Header snip originally from giphy, added onto to by other enthusiastic fans, and then I took it through memedad.
-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
 photo README2.gif


Tuesday, October 17, 2017

les miserables

Happy Birthday to me. The U.S. Department of Treasury now holds my student loan. Among a very long list of collection measures are
  • We can refer your debt to the U.S. Attorney for litigation.
  • We can perform computer matches with other Federal agencies to determine if you are a government employee or a recipient of other Federal aid for purposes of offsetting all or a percentage of these funds.
  • We can refer your debt to the Department of the Treasury for offset of Federal and/or State payment due you (including your Federal income tax refund). (Funny story- we're already having to file injured spouse for illegal garnishment of said refund one year without payback, so basically, the feds broke their own laws and didn't recompense.)
As per my Dear Gregory letter, loan forgiveness for complete disability means nothing, years of attempting to comply mean nothing, and the only way 'out' of this daily hammering is to pay all the debt right now (only half of which is actually debt) or set up repayment for the rest of my life that never touches principle. I could pay for 20 years and have less than 10% paid on principle. And now it's back, after being sold off multiple times for profit, in U.S. government hands.

I have been through several presidents on both sides during all this, so it has nothing to do with the president. This is how America does business. This is legal debtors prison, entrapment in a system that doesn't allow honest payback. If they had allowed me to make the payments I tried to make all along (even one dollar short is rejected entirely, so trying to arrange payments on limited income has been a hoot), this would already be paid off. I have not been able to generate income since 2006.

You guys can see if I sell an actual book I'll immediately get swooped on for collections, garnished on all sides, and never build up any level of credit. All income will go to the U.S. government. A domino effect of that will be my disability case being yanked back into review and going into lawsuit for the received moneys so far to be paid back. That's happened to me before (as a single parent on food stamps) because of a paperwork glitch, and once that ball gets rolling, it's just pure suck. The best advice a lawyer could give me was just don't answer the phone.

I'm not alone.
Medicare even with medigap did not pay for my cancer testing. They don't pay for my eye exams and glasses. They don't pay a cent on dental. They are very strict on the kind of medical care I receive and for how long, no matter how limiting my life is. Thankfully, they have been more generous than insurance ever was, but in the end, setting up a monthly payment that exceeds 25% of my very limited 'income' from the government to go back to the government is about the stupidest thing I ever went through in my life, and all the people involved in all the paperwork are taking home better paychecks than I ever did on all my jobs, and have excellent healthcare coverage and other benefits.

You want to know why America has homeless and impoverished disabled? Because it's good business to sell and resell debt. It creates jobs out of thin air. The miserable are one of the shoulders our government rides on. It's all just a big legal game everyone is playing.

But I'm thankful we have real laws against actual debtors prison.

Monday, October 16, 2017

it's all right

the description when you click is sad 😢
When this post elicited this response yesterday, I burst into tears because I knew someone actually heard me.

I've said before that sometimes my worst days are also my best days. This comment happened a few hours later.

There are days where family and friends don't know what to do with me, and I withdraw for all our sakes because my world is so black no one can handle me. Thank goodness for this distraction, which happened in the nick of time. Not sure if you can see it without a facebook account, although it is public.

I rarely reach a point where I'm listing possible names to grab on some kind of call or private messaging, but yesterday I was down to 3 names and ticking a list of what each person could probably handle on short notice without it actually killing a relationship and coming up empty handed. Having social media accounts on the internet was that little ledge I hung onto with one last claw.

Thank goodness time passes, but I wasn't released until I made it through the kind of long and detailed nightmare that spits a person out on Monday morning feeling really crabby. Thankfully, crabby is one of my salvation modes, and then there was coffee. And then I got busy and now I'm mostly ok.

#transparency My world doesn't feel ok. I'm pretty sure it's a virus and my nervous system is doing its best, but in my brain (nerve central) it feels like everything is so sad that I can barely make a plan, and I think I need to leave the house in 30 minutes for an appointment. I'm pretty sure my mood swings will be off the hook until this virus is over, and I very naturally fell into a writing rhythm dealing with it, like I have trained myself for years to do when I don't know what else to do.

On days like this, tears just stream down my face nonstop. Sometimes I don't even notice. I don't actually cry or weep, they just stream. When I think about it, I'm actually thankful because the nerve damage was bad enough for a couple of years not to be able to make tears at all in one eye. Tears are good.

I don't worry about what people think. No one asks, usually. I'm alone so much that there is no other outlet. People are busy and my stuff is overwhelming and transitory, and I know I can make it to another point in time where I feel better, because I have before.

All the same, I'm very tired, stuff looks and feels very hard, and I don't know if I can be good for people right now, so I'm winging it. I'm keeping it simple. I tell people around me to just tell me what to do and I do it. Tell me what time it has to be done, and I make sure it's done. I don't try to think beyond that. I trust that being told what to do and when it needs to be done by will be what I need to get through the day. Today I have several things to execute in a certain time order, and those are my stepping stones today.

This is the black side of autism spectrum egocentric narcissism in a spoonie body on a manic dip into a nonexistent abyss that feels really real. These are the moments where the word 'friends' doesn't save me, where my love for my family can barely shine a tiny light in a far off distance, and where I am the only one I can count on to save me.

God bless fans. This song has been saving me for so many years.

Time to run out our door.

big worms

click for a tweet thread with pix
I couldn't take Disney Jr anymore and veered Bunny into Syfy last week. I had all the Tremors movies saved on DVR, and I was desperate to get my brain back. If you've ever woke up fresh out of bed with the Doc McStuffins theme or the hotdog song from Mickey Mouse stuck in your head, you know what I mean. I needed hardcore Syfy sustenance, stat! And bam, there was Tremors.

@TremorsGuide liked one of my tweets, so I found out there is an Unofficial Guide to Tremors, and that goes to a cool website with links to the book (and kindle) about behind the scenes. "A throwback to the kind of sci-fi B movies that had long gone out of fashion, Tremors was a box office flop that became a home video phenomenon, spawning multiple sequels and a short-lived TV series." Tremors is actually one of Syfy's best franchise hits. I've been public about being a Burt Gummer fan since 2008.

Tremors 6 comes out in 2018!!!! Tremors 6 Gets A Release Date- The original date got pushed back, so summer 2018. You can find announcements like this one on facebook (click the next pic) (remember that the date has changed since he posted this)

and follow Michael Gross on facebook and twitter for real time updates as he finds out himself.

And if you want more on the TV pilot... lol. Yes, another series, yay!!!

We love the 'big worm movies' in our house. People keep asking me what the big worm movies are that Bunny has been talking about this last week.

click pic for tweet
the tweet clicks to
this article
I. Can't. Wait.

This is a fan post, with no compensation. I am a ~fan~. This is also posted at SyfyDesigns.com

Sunday, October 15, 2017

attention whores

Two years ago I opened the Pond of Death.

I named it after a popular Eddie Izzard skit.

At the time, I was deeply struggling with appropriately sorting private and public content about progressing through psychological challenges that include a variety of mental diagnoses and remaining public about it through the roller coaster of social medias. In short, real time interaction stymies me.

Over time I got my stuff mostly sorted out and stopped using Pond of Death, excepting the occasional freak out, which I used to do on private blogs but no longer blog privately.

Pond of Death is very useful for defining that public/private boundary and how I keep my balance. Beyond that, some of the material was toxic inner turmoil dumping that I struggle with and goes nowhere because I'm generally mistaken and just having nerves, so I've pulled that back.

Pond of Death still isn't listed for search engines and still doesn't support comments, but I've gone through it and picked out a more permanent archive.

Aspienado has super spilled a lot of personal stuff onto the webs. Pond of Death especially showcases who I am, what I'm doing, and why I'm here. I felt iffy about that blog for a long time, unsure of its worth or potential or possibly fail, but with a little water under the bridge, I feel it is a unique collection of inner working turmoil that comes with multiple mental illness challenges, and therefore vital to public access. Some of us work very hard to survive, and many are none the wiser and later quite stunned when someone suddenly commits suicide or blasts up a party or a school. I think it's important to share how hard I have worked to still be here.

And as always, I repeat that I believe we all have *something* and most of our 'innocent' bumping around is all our different neurodiversities figuring stuff out. Some of us will never learn to get along, others of us will finish the race with flying colors. In the end, we all wind up on deathbeds with regrets unless we're unlucky enough to get our lives ripped away in accidents and crimes.

If a person reads the Pond of Death blog all the way back, you see where this post title comes from.

I'm otherwise thinking about retiring Pond of Death. I think it's usefulness for me personally was a timely thing, and not meant to be entertaining or a continuing toxic unloading zone. It will stay as is.

I really like that blue background, though.


Life goal- an empty conference room full of laptops like this guy.

in case your weekend is going all wrong
and you need to click on this pic
to get more monkey memes

So it turns out Saturday the 14th is a sneaky bastard behind an innocent acting Friday the 13th holding its hands behind its back and telling us to guess which hand for a surprise. I could whine or I could move on.

Don't look up hand behind back memes, btw. Humans pretty much hold the 'I can type better than a universe full of monkeys' title and that's about it.

9 days till my birthday. I've already announced there will be absolutely no cake. The universe is trying to knock off @bonenado and it's not going to use my birthday to do it. Lotta people don't get that a diabetic refusing a big bowl of cake and ice cream is like an alcoholic desperately refusing a fifth of whiskey, and I'm not doing that to him while he's fighting off both shingles AND the snotty head cold from heck. I'm thinking filet mignon, though.

Ok, ok, I'll whine. It's nothing, just that snotty cold virus thing slamming my old cranial nerve damaged areas. If any of you have ever had Bell's Palsy, Ramsay Hunt, or even just a really bad blow to the side of your head and jaw area, THAT. The pain is unbelievable. I've been told by doctors that viruses will usually hit your weakest areas, like sometimes my thyroid aches during a cold, or sometimes all my joints hurt, but yesterday it hit my cranial nerves like a freight train, and suddenly I was flashbacking into 2004. There was no way I could use CPAP, but I actually slept anyway, thank goodness. And this morning isn't quite as bad, so hopefully it's just a fluke.

I know, right, I just blew all that off like meh. I'm the main household glue around here, if I go down, this ship will be like a sub that can't surface. I put myself on mandatory bed rest last night, and I may be doing it again today. No idea yet how @bonenado fared the extra Bunny care hours. With shingles. With a head cold trying to knock him flat. But you know what? It all worked out and everyone's sleeping in today and I have the router all to myself, MWAHAHAHA. Actually, I can't even sit here, I keep having to get up.

I'm really looking forward to this. I'm a big Mr. Glass fan.

Total spoilers if you haven't seen Unbreakable, but this is about the best movie ending scene I've ever seen in my life. I know, I've said that before.

That's it, I'm wimping out. Back to bed.

Saturday, October 14, 2017


Today is fun. @bonenado and I have accidentally sabotaged each other so many times already today that nothing is making sense any more, but as always, I loomed and plugged my Borg Queen control in and brought order to chaos.

original pic from here
It started last night. He didn't tell me he started a mega download for a new Tom-Tom so he could avoid my crabbiness at having my game server rug pulled out from under my stress load. Yes, he didn't say a word while I spent 20 minutes trying to execute a single command after game load and relog over and over after kick off and finally gave up. His computer was on all night long, monitor off so I wouldn't be the wiser, and power button blocked so I wouldn't see it glowing in the dark. No biggie, right? So I got up first this morning, wrangled for about 30 minutes trying to get on server, finally just pushed the router reset... Yes, it completely killed that download less than an hour to completion, never to recover.

Couple hours later all the info finally came together as super fail facepalm set in all around. I'm feeling extraordinarily vengeful but staying cool and collected while everything else keeps going wrong all morning, like Bunny abruptly throwing her little ADHD body into a gymnastic contortion and kicking a little cup of snotty cold medicine all over the bedding and my fresh clean clothes in a fine sticky syrupy spray. Like such a tiny amount of that stuff instantly stickified everything in a 2 foot radius, including, somehow, the bottom of my sock. Fun, had to strip the bed and change clothes and she'd barely been up 10 minutes.

Between her snotty cold and her meds, @bonenado's shingles, oncoming snotty cold (thanx, Bunny) and his meds, and my continual monitoring of 5 things happening all at once without rhyme or reason, and retracking #allthethings into one thing after another, like linear time should be, on top of my own stuff (I can feel that snotty cold virus starting up in my left cheekbone, ug), my left eye is twitching like I've been locked in a sanitarium dungeon with spiders on me.

Example. After 20 minutes of Bunny and Papa playing on her scooter and her falling splat into a dead lizard on the road and coming into to wash up, I got her focused onto a Halloween card (colors, stickers) while I set up to make apple pie, which she could help with, because Papa really needed a break. Poor Papa didn't get a clue and tried to divert her from me to a TV show so I can catch a break while I 'work', and during a 5 minute pie assembly Bunny diverted into 3 different things while I was trying to keep her focused on pie, and finally the Borg Queen stomped Papa flat with DO NOT TELL HER TO BRUSH HER TEETH RIGHT NOW. I mean, how did that even come up???

I've said before that I married into a family that reminds me of being thronged by little yappy dogs. Everything is spontaneously moment to moment, often without any thread of visible logic, and every day is a delightful detangling and reordering. But I'm really good at it, and sometimes it's just plain funny, and then there is pie. Pie fixes everything.

The P is for Papa, and Bunny picked the Halloween sprinkles. My house smells lovely like apples and cinnamon, so it's ok if the pie looks weird.

We are screaming down the holiday slide, and I won't be a bit surprised if I find myself flipped off to the side in a daze while the rest of the holidays sling around me in a colorful blur. I'm going to stay home and destress on the game server while Papa goes with Bunny and Mama to a punkin farm this afternoon. I'll chop virtual punkins and rake in more dough (currenly over $2M) while they go get a real punkin and do a corn maze and a bouncy house and stuff.

click to get lost in the strangest pinterest cross-stream search ever
bcuz google said this pic goes to that pic for some reason

Friday, October 13, 2017

just a scratch

My last thought before waking up was wondering if I had died because everything was going so perfectly right that I couldn't imagine any other reason. It was one of those mall/church/lots of people dreams that feel like I'm in between lives or something. Those are really rare dreams.

click for a runner's story
Pretty sure my latest foot problem is extensor tendonitis, and I'm pretty sure it was my shoe being laced up way too tight at the shoe store followed by heavy shopping at Walmart and no time to stop and get shoes off before Bunny after school. Then yesterday I was back in those shoes for several hours, and even though they were heavenly comfortable and I had loosened the laces, that area just couldn't take any more. I've done a lot of things to my feet, but I've never seen them look sprained on top and inside just from wearing new shoes. I kept reading (here is a search list), and I also ran into a lot of fibro and feet pain on another search. 10 years ago there was *nothing* on feet with fibro. A rheumatologist even told me point blank fibro doesn't cause foot pain. Guess that's all changed, it's apparently well known and accepted now that fibro can wreak havoc with foot pain because it's a nervous system disorder. At any rate, I'm sticking with this one.
Control Fibromyalgia Foot Pain - Living smarter with fibromyalgia

I'm having a better year (very challenging, but way better), and I'm on my feet a LOT more for lots longer at a time. I've been slamming my poor feet around and ignoring them, mostly just getting my shoes off and kicking back and hoping it all works itself out. 8 months of that- maybe I need to pay more attention. I'm putting myself back on intermittent bed rest through the weekend (I'll still be cooking and cleaning, of course), so that means hauling the laptop back to my bed and pouring my focus into gaming so I won't feel frustrated all over the world at large. But not till I get back from town today. Sorry, feet.

Oh, yeah, punkin spice was in my dream last night, too. I remember telling my sister I was going to buy her some cloves for her birthday, and then I went Christmas shopping because I had money to blow. The strangest part was near the end, people from long ago (? not in this life ?) finding me and telling me I did really well. If I had told you the really creepy dream from earlier this week all your hairs would go up. Pretty sure there was an abrupt fork in the road we successfully made it past.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

today's built-in excuse *eyeroll*

click to plunge into a weird world of foot memes
some of them are priceless
I did not know this.

My documented fibrotic healing response is apparently taking umbrage with my left foot. X-rays said no stress fractures last March, couple months later hobbled on a micro tear because I'm no fool (I'm an idiot getting a micro tear), solved the traveling pain stab prob with decompression in lower spine, spiked out of nowhere into plantar hell, finally figured out I gotta get outa those Nikes but couldn't right away, got new asics yesterday and LOVED THEM- apparently too much. 😑 Woke up to a tiny swollen muscle band in a brand new place, wtf. This is going on 8 months now with that foot freaking out over every teeny weeny little thing.

Meanwhile, the rest of my body seems to be doing fantastic by sheer context.

My massage person also does feet. I've never had anyone but Scott touch my feet in years. I'm super ticklish and really hate having my feet touched, but I may be gritting my teeth tomorrow and sticking my foot out. 😕 Time to get a hands on assessment.

Also time to get some slippers!!! My fuzzy ones gave out last year and I need to get some and keep that foot warm. I get Raynaud's problems during weather changes, and that always makes pain worse. I don't live very far from this place, real sheepskin.

click to check out awesome
like bomber jackets n stuff
And if this doesn't calm down by Halloween, I guess I'll be dragging in to my foot guy crossing my fingers I don't hafta get cortisone shots. I'm one of those risky backfire people who could go into a flare just getting a shot.

Good thing I'm mostly caught up with everything, because today I'm putting that foot up and diving into the game server, huzzah! *praying the internet holds...* Did you guys know this happened last  night??? From spaceweather.com, snip clicks to source.

And I might pull out my Elvira movie bcuz Halloween. I used to dream of raising full sized black and white poodles and doing cool things with them. I even had a couple pre-named Vader and Vespa. Oh, well.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

honesty trumps stigma

pic clicks out to way more pink mug stuff
I especially like 'live what you love', 'prove them crazy wrong', and 'make it happen'
I'm actually back up to my 2 extra large cups of coffee every morning. I was doing really well cutting back for about a week and I guess just hit a big ol' rebound over the last few days while I was juggling a few eggs and chainsaws. One of those sucker punch weekends on all fronts, and today feels like the 3rd Monday in a row kind of thing.

So I really went there yesterday, not a clue for hours that it was #WorldMentalHealthDay, lol.

I grew up in a world of stigma and have seen all the nasty things it can do to relationships and self worth. Inserting stigma into any convo is the fastest way in the world to sabotage, using stigma in social structure is the surest way to mass control.

Fuck stigma. I don't care who thinks or says what about me any more, and I'm going to keep saying honesty and transparency are the path to healing, from micro to macro. Everyone benefits from this point of view.

If you want to stay trapped in stigma (and bless your hearts, I know it is so hard), then realize that you make the conscious choice to allow others to victimize, harass, and emotionally (sometimes physically) rip you. Yes, I know that simply deciding to flip to the other side of the coin doesn't solve all the problems, but like I've been saying in public blogs since 2008- MAKE A PLAN.

Who are you?
Who do you want to be?
How do you get what you want?
What small steps will it take in between the bigger stepping stones to reach your destination?

Social mapping is foreign to me. I suck at understanding human interaction. That doesn't mean I can't learn to navigate the choppy waters, lurking undercurrents, and deadly rocks jutting up from below. I don't have to be shipwrecked because of a rock I didn't see coming. I don't have to stay beached in a place I never wanted to be. I don't have to be sucked into a downdraft and drown because someone else is oblivious or mean.

And I don't have to be mean about it myself. All I gotta do is walk away from it, float over the top of it, steer around it, and keep sailing to where I want to go with my life.

For some people this will mean literally leaving families. For others this means simply adjusting schedules. Any change is always disruptive, and sometimes our comfort zones are deep ruts carved into dysfunctional relationships for reasons. Could be money, could be physical or mental handicaps, could be anything. But tiny incremental small changes over time add up to big changes you never dreamed you could make happen.

I've spent the last 5 years blogging my way through small stepping away from hopeless helpless despair because I wanted to. I had an idea I believed (desperately hoped) could work, and yes, it's working even way better than I ever imagined. I put together my own care team, I put together a plan with clearly defined goals, and I asked for my care team to help me. This care team includes
  • primary care physician
  • chiropractor
  • psychologist
  • endocrinologist
  • gynocologist
  • neurologist
  • psychiatrist
  • physical therapy team
  • massage therapy person
I sought out all those people (and my family) and told them they are part of my team, and that they would all know all the things all the rest do. They all have input, and therefore I've been able to successfully stay off meds that exacerbate problems. My favorite is the neurologist wanting me back on amitriptyline for nerve pain and my psychiatrist letting me know that would make anything mood related much worse. In the past I floundered through so much confusion with only one doctor trying to handle all my stuff, and wound up so miserable and sick all the time that I literally crumbled into immobility and loss of function. Her abruptly abandoning her practice for hospital work and leaving me dangling for 4 months set me on a path that ultimately saved my life.

I crawled my way back out of that, I'm honest with all my people about all my things, I ask for very specific help with reasons why and what I hope to get out of it, and they are more than happy to help me. No more confused wandering through a health care system for me, thanx.

I am #aspienado. I know who I am, what I want, and where I'm going, and I hope to be good for other people so that my life won't feel wasted at the end of it. The legal diagnoses I listed in my last post don't mean I can't make decisions about my own health care (including mental health). Yes, I deal with a mountain of stuff, but that doesn't mean I am incapable of seeking out advice and making educated decisions about how to go forward into making my life better, and I trust my team to guide me through what I don't yet understand.

The most important thing I ever did in my life was learn to ask others for help. I don't instinctively trust anyone, and I'm super fail at reading people, so that was hard. In order to get good help, I put together lists of questions I needed answers to, and I learned to keep it simple and focused so that I wouldn't overwhelm anyone, because I really am an overwhelming person when I get going, and often other people don't realize quite where they triggered a mass of confusion in me that tips my world over. It's called the KISS method and I learned it in high school. Keep It Simple, Stupid.

I have to run out the door, laterz.

Monday, October 9, 2017

a sprinkling of brain things

I came out a little over a year ago in this post with my diagnoses on my disability papers. I didn't link them to anything, but I'm doing that now. Each one will click to an explanation or article.
My psychiatrist would like a harder diagnosis since I've progressed into dissociation issues with my psychologist, which I've basically lived with my entire life but never talked about. He asked for it last winter, and my psychologist said not yet because I was up and down dealing with pain med adjustment problems, and he said that could affect the testing and the diagnosis would be permanent. My psychiatrist reminded me again lately that he'd like that done, and now that I'm more evened out with the pain med situation and another successful set of physical therapy visits, I guess I'll see what my psychologist says.

There are a number of brain things sprinkled throughout my family. On my mom's side are Alzheimer's, schizophrenia, depression, Munchausen by proxy, OCD, and personality disorder. On my dad's side is a strong inclination to autism spectrum.

I am of the opinion that anyone on the planet could be diagnosed with some level of mental illness under the right (or wrong) circumstances. I knew I was having problems as far back as high school, and I walked into MMPI testing of my own volition in college and apparently passed just fine. Years later I asked my primary care doctor to refer me to a psychologist after I learned about Asperger's. Anything mentioned in between to family or friends was mentioned back as me being a hypochondriac just wanting attention, to which I replied I actually dislike attention anyway, so to purposely seek out negative attention seems a bit stretchy, especially since I'd been corporeally punished and lectured at length throughout my childhood and never got enough positive benefit from that to want to seek out more. Well, I didn't say it like that, but you know what I mean.

I have never been hauled in for evaluation. I have never caused disturbances that required interventions. I have never self harmed (typically, visibly) or harmed others (in ways that would get me caught). I was rigidly raised to obey, behave, and don't be embarrassing. I took longer than most kids to catch on, but because of that, I learned to self monitor and avoid unwitting consequences.

I have developed the opinion that beating, humiliating, and scaring children into submission is a very big mistake, but I can see how mentally ill people living in dysfunctional families manage to survive in society that way. Being raised to have too much pride to wind up in jail was a powerful motivator for me, although that was never said in so many words. I actually turned down a lucrative offer based on the fact that I'd eventually wind up in jail, because I personally detest being confined and told what to do. I didn't choose correctly on moral principle or because I might lose custody of my child over it, no, I chose correctly because I had a deterrent I didn't want to tolerate. I was smart enough to at least avoid that by walking away from the offer (which was actually a dangerous thing to do, and I knew it, but I had such a flippant attitude back then that I didn't care).

I'm old and wise now, like Gandalf. I see people all around me who are like me but toe the lines so their lives don't get stupid. They stick to rules and reasons for why they have those rules. I personally think most of the rules are rubbish because the reasons are even more rubbish, but whatever works, right? The goal is to function successfully enough to survive, not win a logic debate. It's easy to see how not toeing the line can go all bad real fast, and that implies stupidity, and many of us would rather not be caught being that stupid.

I've noticed that very few people have actual moral principles, and even when they do they betray them without an eye blink if it serves their momentary purposes. Human mental health is relatively new on the long term scale of human development, and survival traits often include the more cunning virtues, like being able to lie and cheat well, learning when to fake or steal without being caught, jumping into opportunities without sharing them, and more. Part of human intelligence is cunning, and cunning isn't necessarily emotionally healthy.

I think neurodiversity is in it's infancy, and I really hope it doesn't go through a sweeping genocide because of 'mental illness'. It's possible that some level of mental illness might actually be a positive survival trait for some people. For instance, my narcissistic attitude as a child about other people being stupid kept me from self destructing into self deprecation and the nasty consequences of self harm, corroding addictions, and suicide, as per discussion with my psychologist. It's true that some people benefit from help with tweaking brain chemicals, but it's also true that some of our greatest art, literature, and science leaps were borne in mentally ill brains.

I am not ashamed of a single one of my diagnoses. I didn't even know I was this much of a mess until I sought out help for a very real personal problem that bothered me very badly. I wanted a friend. A real friend, a friend who would accept me and respect me and care that I walk this earth and not just toy with me or use me. Real life isn't like television for most of us. Most of us feel lonely a lot more than TV says we should. Most of us don't have laugh tracks following us around like we're so cute even when we're dumb. Most of us live like facepalm cliffhangers that never get resolved because the show got cancelled.

Most of us remain undiagnosed.

Side story to make a point. @bonenado has shingles. He is dealing with a level of pain I've been living with for years. He has suddenly taken an interest in a little research, so I sent him a link with a list of shingles symptoms. I have been living with every one of those symptoms for years, minus the rash. I am not afraid of shingles. That doesn't mean I ever want them or that I would blow them off if I got them, but it means I'm a seasoned veteran with experiencing nerve pain and therefore don't feel that tingle of fear around the word shingles.

The idea of being mentally ill doesn't frighten or upset me. I have apparently been living with all of this for a very long time without knowing there were names for it. My life has gotten better and even easier since I found out about them. I was struggling so hard for years with why is it so hard for me to be nice. I really did try, and everywhere I went, one hour into whatever and I was in defcon migraine level hate and badly needing escape. Why? Once I found out it's because my senses are so easily overwhelmed and that my natural coping mechanisms are faulty, I stopped being so hard on myself. All I have to do is simply remove myself from a situation before it gets overwhelmingly ugly for me, and people all around think that I'm nice.

Learning to live with mental illnesses is like learning to live with chronic illnesses. You develop rhythms and lifestyles that help you stay balanced and learn to navigate the disruptions that upset that balance. I happen to need a lot of quiet time in order to cope well, and when that becomes impossible, I have fallback modes I can go into to focus my way through until I can reach a place of quiet. A lot of it is about preplanning for sensory overload, which triggers all kinds of personality issues when I don't stay smart about how I want my day to go.

It's not a piece of cake. I live with both mental and chronic illnesses. Sometimes it's really hard to get through life sucks, but sometimes everything goes all wrong and I'm fine with it. The most important thing about each moment is keep moving. Keep breathing, keep minecrafting, keep doing my laundry, keep checking on people I love, keep keeping. Enjoy the little things, treasure the moments, love all the nouns (people, places, and things).

I don't know if this will help anyone, but I believe honesty and transparency are becoming even more rare and precious in this super socially saturated world, and the more we just say our stuff, the more we'll not feel alone.


Sunday, October 8, 2017

twoo wuv

When the weekend slings you against the cosmic windshield.

click if your own fail needs cosmic fail to make you feel better
So, @bonenado has shingles all over one of his legs. It hurts.

it's easy to make your own demotivational posters
click to try it out!
Bunny's mama officially hit the middle age mile marker today.

clicks to plenty of distraction to get lost in
I'm kind of working on getting some ostriches together to see if they'll lay eggs on a game server, so of course it's requiring a number of very disconnected steps just getting it all set up. I'm calling it the worst of my problems and ignoring people telling me my player shop is out of sand. Like omg, sand is one of the easiest things in the world to go get, so ~chill~.

clicking this one might be a bit depressing, actually
Oh, yeah, and a *cough*friendofafriend*cough* is coming perilously close to the Pond of Death. That's ok, no one you know.

Or maybe you do, I'm really losing track of who actually stalks me any more. Like from a library parking lot in the wee hours because someone needed their wifi Lexx fix or something. It's all good. I'm cool with wifi however you can find it, right? Not looking at you, unnamed 2 word 3 syllable state vaguely way northeast of me.

I wandered through youtube again last night. It was all auto suggested and nonrelated, so there's probably something for everyone.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

going full blown terraKhan

if pinky blog isn't rankling enough for you, click to fume-snark
Yeah, I can't go there. Too many triggers this week.

I've also got other stuff on my mind. Pinky blog domain payment just went through and I guess the price went up, so time to look into that. I really had no idea how wild this would get, so many of us out there using this name and all the crazy search referrals I keep running into, but I'm caught in my own setup now and I guess I'll be riding this one out. Oh, the funny games we play amusing ourselves.

Speaking of games, I guess I'm going full blown terracotta support in my player shop. I'm still ripping down a mesa on the resource world before the regen resets, and don't ask me how, but suddenly it seems so easy. I don't know if it was my 6-day stint in single player or what, but I'm all over the new colors and loving the extra points I'm racking up while I glaze.

Started with adding on the dyed clays.

Branching into the glazed terracottas.

these 2 screenshots click back to official game server site if you're interested in checking it out
The brain healing is still amazing me. I created this player shop after the Haven move to Valhalla, so mid July? I remember spending a very confusing week wrapping my brain around the new economy, finding a reasonable balance between the warp buy and sell prices, setting and resetting a hundred signs, very much like actual retail. I spent a couple of months tweaking and finally settled on a good rhythm with the other players. When we upgraded to the latest vanilla recently I thought maybe I would just let go of clay, it seemed a little too much work. Not sure how or when it happened, but I guess all that brain work got some more lights on, and suddenly setting up a whole new shop area seemed really easy and I did it fairly quickly. I was able to keep the 16 color list straight, acquire and process the materials, and set up the signage while handling connectivity issues, player interactions, and real life. Plus all that is going on in hard survival with extra mobs, AND I was also able to keep my cash crop wealth growing.

I don't look back very often on the old blog posts that much nowadays, but this week was a mile marker so I went there. My brain still falls out a bit around the house, still getting my days and weeks mixed up, still a goofball, but apparently I'm getting math back, strategy and planning are falling into place, and multitasking under stress is getting more reliable without feeling lost, yay! I've also noticed that it's easier dealing with anxiety away from the house if I think about what I'd like to do next on the game server instead of paying attention to whatever is ramping up my anxiety. Still thinking my friend pulling me into minecraft was the best possible positive impact on my cognitive glitching, and very thankful for it.

I'm also all over executing my daily care plan, and even on pred for 4 days my fasting glucose was 89 this morning. If I can stick to this the rest of the year, I should be in really good shape by 2018. Just gotta remember I want this and not screw myself up.

I'm missing the real time ST Discovery show scheduling, but right there with you guys on wondering what's going on. Here is one fan theory.

And I've already heard rumors about this tying back to Khan somehow.

And you guys know I love Khan.

And a whole bunch more posts that 'Khan' shows up in when you put that into the search in Pinky blog.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Pinkyween commences

Trigger caution, graphic violence.

Random search surfing around youtube and this caught my eye. "Somebody once challenged me to make a Heroes music video to a song by Britney Spears and still make it seem badass." I had to watch it immediately.

And from there it was me and the headphones while Bunny tortured Papa after he got home from work.

I have missed so much live tweeting this year. I'm so torn.

I'm even regretting saying I was tired of so much TV last year.



Now it's later. Still wired on the pred, everyone else is in bed. It's so weird being pred-jacked during a crash off a long euphoric ep, even though it was semi-controlled.

Tomorrow is the big day.

I've had 8 years to think that all through. I've spent 8 years working on becoming more emotionally healthy and regaining back some of what I lost sinking into physical disability. I have worked very, very hard on not being selfish and being present in the moment for the people I love around me. I can honestly say I'm no longer hateful, but I have to honestly admit I'm still very angry, and I don't foresee ever not crashing through so many painful memories every time the first week of October rolls around.

I am quite jealous of people my age who still have both their parents. I feel very sad for people I know who lost both parents already at a younger age than I did. I can't imagine either scenario. All I can feel is jealousy, sadness, pain, and all kinds of anger.

Two years ago I wrote interpretations. My mom had absolutely no moral support raising an autism spectrum child in the middle of so much other stuff that she was dealing with. I am finally old and wise enough to see all that from the eyes of a peer instead of a child. I feel so bad for her sometimes looking back that I can't stand it, and I hide that I cry, like she used to hide that she cried. I can't go back and fix all the misunderstandings, and even if I could try, I would probably make it all worse somehow.

I spent most of my life in hard shutdown because I was very strictly not allowed to have meltdowns without what some people would now consider fairly severe consequences. I've spent the last ten years talking to a psychologist untangling so much mess, and that is very seriously only the tip of a very big iceberg.

If there is anything I can say to parents of autism spectrum kids, of any neuroatypical kids, it's please just love them. I've seen people treat dogs better than they treat their own children, and it breaks my heart. I've seen people treat strangers more kindly than they treat their children, and it shreds me. To judge anyone for something they cannot help, never asked for, and don't yet have the capacity to deal with is really harsh, especially when it turns into corporal punishment and very mean faces and words. Children on autism spectrum, especially, can be notorious for retaining hardcore highly detailed memory recordings for decades, and the behavior you exhibit might be either replayed or spelled out years later.

I'll be spelling mine out. I won't be doing it to be mean, but to be kind. Sometimes it's important to see how ugly something gets in order to veer away from it in future. And, honestly, I'm older now than a lot of the autism parents out there freaking out, and they really do need to know that giving birth to 'broken' children isn't the end of the world. We're all broken. Anyone who can punish a small child without any rescue or defense for simply being broken is broken themselves.

My mom was very broken, and I want to go back in time and scoop her up as a tiny child and rescue her. I'm very sad she never got to see me arrive to this point. One day I'll share a picture of her looking so sad as a small child that everyone will wonder what happened, and then the smiles in all the rest of the pictures after that will look different.

I drown in empathy. Don't let anyone ever tell you auties have no empathy. I had to turn mine off and get mean and cold to survive, but all the soft sad stuff is very intact and the recordings are all still there. I wasn't even five years old when I asked my mom why she was sad, and she never allowed me to ask her that again and never talked about it. Imagine what must have gone on inside of her to stuff that back in so hard and never let anyone see it. We saw her anger, yes. I've come to realize it was a privilege to see her sad. Not depressed, not fearful, not anxious, but sad. Why was it so important to hide the sad?

Dear autism parents- You have my full support. I was a difficult child, and once I realized I had power, I sometimes made it more difficult for my emotionally weak mother to function. We were quite a pair. I sabotaged her in very subtle ways, and she crumbled and did some very mean things back to me. By the time I was in high school our relationship was so broken that we never recovered from living without that parent/child bond. I felt unforgiven and she felt hated, because she didn't forgive me and I hated her.

Stuff like that is really simple to fix once you realize that's what's going on.

clicks to source
I'm borrowing it
a few people will get it

on being actually actual

click for an unbelievable variety of tutorials on Halloween lips
While I was off the game server for 6 days last week, I went a little deep for distraction. It always starts with wandering through search phrases, and I wound up in Yablo land, one of my fave places. These snips click to the pages.

I love reading logic write-ups. I've been thinking about stuff like this since I was a preteen. Does what we think create our world? Does it even matter what we think?

This next click is worth the read if you have the time and want to chew a little gristle.

I was so happy to find this. Being serious.

click for an excellent book review
Click on this next pic to get the actual book.

Also available from Barnes and Noble.

This next click is so perfect for the autism debates I see on twitter.

Another interesting reaction to that- Crimson Brain, Red Mind: Yablo on Mental Causation

A really good think piece- Does Ontology Rest on a Mistake?

Autism advocates discussing the setbacks of ableism might be interested in this book- "Things is a collection of twelve essays by Stephen Yablo on metaphysics. He examines a range of first-order topics, including identity, coincidence, essence, causation, and properties. Some first-order debates are not worth pursuing, he argues: there is nothing at issue in them. Several of the papers explore the metaontology of abstract objects, and more generally of objects that are 'preconceived', their principal features being settled already by their job-descriptions. He rejects standard forms of fictionalism, opting ultimately for a view that puts presupposition in the role normally played by pretense. Almost all of Yablo's published work on these topics is collected here, along with the previously unpublished 'Carving Content at the Joints'."

Check out a good interview at Only a Game: Yablo on fictionalism.

And if you still haven't had enough, try this one- Yablo on God.

Side note for YabloVH followers on Mo Creatures- I am NOT this Yablo in WoW. Interesting that person has pink hair. I am also NOT Commander Yablo.

Need a break? This is the wallpaper on my phone now. Click it to go find autumn wallpaper for your phone.

Oh, I might also be related somehow to Matt Groening. Click the snip for the full interview.

For whoever made it this far and needs a really real break, here you go. I need to get busy.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

I love you more than bunnies

click for the Bunny Halloween wiki
bunnies and Halloween are not strangers
I think one of my sister's girls started that one years ago, not sure if it was around Easter or what else was going on, but it has stuck with us ever since and we say it a lot. :edit: This is the original source.

I love you more than bunnies.

Growing up in a family where hearing "I love you" didn't happen often enough around me, or was said more out of expectation or under trite circumstance, I went out of my way to change that with my family. It was hard, but once I got used to it, it started rolling off my tongue unbidden even to strangers, sometimes in very funny or awkward places. Oh, well, lol. Maybe someone needed it.

Last night's vivid dream was about bunnies. If we could see in bunny form what humans do to each other, maybe we could understand better. Like when someone's day gets crushed by an angry person flinging their emotions around, literally seeing a bunny stomped hard with a big boot and the painful squeal of death while eyes gouge and guts and brain spurt out. Or like if someone was all best of luck to someone else whose bunny was out in rough choppy water and you could see the bunny was literally drowning in front of you. Or like sending someone off to handle something with a you can do this, and there was a very sad bunny hiding deep in a backpack or glove box. Sad bunnies would be pretty hard to push out there into the big cruel world. We'd want to cuddle them and make them feel safe.

click for tons of clip art
Today is brought to you by the letters K and MC and the number every 30-60 seconds. Kaspersky is a big bad biatch, and I really love it. Kaspersky on Windows 10 is a whiny brat. I've used Kaspersky for years, so I'm pretty good at figuring out the drags I go through and adjusting them. Our latest adventure together ramped up when I updated my minecraft game server downloads and started getting kicked off for java.io.IOException every 30-60 seconds. Kaspersky doesn't like java and tells on java all the time, so I'm well aware of the crap on my end. I fiddled around with adding exceptions and told it to ignore any more java, and at least I was able to log on. I spent an entire day relogging nearly every minute. I'm a machine, I got a LOT done in between those kicks, like renovating my player shop and farming up another $75K or so. But I got really tired of it, so I finally took the whole safe money off. I don't know what is going on with the latest Kaspersky updates and the latest W10 and Chrome duels, but I had to take safe money off just to be able to stay on a game server on a top of the line gaming laptop. Have I mentioned I'm about ready for the competition to stop? That it's time for the total integration and smooth interface of internet? That I'm ready for the brain chip? Sheesh.

If the only interesting thing in that last paragraph was 'game server', my latest post is here.

click to get to official server site
After a sweet lull in my personal allergy hell (got through ragweed season on half the usual amount of antihistamines), everything flared super big yesterday and I had to slam extra zyrtec, double the benadryl I usually take when needed, pepcid (H2 blocker) and after 30 minutes decided I'd better get on that pred burst or wind up in clinic for shots, so I'm on prednisone for 3 more days. Between our basement getting dredged for yard sale (went fantastic, yay!) and the leaf mold from autumn starting (official allergy to leaf mold), and all of it going in and out the door past me, my histamine levels were probably already popping, and then all it took from there was one of my old pain pills (some meds are well known for spiking normal histamine levels even though there is no allergy to the med), and bam. I'm not supposed to be taking those any more anyway and had gotten down to one a week, and yesterday's 30 minutes of headache relief got blitzed by my uvula turning into a lawn sprinkler. You don't mess around with that kind of reaction. Took nearly an hour to get that under control, but much better now. Guess I'd better go back to twice a day zyrtec through autumn peak. Maybe I can cut back down once we're past that.

SO. I'll be super watching my blood sugar next few days. If you're in diabetic hell with steroids for some reason, I wrote a post for that called Diabetes and Steroid Meds. If you need more, go here. I'm pretty good at this, fasting glucose was 78 this morning after yesterday's prednisone.

I think I'm getting better at cramming a lot of stuff into less space. 😋 Let's get out of here, I need breakfast and more game time. I didn't get on server for 6 whole days in a row last week, and I've been extra special good lately, so I'm going to PLAY. I don't think some of the kids nowadays appreciate that my gen inventing playing. All your tech and industries- my peeps made 4 u. Let's go enjoy something today.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

that cheerful Howdy! hasta stop

I forgot to get the good pic again, but remembered to grab one coming back thru on my way home this time. The other side says Partridge Family. Also noticed this time it's for sale. Don't know if you can read that, maybe next week I'll get a better pic.

And I felt bad for not doing the neighbor's squash blossoms justice last week, so here's a better shot.

I have done my planning, my shopping, and yesterday initiated my original paleo / South Beach / Rosedale health plan combo diet. The only thing I purchased with Rosedale was the book (used, spent under $2), didn't buy anything else or take any supplements, and the rest I just studied online and did on my own.

Back around 2009 I had become desperate and bent my mind around putting together my own health care team. By 2011 I was cleaning off years of medications and lost 50 pounds in 4 months, but it took a lot of research on how diabetes actually works, how 'nutrition' is skewed into the wrong foods by big companies, how to survive without medications by actually paying attention to what I put into my own mouth. It's work paying attention and keeping track, but it's very easy with all the mandatory food labeling we have nowadays.

This is my public trail through healing.

pill phobia at its finest - coming out of the stupor of medication addictions, poor medication management, over prescribing

my problem with healthy food - challenging the healthy grains concept

Holidays With Diabetes- Easier than you think - An easy way to understand what the holidays do to diabetics

Diabetes and Steroid Meds - Surviving steroid treatment for other chronic illnesses and allergic reactions while maintaining control with diabetes

I've come a very long way since I wrote those articles. I've slipped off my own path a bit, regained a little weight, backslid into pain complications and medication problems, and now I'm very tired of 2017 dragging on like this. Time to get my control back.

Because I keep after continual physical therapies throughout the year, I am still not only maintaining function around my home, but keeping up with far more activity than I ever dreamed I could do. I still can't get on my knees at all without destroying them and have almost continual pain somewhere in my body during everything I do, including reclining and sitting, but it's manageable. However, I've lost my grip on that manageable part a few times this year, and I want it back. Part of losing that grip is because I'm slipping on my nutrition planning, and it doesn't take much for the diabetic headaches and slower healing and stomach problems and nerve pain to pop back in my door with a cheerful Howdy!

It's too easy to grab quick and starchy bites on the run because I have high energy young people in my house now. I must menu plan for MYSELF and stick to it. I work around food allergies, so I heavily depend on dairy for proteins, but some dairy has lactose and lately my glucose spiking is worse on lactose because of my new blood pressure pill. So, I bought an extra dozen eggs this week and boiled them up. One boiled egg a day will replace my second cup of coffee with creamer (canned milk).

I also bought bacon. Bacon gets a really bad rap when it's actually much better for you than cookies and cake and pie and spaghetti, especially when you're diabetic. It's easy to cook up a package of bacon and then keep it on hand in the fridge. When others grab a cupcake, I can grab a piece or two of bacon, and later I can use the bacon drippings to cook up a big load of pan roasted brussels sprouts, which are even more awesome with aged balsamic and grated parm.

Guys, I lost 50 pounds in 4 months one year without even trying just doing THAT and stopping when I reached 1500 calories. I could nibble all day and still dropped 5 bowling balls off. It never really hits home how much we carry around until you pick up a bowling ball and go wow, that was IN ME.

Anyway, I reached a point in 2011 where I felt like a skinny fat person, which was really fun for new clothes (got down to an 18), and I would really like to go past that now. I've been in size 20 jeans for awhile and if I'm going to be having difficulty with pain and possible falling (the klutz is becoming strong again), I'd like to be easier for others to help getting back up, knowhutImean? So I bought butter and bacon and eggs and cheese and brussels sprouts and broccoli and lettuce (I love lettuce wraps around chicken tenders!) and stuff like that, and let's see how the rest of the year goes.

I've been hovering just above 200 pounds for months, I wanna break through that. Can I do it? I've never lost weight on gabapentin before, plus I'm back on low dose xanax and still on daily zyrtec. In 2011 I was NOT on meds bossing my weight/water retention around, because I had spent 3 years cleaning off most of my meds and got into physical therapy. We'll see what happens. I do know that I gained weight this year on baclofen and higher doses of gabapentin, so the baclofen is gone and the gabapentin is back on very minimal pain control.

I. Want. This.

click for more fall gifs

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

I feel better, so much better

click for official Doc Brown Lego
I hope I'm not jinxing myself to say I'm loving these 'nightmares' that metoprolol is known for.

click for links to people freaking out about their nightmares
So last night Scott and I were checking out a new game on the internet and wound up with super stack overload from pausing while we went out to eat and then coming back to frozen screens. And then that turned into meeting Clara and thinking she never shuts up (well, in a good way, I suppose) and she showed me a note where The Doctor (Eleven) had written that he'd introduce to her to someone with the added "by the way, she LOVES to talk" notation, and when I ran into him later I was all Hey, is that my mom you wrote to Clara about and he smiled and put his finger up to his lips and said Shhh just in time as Clara walked up, so she got to go talk to my mom and they really hit it off. Then for some reason a bunch of super tornadoes got stuck by Kansas City and failed to do any damage because #fail, so me and a couple people went outside after dark ghost hunting, and alla sudden we ran into a lifesized Lego of Doc Brown turned into a Minecraft zombie with a Minecraft Lego villager zombie right behind him, and next thing you know Lisa Marie Bowman was narrating us through a Late Night Movie with more Minecraft Lego zombies spawning all around us and standing there menacingly at us, and then a big white cube appeared out in the field with 'Note to Pinky' on it. My last thought before waking up was How do I take a page off a minecraft cube to see what's written next?

If that's a nightmare, yes, please. I've been through several weeks now of the cutest nightmares I've ever had on my life. Just hope it doesn't backfire because I really don't need psychosis in my life. From Metoprolol-induced visual hallucinations: a case series - "For decades, beta-adrenergic blocking agents have been known to cause adverse CNS effects including psychiatric syndromes, bizarre and vivid dreams, sleep disturbances, delirium, psychosis and visual hallucinations"

I suppose I'd better let my psychologist know this is going on in case I get extra weird and wind up in a 72 hour observation thingy or something. So far it's just dreams though. I suppose last night's dream could have ranked nightmare level status if Doc McStuffins had shown up to turn Doc Brown back and save him from being a zombie, especially if Doc had joined Doc in song.

Fandom smashing. It's what I do. If I were anyone significant in merch I'd be creating so much smash merch that you'd be able to get Minecraft Lego Doc Brown zombie in a Funko. My motto would be We have a Funko for that.

Meanwhile, we're working on an Elsa-Rapunzel braid like super cool superfans DO. Ignore the equivalent of tiny tot cursing.