best advice a lawyer could give me was just don't answer the phone.

I'm not alone.
Medicare even with medigap did not pay for my cancer testing. They don't pay for my eye exams and glasses. They don't pay a cent on dental. They are very strict on the kind of medical care I receive and for how long, no matter how limiting my life is. Thankfully, they have been more generous than insurance ever was, but in the end, setting up a monthly payment that exceeds 25% of my very limited 'income' from the government to go back to the government is about the stupidest thing I ever went through in my life, and all the people involved in all the paperwork are taking home better paychecks than I ever did on all my jobs, and have excellent healthcare coverage and other benefits.

You want to know why America has homeless and impoverished disabled? Because it's good business to sell and resell debt. It creates jobs out of thin air. The miserable are one of the shoulders our government rides on. It's all just a big legal game everyone is playing.

But I'm thankful we have real laws against actual debtors prison.

Monday, October 16, 2017

it's all right

the description when you click is sad 😢
When this post elicited this response yesterday, I burst into tears because I knew someone actually heard me.

I've said before that sometimes my worst days are also my best days. This comment happened a few hours later.

There are days where family and friends don't know what to do with me, and I withdraw for all our sakes because my world is so black no one can handle me. Thank goodness for this distraction, which happened in the nick of time. Not sure if you can see it without a facebook account, although it is public.

I rarely reach a point where I'm listing possible names to grab on some kind of call or private messaging, but yesterday I was down to 3 names and ticking a list of what each person could probably handle on short notice without it actually killing a relationship and coming up empty handed. Having social media accounts on the internet was that little ledge I hung onto with one last claw.

Thank goodness time passes, but I wasn't released until I made it through the kind of long and detailed nightmare that spits a person out on Monday morning feeling really crabby. Thankfully, crabby is one of my salvation modes, and then there was coffee. And then I got busy and now I'm mostly ok.

#transparency My world doesn't feel ok. I'm pretty sure it's a virus and my nervous system is doing its best, but in my brain (nerve central) it feels like everything is so sad that I can barely make a plan, and I think I need to leave the house in 30 minutes for an appointment. I'm pretty sure my mood swings will be off the hook until this virus is over, and I very naturally fell into a writing rhythm dealing with it, like I have trained myself for years to do when I don't know what else to do.

On days like this, tears just stream down my face nonstop. Sometimes I don't even notice. I don't actually cry or weep, they just stream. When I think about it, I'm actually thankful because the nerve damage was bad enough for a couple of years not to be able to make tears at all in one eye. Tears are good.

I don't worry about what people think. No one asks, usually. I'm alone so much that there is no other outlet. People are busy and my stuff is overwhelming and transitory, and I know I can make it to another point in time where I feel better, because I have before.

All the same, I'm very tired, stuff looks and feels very hard, and I don't know if I can be good for people right now, so I'm winging it. I'm keeping it simple. I tell people around me to just tell me what to do and I do it. Tell me what time it has to be done, and I make sure it's done. I don't try to think beyond that. I trust that being told what to do and when it needs to be done by will be what I need to get through the day. Today I have several things to execute in a certain time order, and those are my stepping stones today.

This is the black side of autism spectrum egocentric narcissism in a spoonie body on a manic dip into a nonexistent abyss that feels really real. These are the moments where the word 'friends' doesn't save me, where my love for my family can barely shine a tiny light in a far off distance, and where I am the only one I can count on to save me.

God bless fans. This song has been saving me for so many years.

Time to run out our door.

big worms

click for a tweet thread with pix
I couldn't take Disney Jr anymore and veered Bunny into Syfy last week. I had all the Tremors movies saved on DVR, and I was desperate to get my brain back. If you've ever woke up fresh out of bed with the Doc McStuffins theme or the hotdog song from Mickey Mouse stuck in your head, you know what I mean. I needed hardcore Syfy sustenance, stat! And bam, there was Tremors.

@TremorsGuide liked one of my tweets, so I found out there is an Unofficial Guide to Tremors, and that goes to a cool website with links to the book (and kindle) about behind the scenes. "A throwback to the kind of sci-fi B movies that had long gone out of fashion, Tremors was a box office flop that became a home video phenomenon, spawning multiple sequels and a short-lived TV series." Tremors is actually one of Syfy's best franchise hits. I've been public about being a Burt Gummer fan since 2008.

Tremors 6 comes out in 2018!!!! Tremors 6 Gets A Release Date- The original date got pushed back, so summer 2018. You can find announcements like this one on facebook (click the next pic) (remember that the date has changed since he posted this)

and follow Michael Gross on facebook and twitter for real time updates as he finds out himself.

And if you want more on the TV pilot... lol. Yes, another series, yay!!!

We love the 'big worm movies' in our house. People keep asking me what the big worm movies are that Bunny has been talking about this last week.

click pic for tweet
the tweet clicks to
this article
I. Can't. Wait.

This is a fan post, with no compensation. I am a ~fan~. This is also posted at SyfyDesigns.com

Sunday, October 15, 2017

attention whores

Two years ago I opened the Pond of Death.

I named it after a popular Eddie Izzard skit.

At the time, I was deeply struggling with appropriately sorting private and public content about progressing through psychological challenges that include a variety of mental diagnoses and remaining public about it through the roller coaster of social medias. In short, real time interaction stymies me.

Over time I got my stuff mostly sorted out and stopped using Pond of Death, excepting the occasional freak out, which I used to do on private blogs but no longer blog privately.

Pond of Death is very useful for defining that public/private boundary and how I keep my balance. Beyond that, some of the material was toxic inner turmoil dumping that I struggle with and goes nowhere because I'm generally mistaken and just having nerves, so I've pulled that back.

Pond of Death still isn't listed for search engines and still doesn't support comments, but I've gone through it and picked out a more permanent archive.

Aspienado has super spilled a lot of personal stuff onto the webs. Pond of Death especially showcases who I am, what I'm doing, and why I'm here. I felt iffy about that blog for a long time, unsure of its worth or potential or possibly fail, but with a little water under the bridge, I feel it is a unique collection of inner working turmoil that comes with multiple mental illness challenges, and therefore vital to public access. Some of us work very hard to survive, and many are none the wiser and later quite stunned when someone suddenly commits suicide or blasts up a party or a school. I think it's important to share how hard I have worked to still be here.

And as always, I repeat that I believe we all have *something* and most of our 'innocent' bumping around is all our different neurodiversities figuring stuff out. Some of us will never learn to get along, others of us will finish the race with flying colors. In the end, we all wind up on deathbeds with regrets unless we're unlucky enough to get our lives ripped away in accidents and crimes.

If a person reads the Pond of Death blog all the way back, you see where this post title comes from.

I'm otherwise thinking about retiring Pond of Death. I think it's usefulness for me personally was a timely thing, and not meant to be entertaining or a continuing toxic unloading zone. It will stay as is.

I really like that blue background, though.


Life goal- an empty conference room full of laptops like this guy.

in case your weekend is going all wrong
and you need to click on this pic
to get more monkey memes

So it turns out Saturday the 14th is a sneaky bastard behind an innocent acting Friday the 13th holding its hands behind its back and telling us to guess which hand for a surprise. I could whine or I could move on.

Don't look up hand behind back memes, btw. Humans pretty much hold the 'I can type better than a universe full of monkeys' title and that's about it.

9 days till my birthday. I've already announced there will be absolutely no cake. The universe is trying to knock off @bonenado and it's not going to use my birthday to do it. Lotta people don't get that a diabetic refusing a big bowl of cake and ice cream is like an alcoholic desperately refusing a fifth of whiskey, and I'm not doing that to him while he's fighting off both shingles AND the snotty head cold from heck. I'm thinking filet mignon, though.

Ok, ok, I'll whine. It's nothing, just that snotty cold virus thing slamming my old cranial nerve damaged areas. If any of you have ever had Bell's Palsy, Ramsay Hunt, or even just a really bad blow to the side of your head and jaw area, THAT. The pain is unbelievable. I've been told by doctors that viruses will usually hit your weakest areas, like sometimes my thyroid aches during a cold, or sometimes all my joints hurt, but yesterday it hit my cranial nerves like a freight train, and suddenly I was flashbacking into 2004. There was no way I could use CPAP, but I actually slept anyway, thank goodness. And this morning isn't quite as bad, so hopefully it's just a fluke.

I know, right, I just blew all that off like meh. I'm the main household glue around here, if I go down, this ship will be like a sub that can't surface. I put myself on mandatory bed rest last night, and I may be doing it again today. No idea yet how @bonenado fared the extra Bunny care hours. With shingles. With a head cold trying to knock him flat. But you know what? It all worked out and everyone's sleeping in today and I have the router all to myself, MWAHAHAHA. Actually, I can't even sit here, I keep having to get up.

I'm really looking forward to this. I'm a big Mr. Glass fan.

Total spoilers if you haven't seen Unbreakable, but this is about the best movie ending scene I've ever seen in my life. I know, I've said that before.

That's it, I'm wimping out. Back to bed.

Saturday, October 14, 2017


Today is fun. @bonenado and I have accidentally sabotaged each other so many times already today that nothing is making sense any more, but as always, I loomed and plugged my Borg Queen control in and brought order to chaos.

original pic from here
It started last night. He didn't tell me he started a mega download for a new Tom-Tom so he could avoid my crabbiness at having my game server rug pulled out from under my stress load. Yes, he didn't say a word while I spent 20 minutes trying to execute a single command after game load and relog over and over after kick off and finally gave up. His computer was on all night long, monitor off so I wouldn't be the wiser, and power button blocked so I wouldn't see it glowing in the dark. No biggie, right? So I got up first this morning, wrangled for about 30 minutes trying to get on server, finally just pushed the router reset... Yes, it completely killed that download less than an hour to completion, never to recover.

Couple hours later all the info finally came together as super fail facepalm set in all around. I'm feeling extraordinarily vengeful but staying cool and collected while everything else keeps going wrong all morning, like Bunny abruptly throwing her little ADHD body into a gymnastic contortion and kicking a little cup of snotty cold medicine all over the bedding and my fresh clean clothes in a fine sticky syrupy spray. Like such a tiny amount of that stuff instantly stickified everything in a 2 foot radius, including, somehow, the bottom of my sock. Fun, had to strip the bed and change clothes and she'd barely been up 10 minutes.

Between her snotty cold and her meds, @bonenado's shingles, oncoming snotty cold (thanx, Bunny) and his meds, and my continual monitoring of 5 things happening all at once without rhyme or reason, and retracking #allthethings into one thing after another, like linear time should be, on top of my own stuff (I can feel that snotty cold virus starting up in my left cheekbone, ug), my left eye is twitching like I've been locked in a sanitarium dungeon with spiders on me.

Example. After 20 minutes of Bunny and Papa playing on her scooter and her falling splat into a dead lizard on the road and coming into to wash up, I got her focused onto a Halloween card (colors, stickers) while I set up to make apple pie, which she could help with, because Papa really needed a break. Poor Papa didn't get a clue and tried to divert her from me to a TV show so I can catch a break while I 'work', and during a 5 minute pie assembly Bunny diverted into 3 different things while I was trying to keep her focused on pie, and finally the Borg Queen stomped Papa flat with DO NOT TELL HER TO BRUSH HER TEETH RIGHT NOW. I mean, how did that even come up???

I've said before that I married into a family that reminds me of being thronged by little yappy dogs. Everything is spontaneously moment to moment, often without any thread of visible logic, and every day is a delightful detangling and reordering. But I'm really good at it, and sometimes it's just plain funny, and then there is pie. Pie fixes everything.

The P is for Papa, and Bunny picked the Halloween sprinkles. My house smells lovely like apples and cinnamon, so it's ok if the pie looks weird.

We are screaming down the holiday slide, and I won't be a bit surprised if I find myself flipped off to the side in a daze while the rest of the holidays sling around me in a colorful blur. I'm going to stay home and destress on the game server while Papa goes with Bunny and Mama to a punkin farm this afternoon. I'll chop virtual punkins and rake in more dough (currenly over $2M) while they go get a real punkin and do a corn maze and a bouncy house and stuff.

click to get lost in the strangest pinterest cross-stream search ever
bcuz google said this pic goes to that pic for some reason

Friday, October 13, 2017

just a scratch

My last thought before waking up was wondering if I had died because everything was going so perfectly right that I couldn't imagine any other reason. It was one of those mall/church/lots of people dreams that feel like I'm in between lives or something. Those are really rare dreams.

click for a runner's story
Pretty sure my latest foot problem is extensor tendonitis, and I'm pretty sure it was my shoe being laced up way too tight at the shoe store followed by heavy shopping at Walmart and no time to stop and get shoes off before Bunny after school. Then yesterday I was back in those shoes for several hours, and even though they were heavenly comfortable and I had loosened the laces, that area just couldn't take any more. I've done a lot of things to my feet, but I've never seen them look sprained on top and inside just from wearing new shoes. I kept reading (here is a search list), and I also ran into a lot of fibro and feet pain on another search. 10 years ago there was *nothing* on feet with fibro. A rheumatologist even told me point blank fibro doesn't cause foot pain. Guess that's all changed, it's apparently well known and accepted now that fibro can wreak havoc with foot pain because it's a nervous system disorder. At any rate, I'm sticking with this one.
Control Fibromyalgia Foot Pain - Living smarter with fibromyalgia

I'm having a better year (very challenging, but way better), and I'm on my feet a LOT more for lots longer at a time. I've been slamming my poor feet around and ignoring them, mostly just getting my shoes off and kicking back and hoping it all works itself out. 8 months of that- maybe I need to pay more attention. I'm putting myself back on intermittent bed rest through the weekend (I'll still be cooking and cleaning, of course), so that means hauling the laptop back to my bed and pouring my focus into gaming so I won't feel frustrated all over the world at large. But not till I get back from town today. Sorry, feet.

Oh, yeah, punkin spice was in my dream last night, too. I remember telling my sister I was going to buy her some cloves for her birthday, and then I went Christmas shopping because I had money to blow. The strangest part was near the end, people from long ago (? not in this life ?) finding me and telling me I did really well. If I had told you the really creepy dream from earlier this week all your hairs would go up. Pretty sure there was an abrupt fork in the road we successfully made it past.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

today's built-in excuse *eyeroll*

click to plunge into a weird world of foot memes
some of them are priceless
I did not know this.

My documented fibrotic healing response is apparently taking umbrage with my left foot. X-rays said no stress fractures last March, couple months later hobbled on a micro tear because I'm no fool (I'm an idiot getting a micro tear), solved the traveling pain stab prob with decompression in lower spine, spiked out of nowhere into plantar hell, finally figured out I gotta get outa those Nikes but couldn't right away, got new asics yesterday and LOVED THEM- apparently too much. 😑 Woke up to a tiny swollen muscle band in a brand new place, wtf. This is going on 8 months now with that foot freaking out over every teeny weeny little thing.

Meanwhile, the rest of my body seems to be doing fantastic by sheer context.

My massage person also does feet. I've never had anyone but Scott touch my feet in years. I'm super ticklish and really hate having my feet touched, but I may be gritting my teeth tomorrow and sticking my foot out. 😕 Time to get a hands on assessment.

Also time to get some slippers!!! My fuzzy ones gave out last year and I need to get some and keep that foot warm. I get Raynaud's problems during weather changes, and that always makes pain worse. I don't live very far from this place, real sheepskin.

click to check out awesome
like bomber jackets n stuff
And if this doesn't calm down by Halloween, I guess I'll be dragging in to my foot guy crossing my fingers I don't hafta get cortisone shots. I'm one of those risky backfire people who could go into a flare just getting a shot.

Good thing I'm mostly caught up with everything, because today I'm putting that foot up and diving into the game server, huzzah! *praying the internet holds...* Did you guys know this happened last  night??? From spaceweather.com, snip clicks to source.

And I might pull out my Elvira movie bcuz Halloween. I used to dream of raising full sized black and white poodles and doing cool things with them. I even had a couple pre-named Vader and Vespa. Oh, well.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

honesty trumps stigma

pic clicks out to way more pink mug stuff
I especially like 'live what you love', 'prove them crazy wrong', and 'make it happen'
I'm actually back up to my 2 extra large cups of coffee every morning. I was doing really well cutting back for about a week and I guess just hit a big ol' rebound over the last few days while I was juggling a few eggs and chainsaws. One of those sucker punch weekends on all fronts, and today feels like the 3rd Monday in a row kind of thing.

So I really went there yesterday, not a clue for hours that it was #WorldMentalHealthDay, lol.

I grew up in a world of stigma and have seen all the nasty things it can do to relationships and self worth. Inserting stigma into any convo is the fastest way in the world to sabotage, using stigma in social structure is the surest way to mass control.

Fuck stigma. I don't care who thinks or says what about me any more, and I'm going to keep saying honesty and transparency are the path to healing, from micro to macro. Everyone benefits from this point of view.

If you want to stay trapped in stigma (and bless your hearts, I know it is so hard), then realize that you make the conscious choice to allow others to victimize, harass, and emotionally (sometimes physically) rip you. Yes, I know that simply deciding to flip to the other side of the coin doesn't solve all the problems, but like I've been saying in public blogs since 2008- MAKE A PLAN.

Who are you?
Who do you want to be?
How do you get what you want?
What small steps will it take in between the bigger stepping stones to reach your destination?

Social mapping is foreign to me. I suck at understanding human interaction. That doesn't mean I can't learn to navigate the choppy waters, lurking undercurrents, and deadly rocks jutting up from below. I don't have to be shipwrecked because of a rock I didn't see coming. I don't have to stay beached in a place I never wanted to be. I don't have to be sucked into a downdraft and drown because someone else is oblivious or mean.

And I don't have to be mean about it myself. All I gotta do is walk away from it, float over the top of it, steer around it, and keep sailing to where I want to go with my life.

For some people this will mean literally leaving families. For others this means simply adjusting schedules. Any change is always disruptive, and sometimes our comfort zones are deep ruts carved into dysfunctional relationships for reasons. Could be money, could be physical or mental handicaps, could be anything. But tiny incremental small changes over time add up to big changes you never dreamed you could make happen.

I've spent the last 5 years blogging my way through small stepping away from hopeless helpless despair because I wanted to. I had an idea I believed (desperately hoped) could work, and yes, it's working even way better than I ever imagined. I put together my own care team, I put together a plan with clearly defined goals, and I asked for my care team to help me. This care team includes
  • primary care physician
  • chiropractor
  • psychologist
  • endocrinologist
  • gynocologist
  • neurologist
  • psychiatrist
  • physical therapy team
  • massage therapy person
I sought out all those people (and my family) and told them they are part of my team, and that they would all know all the things all the rest do. They all have input, and therefore I've been able to successfully stay off meds that exacerbate problems. My favorite is the neurologist wanting me back on amitriptyline for nerve pain and my psychiatrist letting me know that would make anything mood related much worse. In the past I floundered through so much confusion with only one doctor trying to handle all my stuff, and wound up so miserable and sick all the time that I literally crumbled into immobility and loss of function. Her abruptly abandoning her practice for hospital work and leaving me dangling for 4 months set me on a path that ultimately saved my life.

I crawled my way back out of that, I'm honest with all my people about all my things, I ask for very specific help with reasons why and what I hope to get out of it, and they are more than happy to help me. No more confused wandering through a health care system for me, thanx.

I am #aspienado. I know who I am, what I want, and where I'm going, and I hope to be good for other people so that my life won't feel wasted at the end of it. The legal diagnoses I listed in my last post don't mean I can't make decisions about my own health care (including mental health). Yes, I deal with a mountain of stuff, but that doesn't mean I am incapable of seeking out advice and making educated decisions about how to go forward into making my life better, and I trust my team to guide me through what I don't yet understand.

The most important thing I ever did in my life was learn to ask others for help. I don't instinctively trust anyone, and I'm super fail at reading people, so that was hard. In order to get good help, I put together lists of questions I needed answers to, and I learned to keep it simple and focused so that I wouldn't overwhelm anyone, because I really am an overwhelming person when I get going, and often other people don't realize quite where they triggered a mass of confusion in me that tips my world over. It's called the KISS method and I learned it in high school. Keep It Simple, Stupid.

I have to run out the door, laterz.

Monday, October 9, 2017

a sprinkling of brain things

I came out a little over a year ago in this post with my diagnoses on my disability papers. I didn't link them to anything, but I'm doing that now. Each one will click to an explanation or article.
My psychiatrist would like a harder diagnosis since I've progressed into dissociation issues with my psychologist, which I've basically lived with my entire life but never talked about. He asked for it last winter, and my psychologist said not yet because I was up and down dealing with pain med adjustment problems, and he said that could affect the testing and the diagnosis would be permanent. My psychiatrist reminded me again lately that he'd like that done, and now that I'm more evened out with the pain med situation and another successful set of physical therapy visits, I guess I'll see what my psychologist says.

There are a number of brain things sprinkled throughout my family. On my mom's side are Alzheimer's, schizophrenia, depression, Munchausen by proxy, OCD, and personality disorder. On my dad's side is a strong inclination to autism spectrum.

I am of the opinion that anyone on the planet could be diagnosed with some level of mental illness under the right (or wrong) circumstances. I knew I was having problems as far back as high school, and I walked into MMPI testing of my own volition in college and apparently passed just fine. Years later I asked my primary care doctor to refer me to a psychologist after I learned about Asperger's. Anything mentioned in between to family or friends was mentioned back as me being a hypochondriac just wanting attention, to which I replied I actually dislike attention anyway, so to purposely seek out negative attention seems a bit stretchy, especially since I'd been corporeally punished and lectured at length throughout my childhood and never got enough positive benefit from that to want to seek out more. Well, I didn't say it like that, but you know what I mean.

I have never been hauled in for evaluation. I have never caused disturbances that required interventions. I have never self harmed (typically, visibly) or harmed others (in ways that would get me caught). I was rigidly raised to obey, behave, and don't be embarrassing. I took longer than most kids to catch on, but because of that, I learned to self monitor and avoid unwitting consequences.

I have developed the opinion that beating, humiliating, and scaring children into submission is a very big mistake, but I can see how mentally ill people living in dysfunctional families manage to survive in society that way. Being raised to have too much pride to wind up in jail was a powerful motivator for me, although that was never said in so many words. I actually turned down a lucrative offer based on the fact that I'd eventually wind up in jail, because I personally detest being confined and told what to do. I didn't choose correctly on moral principle or because I might lose custody of my child over it, no, I chose correctly because I had a deterrent I didn't want to tolerate. I was smart enough to at least avoid that by walking away from the offer (which was actually a dangerous thing to do, and I knew it, but I had such a flippant attitude back then that I didn't care).

I'm old and wise now, like Gandalf. I see people all around me who are like me but toe the lines so their lives don't get stupid. They stick to rules and reasons for why they have those rules. I personally think most of the rules are rubbish because the reasons are even more rubbish, but whatever works, right? The goal is to function successfully enough to survive, not win a logic debate. It's easy to see how not toeing the line can go all bad real fast, and that implies stupidity, and many of us would rather not be caught being that stupid.

I've noticed that very few people have actual moral principles, and even when they do they betray them without an eye blink if it serves their momentary purposes. Human mental health is relatively new on the long term scale of human development, and survival traits often include the more cunning virtues, like being able to lie and cheat well, learning when to fake or steal without being caught, jumping into opportunities without sharing them, and more. Part of human intelligence is cunning, and cunning isn't necessarily emotionally healthy.

I think neurodiversity is in it's infancy, and I really hope it doesn't go through a sweeping genocide because of 'mental illness'. It's possible that some level of mental illness might actually be a positive survival trait for some people. For instance, my narcissistic attitude as a child about other people being stupid kept me from self destructing into self deprecation and the nasty consequences of self harm, corroding addictions, and suicide, as per discussion with my psychologist. It's true that some people benefit from help with tweaking brain chemicals, but it's also true that some of our greatest art, literature, and science leaps were borne in mentally ill brains.

I am not ashamed of a single one of my diagnoses. I didn't even know I was this much of a mess until I sought out help for a very real personal problem that bothered me very badly. I wanted a friend. A real friend, a friend who would accept me and respect me and care that I walk this earth and not just toy with me or use me. Real life isn't like television for most of us. Most of us feel lonely a lot more than TV says we should. Most of us don't have laugh tracks following us around like we're so cute even when we're dumb. Most of us live like facepalm cliffhangers that never get resolved because the show got cancelled.

Most of us remain undiagnosed.

Side story to make a point. @bonenado has shingles. He is dealing with a level of pain I've been living with for years. He has suddenly taken an interest in a little research, so I sent him a link with a list of shingles symptoms. I have been living with every one of those symptoms for years, minus the rash. I am not afraid of shingles. That doesn't mean I ever want them or that I would blow them off if I got them, but it means I'm a seasoned veteran with experiencing nerve pain and therefore don't feel that tingle of fear around the word shingles.

The idea of being mentally ill doesn't frighten or upset me. I have apparently been living with all of this for a very long time without knowing there were names for it. My life has gotten better and even easier since I found out about them. I was struggling so hard for years with why is it so hard for me to be nice. I really did try, and everywhere I went, one hour into whatever and I was in defcon migraine level hate and badly needing escape. Why? Once I found out it's because my senses are so easily overwhelmed and that my natural coping mechanisms are faulty, I stopped being so hard on myself. All I have to do is simply remove myself from a situation before it gets overwhelmingly ugly for me, and people all around think that I'm nice.

Learning to live with mental illnesses is like learning to live with chronic illnesses. You develop rhythms and lifestyles that help you stay balanced and learn to navigate the disruptions that upset that balance. I happen to need a lot of quiet time in order to cope well, and when that becomes impossible, I have fallback modes I can go into to focus my way through until I can reach a place of quiet. A lot of it is about preplanning for sensory overload, which triggers all kinds of personality issues when I don't stay smart about how I want my day to go.

It's not a piece of cake. I live with both mental and chronic illnesses. Sometimes it's really hard to get through life sucks, but sometimes everything goes all wrong and I'm fine with it. The most important thing about each moment is keep moving. Keep breathing, keep minecrafting, keep doing my laundry, keep checking on people I love, keep keeping. Enjoy the little things, treasure the moments, love all the nouns (people, places, and things).

I don't know if this will help anyone, but I believe honesty and transparency are becoming even more rare and precious in this super socially saturated world, and the more we just say our stuff, the more we'll not feel alone.


Sunday, October 8, 2017

twoo wuv

When the weekend slings you against the cosmic windshield.

click if your own fail needs cosmic fail to make you feel better
So, @bonenado has shingles all over one of his legs. It hurts.

it's easy to make your own demotivational posters
click to try it out!
Bunny's mama officially hit the middle age mile marker today.

clicks to plenty of distraction to get lost in
I'm kind of working on getting some ostriches together to see if they'll lay eggs on a game server, so of course it's requiring a number of very disconnected steps just getting it all set up. I'm calling it the worst of my problems and ignoring people telling me my player shop is out of sand. Like omg, sand is one of the easiest things in the world to go get, so ~chill~.

clicking this one might be a bit depressing, actually
Oh, yeah, and a *cough*friendofafriend*cough* is coming perilously close to the Pond of Death. That's ok, no one you know.

Or maybe you do, I'm really losing track of who actually stalks me any more. Like from a library parking lot in the wee hours because someone needed their wifi Lexx fix or something. It's all good. I'm cool with wifi however you can find it, right? Not looking at you, unnamed 2 word 3 syllable state vaguely way northeast of me.

I wandered through youtube again last night. It was all auto suggested and nonrelated, so there's probably something for everyone.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

going full blown terraKhan

if pinky blog isn't rankling enough for you, click to fume-snark
Yeah, I can't go there. Too many triggers this week.

I've also got other stuff on my mind. Pinky blog domain payment just went through and I guess the price went up, so time to look into that. I really had no idea how wild this would get, so many of us out there using this name and all the crazy search referrals I keep running into, but I'm caught in my own setup now and I guess I'll be riding this one out. Oh, the funny games we play amusing ourselves.

Speaking of games, I guess I'm going full blown terracotta support in my player shop. I'm still ripping down a mesa on the resource world before the regen resets, and don't ask me how, but suddenly it seems so easy. I don't know if it was my 6-day stint in single player or what, but I'm all over the new colors and loving the extra points I'm racking up while I glaze.

Started with adding on the dyed clays.

Branching into the glazed terracottas.

these 2 screenshots click back to official game server site if you're interested in checking it out
The brain healing is still amazing me. I created this player shop after the Haven move to Valhalla, so mid July? I remember spending a very confusing week wrapping my brain around the new economy, finding a reasonable balance between the warp buy and sell prices, setting and resetting a hundred signs, very much like actual retail. I spent a couple of months tweaking and finally settled on a good rhythm with the other players. When we upgraded to the latest vanilla recently I thought maybe I would just let go of clay, it seemed a little too much work. Not sure how or when it happened, but I guess all that brain work got some more lights on, and suddenly setting up a whole new shop area seemed really easy and I did it fairly quickly. I was able to keep the 16 color list straight, acquire and process the materials, and set up the signage while handling connectivity issues, player interactions, and real life. Plus all that is going on in hard survival with extra mobs, AND I was also able to keep my cash crop wealth growing.

I don't look back very often on the old blog posts that much nowadays, but this week was a mile marker so I went there. My brain still falls out a bit around the house, still getting my days and weeks mixed up, still a goofball, but apparently I'm getting math back, strategy and planning are falling into place, and multitasking under stress is getting more reliable without feeling lost, yay! I've also noticed that it's easier dealing with anxiety away from the house if I think about what I'd like to do next on the game server instead of paying attention to whatever is ramping up my anxiety. Still thinking my friend pulling me into minecraft was the best possible positive impact on my cognitive glitching, and very thankful for it.

I'm also all over executing my daily care plan, and even on pred for 4 days my fasting glucose was 89 this morning. If I can stick to this the rest of the year, I should be in really good shape by 2018. Just gotta remember I want this and not screw myself up.

I'm missing the real time ST Discovery show scheduling, but right there with you guys on wondering what's going on. Here is one fan theory.

And I've already heard rumors about this tying back to Khan somehow.

And you guys know I love Khan.

And a whole bunch more posts that 'Khan' shows up in when you put that into the search in Pinky blog.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Pinkyween commences

Trigger caution, graphic violence.

Random search surfing around youtube and this caught my eye. "Somebody once challenged me to make a Heroes music video to a song by Britney Spears and still make it seem badass." I had to watch it immediately.

And from there it was me and the headphones while Bunny tortured Papa after he got home from work.

I have missed so much live tweeting this year. I'm so torn.

I'm even regretting saying I was tired of so much TV last year.



Now it's later. Still wired on the pred, everyone else is in bed. It's so weird being pred-jacked during a crash off a long euphoric ep, even though it was semi-controlled.

Tomorrow is the big day.

I've had 8 years to think that all through. I've spent 8 years working on becoming more emotionally healthy and regaining back some of what I lost sinking into physical disability. I have worked very, very hard on not being selfish and being present in the moment for the people I love around me. I can honestly say I'm no longer hateful, but I have to honestly admit I'm still very angry, and I don't foresee ever not crashing through so many painful memories every time the first week of October rolls around.

I am quite jealous of people my age who still have both their parents. I feel very sad for people I know who lost both parents already at a younger age than I did. I can't imagine either scenario. All I can feel is jealousy, sadness, pain, and all kinds of anger.

Two years ago I wrote interpretations. My mom had absolutely no moral support raising an autism spectrum child in the middle of so much other stuff that she was dealing with. I am finally old and wise enough to see all that from the eyes of a peer instead of a child. I feel so bad for her sometimes looking back that I can't stand it, and I hide that I cry, like she used to hide that she cried. I can't go back and fix all the misunderstandings, and even if I could try, I would probably make it all worse somehow.

I spent most of my life in hard shutdown because I was very strictly not allowed to have meltdowns without what some people would now consider fairly severe consequences. I've spent the last ten years talking to a psychologist untangling so much mess, and that is very seriously only the tip of a very big iceberg.

If there is anything I can say to parents of autism spectrum kids, of any neuroatypical kids, it's please just love them. I've seen people treat dogs better than they treat their own children, and it breaks my heart. I've seen people treat strangers more kindly than they treat their children, and it shreds me. To judge anyone for something they cannot help, never asked for, and don't yet have the capacity to deal with is really harsh, especially when it turns into corporal punishment and very mean faces and words. Children on autism spectrum, especially, can be notorious for retaining hardcore highly detailed memory recordings for decades, and the behavior you exhibit might be either replayed or spelled out years later.

I'll be spelling mine out. I won't be doing it to be mean, but to be kind. Sometimes it's important to see how ugly something gets in order to veer away from it in future. And, honestly, I'm older now than a lot of the autism parents out there freaking out, and they really do need to know that giving birth to 'broken' children isn't the end of the world. We're all broken. Anyone who can punish a small child without any rescue or defense for simply being broken is broken themselves.

My mom was very broken, and I want to go back in time and scoop her up as a tiny child and rescue her. I'm very sad she never got to see me arrive to this point. One day I'll share a picture of her looking so sad as a small child that everyone will wonder what happened, and then the smiles in all the rest of the pictures after that will look different.

I drown in empathy. Don't let anyone ever tell you auties have no empathy. I had to turn mine off and get mean and cold to survive, but all the soft sad stuff is very intact and the recordings are all still there. I wasn't even five years old when I asked my mom why she was sad, and she never allowed me to ask her that again and never talked about it. Imagine what must have gone on inside of her to stuff that back in so hard and never let anyone see it. We saw her anger, yes. I've come to realize it was a privilege to see her sad. Not depressed, not fearful, not anxious, but sad. Why was it so important to hide the sad?

Dear autism parents- You have my full support. I was a difficult child, and once I realized I had power, I sometimes made it more difficult for my emotionally weak mother to function. We were quite a pair. I sabotaged her in very subtle ways, and she crumbled and did some very mean things back to me. By the time I was in high school our relationship was so broken that we never recovered from living without that parent/child bond. I felt unforgiven and she felt hated, because she didn't forgive me and I hated her.

Stuff like that is really simple to fix once you realize that's what's going on.

clicks to source
I'm borrowing it
a few people will get it