Day 21- last of 2016 30 day challenge

One of the things I haven't been talking about is what it feels like.

You know that springy sparkle all through your spine and out your nerves that you get when all your hairs go up? Like when something is really creepy, spooky, weird...

Over the last week I have felt that probably 60 times, and it's getting really old. Oh, nothing, just sitting around watching tv or playing minecraft and there we go, over and over like someone's flipping on a light switch to the Griswold house. How's it now? Switch flipped back off. Oops, back on again. Anything? Back off again.

I've been through this before, just not on such a large scale. Nerve healing feels like an electrical crew working on lines and fuses, testing links and current flow, shutting off to work some more, flipping it all on to testtesttest running diagnostics, ok off again... And lately it's my entire body doing that spooky hair thing, starting at the base of my neck and traveling down my spine, arms, and legs to every inch of skin on my body. It doesn't hurt at all at first, but after several of those full blown on-off diagnostics back to back in a row, it actually does start hurting and really wears me out. Then it all stops for awhile until the crew is ready to test the lines again, and then I get a few minutes of that all over again. Several days of that now.

Part of the physical therapy is on my main nerve trunk from base of skull to about mid back. Starting out before these last couple of rounds, I was not aware that parts of the right side of my back are numb, and that the maddening itchy parts in the middle and left side of my back were from nerves sputtering from the agony of years of being pinched off. As we've very slowly been working up and down my spine in between processes, trading back and forth between parasympathetic pressure point and ASTYM week by week, some of the pressure is being relieved and whole nerve branches are lighting back up like strings of Christmas tree lights. I can feel my fingertips now. I can feel the ulnar nerve from my neck down my entire left arm now. I can feel all kinds of muscles around my ribs now. The maddening nonstop itching is letting up and moving further down as the nerve trunk works on healing.

I've about reached my tolerance limit, though. It's time to stop and rest again. Today was my last big parasympathetic therapy. I can tell it's working. Over several weeks I've been able to reduce my pain med from every other day to every third day, and I'm able to use my arms more again. I'm also sleeping better than ever when I do actually sleep, which is more often than not now.

Not sure how, but I seem to be ahead on my $$ sync this month by about $2. Between possible math errors, a new autopay and billing recode, another autopay I forgot about, closing another autopay out, and shutting my eyes to run a debit charge, for awhile it kinda looked like I'd be about $100 in the hole. Something inside my brain still knows how to do math. It's just not sharing it consciously with me.

The sweet roller coaster ride that is the glitchy brain life. It's reminding me of Imaginearum. <<-- post I wrote about watching the movie. "A dark dream. A dying memory. A hidden regret. One last ride."

I am inside a semi-broken brain. Every day I get around obstacles and figure out mazes. I know I'm not alone because I've been contacted so many times through the years by others living with some kind of glitch, be it from schizophrenia, PTSD, concussion injury, MS, strokes, a range of depressions and spectrums. Watching our families around us through the fissures and cracks and glitches...

We know it's hard for you guys. We're frustrated that we make it hard for you, whether we can see it or not, understand it or not.

Say stuff while you can. Write while you can still spell, talk while you can speak, love while you can still remember. Never put off for later what you might lose any moment in an accident or medical injury.

Holidays are hard. Not all of us can pick up phones and call hotlines, but some of us can still reach out and hold a hand, maybe nod. The more lost you get in the glitch, the more meaningful every word and movement becomes reaching through.

Keep reaching through. Reach out, reach in, reach toward.

And get that movie.

I think the woman is Skype singing to Minecraft

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I woke up with a beautiful song in my head that I've never heard before, a woman singing softly to an acoustic guitar.

Glass Houses

Two people in the flames of right or wrong
And the world is not that strong
Two people on the wind of their favorite song
And the music plays along
Two people in the wings their whole life long
Waiting to belong, oh-o
Waiting for so long


I often dream in music and rhyme. I've awakened from fantastic operettas and neato chiller musicals done in full character, costuming, sets, and film. No idea where any of this comes from. It's like I'm watching entertainment from alt worlds or something.

I'd have lost that if I had rolled over and gone back to sleep, so I boinged outa bed at 2:30 a.m. to write it down. I've got years of cool stuff lurking on the darker blogs. I often feel like Terry Pratchett's Hwel who wrote plays for The Dysk. I'd like to collect my scattered dream splats into one place over time on Pinky's Dreams at SyfyDesigns. It'll probably take a couple of years to run into them all as I go over all my old stuff in between doing new stuff.

Yesterday I learned how to download a mod pack and go into multiplayer on minecraft. Nope, no pix, I was fearing for my life since I had to stay in survival mode. My display driver threw a bunch of fits again yesterday, and I'm noticing it only seems to do that when I've got skype open along with other heavy stuff like minecraft, which doesn't bode well for future window toggling between hangouts, twitter, facebook, and whatever else. May be running Jawn back in for a checkup if this gets any worse. He's a top of the line gaming pro lappy, so this shouldn't be happening. I was kinda wondering if it's a bossy microsoft issue, but windows 10 seems to fully support minecraft interface, so I have no idea why pulling skype up starts trubbas. Really annoying when I'm trying to fight or run away and finding myself killed when the screen comes back up.

This is a town day, so most of my morning work is already done, and now I need to focus on getting out my door in a little while. Wrestled with a dumb redirect for awhile getting a new Lexx thing going, seems to be working fine now. I've got a couple of write ups in queue, and plenty more I can do through the year in between other projects, so that'll be a thing.

This song is really on my mind a lot this week. Love Nightwish. Cool that someone set it to LOTR. Srsly wanna dig around and see if anyone figured out how to make Hobbit doors for minecraft. Kai showed me a Lothlorien realm last week, it was stunning. The sheer amount of work that went into something that beautiful was breathtaking, and it's interactive.

walking in the air

Grappling with the sort of apathy that has me migrating from feeling appalled about crunchy little ladybug bits embedding into my sox to wondering how many ways mutilated ladybug corpses and parts could be used in bold new artwork and designs. I've lost track of how long this ladybug thing has been going on, but it's certainly the longest ever.

Grappling with the sort of morning convo that has me re-explaining why I won't even be looking for @bonenado if he's laid out smashed to bits under the stars for hours and hours because he has me so trained to be used to him wandering off for hours on end without warning and without saying exactly where and not calling in until suddenly he's just back in the house, like magic. Every possible thing that could go wrong next time that I bring up gets fenced with "Oh, you'll come looking for me", like I'll somehow feel a disturbance in his force or something.  I'm biting back a lot, but in case anyone missed it, this was the kind of fall that paralyzes and even kills. We could be having convos about how he'd like me to handle a real emergency, just in case, but we're having convos instead about how it'll never happen. Fine, in his delusion he'll always make it back, and if he doesn't I'll magically find him. In my reality, I'll go 8 hours right up into sunset before I even call down to his mom's house to see if he's over there because I'm so used to this. 23 years, guys.

Grappling with getting my anxiety back down at 5 a.m. after I'm left alone in the house for another 12 hours without a soul to talk to in real life. I live in a box. I talk to people digitally. I question everything in the universe in between GET TO WORK and laundry and #napclub and FOCUS!!!

Fortunately, I have a new toy to play with. I got stuck in the portal to hell last night.

I need to go do stuffs. You guys go do stuffs, too. Hugs, hugs, lots more hugs.

leveling up on suckage

my day in a nutshell

Actually caught myself thinking awhile ago how much I'd like some morphine today. Not the greatest sign from any angle, but seem to have cleared the ground up into hamburger on the rocks under a buffalo stampede part, so maybe an earlier impulse to throw all my tech off the deck and grow a beard and live on cicadas and wild honey was a bit hasty. Do you know how long it's been since I've actually longed for a morphine shot? I hate morphine. I know, I'm a weirdo. This is more my speed. Except I no can haz.

fondly cherishing memories of codeine love

Once I realized I was chem craving my way into a deeper pain hole, I switched to remembering my first tastes and smells of really expensive kona coffee and sipped it in my virtual reality palace, and whadayaknow, mind over matter. I actually started feeling better. The powers of the mind.... They say our brains are like pharmacies, manufacturing all the drugs we need. My brain manufactured kona coffee.

Super aspie went severely out of routine this week, leveled up the workouts, extra leaving the house in the highest ragweed pollen week of the whole month, injected MOAR ZYRTEC, and suddenly dried up into mummy mode. I think I dehydrated a little bit. Doesn't take much of that to get all the little cells cranky in there. Anyway, if you don't see me on the twitters or #latenightmovie tonight or this weekend, I'm in my head manufacturing the world's most expensive coffee.