Chaos 101

Back to basics. It all started with picking up a few spirals, some fun stickers, and a package of colored pens. And sox. I very slowly turned my life around and turned it inside out into something different.

And now it's really different, because not only was I successful, but the whole Bunny bomb came along a few months later, and the entire Plan turned into mobile office, yet still progressively growing.

It has grown into more than 40 spirals, at least 10 mini spirals, a solid preference for Pilot G-2 05 or 07 pens, and a wicked knowledge of novelty socks, which actually started years before during my retail phase.

I told psyche guy that I normally use the chaos and even enjoy the chaos, but lately I've been feeling like I'm drowning in it, more like losing control of the Plan and not really progressing (although the internet begs to differ in a few ways). Basically, I feel *stuck*. It has nothing to to with writer's block or not being able to keep up with the house (the chores have become very easy over the years), or even a lack of motivation (I'm still very strongly motivated). After a great big think over the last couple of months, it hit me that the problem is I dropped the Lists.

Lists are fine for the daily things, like shopping or getting a few things done around the house, maybe extracurricular like getting phone calls made and forms filled out, but one thing I learned from The Nerdist Way was to keep track of #allthethings, and I used to do it in a special spiral that finally couldn't handle all the spread, so I chucked it aside and kept moving.

There's no excuse, guys, this is getting dirt cheap. Not being compensated, just I love him.

So I thought back about how I used to keep track of what I did because back then I was so brain glitchy I actually had to. I'm not so glitchy now, but you know what? Maybe that's exactly what I need again, only on a much bigger scale this time.

So I picked up a 5 subject spiral from Walgreens with a few of my vast hoard of points, plus it was on sale, so sweet deal, and then I got a 3 subject spiral at Walmart later for el cheapo because back to school is close to finishing off, so I've got 8 sections I can use for logging, like a daily journal library.

In the olden days, I would make lists of things I wanted to do, like this or that for SyfyDesigns, or an idea I had for a certain blog, something techy I needed to go fix, and back then, having a few things like that written down gave me some direction to focus on, and when I needed the distraction, I'd go get something done. Usually each thing would take only a few minutes or maybe even an hour, and once it was done, I could write down that I'd done it in my 'done' spiral, which over time gave me loads of assurance that I really was getting a lot of stuff done, even though it felt like I was crawling along barely doing anything. And over time, all that showed up on the webs as 'presence', and I kept stumbling into ways to see what my 'net' worth is, if I may be so punny.

I need that back. In triplicate and quadruplicate. I need more than a puny spiral now. I'm running a ship with lots of different departments that need supervising, and I am the Overlord of my multiple domains. I can't smash all the things together any more, it's too chaotic.

Yep, you're guessing it. One section in the 8 subject sections will be SyfyDesigns, another section will be tech fix stuff, etc. First page of each section will be all the things that pop into my mind to maybe do in future, and pages after that will be logging when I've gotten it done, so I can look back through like a work log. It's more than a matter of ticking off a list now, it's keeping a sense of time flow and progress without losing sight of #allthethings.

He restarted his life with this, and look at him owning the world now. #NewtoWho (jumped the pond, guys) #TalkingDead (THE show to watch after the hottest zombie show ever) #Midnight (owns twitter), and that's barely even touching all the stuff he's done and still doing.

btw, caution on this vid, it's really gross.


So if anyone has a plan to get out of an anxiety-filled slump funk, it's this guy. And if anyone is a #spoonie #autismspectrum #depression survivor, it's me. I'm clawing my way out of my hellhole, albeit slowly, but ENOUGH OF THIS, WHERE IS SHERLOCK. I'VE GOT A TUNNEL SYSTEM TO FINISH ON MO CREATURES and other subtext ye know not of.

words that rhyme with drastic

Playing with my pov on moc yesterday. The chat is hilarious.


"Wow, that was drastic." My reaction about 20 minutes into switching back to my old beta blocker yesterday morning. The closest I can come to describing how I felt on the cartia all day long for 3 weeks was like my heart was in jail and couldn't move the way it wanted to. It felt restricted, and I could feel it straining against the tethers trying to do what it thought it was supposed to do. It was unpleasant, to put it mildly. It worked super good the first week for blood pressure, but by the end of second week I'd slid into bradycardia, spurts of vasoconstriction (I'm sure my body was trying its hardest to get my blood pressure back up), a constant short of breath feeling, and complete lethargy. Yesterday morning was a very physical relief when that beta blocker hit systems and suddenly jail was gone and I my breathing relaxed. It felt like a big deal, like those shows where everyone in mission control at NASA suddenly relaxes because they finally hear from the astronauts again.

I didn't even think "Maybe I should stay home because I just made a big sweeping change in my body again." No, I went out and voted, and then chugged on up the highway on a heat index day to get some very much needed groceries. Well guess what. I had the total opposite of an anxiety attack. I went pure goofball for about an hour. It wasn't like being high, probably more like, while my body was readjusting all that blood pressure command stuff, possibly being on the verge of fainting. I was an idiot not to have a little power cuff with me to see what was going on, but when I finally reached town, I pulled into the post office, pulled up an analog clock on my phone, and did a minute long heart rate count and got 72, so I knew I'd be ok. I was coming back from bradycardia.

Quick random torture break.


And of course I had an almost immediate need for benadryl because beta blocker bumps histamine levels, but maybe it won't be such a fight now to get that zyrtec doubled again. I had to back off on that this last week, couldn't tell if it was making my med situation worse, but I felt more comfortable backing off. There aren't any drug interaction precautions between either blood pressure pill being taken with zyrtec or neurontin, but there's a moderate warning on zyrtec and neurontin, and with my body fighting the cartia so hard, and the zyrtec/neurontin combo doing the opposite, I think the reason I went from sleeping awesome to not sleeping again is because I was already in bradycardia, there was no way my brain was going to let me add more possible drowsiness, so I went into full alert mode and back to sleeping 6 or less hours a night.

Ok, you people who wonder why you still can't sleep when you're popping tons to stuff to help you sleep- I just demonstrated that your brain will do everything in its power to keep you breathing through the night, and some of us are very sensitive to chemical change in our internal environments forcing our bodies to do stuff, and our brains don't like that. So trying to restrain can actually kick us into high gear. I've been trying to get this through to doctors for years. I have become so med sensitive that even just small doses of anything trying to change something in my body, even for pain relief, can set off system alarms for hours.

One biggie I noticed fairly quickly yesterday was that the continual optic nerve headache I had developed on the cartia melted away through the day. I'm not fighting to use my eyes this morning. Optic nerve headaches usually make doctors think high blood pressure, and my every other day nsaid pill is well known for auras as it raises blood pressure in the brain and around the eyes. Things like prednisone and neurontin on top of that pain med make it worse for me, so this is a long-term thing proactive problem solving thing, planning for pain control maintenance without crossing too many streams if something goes haywire. For the cartia to somehow be lending to optic nerve pain (intuitively it should do the opposite) is important, but some of the side effects include muscle weakness (eye strain isn't mentioned) and possible higher infection risk (which means my autoimmune inflammation level could go berserk), and since I did develop the sore throat listed in common side effects and a spike in my tinnitus, yeah, I can totally see where cartia could be involved with nerve response around my trigeminal neuralgia and guess what I found. omg.

Another break in case you actually clicked and tried to read that stuff.


So, yeah. Don't blow symptoms off. Just because your doctor isn't aware or common literature doesn't mention doesn't mean there isn't a study or research out there somewhere very specifically detailing what is happening in your body when you try a new med out. I know I go deeper into research than a lot of people might be able to go (I have training in medical terminology and nursing and I'm a research bloodhound), but I've found things validating all kinds of problems I've had on meds. I spent ten years on amitriptyline before I finally found research about how it impacts bladder long term. I was going in monthly checking for nonexistent UTIs and my doctor thought I was going hypochondriac and didn't know what to do with me. Many years later, a neurologist wants me back on it to control pain in my spine, and a psychiatrist said no way because it makes bipolar worse. This is why you need to put together a medical team. All the hands need to know what the other hands are doing at all times. People wonder why they're miserable on meds, doctors add more meds, sometimes people find new doctors and fail to tell them everything, they wind up with even more complications, and basically it turns into a game of how long can we keep twisting up this body until it croaks off. And then we blame doctors and pharma when it's really US expecting someone to fix our whining and complaining while we keep destroying ourselves with junk and sitting around too much. The kicker for my doctor is whether a med stops me from being more functional in some way, and not being able to exercise is a definite ohHELLno on his side effect list. I see way too many people in forums complaining that their doctors won't listen and change their meds, well, find your doctor's trigger. Simplify it down to what your doctor wants to see happening with you.

I understand it's a LOT of work to learn how your body works at a cellular level or take a nutrition class or do real meal planning and your own cooking, and it really is hard to get off soda pop and turn your tech off once in awhile (and stop drinking and smoking and whatever), but if you are sliding down this 'aging' thing and wondering by your 30s and 40s why celebrities look so good at 50 and you don't, you need to figure out your priorities and what you want as an older person. Me, I wanna be able to keep dressing myself and driving a car, and don't think you can skid right up to that brink and suddenly save it all at the last minute by changing all your bad habits later. I think I mentioned somewhere the hotel guest that cussed me out for looking younger than her, with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other, and she stormed off to sit by the pool. If looking in the mirror depresses you and other people looking healthier pisses you off, do something about it.

We can feel sorry for ourselves, or we can pay attention, but if you're not playing survival mode in this world, you'll get left behind sooner or later. This will always be my M.O.

"I think you're great, just fantastic." Free associating. Rhymes with drastic. I'm still in super focus goofball mode.


Apologies for all that, hope you guys have a good day, and here is a nice brain cleanser. Please notice the currently most powerfully influential people in the world all lined up in a row. (I'm not kidding. Look it up.)

get me some feliz, stat!

OH, I need some Christmas cheer.


One of my nieces went last night, friend of theirs is 501st. I saw this going around, had to nab it for her, just had a kid last month and named it Rogue, so next year he'll be one. Get it? Beat that, guys.

Can you blame the guy? Yeah, after what happened to Vulcan... No one is sacred any more. But some of you have seen the movie now, hoping the disturbance I felt in the Force yesterday wasn't y'all freaking out about anything really bad.

I woke up thinking I need to pull out the big guns today, wound up in NSFW Lady Gaga Land (I forgot about the really early Christmas stuff), then the angsty SW stuff, and I'm pretty much descending into holiday hell. I'll just leave it here and keep getting ready for Houston to asplode Christmas 4 days early at my house. I don't think anything tops John Crichton and Scorpius Claus today. I'm sure my Sploit would approve.

aspienado selfie kind of a day

Fluid-filled ears, TMJ, and bacon. That's all there is today. Every time I walk into another room, my brain falls out. I'm going in circles. I keep coming back to the bacon I cooked up, so at least there's that. About two hours ago I thought I'd better go put some clothes on. I just realized I'm still in my pajamas, so I'm going to go put some clothes on. BRB.


Yes, I had to write out instructions to myself and go follow them. I'm back with real clothes on, matching pink underneath my orange FINAO tee. I meant to tell you guys several days ago my fave sock ever finally bit the dust. Yeah, the green one sticking its tongue out.

And now I'm getting supper cooked up ahead because it's just too hot to cook later. Italian chicken fingers, yay! Which we'll have with salads this evening. I feel like I need a vigorous back massage with brass knuckles, or at least a few nails jabbed in for homestyle acupuncture, so let's just keep distracting me while stuff cooks. I got this the other day, too. It's really hard to get a good pic where the gray actually shows up. That's my wizard hair. I'm a wizard.

My mom was all white by this age, so I don't know what's wrong with me, it's still all brown and red except for those very front pieces trailing back.

You guys probably won't believe me telling you I already knew when I was a little girl that I wanted wise old woman hair when I grew up. I've always thought white hair is awesome. I mean, aside from blue hair. I've ALWAYS wanted blue hair. Now that I'm so allergic to makeup that just watching these makes my eyes puff up, I realize I missed all the fun. It's worth clicking out and reading the description for this one, lotta people have skin challenges.


My parents would have freaked completely out over this.

I think this is my all-time fave baby pic in the family.

I didn't know 'goth your baby' is a real thing. I also didn't know Is Your Child a Godless Goth? is a real thing. O_O *wow* Seeing's how I live in the bible belt, I feel quite comfortable suggesting the maybe 'goth' is a reaction to *cough* overzealous parents *cough*. History of modern Goth. What was that, a music lesson? Here we go- History of original Goth.

"Since histories have relied primarily on Roman sources to present the history of the Goths, these people are frequently equated with the concept of the "uncivilized barbarian" or the "noble savage". In fact, they were neither. As Wolfram points out, their history cannot be claimed as that of the ancient German people nor of the Slavic people nor of any people presently living (74-75). The Goths entered history at a pivotal moment in the decline of the Roman Empire and played their part in that drama. With the empire gone, they ruled over two great kingdoms: one of Odoacer and Theodoric the Great in Italy, and the other in France (that of Theodoric I). In Totila, the last great king of the Ostrogoths, they produced one of the most brilliant military leaders in history, a match for the legendary Belisarius of Rome, known as the "Last of the Romans'. With Belisarius' victory, the history of the Goths ends. It is therefore difficult at first to determine exactly what the legacy of the Goths is to the modern-day world until one realizes that, without them, there would not be one. The kingdom of Odoacer preserved the best aspects of the Roman Empire and that of Theodoric the Great maintained that preservation. Western civilization continued after the fall of Rome, an entity that was disintegrating daily and would have fallen anyway even if the Goths had never set a single boot on Roman soil; it was the Goths who preserved the light of western civilization, even as they helped to topple the empire that had given rise to it."

Even on days where I feel like my brain keeps falling out and don't feel like I'm getting anything done, I actually get a lot done. Research counts. Moving pictures off my phone counts. Practicing my writing skills counts. I learned from Chris Hardwick that all that counts. That's why I don't get so depressed any more over it. I'm still inching forward. I'm still creating content and sharing my soul with other people who might be stuck today.

Back to some fun stuff! Bunny got pictures made the other day, this little outfit knocks me out, I love it. Like a tiny flapper girl.

Batman is partially indigenous to this country. I grew up near a reservation, so it tickles me to hear him doing a circle chant without any prompting or even being exposed to one. Native American Prayers


I guess I need something besides a couple pieces of bacon in me. This might be a good day to go watch a Sherlock ep again and notice more background stuff.