-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
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-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Thursday, July 30, 2015

on this day- Memory Catacombs, and surviving another Burst of Life

Please forgive the difficult to read parts. There are several markup styles tangled up in here and I finally got tired of code fixing.

On this day over the years. Most of these are from private blogs. I usually don't share the lengthy personal stuff, but this first bit I will because no one EVER knew what was really going on with me during and after the whole Lexxplosion, and why I eventually disappeared.

When I wrote this out I had been unable to walk, shower, or dress myself for several weeks after an L5S1 internal disc disruption (herniated disc) the month before, and was becoming desperate to find a way to avoid spinal surgery.

July 30, 2007

Oh, gosh, last night was a tough little cookie, so I just sat up and read more Harry Potter for hours, finally fell asleep around 5ish and woke back up around 9ish.

So today I'm getting all, what I'm starting to call in my head, 'liquored up', layering up the drugs in half hour increments (I write all the times down like a good little science student to make sure I don't OD), slowly descending back into a thick hazy cushion of semi numbness, and decided I just can't take it any more-- I'm cleaning those bathrooms, by God.   

At 3 this afternoon I'll have a conference call with my sister and hospice about Mom.  I feel really bad for her that she's got to bear the brunt of all this, having a full time job, toddlers, AND in treatment for severe depression.  She and I are durable powers of attorney for both our parents, so at least one of us has to sit through all this paperwork and sign everything.  My brother can't decide if he wants to be in on the meeting or not.  He was the only boy and very attached to Mom, and now he's struggling with the need to relocate his family to a better job in another state, which in his mind means 'abandoning' Mom and Dad.  (Dad has a trailer on his land.)  I feel bad for my brother, too, because I watched my mom go through this very same thing.  She cared for her mother through 3 years of cancer and treatments, then we moved to another state, and then her mom died and she wasn't there for it.  It was incredibly devastating to her emotionally to feel like she'd abandoned her mother like that, and it took her many years to come to terms with it.  Actually, I don't know that she ever forgave herself.  So I'm watching my younger sibs go through these feelings now, and I really don't know what to do for them except be there on the phone for support as much as possible, because I certainly can't drive out and be there in person.  And my other sister is the one who lost a child to CF and went through all those years of hospital visits with her, she can barely bring herself to walk into the nursing home at all.  She absolutely refused to sign in with us on being DPoA's.  Can't say I blame her one bit.  I know this sounds harsh, but I will be thankful and relieved when Mom's body is finally able to let go of her spirit so she can move on.  These last 3 years have been pretty hard, and I can't help but keep thinking she would have so much rather not had for any of her own kids to go through this.  She was always the 'fixer' for other people, always the one who did the visiting and cheering up for other families, and it would have killed her to be aware of herself like this.  I've had plenty of time to think about what it must be like for older people to watch themselves deteriorate and become so helpless, and what a nightmare it must be for some of them.  We're so lucky Mom isn't in pain and anguish, like so many of her room mates who have come and gone.

This evening Scott meets me after work at the chiropractor's place to go over the x-rays, care plan, and payment options.  And then after that it's back to Walgreens to pick up 3 refills.  I have no idea how in the world we'd be handling this if we hadn't switched our insurance.  We've already gone through bankruptcy over my illness over the years, have no credit to speak of because of that, even though he makes great money, and are living hand to mouth check by check between Twinkles being so ill last winter (total is up to $70,000 now on those bills, of which we owe at least $5000 and STILL keep getting surprises in the mail) and all the work we've had to do on car after car after car.  My tiny little copays alone from all my doctors and chiropractor and stuff will be averaging $300-$400 a month until I'm better, and that doesn't count the ER visits and all those tests, and even though my prescriptions will be ridiculously 'cheap' with this insurance, every bottle adds up.  I've got 7 bottles that have to be replaced monthly at the moment.  I'm hoping to cut those down by at least 2 if not 3 by next month.

Scott has been MARVELOUS through all this.  I've never seen him handle so much so well.  We've had our rocky years, and he's kind of ADD obsessive about the money even when we're in great shape and nothing bad is going on, but he has really mellowed.  I am so thankful for him.  He hasn't complained once about me getting sick again, and he's been very tender and attentive compared to years past.  I try my best not to be crabby with him from the pain and drugs, to keep laughing and enjoying all the little distractions that we can together.  When he's around I drop what I'm doing and pay attention to him, make him whatever food he wants, keep his clothes washed up, and tease him about being sexy.  There isn't much else I can do but say thank you to him constantly for taking care of me.  I hear horror stories about people leaving their ill spouses in the lurch, and I am so very, very lucky to have Scott looking out for me.

I need to stop this before I break out into some kind of drug-induced poetry.    Gonna be a long day.  While I'm at it, though, sploit-- you're the bomb, too.    I'm sorry you have to watch me be sick.  I'm glad you are so level-headed and funny and sweet.  Thank you.

A year later I was functioning on my own around the house, but very slowly as I recovered from a months-long CMV infection that nuked my immune system the winter before, but finally able to drive myself a few miles to handle little errands. In this next one we had no idea we still had another year to go with Mom.

July 30, 2008

Talked to Dad on the phone last night, and he finally broke down and told me he thinks Mom has a death wish, that she never wanted to be like this, and that she has the right to refuse medication.  He broke into tears the last two times I've talked to him.  I've decided he's right.  Us girls came to the same conclusion about her death wish a couple of years ago, because Mom had refused to treat her diabetes for years, refused medical intervention when the strokes started, and has been refusing her pills in the nursing home.  She used to talk about being the age her mother was when she died, and we know she had severe depression and felt she was in an oppressive marriage because Dad is always 'right'.  He's not mean, but he really does wear people down.  We think she thought it would be a piece of cake, have a stroke and wake up in heaven.  Well, it hasn't turned out that way.  And now she's being forced to live in misery.  So I agree with Dad.  Let's speak for Mom and say it's time to let go of this.

(skipping stuff)

Left my debit card at Walgreens and had to back track.

Found out my PO box had been shut down.  Gee, guess I got a little too laid back this summer.  So I had to jump through the hoops reopening it, was lucky to get my old number back because I had to reapply from scratch.  I didn't realize it had been 6 weeks since I checked my mail.  *BAD* me!

Had to run in for milk.

I am so tired...

I would love to lay down but my nervous system feels like it's in shock.  I feel like I need to pull my nerve bundles out and rub them directly with warm lotion or something.  Poor things.

A year later- there is nothing on July 30 for 2009, but this from a couple of days later. Scott had moved everything out of the livingroom to paint and I was using a tiny notebook in a lawn chair while he worked. Leaving out a ton of other personal stress. Mom was still hanging in there, but my own mom wasn't the problem... Anyway, always good to know something is doing really well.

August 1, 2009

Private: in a kitchen, stiffly

Today has been quite the flurry.  Made it up to the echo, was impressed with all the new technology they just upgraded.  Clearest ultrasounds I've EVER seen.  I really couldn't see any problems myself, valves all looked good, flow and chambers.  I have no idea how to read those, but this isn't my first time.

Scott's back, getting ready to paint more.  Took the sunblades off the patio door, taping up more stuff.  I'm on the end of the livingroom that's done.  Rewatching Comic-Con since everyone talked through it last week, people walking in and out of the house.

So, thank goodness, things finally started getting a little more boring the next year.

July 30, 2010

Private: ah, sweet August, fly by very fast

     No more beef broccoli with a mix.  I'll go find an authentic recipe in a real Chinese cookbook next time.

Twink went to work the day after urgent care.  Any other person on the planet would have just croaked off at home...

I remember days and weeks like that.  Worked myself sick and still kept grinding along like the Energizer bunny.

Been awhile since I got a chick pic.

'L' is for lemon pie.    (edit: 2010 was the last year I ate lemon pie)

This next year wound up being our last anniversary dinner in a restaurant as the food allergies started exploding.

July 30, 2011

Private: going forward

And Scott wants to go to Landry's in Branson for our anniversary dinner next Friday, big fish and seafood restaurant with real linen tablecloths, although still campy-ish because it's in Branson.  I told him maybe we can stop by a little ice cream place after that.

(skip a really interesting bit that wraps up a marriage next door to in-laws)

I'm turning 50.  I'm done.  Neither gram nor Twink would tolerate a life like mine for a month, much less 18 years.  I'm beginning to feel such a joy coming on, it's finally over.  Twink is married, I'm old enough now to be who I want around Scott's mom, *I* am FREE. (:edit: Joke's on me, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.)

And after the big birthday party, I start a new life.   (I told Scott after his parents croak, I'm going to write whatever I want to and make some money on it.)

I fully expect every cosmic rock to be thrown at me during this transition.  Since when have I not been targeted and attacked by the morons all around me at the most inconvenient times of my own happiness?  May keep track of the rocks for my amusement.  Could get real interesting.

What the heck, let's do this one more time.  And if you haven't watched Charlie Sheen's Winning Recipes yet, it's worth your time.  This is the kind of attitude that'll get me through my 50's.

A second post that year, preparing to go completely underground.

Private: ramping off the public freeway

Finally got bluejacky reduced to survey only in public, and it's going to stay that way and probably go dormant again, unless I have a bad week and need to work on a survey.  I've had enough of --- bugging the crap outa me to the point of ---.  Got to thinking back, been 6 years with --- bugging me now.  Someone else still tracks through every single day and has been doing that since I made that xanga, but none of my trackers will give me any info other than the time of day and the state name.  Since my AOL shows me as a proxy from Florida on one of my trackers, I know that state name means nothing, just that someone has paid for a service that keeps their privacy, like I have.  I could name 5 people it could be without having to guess or make a stretch of it, and if it really is one of those people, I've attracted a worse lurker than --- if they feel compelled to check it every day since 2008.  At least --- pops up and lets me know when it's her, or (polite delete) leaves trails that tag her.  So either way, I'm done.  I guess this is part of the turning 50 thing, I'm just done with the public entirely.  I'm going to watch my trackers till my birthday, and after that, the rest may go straight into protected posting forever, too, just to be ornery and bug the crap out of my two most persistent stalkers.  I'm really coming to loathe public internet.

I will continue to twitter sparsely and very rarely to annoy whoever is doggedly determined to keep after me, but I have no way of tracking them and therefore won't be bothered by it.

Note- back in the days I had 1- a person show up on my doorstep, 2- received a very public threat of harm, 3- had someone else cease and desisted, and 4- other people constantly contacting me privately posing as friends during my lowest points and using our convos to stab me in the back to other people. When I wrote that in 2011, I didn't have a friend in the entire world I felt I could trust. In 2012, I started deleting huge chunks of my internet history after a person I contacted about transferring some of the content let me know life was too depressing at the momtent to handle thinking about it, and I said bloody hell and just started pressing C4 buttons. No one knew ANY of what I'd been handling the entire time.

I realize now that was my fault. I still can't apologize enough, but I'm realizing it's important to some people that I share why things happened.

By this next update in 2012, I was back, rebuilding, and my private blogging was slowly coming to an end.

July 30, 2012

Private: roasted chickens

When a weather site says we'll be 102 today, I'm expecting 108. Gonna try to get out to chickens by 7 and stay in the house after that. It's already 84 degrees at 5:30 a.m. Last night stayed over a hundred till nearly 9.

I finally slept pretty decent, got nearly 7 hours. Almost feel wobbly trying to get around this morning. Partly from congestion, I imagine.

Getting chicken fingers out to feed kids tonight. Have a small stash of chocolate milk and part of a cheesecake. I'm sure I'll need to get more going than that because Scott will need supper and then lunch tomorrow. Thinking about making a quiche instead of boiling eggs this week, and a batch of green beans and potatoes for supper, because I doubt the kids will want any brussel sprouts, ha. Can always throw some spaghetti in a pot, too.

Don't seem to have my usual dread when I'm expecting company. Actually kinda meh about it, maybe a little excited but too worn out from summer allergies and heat to get even slighty bouncy. I've noticed my nerves have gone way down since I got off birth control, and the stuff that used to trigger me into freakiness now only slightly ruffles my feathers.

Benadryl hitting, might be nice to go back to sleep for an hour.

And then my whole life flipped upside down. Xanga was about to blow up, and this post hot on the heels of a preemie baby showing up right on top of me still in surgery recovery. I braced myself for a spaceship-sized life crash in full HD and somehow scraped up nearly $1000 and didn't slide back down into letting go of it all.

July 29, 2013

Private: last post till the migration is over

I guess this is my last post till after the Xanga move, which should be in a couple of days. Don't know how long our blogs will be down during the migration or whether there is any kind of guarantee our stuff will survive even now, but I'm not going to worry about it. I've done all I can do.

Twink's first checkup is today. Thankfully I got a couple of little power naps last evening and then slept about 4 hours last night, so I'm going to be ok today. Twink has barely slept all night, on the other hand, very vigilant, can't let herself let go. Every tiniest little noise the baby makes wakes her up. I remember being like that the first week, too. I think she's starting to realize she'll need to rotate hours with us. For a couple of days there it was 3 adults in severe sleep deprivation over one baby, don't know what she was thinking, all of us being 24/7 vigilant. Scott just dragged out to work, I think he's as messed up as anyone being out of routine, camping upstairs, hasn't gotten to play on his computer. I at least got to get on long enough to copy and paste my archive lists to save original post dates and view counts on GrandFortuna and Bluejacky, but that's about it. Told Scott this morning Ella will be helping me write my book.

This next is public, so you can click to go. No sense copy-pasting now.

July 30, 2014

another ordinary wednesday, sort of

July 30, 2015

That's today! And I can't seem to break out of the webkit code off this purple, so I guess I'll just keep doing it like this.

If anything at all happens (like things seem to continually happen in my life), I just wanted this out there in case the book doesn't make it. We had another really hairy near miss the other day, and I reflected on how some of my fave authors left unfinished work. I'm not quitting or taking time off, I'm just stopping to share.

This blogging stuff is NOT going into the book. I'm not pasting over miles of thinking for anyone to dredge through. Every jot and tittle like this is ridiculously unnecessary. This post is for a very particular subset of people for a very particular reason that they understand because we have a history, so the public at large isn't going to get more explanation than this.

Much of my public blogging has been cryptic. The right people know what I'm doing. The rest of you will know soon enough if I'm not plowed on a highway before I can finish. I'm not being facetious. We get some pretty nasty wrecks around here, and like I said, just missed being in another one.

I know one of yesterday's posts might have seemed like a call to a duel- it was not. It was my way of expressing how much I not only enjoyed a sparring partner who could delightfully challenge me to be better, but fondly cherish the memories because I grew so much as a person during that, even if I didn't realize it at the time. I'm very much looking forward to a more respectful collaboration at a distance. I do hold my 'Moriarty' in high esteem, and I do understand now the reason it all happened is because I'm drawn to that level of 'interesting'.

I also cherish the crazy 'menage a trois gone awry', if I may use a title from an old chicken video that I've previously talked about. I'm truly sorry I lost a friend over it. It still hurts. I suspect it will always hurt. I chose a fandom over a friend, and then I threw my fandom stuff into the trash, and I'm a despicable mess. Still, I'm your mess. I belong to the fandom. I know that now.

And some of you have seen why I use Sherlock to understand. I had no other way to break through the pain I never shared. This is my bridge.

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