Header snip originally from giphy, added onto to by other enthusiastic fans, and then I took it through memedad.
-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
 photo README2.gif


Wednesday, August 16, 2017

the mighty pen

I started this about an hour and a half before midnight two nights ago.

I should probably be paying more attention.

I only found that because I couldn't keep a game server up and wasn't quite ready to pull my brain off the screen yet. As far as I can tell, a specific something kinda boomed in a particular couple of areas that was most likely Lexx related. Oh, nothing, just deep underneath the surface mining ores 'n stuff, glancing up...

I've started asking this question of a few people around me in real life and online- If you knew you could make $100,000 over the next 2 years, would you let anything stop you? And then when I move on to Would you let your depression stop you?, the response instantly lets me know they know exactly what I'm talking about.

I believe I am capable. I believe I have worthy material. My stats let me know once in awhile that other people think that, too. I have things to say that have garnered interest from nearly every country on the planet, some of the most specific hits coming in on posts leaning out over that not-quite-saying-it edge on religion and politics. Well, today it may have been about fandom freedoms and politics.

I don't share all of what I really think on blogs. As I inch closer and closer to hard copy print merch, it's becoming more clear how much impact I could possibly have. Original intention was to have impact, yes, but originally, I never even dreamed of how much impact just a few blog posts could have.

I love author bios. It's cool finding out that Orwell was unimaginably ill with tuberculosis as he was writing 1984. It's comforting finding out that a favorite book here or there took ten years to write. It's weird wondering what a generation or two after me would say if I ever really did make it. It's horrible thinking it will all go to the grave with me if I don't get this done.

I haven't been this emotionally and physically drained in years. Fatigued, yes. More crippled and suffering, yes. More sick and afraid, most definitely. But too tired to care... never. I don't recall ever reaching this point before. Even when I got close, anger would always push me back onto my path. I'm too tired to be angry any more.

Revenge is best served cold. I'm beginning to see a new interpretation of that. I think it's often meant more like a well-planned revenge works best when the temper flaring is out of the way. I'm wondering now if it could also mean revenge is best served when it is no longer even cared about. I'm noticing a new freedom growing in my mind. The tireder I feel, the less I worry about consequences or perfect timing or the money that's gone into it. By the time I get this done, I'll be so worn out that I'll still be a completely normal person living a normal life trying to get back into an occasional live tweet, like what I did never even happened. Big deal, right Neal? Oh yeah, that book thing. I'll be more concerned about how far behind I'm dragging on a TV show or whether I can keep up with other players on a game server.

Now it is today.

And I don't have much to say. Scratch that, I have reams in stack overflow. I've been writing on anything and everything I can lay hands on when tech is down and I'm spread thin across the maps. Back to school pens and spirals are my Christmas, all boiled down.

I'm to the point where I don't believe any author that actually manages to write on any kind of schedule at all has enough family life of some kind going on. #fam When I arrive to my deathbed, I definitely won't be regretting that I didn't stop continually over and over in the middle of paragraphs and sentences and thoughts to respond to people I care about on all sides coming to me for anything and everything.

The love is so very real. I hope to God I get this done.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

I brake for nothing

So 5 major life change things happened right after I made out a work schedule with a countdown for the end of August.

  • Bunny broke her arm.
  • We got strep.
  • @bonenado's work finally sold, after 3 years, and changes hands on Tuesday.
  • Bunny enrolled for pre-K in a local school, and that starts Wednesday.
  • I started a new and very different therapy schedule.

So we've been in nonstop transitioning and acclimating mode for the last 2 weeks, and this coming week is #ALLTHETHINGS rising to a great big crescendo.

And, of course, that's not even counting the whole week of internet browning out from more weather and the latest big W10 update that had me scuttling for disk space. And through THAT I managed to keep up with a game server economy flip and got my player shop updated. Somehow. Like by relogging every 5 or 10 minutes at several points, or rebooting the computer over again after hourly cache and temp wipes in between brownouts and disconnects. You know how many times I've seen this just trying to blog a little?

Clearly nothing stops me from doing what I want even when I'm caught in freeze frame. Me and Jawn irl, fighting over keyboard control. You didn't see me lose my internet connection after nearly every single sentence and then for 30 minutes straight just before posting. I'm having to finish on my phone.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Did you plug it in?

The struggle is real.

It's been a long week. I've been pro-wrestling the game server today just keeping internet long enough at a time to execute and complete one or two actions, such as properly signing a player shop chest or reaching a teleport destination before another abrupt disconnection. The brownouts have been so bad around the house that I could see the microwave dim just trying to make a cup of tea. We haven't actually lost electric at all, but it's like my whole house is on 1980 level power support, and my router is definitely feeling it. Blogger will go 4-5 minutes telling me it can't auto-save as I go, so imagine me pulling off not only keeping up with the economy flipping in game, but ramping my wealth from 25K to I think around 113K before I finally gave up awhile ago. Meanwhile, the continual brownouts assured that I'd be frustrated enough to spring out of my chair getting all the dishes and laundry caught up before the weekend.

And I'm having a headache.

I recently started another therapy schedule, this one focusing on cervical atlas and axis. I don't know why no one's ever thought of this before, but since I had a SEVERE whiplash when I was ejected from a car flipping at 19, no one's ever actually looked at it like this among the plethora of x-rays, CTs, and MRIs over the years for nasty trigeminal and cranial nerve pain and migraines that even had people doing random spinal taps on me. At any rate, getting a proper look at that area, if you are actually looking for it and at it, shows an off-balance tilt and a slight cockeyed compensation. Yes, the bones are actually not straight like they should be, which means the soft tissues around them are taking turns swelling and being squished. In short, everything below that point is at the mercy of the nerve trunk and nerves in that area being compressed. I lived with what one doctor called a sprained neck for over 2 decades, basically a permanent charlie horse that took physical therapy 4 1/2 years to get back to kinda normal because it evidently affected and referred down through shoulder, chest, and even leg. But it's still a compensatory kind of normal, meaning that I'm still using workarounds to fake being able to live normally, which has been really interesting as I've watched professionals discover I can't feel large parts of the right side of my body while the left side hurts quite badly, and they're telling me the right side is actually worse. Meanwhile, I've had problems swallowing for years, and have brought it up a few times with various doctors. I've had my entire face and head go completely numb. I've lived with nerve fail coming and going in my left eye (couldn't make tears for 3 years), left ear (unremitting stabbing pain in my ear drum), and crazy itchy spots that was all I could do not to tear my skin off for months, and this is the first time anyone has ever said hey, let's really look at this area.

So through the rest of August I will be doing very specific atlas therapy, followed with clinical TENS. Like any therapy, several hours or a couple of days following will have me feeling 'beat up', which is normal for every therapy I've ever been through. Pain reduction is the overall goal, but along the way, nerves are going to respond to every little thing as things change, and I know I will go through pain changes and some pain referring, and even if I'd say I actually experienced the pain level being lowered, I would still feel 'beat up' and sometimes cry. To me it's more like a relief cry, like when you're sick and start antibiotic and then feel gross as it kicks in, even though you know you're getting better.

Being an interactive emotionally well adjusted person during this kind of pain focus (on top of autism, which is a sensory overload issue at the heart of it) will be very challenging. I'll do my best, but if I grind any of you up into hamburger and feed you to rats and then grind the rats up to stuff into snake skins for kielbasa, please accept my apologies ahead of time, because you'll probably feel unforgiving later. Like I've said here and there in past posts, if I'm not talking to you, it's probably a good thing.

I'm getting an 'out of disk space' warning. Sorry, no youtube today. I don't even care, this week has been stupid with my laptop and the power brownouts.

Monday, August 7, 2017

like the old days

So I put "race of intergalactic beings without pinky fingers" into a search bar and came up with these goodies-

Get Along Without a Pinkie? It’s Tougher Than You Might Think 12-15-08 kinda old reflection during a suspected writer's block
ANCIENT ALIENS? Mummified three-fingered 'non-human corpse unearthed’ 6-22-17, rather fresh one here
Say goodbye to pinky toes 9-18-14 NOOOOOooooo

Why are you doing this, you ask. Because my internet is too slow and sucky for gaming, I reply. Oh, you say. Yes, it sucks, I say.

Three weeks till the big eclipse, guys. Hey, I stick up for the picked on. Also, click for more, because if you're reading Pinky blog, you're probably as bored as I am. #10 is awesome.

I just discovered that "panki y el guerrero" is a thing. Hm. Moving on. Oh, here we go, press the Bored Button. Meh. Wo, lol, I come up in an 'Elon Musk' search.

Ok, here you go. you're my lobster Not a clue in the world why that particular post got associated with Elon Musk in a search. The only time I even mention him here in Pinky blog out of over a thousand posts is on base reality. If someone dragged my writing into comments somewhere else, I guess thank you? Kinda weird how this one worked out.

I'm actually looking for the post I made once with all kinds of doo-dads to play around on. Super facepalm on it being impossible to find, even with all the tags I use.

Ok, I'm worn out now. I've looked and looked and finally just ran into this vid I salvaged on a Pinky post on Xanga. "I could easily write 10,000 words on the magic of the old days"... I'm going out on this one.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

in line for the #AprilUpgrade

I have no idea how I even got into the live tweet, much less pulled 5800+ impressions on a hot world live tweet with scattered hashtag feeds going a million miles an hour between less than 1 ms on internet ping speed with a nearly used up data plan on a nearly dead phone, but it felt sooooo gooooood. I've had better tweet nights, but it's been MONTHS, and I'm so hungry for a good run.

Right now I'm comparing that to chopping punkins on a server that rarely pulls over 30 people at a time... I really do miss the thrill-seeking. I'm wondering if I should take a hard look at my priorities again. I need to feel good about what I'm doing, and let's face it, the cost/benefits are eating me in a few ways. I love that I'm being creative, but I'm not loving that I'm disappearing. I love that I have a stress management diversion, I'm not loving that I'm using it to duck and hide.

I admit I've been a big bad jerk today. Well, mostly all in my head, but if it's all the same, guilty. I don't let myself reach the bottom center of the black hole of feeling selfish very often, but I went there today for a few minutes and very thoroughly disgusted myself. Then I beat myself up and shoved my face into a new playlist, and I was all fixed by the time Sharknado 5 came on.

I sometimes do that on antibiotic. First 24 hours I can be a real bitch. I managed to fold most of it back into myself before it could leak out anywhere, mostly because I'm seasoned enough to know I generally do a lot of apologizing later and it would be stupid of me to let it go there if I know it's coming, right? But I did whine in the last post, which is facepalm, so thank goodness everyone bailed mid movie because it's not their thing and went to bed. I'm afraid I'm the only real Asylum fan in the house, and I think this is the first of several years that I've missed so much live tweeting.

Anyway, here's where I shoved my head and by the time I was done with this, I was all better. (I don't self harm physically, but I do torture myself mentally. It works.) If you miss stalking me up to the minute and I seem down, you might see a new playlist popping up on my youtube page once in awhile, and that's me dealing, like this one appearing today. There you go.

'cross the river

a friend's screenshot
clicks to server site
I am intensely bummed out about the storms that came through this weekend wiping out my internet to the point of 30 seconds of game play between constant disconnect and the kind of browning out that takes a whole minute to load a page, like I'm on dialup from the old days. Calling around verified that it's a neighborhood thing and we're not alone. My phone plan also has about an hour left of heavy use available to share over 2 phones over the next 2 days, so... no live tweet tonight.

I haven't been this close to hate the whole world venom in a long time. A long time. I've been needing this so badly, I can't even tell ya.

I could go off on a rant about how 2017 blows and whatevs, but that's pointless and temporary. All you guys reading this who still drink, smoke, pop pain pills, and whatever it is you do, throw one down for me. I'm off to sulk, sans comforts. I doubt there is a single thing anyone could say to cheer me up right now, so I'm turning off the tech so I won't flay anyone with my mind through the webs.

It's been a tough year. Where's my playlist? I've got work to do.

automated plagiarism theft

"I singsong sadness into something productive." That popped into my head last night.

So this is happening. Wrastain's tools: Unlimited content for your website

WordAI, guys. As near as I can tell (and the Master is back, right on cue, not sure if it's related), Pinky blog is perfect fodder for auto rewrite. AUTOMATED PLAGIARISM THEFT IS THE LATEST ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE MONEY MAKING SCAM.

And since it's automated, even the 'author' of whatever article being sold doesn't know what they just ripped off, right, unless they're the ones setting it to certain material in the first place.

Auto blogging is the opposite of those next new singing star shows. Those shows rigorously enforce actual talent to the point of stardom. Auto blogging is like reproducing other people's talents into rubbish and selling it off as original material. Auto blogging super sucks for the entire planet because not only does it clog up multiple servers with redundant material, it also clogs up search engines and ultimately our brains. Words are becoming meaningless in an automated society.

I hope this post gets auto picked up, auto rewritten, and auto sold off over and over until it saturates the world, because that would be funny.

Here is one of the feedback comments on their site- "I have all of my writers using WordAi to rewrite content for me and they are each making me over $100 per day."

Do you see why I don't "write for" other people? I've been asked to write original articles for big sites, well, wouldn't be long until those articles were rewritten and reproduced on competitor sites. I still have extremely unique original material that never gets copied except by real life translators simply because I've never associated with a content curating site that funnels readers to specific content. Think about it- if Pinky blog is able to see this stuff in stats just because this has grown into a big blog (and I created all of this all by myself), imagine what a content curate site is able to see. I would be swarmed into oblivion by now if I had never remained rogue.

Other than thunderstorms taking out our internet, still got my fingers crossed for Sharknado tonight. If you don't see me in the live tweet, I'll actually not have internet. Also, if 'Sharknado' and 'live tweet' actually get picked up and rewritten along with this article, double funny, right. 😁

Friday, August 4, 2017

gloriously idiotic

*holding breath* Has it stopped?

That regular 'heartbeat' you see at the beginning of the last 7 days, what I termed the Master's knocking, completely died out over the last 24 hours. This is the first time in MONTHS I have seen normal stats, i.e. real people coming and going. Several posts on the auto hitting scored well over 1500 hits apiece (one wound up over 2000, but I think part of that was actual traffic from a special interest group), and I am still so calloused from seeing fake traffic that I can barely believe real people actually hit them, but I see once in awhile that they really do. Also must've gotten picked up on someone's content curator on the 1st, that spike the other day was a surprise post from the past that had nothing to do with the auto hitting, and surges continued through the day to one particular post. Since actual posting had gone completely dead during that time, I can't take any personal credit for that at all, so thank you to whoever.

I'm doing my best not to fall into the "I'm missing Syfy's  Sharknado Week with the Snarkalecs live tweeting" abyss, but last night I dove into the #ToxicShark feed for a few minutes and absolutely loved it. I miss that so bad. Sharknado 5: Global Swarming airs this coming Sunday night, and I. WILL. BE. THERE. I still think the Sharknado franchise is the most brilliant all-inclusive contract collection ever conceived. Check out Sharknado: Know Your Meme.

Meanwhile, not quite keeping up live with GoT and several other shows, catching up when we can.

I've gotta mention that I finally caught a possible Stan Lee nod on Doc McStuffins. In one particular special hour-long episode titled Welcome to McStuffinsville, we learn that Grandma shares in Doc's secret and gives her a 'toysponder' disguised as a bandaid that transports them to a world of toys, and Doc is promoted to head of the toy world hospital. Along the way, there is a broken toy named Stanley who plots to break lots of toys in order to make new friends that will have to hang out with him. At one point a giant magnet is turned on, entrapping toys containing metal, and Stuffy turns to him saying, "Not cool at all! Stanley, you don't have to do this!", and Stanley replies, "I do, Stuffy. I do." I've seen that ep a few times because it's in Bunny's top ten, and today I happened to be looking away from the screen when that line came through, and I heard it- "Stan Lee, you don't have to do this!" and immediately flashed back on all the cool evil villain scenes, and everything about Stanley clicked perfectly into Stan Lee's superhero wisdom and how villains originate. The scene was absolutely perfect, and if you're a Marvel fan, just *wow*. I loved it. Oh, look, I found it on youtube. See if you think it sounds like Stuffy says "Stan Lee" at that spot, about a minute into this.

My brain is on Hyper Active right now, so I'm slinging thru some new uploads.

And some old ones.

Those of you who envisioned me sitting here buried in youtube, I've jumped up from this chair 8 times since I started this post, and paused each of the vids at least 5 times. Live blogging. I'm not sure how Sunday evening will go, but I've announced to my family that I'll be camped in the livingroom with my tech rolling thru live tweet feeds that will not stop for anything, and I imagine I provoked every Loki in the multiverse just saying that. That means any and all of the following list could happen during my attempt to focus on something I enjoy for 2 hours straight-

  • death (srsly, how many times has someone in my vicinity DIED {or nearly died} right after I actually announced something, and y'all know I've got the blogs to prove it)
  • dismemberment (hey, if a chainsaw accident can happen within an eighth mile of me on Father's Day, anything can happen)
  • epic natural disaster (how many times has Missouri flooded this year?)
  • epic tech fail (I will be risking a 4 year old {and other adults} walking by with liquids that hopefully have tightly sealed lids on them)
  • epic facepalm (drama never stops, and if ANYONE jolts my family into sadness in the middle of my joy {looking at YOU, ex idiot}, I will def make you famous)
  • various and sundry odds and ends just simply going wrong, because that's what the cosmos DOES

During that list I completely stopped for something else and then got up 2 more times. Start placing your bets on whether I actually get to live tweet Sharknado 5. 😁

I need to make Sunday a party day. I'll hafta think of some fun food.

I'm thinking chocolate pie with an ocean meringue. I may not get much more creative than that if I keep sidetracking into other stuff.

Most of all, I miss live tweeting my fave TV doctor who, by the way, actually has a medical degree. Wild veer down a youtube path there. See ya.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

back to conspiracy school

You know how you wake up on a Thursday thinking it's Monday? No? Nevermind.

Yes, eight days since I posted here last. Many things have happened.
  • @bonenado cleaned out a thriving black widow nest full of thousands of hatching babies from under Bunny's slide. Innocent childhood joy, gone. She also went to the fair and saw lots of cool farm animals and hit the carnival rides. Aaaaaand a few days later she fractured her arm about half an inch above the wrist when a climbing adventure went all wrong. Turns out gravity. Yeah, we're learning basic physics. They don't teach you that stuff on PJ Masks. I blame Luna Girl.

  • It's not all Bunny stuff. I had a stupid reaction to mustard and did a 4-day pred burst that resulted in a super sweet pain cessation while I was on it, so I had a really fun day out shopping with the kids for the first time in months. That, in turn, is resulting in Bunny being super thrilled that it's all about getting her own super cute bathroom remodel upstairs. Wait, it's about Bunny... hm.

  • I didn't want to throw away some strawberries (that I bought for Bunny), so I invented a new pie that is barely being nibbled and will wind up in many more ingredients being thrown out, as well. Hey, go big, right. I'll leave you to wonder how it all got purple. There's cream cheese in there, though, so maybe it's ok. Oh, someone ate more, surprise.

  • Back to school shopping! That was exciting. I got an awesome new mouse, a cool new t-shirt, an actual real dress blouse (from China!), and new curriculum. I have a stack of conspiracy fiction books my dad would be thrilled to believe were true. I've been too busy minecrafting to actually open them, but they're there in case the bug bites. Oh, yeah, Bunny got stuff, too. I'm very envious of her lunchbox.

  • Some of you are wondering if Papa ever gets anything. Bunny got him a unicorn shirt for his birthday, sweet.

  • I may hafta do something really nice for him this weekend. We'll be married 24 years on Saturday. Maybe I'll harvest some extra punkins on Mo Creatures and buy him a Fortune III enchantment book. Too bad we can't get stuff like that in real life. I refuse to buy lottery tickets on general principle. He's been donating to wealthy winners for 2 decades now, but I think it should stay more local, like maybe donating to a chiropractor for all those years spent in college helping people recover from, oh I dunno, falling out of trees... We still debate over strength of will vs injuries and arthritis issues.

  • Wait, are we done bullet pointing? I need to run out the door, see ya.
In honor of both back to school and the poor souls who Facebook shamed, I think we should all take a quick education look at human education. Personally, I think flat vs round is blown apart with a big smash of holographic string theory that will itself eventually become quaint, but that's a whole silly blog post unto itself. I believe I hypertorused a cat once...

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

I could blame all of 2017 on Jeff, actually

"I cannot heal heart, soul, mind, and body while I'm focusing on orchestrating a cheering section for execution festivals." -me

I think that is worth restating once in awhile. No reason.

I've received notice from Google that my "Dare" Lexx Sex Survey can no longer be supported on tumblr. There were 3 specific notations, but each of them clicked to details that were extremely vague and nonspecific. I can't tell if my content material has been hacked and redirects outside of my own web empire, but I'm not at all surprised photobucket might be at the heart of it. This wouldn't be the first time that linking from photobucket caused problems. I can't tell if the post was reported or not, and I wasn't asked to remove the content, but the ultimatum is that particular post will no longer be eligible for AMP (Accelerated Mobile Pages)-related features in Google Search. I got ticced 'critical' for invalid stylesheet, invalid layout property found in AMP tag, and prohibited or invalid use of HTML tag. Since I pasted that html directly over from blogger, which is a Google supported format, I'm not understanding what they're pointing out, but from the laborious difficulties I've had with tumblr since I made one, I can only assume that tumblr is the real problem here. And if it was someone reporting content, then I'm really surprised it took so long.

So Bunny is 4 now and there is joy throughout the land. We work on 'homework' sometimes, and she's getting pretty good at doing those cute workbooks you can pick up for pre-K. I've started letting her press the arrow keys to make me move directions in Mo Creatures while I do the steering, but she bumps the 1 a lot when she gets excited and we nearly chopped her bunny in half with my enchanted sword (because it's in first position, if she had pressed 2 it would have been my silver sword for werewolves, 3 my pickaxe, 4 my tree axe, 5 my shovel, 6 my bow and arrows, 7 a block of cobble, 8 a mutton steak, and 9 a torch, but 1 is right by the forward arrow button, egads). I told her be careful so we don't kill the pets, and instantly she was like KILL ALL THE PETS, and I'm all NOOOOOOoooooo... I may have to get her onto singleplayer on a tablet we have around the house. Anyone else know a 4 year old playing minecraft?

I really screwed up my CPAP last night ripping it off in my sleep, so I'm intermittently trying to make up time wearing the mask while I play this morning to make up the 4 hour minimum requirement for insurance. I've got 30 more minutes to go. Night before last, no problem, 6 1/2 hours, so whatever happened last night, no idea. I'm going with 'abducted by Jeff' (People of Earth).

Tomorrow is @bonenado's birthday. I made a birthday pie. I think that's the first time I've ever made an apple pie with confetti sprinkles. Bunny is really big on sprinkles.

I'm in dual mode lately, super bumbly and disconnected on the outside, super focused and humming along quietly on the inside. Still having problems with my feet, and the only way I can handle walking at all is in athletic shoes. The second they're off it's like I have different feet. I discovered yesterday that this complaint goes clear back to March, so that's pre-baclofen and I can't keep blaming the med for me noticing it more, another plus for somewhat daily blogging or journaling, guys. All I know for real is that after Christmas I started asking for med help and it's backfired twice, but underneath it all the nerve problems continue no matter what I do or try. So I'm kinda relaxing and going with ok, we're either in a setback year or defaulting into a new progression, but the important thing is that I'm still functioning on my own and still mostly keeping up with the basics around the house. I even cleaned floors this last weekend and recovered more quickly than expected, so something is still going right. I'm eating salads several times a week, getting more raw veg in my diet kind of thing (I love cauliflower and radishes) and I super avoided all the bad birthday carbs, so I haven't done any crashing through all this stuff. We're all noticing that using my laptop in bed is helping my stress levels a LOT. It keeps my legs up, keeps me resting, and keeps me out of the way while other people do the fretting, lol. I'm able to hopefully keep being a nicer person like this. I'd almost feel weird about all this 'bed rest' except that I've stopped taking naps now with the CPAP, so if I'm not laying down during the days like I used to, what's the difference if I'm sitting in bed working or at least accomplishing tasks on a game server, right?

That is the hayfield across the street from my house. Those weeds along the street are as tall as my head. My allergies this year are horrible. I wonder why... lol. The guy that originally owned that used to keep it all mowed down and it was really beautiful. He got old and finally died, last we heard the lot had sold, and since that lot is empty we assumed a house would be going up. Well, that was a couple years ago and we haven't seen anything since, and the field is neglected. The deer love it. So do the other critters. Big snake year, must be a boom in mice.

So I'm working on the whole big picture now with my psychologist, why Pinky showed up, how 'we' all tied together after blowing apart for so long, pretty much the story of psychological scarring and healing as a person on autism spectrum. It's complicated and full of sad-scary-funny and very soon now I hope it's a real thing on shelves. I've been 'out' as autistic for over ten years now, and out since about 2014 or so about all my internet history.

I had a weird mental picture yesterday of running into a particular person (not from around my area or family) again if I wind up traveling for marketing or something and how that could conceivably blow up into a big deal, and then I started wondering if that guy is still even alive since he was taking over another drug lord's territory in a huge city when he was still only 17 years old, already on the run from another state. I mean, would it be awkward? I used to hang out with him and his girlfriend and watch TV in their apartment. I have a long list of people I wonder about, many of them either off the grid or living double lives or simply just cut off from former families and friends because huge life changes over orientations and stuff. Other people I simply just haven't kept up with but still find on the webs apparently living pretty normal lives. People are people are people.

Friday, July 21, 2017

love today

Played around again, so now this blog is verified as my property through TrustedSite. If I forked out about $30 a month (dreaming), all my stuff could be verified all in one place like that. It's one thing to have separate social media verifications and authentications, but to be able to pull everything I've ever done online into the whole lump would be marvelous. Gravatar (WordPress) and Google+ use their own verification systems, but site verification is still easy to fake unless all your accounts share the same phone number and email address and you've got them all locked into 2-step security. It's not enough any more to be able to log in anywhere by connecting your Facebook account. Anyone can stake your claim behind your back saying they're you, but they can't hook onto your verified linked hub disguised as one of your user accounts once you've locked them down. Ten years ago that was a piece of cake and everyone was doing it. Anyone and their dog can use multiple free email addresses to create a hundred different accounts across medias, forums, blogs, and games. I steer very widely clear of that. I'm done scattering myself like debris across a minefield.

Right now I'm just tired. It's very hot out, and me and heat don't get along. I'm ahead of ragweed season because of the nettles family, so I'm already doing both zyrtec and benadryl round the clock just to keep from ripping my eyelids clear off. That's not why I'm tired, though. I'm one of those people who can get hyper on benadryl. We're also passing around some kind of weird bug that is making us all feel nauseated and wiped out, but not much else going on with symptoms. I was ready to go curl up in bed at 6 p.m. last night.

In the meantime, my punkin patch is up and running full force, over 2000 punkins strong and the growth rate so much better on the new vanilla server than the custom biomes world that is soon to be deleted because the lag got so bad. On the custom server I was able to harvest about 2000 punkins twice a day. Now I'm doing it twice a morning and again in the afternoon AND working on builds and my player shop in between. Ok, and that in between chores, I don't just sit there the whole time. You know me, always popping out of my chair to do something else.

Speaking of, almost back to normal after the baclofen withdrawal thing. I know, it's been what, about 3 weeks since I finally stepped off a 7 week taper? Geez. Anyway, I'm actually doing mild workouts again, and definitely back on the muscle stretches and nerve glosses. This morning is spa therapy. Took me 3 visits to adapt to that from physical therapy, very different, and actually way more rigorous even on low maintenance because it covers more ground in one visit. But I'm loving the entire spine thing laying on one side and then the other, that never happened in 5 years of physical therapy, and I think it's vitally been keeping me on my feet through all that baclofen crap. I seriously wonder if I had a systemic nervous system flare or something because that was incredibly debilitating, to the point of barely being able to walk for several weeks, and that's ON a pill that's supposed to make life easier. I'm way better again without it, just embracing the pain lifestyle again.

And that includes arms, I'm afraid, but I was noticing yesterday that even with the nagging nerve pain and dropsies, I was stronger doing stuff and not having to crash into recovery time. I actually got 2 watermelons into the house without losing my arms and hands the rest of the day, so something's working, and I think it's the spa therapy on my spine. I'm on every other week visits right now, so that's twice a month maintenance. I'm still puny running around town, so glad the local post office got a new auto door in that doesn't rely on faulty buttons any more. Those doors were hella heavy, and I know I don't look disabled, but you try being ejected from a car sometime and living with nerve fail in your arms. Getting through a door is nearly impossible sometimes, and the pain doing it is incredible. I don't cry until I get back into my car, but who can tell with my sunglasses on. I'm just thrilled I'm still able to walk into the post office and check my own box by myself, you know?

Wordy words this morning. It's time for me to get moving into the shower and then out the door.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

your shoes don't lie

My fave shows this year so far are Gotham, Killjoys, Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, Dark Matter, and The Flash in that order. I'm really burned out on Blindspot, just can't follow Tom beyond The Blacklist (sorry Tom, love ya, pal), and can't even pretend to care about a whole list of shows @bonenado sticks with. I'm loving the new 25th anniversary SyFy logo thing and can't wait for live Comic Con coverage starting tonight and Sharknado 5: Global Swarming in the queue.

Our brains feel rent and the entertainment industry happily fills the rend with a yin & yang that filter into the torn bits. It's pretty much action hero vs the apocalypse. For the less aware there are dance musicals, love dramas, and family sitcoms.

From How to Tell Whether You've Got Angst, Ennui, or Weltschmerz

Weltschmerz, German for “world pain,” was also coined during the Romantic Era and is in many ways the German version of ennui. It describes a world weariness felt from a perceived mismatch between the ideal image of how the world should be with how it really is. In German philosophy it was distinguished from pessimism, the idea that there is more bad than good in the world, because while pessimism was the logical conclusion of cool, rational philosophical pondering, weltschmerz was an emotional response. Though weltschmerz and ennui are pretty close synonyms, ennui foregrounds the listlessness brought on by world weariness (it can also be a term for more simple boredom), and weltschmerz foregrounds the pain or sadness. There is perhaps a greater sense of yearning in weltschmerz (part of the pain is that the sufferer really wants the world to be otherwise). Also, as an English word, weltschmerz is not as common as ennui, so there are fewer connotations about the type of person that comes down with it. Its very German sound (that “schm”!) makes it seem more serious and grim than ennui.

Do you have sadness in your heart for the world that can never be and sensible shoes? You’ve got weltschmerz.

I've been saying for years that we live in a golden age for world entertainment. I don't believe a time will ever come again in human history like the time we live in now. By that I mean human expression is at an all-time freedom, and I don't expect it to last in a politically fragile world. That makes the weltschmerz all the more precious to me in expressions like this.

Lyrics from JpopAsia

*Pandora's glass bottle, Helena's magic mirror
the stars in the sky, the eyes on Earth
no one will ever understand the true meaning (about life)
lost in the enchanted forest, the prince foolishly awakes
the bewitching era, the angelic mood
who shall grab hold of your palm (to lead you to safety)

open your eyes and recognize the confusion in this mortal world
naiveness is but a lie, promises are but regrets
so why not let me kiss your neck (like a vampire)
and take away the blood/life which you do no need within you

# chorus
dear prince, dont be afraid
I shall convey to you satans loving message
the devil has opened one eye, anyway
God has closed one eye, anyway
no one shall want to change this world
dear prince, dont cry anymore
from now on you wont feel lonely
no feeling, no sensation, just enjoy this disillusionment

repeat * #

then you shall have no more hope
then you shall not be hurt anymore
then you shall gain the power
life is but a dark fairytale

Credit:www.chinesemusicblog.com[edit]Last edit by BrokenDoll on Wednesday 23 Dec, 2009 at 12:42 +100%[/edit]

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

dragons are not shy

One of those bring a sandwich kind of posts.

There is a very big difference between shyness and reticence. I'm not at all shy. I am so obnoxiously forward that I embarrass people. I myself don't embarrass easily because I'm acutely unaware in the first place. (Everyone who knows me in real life is vigorously nodding.)

Reticence is "a lack of willingness or desire to do or accept something" according to Merriam-Webster. If I am reticent about something like joining in a convo or going somewhere with a group, it has a lot more to do with being able to see a long list of disastrous consequences from blown off misunderstandings and me becoming agitated, if not severely pissed (making whatever problems arise much worse since I'm not good at real time feels), and has absolutely nothing to do with anything shyness is automatically connected to. Shyness is about being too aware of peers and an inward difficulty with handling one's own feels about other people's possible feels, maybe even a sort of dread. The only thing I dread is coming to my senses with bloody skin in my mouth. I'll believe I'm simply explaining something and the recipient will feel shredded and never be friends with me again.

Over the last 5 years since I've come back out public, I've been invited to several introvert groups and lumped into the 'shy' thing multiple times, based solely on minimal observations, leaps to conclusions, and shortcut explanations. I know it's difficult for some to understand that jumping to a word like 'shy' as a shortcut for 'extremely reticent about commitment to interaction that I know could turn sour with me as the bad guy' makes me kinda crabby because it automatically denotes a whole slew of behaviorisms not like me at all, but there we go, for lack of better verbiage in a quick way, what the hell, I'm shy. 😠

The truth is that I am a stupid person. Really stupid. And I'm not shy at all about owning this. In fact, I think it's crucial to understanding why I'm NOT shy. My social intelligence quotient (the capability to effectively navigate and negotiate complex social relationships and environments), called an SQ, is so bad that I constantly misinterpret not just social signals, but everything being said in the actual words because typical humans don't use words logically but emotionally. Most people have an inbuilt translator that interprets all the incoming into how one should behave in response. Basically, a bunch of happy bubbly people on a road trip will have gone silent long before they've dropped me off, and I usually won't have a clue why.

As far as I can tell, it begins with me not behaving properly, and they receive the wrong signals from me. If I'm not bubbling along with a bubbly group, they automatically think something is wrong. If I'm being quiet, someone might think I don't like them or I'm not having a good time. If a brave soul tries to interpret FOR ME to the group without having any kind of real clue, I'll become hostile without even realizing it, and I've been told I even scare people, which confused me for years because I've heard this even when I didn't feel angry or raise my voice in any way. I think it's because I can twist blunt truth through emotional guts like a hot knife through butter and completely miss the empathy part while I'm doing it. It usually hits me a few days later and I quietly die in a corner all alone facepalming, because by then it's usually long beyond repair.

This is my point of view on how humans see things. Apologies to the friend I'm using as an example, but it's spot on. A dog can be really cute tilting its head and looking at you funny. Personally, I don't see 'cute' when I look at animals. I grew up with animals and can read them very well. So a person sent me a pic one day of a dog and was all awww, and I was like are you sure the dog is feeling ok? And sure enough, within the hour the dog puked big time. Why I was able to get that from a picture, and a person living with the dog couldn't see it?

If humans can misinterpret a pet, they can certainly misinterpret me. A glance at a person doesn't mean anything unless you really know that person. You cannot tell by looking at someone or by how they're behaving whether they are suffering something inside that you can't see. I worked retail for years, and many people go shopping to relieve stress. You never know when a person is hiding fear of a dental appointment, or sadness and dread about an upcoming funeral, maybe even just lost a baby, and when they snap at you in a check out or return line, you can't assume they are always hateful and mean like that. Well, you can, you can assume all the shallow you want.

Deep down we are all hiding something. When I am surrounded by bubbly people, I don't for one second believe they are happy just because they are bubbly. I don't believe they aren't shy just because they're behaving like they're not. I believe the quickness to judge the outer cover is an automatic defense mechanism that most people don't even realize they are utilizing to justify their own points of view on how they think something in the world around them should be. Many people behave in response to perceived peer pressure, real or imagined, and go along with the bubbly bit because they're supposed to. I don't think most people are even cognizant of this process, stepping into rhythm with others like that. I'm very aware of it because I don't seem to have the wherewithal to get into step in the first place.

I don't pretend well. I don't play 'happy' to an audience very well. I can't keep up the tone, the rhythm, and the banter and still keep up with the convo. That doesn't mean I'm not enjoying the convo. That doesn't mean I'm shy about talking. That only means I have a cognitive disability to juggle all the eggs in a social situation without dropping any. I could care less what someone thinks of this, and it doesn't hurt my feelings at all to be the autie on the fringe, but I cringe when I hear "she's shy". I especially hate when it backfires and full attention turns on me to oh don't be shy we won't hurt you. That has really happened. The irony is how close they come to a tiger claw in the ol' jugular when that happens.

If I quietly sit on the side of a convo, believe me, I am enjoying the people doing the talking. If I weren't, like if I were bored or not interested, I'd be gone really fast. I don't hang in there for chatter I'm not interested in. I actually miss a lot of chatter I *am* interested in because I can't keep up with all that. My incoming pile for 'talking' lasts about an hour, tops. After that, nothing makes sense any more because my real time starts lagging and skipping. When that starts happening, I tend to drop off because it doesn't make sense trying to be polite going drrrdrrr in my brain. That's not a reflection on the people doing the talking at all. That's my brain.

Yes, I do feel like I miss a lot. Yes, sometimes I do wish I could jump in and keep up. Yes, once in awhile I feel a little sorry for myself. But you know what? I have a sweet advantage over a lot of chatty people. I remember what I've audio processed for a very long time. It's like how I can remember something I've seen on twitter years ago and find the timestamp. I said something to someone just this week about such and such, and they'd already forgotten that only 2 days before they'd said such and such, and suddenly it was almost a weird insult coming out of my mouth because they had no context and thought I was being snotty instead of adding to something funny after the fact.

I wouldn't trade that kind of memory for any amount of bubbly happy. I like that I remember the people I listen to, and I like that I can see discomfort behind staying in step with social pressure. The empathy I've learned has come from the outside like this, and sometimes I can tell when someone might need to puke and keeps smiling anyway and no one else ever picks up on it. I may not be able to pretend, and I may not be able to keep up, but I'm human too, and I know there's a lot more underneath words flying over my head and behind cute faces looking at me.

Wild subject change, but one I deal with daily and so I think about this a LOT. Time passes, people forget, I don't feel time passing right, I don't forget...

I'm blocking out a little background chaos at the moment, getting through this in snatches as I can. 2+M views can't be wrong.

Monday, July 17, 2017

use commandeer and cartoony in a title about avoidance behaviors #amwriting

Started yesterday afternoon.

click for good times
Ok, back to real life. The last 6 or so weeks of uber stress feels like it's settling into a wonderful mundane routine again, and I hope I didn't just jinx it because that's usually how the next wild ride starts, with me noting how delicious boredom feels.

Go, click and get lost. I did.
I'm not really bored, far from it, but I'm thankfully not feeling frustrated, which I think was spiked by meds. One thing I talked about with psyche guy this month was how roller coasting through this year's nerve pain meds seemed to break open my depersonalization/dissonance, which I suppose could be a natural side effect, but when a person is already gear switching as a coping method, enhancing it isn't necessarily a good thing. Anyway, I know I've been overstating a lot lately, but soooo glad I'm off the baclofen and the withdrawal is finally over.

Well... Lambie (Doc McStuffins) singing in the background while I write this makes me feel a bit on the crazy side, so I'm trying to ignore it. Settling my brain into the toddler brain pool has its perks, but trying to brain real life with that kind of background going is maddeningly distracting.

I nearly didn't come back from this click.
Bunny is in the other room asking for a cell phone for her birthday. She's going to be 4... Pretty sure she'd be a twitter tycoon in no time.

K, I was gone for half an hour that time. Good luck.
I know, right? Game of Thrones marathon getting the world pumped up for the new season tonight and we're watching tiny tot toons. And my internet keeps browning out, so it's killing game time. Got all the laundry done, though. Oh wait, I hear Toy Story 3. *runs off*

And the internet promptly died. Now it's today.

I may as well accept that I'm probably not going to be on board the live tweet train for awhile, possibly the rest of the year. I tried getting on twitter last night and the GoT onslaught was brutal so I just shut it all off. I remember the year I completely missed the very last season of TNG because life and kids, pre-DVR and even pre-satellite option for 2 channels at once in the same house. Years passed before I ever saw the rest of TNG.

Today is my 6 month equipment check for CPAP, so it's kinda like Christmas. I've gotta get to town so I can pick up all kinds of goodies. I'm being a very good girl and playing the compliance game correctly, so insurance is still paying for everything. I just have to keep my scores 70% or higher. I was doing better with hitting 80s more often but the baclofen withdrawal really threw me. Now I'm having to retrain my sleep again.

Last night's dreams were pure stress about getting the book out. So many people were in my dream, like a huge extended family (but mostly people I had no clue I was even related to), and we were all under a time crunch to get to an airport. I was handed my tickets and told the plan 2 hours before take-off, and I was trying to get a shower and get packed and people milling around this huge house and all my stuff kept getting scattered and one of the really older ones got in a car for a drive with a neighbor but left a note on an acorn (??? I probably follow too many squirrels on twitter), and the last thing I remember was one main guy who kinda looked like Michael Douglas in his younger days kept fussing at me about something, and when he finally laid on the floor blocking a door I needed to get through and all I had was a towel, a camel casually walking up the hall stopped and shat all over him and his nice suit, and I woke up laughing.

I reeeeeally wanna get that book out in the next 6 weeks. I'm hoping to have it organized enough to bypass the editor and go straight to publish, which means hard copy will be available around the world in a week flat, and it'll be up to me to get the big push going while they're available.

I wanna curl up in a bathtub full of coffee and melted chocolate and hide on a minecraft server.

This song has been stuck in my head for 2 days straight.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

ixnay on the elfsay imstay

Stuff happened this week.

click for the thread
Wonder if that would happen a lot more if I'd boost this post. I've never boosted a post on Facebook, but I probably will once the book comes out. One of these will click to the twitter link, which already has over 400 impressions in less than 12 hours, the other will click to its new Autisable home.

And I really don't know if that had anything to do with waking up to a Google Alert that Janika Banks has been added to a German white pages listing on Denmark internet.

This is translated.

And I wanted to see if that's a real thing, and sure enough, comes up on page 3 in a Google search for Janika Banks. Brand new out of the bag.

A couple of years ago someone told me they were going to write up my Wikipedia page, and I laughed and said sure, go ahead. No one really has yet, but for some reason I've either been auto-boosted into legitimate search or manually entered by someone on a job or weirdly obsessed. I'm going with auto boost for now. There are so many automated info pages out there I could claim (traity was dumb, I had it for awhile and let it go), but that's way too much work.

Like I told a friend privately a few days ago- "If I don't get my crap done by end of summer, I'm an idiot. My launch platform has never been more visible."

So I get a porn boost right on top of #netneutrality, crack me up, and then I get a major Google Alert on top of my self-stim post. Never in any parallel dimension did I wildly dream of sex selling anything about Janika Banks. Wow.

:edit: Space Cowboy suggests putting pretty girls in vids to sell merch. Pretty sure some of us are in it for the actual music, so here you go.

Also, this is a thing. I have lifetime potential earnings of $33, crack me up. Bet that would change real quick if I could get some of my friends talking with me about Lexx and stuff. Anyway, you can get into this and click around, kinda fun checking out other channels. Very handy.