Why are you doing this, you ask. Because my internet is too slow and sucky for gaming, I reply. Oh, you say. Yes, it sucks, I say.
Three weeks till the big eclipse, guys. Hey, I stick up for the picked on. Also, click for more, because if you're reading Pinky blog, you're probably as bored as I am. #10 is awesome.
I just discovered that "panki y el guerrero" is a thing. Hm. Moving on. Oh, here we go, press the Bored Button. Meh. Wo, lol, I come up in an 'Elon Musk' search.
Ok, here you go. you're my lobster Not a clue in the world why that particular post got associated with Elon Musk in a search. The only time I even mention him here in Pinky blog out of over a thousand posts is on base reality. If someone dragged my writing into comments somewhere else, I guess thank you? Kinda weird how this one worked out.
I'm actually looking for the post I made once with all kinds of doo-dads to play around on. Super facepalm on it being impossible to find, even with all the tags I use.
Ok, I'm worn out now. I've looked and looked and finally just ran into this vid I salvaged on a Pinky post on Xanga. "I could easily write 10,000 words on the magic of the old days"... I'm going out on this one.
It's also still 'live' at the moment, impressions are still zooming up.
The most interesting thing I'm learning from this is that most of the likes are by people with private accounts, and retweets include a reefer activist tweet accout slugging it out with police accounts and an anticonformist living near the pit of anticonformist conformity.
I've been thinking about doing throwback Thursdays for awhile. It's a little early for deer season, so maybe see what the beginning of September has been like through the years.
2007-
I had Scott listen to xxx's message on my phone today, and he just laughed. He was like "what an idiot..." O_O wow, I forgot about that. And, to be *really* frank about things, I think xxx's motivation for keeping me hooked up with xxx is so she can keep getting insider info on *cough*certainpeople*cough* and what's coming up in the future with the um, 'thing'. I asked myself this morning while I was frying some bacon what her motivation might be to keep me trying so hard... I mean, if she's that worried about her, SHE needs to be the one making the contact and taking on the burden. And she *could* have asked me for xxx's mailing address or phone number... She didn't....
A few thoughts looking back on that- I was not quite yet diagnosed autism spectrum, wildly hurting and misunderstanding something vital, and a frenemy, for lack of a better word, was playing double agent being sweet to me for 3 months. And she could have really been a sweet person, in either case, I'm eternally grateful for that daily contact keeping me from utter self destruction even if the entire thing could have been a golden opportunity for other people to stab me in the back. I'm finding consolation in the hilarious idea that my misinterpretation of emotional events was probably erroneously shared as gospel, and that the reason an entire fandom died down afterward was because our passion ran much deeper than anyone could have possibly imagined, but realistically, it was all probably kept fairly private by a level headed person that actually cared about us.
I've been seeing a psychologist for about 9 years now, way past the infantile fanaticism that tried to swallow us and drag us under. I've also been done for years with speculative gossip in fandoms. I have pages of my side of the pain, and it's still excruciating to read, but when I do glance back through a little, I see a very mixed up aspienado still emotionally incapable of processing through feels. I was as close as it gets to being like a dog that refuses to leave a grave of a passed on master.
This was a CF friend who'd been through a double lung transplant, which seemed to work for a little while. Much of my inspiration to keep going no matter what has come from talking to her. It's hard not to be inspired by someone zooming around doing stuff on 20% lung capacity because she wanted to.
I did find out about three hours ago that my friend did finally pass away at 4:00 yesterday afternoon, probably California time, which would be 2:00 for me. I remember I was laying in bed crying around that time before I fell asleep in a nap. And since I got the phone call there have been more emails to send, more phone calls. I've gotta go lay down. This week feels like it's already been 3 days longer than it should be.
Apparently I had a lot on my plate that weekend, plus that was also the same summer that I slowly lost being able to walk, starting nearly 3 months before, and which I was still hiding from the world at large.
2008-
I generally filter the really personal stuff, but this was one of my better attempts at trying to create a more readable whinefest. Remember, this is an autism spectrum + ADHD marriage. The communication dance is so familiar now that none of this bothers me any more. By this time I was back on my feet but still living in a remarkable amount of pain and mobility challenge. I should also note that my own mother was in a nursing home and I was her dpoa, and this was about a year before she died, which adds a little needed context. Also, we've been married 23 years now and we're still best friends. Also, these are my words, I don't represent anyone else's actual thoughts.
Starting over. I'm crabby. If you don't like it, wimp out now while you have the chance.
I had been asking Scott since last Friday to get with his mom about grilling and food and which day and what time and whatnot.
So yesterday I'd already had meat thawed for 24 hours, I was on edge, ready, no information.
At 10 a.m. yesterday morning he was watching a Hallmark movie (?!?) with his cutie Catherine Bell in it, when during a commercial he casually waves a hand and says "Oh, Mom said to call her about the food". Since Scott hadn't seen or talked to her since the day *before*, that was pretty suspicious... I said, "How long have you been supposed to pass this message along to me?" You ladies can appreciate the teetering edge of death Scott was on.
Apparently he and his mom had already discussed a full menu and the day and time and I wasn't important enough to be included in the loop, even though this cookout is, once again, at OUR house, and we're the ones with the meat, and I'm doing the major prep and clean up. I nearly panicked. I ~thought~ we had decided that the cookout was on Sunday, and that I had two hours to pull it off from scratch with barely any final notice. And here he was watching a Hallmark movie, of all things. He *never* sits around in the house watching tv on a sunny day.
The morning deteriorated down from there. I'm not the sort that yells, and I don't throw or slam things because I don't have enough control to not hurt myself doing it (good deterrent), but after the movie was over I sat the boy down and we had a little talk. Every weekend everyone else gets his full attention. The ONLY time I get Scott is when I ride in the car with him to get groceries. This has been so consistent that I made a bet with him a couple of months ago that we will not have a single weekend to ourselves the rest of the year without someone panicking and demanding his presence or his advice and support on the phone. Every weekend I remind him it's happening again. I've tried making a cute game of it, but this last Saturday he went to breakfast with his daughter and an ex-sister in law from 20 years ago who was in town and didn't bother telling me until an hour before he left, but he has yet to make a date with me where he actually plans a nice time out and turns off his phone. Every single week someone else gets him and I sit at home and wait for him to come back. Yes, sometimes we eat breakfast out when we go grocery shopping, but we never get through it without the inevitable phone call.
So he interrupts and asks me what I'd like to 'go do'... A movie, perhaps?
Um, I can't even sit on my own couch for two hours straight without having to be on ice, I can't walk very far without having to collapse from all the pain in my joints and back, especially since the fall, I really don't think I can go 'do' anything without being fully medicated. Unless he's willing to push me around in a wheelchair. I reminded him he said he'd take me to Bass Pro and use a wheelchair, but that was two weeks ago and we never went because another family emergency came up and he didn't have the time. So suggesting a movie was not only ludicrous, it was almost insulting because it means he's not paying attention to what I'm going through and what I'm needing. I'd be stuck sitting in the dark with staples in my knee and people crawling over me, having to stumble down steps if I needed to get up, and basically risking more injury. Really makes sense.
Anyway, that wasn't the point. The point was I was prepared once again to do something morally supportive for HIS parents (I never get to see my own), and no one bothered even talking to me while my stress level was slowly building while I kept asking for more information, on top of everything else I have to live with every day. Normally this really isn't a big deal for me (check my Christmaspost for some really good context on how well I can handle this kind of stuff under extreme duress), but I felt easily waved off and unimportant. I know it's not true, but I'm the easiest person in the world to take for granted if I don't stand my ground and stick a fork in Scott's gut once in awhile.
Anyway, the cookout is TODAY, and Gram is going all out over it. She's making pasta salad and pie and something else, because she wants lots of leftovers so she won't have to cook all week. I found a bag of veggies in the freezer that will be really good in the fried spaghetti. I already boiled the spaghetti yesterday and have it in a big bag in the fridge. I'm going to have to make another batch of lemon bars.
So all the prep I did yesterday getting ready for company will be repeated again today. I'm starting all over again. Lunch is at noon, Gram is turning it into an Event, and Scott is busily being unavailable, crawling around the attic and setting the ladder up for later roof walking, when yesterday he watched a chick flick. I told him this is the last time I do this.
I've also told Scott that if he ever incurs a wound that needs a new dressing twice a day and has to be cleaned and watched for infection and he's having a hard time seeing it or reaching it, I'll be sure and do everything he's doing for moral support. Gag and walk off, check. Blurt that the sterile pads were made in China in the middle of him saying something, check. Make a big deal about how ugly the wound is, check. Take the opportunity to brush my teeth, check. Ask after 5 days if THAT is the tape he's using when it's been sitting out the whole time, check. Forget that he's in the shower and leave him standing there when he can't get out alone, check. Run off with other people and leave him to sit alone, check.
His ADD has been way off the wall lately. He's usually not this bad, but lately it's like we're not even in the same day or something. And breakfast with a sister-in-law from 20 years ago??? He loathes his ex-wife, he never stayed in contact with the family, but because Twinkles wants him to go, he goes and plays nicey nicey. Do we go visit MY family? No. Not in months. I haven't seen either of my parents since Christmas, and they are only 60 miles away. Scott is aware I can no longer handle the long drive myself, visit for an hour or two, and then do the long drive home.
Wo. Scott must have seen waves of pissiness over here in the corner. He just offered to make me some french toast... He NEVER makes breakfast for me. No matter what I'm going through, he never makes breakfast even for himself, even if he's up ahead of me. He *once* made his own breakfast after I hinted that he didn't have to wait for me to feed him, but it never occurred to him to make some for me, too. I'll tell ya, he is pure man. He's awesome for many things and takes great care of me in many ways, but when it comes down to the little personal details, I would get more attention if I were a dog walking around the house. I have a feeling the only reason I'm getting french toast is because he fears what would happen if he ate breakfast and didn't pay attention to me. I'm obviously not up bothering to worry about *his* stomach this morning. My knee swelled back up last night, it's all tight against the staples and feels awful, and I really don't care if he starves to death right now. Yep, I'd call this a pissy mood.
I'm sure this is all coming from this being PMS week and I'm just blowing it out before I need to get on top of stuff and be pleasant. But the fun feeling I had at the beginning of all this a few days ago has certainly deflated out of me, and now it feels like a big chore I have to get through.
Concentrate on how good the food will be....
And I know you all can appreciate this one-- now Scott is in my kitchen, asking me how to make french toast, adding to my new pile of dishes, and taking up time and space while I have to sit here and pretend to wait patiently and enjoy that he's being so sweet. We have four hours to company and all the big food needing to be ready, and I need a shower. But I'm waiting patiently while Rachael Ray in there turns french toast into a 30 minute meal.
I will try to be nice now.
2009-
The beginning of the chronic allergy problems after CMV took me down half the year. I was blowing it off in post that year, joke's on me, right? That was also the year I was awarded full disability, and the paperwork rolled in all around me into an almost 3 inch pile of medical history. This is what an asperger's diagnosis looks like to aspienado. I'm understanding all this a lot better now, but back then, most of this was a big blow to my world view and crumbled it completely apart, and I had to rebuild with awareness playing a major role in understanding my interaction problems. I'm not kidding when I say this has taken years.
Got my psyche assessment copy. The funny thing about Asperger's is the inability to self-evaluate in terms of normal standards, so a lot of this was a real surprise to me, and still cracks me up every time I think about it. I am "markedly limited" in my ability to perform within a scheduled time period and retain customary tolerances. I am "moderately limited" in my ability to understand detailed instructions and carry them out, sustain an ordinary routine without supervision, or work in proximity to others, and especially in my ability to ~accept~ instruction. (Memories of kindergarten coming back- does not play well with others, can't keep hands to herself, won't follow instructions, etc.) I also don't respond appropriately to supervision. Yep, yep, explains a LOT. But not really...
What that assessment doesn't show is that the stuff I don't tolerate well is something like one boss not being able to construct a sentence well enough in a log book to notice she's leaving out all the verbs and no one can understand what she's talking about, or another boss sending bottles of alcohol home with me as some kind of weird reward for some of my ideas inspiring new system-wide policy, or being pissed that another boss got a hefty bonus for Christmas after *I* discovered a $7 million mistake in the inventory. See, I see myself as actually getting things RIGHT, and I don't tolerate CRAP. Being honest about all that enough to express my irritability with a flawed system is anomalous behavior, though, it's not ~normal~. So I have a long history of moving from job to job to job because I couldn't tolerate the work atmosphere, but that shows up in my assessment as me being the one who has the psychological problem. Never been fired, but bosses are generally glad to see me go, no matter how much they've said I was the best whatever they ever had, because eventually I call them on inconsistencies that would cost them their jobs.
Also, besides being "narcissistic" (my aspie way of coping against the world, I guess, beats being clinically depressed), psyche guy expressed concern in the assessment that I am the sort who is easily taken advantage of. Took me 40 years to figure that out on my own, he can see it in just a few minutes.
Which kind of leads into one more thought on this last woman I'm getting away from online. After that big public retort, she has now sent out bulk emails with the contents of her latest blog post (the only way she can poke people into responding, perhaps), which is basically that she's not feeling well and has a picture of a cat laying on its back looking wiped out, yet still cute. See, I don't know how to respond to this stuff. First of all, her going out of her way to get attention like that kind of makes everyone else the bad guy if they don't hope she feels better, or at least say 'cute kitty'. But when I directly ask how she's doing, which I've tried to do a number of times through the years, I get no direct response. When I don't post for a long time, she'll email me and ask ~me~ how I'm doing, and I respond and apologize for not logging in and saying hi.
I sit in a logic loop with that kind of stuff and just puzzle over it, and it takes me forever to realize it's just a bunch of crap and attention-getting. Every 'friend' I've ever had online has done this, gone WAAAAY out of their way to get my attention and poke me for responses, but leave me hanging high and dry when it's time to reciprocate. I would *like* to have a friend. I have tried to have friends. For years I couldn't figure out what the problem was, then I figured out it was me with my Asperger's, and now I'm deciding it's really THEM with all their 'normal' baggage. I don't play the head games right, so I'm not a good friend. I still don't get it, but the psyche assessment is helping. Seeing all my stuff spelled out in one place makes it much easier.
2010-
My mom had died the year before, the disability mess had been replaced by an insurance mess, my doctor had bailed and abandoned her practice for hospital work on very little notice, and I was on daily steroid just to breathe. It was a very tired year, so I didn't write much sometimes, plus I was trying very hard to turn my attitude around.
Made a double batch of cornbread yesterday and got it all crumbed up and drying out overnight. Got my bowls of frozen stock and chicken livers out of the freezer this morning. Shooting for getting the stuffing made and in the freezer this afternoon.
Thunder rumbling around, little dark this morning. It really did dry out like I hoped for, lawn not only got crunchy but got so thin you can see the dust and dirt all over. A few trees are drying out. But along with that, all that intense amount of bugs just faded right out. Still have ants, but nearly everything else is also thinned way out. I was really tired of wasps at every door and mosquitos following me around. It was an excellent bat year, I hadn't seen so many bats around here in years. Even the spiders are slowing down, was killing one in the house every single day all summer (most ever since we moved here), now we're down to 2 or 3 a week.
Despite the lack of stuff to pick on when I let them out, chickens seem to be doing really well. Spencer is working on new feathers, finally lost her whole tail.
2011-
What a difference a year makes! I was off the daily steroid, changed my diet, lost 50 pounds, and had started physical therapy. Still wasn't quite ready to come out and play in public.
Toey wants you to know that if you have to go back months after ingrown toenail surgery to have more surgery digging way deeper to clean out old crusty callous past your nail bed that won't stop oozing more callous gunk that hardens like cement and you can feel the whole thing even with 3 numby shots, it's all right-- you *don't die*.
And then when you have to wait 20 extra minutes at the pharmacy for your antibiotic that was called in ahead of time because of a stupid insurance mixup (my life is cursed) and your toe starts throbbing as the numby stuff wears off, it's all right-- you *don't die*.
And then when you're driving home and get stuck behind a gravel truck and a school bus and have to put on the brake going downhill (yes, right-side Toey) and it's all you can do to keep your foot pushing on the pedal because your whole foot is starting to throb, it's all right-- you *don't die*.
And when you're still about 3 miles out your poor Toey feels like it's about to give birth to a baby hippo and you're screaming because no one will frickin' drive 90, it's all right-- you *don't die*.
And then you arrive home an hour after you leave the doctor and the numb stuff (for what it was worth) is all gone and you have to walk up the steps into the house and take your shoe off and hobble around getting an ice pack and a drink for your new pills and stuff, it's all right-- you *don't die*.
Toey and I agree this must be about what it feels like to get shot in the toe with a nail gun.
I am so proud of the fact that I haven't had so much as a tylenol since I stopped my years long friendship with vicodin that I'm being a real jerk and experimenting with Toey, saying I'm not going to take anything until I get dizzy with the pain and nearly faint. Toey swears she's gonna go stub on something to pay me back. At which point I'm pretty sure I will go ahead and black out.
2012-
Back out public and posting surveys like 50 Summer is Ending Survey and Real Things You Might Not Know About Me, which was a huge step considering I'd been in fandoms for years and barely anyone knew me at all because I'd been so reclusive about myself. Honestly, I think that's why Pinky blog is doing so well, although I never expected it. Having a real face show up after more than a decade of lurking and rippling through fandoms has become a big deal nowadays, especially in the more culty underground groups. I know fans who will never cross the streams between fandom and real life, and others who do it freely now. I published a pancake recipe for blueberry buttermilk applejacks (might hafta turn that sideways on mobile, they had a server migration and some of the awesome site coding got mangled). I had also accidentally stumbled into a traffic surge when I mentioned Lexx, and several days later started with a new Lexx Index, this time with a real photo of me on the blog as it gradually morphed back into a fan page. I wrote very little in private around that time.
Well, isn't this fun. Lost my header, background is eating up the text no matter how I soften it depending on the text color, links generally seem to work HUZZAH, etc. Really not crazy about this text editor. I have so much more freedom on AOL email. That's a joke. But sadly, true.
The rest of that is bumbly stuff, because from there it kept going downhill for awhile. Salvaging several blogs at high personal expense was about as stressful as anything else I'd ever been through, and since I've been through some hellaciously stressful stuff, that's saying something. I had just come back out public from a long haitus, and *boom*, there it all went again. Thankfully, Myke caught me in a safety net, and around the beginning of September that year I was blurbing about bacon and being in a podcast and the new blue convo lines on twitter, plus I veered into side posts about Superhero Undies and Bacon Coffee in desperate attempts to stay distracted from the sheer volume of depression watching my entire fleet go down. I also attempted to pull myself together on wordpress that week with So, Lexx..., trying to make up my mind if it was worth the salvage again.
This was one of my last private posts that year before I went all public.
Well, this sux. My archives are all saved, but my manually built theme html doesn't appear to have any support here at Xanga 2.0. I'm at a loss how to build a header into this. I'll dink around here for a few months but if I don't get this figured out, I'll be moving my stuff to something I can handle playing with better. I may have to go over to Wil Wheaton's word press and rip off his source code and figure out what the crap he did.
LIKE BLOGGER.
I mean, for now I'm not sure I can even change my font style within this draft page. And the whole password protected thing, honestly, they couldn't migrate their protected lists? My special lists are gone. ALL my stuff immediately went full view public, so I had to go into pinkfeldspar and yablovh here and find advanced settings and set the whole blogs to follow lock and TURN OFF the approve automatic followers. I don't want just the sign in block because anybody with a xanga could still see it then. There is no telling who might have seen my stuff if they were truly stalking this move. Anyway, I'm guessing that all my previous posts here are NOT password protected... They are all public except I have this set to follower lock, and you are my only follower.
I got into sploit and turned off your automatic approval for new followers, but I left it on sign in lock. It's up to you if you want follower lock. I don't know who follows you.
Funky week. Got my Microsoft Office purchased, XLibris contracted a premium package with me at 50% off, and I'm going to hope that maybe it's a good thing this is all sucking right now so I'll bury my head in getting my manuscript ready. Really pissed about my blogs though. But when have I ever not been? haha
Aaaaand I still don't have that book written... Moving on.
2014-
In Sept 2014 I announced on mobile viewing that my Bluejacky surveys would be moving to Surveypalooza, had just previously announced that the Lexx fan blogging would continue at Lexxperience, wrote a blurb on SyfyDesigns about diverting into salvage instead of continuing writing on my book, and through the year kept myself occupied on the side with scifi reviews at SyfyDesigns. I decided the only way to make sense of that entire scattered mess was to come out as a real person living real life on a new Pinky blog, and in 2014 around this time I was buying a new dresser and had a Bunny in my life, as shared on conquering resolutions, so it was like my whole life tipped over all at once. I also spent the year salvaging some of my content over to my new aspienado and ducklordsofthesith blogs.
2015-
On this day last year I wrote SyfyDesigns. I was back on my feet and feeling thankful that I had come through to the other side of all that world crash. I think it's funny that I never remember the 2nd is Myke's birthday, but I always wind up feeling nostalgic and rediscovering it.
I'm otherwise actually kind of tired of 2015. What a long year! I see absolutely no reason to recap any of it, except to say Lexxperience really started rocking and Pinky blog kind of exploded. It was all wonderful and hard and sweet and sad and I was so depressed and ecstatic and my whole world turned into Sherlock, and I've been winding back down from it with minecraft through 2016. I also didn't go back through my spaz blog over the years. I'm really tired of being a chronic super spoonie, and it still consumes so much of my time that I don't care to look back at it right now.
I've always loved this song. You guys can look at Benny if you want, I'm going to get up again and go do stuff. This song goes with the whole Pinky blog love letter. From the very start, everything I've ever done is about getting back to where it all went off track, embracing all my flaws and learning how to get past them for better relationships, and now I'm back on track, and I will never let go of her again.
One of those daunting weekends where a cascade of things going wrong was best handled by becoming a switch thrower, sort of like a controlled burn. One of the funny outcomes is that we had a Bunny for about 14 hours and I totally lost my voice this weekend, a unique combo of energizer motormouth and croaking whispers.
I made the trending tweets list for #AutismAwarenessMonth, yay! I imagine this is an ever-changing sort of list, so no idea how long it'll hold or if another of mine will show up.
Also discovered my G+ page was put through a Chinese filter. I thought Google sites were at least partially blocked in China.
My original Lexx fansite is still viewable in China. Pinky blog is blocked, and so is Lexxperience, so big thumbs up to Xanga, I don't care what anyone says. (And now I see the logic in teaming up with WordPress, because WordPress blogs aren't blocked.)
I can only guess why anyone in China would even care (although I was among the retweeters about China getting in on the Sherlock marketing and merch action), but years ago, I watched a very determined China footprinter in my Xanga tracker methodically go through my entire Lexx fansite over a course of several days (nearly a week, I think) with a very specific sort of trail that hinted maybe someone was taking the time to reproduce my entire Lexx site post by post in Chinese (I was able to see when posts were shared via email link, and based on my own web salvage experiences back then, I could tell the regularity of the time spans between the tracked links might mean someone was literally printing the entire website out, post by post), which was pretty cool since Google was still really new and China was still pretty much sealed off from world webs. I do remember Xanga intro'd into Hong Kong around 2008, and that is probably how they got to my Lexx, but I think I mentioned it back then even before 2008. As far as I am aware, my fansite disappearance later in the western hemisphere as it lay dormant while I was delete-bombing my own content probably didn't harm the Chinese version at all, if it was truly reprocessed into a different server. It's quite possible my entire original site still exists and nothing I threw away was truly lost forever.
btw, plz to note that my original site address is still ranked in the #3 position for mobile listing for xanga. You know, in case u think I'm making a big deal bcuz I say ppl know who I am.
I'm actually super brainless right now. I'd go to bed for severe sleep deprivation over the weekend between being so sick and miserable and then helping with Bunny, but my bedding is still in the dryer. I'm doing my best to pass a respectable amount of time keeping myself occupied in between random chores while I wait on that.
I'm also feeling a little sorry I made taco nachos earlier. It was my first solid meal in over 48 hours because acute pharyngitis, barely being able to swallow a little yogurt and ice cream at all, so I was ecstatic to finally get some real food in, and the more flavor the better, right? Oh, silly me... My body is very keenly aware of every nuance of chili powder and cumin throughout my nervous system now. You don't come out of fasting chills and sweats with a big load of spicy food. It only adds to the overwhelming shock of having been so sick. Engrave that on a plaque and hang it up somewhere.
~later~ +_+ Add chocolate to that.
~suppertime~
Doing it properly now with sauerkraut and hotdogs. No bun. Everything in my body is saying thank you.
"You look sad, when you think he can't see you." Every time the focus is on Sherlock, I wonder what they're really saying about John. "I was so alone, and I owe you so much..." John knows Sherlock sees it all and says it anyway. If only we could see in John's mind palace, what sort of conversations does he have with Sherlock that remain in his head?
Jagged random naps in between insomniac feverish hazes really mess with me. Thank goodness I woke up with this song stuck in my head. I was dreaming about the mineshaft I had found while I was tunneling deep underneath the ocean, and it got kinda weird when Sherlock and John showed up. Germ warfare gets pretty serious with me.
You know that library show in Doctor Who where you first meet River Song and learn about CAL and the Vashta Nerada? It's a library as big as a planet and contains all the collected knowledge in the universe for its time, which at that time is the 51st century.
I was one of those kids in school that read just about every single library book the schools had available. Prolific doesn't begin to describe how much material I've read in my life. When I saw The Library (that's the wiki page), I knew if that really existed and I could ever go there, I'd never leave. I would either lose myself in that library or become one of the people working there. I'm sure it would have reading rooms full of poof chairs and recliners and coffee shops every few sections.
My own local library is also called, simply, The Library. (They sell their own coffee, guys. And that site doesn't link you to the awesome coffee shop they have.) I've paid an annual out of county fee for years just to be able to check things out. (It's been holding at $65 last few years.) I've been able to get books shipped in to me that are so rare that one of them had only two copies existing in libraries nationwide. I've also been able to get my library to invest in a few books that don't show up on Amazon or in bookstores because they are alt-published and directly marketed from author sites, which means (when I'm successful in my proposals) I save upwards of $60+ every time I can talk my library into owning it for the public, as opposed to me owning it only for myself and reading it only once or twice.
Things are changing, though. Over the years, books that don't see a lot of action get purged out through fundraiser sales, which is sad because some of the coolest books I've ever read have been lost to rummage sales and recycling. A few old books are making comebacks online as retro keepsakes and collectibles, but so many are just gone now, out of print, and extremely difficult to find, especially in libaries. Imagine that.
Way off the subject, I accidentally just discovered that GrandFortuna's League of 20,000 Planets | Lexx holds third rank for 'xanga mobile' keyword, according to website-box.net, and I only found that because I was actually looking for 'bluejacky xanga bio' and I got there from this on the front page of the google search.
But it's actually not completely off the subject because, before xanga razed all the blogs over to new servers, we had bio pages, and I had listed off fave books, fave movies, etc., and either the bios never made the move or they haven't figured out how to hook them up in the wordpress style cage they locked us all into, and apparently I didn't copy and save it anywhere before it went MIA. And then right after I found that, I also discovered that a particular post in my old bluejacky blog is somehow link-jacked to an erotica network site outside the States that rotates the pages that load up so you never get the same page twice. Fine, whatever does it for you. Send traffic back, thanks.
But back to where I was going with this library thing. It hit me this week that I'll never read all the books. I used to go to bookstores and browse titles in the science section just to see who had published what new stuff, but now it's going so fast on the webs that I hafta catch summary blurbs on the fly and still can't keep up with all the new science, even in cosmology. The last few years have been pretty mind blowing, and the only way I can keep up reading all that now is to walk away from all my projects. The only way I keep up with TV any more is through wikis and recaps.
I'm having weird feelings about the idea that I'll never go back to reading all the things I wanted to keep up with. Researchers nowadays have turned into recappers, basically high speed glancers who summarize and translate techie talk to TV show viewers who don't care whether 120 year old real science is still being obliterated and yet craving new stories at any cost. All that old, dusty knowledge and all the new empty heads bobbing around the planet going along their busy days- even if new knowledge is scifi come true, it's like we're all becoming disenchanted with the overwhelming onslaught of new entertainment and the marketing frenzy around related collectible merch. I keep seeing people turning back to the nostalgia of old shows and crappy science because it was magical back then. Scifi is losing its magic. It's become mundane.
I've been standing at an apex where I know I have to choose. I once said I can't be both a leader and a follower.
You’re either a leader or a suck up, I can’t be both.
And I can't help noticing when an international recapping service follows my lead on something. I'm here to inspire, guys. Some people can see where I'm going with a world fandom and that I'll be dragging everyone I can in my wake. The more of us who figure out how to fly in formation, the bigger our fleet will be. These aren't just TV shows to me. They're IDEAS. I can't sit around talking about ideas without applying them and using them and making them real. If the stories inspire us, that means we get off our butts and GET TO WORK! FOCUS!!!
By the way, if y'all aren't hanging out with international fans and actually using translation services, you need to be. Your readership with your fanbases are important. Those are real people out there. Well, at least I know mine are because I'm all over controlling the pingbacks and spambots and stuff.
There was a time when building a library of information and knowledge was up to other people, usually people who get paid. Now it's all of us. We are the ones building wikis and fansites and entertainment information libraries and film studies because we love it. Most of my friends who endeavor to build on the internet are all doing it out of pocket. We are all adding to a world library.
My job is to add as much as I can while I can to the Lexx Memory Catacombs.
Someone on a FB Xanga group was whining again, so I kerplunked my page rating down in an 'ok, let's all quit whining now' kind of way. Really getting sick of whiners. If you're still whining about a blog move two years later in a fully supported group, your blog host must not be all that bad, sheesh.
Anyway, saved it for posterity. The worth has come down a smidge (about $3000) but I haven't been posting anything, either. By the way, yes, I was actually asked if I'd consider ad placement. I've gotten lots of spam in my life, but this was legitimate email from a real guy. If I got picked up during scouting for ad placement, my site is a power player. If I were *cough*smart*cough I'd probably jump on stuff like this, but I'm an arrogant loser who has other plans.
From trash in space. "In every game there must be a winner and a loser. In this game, you will be the loser."
Ok, back to now again. On to the important stuff. My first pair of bigfoot sox. I needed something special after the big nerve assessment (my arms ached pretty good the rest of the day +_+).
And I bought this hideous outfit full price and not even on sale (@bonenado's gonna croak) because it was hideously AWESOME. I'll probably never wear the whole outfit together, just the blouse with jeans and the pants with a solid top. Those pants would be awesome if I ever wind up in hospital for anything, super comfy and still actual dressy pants, not sweats. By the way, I discovered that I've dropped a pants size. I'm so frugal clothes shopping that I don't notice these things.
I am so jealous of little girls nowadays.
Ha, @bonenado is so busy being all excited over whether he's going fishing or bow hunting tomorrow that he never even glanced at that outfit.
Tonight is filet mignon, baked tatos, and big fancy salad out of a bag, because that's super easy and feedin up the mighty hunter for a big weekend. Heard Bunny is puny (102 fever) so probably won't see her this weekend. Tonight is the last Continuum, you all know my thoughts on that by now. If you don't see me on the webs tonight, my hands still ache and it's painful to hold my phone, sorry.
Two years ago I went through an unimaginable upheaval interrupting all my plans and goals and challenging me with a financial commitment that I never dreamed I'd have to make. @bonenado and I scraped up several thousand $$ putting together a rescue operation for a plan that has no guarantee of payback, much less actually working. With our lives already flipping upside down over rumors of a company sale coming up on top of two new babies and all the extra complications that entailed, and that on top of my ongoing recovery plan, we somehow pulled rabbits out of hats and found ways to not only keep the original plan from epic fail, but extend it with further commitment to a fandom, of all things.
While we made our own commitments, Myke was making his, and he freely opened SyfyDesigns.com to me as a campsite, an anchor, a network of other people who helped keep me emotionally stabilized while I made my way through one of the most complicated messes I've been through since bankruptcy and my disability case, and that was way less stressful than the Xanga server move disrupting my plans and years of hard work.
The SGA Rising twitter gang meeting in chat for watch parties was the start of my extension to other very real people in the Stargate Atlantis fandom trying to get together beyond twitter, and after considerable effort I readapted back to both chat and forum after years of fandom absence, and from there leaped back to the Lexx fandom and financially committed to the LittleLexx.net forum.
Without Myke in my life during the Xanga crisis, without his merry band of SGA miscreants, without their continual public and private support and the eventual pull into the #SnarkAlecs, I may never have hung on through the stress. Because Myke was there for me, because his friends were there for me, because more of their friends were there for me, I am still here.
Along the way, my plans grew tenfold. My goals have become super goals. The continual support helped me grow and flex new muscles, gave me confidence when the ground fell out from under me, made me feel like part of a team and, even more, part of the world I'd reclused away from for so long. Along the way #aspienado became a thing, then #Lexxperience and Lexxperience.com, things I never originally planned on but which helped merge my networks into a whole new blog empire goal set with an all new Pinky blog commandeering my rescued blog fleet, and then twitter hashtag days filled my sails with the wind I needed. Now everything I'm doing goes far beyond my original plans, something I've dreamed of but never expected when I first started back up.
I owe Myke so much for my first real bridge back out of myself into the general internet public, into helping me create a new way of interacting that would ultimately keep me on a positive and emotionally healthy track toward my goals. We had no idea at the time, of course. Everything was touch and go on the fly. It was me hanging on by my fingernails, and exactly what I needed when I needed something the most.
SyfyDesigns.com has grown along the way, too. It now regularly hosts Late Night Movie on Friday and Saturday nights, with twitter links being sent out to a list of regulars, and weekends have become a marvelous chat party with friends popping in and out and having a ball. A few other content contributors have come on board, as well, so I no longer feel like I'm running up and down empty hallways sliding in my sox, lol.
I feel like I have been blessed with friends multiplying exponentially in all directions, and I'm finally in a place in my life and my head where I can truly appreciate that. Whereas several years ago I could barely handle interacting with one fandom at a time, I now network in a new way with multiple fandoms, and talk to fans and professionals in several entertainment fields. I intend for SyfyDesigns.com to remain my main homebase come what may, my Atlantis, as it were. I think Myke has bigger plans as well, and as more time goes by, I hope to see some very exciting stuff happen for both of us.
Please forgive the difficult to read parts. There are several markup styles tangled up in here and I finally got tired of code fixing. On this day over the years. Most of these are from private blogs. I usually don't share the lengthy personal stuff, but this first bit I will because no one EVER knew what was really going on with me during and after the whole Lexxplosion, and why I eventually disappeared. When I wrote this out I had been unable to walk, shower, or dress myself for several weeks after an L5S1 internal disc disruption (herniated disc) the month before, and was becoming desperate to find a way to avoid spinal surgery.
July 30, 2007
Oh, gosh, last night was a tough little cookie, so I just sat up and read more Harry Potter for hours, finally fell asleep around 5ish and woke back up around 9ish.
So today I'm getting all, what I'm starting to call in my head, 'liquored up', layering up the drugs in half hour increments (I write all the times down like a good little science student to make sure I don't OD), slowly descending back into a thick hazy cushion of semi numbness, and decided I just can't take it any more-- I'm cleaning those bathrooms, by God.
At 3 this afternoon I'll have a conference call with my sister and hospice about Mom. I feel really bad for her that she's got to bear the brunt of all this, having a full time job, toddlers, AND in treatment for severe depression. She and I are durable powers of attorney for both our parents, so at least one of us has to sit through all this paperwork and sign everything. My brother can't decide if he wants to be in on the meeting or not. He was the only boy and very attached to Mom, and now he's struggling with the need to relocate his family to a better job in another state, which in his mind means 'abandoning' Mom and Dad. (Dad has a trailer on his land.) I feel bad for my brother, too, because I watched my mom go through this very same thing. She cared for her mother through 3 years of cancer and treatments, then we moved to another state, and then her mom died and she wasn't there for it. It was incredibly devastating to her emotionally to feel like she'd abandoned her mother like that, and it took her many years to come to terms with it. Actually, I don't know that she ever forgave herself. So I'm watching my younger sibs go through these feelings now, and I really don't know what to do for them except be there on the phone for support as much as possible, because I certainly can't drive out and be there in person. And my other sister is the one who lost a child to CF and went through all those years of hospital visits with her, she can barely bring herself to walk into the nursing home at all. She absolutely refused to sign in with us on being DPoA's. Can't say I blame her one bit. I know this sounds harsh, but I will be thankful and relieved when Mom's body is finally able to let go of her spirit so she can move on. These last 3 years have been pretty hard, and I can't help but keep thinking she would have so much rather not had for any of her own kids to go through this. She was always the 'fixer' for other people, always the one who did the visiting and cheering up for other families, and it would have killed her to be aware of herself like this. I've had plenty of time to think about what it must be like for older people to watch themselves deteriorate and become so helpless, and what a nightmare it must be for some of them. We're so lucky Mom isn't in pain and anguish, like so many of her room mates who have come and gone.
This evening Scott meets me after work at the chiropractor's place to go over the x-rays, care plan, and payment options. And then after that it's back to Walgreens to pick up 3 refills. I have no idea how in the world we'd be handling this if we hadn't switched our insurance. We've already gone through bankruptcy over my illness over the years, have no credit to speak of because of that, even though he makes great money, and are living hand to mouth check by check between Twinkles being so ill last winter (total is up to $70,000 now on those bills, of which we owe at least $5000 and STILL keep getting surprises in the mail) and all the work we've had to do on car after car after car. My tiny little copays alone from all my doctors and chiropractor and stuff will be averaging $300-$400 a month until I'm better, and that doesn't count the ER visits and all those tests, and even though my prescriptions will be ridiculously 'cheap' with this insurance, every bottle adds up. I've got 7 bottles that have to be replaced monthly at the moment. I'm hoping to cut those down by at least 2 if not 3 by next month.
Scott has been MARVELOUS through all this. I've never seen him handle so much so well. We've had our rocky years, and he's kind of ADD obsessive about the money even when we're in great shape and nothing bad is going on, but he has really mellowed. I am so thankful for him. He hasn't complained once about me getting sick again, and he's been very tender and attentive compared to years past. I try my best not to be crabby with him from the pain and drugs, to keep laughing and enjoying all the little distractions that we can together. When he's around I drop what I'm doing and pay attention to him, make him whatever food he wants, keep his clothes washed up, and tease him about being sexy. There isn't much else I can do but say thank you to him constantly for taking care of me. I hear horror stories about people leaving their ill spouses in the lurch, and I am so very, very lucky to have Scott looking out for me.
I need to stop this before I break out into some kind of drug-induced poetry. Gonna be a long day. While I'm at it, though, sploit-- you're the bomb, too. I'm sorry you have to watch me be sick. I'm glad you are so level-headed and funny and sweet. Thank you.
A year later I was functioning on my own around the house, but very slowly as I recovered from a months-longCMV infectionthat nuked my immune system the winter before, but finally able to drive myself a few miles to handle little errands. In this next one we had no idea we still had another year to go with Mom.
July 30, 2008
Talked to Dad on the phone last night, and he finally broke down and told me he thinks Mom has a death wish, that she never wanted to be like this, and that she has the right to refuse medication. He broke into tears the last two times I've talked to him. I've decided he's right. Us girls came to the same conclusion about her death wish a couple of years ago, because Mom had refused to treat her diabetes for years, refused medical intervention when the strokes started, and has been refusing her pills in the nursing home. She used to talk about being the age her mother was when she died, and we know she had severe depression and felt she was in an oppressive marriage because Dad is always 'right'. He's not mean, but he really does wear people down. We think she thought it would be a piece of cake, have a stroke and wake up in heaven. Well, it hasn't turned out that way. And now she's being forced to live in misery. So I agree with Dad. Let's speak for Mom and say it's time to let go of this.
(skipping stuff)
Left my debit card at Walgreens and had to back track.
Found out my PO box had been shut down. Gee, guess I got a little too laid back this summer. So I had to jump through the hoops reopening it, was lucky to get my old number back because I had to reapply from scratch. I didn't realize it had been 6 weeks since I checked my mail. *BAD* me!
Had to run in for milk.
I am so tired...
I would love to lay down but my nervous system feels like it's in shock. I feel like I need to pull my nerve bundles out and rub them directly with warm lotion or something. Poor things.
A year later- there is nothing on July 30 for 2009, but this from a couple of days later. Scott had moved everything out of the livingroom to paint and I was using a tiny notebook in a lawn chair while he worked. Leaving out a ton of other personal stress. Mom was still hanging in there, but my own mom wasn't the problem... Anyway, always good to know something is doing really well.
August 1, 2009
Private: in a kitchen, stiffly
Today has been quite the flurry. Made it up to the echo, was impressed with all the new technology they just upgraded. Clearest ultrasounds I've EVER seen. I really couldn't see any problems myself, valves all looked good, flow and chambers. I have no idea how to read those, but this isn't my first time.
~later~
Scott's back, getting ready to paint more. Took the sunblades off the patio door, taping up more stuff. I'm on the end of the livingroom that's done. Rewatching Comic-Con since everyone talked through it last week, people walking in and out of the house.
So, thank goodness, things finally started getting a little more boring the next year.
July 30, 2010
Private: ah, sweet August, fly by very fast
No more beef broccoli with a mix. I'll go find an authentic recipe in a real Chinese cookbook next time.
Twink went to work the day after urgent care. Any other person on the planet would have just croaked off at home...
I remember days and weeks like that. Worked myself sick and still kept grinding along like the Energizer bunny.
Been awhile since I got a chick pic.
'L' is for lemon pie. (edit: 2010 was the last year I ate lemon pie)
This next year wound up being our last anniversary dinner in a restaurant as the food allergies started exploding.
July 30, 2011
Private: going forward
And Scott wants to go to Landry's in Branson for our anniversary dinner next Friday, big fish and seafood restaurant with real linen tablecloths, although still campy-ish because it's in Branson. I told him maybe we can stop by a little ice cream place after that.
(skip a really interesting bit that wraps up a marriage next door to in-laws)
I'm turning 50. I'm done. Neither gram nor Twink would tolerate a life like mine for a month, much less 18 years. I'm beginning to feel such a joy coming on, it's finally over. Twink is married, I'm old enough now to be who I want around Scott's mom, *I* am FREE. (:edit: Joke's on me, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.)
And after the big birthday party, I start a new life. (I told Scott after his parents croak, I'm going to write whatever I want to and make some money on it.)
I fully expect every cosmic rock to be thrown at me during this transition. Since when have I not been targeted and attacked by the morons all around me at the most inconvenient times of my own happiness? May keep track of the rocks for my amusement. Could get real interesting.
What the heck, let's do this one more time. And if you haven't watched Charlie Sheen's Winning Recipes yet, it's worth your time. This is the kind of attitude that'll get me through my 50's.
A second post that year, preparing to go completely underground.
Private: ramping off the public freeway
Finally got bluejacky reduced to survey only in public, and it's going to stay that way and probably go dormant again, unless I have a bad week and need to work on a survey. I've had enough of --- bugging the crap outa me to the point of ---. Got to thinking back, been 6 years with --- bugging me now. Someone else still tracks through every single day and has been doing that since I made that xanga, but none of my trackers will give me any info other than the time of day and the state name. Since my AOL shows me as a proxy from Florida on one of my trackers, I know that state name means nothing, just that someone has paid for a service that keeps their privacy, like I have. I could name 5 people it could be without having to guess or make a stretch of it, and if it really is one of those people, I've attracted a worse lurker than --- if they feel compelled to check it every day since 2008. At least --- pops up and lets me know when it's her, or (polite delete) leaves trails that tag her. So either way, I'm done. I guess this is part of the turning 50 thing, I'm just done with the public entirely. I'm going to watch my trackers till my birthday, and after that, the rest may go straight into protected posting forever, too, just to be ornery and bug the crap out of my two most persistent stalkers. I'm really coming to loathe public internet.
I will continue to twitter sparsely and very rarely to annoy whoever is doggedly determined to keep after me, but I have no way of tracking them and therefore won't be bothered by it.
Note- back in the days I had 1- a person show up on my doorstep, 2- received a very public threat of harm, 3- had someone else cease and desisted, and 4- other people constantly contacting me privately posing as friends during my lowest points and using our convos to stab me in the back to other people. When I wrote that in 2011, I didn't have a friend in the entire world I felt I could trust. In 2012, I started deleting huge chunks of my internet history after a person I contacted about transferring some of the content let me know life was too depressing at the momtent to handle thinking about it, and I said bloody hell and just started pressing C4 buttons. No one knew ANY of what I'd been handling the entire time.
I realize now that was my fault. I still can't apologize enough, but I'm realizing it's important to some people that I share why things happened.
By this next update in 2012, I was back, rebuilding, and my private blogging was slowly coming to an end.
July 30, 2012
Private: roasted chickens
When a weather site says we'll be 102 today, I'm expecting 108. Gonna try to get out to chickens by 7 and stay in the house after that. It's already 84 degrees at 5:30 a.m. Last night stayed over a hundred till nearly 9.
I finally slept pretty decent, got nearly 7 hours. Almost feel wobbly trying to get around this morning. Partly from congestion, I imagine.
Getting chicken fingers out to feed kids tonight. Have a small stash of chocolate milk and part of a cheesecake. I'm sure I'll need to get more going than that because Scott will need supper and then lunch tomorrow. Thinking about making a quiche instead of boiling eggs this week, and a batch of green beans and potatoes for supper, because I doubt the kids will want any brussel sprouts, ha. Can always throw some spaghetti in a pot, too.
Don't seem to have my usual dread when I'm expecting company. Actually kinda meh about it, maybe a little excited but too worn out from summer allergies and heat to get even slighty bouncy. I've noticed my nerves have gone way down since I got off birth control, and the stuff that used to trigger me into freakiness now only slightly ruffles my feathers.
Benadryl hitting, might be nice to go back to sleep for an hour.
And then my whole life flipped upside down. Xanga was about to blow up, and this post hot on the heels of a preemie baby showing up right on top of me still in surgery recovery. I braced myself for a spaceship-sized life crash in full HD and somehow scraped up nearly $1000 and didn't slide back down into letting go of it all.
July 29, 2013
Private: last post till the migration is over
I guess this is my last post till after the Xanga move, which should be in a couple of days. Don't know how long our blogs will be down during the migration or whether there is any kind of guarantee our stuff will survive even now, but I'm not going to worry about it. I've done all I can do.
Twink's first checkup is today. Thankfully I got a couple of little power naps last evening and then slept about 4 hours last night, so I'm going to be ok today. Twink has barely slept all night, on the other hand, very vigilant, can't let herself let go. Every tiniest little noise the baby makes wakes her up. I remember being like that the first week, too. I think she's starting to realize she'll need to rotate hours with us. For a couple of days there it was 3 adults in severe sleep deprivation over one baby, don't know what she was thinking, all of us being 24/7 vigilant. Scott just dragged out to work, I think he's as messed up as anyone being out of routine, camping upstairs, hasn't gotten to play on his computer. I at least got to get on long enough to copy and paste my archive lists to save original post dates and view counts on GrandFortuna and Bluejacky, but that's about it. Told Scott this morning Ella will be helping me write my book.
This next is public, so you can click to go. No sense copy-pasting now.
That's today! And I can't seem to break out of the webkit code off this purple, so I guess I'll just keep doing it like this.
If anything at all happens (like things seem to continually happen in my life), I just wanted this out there in case the book doesn't make it. We had another really hairy near miss the other day, and I reflected on how some of my fave authors left unfinished work. I'm not quitting or taking time off, I'm just stopping to share.
This blogging stuff is NOT going into the book. I'm not pasting over miles of thinking for anyone to dredge through. Every jot and tittle like this is ridiculously unnecessary. This post is for a very particular subset of people for a very particular reason that they understand because we have a history, so the public at large isn't going to get more explanation than this.
Much of my public blogging has been cryptic. The right people know what I'm doing. The rest of you will know soon enough if I'm not plowed on a highway before I can finish. I'm not being facetious. We get some pretty nasty wrecks around here, and like I said, just missed being in another one.
I know one of yesterday's posts might have seemed like a call to a duel- it was not. It was my way of expressing how much I not only enjoyed a sparring partner who could delightfully challenge me to be better, but fondly cherish the memories because I grew so much as a person during that, even if I didn't realize it at the time. I'm very much looking forward to a more respectful collaboration at a distance. I do hold my 'Moriarty' in high esteem, and I do understand now the reason it all happened is because I'm drawn to that level of 'interesting'.
I also cherish the crazy 'menage a trois gone awry', if I may use a title from an old chicken video that I've previously talked about. I'm truly sorry I lost a friend over it. It still hurts. I suspect it will always hurt. I chose a fandom over a friend, and then I threw my fandom stuff into the trash, and I'm a despicable mess. Still, I'm your mess. I belong to the fandom. I know that now.
And some of you have seen why I use Sherlock to understand. I had no other way to break through the pain I never shared. This is my bridge.
The funny thing about Asperger's is the inability to self-evaluate in terms of normal standards, so a lot of this was a real surprise to me, and still cracks me up every time I think about it. I am "markedly limited" in my ability to perform within a scheduled time period and retain customary tolerances. I am "moderately limited" in my ability to understand detailed instructions and carry them out, sustain an ordinary routine without supervision, or work in proximity to others, and especially in my ability to ~accept~ instruction. (Memories of kindergarten coming back- does not play well with others, can't keep hands to herself, won't follow instructions, etc.) I also don't respond appropriately to supervision. Yep, yep, explains a LOT. But not really...
Gonna be a long day.
No more beef broccoli with a mix. I'll go find an authentic recipe in a real Chinese cookbook next time.
