-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero, this blog is PinkyGuerrero, ongoing continuation at blogs Pinky & Janika & Basically Clueless & PinkFeldspar, in that order.
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
 photo README2.gif


Monday, August 31, 2015

all my best pix are taken in bathrooms

Today is kind of my very last assessment day for one year on this blog, and I can't think of a better way to celebrate and thank you guys for clicking my links than to dig up my bathroom selfies and maybe find out the stories behind them.

Before we start, first of all, I never dreamed this post would hit all time top. Ever in my wildest dreams. I'm blaming whoever is in the Ukraine. Ok, and the rest of you guys, too.

(Explanation: it was originally an Easter egg post and exploded once people found out it was there.) (But you still don't know the answer to the riddle behind the pun.)

Second, I really am blown away by the view count. I've done everything in my power to weed out spam, bots, pingbacks, and crawlers between three trackers, GWT, and Google analytics, and I'm left with 35 countries coming in on every conceivable device and even logging in at work. (Be careful, some of you might not be aware your work ISPs actually name your companies.)

Ok, down to bizness. I know some of you are facepalming about selfies in a bathroom, but considering how long I went on the webs without posting a single selfie because I'm one of the most reclusive introverts you ever met in your life (I know, really hard to believe now, right?), I think it's pretty cool of me to make you guys think I've overcome that hurdle, just another way I toy with your minds. Plus I was inspired by Jenny Lawson writing about hiding in bathrooms, because I've done that all my life. Click the pic for the book. Click here for her blog.

All my selfie pix will click to original posts.

This is my 'professional' pic at linkedin. It was taken in a bathroom at Mercy hospital in Springfield, Missouri right after I had a 2-day holter put on, and I found out later that while I was taking that pic, I was experiencing bradycardia for the first time in my life after years of SVT and surgical correction, so if I was goofy enough to take this pic just because I thought it was funny, I blame it on poor oxygen delivery to my brain. I think I figured out later I must have accidentally taken my blood pressure pill twice that morning, and no wonder I was so loopy driving into town. And then I thought it would be funny to use a 'stupid day' pic as my professional pic because it truly represents my life so well. This is aspie spoonie executive jetsetter. That and I love mocking professionalism. I can't get through a day without shredding hosiery to save my life. I've retailed professionally. I left that off my linkedin profile. On purpose. Even though I was really good at it. (They called me the Bra Nazi.)

aspie spoonie executive jetsetter

This one was taken at Mercy Fitness in the locker room by the bathroom stalls. I'm not a mirror person, rarely stop to even look at myself, but one of my first experiences as an aspie kid waking up to a sense of objective self was in a department store fitting room with opposite mirrors. This was one of my first pictures coming back out public after years of health fail, this time as a self integrated Pinky, one year before I went completely public on my first Pinky blog. No more private blogging. Ok, there's private blogging, but it's called writing a book now. Everything that's not book material goes public out of my head in real time.

Same fitness center, different day. Actually three months earlier (2012). I was wearing this awesome Lexx t-shirt. I thought this pic was funny enough to put on facebook, and a friend of mine who wrote this book told me I look mean, lol.

Yep, my bathroom again, and this was one of my first public Bluejacky pix in a 2008 post that now resides in my aspienado work blog. It's kind of a big deal since it's right in the heart of about 3 years of really rough health fail and I actually got a decent picture.

This is from a series of photos what wound up becoming my G+ avatar representation. I think they're hilarious because it's so really me and I don't give a crap what people think. My sexuality is ambiguous, partly because I'm allergic to makeup and my hair was still just coming back in, plus I really loved that old shirt. This was taken Thanksgiving day (2012), and I was home alone waiting for my crew to come back from the Turkey Trot. From that point was a jolly little compulsive jaunt into finally setting up a Google account, which now officially verifies all my Lexx stuff. Yes, from a bathroom.

That's right, I've been Lexxing from the bathroom for years. This is from my guest bathroom looking out onto the kitchen way back in 2006, after I received a bunch of autographed stuff from Brian Downey, probably about 6-12 months before the big health fail first started its slow avalanche. If I made this public anywhere I sure can't find it, unless it's in a Lexx related forum somewhere, so this clicks to my pinterest.

Notice I didn't put it in an obvious spot, and it's 3 years old now and still hasn't been liked or repinned. I buried it. Sometimes I tuck things in little pockets of spacetime to see how hard people lurk through my stuff. (My most repinned pin has over 500 repins. My most repinned fandom pin has over 300. My most repinned board overall is Lexx, but it doesn't look that spectacular unless you add up all the repins from over 200 pins.) Anyway, my point is that I successfully buried my most personal fandom photo in plain site (until now), and you never know what you're going to find sitting around in my stuff.

I had a niece who would hide a note or penny behind a picture frame in hotel rooms. My daughter hid little random notes to me throughout empty spirals for me to find later (and dated them) and never told me, and years later I still run into them. *snif* So it's kind of a family thing. We're sneaky people. We say I love you in mysterious ways.

I've got more bathroom selfies, but I think that's probably enough. These handful span about 7 years.

I just want to say thank you. I'm feeling mushy and gooey right now, which has been a rare thing most of my life until stuff really started opening up here on my public blog the last few months.

There IS method to all this madness. I'm very serious saying there is a real Plan. Also, I'm getting lots of help from a Bunny today. It's taken 3 1/2 hours to cobble this together in between very busy girl stuffs.

I'd also like to thank #MondayBlogs and Rachel Thompson who created it and especially Vicki Addesso for dragging me into it until I got a clue. I know I'm terrible to tongue in cheek mock analytics and stuff, but these are rock solid real people coming through that pipeline, and it is definitely appreciated. I try to remember to pin blogs I like onto my 'Blogs I like to read' board, but many of the cooler #MondayBlogs in the feed slip past me, so click that last link for the feed.

Bunny just went down for a nap and I need a brain cleanser so bad. Laterz.

Completely forgot to mention the reason I'm smiling in my twitter avatar is because I'm in a bathroom. (Per a comment, my twitter avatar pic is NOT a mirror pic, omg, plz to not make me asplain why I'm smiling.)

Sorry, I'm back. HAVE to add the Sharknado tee selfie I took in bathroom in a Houston restaurant and loaded to facebook because a person actually snarked me coming in the door as white trash. Hellz YEAH.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

I invented #SylarKhan O_O

I am learning so many things about browsers from my Lexxperience stats....
OS;FBSV  Facebook, iPads, and the dangers of ASP.NET browser detection
GSA Google Search Appliance

I've about talked poor @bonenado's ears off this weekend. I bet he's missing the quiet of last weekend, but he's the one who keeps starting conversations, so watching him wriggle his way out of me motor mouthing to get back to his paused TV show is kind of funny.

The problem is, Scott is a big crime lord buff (yes, on top of the zombie werewolf samurai WWII vampire stuff), and I'm a big film marketing buff (among other extensive film obsessions, I own nearly every Johnny Depp movie ever made, read the thousand page bio, studied *everything* about filming the POTCs and at least half his other movies {I did the same thing with Jackie Chan a decade earlier}), so when he asked if I knew who all was in Black Mass, I launched into a power point on the genius who put all these marketable gems together while Scott interjected what he knew about all the cool history behind Whitey Bulger. What really sells it for me, though, is how absolutely creepy Johnny looks in character here.

I don't do movie theaters very well any more (that is one place I really miss being heavily medicated), so I'll have to suffer waiting patiently, hopefully we can get it on PPV fairly quickly, because I'll be a mess waiting for it. Some of you probably remember I'm also a bit of a Kevin Bacon fan, lol.

there's a story behind this if you click it
We're almost ready for the roofing guys. Scott lopped off several really big branches swooping across the yard so they can get a trailer and conveyor up to the house, got stuff around the deck and walkway ready to tarp. I'm hoping they show up on a week I'm booked up and in town every day, which is any time over the next three weeks, because I'm sure internet will be a mess and the noise will make me insane. If not, I've got several pairs of headphones and about 1500 downloaded vids on standby.

You guys know there's a big CERN thing going on, right? Hang on, I need a brain boost with my coffee. These vids actually play in 'compose' here on blogger while I'm working. Cool, huh? You don't get that with the 'beep beep boop' on wordpress. Well, at least I don't. Anyway, in case that prompted anyone else to free associate and wonder what else has happened on Sept 28 through the years, here you go. (:edit: Sorry, wrong day. 9-23 Hey, you can get a t-shirt.) In the meantime... coffee. (Ok, those of you not following, here's your 'end of the world 9-23' search. Have fun.) (Oh, and the song is an illuminati joke.) (I personally don't think 9-23 is the 'end' because they haven't digitized the dollar yet, really wish they'd pull together on this prophecy stuff, this yanking out new end dates over and over is getting sooooo old.) (And if it all turns out to be real, freaking out isn't going to change anything, so chillax and go get some coffee.) (:another edit: Every time an end date is announced, I want a t-shirt with "I survived fill in this blank". I'd have a whole closet of t-shirts if I'd really done this.) (I'm not mocking anyone {ok, yes I am}, but I'm going to have a bit to say in Existential Aspie about people who crave escapism through end world doom and are severely disappointed every time it doesn't happen.) (In a nice way. Not mocking.) (Guys, I. grew. up. with. this.) (My point.) (Ok, now my link is the same color and you can't see it, just click that point thing.)

My Khanlock post continues to be my most searchable Pinky bait. I linked this pic to the referring url because it looks cool, but I can't tell from my end if it'll open up for you.

Why is this not a thing? I can find almost any other ship combo imaginable, but not this.

Heck, there's even a #Jindy ship. Srsly, click that hashtag for the feed.

While I quite enjoyed combing this search for anything Sylar-Khan, alas, I'm stunned that I finally couldn't find something on the webs. I always find everything on the webs.

You know what this means, right? Time travel is REAL, and someone is changing things. Yes, I find it that impossible for SylarKhan to not exist in any form. I find streams crossing Molly/Khan (Sherlock/Star Trek) and Danny/Kirk (Heroes/Star Trek), and even Sylar/Sherlock (Heroes/Sherlock), but not Sylar/Khan (Heroes, Star Trek).

Not that these aren't excellent.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

explaining depression

Explaining depression to a child-

You know how your tummy feels funny or gross sometimes, and you're sorta hungry but nothing sounds good? And then if you do eat, all of a sudden you throw up? You can't really help it, your stomach just shoves it all back out, right? It doesn't mean you're making a mess on purpose.

People's heads can feel like that, where they sorta feel kinda icky and nothing sounds fun to think about, and if they do start thinking about something, their head suddenly urps out loads of gunk that makes them cry or sound real mean. They can't really help it, their heads just shove stuff out. That's why it's important to know they still love you even when it feels all messed up to them. They're not making a mess on purpose.

Explaining depression to a cheery spunky adult who's never experienced it for themselves-

You know how it gets a bit tricky going through a big intersection with lots of lanes, and your cell phone is ringing or your back seat full of kids erupts in a fight or your dog barfs or your baby is crying or your drink dumps over on your lap or the guy in front of you slammed on the brakes or whatever, and you get distracted and nearly have a terrible accident? It's not really your fault, it's just that stuff suddenly got very overwhelming and you had to choose really fast what to pay attention to in order to survive, because that actually could have become a life threatening situation.

People's heads can feel like that, where everything is happening all at once or too fast and it's hard to focus and nothing is making sense, but with depression, it feels like you never get through that intersection, and the only way to survive is to stop time, or make it go real slow so you can keep a grip on the steering wheel and keep making the right decisions, because sometimes it feels like your life depends on it.

Depression can happen to any semi-sentient creature at any age or stage of life. It's a brain thing. Yes, events can trigger it, but they don't have to. Yes, some get past it, but some get stuck. No one chooses it.

People with depression deal with it in many different ways. Some recluse and don't come out of their homes. Some secretly or very openly hurt, maim, and disfigure themselves. Some self medicate for years through prescription meds, alcohol, and street drugs. Some self punish or starve themselves, then either show it off or hide it under nice clothes, wigs, and makeup. Some wear emotional masks and never let anyone know until it's too late, others share all their stuff and still fall through the holes in the safety nets.

This is not new. Depression has been a very big part of human history for time out of mind. There is never a moment where a single person on this planet can feel absolutely safe in their own brain, because brains are dependent on proper chemical checks and balances, synchronizing a variety of hormone fluctuations, overseeing millions of details continuously whether we are conscious of it or not. We are all stuck in our brains.

Depression isn't about being sad. Sadness is its own thing. I can be feeling quite happy and still be dealing with depression, because depression is a condition I live with. Having a few happy minutes or even a happy day doesn't mean my depression is over or cured. It just means I'm feeling happy. Feeling sad doesn't mean someone is depressed, but you can feel depressed when you are sad. I think sadness might be the closest that non-depressed people come to understanding part of what depression feels like, so they erroneously equivocate it with that.

Telling someone with depression to cheer up or smile, as if depression was an attitude fail, is like telling someone with gut pain to cheer up or smile. You do not know what is going on in there, and cheering up or smiling is only a bandaid over something so other people can't see it. A person could have anything from heartburn to acute appendicitis and sometimes not be able to tell the difference. Our heads are the same way. A person could have anything from not having gotten enough sleep to everything in their life crashing around them with someone dying or finding out they had cancer, and you cannot tell the difference just because they aren't smiling.

I think the scariest thing about depression is how many people are so trained to smile that no one can help them. Nothing can get past that smile.

My mom smiled right up to the day she died. No one outside of immediate family, least of all nursing home staff, ever seemed to understand that her smiling and nodding was so ingrained and enforced into her behavior from childhood that she could be in any amount of pain, any amount of grief, any amount of overwhelming depression, and no one ever really knew. Even if she cried, she was so quick to smile to anyone outside her immediate circle that we couldn't convince nursing home staff she was in pain, and she was there for five years. They'd walk in and see smiles. Everyone called her sweet.

I suppose that is a wonderful thing to be remembered for. I certainly don't want my children seeing my pain, whether it's physical or emotional, spiritual or mental. But I don't want to scar them with the memories of hurting myself or taking my own life, either. It was hard accepting at first that the reason Mom was in the nursing home to begin with was because she refused to treat her diabetes, which complicated into severe health problems and then eventually a hard fall, and that possibly because her depression had been so severe that she honestly believed and hoped a stroke would liberate her and she'd go to heaven. That doesn't exactly qualify as self harm, does it? That's not really suicide, is it? Not really... No, that is someone choosing natural causes over medical intervention. It used to be part of life anyway. Everyone went the hard way, no one had medical intervention just a couple hundred years ago. But deep down, we knew Mom knew she had a choice, and she threw away her prescription meds. A lot of people do that. There's no law of any kind against it. But it's still hard to grasp as a grown child having children that your parent made the choice to leave early on purpose.

And this is why I write.

I live my life out loud on blogs so I won't hurt myself. It's been the most terrifying commitment I've ever made, and took nine and a half years for me to commit fully (I've been completely public since January 6, 2014). Not everyone can handle talking on a phone when they need it the most, although a few family members have talked me home while I'm driving. (The fear of compulsively taking a roll off the road is very real on bad trigger days because I have PTSD from a nasty car wreck, which is getting worse as I age.) Many of us need to know someone else is 'out there' and then we feel better. I'm in a quandary since I'm super aspie, I don't even need people to wave back because it makes me duck down, so just little dots showing up on a tracker is enough for me. Other people need much more reassurance.

If I had the stamina, I'd be volunteering at one of the hospitals, because I love hospitals and feel safe there. I've spent so much time in hospitals hanging out with other people that they feel like home to me, even though I've never been hospitalized myself. Volunteering somewhere (libraries, schools, community centers, conservation, etc) is a good way to set up a safety net of people who would miss you if you didn't show up. It feels good to have people expect you to show up. When I skip a day on Pinky blog, my hits sometimes double. There have been days where I've gotten more hits on days I don't post than on days where I post two or three times. Those feel like little hugs to me.

I have become so disciplined to blogging that I don't feel nearly as emotionally dependent on it as I used to. Now I do it because I really do enjoy it that much. It used to be a lot of work, a crutch getting me through pain crisis, a feedback loop for my head when distraction wasn't working, but now it's more like entertaining myself, or like making a little book so I can see what I was doing on this day or that. Before blogging came along, I kept a calendar journal, and I was able to go back and see that a certain intense stabbing ear pain happened every year about the same time, even before a virus hit that I usually blame a bunch of nerve damage on. A journal is like getting to look into a mirror back at myself. I think it makes me smarter about who I am now.

Some people keep scrapbooks or vlog, some draw or paint for art sites, some share photographs of stuff they're doing. All of that is journaling, and it's an awesome way to let other people check in on how you're doing without having to answer phones or write emails. The more we put out there about ourselves, the more our friends and families can go "I wonder how so and so is doing, I'll go check", and they click to a place and see your stuff, and they feel good being able to see what you're doing. I have family all over the United States, and sometimes I can see one or two on a tracker, even though I have lots of people all over the world popping in and out. It's not the same as having facebook. Facebook is pretty awesome in its own way, but it's also a little intrusive and very complicated when you have to adjust every little setting to keep notifications from zinging all day long, because facebook wants me to know every little thing everyone even remotely friended to my connections is doing. I'm a mute button enthusiast. About every 6 months I'll make the rounds checking on far flung loved ones, which is actually the best part of facebook, because it collects people into groups like that.

Anyway, my point is that if you want or need connection, it's up to you to do it. Most of us can't read minds on this planet. I'm very experienced in holing up and never contacting people, and the reason I'm 'living out loud' is because so many people kept asking me how I was doing, because my life has been pretty challenging, and I suspect a few people quietly understand I'm one of those at-risk types, and even nowadays I still get two or three people a week privately making sure I'm ok, and I'm wondering if y'all have a rotation schedule figured out because most of you are once a month-ers. I'm not that nice, I generally let someone go about three months before I check on them, but I think it's more out of obliviousness to time passing than anything. Rest assured this includes my own child. I'm not proud of that, but I'm not going to cringe over it, either. I'm a goofball, and I'm pretty sure I can blame it on DNA. Yes, I've gone on way longer than I intended. Sorry about that.

Everyone who went crazy over the run-on sentences- nyah nyah.

embracing the thug life

Got a call yesterday that my psychologist is back and would I like to set up an appointment with him now that he's taking patients again?

He's back. I didn't even know he was gone. Well, I was aware he took a leave of some kind for something I can only guess might've been serious in his family maybe, but I was already 'turned loose' and didn't worry about it. We've all got stuff, right? Last thing a psychologist needs is another stalker.

Tell me he doesn't look like Tom Vize.
Keep my prosopagnosia in mind, but it kinda
tickles me because I am a big
Kathy Griffin fan from way back
So I'm all what the heck, YEAH, let's do this, so we wrangled over appt times, which is crazy funny now that I'm all booked up with physical therapy and nerve conduction test and on top of chiro and dang, the jetsetter life is back on again. I mean, I saw the guy way more than I saw my own dad and siblings over what, 6 years? He watched me go through my mom dying, and aside from Scott, I actually don't have a better friend, if it's even possible to call the guy that, so yeah, I wanna go see his face and shake his hand and maybe not actually give him a hug but maybe GIVE HIM A HUG. I still don't know if that kind of stuff is inappropriate, but I know it's gotta be way less creepy than giving him an eyeball hug via furtive glances. #aspienado Anyway, I could've gotten in his first day back, but it would've been late in the day against rush hour traffic and me with my brain skulking down around my ankles because I'm a morning person, so it'll be a couple of weeks.

I need some evil villain swag, including a sweet brain case to hold it all together.
Pic clicks to hilarious movie review.
I originally went in, seriously, for realz, for communication help because I was bombing so badly with a friend after flailing through a public fandom. The aspienado thing is one of the consequences of deeper investigation into how and why I continually blow up bridges. How ironic is it going to be that going back in I'll be saying, Oh, yeah, got a weird little country by Malaysia all freaked out over a love slave post...

Actually up to 609 now since yesterday.
When I first showed him Lexx he called me the fandom pimp. The guy seemed to have no clue what photoshopping, manips, and fanfics are, which really aren't my area of expertise, but he pegged me in one session about my obsession with a TV show. He didn't say this all at once that day, more like spread out over time, that I'm clearly a narcissistic exhibitionist with baditude, but I maintain that keeps me from curling up in the dark with my self destructive full blown anxiety and depression. Oh, and I've come out this last year about my alcoholism and my orientation, definitely about the depression, plus pix of my health struggles, so while he and I were on vaca from each other, I feel I've made some pretty big steps forward owning my stuff. Considering I started out on the webs as an alien and made a game out of seeing how many tens of thousands of people I could block on facebook (you can't block Mark, I tried every which way), I'm calling this progress. For someone coming from a solid conservative Christian background, I'm pretty badass. (You see what I did there, right? Just came out on religion and politics, BUT you guys already knew about the Mennonite background, so that's no big reveal, really.) I'm still a cynic. That'll probably never change.

Who doesn't love Burt Gummer
The actual challenge, for me, is saying all this stuff out loud. Making real words with my mouth and syncing them into real time thoughts in a back and forth convo flow with another real person. One of the biggest things I learned about myself in his office was that I'm easily led. I treat all convos the same way I do my surveys at Surveypalooza. I free associate right off the page so fast that whatever reasons I'm really there talking for evaporate like soda pop on an Arizona sidewalk.

Definitely click this
Another big thing I learned is that it didn't matter how #dismalfail a session felt, I got tons of thinking done at home in between sessions, and always made progress because of it. Yes, it was grindingly slow sometimes. Yes, I wanted to give up over and over and over. Yes, I facepalmed my way through most of it. BUT. You see me on the webs now. You see me thriving. You see me handling my stuff and rolling with every awkward punch life throws at me. It was hard, but so was being raised by my mom, so the least I can do is go back in and tell this guy THANK YOU. Thank you for tolerating my cynical jackassy self for so long, because so many people haven't.

Me and psyche guy irl.

Friday, August 28, 2015

leveling up on suckage

my day in a nutshell
Actually caught myself thinking awhile ago how much I'd like some morphine today. Not the greatest sign from any angle, but seem to have cleared the ground up into hamburger on the rocks under a buffalo stampede part, so maybe an earlier impulse to throw all my tech off the deck and grow a beard and live on cicadas and wild honey was a bit hasty. Do you know how long it's been since I've actually longed for a morphine shot? I hate morphine. I know, I'm a weirdo. This is more my speed. Except I no can haz.

fondly cherishing memories of codeine love
Once I realized I was chem craving my way into a deeper pain hole, I switched to remembering my first tastes and smells of really expensive kona coffee and sipped it in my virtual reality palace, and whadayaknow, mind over matter. I actually started feeling better. The powers of the mind.... They say our brains are like pharmacies, manufacturing all the drugs we need. My brain manufactured kona coffee.

Super aspie went severely out of routine this week, leveled up the workouts, extra leaving the house in the highest ragweed pollen week of the whole month, injected MOAR ZYRTEC, and suddenly dried up into mummy mode. I think I dehydrated a little bit. Doesn't take much of that to get all the little cells cranky in there. Anyway, if you don't see me on the twitters or #latenightmovie tonight or this weekend, I'm in my head manufacturing the world's most expensive coffee.

the grim pinky reaper

Me irl getting my coffee on. Btw, TGIF, guys.

click for wallpapers
Casual Friday irl. Clicks to an awesome Halloween board on pinterest.

Yeah, starting a little early this year. I need all the distraction I can get. You didn't know pink grim reaper is a thing, did you? This is just a toe in the water. Click for way more.

Y'all know my fave reaper was created by Terry Pratchett, right? Et j'adore Susan, his granddaughter. 

click for character bio
I'm in one of my jumbly days, where this sorta feels like a Monday, thought it was actually Saturday for a few minutes, ricocheted back to oh yeah it's Thursday wait no it's not, and I keep telling myself it's Friday, and every time the word Friday hits my brain I get this huge pink blaze streaking across my mind with it, so it's Pinkyween time of year, and we all know how that went last year, so we're good with it. Don't forget to brush your teeth, kids. Get out there and rock your day while I go blow up a few toilets and break a few dishes, because that's how we roll in the Shire.

OH, I've gotta tell you this dream real quick. You guys on twitter know I watched #TheHobbit last night. Well, earlier I had watched a Key & Peele from about 5 eps back where they're doing the grunt thing and you eventually realize this is how football was invented (they don't have that one in the playlist, sorry), and I was thinking how fun a job that must be, basically cosplaying out a pun for Comedy Central. So that's the set up. Dream: I was talking to Bilbo about something and somehow wound up on cosplay, which of course he had no clue, and I was explaining it by describing Gonzo cosplaying as Derth Nader, which is about where I woke up going whaaa... Anyway, enjoy your day. And get some Death Wish coffee. Not paid to link that.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

pajama politix

Well, I hope the Brunei govt doesn't try to get my Lexxperience blog shut down, because someone over there spent the night scouring every single page. They are now the 2nd topmost visiting country of all time there just within the last week. Kinda makes you wonder if a Muslim country really could force Google to shut down a blogger site in the States over their belief system. I'm sure they're rich enough to try. #womensrights #Lexxperience Yesterday's sfx update

TODAY. Back to physical therapy. This means wearing my pajamas around town, woohoo! I've actually got workout capris, but they're dull and ugly. Dull and ugly clothes are so dull and ugly, aren't they?

ALSO TODAY. Getting behind in house chores because I'm booked up with stuff in town again, and will be through September, so time to revamp my daily plan, find a way to make it work and keep up. This is one of my toughest times of year, because histamine level spikes set off fairly challenging fibro flares, and I've got little knots like marbles all through my legs and torso, and now I hafta do PT workouts on top of it without the luxury of muscle relaxers and pain meds, whee.

And update on Batman is he survived the tonsillectomy, but this pic about killed me.

Don't worry, he's feeling way better already. Got some tylenol, chocolate pudding, juice...

Woke up with this song in my head, so today is pretty good and I might just wear some Halloween sox.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

living out loud, and spelling it out

I make jokes about being an evil villain, like I'm on a power trip.

I'm using that pic for a wallpaper
Here's the wallpaper with Plankton added

Most of you know it's just a joke. Yeah, I'm evil and on a power trip, but it's still just a joke.

One of the perks of people knowing who I am is getting to know a lot of people. One of the drawbacks is standing out and being a beacon that brings problems down on people I care about. It's a double edged sword representing a fandom, because ridiculous things like this happen. It's actually in backward order like this, you can see it correctly if you click it to the source.

This is what started it. I wasn't upset, just joining in a hashtag trend (like a game) with a #Lexxperience link. Fans who follow me on twitter see me do this several times a week to promote Lexx. People who don't use twitter might not understand that hashtagging really is a game that goes on round the clock forever. Really clever people get lots of retweets, but I mostly just retweet other people's wit and plug Lexx into the feed once in awhile.

I'm still not upset. If you click that snip to the source, you can click from there to the post I made, which explains everything very simply. It's nothing to be upset about, because youtube pirate vids disappear all the time. I'm usually pretty careful not to place vids like that on my fan blogs. I don't support video piracy, I don't encourage people to illegally upload hijacked material, and I generally don't link fans who do that. And there are plenty who do illegally upload to share because Lexx is so dang hard to get, as you can see from the Lexx wiki link I linked in that post about who owns what rights to which parts of Lexx. Lexx was marketed very weirdly, had/has multiple content owners, was split up for awhile until Echo Bridge gathered it back together for world distribution, and now it shows up once in awhile in streaming contracts and then goes away again. Thank goodness it's still a retail product, even if it's not the original product with all the tidbits.

What I am is sad. I don't mind taking target hits. I don't mind being watched. I don't mind being snarked behind my back, or discussed in offices, or thoroughly perused and even downloaded, ripped off, and copied by underground fans in remote areas of the world finding ways past heavy national/international internet regulations and restrictions. The corporate suits paid to scour and scrub web content over legal jots and tittles are only doing their jobs. Part of the irony of LEXX is how it manages to keep thriving despite the nearly complete demolition of both the product merch AND the fan base. Some of us keep raggedly gathering and quoting Brigadoom to each other, mostly in private so things won't disappear. Well, lately, it feels like things disappear because I stand out like neon and make them easy to find, which makes me feel sad.

So, right after I point out this week that someone in a country that severely restricts women's rights has discovered something I've written about a female Lexx character being stripped of her rights and made into a slave after she failed the wife bank, and it's gone viral over there, what makes me sad is that over HERE my twitter linking to the fan blog is being watched and used as a tool to find illegal Lexx content. Right now, my fan blog is the only connection some underground people have in a severely restricted country to the ideation that human rights and dignity actually do exist, and we really do create stories about how others suffer. We can empathize. That is something to hang onto when you can legally be beaten to death over something we hardly blink at where I live.

Lexx content is the heart and soul of eloquently addressing human atrocities in a way that doesn't create local political upheaval, because it's not on earth. Except for season four, which is extremely tongue in cheek, there is no mention of any earth governments, no one to blame or point at. Lexx is a story free of moral platitude. With Lexx we can take a hard look at genocide, slavery, population control, social control, perverted justice, you name it, Lexx has it. Lexx is a fantastic vehicle for discussing the natures of Machiavelli and Dante and Hitler without upsetting the delicate stomachs of political activists, because it's not on earth. The only time someone approached me, very publicly I might add, about having a problem with Lexx was about a lack of racial balance during filming. Given the content, several of us around the globe were put off that the content was completely overlooked to haggle about something like that, especially in an international production. Otherwise, most people blow Lexx off as a 'sex in space' show.

Yes, I am sad. Not because the Rated Lexx featurettes got removed, not because right after I tweeted a hashtag joke a certain post on my Pinky blog was checked *again*, but because the people haggling over property rights are completely missing the real people living horrible lives who are actually finding something to express how they feel living hopeless lives.

So a video disappears about how 790's shred of brain really came from a woman who was tortured and killed and repurposed for parts in robotic drones. So what. It's just a video. But some of us still have that on DVD. There are fans out there who will simply just reload it somewhere else and I'll never know about it except by accident, like I did this last round. You see, it's not that the Lexx videos are titillating for fans to drool over (like Ben Cumberbatch vids, amIright?) but a story of how horribly people were abused and still kept finding ways to fight the system that was destroying them.

Lexx fans- let me rephrase that- LOYAL Lexx fans won't let Lexx die. The more Lexx is rooted up from the public, the more underground it will go, because it represents all of humanity under all repressive governments.

I'm proud to be a Lexx fan.

I'd put a Brigadoom vid here, but it would just disappear. I'm no longer linking Lexx vids so they won't disappear. I call myself Arch Heretic in other places, and I'm one of the biggest Thodin and Stanley Tweedle fans on the planet, and it's getting a little obvious that any time I link a Lexx vid it disappears. In lieu of Lexx, I will put a vid here that I hope expresses how I feel about the Lexx fandom, all the Lexx creators, staff, and actors, the opportunities I had to see it and own it, and the people who made such huge impacts on my life because of Lexx.

what I'm to say

They say don't go grocery shopping when you're hungry. Don't go bar hopping right after you get paid. Don't count your eggs before they hatch.

Don't write when you're exhausted.

I write reams when I'm exhausted, and it's generally pretty good stuff, sometimes even get diamonds and gold. But when I come back later, the rewrite is ridiculous.

I've been doing thought experiments again, mind games on myself, teasing out the last dregs of honesty still hiding in the cracks. Stuff I never say to people in real life, or never write down. Stuff that actually matters. Stuff that's sad.

The hardest rewrite is the stuff that's sad.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

brain pointing, or FOCUS

Ok, mind blown at 4 this morning, moving on with my day. Batman is getting his tonsils out in about an hour, I start a new round of physical therapy in 3 hours. Finally signed a roofing contract last night, sounds like it's going to be wonderfully awesomely smooth and easy having this team after two decades of struggling with fixing botched home repairs. I'm not against anyone, but there's a reason people say never hire friends and family.

Time to get my brain in. FOCUS! Yeah, no, not like this... Little too focused there. Don't wanna stand in my shower staring like that.

I've never seen this version, but @bonenado has. He's seen ALL THE SHERLOCK HOLMES. I like this song.

Monday, August 24, 2015


Once in awhile I go almost into full shutdown where I stop talking, and responding in real time is a big effort. This weekend was like poking little holes in a thick cocoon just long enough to feed Scott and then going back into my head. Between all the pressure in my ears from allergies and antihistamines and the air pressure changes from the cold front, I feel like my brain is being squeezed. The only tv I watched the whole weekend was The Last Ship, and the only way I made it through that was keeping one eye on the live hashtag feed.

I was very rarely allowed to go into a real shutdown as a child, especially in response to stress. I was also never allowed to go anywhere near meltdown without heavy consequences. I learned to turn into a vigilant rock to avoid extremely negative attention, and my stress levels were so high by the time I hit young adulthood that I was like a ticking time bomb.

You guys who've never gone through shutdowns before would probably think this is like a killer load of narcotic. It's nirvana.

We've got two more bidding guys coming out this afternoon about the roof and the guttering. +_+

I want this on a brain chip.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

one year old

~hours of thunderstorms later~ I can finally log on, huzzah!

old Farscape pic from my private stash, sorry no backlink
Yeah, pix from the ~lab~
me irl
Ok, who does this remind me of...

Those of you hugging your screens.

Me daring you to hug the screen anyway.

Me inviting you into the monitor. It's cool, I have nachos.

Me telling you guys FOCUS! GET TO WORK!!! >=l

You guys going on a nice adventure with me.

Some of you don't make it...

CLOSE YOUR EYES, IT'S AN OLD SCAR >-< *ew* Yes, titanium staple reaction.

I sized it down so you won't puke on your screen. You're welcome.
Recovery time. Fix your makeup before we whiz off again. One of the many things I regret dumping is a pop out manip I created where his leg looks like it's coming 3D out of the picture in large wallpaper size, along with an entire folder of awesome Eddie stuff. Lexx wasn't the only thing that suffered.

Very few of you know about my Eddie obsession.
Only one of you knows why this pic.
My life irl.
Now- who's ready for Halloween?

Thanx for reading my blog, I love you guys.