I started this about an hour and a half before midnight two nights ago.
I should probably be paying more attention.
I only found that because I couldn't keep a game server up and wasn't quite ready to pull my brain off the screen yet. As far as I can tell, a specific something kinda boomed in a particular couple of areas that was most likely Lexx related. Oh, nothing, just deep underneath the surface mining ores 'n stuff, glancing up...
I've started asking this question of a few people around me in real life and online- If you knew you could make $100,000 over the next 2 years, would you let anything stop you? And then when I move on to Would you let your depression stop you?, the response instantly lets me know they know exactly what I'm talking about.
I believe I am capable. I believe I have worthy material. My stats let me know once in awhile that other people think that, too. I have things to say that have garnered interest from nearly every country on the planet, some of the most specific hits coming in on posts leaning out over that not-quite-saying-it edge on religion and politics. Well, today it may have been about fandom freedoms and politics.
I don't share all of what I really think on blogs. As I inch closer and closer to hard copy print merch, it's becoming more clear how much impact I could possibly have. Original intention was to have impact, yes, but originally, I never even dreamed of how much impact just a few blog posts could have.
I love author bios. It's cool finding out that Orwell was unimaginably ill with tuberculosis as he was writing 1984. It's comforting finding out that a favorite book here or there took ten years to write. It's weird wondering what a generation or two after me would say if I ever really did make it. It's horrible thinking it will all go to the grave with me if I don't get this done.
I haven't been this emotionally and physically drained in years. Fatigued, yes. More crippled and suffering, yes. More sick and afraid, most definitely. But too tired to care... never. I don't recall ever reaching this point before. Even when I got close, anger would always push me back onto my path. I'm too tired to be angry any more.
Revenge is best served cold. I'm beginning to see a new interpretation of that. I think it's often meant more like a well-planned revenge works best when the temper flaring is out of the way. I'm wondering now if it could also mean revenge is best served when it is no longer even cared about. I'm noticing a new freedom growing in my mind. The tireder I feel, the less I worry about consequences or perfect timing or the money that's gone into it. By the time I get this done, I'll be so worn out that I'll still be a completely normal person living a normal life trying to get back into an occasional live tweet, like what I did never even happened. Big deal, right Neal? Oh yeah, that book thing. I'll be more concerned about how far behind I'm dragging on a TV show or whether I can keep up with other players on a game server.
Now it is today.
And I don't have much to say. Scratch that, I have reams in stack overflow. I've been writing on anything and everything I can lay hands on when tech is down and I'm spread thin across the maps. Back to school pens and spirals are my Christmas, all boiled down.
I'm to the point where I don't believe any author that actually manages to write on any kind of schedule at all has enough family life of some kind going on. #fam When I arrive to my deathbed, I definitely won't be regretting that I didn't stop continually over and over in the middle of paragraphs and sentences and thoughts to respond to people I care about on all sides coming to me for anything and everything.
The love is so very real. I hope to God I get this done.