I know what books I'll be looking into this next year, thanks to this video, Earliest Examples of the Mandela Effect. That chick's research goes back to 1999 and actually uses some well thought out science, which will be fun. I watched another vid, which lines up with conclusions I've come to myself over the years.
For instance, I discovered that the most interesting thought process follows the question "If I could go back and tell myself anything, what would it be?" I took that question very seriously for years and decided that everything I am doing NOW is the result of this question. Everything I ever wanted to understand about reality and why we are here is all coming to me. I concluded years ago that I am affecting my past, and that a lot of the weird stuff I seem to go through might actually be from me at a later date. I've had far too many coincidences, remote views, dreams that come true, and deja vus in my life to not be meaningful in some way, and I gravitated to synchronicity as I was looking for answers, which I've talked about many times. I've 'always known' who I need to be and what I need to be doing, I just didn't always know how and with what at the time. It's like I had to accumulate experience and knowledge, like you do in gaming, to be able to level up and do bigger things.
Here is one example of that process. For years I questioned faith if people assume praying changes nothing once a certain time has passed. How can an omnipotent god be constrained by something like time? (Especially now that we can visualize stepping outside of time ourselves.) I didn't realize I had the opportunity to test this until I found out later it worked. I was on my way to nursing clinicals at an insanely early hour, and about halfway there I had a sudden urge to pray for my kids to get to school safely. That was not a daily habit back then, and I was very distracted with pain issues, so it felt weird for that to come so strongly into my mind. I took it seriously and focused a few minutes on asking for my kids and I to all arrive home safely that day, and that the day be easy for all of us because it felt like things had been so hard lately. After we were all home hours later, I found out the school bus had just missed being broadsided on a major highway by a big transport truck. The kicker was that happened before I prayed, so where did that big urgent feeling come from? I immediately thought of quantum reality and figured time going forward or backward has no power over anyone I could possibly pray to about affecting reality, and that meant my prayer was still very meaningful and important after the event had passed, particularly because I didn't know about it. I think that the not knowing somehow gives us more power to affect change, and I don't mean that *I* changed anything, but that I inadvertently asked it to change and it did.
The key is the not knowing. The whole point is about going with your gut and focusing on what you want. What do you REALLY want? Give that all your focus for a quiet minute or two. This has become a daily habit for me. I use the form of prayer because I honestly can't not believe in someone being more powerful than me being able to see all this stuff from the outside. Given the new breakthroughs in cosmological thought about simulated universes, this isn't that big a stretch. I think our wording is very misleading, instantly lending to downplaying intent and purpose, but it makes total sense to me that we mimic our bigger universe by creating more digital universes ourselves.
I've turned this process into a shared journey.
clicks to source
And of course I played around. Since every time I do a search for ANYTHING and Benedict Cumberbatch usually pops up in there somewhere (hence #bengruity lol), I thought I'd do a deliberate search for "Benedict Cumberbatch Mandela Effect" to see if anything pops up, especially since he's got one of the largest fandoms in the world possibly mass mind quantum changing everything around us, right. Well, guess what. The only things I could find at all were one person swearing his name had really been Cumberpatch, one person certain he'd played Doctor Who at some point, and one person swearing they'd witnessed him dying in a car accident with a girlfriend that apparently doesn't exist now. You'd think there would be a lot more weirdness around as big a deal as him. Maybe the fandom has locked him into place. Benlocked.
I'm about ready for this brain melt to be over. Went way out of character on twitter yesterday, nevermind that it blew up my impressions. I'm not the type to gang up on anyone for any reason, especially playing into martyrdom designed to yank chains and strings like one of those spider traps built into the ground. So many people fell into that pit yesterday that I finally just stuck a sign out practically saying "THIS WAY TO THE IDIOT PULLING YOUR STRINGS", and dang if it didn't actually triple the activity coming through my feeds, and I already had the guy blocked.
I've seen orchestrated mass bombings on social media for years. They're pretty much all the same, all they have to do is stick to their guns being idiotically mean and nasty and people turn toward and start falling right into that hole, pretty much pulling everything mean and nasty from inside themselves out to fling back in the name of whatever is good and right in humanity. It never works. You can't out logic, out reason, out think, out maneuver someone who enjoys watching people fall all over themselves with angry retorts, no matter how well intentioned or determined. As long as the angry mob with pitchforks keeps mobbing, the instigator is successful and just sitting back laughing at all the angry little people he pisses off. That's a big ol' WIN for a person like that.
It's difficult to demonstrate that kind of fail happening in progress live on twitter. I'm pretty sure most of the people who saw my initial tweet announcement about it never picked up on why I did that in the first place. Even spelling it out later, the ones who needed to see it were actually so focused on the fight (even hours later) that they missed other feed rolling through regarding any kind of commentary on it if they weren't personally tagged.
I used to be really good at leading the way into battle. I was able to go straight to the heart and start thrusting my little sword, and I really thought my words meant something. One terrible year a bunch of stuff exploded very publicly and I was stupid enough to plunge right into the troll trap, which exponentially increased my fame around a world fandom in a very bad way. The whole thing lasted several months, and on the worst day, O Best Beloved, I found out that my presence alone was more immediately attention demanding than if the entire cast of the TV show had shown up online all at once. I saw stuff happen on message boards that rocked a fandom so hard that even to this day I get more nearly instant interactive web traffic than that cast does. I'm not saying I get more followers or comments or shares, but I get more daily attention from a wider variety of people.
That's sad.
The saddest thing about it is how many people have come to me privately about talking to those cast members, trying to get me to interact some more, trying to push me into a more visible attention-getting format, knowing that all I have to do is start playing around again to get some fun going. I've been extremely careful not going there, because too many people mistake that kind of activity for official representation, and next thing you know, we're all unnecessarily taking sides again.
I've hobnobbed with several very big webmasters behind scenes through the years, including one of the biggest Johnny Depp fan site and forum owners a few years ago. I don't do this to get closer to celebrities, like many do, but to learn from the creators how to handle being so public, being contacted so much, becoming mini-celebs themselves. The most important things I've learned are very simple- Be kind, don't let people push you around, and don't let a shred of it go to your head. I've met other webmasters who've let it go to their heads, letting their web creations define them as demi-gods in fandoms and then leveraging that power to gain personal attention in hopes the celebrity being worshiped will notice and talk to them. (I am NOT talking about Lexx.)
There was one person in particular I really admired for one of the most beautiful and thoroughly organized fan sites I'd ever seen until almost frantic tweets started going out around the clock to official broadcasters that a message needed to be delivered, and the link basically went back to a fan letter. Really? All that work to force huge amounts of attention onto being the world's most obsessed fan... The saddest part was how urgent it was, almost a panic on a countdown clock. It hit me the fan might be terminal for some reason, so I decided to leave that particular public fandom because I couldn't bear to see the ugly fallout around others not understanding the sadness behind using the distraction of a celebrity to focus through and mask real life pain. I watched fans with money and time rise to power against another fan with terrible illness and depression while secret fans with even more wealth and connections stalked the poor guy until he all but disappeared except at stage doors, and the occasional grocery store in a hoodie shot. I think it's better now, but for awhile it kind of made me feel sick. A lot of the fans hovering around the edges of social media had no idea what was going on and became unwitting pawns.
It doesn't take much to start trubbas on the webs. Just this last week there was a big broohaha in the Benny C fandom over a sudden announcement that he'd be attending a certain convention, and the side taking was about whether the guy needed the time off for family time and fans being selfish enough to demand his time and 'force' him to agree to show up for something.
Ok, let's take a real look at this. First of all, actors generally want as much attention as they can get unless they are having emotional breakdowns, and even then they kind of want the attention. Second of all, if they are willing to make a career of leaving family for weeks at a time to film, avoiding one convention isn't going to fix anything. Third, so much of their publicity is packaged and handled by other people that it's more about stepping up for contracts to sell merch (remember, they hire their faces and bodies out to sell other people's merch) that the way to the top (and staying on top) is outworking other actors. Face time is the most important thing in that kind of career. Spouses and families can fall into step or sit back and chillax or flee the scene, but it's all part of that kind of career, not unlike being married to a trucker, a franchise manager, a public servant like firefighter or surgeon, or a politician. Actors who make it to the top and manage to stay on top have it way more together than you think because it's their job and they want to be there. The less visible actors are more like us, some wanting to be home more, some opting to take time off to do other things. That is their prerogative, but personally, the fastest way to deter actual stalking is simply live as publicly as possible. A few learn this trick and pretty much have somewhat normal lives, even 'on top'.
Your feelings about someone else's life have nothing to do with their life, whether they're a refugee, someone on either side of a gun, or a political figure. You can have all the big feels you want about poor this and awful that and it's not going to change anything, especially if you're reading your own emotions into someone else's actions. SO, if a person is out there purposely baiting you to have big feels, like that guy yesterday, you aren't changing anything arguing with him, stomping on his face before he can stomp on yours again, talking sense into psychosis, whatever. You're wasting your time. I said long ago to my psychologist that churches feel like campsites for every conceivable mental illness, and I'll extend that to the way people organize in groups on social media. You tend to hang out with people of your own ilk because it's validating. Stepping into other territory without studying it and planning strategy isn't going to change anything. If you enjoy trolling trolls, fine, but I'll admit here that I was stupidly out of focus this week (thank you, head cold from hell) and stepped into a fray thinking it was funny. I'm not thrilled that I dragged my feed into that kind of focus when my goal is something else.
My psychologist asked me this week what I want out of all this venture on social media, and I said to win. He asked me what I get if I win, and I said the world. He asked what the world gets, and I said they win, too. The way I'm playing, we all win.
It's not about who I'm smarter than, better than, higher in a spotlight than. It's about perspective, context, big picture. If you pan out far enough, everyone on a ladder looks near the ground. From one of my most popular posts ever written before the Xanga migration and then finally moved to an easier to read blog and pretty much let it lay dormant, Synchronicity, Suicide, and the Eyes-
"It seems so empty when you zoom out a little too far and see the bigger picture. We’re not all that different from worms writhing around in the soil. We’ve only elevated ‘awareness’ to an art form, and I’m not sure the people around me are all that aware."
When a human has sunk to the level of troll, the fastest way to shut that down is turn it off and walk past it and leave it behind you. I know it's fun ganging up and showing our betterness and wit and smartness, but it's also extremely negative and adds absolutely nothing to the overall beauty of the human spirit. If you've got time to stop for trolls, please let me introduce the idea that you've got time to be doing more positive things with. There are real people out there needing real attention in much more important ways. If you've emotionally exhausted yourself on a troll and then have nothing left for a loved one in emotional dire straits, maybe ask yourself if that was a good move on your part.
And then, of course, there are a few who are actually really good at being troll champs and I have a lot of respect for that, mostly because it's entertaining more than it is anything else, which actually wins over troll since the troll himself is being used for sport. It takes really good troll-back skillz to do this, though, so spend a little time studying the truly greats before you leap into this kind of lifestyle thinking it won't ruin your day. If trolling trolls gets you more riled up, you're not doing it right.
Don't cast your pearls of wisdom to pigs who don't appreciate them and only grind them under their feet and use them against you. Your words can be so much more powerful if you use them gently with the butterflies around you. You may not see the heights your words help others aspire to, and that's ok, because you'll know they were heard and meant so much more than being gleefully tromped underfoot.
We've been doing deep tissue nerve work up and down my spinous processes. Nearly everything I'm feeling all this afternoon can be summed up in "shoot me now". This graphic clicks back to a very detailed and absorbing page if you feel a sudden need to bone up on the spine. Don't judge me.
Right now I feel like my little minecraft avatar looks like when it falls off a cliff and smashes on the rocks below. Hufda. The actual therapy wasn't terrible, in fact it felt pretty good, and I left feeling much better than I have been lately after this kind of stuff. We're getting super specific in what I'm fondly visualizing as recoding nerve input and output. There is a series of pressure points several different ways up and down both sides and on my spine, some of it feels pretty intense but none of it actually feels worse than what I live with, but any kind of deep tissue work leaves a person feeling a bit beat up for a couple of days. It's part of the retraining and healing process, helping the various tissues either break down and rebuild differently or become more maneuverable or cut through nerve chatter and redirect it into more effective nerve communication. So far it's changed quite a bit of numbness, tingling, and maddening itching I've tolerated for years. ~Today~
So much better. *sips coffee*
Last time I was on moc I finally got a wyvern to hatch, and a super mod showed me how to make it stay and feed it. I heard on the new moc we'll get ghost wyverns, awesome. I'm also playing with natural tree walls and roof camouflage while I'm out on the ocean. Pretty sure my new moc home base will be on a very lonely ocean far away from spawn point.
Also found a few more signs had been changed in the store.
Last night was our first fantasy league match up. I had a decent start. My defense could have been better, but I probably jinxed them bailing early to go to bed.
I mention once in awhile why Doctor Strange will be so big to fans around the world. This sums it up for me personally, and I imagine anyone with any kind of nerve disorders or injuries will plug into this concept. The idea that we can still be powerful in our minds is very important. When you click out to this tweet you can see each pic better. Whole lotta work went into those hands.
Ok, I found it, very long post about using back to school to refocus my daily life, but scrollscrollscroll finally gets you here.
I remember seeing Dark City the year I was in the worst of being so terribly ill that I needed assistance with everything I did. I couldn't tie my shoes and had to go velcro, couldn't dress myself, couldn't drive, and every bit of it was nerve fail. You do not know when something will cause any kind of system fail in your body. Surviving it and then healing from it was far more than I dreamed could happen, because it certainly felt like it was killing me, but I hung onto things like this.
That was a rescue vid, by the way, I didn't make that. I think it disappeared and then reappeared here, but I don't think that was original creator unless it was an account wipe and recreate, but it seems really incongruous with the other vids uploaded there. I originally used it in a post on Bluejacky in 08 or 09.
It's all about consciously deciding to keep using what you can of your mind to survive and change your circumstances, or at least your point of view. Ultimately, spoiler alert, it was about the doctor, not the main character John. I find myself wondering sometimes how many resets that doctor helped initiate before he successfully broke through and won over the parasitic occupation of human hosts. Imagine being the only one who knows the why behind everything, and not even sure if that's even a concrete reality, and very slowly running these agonizing experiments on other people without ever being able to confide in anyone or have a friend. The tool scraped together everything in his power to create his own tool, and that was John. Right up to the end it was about secretly hanging on to believing that what he was doing was the right thing.
Fans on youtube saved me in the dark when I had nothing and no one else out there. I will never forget that. Fans are more important to me than the shows and actors themselves, other little lights out there in the dark, living real lives, finding ways to cope and focus and keep going. I cannot wait to see the fanvids that come out of the Doctor Strange movie. Interpretation is an art form I cherish in everyone around me.
Ok, I'm waxing way too poetic for predawn, I need to decide what I'm doing today. @bonenado will be back home early this afternoon to pick me up for eye appointment because they'll be dilating, and then I get to walk around Walmart half blind in my funky new blackout sunglasses from China, woot! Let's see- yes, I annoyed someone with this one on twitter yesterday, BWHAHAHAHA.
Back to basics. It all started with picking up a few spirals, some fun stickers, and a package of colored pens. And sox. I very slowly turned my life around and turned it inside out into something different.
And now it's really different, because not only was I successful, but the whole Bunny bomb came along a few months later, and the entire Plan turned into mobile office, yet still progressively growing.
It has grown into more than 40 spirals, at least 10 mini spirals, a solid preference for Pilot G-2 05 or 07 pens, and a wicked knowledge of novelty socks, which actually started years before during my retail phase.
I told psyche guy that I normally use the chaos and even enjoy the chaos, but lately I've been feeling like I'm drowning in it, more like losing control of the Plan and not really progressing (although the internet begs to differ in a few ways). Basically, I feel *stuck*. It has nothing to to with writer's block or not being able to keep up with the house (the chores have become very easy over the years), or even a lack of motivation (I'm still very strongly motivated). After a great big think over the last couple of months, it hit me that the problem is I dropped the Lists.
Lists are fine for the daily things, like shopping or getting a few things done around the house, maybe extracurricular like getting phone calls made and forms filled out, but one thing I learned from The Nerdist Way was to keep track of #allthethings, and I used to do it in a special spiral that finally couldn't handle all the spread, so I chucked it aside and kept moving.
There's no excuse, guys, this is getting dirt cheap. Not being compensated, just I love him.
So I thought back about how I used to keep track of what I did because back then I was so brain glitchy I actually had to. I'm not so glitchy now, but you know what? Maybe that's exactly what I need again, only on a much bigger scale this time.
So I picked up a 5 subject spiral from Walgreens with a few of my vast hoard of points, plus it was on sale, so sweet deal, and then I got a 3 subject spiral at Walmart later for el cheapo because back to school is close to finishing off, so I've got 8 sections I can use for logging, like a daily journal library.
In the olden days, I would make lists of things I wanted to do, like this or that for SyfyDesigns, or an idea I had for a certain blog, something techy I needed to go fix, and back then, having a few things like that written down gave me some direction to focus on, and when I needed the distraction, I'd go get something done. Usually each thing would take only a few minutes or maybe even an hour, and once it was done, I could write down that I'd done it in my 'done' spiral, which over time gave me loads of assurance that I really was getting a lot of stuff done, even though it felt like I was crawling along barely doing anything. And over time, all that showed up on the webs as 'presence', and I kept stumbling into ways to see what my 'net' worth is, if I may be so punny.
I need that back. In triplicate and quadruplicate. I need more than a puny spiral now. I'm running a ship with lots of different departments that need supervising, and I am the Overlord of my multiple domains. I can't smash all the things together any more, it's too chaotic.
Yep, you're guessing it. One section in the 8 subject sections will be SyfyDesigns, another section will be tech fix stuff, etc. First page of each section will be all the things that pop into my mind to maybe do in future, and pages after that will be logging when I've gotten it done, so I can look back through like a work log. It's more than a matter of ticking off a list now, it's keeping a sense of time flow and progress without losing sight of #allthethings.
He restarted his life with this, and look at him owning the world now. #NewtoWho (jumped the pond, guys) #TalkingDead (THE show to watch after the hottest zombie show ever) #Midnight (owns twitter), and that's barely even touching all the stuff he's done and still doing.
btw, caution on this vid, it's really gross.
So if anyone has a plan to get out of an anxiety-filled slump funk, it's this guy. And if anyone is a #spoonie #autismspectrum #depression survivor, it's me. I'm clawing my way out of my hellhole, albeit slowly, but ENOUGH OF THIS, WHERE IS SHERLOCK. I'VE GOT A TUNNEL SYSTEM TO FINISH ON MO CREATURES and other subtext ye know not of.
~a week later~ Finally checked voice mails and emails. No wonder more protein powder hasn't shipped, my credit card needed to be renewed. Also wrestling with old lappy this week to stay on long enough to yield more vital information. Also getting ready for the Xanga renew thing. I'm still one of the major investors, so the money transfer for all my stuff will be pretty substantial. Also have tentative internet meetings on the table.
I hate begging off, but since I caved and admitted this was a hard week, I'm going to go ahead and let you guys know THIS WAS A HARD WEEK, YO.
Ok, back to stuff. Part of real life dealing is practicing on our relationships, and aspienado is still working on the honesty without dumping, especially when it's being prompted by some kind of mood swing or anxiety attack. I keep reminding myself I'm withdrawing from a med again, I've got spiky pain levels, and it's the month in my life where I always timewarp like crazy- I CAN DO THIS. THIS IS NOT NEW. All I have to do is just hang on for a bit and let time pass. That's all I have to do. Stick to a tight little routine with my laundry and dishes, keep myself distracted with work and minecraft, keep touching base with my people, and do my stretches. Part of my stretch homework this month includes all the muscles that attach to sternum in the middle of my chest to my shoulders on the front side. The referred pain I've lived with ever since the car accident is hilarious. No matter how documented my history, I cannot walk into any clinic or ER for pain assistance without going through rigorous testing first to rule out a heart attack. I've lost count of the ECHOs and EKGs and even the holters, most of it over this fibro pain, even though I also have legitimate heart history. Fibro is a bitch.
Doing my pec work, lol. I've actually accumulated enough stretch exercise material for my entire body over the last 4 years (first therapy session was August 2012) to fill up a 2 hour workout if I did them all back to back, and that's on top of a 20-30 minute walk. I've tried it a couple of times, there's just no way. I have to alternate days. Plus I have to warm up and increase blood flow to specific areas first before I stretch, totally commanded no cold stretching. There are several ways to warm up, like hot shower, heating pad, actual repetitive movement for a few minutes, but the easiest is just throwing a sweater into a dryer and then putting on the hot sweater. I'm a cheater, lol. But not always. As hard as it is moving around because the fatigue wall and tightness and stuff, I actually like moving around.
Ok, it's 5:30 a.m., I'm dressed, second cup of coffee going, staying focused on the basics of staying functional. Might see Bunny this afternoon, that will give me a target time to have a few things done.
Just focus and survive till the time passes to a different time. We can do this.
Yesterday's ASTYM was the roughest yet. I'm not an easy bruiser, but this time I'm bruised up from neck to mid-back and on both shoulders and neck. It's amazing, though, how gloriously 'free' I feel to move, and the pain level is back down again.
My mind is so blank that I'm going to go backwards and grab stuff from this day through the years. (An hour later- smashing and recoding webkits will always be my go-to during brain glitch/fail. If you ever don't see me for awhile, I'm swimming delightfully through html.)
"I am loathe to enter on loseit.com that I just ate a third of a pound of bacon while I was wrestling all that out on the keyboard."
From 2014 on SyfyDesigns. (Ok, I actually linked the day before because it's way better than a year ago today, but you'll still be able to see today after it.)
From 2013 on SyfyDesigns, again, one day before today, in the middle of a whole page of Tony luv.
From 2012, sorry no link, it's private from here on back, so you get more than one sentence if I deem it worthy.
Wow, is my brain gone. This is later. I tried to count some days, and it took me 5 tries to get past 20 correctly. I'd blame the antibiotic, but this morning I counted even worse. Maybe it's the sinus. Now I'm wondering how in the world I picked up groceries and two prescriptions with $23 today. I think it was $5 each for pills (generic) which is $10, and $13 for milk and a couple other things, and I still brought home change. I just do these things, the numbers float around independently. Not sure why a light bulb came on *now*.
If I don't lay down real soon, I feel like my body will pull a Transformers thing and refold itself into a horizontal position without my consent and I'll be so surprised to find my eyeballs looking up from the middle somewhere. Later.
Oh, gotta share this one. I keep getting footprints on fortuna from someone in --- who thinks they're browsing anonymously, but referral gives me their xanga name embedded in 'private home' xanga address, so I looked it up. He's a 16 year old supergay in love with another boy at school, and they carry on like little girls swooning, and I'm wondering what in the world is Lexx to him, because he comes in on Lexx pages, and has been since I started. For some reason, I just think that's really funny. Maybe because I've been drowning in European middle agers swooning over young Irish actor Colin Morgan in the Merlin fandom. The young Irish supergay wants old Lexx...
Colin can't believe it, either. (For the record, I thought this was pretty awesome. You guys know the little thrills I get from tracker stat puzzles.) (Also for the record, the 'gotta share' was because one person in the entire world could see this private blog.)
From 2011.
Well, dawn has been cracked for 30 minutes and I see no sign of Scott, but neither do I see a single crow hanging around the bird feeder and they're not even flying over cawing, which is very unusual, so I'm betting they are watching Scott somewhere. I've seen deer come into the back yard and nibble groundcover within 15 feet of the crows, and if the crows take off, so do the deer, so I know the deer are watching the crows. The routine is way out of kilter this morning, even though the Boyd boys don't seem to be around now, so who knows how the Mighty Hunter might be triggering events in his environment.
I just shake my head at him. He almost got after me for putting so many onions in the meatloaf, and I rolled my eyes, here we go again. The deer will smell your onion breath... He decided that's ok, he could use scope. ~Seriously?~ Yeah, why not? Um. Can we *think* about that one? If deer would actually be spooked by something as natural as onion breath, which I'm sure they themselves must have on the occasion with all the wild stuff we have growing in SW MO, surely *scope* would be worse...? The deer smell minty fresh breath on the wind and call an all clear... He goes to all the trouble to rewash clean clothes in unscented high dollar soap just so it won't smell like laundry, and he rinses with scope. And he thinks I'm a real dingle berry making a big deal about the scope. As you can imagine, we're kinda bickering a bit since deer season started.
There is no way I can write any more without it continually coming back to deer season bugging me, especially after me nearly hurting myself helping Scott get that stupid deer stand up and he's not even using it. I should just walk away.
(This next is usually what happens after Scott comes home without a deer.)
We have lights up on the back deck! I told Scott to stop at that, the cantina lights. Don't want to come out of a 5-6 year slump to regret doing it, right? We also went next door and strung up lights around the roof of gram's house, easy and quick and cheerful.
From 2010, the year I picked up hand-foot-mouth disease from the arm of a waiting room chair because I was so careful not to touch anything else in a room full of old people waiting to be called back for colonoscopies (I was a driver) while they kept racing in and out to a bathroom down the hall. The walk-in clinic doctor I saw a few days later couldn't believe I didn't get it from a child, but I hadn't been around any children at all in months, so all y'alls- WASH YOUR HANDS!!!!>=l That's just disgusting. I'm surrounded by peasants everywhere I go.
Feeling weird and goofy with all these spots in my mouth. New one under my tongue, only bothers me when I eat. Easy to dehydrate with this, don't like anything touching my throat, even cool water. Really tired of numbing, and it tastes gross. Actually, my taste is screwed up anyway with these welts on my tongue. Hot chocolate and eggnog easiest to get down. Still having wobbly spells, musta woke up in another fever last night. Fingertips are getting real sensitive, figure it's the little hand blisters coming on under the skin. Can't see them yet, but feels uncomfortable. Feet feel hot and uncomfortable, not even bothering to look at them. Eyes are really itchy, have what looks like super glue sheeting in the corners, can't get it out for anything. Prolly part of the virus.
From 2009. What can I say. It was a hella rough year and this show got me through it.
I see Mac's mom on Always Sunny in Philadelphia and think, that's probably what I'm going to look like some day, but without the chain smoking. I think she's hilarious.
(This vid is an update smuggled back onto youtube. Love fans.)
I was slightly double blogging that year as I shifted away from this other private blog in an attempt to get a better attitude going, so what's coming next is this baditude. I've credited in a couple of public posts that being pissy and even hateful is what got me through and helped me survive the suckiest parts of my life. I learned all new respect for hateful people that year. Only thing is, I finally couldn't stand myself like that and eventually figured out I need people, and then made a plan to come back out for good this time, and that's what Pinky blog is. Imagine me evolving from this crap to love letter blog.
After a good think for a few days, I told the psychologist today that I've decided I'm not cut out to be a social networking person, and I think the problem I'm having with everyone else on myspace and facebook over the last couple years is me not being able to tolerate the incongruity that lies in whiny one-liners that don't match real life.
~lotta deleted gossip~
It's things like that why I need to just stop logging in to social networks. I love these people in real life. Online I can't stand them...
Anyway, going forward. Huge change in my life, closing down everything I've done since '04 and sealing it off from not only the public, but especially from my own family.
~lots more deleted gossip~
I feel like I'm throwing shackles off, it feels good. No longer tied down to others' needs and messes, free of the silliness. I tried so hard to follow them around on social networking in order to stay in touch when they'd go months between phone calls and even longer never seeing me in person.
I asked -- today if she'd like to go back out to Carthage sometime to the Precious Moments museum, like when we went with Mom. She has no memory of me going with them... She was so surprised that I could recall details, like the stained glass ceiling in the library on the town square, etc. I told her I felt very bad that day and tagged along and didn't talk much, but I didn't say that my feelings felt flung off a hamster wheel that she wouldn't remember hours of me hanging out with them. Even in really bad pain, that trip meant a lot to me, and I still remember tons of details.
I remember my mom started forgetting lots of stuff by the time I was in high school and then raising kids. She didn't remember things from my childhood that even now I still remember clearly. -- is already forgetting big chunks of stuff from just the last ten years, so much so that it's impossible to talk to her about some stuff. And now --...
Oh, well. Like I said, moving forward now.
From 2008. This time of year is like a rerun. Every year we go through this same convo, same actions, same everything.
Scott's busy little brain is working out a schedule this weekend. He wants to go out hunting early Saturday morning, and I guess he's so excited or something that he can't sleep. I got up around 4 and he was already gone to work. He usually doesn't leave until 5. Then we yakked on the phone because he was the only one at work, and he's busy planning and over planning how and when and where he's going to get new long underwear (I told him I saw some in a Target sale ad) and all the high energy drinks and water and snacks and food he's going to need to take, and the times he'll send text messages so I'll know he's ok, etc. And he's wanting to do a last yard mowing, but he can't because he'll go out into the woods sneezing (mowing has him sneezing for 24 hours), so he'll have to mow Sunday, yada yada yada.
The fabulous flu shot rush is over. Back to same ol' same ol'. Man, that was awesome.
Up against Scott's manager at work this week in fantasy football. Picked up a different tight end, otherwise not sure if I should change anything. I was ~so close~ to beating Scott, and the Rocketdogs (the manager's team) didn't do that great last week, even though the fantasy site carries on like all his guys are so great. The deeper we go into this, the more I feel I'm throwing dice in a Parcheesi game. There goes my fatalistic attitude, eh? Scott says he's going to take over and play for me if I don't get on it.
Scott caved and ordered a smoked turkey from a coworker's kid from some kind of school fundraiser, and it arrived, there's no room in the freezer, so it's thawing in the fridge. Now I am challenged to hack a 12 pound turkey down to manageable portions and design meals around them. And we decided last year we don't even really like turkey.
Deer are all over the place. Scott saw one in our front yard eating persimmons right by the road when he went out to start his truck at 5 a.m. Now it's about 7, dawn is cracking, I'm hearing gun shots galore. FromMissouri Whitetail Deer Hunting Trips- "The 1st Gun Season in 2008 is November 15th through November 18th. The 2nd Gun Season is November 22nd through November 25th."These are gunshots within a quarter mile of my house. This is nearly as irritating as dealing with loose dogs. I remember one year the girls and I were walking out to the car so I could drive them to school, and a shot ricocheted right through the yard, we could hear it whistle by. I texted Scott about this morning's shots, he called in and reported it.
From 2007. I'm a super cynical minimalist. You guys don't see these kinds of long, ranty thinking. I do have a better car now, though. And my couch and TV have since been upgraded. Looking back on this is funny, because I live in a house on a 4ish acre lot that could go for $1M in California.
Twinkles wants an ipod touch for Christmas, so Scott and I talked to a Best Buy guy over the weekend about it. He said so many people bring those back, disappointed that it's not the same thing as an iphone. And he showed us an ipod for only $50 more that can hold 160GB, the equivalent of 40,000 songs. We said no thanks.
While we were walking around the store on our own, dreaming of tvs (we're still using a 19" from the stone age), I told Scott if Twinkles got an iphone and either lost it or damaged it, she'd be freaking out over losing so much technology that was in one place, so I think it would be better to spread that stuff out into several gadgets.
Lo and behold, on Chuck last night, a customer comes into the store totally freaking out that her iphone has died, her whole life is on it, she can't live without it, etc.
My own life is very simple. I don't own an ipod. I still own vinyl albums and a turn table, plus cassettes and cds. My old cd player is over 8 years old and still works fine. I wouldn't mind having a stereo that converts vinyl to digital, but I'm not dying over not having it. My car is a '99 Lumina with the paint starting to peel. People scrape it a little all the time and I don't care because it's old. In my mind, it's my baby Lamborghini, even though the cd player stopped working years ago and the seats are so worn down we can feel the metal bars. I don't own a dishwasher. I don't have a lot of fancy electronic gadgets in my kitchen. I mostly eat off plastic plates and have only one stainless steel pan. My couch is 17 years old. I don't own any special kind of bed. Most of my clothes are over 5 years old, some way more than that. Our microwave is ancient.
I walk around big stores and think-- clutter. Having to clean something. Granted, I'd like a new couch and tv, but I can hardly complain while Scott is paying cash for so much of my medical, right?
I get on my computer and I'm so bored with it I mostly just blog and leave. I feel like I've seen it all, done it all on the computer. I could honestly live without one if I had to, although I do like it for keeping in touch with humanity because I'm such a hermit.
I neglected to log onto a few of my fansite myspaces for about a week while I was having those super bad headaches, so when I finally did, this chick (the one who says I'm a wizard) is flagellating herself for possibly saying something wrong-- why am I ignoring her? So she starts talking about my top friends on those sites, I guess she's buddying up to my friends, and I'm going great, another ~stalker~... Thank goodness this one is overseas, or at least I *hope* so. I get this lengthy note about how friends depend on one another, etc., I have to realize this even if I need my space, etc, and I'm shaking my head going dang, she's been friended with me, what, two or three months? And she's already giving me lectures and telling me all this stuff about how her Johnny Depp painting (she's NOT good...) and therefore Johnny Depp's own spirit 'saved' her life from electrocution because it looked at her when she started to pound a nail into a wall, and she found out she might have gone right through an electrical wire... I know building codes, electrical wires are usually bundled along studs and not lying right next to sheet rock, but what do you say? Um, yeah, indigenous peoples believed that we put bits of our energy into our artwork, so maybe that was really yourself saving your life... Needless to even mention, she has no clue that I have other myspaces, particularly not the vanyablo. Geez. But if a couple of you here just HAPPEN to get friend requests from a chick called "---", deny deny deny. Save yourself some trouble. She's just another 'looter' out to dig up anything she can to find out who and where I really am. People like that attach themselves to me all the time. I just ignore it.
~deleting gossip~
THIS is why I hang onto a private xanga blog. I don't have a myspace out there I can say stuff like this on without either inciting a riot or committing a federal crime. I can't talk about Twinkles because so many people in her OWN FAMILY and ---'s family stalk her every move and everyone on her friend list. I can't even post public pictures of her, even though she has given me permission, because --- has conniptions if I do. I'm sure if Twinkles can find my vanyablo through the maze of friend lists on several sites, so can "---". She will scour all my 500 different friends and notice that several of them have Yablo in their top 8 and figure out we're all family, and she'll eventually discover I've been holding out on her. Then she'll go through an angry pout thing, even though she's in the UK and is NOT my family, and I have no idea why in the world people get so weird. But I certainly seem to attract them.
I have nothing saved from further back from 2007. The rest of my life on the webs from 1994-2006 is truly gone, unless you are fixated on me enough to go haunt old forums, most of which are also gone now. A couple of fansites around the world saved some old stuff, the most famous is this one. The group my name links to was a group I created and ran. The pic clicks back and the quote below it is from that site.
I linked this text snip to the original group address, but it's no longer there, of course. Just an empty spot from back in the day, before Lexx took over my life.
Ok, back to 2015. My brain is a little more on, but now I've got nerve/muscle twitching all over my face, kinda maddening. The guy who did my ASTYM yesterday is a neck expert (neckspert) and could feel a catch midway down between a couple of processes looking left. That area is supposed to be able to allow a nerve glide and may be part of this whole problem down my arms, and it's the spot I tore getting flung out of a flipping car. I've got definite scar tissue in there that everyone can feel. Anyway, as we continue shredding down the thick scar tissue, nerves keep getting liberated from entrapment in hardened soft tissues, and then I get this reverb for a few days as the nerve pathways run diagnostics (he thought it was funny that I put it like that), and apparently this one set off the trigeminal and 7th cranial, so now my face feels really busy, although I doubt I'd be able to see it in a mirror. I've lived with nerve healing all over my body, takes years, and I think a lot of people mistake nerve healing 'pain' for something being wrong when it's actually nerves coming back on. They tend to quit physical therapy before the people helping them can really get in there. I'm one of those miracle people, but only because I have stuck out the therapy for several years now. People who never knew me before don't believe I was crippled to a standstill and homebound for awhile.
Ok, enough of that. FOCUS!
The internet isn't helping. I clicked on this
and wound up with this.
This is lappy's wallpaper today, lol. It clicks to the Morgan character wiki. You're welcome.
Sorta getting a plan going. Supper stuff out thawing, new pine scented candle lit so I'll feel holiday-y, basically just clearing speed zones through the house because once Scott gets home from work, deer season is ON and he'll be in and out fussing over a deer stand and getting stuff lined up and spread out, no onions or other odorous yum allowed tonight so keeping it simple and bland (*never* feed your man beans before a hunt- just- *don't*, you'll hear for days how it was all your fault the deer never showed up), continue the hydration-protein-workout-REST regime, and if you don't see me much this weekend, things will be pretty crazy over here.
I need some kind of breakfast. Not sure what sort of motivational jam I can get into yet. Still kinda in shock, nothing too bouncy. How about this. I like it. Yes, of course it's subtext.
Ok, mind blown at 4 this morning, moving on with my day. Batman is getting his tonsils out in about an hour, I start a new round of physical therapy in 3 hours. Finally signed a roofing contract last night, sounds like it's going to be wonderfully awesomely smooth and easy having this team after two decades of struggling with fixing botched home repairs. I'm not against anyone, but there's a reason people say never hire friends and family.
Time to get my brain in. FOCUS! Yeah, no, not like this... Little too focused there. Don't wanna stand in my shower staring like that.
I've never seen this version, but @bonenado has. He's seen ALL THE SHERLOCK HOLMES. I like this song.
