Grappling with the sort of apathy that has me migrating from feeling appalled about crunchy little ladybug bits embedding into my sox to wondering how many ways mutilated ladybug corpses and parts could be used in bold new artwork and designs. I've lost track of how long this ladybug thing has been going on, but it's certainly the longest ever.
Grappling with the sort of morning convo that has me re-explaining why I won't even be looking for @bonenado if he's laid out smashed to bits under the stars for hours and hours because he has me so trained to be used to him wandering off for hours on end without warning and without saying exactly where and not calling in until suddenly he's just back in the house, like magic. Every possible thing that could go wrong next time that I bring up gets fenced with "Oh, you'll come looking for me", like I'll somehow feel a disturbance in his force or something. I'm biting back a lot, but in case anyone missed it, this was the kind of fall that paralyzes and even kills. We could be having convos about how he'd like me to handle a real emergency, just in case, but we're having convos instead about how it'll never happen. Fine, in his delusion he'll always make it back, and if he doesn't I'll magically find him. In my reality, I'll go 8 hours right up into sunset before I even call down to his mom's house to see if he's over there because I'm so used to this. 23 years, guys.
Grappling with getting my anxiety back down at 5 a.m. after I'm left alone in the house for another 12 hours without a soul to talk to in real life. I live in a box. I talk to people digitally. I question everything in the universe in between GET TO WORK and laundry and #napclub and FOCUS!!!
Fortunately, I have a new toy to play with. I got stuck in the portal to hell last night.
I need to go do stuffs. You guys go do stuffs, too. Hugs, hugs, lots more hugs.
This is a writing prompt to help me focus in between doing stuffs. It's actually helping. Now go away.
Took a couple of months of conscious effort to stop chewing my lips up while I work, which I've done for many years and I'm surprised I have lips left at all. I'm noticing this week after a long lipcation that I'm doing it again, rather mercilessly. Then waking up to already doing pressure points on the back of my skull in my sleep, it's probably time to admit I'm having a headache.
So I quickly review the pros and cons of powering through- extra meds or no? Bunny never did come over yesterday, but she's definitely coming today, so, extra meds. I have a super limited selection. Super. Limited. Made the executive decision to increase my morning xanax dose by a quarter pill. (That is huge in my world.) My left eyelid twitched madly in agreement. Nerve flare across my face would look like awesome galaxy colored wallpaper if it were an art form. Too bad we can't set our faces to screensaver wallpaper. Everyone going with galaxy hair, yeah, I'm totally on galaxy face...
yes of course, click for awesome
And before anyone rises up with protracted withdrawal probs, I'm the queen of benzo addiction and withdrawing (my doctor laughs, my psychiatrist doesn't) and I know, K? Iz my thang, yo. Anyway, so that raises my morning dose to .1875 (I hear laughing across the fruited plain) (I know, right, not even a whole .25 tab). Unless you've been through actual DTs and real protracted withdrawal, you have no idea how good this will feel. Spiking it with a teaspoon of 41% real vanilla in my hot chocolate protein drink is heaven. (I hear more laughing. You guys will laugh when your livers swell up, I'm telling ya.)
Next option, if things still go out of control later today, will be a 7.5 mobic, and that actually doesn't touch the pain, just tones down the yelling a little for awhile. That is the only thing left I can do unless I get desperate enough to risk another reaction on another med I haven't tried yet after being a guinea pig for 2 decades. Anyway, if I take it every day I get the crazy watery auras across everything I look at. That's bad, something about high blood pressure and optic nerve involvement. If I wind up on pred because another out of the blue reaction on top of auras, we're talking defcon dizzy and that's super bad. You don't play around with brains like that when you're autoimmune. That means at ~*most*~ I take it every other day, and I try to hold it down to every 3-4 days. Yes, iz my only pain med option at this point. You people who can toss back pain pills, thank your deities and mother earth you have it so good. You people who keep bringing up medical marijuana- 1- I said I had a reaction (yes, people can be allergic to cannibas), and 2- that's still not a thing in Missouri. We grow it here. I.l.l.e.g.a.l.l.y.Foryouguys. I know things about the 'medical marijuana' *cough*industry*cough* that you hipsters don't wanna know. Yeah, I know some of you get regulated organic, isn't that sweet. You other dweebs suggesting street drugs to me in DMs, #btchplz. I like having what health I've scraped back together, so back off. This isn't funny to me any more. If you're still using those to cope, you haven't hit the ultra rock bottom I have.
I know, right, what is this doing in a 'bitch please' search
click to find out. or don't, I don't care
I told you to go away
The goal is to feel more comfortable feeling every bony structure in my skull and face. Many times through the years I have pondered how weird it is to feel like the real me is a walking skeleton, and especially to envision my face as just a skull, because every muscle ligament and tendon attachment to anything bony is an inflammation point. I've lived my entire adult life very aware of my skeleton. I used to feel freaked out about how people love skeleton art, because I felt so weird feeling like a skull looking around at everyone. Can people not see I am a walking talking skull? Because I sure feel like I am.
click. go get lost. run free. you're welcome.
Terry Pratchett helped a lot with embracing my skeleton as part of the whole me experience. One of my fave characters is Death, not because he's spooky or mystical or whatever, but because he has problems. He's just this non-corporeal anthropomorphized local event phenomenon wrestling with being audited, losing his job, and staying on top of an aspie-like obsession with cataloging and organizing timers going off. CAN YOU IMAGINE IF HE BLOGGED? Haha. You have to read the books to get that.
you foodies realize you can do stuff with colored sugar and funnels, right?
I've played....
Meanwhile, @bonenado comes back in for breakfast and several deer magically show up in the yard. He's trying to get pix. They're like teenagers, little nubs where antlers go. This is the best one I got. You can see a butt on the left and a head popping up just over the deck railing. That's the neighbor's garden.
My thoughts on the France attacks (good article) since I've been asked by several people sprinkled around the world- I think we will eventually reluctantly wind up in a world war over whether religious and political beliefs can continue to target innocents, which means new world order with world citizenry and all the nations agreeing to uphold laws already put in place by the United Nations. (Some countries adamantly resist in order to retain autonomy and control over their citizens, including the right to torture, kill, and even retain legal slavery.) I could be wrong, yes, but if I'm right, it will be the first war in world history that is about actual human rights and not assets and boundaries. It will end with the world agreeing on basic human rights. Those who are afraid of political and religious tethering and perceived loss of particular freedoms (the U.S. is not alone in this) will continue to enjoy shopping and traveling. I'm not looking forward to the war part, but I do hold high hopes for a future (however distant) of the human race becoming better. A few might think this is a belief system sellout, it is not. It is stepping off the dizzy merry-go-round of fear. I believe fear is a tool, and keeping people fearful via belief systems holds them hostage. This is not a social phenomenon created by a deity, but by a pyramid power structure. It's been going on for nearly 3000 years, and it's time we stop being duped by the process and look at how we're all going to survive each other. And, for those of you into conspiracy theories, sure why not, the militants trying to usher in the end of the world are in league with the antichrist, and we are in the age where the whole world will witness according to Revelations because of internet yada yada blahblahblah. Living at that level of hyper readiness all my life has burned me out pretty badly. ALL. MY. LIFE. Letting fear saturate 'beliefs' to the point of nonstop anxiety is only playing us into big pharm, so cut it out. Enjoy the moments, guys. Remember, holographic universe, gaming system, we're just a buncha avatars going through motions, and we are the ones who beget meaning in our own lives. Find your meaning.
If I can say all that calmly with a fairly rough headache, y'all can, too. Calm down, stop the bipolar yelling for simultaneous #killallthe____ and #faithinhumanityrestored and take a chill pill. They're working on it, ok? Takes a little patience to figure big probs out.
Nearly breaking the coffee pot because carpal tunnel brings the world back into focus, right? Whew, nearly had to run to Walmart for a new carafe.
clicks to cute 'Momnesia' blog
Also, if I have an enemy somewhere out there poking pins in my effigy and wishing plagues upon me, I'm seriously done with the ladybugs, you can stop now. Send the ladybugs to the terrorists.
This one is my fave. I can't get a click through, maybe you'll have better luck if you click on the ladybug meme collection pic up there.
A person can study other people's words, but I prefer observation. Over the years I've noticed that it doesn't make a difference which one is coming into my house, because they both are. I've also noticed that the descriptions other people give generally don't include variations of solid black, solid white (I've got a picture of that one), a weird pink, varying shades of yellow (both with and without spots), even a green one here or there, besides the usual red and orange. I've noticed the spots can vary on the red and orange, too. Once in awhile I see one with only one spot on either side, or unmatching patterns from side to side, or straight lines of little spots, or spots so big there's room for only three on each side, or missing spots completely even on both the red and orange. All of these I've actually seen crawling around, usually on me. THE MEANINGS OF THE COLORS OF LADYBUGS totally backs me up on this.
There is also such a thing as blue ladybugs. Seriously. Check out Real Blue Ladybug Pictures! And there is one on a youtube.
I've personally never seen a blue one. Apparently, they also come in a range of blues and purples, and I would probably be less crabby about them flying up my nose while I'm driving or dive bombing right into my beverages or crawling all over every surface in my house if they were blue, because I really like blue. Click this to check out the blue ones.
And @TScottBrave is right, some of them bite like heck. Also, ladybug infestations can cause significant allergy responses, so there you go. Not the cute little cute things people think they are. I've cranked about having to dig them out of my ears and how difficult it is to get one off an eyelid without crunching them to bits right into your eye. I won't even mention how stupid going to the bathroom is with them around.
Back to my day. I've been rearranging my calendar since November began to stay ahead of the bus trying to run me over, but yesterday mowed me flat, so now it's recoup and hope a hawk doesn't spot me lying feebly on a rock and eat me. I need to be out the door by 8:00, very slowly and gently scraping myself together into a cohesive and hopefully coordinated, if not exactly complimentary, body set in motion. I'll probably klutz through the day and leave a wake of unintentional misdeeds. BUT HEY. I got @bonenado's hunting gear into the wash this morning. I've only been meaning to get to that for 2 weeks.
I forgot how sticky 2 year olds can be. My house is getting sticky. Nearly everything I touch is sticky.
I wanna be sleeping like Batman.
K, I need to focus. Youtube is trying to get me to watch Celtic Woman doing Christmas tunes.
click to see a list of Celtic Woman doing Christmas tunes
I'm going with an oldie but goodie. Pinky needs a brain hug. This is for #allthefandoms and hanging on for dear life down the wild and crazy holiday slide until we crash into tax season. I love you guys.
