words that rhyme with drastic

Playing with my pov on moc yesterday. The chat is hilarious.


"Wow, that was drastic." My reaction about 20 minutes into switching back to my old beta blocker yesterday morning. The closest I can come to describing how I felt on the cartia all day long for 3 weeks was like my heart was in jail and couldn't move the way it wanted to. It felt restricted, and I could feel it straining against the tethers trying to do what it thought it was supposed to do. It was unpleasant, to put it mildly. It worked super good the first week for blood pressure, but by the end of second week I'd slid into bradycardia, spurts of vasoconstriction (I'm sure my body was trying its hardest to get my blood pressure back up), a constant short of breath feeling, and complete lethargy. Yesterday morning was a very physical relief when that beta blocker hit systems and suddenly jail was gone and I my breathing relaxed. It felt like a big deal, like those shows where everyone in mission control at NASA suddenly relaxes because they finally hear from the astronauts again.

I didn't even think "Maybe I should stay home because I just made a big sweeping change in my body again." No, I went out and voted, and then chugged on up the highway on a heat index day to get some very much needed groceries. Well guess what. I had the total opposite of an anxiety attack. I went pure goofball for about an hour. It wasn't like being high, probably more like, while my body was readjusting all that blood pressure command stuff, possibly being on the verge of fainting. I was an idiot not to have a little power cuff with me to see what was going on, but when I finally reached town, I pulled into the post office, pulled up an analog clock on my phone, and did a minute long heart rate count and got 72, so I knew I'd be ok. I was coming back from bradycardia.

Quick random torture break.


And of course I had an almost immediate need for benadryl because beta blocker bumps histamine levels, but maybe it won't be such a fight now to get that zyrtec doubled again. I had to back off on that this last week, couldn't tell if it was making my med situation worse, but I felt more comfortable backing off. There aren't any drug interaction precautions between either blood pressure pill being taken with zyrtec or neurontin, but there's a moderate warning on zyrtec and neurontin, and with my body fighting the cartia so hard, and the zyrtec/neurontin combo doing the opposite, I think the reason I went from sleeping awesome to not sleeping again is because I was already in bradycardia, there was no way my brain was going to let me add more possible drowsiness, so I went into full alert mode and back to sleeping 6 or less hours a night.

Ok, you people who wonder why you still can't sleep when you're popping tons to stuff to help you sleep- I just demonstrated that your brain will do everything in its power to keep you breathing through the night, and some of us are very sensitive to chemical change in our internal environments forcing our bodies to do stuff, and our brains don't like that. So trying to restrain can actually kick us into high gear. I've been trying to get this through to doctors for years. I have become so med sensitive that even just small doses of anything trying to change something in my body, even for pain relief, can set off system alarms for hours.

One biggie I noticed fairly quickly yesterday was that the continual optic nerve headache I had developed on the cartia melted away through the day. I'm not fighting to use my eyes this morning. Optic nerve headaches usually make doctors think high blood pressure, and my every other day nsaid pill is well known for auras as it raises blood pressure in the brain and around the eyes. Things like prednisone and neurontin on top of that pain med make it worse for me, so this is a long-term thing proactive problem solving thing, planning for pain control maintenance without crossing too many streams if something goes haywire. For the cartia to somehow be lending to optic nerve pain (intuitively it should do the opposite) is important, but some of the side effects include muscle weakness (eye strain isn't mentioned) and possible higher infection risk (which means my autoimmune inflammation level could go berserk), and since I did develop the sore throat listed in common side effects and a spike in my tinnitus, yeah, I can totally see where cartia could be involved with nerve response around my trigeminal neuralgia and guess what I found. omg.

Another break in case you actually clicked and tried to read that stuff.


So, yeah. Don't blow symptoms off. Just because your doctor isn't aware or common literature doesn't mention doesn't mean there isn't a study or research out there somewhere very specifically detailing what is happening in your body when you try a new med out. I know I go deeper into research than a lot of people might be able to go (I have training in medical terminology and nursing and I'm a research bloodhound), but I've found things validating all kinds of problems I've had on meds. I spent ten years on amitriptyline before I finally found research about how it impacts bladder long term. I was going in monthly checking for nonexistent UTIs and my doctor thought I was going hypochondriac and didn't know what to do with me. Many years later, a neurologist wants me back on it to control pain in my spine, and a psychiatrist said no way because it makes bipolar worse. This is why you need to put together a medical team. All the hands need to know what the other hands are doing at all times. People wonder why they're miserable on meds, doctors add more meds, sometimes people find new doctors and fail to tell them everything, they wind up with even more complications, and basically it turns into a game of how long can we keep twisting up this body until it croaks off. And then we blame doctors and pharma when it's really US expecting someone to fix our whining and complaining while we keep destroying ourselves with junk and sitting around too much. The kicker for my doctor is whether a med stops me from being more functional in some way, and not being able to exercise is a definite ohHELLno on his side effect list. I see way too many people in forums complaining that their doctors won't listen and change their meds, well, find your doctor's trigger. Simplify it down to what your doctor wants to see happening with you.

I understand it's a LOT of work to learn how your body works at a cellular level or take a nutrition class or do real meal planning and your own cooking, and it really is hard to get off soda pop and turn your tech off once in awhile (and stop drinking and smoking and whatever), but if you are sliding down this 'aging' thing and wondering by your 30s and 40s why celebrities look so good at 50 and you don't, you need to figure out your priorities and what you want as an older person. Me, I wanna be able to keep dressing myself and driving a car, and don't think you can skid right up to that brink and suddenly save it all at the last minute by changing all your bad habits later. I think I mentioned somewhere the hotel guest that cussed me out for looking younger than her, with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other, and she stormed off to sit by the pool. If looking in the mirror depresses you and other people looking healthier pisses you off, do something about it.

We can feel sorry for ourselves, or we can pay attention, but if you're not playing survival mode in this world, you'll get left behind sooner or later. This will always be my M.O.

"I think you're great, just fantastic." Free associating. Rhymes with drastic. I'm still in super focus goofball mode.


Apologies for all that, hope you guys have a good day, and here is a nice brain cleanser. Please notice the currently most powerfully influential people in the world all lined up in a row. (I'm not kidding. Look it up.)

candy all the time

Aaaaand my goats and ostriches are dead.  This one is called a big golem and starts out like this.

Yeah, pretty innocuous looking. But.


Now I wanna run around and go find another one... I think the damage it does must repair itself like the creeper damage does on mo creatures. I was very surprised I didn't have to fix my fence and gardens and steps and replant trees and stuff.

Doctor messaged back yesterday, back to the original blood pressure med till I see him, yay! I think this is the second time I've tried cartia, first time a week in 2011, lasted 3 weeks this time. I know there's all this new research on my long time beta blocker not being ideal, but the reason I've been on it so long is because it's been so dependable for rhythm, even if I don't hit the intended pressure marks. I have relatives with pacemakers, trying to hold that off as long as possible. I've already had a rhythm correction surgery.

Again, anti-vaxxers, please note that heart rhythm problems through adulthood are a direct effect of untreated high fevers during bacterial and viral illnesses in childhood, like strep, measles, and lyme. I am your guinea pig example for what your kids could spend their lives with (if meningitis doesn't kill them first), so reconsider those vaccines, ok? I'm naturally born autism-spectrum. Vaccines didn't create aspienado, but NOT getting vaccines have caused decades of heart rhythm problems, along with many other autoimmune liabilities. Not everyone in the olden days lived to ripe old ages. Many died by their 30s and 40s of heart failure and other complications. That is why we have heart surgeons now, guys, because it's so stinkin' common in older people. Not all of it is sticky plaque from poor diets and smoking.

@bonenado and I cracking up this morning over whose plan is more viable, my govt player plan or his zombie escape plan. We each take our plans very seriously. I always go vote, not because I believe it counts or matters in an electoral college state, but so I'll have a spotless record as a good proletariat citizen who complies and stays under the radar. Well, I'm sure their bots crawl my blogs when key words come up, but my imaginary conspiracy awareness is probably more realistic than @bonenado's zombie defense system. We really have a zombie defense system. Yes, I live with a man who very seriously plans out zombie defense strategies in this house. You did read that right. I first mentioned it in 2012. I really wish he'd blog what's in his head, he'd have way more readers than I do.

I'm bouncing in an out of weirdness, like super flux on these meds, so I surged into power mode yesterday and made executive decisions about rearranging some things in my kitchen, especially my mobile office area. Let's see if it continues today.

musical meds, or, the delightful trepidations of pain management

I wrote this last night.

Doctor follow up report-

• What I was assuming was still withdrawal symptoms from atenolol taper has been deemed breakout SVT, so I get to switch out calcium channel blockers but stay on the beta blocker as is for now.
• The morphine reaction I had in the ER 2 Saturdays ago has indeed been agreed PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms/syndrome) and I am to never have opioids again, EVER. I. am. an. addict.
• Pain management is taking a sharp turn into neurontin over the summer while I wait out the heat-inspired fibro flares. I'm admittedly nervous since I took a bad head trip on lyrica a few years ago and my moods have been a mess lately, but it might possibly help with that, too, if it doesn't cause a meltdown into #destroyallthethings first. I may be making a touch base appointment with my psychiatrist to monitor me since there are warnings galore on that one. I'll start it this weekend while Scott's home in case I get weird.
• My ears look great, so ramping up the zyrtec again was a good call. They feel full and I've had a sore throat, but Mirkwood has gone jungloid on us, and I'm pretty sure all that pollen will eventually mutate me into a giant insect before it's all over.

In the meantime, the Lhermitte's zapping around my left shoulder across my clavicle and shoulder blade and up my neck are going off almost every 5 minutes now. I'm coming really close to wanting cortisone and general anesthesia. I'm guessing that we have been working backward through the years of gradual nerve shutdown and all this coming back on again is mimicking the journey backward. At least I'm hoping so. There's no actual sign of progressive illness going on other than the arthritis in my spine, so yay.

I've decided to share the rough stuff a little more over the summer while I deal because-

1. It helps spoonies to be able to compare notes
2. It makes my mood swings more understandable
3. Talking about my pain while I'm in pain makes me cry, writing is easier
4. This helps me feel more organized and empowered

Is there really a real Plan? Because I've been kind of dropping the ball...

YES. I am blessed with a friend who has been providing personal tech support and key observation input for distraction and dealing. Yesterday was a drag on my head in every conceivable way, but the utter calm and patience of my handler inspired me tremendously. I was able to process and incorporate the experience overnight and woke up feeling ready to tackle the world again, even with a near-nasty pain level and my depression at an all-time high.

I once said I'm the Jack Bauer of depression survival. What my readers witness as I live-blog is the power of the Pinky love letter. I know, those two sentences look horribly mismated, but it makes sense when you know all the stuff. Basically, I'm rotating through a network of support and a good medical team. It took a few years to put it together and get this far, but every hard step has been worth it.

I'm going to be ok. It's important to say that and believe it because I've come so close to not being ok at all this year. I *want* to be ok. How badly do I want this? Badly enough to talk about it on Pinky blog.

I'm dreadfully behind in a list of projects I want to do, but you know what? That doesn't mean anything bad. It used to bother me, and then I couldn't look at it for awhile, and now it feels like stuff to do when I'm ready. Sometimes part of being ready means taking a gap month or two and working on being healthy, you know?

Realistically, though, I'm managing every minute through a static wall of suck, so all this big talk was a nice window of sunshine in an otherwise dismal day. At least it feels like that. Depression lies and pain drags us down yadayada.

Now it is today.

Adjusting to new blood pressure meds is no picnic, and I've learned to just stay prepared for a trip in if something goes awry, such as dressed and hair washed by 5:30 a.m. before I take it at 6 with my breakfast shake.

I sound overly cautious for a reason. The last time my doctor tried to get my BP meds changed I wound up in ER 4 times with super poundy SVT breakouts and I walked around with my blood pressure up in the 180+/110 range for nearly a month. We finally conceded to going back to what he was trying to get me off of just to get it all calmed back down again. This time we are going super slow, easing through very careful changes with my original in place for backup control, and this could conceivably take all summer. With any blood pressure med change or withdrawal comes risks for heart attack, and I have a rhythm history that goes back to high school, so...

Imagine going through all that on top of a pain syndrome referring like mini electrical shocks through pain centers in your chest.

Ok, plan today (if all that doesn't go south) is keep digging my mobile office out of the very scattered multiple explosion strata that has defied my every attempt at organization over the last year while Bunny has herself exploded through super ADHD toddler phase.

This is the most accurate representation I've ever seen of what it's felt like making it through my life in this body.

Still hanging on.

further than I've ever gone

One week into the atenolol withdrawal. It feels like it should be 2 weeks. It really hasn't been that bad like past attempts, thanks to being on a norvasc fail-safe back up this time to hold the crazy break out heart rate surges down. I ran into an article last night saying atenolol dampens body response to adrenaline, which has to slowly adjust to a new default kind of reaction. Imagine that all you have to do is laugh about something or get a little tense watching something happening on TV and your heart rate thuds so noticeably that you can't keep laughing or watching TV. Funny thing is, when I checked it (I've learned NOT to check blood pressure all the time, it's counter intuitive) I got 115/74, so heart rate flying up over 88 (which is laughably slow because I lived with SVT for years, yet bothersomely fast because I've been on BP meds for years since then) didn't feel cool. What was stupider was that this time it had woke me up out of a sound sleep. So, cut my BP med dose in half, my blood pressure actually drops.

By the way, never cold turkey off a beta blocker, it's dangerous enough for some people to actually cause a heart attack.

Anyway, wouldn't it be wild if I finally got off the beta blocker after so many years and my blood pressure was so normal that I'd be able to get back off the calcium channel blocker that we're using as a band aid. I can't even imagine life without a blood pressure med, but all my routine physical stuff is getting so healthy now that it's actually possible.

I'm on the other side of the world now in that screen snip at the top. I started in the -8000s, now I'm headed to the positive 10,000 area. The y coordinate is height, so the z coordinate is the other axis, and that's super positive, too.

This is me not only taking on my demons, but taunting them. Cracks me up to see all those arrows in me, so I do this all the time. Check out the cute little turtle at 13 seconds in.


When I said I hoped June wouldn't be noteworthy because the last several months have been so challenging, I didn't foresee getting off this med. I hope this is the biggest breakthrough ever. Just gotta grit my teeth and want it.

the route to go

Day 5 of cutting the beta blocker dose in half, and the most immediate thing I'm noticing is that I'm not heading for the benadryl, have actually nearly stopped taking it on top of the zyrtec. I've been told for years that beta blockers are bad to spike histamine levels, well, there you go. Hope ragweed season is easier later this year.

There is a fibro condition called costochondritis that I've lived with since the car accident, so pretty much my entire adult life. It is frequently mistaken for heart attack symptoms. I can't even begin to describe like it's like living with a condition like this while withdrawing down a blood pressure med, so I'll just go with sucktastic.

One of my target areas in physical therapy this week is the nerve centers and pathways from the base of my skull down past my left shoulder blade and across the upper front of my chest. Part of my symptoms stimulating that nerve area again is Lhermitte's sign (often associated with multiple scleroris, which I still scan negative for), documented by a surgeon a few years ago who refuses to even touch me with a needle full of any kind of relief because my medical history regarding adverse reactions is so long. The 'shock' really does feel like an electrical shock, it's very painful and makes you jump, and when it runs down the left side of your chest and arm during a costochondritis flare, it plays hell with anxiety and depression. I very seriously might never know if I am truly having a heart attack sometime in my life. I have been checked so often that I loathe to even think about another 6 hours of size 6 IV needle for CT scan, chest x-ray, EKG, tons of blood work, and if I'm lucky, MRI because other vague autoimmune related symptoms that also need to clear me for blood vessel problems in my brain, and if I'm really really lucky, something as stupid as a barium enema or vag ultrasound to check off possible referred pain. I don't get pain relief until that's all over, and by then I'm so worn out that it takes a couple of days just to recover from going into the ER.

So yesterday was fun. All that cute spiky pain across my chest, me very casually and gently working through all the stuff I've learned in therapy, and I actually got it under control.

I cannot repeat that enough for anyone out there looking for fibromyalgia of the chest wall validation and help in the dark of night. ASTYM therapy over 4 years and all the muscle stretches and nerve glides I have been taught actually worked to relieve costochondritis flare and Lhertmitte's sign.

If you are suffering with this kind of stuff, get a referral into physical therapy specifically for ASTYM and get to work on that. It taking 4 dedicated years was totally worth the 20+ years I've been living with this pain. As far as I know in my own area, I am the only patient who has stuck it out this long (physical therapy can be painful and the homework exercises can suck when you live with chronic fatigue and pain), and my therapists are excited about all the progress I've been making.

I'm actually sick to death of talking about pain stuff, so let's get back to minecraft. A couple of weeks ago I was trying to tunnel to 0,0 from the -8000s on MoCreatures and getting very wealthy doing it, ran into a new area with 3 villages really close together and took time out to set up protection and preservation protocols, like lighting and fencing, installing doors and planting the gardens. Once I did that I stocked up the store real good (/warp Rivyn111), and now I'm starting over with the 0,0 thing, except now I'm just running over land. I tried using my flying horse a couple of times, but I keep getting only so far and getting distracted because I'm a total minecraft sucker for every little thing, always have to stop and investigate, so I figure it's easier just running now. Oceans, jagged mountains, big patch of sunflowers, cities made of ice. I've survived all manner of attack so far, and during the night I just home back to my island to chop wood. I miss being able to teleport to coordinates, but at least I can 'home' and then 'back' when the sun rises instead of twiddling my thumbs trying not to get killed in multiplayer.

Also ran into another little village I'm taking time out to refurbish.

Yeah, you can see by the coordinates I still haven't gotten very far yet, lol. I'll get to 0,0, but the road trip and sight seeing are part of the fun.

Keeping an eye on #SnarkStock2016 this weekend, plus today is #Belmont, so I've got a full day. I'm also sketching out a work slot that I'm very excited about to come back to through the day in between multitasking, so if I'm not responding to whatever notifications, I'm probably deep in a timewarp.

Super throwback to the old days.

something dumb to do

Please note- My automated personal luck of Hyrule pronouncement happened seconds before I died.

"May cause weird dreams." No, it's causing fantastic dreams, but the problem is waking up every other minute and that's how I know. I'm sure it's more a combo of pain level and another med withdrawal than anything, but I'm fond of side effects lists. I'd make them more fun to read.

Day 2 of skipping half of one of my BP med doses. So far so good.

Full blown fibro flare confirmed yesterday in physical therapy, and we're talking skull to tailbone and quite the number of referred pain issues. Not even going to bring up the charley horses, but yes, I'm all over the warmed up stretches. I've also already dropped a pound since I saw my doctor Tuesday, yay!

So I'm hungry, in pain, and in a really great mood for some reason this morning. I hope it lasts, because the last few days have been pretty glum and a couple of people nearly got phone calls, but I think I'm good now.

Let's see what youtube is suggesting today. Wo, ok, I just saved you guys from at least a dozen pretty off the wall mood swings in several fandoms and genres. Gonna settle for this one today. Easy on the feels, and my head is saying thank you.

challenge accepted

My doctor has challenged me to cut 500 calories from my daily total. This should be a cinch since I already can't eat 80% of what I'd love to be able to if I could, right? Guys, for me this means cutting those giant salads in half. I'm not kidding.

Anyway, very thrilled with the awesome hepatic panel coming back all super normal. Now the biggie is cutting down my blood pressure med, whaaaa?

I've been on blood pressure meds since my 20's because of a rhythm problem that was eventually corrected (years later, so like eventually eventually), and leading up to the procedure that fixed it saw me on the absolute fullest possible dose anyone can go with a beta blocker for a couple of years. I had started out on a calcium channel blocker, and as compliant as I tried to be, that stuff only made other things worse, so I found the beta blocker much more tolerable. I was supposed to be getting off it after the procedure, but my blood pressure shot up for some unknown reason and taunted me until we all assumed I'd just be on it the rest of my life.

Cut to years later, I'm old enough to actually be on a blood pressure med, my blood pressure started spiking wildly out of control, and I went up and down and in and out with this beta blocker. My doctor's been trying to get me off it since 2011 and my heart goes nuts on everything else. One of the most miserable months I've ever been through was switching off blood pressure meds every week until we were forced to go back to the beta blocker. And then suddenly in 2012 we figured out it was the birth control I'd been on all that time. Dumped the birth control, boom, blood pressure went down, I was able to cut the beta blocker dose in half again, and everything was wonderful. It was the lowest dose I'd been on since I started blood pressure meds.

And since then it has very slowly been bumped back up. My body's had enough of this beta blocker and fights it. It's done. I'm getting weird symptoms like super Raynaud's (suddenly freezing in the middle of summer isn't always thyroid, apparently) and now my doctor thinks me going so scatterbrained again (I'm at the Scott having to tie one scene in a show over to the next level of stupid) is the beta blocker. He added a different calcium channel blocker during the big allergy thing in April, I finally broke through the noncompliance and just stuck with it, and NOW I'm being instructed to slowly cut down the beta blocker.

I've been through some hefty med withdrawals through the years, but this one has truly been the hardest. It's an awful thing to be so sensitized to every little bitty thing your heart does that most people never feel, thanx to living with that arrhythmia for so long, and after March sucking for being the worst arm pain I've ever come through in physical therapy and April sucking for being the toughest allergy season I've ever come through on the inhaler and May sucking for the ongoing therapy that is bringing more main nerve trunk back online (referred pain is a bitch and a half, but it's better than losing function over nerve compression death), I get to spend June sucking now for what I hope does NOT become a noteworthy month. I've pretty much already been through the blood pressure and rhythm problems from hell over a series of years, so the only way this could be worse is if I have an actual heart attack or something, but I'm pretty sure it'll still play hell with my anxiety.

So I'm going to focus on cutting 500 calories from a healthy diet that is already so restricted by food allergies and diabetes that most of y'all would think you were in some kind of boot camp, and I'm going to suck it up because hopefully I'm this close to becoming Madonna, and all this crap I've gone through getting my life back after years of literal crippling pain will have been worth it.

I've asked in past posts on various blogs what a person would be willing to go through to get what they want, and the evil villain commitment it takes to focus and do what it takes no matter how hard it gets and how alone one feels doing it. It gets weird sometimes...


And this is what you get when you put Lady Gaga and Benedict Cumberbatch into the youtube search bar together. Oh, nothing, just psyching up for more physical therapy in a few hours.


Aaaaand we're going there. Subtextually speaking, this is all metaphorical for me. Pinky Robot needs to own the webs. My driven passion has been underground all spring conquering multiplayer, need to get it back out here in the open. You guys have no idea how much behind the scenes stuff I've been juggling, as it were. I mean, besides what I just told you. Time to run.

The Dark Side of a really bad egg

Bunny day was a blast yesterday.


The Dark Side of the Egg, perhaps.

We're still running into 'Bunny was here' evidence.

 

I don't even wanna know how a creepy swimming pool got involved. Easter Bunny hot tub party, maybe. Might hafta set some traps. #lifeinthewoods

You look fabulous, dahlink.

She felt big like mommy, had to go to 'work' when she walked in after church today.

I've been living a double life this week. True to my April nature, I went through a series of very sudden blood pressure 'break outs' and had to touch base a couple times to make sure that's all it was, given my ridiculously complex history. I'm one of those people who can smell CT scans to the point of nausea, and this last time I caught a flash like a ghost light, which was cool. Hypersensitive is a word nurses and techs have used around me for years. Once a doctor called me a canary in a coalmine, noticing chemical or other change in my environment long before other people do. It no longer surprises me that spring storm season really screws with me. I can't even imagine adapting to changing water pressure in a wet suit. Anyway, it's been a week where I've been able to luxuriate in long swaths of deep thinking in between intense writing surges. Yeah, I know, what's up with these shoes?

Despite the the truth of my sadness finally Lexxploding through my aspie head all week, millions of dots are suddenly connecting and flooding my brain with the most fabulous light show ever. I cannot stop writing. I can't help wondering if the weird BP break outs on top of a lingering manic euphoria episode are having anything to do with this. In the end, the only logical conclusion the last doctor could reach was perhaps this boils down to a pain management problem, and I've been commanded to treat for pain every single day whether I feel good or not. Since a euphoric episode slops the kind of brain chemicals around that tend to camouflage pain, I had stopped taking my pain med at all even though I was obviously dealing with a headache going defcon from a severe fibro flare up my neck and left shoulder (all that writing, I'm sure). I have a long history of low dose med addictions (which I was called out on by the very same friend I've been angsting over all week), pill phobias from crazy med reactions, and noncompliance, so this command wasn't made lightly. Imagine my amusement finding this gem. One of the reasons I stopped smoking years ago was because I was hardcore doing 3 packs a day, and it took a year and a desperate deal with God to quit. During that episode I went tone deaf in one ear, which I still find devastating after years of vocal training and never going off key. And that is all I'll say here about my string of serious addictions.


You have to watch this show to get the joke.

Extremely strong caution on this next vid, the very end is either a fan expressing anger or a joke (or an angry joke) after the season cliffhanger, and in case you have never seen it, ~huge~ ~spoilers~, it was a blank. He was showing Sherlock how easy and fun it is to fake one's death. Since I myself found it extremely disturbing the first time I watched it (and I hadn't seen the show), please don't watch this video if you have severe depression or self harm triggers. Some of my newer friends are still probably not aware I did this in a virtual way myself three years ago, suddenly ripping my web presence out from the fabric of ethereal spacetime and disappearing, deleting huge chunks of Lexx internet history as I went. I'm sure a few fans still hate me for being that despicable and then having the audacity to show back up. I find this video amusing in so many ways because of my internet history with fandoms. My new friends who know the real me now would probably be surprised by how quickly I pull the dark side out into the open everywhere I go. Or perhaps not. I need to give you guys more credit. It's taken me a long time to realize I glow like neon when I think I'm being cleverly covert.


Am I done dredging now? Getting close, at least on this part, which has been a wildly exhilarating release after 8 years. 
:edit: 8-13-15

I cannot believe no one has ever called me out on lying to you guys. Every once in awhile I'll write something completely erroneous or false and easily fact checked, and I kept waiting for someone to pop up and say Wait... If you haven't seen Sherlock yet, fine, I'll just leave that like it is. 'easy and fun'... In case you think I'm an idiot, no, I'm layering the same way they did on the roof. What is reality? What really happened? You've no idea the amount of time I've spent digging around the webs over it. Unless you guys thought I had the inside goods on Moriarty or something, I mean, this post was in the top five for months. Watch how words are constructed. The first time I watched it I hadn't seen the show and I found it disturbing. Then I compared it to me destroying myself. I don't want anyone to think I tried to commit suicide. Kinda wondering if that's what readers thought because I worded this so poorly. I'm also wondering if that's why this post held such a top spot for so long. I apologize if anyone misconstrued my meaning from my obnoxiously bad taste.