In the last 3 days I've managed to catch up on Gotham, Walking Dead, South Park, The Flash, and Superstore, bawled my eyes out over Guardians of the Galaxy 2, and finally did my second rewatch of Doctor Strange. I've also caught a few friends' podcasts and video series. This is on top of hours on server moderating while staying caught up with dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, and web presence on several levels.
I think doubling the gabapentin was a good idea. I was smart this time, though. I researched other people complaining on med forums and titrated up slowly over a week and was able to adjust better than the way I was slammed into triple the dose last year.
Now that my brain is kinda able to handle more with some of the pain load cut down, here are some observations.
South Park is our only hope for humankind.
Ego was a dick. That was basically a modernized Zeus story, nicely done.
Iris was the cutest Flash, I'm sad that didn't stick a little while longer. I was looking forward to Harry's brain melt, even sadder they didn't go there. Yet. Crossing my fingers they do. Also, I want Star Labs mugs and sweatshirts now.
Nygmobblepot needs its own spinoff.
Amy and Jonah are the first actual canon ship I have ever rooted for, ever.
Seeing blue 'Merle' just before Daryl was head spinning, and why in the world is no one shooting Simon, wtf. Oh, yeah, because they're stupid. Like always.
I can tell a huge difference in my real time brain function from last year's Doctor Strange watch to this year's. Still healing.
A little experiment weekend before this last showed I still have a lot of difficulty with audio processing in real time while juggling other things, so minecraft server live stream events are a great way to both assess and practice that. I was able to handle split screen and server chat, but unable to respond well to audio chat and at one point was utter fail at comprehension and following directions. I'm fortunate my compadres are exceptionally kind.
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I'm on my phone in bed now. I just noticed this blog has had over 600 views from 3 foot or bigger screens. You guys crack me up. Srsly, who even does that.
Can't let a screen that big go to waste now, can we? You can watch Benny while I go to sleep, lol.
This screenshot is from theMo Creaturesserver, so it clicks back to the website.
This week got pretty rough, so by Wednesday I gave myself the rest of the week off. I was bummed out not knowing what to do with the dive into sad, so I told admin it was a rough week and suddenly found myself being invisibly caked up and fireworks going off all around me, which helped lift my mood up a bit because it was such a funny surprise. After that I hung out with staff going all pyro watching a build copy burn. It felt right.
After that I played around creating single player worlds with forge and the Mo Creatures mod pack. I super cranked up the ores.
And then I took my cue from Bunny, just started spawning colorful things like birds
and butterflies.
That helped, too. And then I spent Thursday on the server mining out the rest of a pit down to bedrock
A lawyer showed up to check on my XP grinder, citing reckless containment of dangerous fugitives.
and killing a bunch of mobs, which also felt good. This guy lost his cowboy hat.
In between times I went on youtube binges, some good, some bad. Started with the usual Space Cowboy, wandered into #bencongruity, and next thing you know I'm bouncing back and forth from weird stuff to 80s oldies but it kept me distracted pretty well. If you're having one of those days, here you go, part of my vid trail. If you trigger easily or don't care for Benny C, you might wanna skip some of these. Let this first one be a warning to you.
I blame this one for triggering the 80s mood.
And next thing you know, there I went. This actually is a pretty good video.
I will be a Corey fan till the day I die. He is braver than anyone I've ever seen in Hollywood.
A lot of 80s music looks so experimental now in highsight. The whole MTV thing.
I mean, you gotta laugh, but seriously. I look back and see how staged all our music genres have been. Planned.
And now we literally have a decade of movies spelling all the stuff out for us. This movie alone completely normalized the entire thing without anyone raising a single eyebrow, not to mention completely screwed google search for certain phrases and word combos. Like magic... Still, makes for super awesome fanvid material. (And that's the point, isn't it? Ben caught you.) Ironically, the official official website of the real real people went live on the cusp of this movie. Everyone seemed to miss that timing.
This wasn't creepy at all. O_O The helicopter shot of those buildings, though. After seeing this, I'm laughing that the rest of the world kept trying to say 'conspiracy'. That's as real as it gets.
Because depending on who wins, one day we'll be able to buy this kind of stuff, where we want to recreate our lives, hand ourselves over to be 'fixed', and turned loose to feel better without having to think about what happened to us and what was required. If it beats depression, who cares, right? I'm betting it won't be that long till people line up for the brain chips. (In case you need a quick diversion before you go on, I used to talk a bit more about that kind of stuff.) The first human brain-to-brain interface has been created. In the future, will we all be linked telepathically?
That was the only screenshot I got from last night's #latenightmovie watch with @LNMGang in the SyfyDesigns chatroom. I think I bailed with only 15 minutes to go because I'd been up nearly 24 hours. I was back up an hour later to help with Bunny puke, so there you go.
I'm kind of in an in-between state elsewhere because I need to re-download updated game files before I can even get in to moderate, plus not sure what's happening with possibly another trip to urgent care this weekend and stuff, nevermind my own week long coughing AFTER I was cleared for influenza after a prior week of swilling in germs all around me while I chunked down tamiflu. I was reading last night that at least 3 different influenza strains are going around the U.S. right now, and that the type A is the one everyone is saying 10% about with the shot, all the rest are much better percentages, so don't blow off the flu shots as worthless yet. I can't remember if I had a trivalent or quadrivalent but so far I haven't gone down super hard, not a speck of fever yet, and likely the deep chest coughing as much to blame on super pollen surge and resulting uber goober sinus infection, BUT I'm exhausted, as you can imagine. I'm not sure I can handle another Bunny day off from school without crying, between all the weather and sick days.
So I diverted into Screenshot Land this morning. I moved and deleted 80-something screenshots, and I'm about to dump a bunch of movie gang screens in here so I can delete those, too. I don't always share what I got, but maybe today is the day for it.
We watched this movie on January 13th.
Proof that Kurt is supernatural, and possibly demonic.
You can see we were all over the map on how far we were into the movie. We're a jolly bunch.
Remember this lesson, kids. If you ever find yourself in a building with Paul Reiser, flee the building asahp. (As Soon As Humanly Possible.)
Oh, yeah, ketchup bottle shopping. That was fun.
Where else do you casually talk fashion and how people are cooked? Oh, yeah, Bohemian Grove. Welp, guess me and gang are cutting edge.
Imagine being in an alt dimension where bad script writing had never developed into an art form. We'd be so lost.
Reference to the 12 Monkeys series that no one got, lol.
I can't help feeling that particular really bad movies are like an initiation ritual into underground Hollywood or something. I mean, now that we have conspiracy hindsight. Not accusing anyone in this movie of anything, but how in the world does stuff like this even get marketed, you know. Someone somewhere sacrificed a chicken.
Ok, that was all I got on that one. Now let's jump to January 20th. Kinda giggling over how people wonder about someone subs to them over and over and they can't figure out why.
Disclaimer- you don't want me watching porn with you. I ruin it. I can't help it. No one can finish anything with me laughing my head off over every stupid little thing. I'm as aro ace as it gets. I also find it redundant and therefore hideously boring, so don't bug me to watch with you.
I'll be honest, I got a little tired of the dog. He talked too much.
Lisa's comment flew over everyone's heads, which really surprised me. I think I noticed it because I always say I suck as a friend.
Oopsie, caught me in another window there. Sorry about that. Have fun trying to decipher chat.
I can imagine a future where we talk casually on medias about who we ate or fed to our dog. I think even nice people are just like that. Once you cross that line, right.
Sad Kurt was sad. I think we broke him. Also, totes missed catching the Jedi jokes.
The 70s weren't innocent at all, guys. Ok, moving on to February 10th. I did a horrible job getting screenshots on this one because I was so busy yapping on skype, my bad. Oh, I have never owned gargoyle sox.
First movie up there was mind control junk, next one was a building serial killing people, then feeding a girlfriend to a dog, and now this is interspecies breeding with aliens. I really should've been on the screenshots but this is the last one I got, and I am so, so sorry. I'm starting to get the bigger picture, though, that Lisa Marie is part of our overlord hierarchy and we are her experimentation and mind subjugation group. I hope they give her a raise or level her up to an awesome overlordier rank because she's really smooth. Took me years to figure this out. 😁
My screenshots folder is all cleaned out now. The rest of my day is about puke laundry, restocking basics like toilet paper and paper towels, and holding the residual coughing down with regular doses of benadryl, whee. I think I need some #bencongruity.
I like crossing lines. I've been treading taboo since I was a kid. I questioned God and faith so hard that my mom was terrified I'd be lost to hell. I still poke my dad so much that I get the feeling sometimes he is convinced I can't possibly be saved and that's obviously too bad, but it's his obligation to keep telling me all the stuff anyway even though he believes in predestination and that souls are born into this world already either belonging to God or rejected by him. I grew up with people who were so convinced that ideas in my head were going to cause my eternal damnation that they could barely find ways to accept me as a personal loved one. There were so many prejudices in the way that I never believed either one of my parents loved me for nearly my whole life. I never felt forgiven and loved anyway, which is a simple life truth I managed to sift out and apply to my own life and children because it's logical. It's not logical to throw your own offspring under the bus. That is fear, pure and simple. I've brought up before that being naturally autistic enables me to enjoy thinking through conflicting ideas without being bothered by them. I can easily carry opposing belief systems around with me through my mundane days, because it amuses me to take them apart and reassemble them. I love asking more and more questions until every shred of institutionalization is torn apart, and then rebuilding so that I understand the purposes, the goals, the reasons it works. I was born to think like this. It comes easily to me. I don't fuss much over who is right or wrong because all have some right, and all certainly have some wrong. One example might be Christians missing the forgiveness boat. I actually know people who have estranged themselves from offspring because of ideas, nothing else, to the point where their own children literally dying of emotional neglect or abandonment via drug and alcohol abuse doesn't seem to phase them. Bad seeds and all that. I find it shocking that a parent wouldn't go to any length to try to save a child at any age, but that exists all around me, and I find it contrary to nature. Or, I find it reprehensible, the same way a human might feel about a cat or dog gorging on their first litter, which is a real thing sometimes. If a sheep won't let a lamb suckle, that is so terrible, but if a human pushes a child away because saving a tree takes precedence, that is noble. So I pull these things apart like puzzles, and up until the last few years thought I was completely alone doing this. Thanks to youtube, there's been an explosion of thought sharing, and I'm loving all the ways other people also take everything they know apart trying to figure out what is real, what is important, and what matters. That's the thing right there. I don't believe any of that matters. Did Elon Musk fake the car in space? I love space. I love science. I love that there is a car floating around out there. I also love that there's a huge debacle boiling over on youtube about flat earth, science as a religion being institutionalized to brain train us into robots, and whether or not anything we think we know is real at all. So let's step out for a second. Step out of this universe and look at it. We live IN it, or we think we do, or whatever, right? And we all have thoughts about our experiences. I have boiled it down to yes, we are in a situation where night and day exist, growing cycles have a regular rhythms, polluting is a bit of a nasty problem, and food is pretty scarce in some places. Other than that, there's not one shred of it that we can prove at all. People are born here, and then we die. Everything dies. Everything. We fuss about that part, and we use that part to make the rest meaningful or not in relation to that, but even that doesn't matter. What are you doing right now? Did you make someone cry today? Did you make someone feel crummy or sad or miserable? Did YOU cause that? ~That's what matters.~ We can argue all we want about end time prophecy, faith vs works, who God really is, who and what is right and wrong, and none of that changes anything about your day except how you allow it to control your behavior. When you allow a belief system to control you so much that you'll throw emotional rocks at your loved ones, or let them agonize in emotional starvation ignoring them, then that belief system throws what really matters in the trash can. Humans matter. People matter. YOU MATTER. Your family matters. How do we know what really matters? I thought long and hard about this. At the end of our lives, and this has been studied and documented for decades, people extremely rarely care at all about whether their religion was right, or whether they were right. What they care about is being lonely, and they wonder why someone doesn't come to check on them, or they wish they'd said something to someone and now it's too late and that opportunity is gone forever. Some people die with broken hearts because their relationships are a mess, or they are alone, or they don't know how to fix what they broke. One exception to this is mental illness. Some of you might have grown up with abusive adults that seemed to feel no remorse right up to the point of death. The hurt, pain, anger, and sadness you might feel about that is your reminder that THAT is what matters. You didn't feel loved correctly, you didn't feel forgiven for being in their lives, you didn't feel safe, and while you might use a belief system to console yourselves, that isn't what matters. What matters is that broken feeling, and that is a very good indicator for your belief system not fixing anything important. What is important? Forgiveness. Closure. Saying those last words. Not getting there in time. Missing that moment. Being there in that final moment. I've been sharing a few youtubes off and on lately both on Pinky blog and on facebook that question the realities we think we are in. Some of you are familiar with truthers and survivalists and whatever. I have never cared. I'm being very serious saying that. I have never cared whether our government destroying our own people and places is real or not because governments have been doing that time out of mind. I have studied philosophies and governments and religions around the world, and the one thing they all have in common is how do we control the people. How do we manage our economies, change the structures, fix the problems, use solutions the people don't like? How do we normalize what we fear, reset what the norms are, swivel the point of view until compliance is met? It's very difficult to manage a large number of people when it comes to travel and economy and health care and supplies. People have a way of thinking for themselves, solving all their own little problems, and without central (mainstream) control mechanisms, that actually gets a little chaotic. So governments criminalize things and use laws as fences. They oversee economies (our milk prices have been fixed for a very long time) and move people around (military families) and subsidize stuff like school loans (think tank training). If you for one second think that a mass of people arguing nonstop among themselves can actually sway real change in government when the people behind the curtains with billions of dollars are the ones pulling the real strings, and then you go and make your own families miserable over something stupid because politics is so important, maybe you're the one getting played. Something to think about. Sherlock fans might remember this quote. Guys, this is me. When Sherlock first said this, everyone blew it off as his eccentricity, but if you follow the entire series, you see exactly what really truly matters.
Anyway, the reason I started writing this out was because of the flat earth thing. I am a truly hardcore space fan, I always have been. I dig the escapism of space 'out there'. I love that space is used in stories as a way to deal with stuff we can't civilly discuss if it were on earth. Babylon 5, Farscape, Lexx. The entire Stargate franchise. But I couldn't help noticing for years that space stories are ultimately so handy for changing perspectives across large numbers of people. Entertainment breaks through where political diplomacy fails. And of course, I've brought up that Marvel has caught on, etc. Some of you know this fascinates me. So for awhile, science fiction was used in an either/or way. Either aliens were coming to kill us, or they were coming to save us. Either we die of mass plagues, or we solve all the problems and save the earth and possibly even the galaxy. The overarching ideas that kept being introduced for years were about problem solving very particular ideas that corresponded to our own lives. Sci-fi is notorious for dealing with race and gender issues, and for bringing governments and their militaries into the story telling. Refugees are common plot devices. Throw in a little time travel, a variety of off world species intermingling, and a noble calling, and bing, you have a fight for the right and we're all falling into step adopting it into our homes via collectibles, clothing, and decor. A really cool government is one that solves ALL the problems so that we can be one big happy world of people running off to find other exciting life across the universe.
Can you imagine how dull television would be without any of that? Space has lent so much to economic exchange and growth, not to mention new beliefs and belief systems springing up, that a world without all that would seem pretty empty. It's almost unbearable to contemplate. But now there is a new suspicion rising up, a terrible and bitter disappointment that all of this space stuff was made up just to hoodwink us all, and it has truly worked brilliantly. Until now. And now that the secrets are coming out and reality isn't what we thought it was and truthers are destroying our illusions, it's getting even harder to figure out who is really telling the truth. Like, for instance, Q-Anon. Is he alliance or cabal? Anyone really familiar with Illuminati would instantly recognize the method and the really subtle way truth is used to make other truth false, and people falling for it left and right. But is that person really sincere? Is he for real? Because if he is, then we must ask if he's just another one of their brainwashed puppets, right? The vid description in this recent reveal is noteworthy, click over to youtube to see it.
I'm all for investigating who in the world set up these belief systems in the first place. I grew up in a legalistic church that debated every jot and tittle down to the nuance on basically nothing more than the vaguest of actual historical studies, and from what I could see, Jesus questioning the priests in the temple as a boy was the picture of what was wrong with belief systems in the first place. I don't care for the debates over specifics, the point was that whoever Jesus was, he sure timed it well (Masons and Moors were already around, as were Buddhists), and his presence alone seems to have overturned the entire world in one way or another. But as was pointed out in that last vid, who exactly got hold of that religion in its infancy and grabbed world control is actually a really sinister story, and it really does continue to this day. Some of you have seen how I've struggled with my dad's POV, like he gets stuck in a loop counter after certain triggers.
Part of the problem is the argument coming out of nearly any mouth out there that we've been lied to. Well, duh, of course we've been lied to. Our entire lives are lies, can we please just move past that, thank you. Anyone can study history and see what the truth is, and that truth is that the idea of World Order goes so far back in human history that it's almost ludicrous. This is where people fall for it being an alien agenda, because what else could it be? Humans die so fast, why would they care? So there are elaborate stories woven around the richest bloodlines in the world being part alien DNA. Personally, I don't care whether that is true or not. If space aliens came to this earth to whatever their agenda is, then they've been among us time out of mind and nothing can change that. But if this was concocted to control the masses, like worship your gods and pay tribute, and oh by the way, we have sovereign ownership over you so you must be in our militaries, etc, then that was brilliant, right? Slow clap for that one. But then wake up and go Ohhhh, they're still doing it... We are still owned. I've been saying this for years. We have always been owned. You were born into citizenship. You aren't allowed to decide that. How many people around the world have defected and sought refuge from their governments? This next vid was oddly cute until around 5:30 in. Kinda got my stomach. (Predictive programming is kind of a sport with enthusiastic hobby spotters.)
So let's be smart about this. We may not ever know what truth really is on this earth. We can spit and argue all we want, but absolutely none of it is proven one way or another without your presence there verifying it. I personally favor logic and space. However, I also believe (my belief system) that people are more important than the ideas that come between us. I figured that one out in my childhood. My mom and my dad argued bible incessantly. Nevermind that they agreed on 95% of it, that other 5% was enough for my mom to suffer so much over my dad going to hell, according to everyone in her belief system, that it embittered her and sent her spiraling through a massive depression and finally to her lingering death. My dad was just as bad. Despite his once saved always saved rhetoric, he HAD to try to force her to agree with him decade after decade until the only way they could reconcile at all was through her strokes and memory loss, and even then it was very difficult being the children watching that ship go down. Their belief systems were more important than the way they treated each other. Their belief systems were more important than forgiveness and getting along. Their belief systems, so nearly alike, were so tortuous that I can't even imagine how I'd have survived my mother's death without dad going to the nursing home nearly every day for five years to sit with her at lunch. That devotion and her inability to call out much beyond his name when she was afraid of something became iconic to everyone around them. THAT was what their entire marriage should have been like.
How socially organized is your thought process? Do you feel compelled to defend a belief system? Like I said, I like the whole space thing, but I wouldn't be condescending to anyone over not believing it's real. Whether it's real or not is less important than how I treat someone. Hard lesson learned, thanks, Mom and Dad. I need some more #bencongruity.
I know what books I'll be looking into this next year, thanks to this video, Earliest Examples of the Mandela Effect. That chick's research goes back to 1999 and actually uses some well thought out science, which will be fun. I watched another vid, which lines up with conclusions I've come to myself over the years.
For instance, I discovered that the most interesting thought process follows the question "If I could go back and tell myself anything, what would it be?" I took that question very seriously for years and decided that everything I am doing NOW is the result of this question. Everything I ever wanted to understand about reality and why we are here is all coming to me. I concluded years ago that I am affecting my past, and that a lot of the weird stuff I seem to go through might actually be from me at a later date. I've had far too many coincidences, remote views, dreams that come true, and deja vus in my life to not be meaningful in some way, and I gravitated to synchronicity as I was looking for answers, which I've talked about many times. I've 'always known' who I need to be and what I need to be doing, I just didn't always know how and with what at the time. It's like I had to accumulate experience and knowledge, like you do in gaming, to be able to level up and do bigger things.
Here is one example of that process. For years I questioned faith if people assume praying changes nothing once a certain time has passed. How can an omnipotent god be constrained by something like time? (Especially now that we can visualize stepping outside of time ourselves.) I didn't realize I had the opportunity to test this until I found out later it worked. I was on my way to nursing clinicals at an insanely early hour, and about halfway there I had a sudden urge to pray for my kids to get to school safely. That was not a daily habit back then, and I was very distracted with pain issues, so it felt weird for that to come so strongly into my mind. I took it seriously and focused a few minutes on asking for my kids and I to all arrive home safely that day, and that the day be easy for all of us because it felt like things had been so hard lately. After we were all home hours later, I found out the school bus had just missed being broadsided on a major highway by a big transport truck. The kicker was that happened before I prayed, so where did that big urgent feeling come from? I immediately thought of quantum reality and figured time going forward or backward has no power over anyone I could possibly pray to about affecting reality, and that meant my prayer was still very meaningful and important after the event had passed, particularly because I didn't know about it. I think that the not knowing somehow gives us more power to affect change, and I don't mean that *I* changed anything, but that I inadvertently asked it to change and it did.
The key is the not knowing. The whole point is about going with your gut and focusing on what you want. What do you REALLY want? Give that all your focus for a quiet minute or two. This has become a daily habit for me. I use the form of prayer because I honestly can't not believe in someone being more powerful than me being able to see all this stuff from the outside. Given the new breakthroughs in cosmological thought about simulated universes, this isn't that big a stretch. I think our wording is very misleading, instantly lending to downplaying intent and purpose, but it makes total sense to me that we mimic our bigger universe by creating more digital universes ourselves.
I've turned this process into a shared journey.
clicks to source
And of course I played around. Since every time I do a search for ANYTHING and Benedict Cumberbatch usually pops up in there somewhere (hence #bengruity lol), I thought I'd do a deliberate search for "Benedict Cumberbatch Mandela Effect" to see if anything pops up, especially since he's got one of the largest fandoms in the world possibly mass mind quantum changing everything around us, right. Well, guess what. The only things I could find at all were one person swearing his name had really been Cumberpatch, one person certain he'd played Doctor Who at some point, and one person swearing they'd witnessed him dying in a car accident with a girlfriend that apparently doesn't exist now. You'd think there would be a lot more weirdness around as big a deal as him. Maybe the fandom has locked him into place. Benlocked.
click pic to get rickrolled, #bencongruity style if you get lost, just come back to Pinky blog
play time
I pasted the code over from the last time I did this. I'm being lazy.
I think I'm bouncing back, just in time for the rest of the holidays, yay!
I'm taking it slow and still watching what I eat, but I'm already getting more done now than I was pre-surg.
I have been very surprised this last month, too, remembering past eps of certain shows that @bonenado has forgotten. It's usually the other way around. Some of the glitchy bumps are smoothing out.
Pinky blog got super spammed yesterday by auto-bots pinging off a travel blog in the U.S. and passing it off as Russia. Noob slammed me 94 times from one source like a piece of code was corrupted or something. Dork.
Of course, that's like issuing a challenge, sometimes I get spammed harder just for bringing it up. Whatevs. I could go into my analytics and block the address, but like I said, I'm lazy.
You know I'm really building a gingerbread house that all the crumbs are leading to, right.
Fake hits don't phase me any more. I'm cured.
Hang on a sec, I need to annoy a few people. I know right, like the last one wasn't annoying enough.
Ok, where was I. Oh, yeah, being lazy. I've run out of code paste without having to go get more or manually extend this, so see ya.
There is nothing harder on a back than a soft bed. *shaking head* I've gotta stop reading the writing tips on facebook and twitter that mock language use and throw puns around like confetti. Too many one-liners popping into my head this morning. They used to call that writing jingles.
So there's this power clan on the server I hang on that thinks they're all that in a sort of Luna Girl kind of way, which is really funny if you know everything I'm talking about because they're purportedly in military training irl and totes miss that their brilliance is under appreciated on a family friendly server. Big fish in a little pond, as it were. If you don't know Luna Girl, I'm kinda digging PJ Masks because everything they all do is constant fail in the most exaggerated way but it's all super cool because they're just kids, right. I mean, who wouldn't want an unbreakable glowing rock the size of a building containing the ultimate strength medallion inside? Plus other questions, like where do *I* get a Geckomobile, how does anyone in the town even sleep with all that racket going on, and how in the world does Luna (one of the villains) have cooler toys than our heroes but ultimately fails harder than they do? The Night Ninja cracks me up, too, with all his little Ninjalinos. The entire thing was apparently written and animated for super ADHD kids, because Bunny loves it, that series is so her.
I've been thinking about turning my minecraft blog into more of a gossip column kind of site, and I think that's the kind of angle it would take. I'd need to tp around a little more and get screenies of other stuff than my own, and I'm not sure either I or my internet is presently up to it, so not right now. Later, perhaps.
So I'm running into this thing again. FAIL BETTER. That's a thing. It's been around awhile, and now it's got #bencongruity.
Oh, live reporting from twitter.
Question- if #netneutrality is overcome, will my blog be affected? lol, yes, that's the extent of my interest in the entire frenzy going on. 😆 But think about it- Will Google search become even more strangled? What people don't realize is that 'search' is already changing from ten years ago. You can no longer find all the relevant listings because 1- search engines sift them down for you so it won't be redundant with similar things, 2- the highest ranked are the most hit, which means the best and most important get buried unless you get very specific in your search queries, and 3- search is NOT a catalog system of everything out there any more, it's an algorithm that fetches high traffic content and channels you toward it. Cached items disappear after so long, just like old microfiche medical files. So if you think about it, freedom of info is already being turned into what #netneutrality is afraid will happen. People just aren't paying attention. I have been given opportunities to 'go pro' on Google analytics, which would boost Pinky blog way higher up in searches, but I neither have the money nor care to blow it like that. However, there are many out there already doing this. What #netneutrality is actually fighting is everyone having to pay standard fees to get basic and premium channels, like satellite. You pretty much already do that and you just aren't aware that's what it is. I already pay Microsoft for tech equipment, software bundling, access integration and sync, and accounts. I pay another browser for a list of perks that some people would think is outrageously expensive. I pay a particular blog host to keep me ad free on some blogs. I once added it up, I pay around $1000 a year in fees just to maintain my personal playground on the webs, and a lot more than that in equipment maintenance and addons. My futuristic dream world is about everyone automatically getting internet and it's all part of a coordinated package already integrated into everything we do. Hey, it's all there in the Jetsons, right? This was all shown to us way back in the 1960s, guys. I have always wanted this. So we go through a few growing pains getting there. When has humanity not angsted over every little bitty change that has swept the globe? Doomsday is around every corner. They're all out to get us. We must fight for our right to party, as it were. Whatever. I know, everyone thinks I'm a traitor to whatever cause I was born into (a multiplicity of layers that include nationality, cultural region bias, skin color, family religion, local politics, genetic flaws, need I go on), and I freely restate I'm in line for the brain chip. I'm camped out like Vork for principles that make no sense.
Btw, I called a luv struck monkey Zaboo on discord yesterday and no one had a clue. Heathens. So far I've lost internet only once this morning, a very nice change from yesterday's every 2-3 minutes thing. Maybe I'll get out of bed (yes, my laptop is in bed with me, I'm getting super lazier in the whole pj's to work department) and get some breakfast in me and make a list or something. I haven't made a real list in weeks.
Sorry about that, left you guys hanging for a few days. Yesterday was one of those marvelous dives into aspienado obsession along with real life ironies like Scott's ex hanging out in our house and laughing at Bunny antics over a cheese sampler plate. Despite every kind of awkward that a pending cancer demise brings upon a family, I appreciate foremost that, being the one who has learned to step back the most, awkward social situations is something I now see the older women on my mother's side conquering most graciously when I was a child. Etiquette under pressure is a skill I've fled most in my life but funnily happen to be kind of good at. Also, it helps being utterly obsessed with a misguided notion that someone could conceivably mess with my villagers on an ungriefable claim, which kept me busy and way under the radar for hours while other people around me coped with very hard stuff.
This is probably hard to see, but that is a double fence row. We're supposed to keep 250 blocks between us when claiming, but I'm already claimed out and can no longer expand, so I allow other players to build near me. I've even said go ahead and claim right up to my lines. I like that I have neighbors, and you can see that cute house in the distance, right? That little house is between my big Yablo claim and the village I claimed that I'm currently standing on a little platform over. To the right of that is a big build by a player who has already been banned, and the big build to the left is a player who has actually been getting free fence from me without mentioning it was going all around my village claim... joke's on me.
Time flies on a server, and I was off doing other things while these big structures went up near me. I didn't even see them until I ran into them yesterday going to check on my village, which used to be out in a rugged wilderness and now seems to be a rugged outcrop in New Jersey, possibly just outside Philly. I actually like it, not complaining at all, because it makes my builds look way more metro and cool, considering we're only a short distance from my huge claim with the big glowing TV glasses and the big sculpt glowing in the sky.
But. I also discovered that all that player has to do to get into my village now (formerly impenetrable since grief proof means no one can open a gate and no one can break blocks near it without claiming blocks) is place a dirt block next to their fence to get on top of their fence, then simply jump over both our fencelines onto my claim. I have no idea if from there they could mess with my villagers at all, probably not, BUT simply being near or in there would have all the mobs spawning in the vicinity, and mobs kill villagers. I was down to 3 by the time I went there yesterday checking on them, and I know I had at least 7 a coupe of weeks ago, and that they were having babies, a first for our server where other players have really struggled trying to get their villagers to reproduce.
How to prevent further deaths and still retain aesthetic integrity... I elected glass dyson dome. Yes, I know, my default sux and you guys have cool mod packs, go suck it, ok? Also, I turned down an offer from an architect on server to turn all that into an invisible barrier. I spent DAYS collecting sand and smelting it into an uber treasure of glass blocks and then HOURS yesterday placing all those, there is no way I'm throwing all that work away for one fell swoop of invisible barrier. I want people to SEE the work I put into that, sheesh.
Oh, you noticed. 😋 I'm mocking the economy by converting the temple into emerald blocks. The entire village will slowly convert into a fun little place, but for now, it's mostly just on hold.
I probably shouldn't reveal his whereabouts, but what the heck.
Couldn't resist.
And since we are the BEN clan...
And I got a little subtle, this is a fave Ben Stiller character.
There are a few more. OriginalSteve apparently got mobbed, but Jeff survived
along with a couple others I didn't name and don't think are cool enough puns to share, so. OH, and BenedictCumberpickle is gone, too, wah. Oh, well. It was a cumbersome name... get it? Nevermind.
I'm a bit rankled last few days and kinda cranky online, but so is everyone else irl in between crying jags, so I don't feel like talking much. I know people wanna help, but I can't handle when it comes from all sides. I can't pretend to be sweet when I'm going pure shutdown and all I see through the flames is other people not listening to what I really really need, like an hour of quiet time, because y'all don't see a very busy tiny person zooming around my house and I'm just trying to stay sane without small talk making me crazier because I'm on the edge of internal meltdown. The autie stuff I read doesn't even begin to cover this level I live with in my own head and begs off with too much disclaiming and redefining, and I'm here to say hellz yeah I'm obsessing because it's my frickin escape from flaming everyone into charcoal. Escapism is real and it's good for the soul. And relationships. Plunging into rabbit holes keeps me from blowing everything up between me and the people I love while I'm having trubba coping emotionally because I'm in core meltdown and hard shutdown and the words don't come out my mouth and fingers right in real time. The only way to stop it is for *me* to stop talking, and that's what I need to do.
This was me last night not doing /abandomallclaims and deleting moc off Jawn's hard drive. My mood was horrible.
Question 33: When helping others I prefer to assist with physical tasks rather than offering counsel about their feelings. Fact: Yes. Truth: OMG, can we please stop obsessing about feels? It’s distracting and it keeps us from actually solving the Real Problems Of The World. I sometimes think that neurotypical life is centered around relieving the pain they’ve caused themselves, and all they really care about is making themselves comfortable, while their lives go to hell. Rearranging the chairs on the deck of a ship that’s not being steered… as it drifts right into an iceberg field. But hey, at least they have a good angle towards the sun, so they can work on that tan that will get them laid. Right?
LOL, nailed it. I will clean your house, do your dishes and even scrub your toilets, but having to talk through the everchanging emotional slush with someone peels my eyeballs like hard boiled eggs. I personally sifted it down to I suck as a friend, which I've blogged about a few times.
My absolute fave part of this last year on social media has been watching #oddizm rise up and conquer. Finally! About time, guys. I have a couple faves, and like me, they each keep a fleet of blogs. Unlike me, they are waaaayyyyy more prolific in the whole aspie/autie asplain-all-the-things stuff, which makes my self obsession look comparatively really mild, so emotional health context gives me an A+ there. And to be fair, one of them is a real doctor with intensity I envy, the other is an exceptional writer/reveiwer, so I'm actually feeling challenged by betters now, yay!
Regular readers know I'm a neurodiversity advocate, point blank. I don't just talk about autism or compare my pov to the world at large. I'm only here to tell a story, to take readers on my journey, a path I hacked through a jungle to a better place of understanding the ultimate question for the ultimate answer of 42, regardless and inclusive of all our points of views. Regular readers also know I'm a fan of the fans, and I love seeing all the cool stuff people do in their fandoms on the webs. I believe fandoms are what build cohesive communities of acceptance across borders and languages and neurodiversities. I believe the creators of content for entertainment are leading the way to a bigger, better world.
In the meantime, we all struggle with our own stuff, and the best way I've found to survive is to concentrate on myself and not other people. It's not my place to judge, but it is my place to be smart and share what I've learned. I am no one's tool, but I am a good tool wielder. I think the most important things I've learned in this lifetime are actual real forgiveness, actual real patience, and actual real charity. Not the fake stuff. It's very important that we drop the fake stuff, because that's what's messing us up inside. Having said that, going back to question 33 up there perfectly saying how I feel in autism spectrum point of view, I'd like to add that I actually do like humans and all their funny little ways, and y'all are doing fine as long as you can keep up a little courtesy and respect among yourselves. Also, lengthy blog posts are the same as obsessing about feels, so you understand the tongue in cheek part, right? Good. Some of us 'yap' a little differently than others, and I enjoy seeing other writers expound on thoughts I've had for years.
I'm also learning I myself don't need lots of words to say these things. My personal struggle is with summarizing and condensing, which I think I'm getting the hang of. 😊 Thank you for letting me practice on you guys. Those of you who've actually read every word I've ever written (there really are a few), bless your hearts.
How else do I say this. I believe in all of us arriving together to a more beautiful place. Hang on with me.
click to take a beautiful tour through a stained glass art gallery
There are days I think my stories really aren't that big a deal, maybe I'm just making a big deal out of nothing, and I kind of walk away and go do something else for awhile. And then another day comes along, like last night watching Blindspot, Roman asking Jane if she remembered the rabbits they were given as children to take care of and then told to kill, and how he wimped out and couldn't do it but she could, how she always had it in her to get the job done. And I'm thinking Ok, not only does that validate my own childhood story, but mine trumps it 100% because of other stuff, so if that doesn't make me a badass coming off childhood trauma, I don't know what does, and that was just one little incident in story after story after story that leaves every professional I've talked to cringing.
I have such a disconnect that I don't realize the impact I have on people. When I first shared my rabbit story with a beta reader, I didn't even think to caution first. This whole project I'm wanting to launch first before anything else will necessarily have to be labeled with trigger warnings galore.
I was talking privately to a friend about something this week and suddenly realized I was way out of my emotional depth again and quickly tossed out how severe my disconnect is and I'm not sure how to relate, even though I obviously have no problem engaging and understanding. Despite having to continually shut down this weird hyperawareness I have of people around me, I cannot feel some of it. It's like having a sort of numb empathy. I'm still struggling with how to express this because it's crucial as part of the journey I'm sharing about what it's like in the mind of an aspie child on to adulthood.
I've attempted to communicate this description in a couple of my Lexx posts regarding the undead character Kai. I've studied in depth what research I can find (actually extremely detailed) about programming people via break and rebuild and how that creates the disconnects needed for people to be able to handle doing some really horrific things without falling apart. I've super briefly mentioned in passing a few times over the last couple of years that I believe this is what happened to me as a child via 'natural' societal brain training and culture clashing held firmly together with rigid belief systems, and how this is ideal for mass enculturing future citizens.
Aspienado is the East Wind, as Mycroft fondly taunts poor Sherlock with.
The interesting thing, to me anyway, is that I'm no longer angry. I'm done with the anger part. I'm in the more practical, even heuristic part of all this discovery now. Having actually experienced this life has lent so much more depth to learning concepts that any amount of mere research could never aspire to. It's one thing to make statements based on opinions based on what others report, it's another to make statements based on experience.
I know I bring up Sherlock a LOT, but I can't escape that the rabbit they're looking for is named Bluebell.
click for an incredible hint
That's actually beside the point, but the entire Sherlock thing was perfectly timed with my pinata cracking open and all the jeweled candy flying out, and the blue rabbit is just one of the jewels I'm sorting through.
One of the most interesting conundrums I've run into, and it happens quite often, is talking to people who don't realize they've been traumatized. Children are very easily traumatized, especially if there is already an emotional and/or neurodiversity schism in the family (including mental illness in either or both parents), and so many of us have been taught to suck it up and be tough that it takes years of gentle excavation into a person's psyche to finally help them see they've so plastered over a traumatic event that undid them that even they can't see how traumatizing it was until they finally break through and then have nervous breakdowns. Or sometimes the breakdowns come first, and then it's all about sorting out the stuff that flew apart. All those sparkly memories...
The human brain is very good at systems recovery, for the most part. There are so many ways a human being can continue to seemingly function, and even function well, despite having gone through trauma that would easily break someone else who grew up sheltered and never learned all the little tricks for self protection. This is so common that the people who have developed these tricks actually take pride in them, and sneer down on the weaker ones who fall apart over more trivial nonsense. After all, what is dropping an ice cream cone on a sunny day compared to being horrifically abused in a very dark place with no rescue?
My blue rabbit wasn't exactly abuse. In fact, I'll vouch for it being the most absolutely brilliantly 'innocent' abuse ever invented. I will make a case that this perpetual breaking down and rebuilding machine that is society goes so far back that we think it's part of our group psychological health, and that the very people who shun 'bad' things themselves perpetuate the ability for bad things to keep existing.
I completely broke one sunny day somewhere in the first grade. I didn't cry. I didn't understand enough to cry. But I can go back now over all the moments floating through my tiny head and see that I went into a sort of permanent shock. I grew up without a single emotional connection to a single adult around me, including my parents, and it wasn't because they were mean. It was because they'd already been broken themselves.
The beta reader wasn't able to talk about it very much except to relate that it was extremely upsetting, just a few words telling a childhood story. The odd thing was that even writing it, I barely felt anything, but I somehow knew it was important. That was the first time I shared it with anyone, and now, just from that one reaction and talking to my psychologist and a couple of other people and loads of thought afterward, I can see that what I'll be sharing goes far beyond simply growing up autism spectrum in a rigid world.
I'm so glad I never got that published yet. I'm at this *wow* place where I can see a whole bunch of crucial plastering I still hadn't peeled down yet.
Ok, back to my day. I just did a retweet spam of last night's Benny C Pink Floyd crash (yeah, right in the middle of this, thanx @bonenado).
Yeah, that #bencongruity was exciting, ok, moving on. Back to my own little world.
Day 3, and the most delightful side effect is being a mild appetite suppressant, yay!
I boofed a payment. Meant to switch it out to a different method, missed the charge date, oh well. It's fixed now. I really need to make a special spiral with my annual and semi-annual charges listed in it by date. Email reminders apparently don't get my attention.
I want these sunglasses, on my minecraft dolly if nothing else. They've got a whole page of cool round styles, but I think it's this one. Not paid to link this.
I've got most of the rest of this month 'off'. As long as I don't wind up having a reaction to this med, I can blissfully stay home a lot more now and get a routine organized again. I already started excavation over the weekend, and @bonenado got so excited (he was bored, the lawn was all mowed and there was nothing to do right then) that he started going through the cabinets and tossing expired junk, like marshmallow creme. All the things we used to eat and don't any more, all the money we're saving not buying sugar and all the things with sugar in them, all the old expired cereals and other starches (wow, he even threw the chocolate Malt-O-Meal away, I was shocked), all of that went into the trash. It's been 5 years since I switched to paleo, but it's been like pulling teeth switching him, even though he finally got his own diabetes diagnosis, but we're getting close now to final purge, I think. I told him I'll make one more batch of homemade ice cream because I have the stuff for it, and then that's it. I'm tired of feeling gross and backpedaling every time he's got junk sitting around that I wind up nibbling on.
pic clicks to wallpapers
Last night I told him I'm getting ripped like Madonna and he laughed his head off. I said ok, I'm getting ripped like Lucy Liu (he loves her), so I looked her up and she's only 5'3", he could hardly believe it. I'm an inch taller than she is, so when I was skinny in my 20's, that's how I looked. Except back then I was plunging into the pre-diagnosed autoimmune era, so I never really got to enjoy being skinny.
I wouldn't mind a new lifestyle. I need to stay focused on what I want bad enough to get some stuff done.
When you're more famous for meeting Ben than winning the Wimbledon...
