I think I'm going to write my book like that. I'll have to send the entire thing straight through without an editor review or it'll take forever arguing back and forth about rendering out my coolness with their auto software rewrite.
Thoughts lately.
The way Gotham is nodding to all the Joker incarnations. 🏆
When it's the Harrison Wells spinoff but they keep calling it The Flash. 😶
Finally watched The Two Coreys. 💔💔
Ancient Aliens. 👽
I drew a blank there. I'm keeping up with the new episodes, just spaced out while a thousand thoughts suddenly crowded in.
I used to try to meticulously untangle all my thoughts. I thought if I laid them all out I'd be able to objectively and more logically see where meaning lies. I'm kind of leaning nowadays in the direction of subjective interpretive leaps.
For instance, I am very slow audio processing. I can listen and retain very well as long as there is no other stimuli. At all. But add visual and background noise and interruptions and whatever, forget it.
On the other hand, I'm a speed reader. I can glance through very thick technical material and sift out pertinent data very quickly and then transcribe condensated (action word for condensed, yes, I know it's not a real word but it should be) interpretation for easy ingestion by others.
So it's dawning on me that, maybe, trying to be so conscious of every thought is getting in my way. It's slowing me way down. Like math, for you non-mathy types. It feels very laborious to think through structuring a complex math sentence, but so easily spoken as an idea, right. Some brains are good at expression, some are more intuitive without it.
Back to Ancient Aliens. Reality starts with the Nazca lines. They exist. We can speculate till the cows turn blue and never really have an answer. The pyramids, on the other hand, are making more and more sense all the time. It's like our planet broke out in a pyramid rash one millennia and they've never gone away, like chicken pox scars.
I finally ventured into the 'truther' vids about the vacuum of space. They have a point. When I was in grade school back in the 70s, it was common knowledge that space would explode your eyeballs if you didn't have a helmet on. You really don't see that in scifi any more. I asked @bonenado about the Tesla car that SpaceX sent up, why didn't the tires blow out, and without an eyeblink he shot back maybe they were solid tires, because there is such a thing. My husband, with basically no knowledge whatsover of the science of a vacuum, was smarter than Elon Musk in that moment. Even if the Tesla car was for real, why did Elon stutter when he was asked that? Why didn't he shoot out a real answer? And even if the Tesla car was fake, why was he not ready with an answer like that? If he's so smart, how could he not just say something like that when put on the spot? @bonenado was the kid who ate glue in school, and he shot that out so fast without even thinking, and he hadn't even seen the videos about that.
I don't think anything we see is real. Since I was a kid, I have suspected that there is way more than we can imagine, and way less than we speculate. I've been saying for years that we are swimming in radio waves and radiation, that our satellite transmissions are a soup all around us, every possible thing we could ever pick up a signal on is going through us all the time. Worlds we don't see and can't imagine pass through us continually. We bump into walls that we could easily walk through if we knew how, we drag around in bodies that we either hate or take for granted instead of using them to enjoy life and learn how to love each other, we stumble over our own thoughts into gloom and fear when another thought could easily dissolve that away.
All boiled down, we're living our own stories, right. Some people are living bad scifi movies, some people are living scary chiller movies, some people are living lifetime and hallmark movies. And you know it's cool now to jump the shark and mash it all up into a parody movie or a mockumentary.
The Tesla car doesn't bother me. Whether people really went into space or not doesn't bother me. Villains in politics don't bother me. What bothers me is when I hear someone lose it all over someone else while I'm shopping. What really bothers me is when I see a guy punch a girl in a car across a parking lot. What bothers me the most is when I see a crying baby trapped in a car seat being smacked really hard by someone who can't get their life together.
What is reality? What are we choosing?
I'm hiding in my house from a brainwashing cult and practically living in a game server, and you know what? I've never felt more free. If you try to tell me that's messed up, I'll say yeah, so is the idea that we wish aliens would come tell us how to love each other.
I'm silently coasting semi tilted and askew like a muted minecraft boat across a moonlit ocean, floating incoherently around my house looking at the clock every half hour. Up is down and now is never and all the salt has been poured out long ago. This is what an eon feels like to a photon between galaxies.
Thank goodness for crock pots. That alone saved this whole day.
I have nothing wise left to say and my head hurts and nothing helps. I know I did this to myself. Pain be damned, right? They said double the med, so I doubled it and conquered all the hard things like I had the right to colorful spandex, and now look at me, wilting around brainless, useless, motivationless. Sleepless.
I was asked several questions yesterday during 6 month follow up assessment, I answered truthfully, and I remain free to continue sans head meds. I didn't volunteer that I triggered hard the other day and had to all-stop, and I didn't share the concerns and disappointments in my head, because I know all this is just adjusting to chemicals changing again and will soon pass (again) (they always do, this is so familiar). I also didn't mention the sad, which is partly very real and not just lopsided chemicals.
Just keep making words. Keep walking past the ennui. Keep looking forward so I don't see the bumping around in the dark. Keep looking at a teeny distant flicker I hope isn't something I'm just making up in my mind. I mean, of course it is, I invented all of this, it's the only reason I'm out here. I created *this* so I could keep bobbing on a dark ocean under a moon on a monitor.
I'm still really pissed about what happened last week, and I'm glad I turned it into a big deal. All the same, who do I talk to about it? Myself? Some are called Lightworkers. Some are named Illuminati. Some are Alliance, some are Cabal. Some save children, some pass children through the flames.
One of us is very cynical.
If someone does wrong and calls it right, it is not right. If someone does right and calls it wrong, it is not wrong. If someone hurts another person for gain of any kind and justifies it, that is not right. If someone saves others from damage and victimization, that is not wrong. Yet we keep getting these things mixed up. You cannot hurt others and be doing right no matter how loyal or faithful you may be to your belief or your cause. You cannot save others and be doing wrong no matter what anyone else says about whose side you are on.
It is occurring to me that the ones saying wake up and the ones putting us to sleep might be the same thing.
What is your own heart saying? What is your mind and soul saying? When something beautiful and inspiring carries a sinister taint, or when something ugly and vile glows with warmth, maybe it's time to just step back a bit and ask ourselves what we just got pulled into. And maybe, just maybe, right and wrong are being so tangled up that we can't think any more and it's just easier to think what we're told by those we trust to be saying what we hoped we wanted to hear. Or, actually, those who yank our chains just right.
My own mantra is if all else fails, nourish my body with clean water and healthy foods, rest from the fray, and stop my mind so peace can seep in and refresh me. I walk away.
Lamenting the world and torturing ourselves with strong emotions over injustices is a form of self inflicting. Thinking that we are doing the world a service with our enraged or inspired overthinking is a disservice to our own health. We cannot be good for others if we are not good for ourselves.
There are some we praise who get high on the suffering of others, and I'm not talking about politics. There are some who skate above the noise because they think they earned a Place, and we give them money to live comfortably, and I'm not talking about religion. Every single day millions of us spend millions of dollars on entertainment, on an industry touting right against wrong while doing wrong against right.
There are some others thrust into places who could potentially change the entire world, and they are so afraid someone will kill, maim, or mute them and their children that they remain silent. It's difficult to stand up and say something like 'me too' when decades of evidence backs up cowardice over bravery. It's one thing to stand up for 'right', it's another thing to use it as an agenda. Stuff like that.
Then there is me. "Puddleglum, with Plato, recognizes the difference between the world of shadows, and the world with the sun."
Sometimes I find someone like me.
This is the truth behind all other truths, beyond all rights and wrongs. At 4:30, enter the clearest presentation I've ever heard for every argument anyone has ever made about any *thing* on this earth. This is a guy who is so done with right is wrong and wrong is right that he actually took on exposing a government program knowing it could cost him his life. Not just his job. His life. Sometimes being disgusted enough to step up is the rightest thing a person can do on this planet. Sometimes the only way forward is to accept that there is no 'good' around you before you can see what truth is.
Knowing how invasive and abused this 'protection' is, being on the side of 'right' and 'good', how can you possibly believe any institution is 'right' and 'good'? All humans are human. All people strive under duress to meet agendas. Never assume everyone around you is free from pressure to toe a status quo or keep a secret or protect their own asses. Never assume a friend (coworker, churchgoer, family) won't stab you in the back out of weakness if their world turns black.
YOU decide what is right and what is truth. Do your own thinking, research what you can, put together what makes sense, and take control of your own mind, your own emotions, your own lives. If you know you are hurting people, make a plan to change that and stop hurting people. Don't take that to your graves with you. Don't justify it and pass the blame. Don't give someone else the power to hurt people by using you as their tool.
If you want to fix the world, fix yourself first. If you want to heal someone, heal yourself first. If you want to find the truth, find your truth first. History changes for other people's futures every time we decide to make a change in ourselves and act on it.
Funny how a headache goes away when I let the words out.
About a week or so ago, Google changed the way you can access images in search. For years I've been able to get to cached image storage after websites went private or even deleted. That button is gone now. Sourcing images back to original original source technically no longer exists. This might seem irrelevant to some, but it's actually huge in a world of restricting access. It's not that big of a deal for me, since I mostly play with memes (and I try to give credit with link backs whenever possible), but for some people this means no longer being able to source original news photos that have gone viral. Something to think about.
Youtube opinion accounts are being shut down this last week, whether they are monetized or not, and at least one person has been interviewed by a major television news network citing the algorithm fallout already affecting his real life business so badly that he lost it. That was fast. Was I the only one to notice how fast that was? Anyway, the U.S. is being virtually cut off from search fields across medias, not out of malice, but out of opportunity. Hands are being tied as the FCC and internet regulations are allowing much bigger hands to insist on removing what gets in their ways. Facebook has been restricting feeds and posting capabilities for a couple of months, judging by the complaints I've seen, twitter went on a bot purge cleaning house (I wonder why they only picked Russian bots, because I'm really tired of purging the spam and porn and automated vitriol from the rest of the world, as well), and as accounts shift to new hosts hoping to survive, the web is shifting like a ship on a scary ocean. Well, at least for Americans. Funny thing is, I don't think most people are noticing. Unless you are following live news broadcasts and live feeds and noticing some things are literally being scrubbed back off the internet within the hour, you really have no idea. I've been on the webs since 1994 and have never seen anything like it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That was last night. This is today.
I think I'm getting my life back. I coughed myself into a what feels like a neck sprain through all that flu and cold virus stuff back to back, and I made an appointment for next week to talk to someone about checking on possible herniated incision since it's still so soon after gallbladder removal (a little over 3 months, but 18-24 months for complete healing and incisions always remain weak spots), but that's what coughing does, right, it wrecks you up and makes you miserable and then it's such a relief when it's over. Hopefully it's just an acute fibro of the abdomen flare, and that's actually a real thing and sucks a bit.
From Fibromyalgia and You- "It is a systemic disease that mainly affects the muscles, their attachments (tendons, ligaments) and coverings (fascia). Fibromyalgia may be considered as soft tissue rheumatism. Fibromyalgia may also affect many other parts of the body, including the stomach, bowels and female organs."
I am noticing, though, that even having only 2 contacts with anyone for any kind of hands on physical therapy since before Christmas, my pain levels are significantly lower and much more tolerable (a really nice side effect is my general anxiety being at an all time low), and I really think that's because removing the diseased/infected gallbladder was such a relief to my entire body that many systems are going back to a normal I wasn't aware could exist. Just living with that amount of localized inflammation must've taxed my poor body 24 hours a day for months and months, and now just having that gone is making a whole lot of difference how the rest of my challenges are able to be internally addressed. Even when I should probably think I'm feeling kind of miserable, I feel so much better than I used to. I still can't believe I breezed through the actual influenza B. Really hope the A misses me. There are people around the area who've tested positive for both at the same time, plus we had at least 2 separate cold/crud viruses circulating, as well. Got pretty crazy.
I feel like this is my most boring post ever, so I may as well share that my house is a wreck and I don't care because I finally got to sit and watch TV, and it felt gooooood. I almost never see much TV any more. I thought they did a nice episode with Carl, although it felt like Negan should've been interrupting them any second, so I was way more jumpy and anxious than I usually am watching Walking Dead. And then tonight I sat through Revenge of the Sith on TV even though I own it, and used the commercial breaks to get supper put away and coffee ready for tomorrow and my pajamas on and stuff like that. Bunny and her mama have been feeling so much better enough to run around with friends again, so it's been a bit blissful just being able to sit around and let my mind go blank.
Some of this is silly, some of this is serious. Take what you will from it, or skip it and find better things to do. 💗
When I run into my own predictive programming and about fall outa my chair...
I like checking on reader hits here because I get a feel for what y'all find interesting, right. So I'm seeing Batman- The Day After and then following my own link embeds in that post because I totally forgot what I was writing back then, so I was going backwards in time into #TeamWells #FlashbackFriday and about fell outa my chair when I got to the last sentence.
I know right. I didn't even know I did that. Trump announced that summer and I could've cared less, and that's not why I said trumps all. I rarely use that word, and to check, I did a search on Pinky blog. Only six posts out of currently 1161 (not counting this one) use the word 'trumps', and they're mostly pretty edgy.
You guys know the big mandela effect thing started sweeping the world just before the Barry Allen Flashpoint aired, right.
Anyway, mandela effects and predictive programming are both red hot think items nowadays, and sourcing original content is becoming more precious than ever over those two things.
"You and I both know this trumps all right now." And then there's a fanvid crammed full of mandela effect entertainment and predictive programming. I made that post in 2015. Am I cutting edge or what. The sync is getting stronger and stronger.
So what comes next? I've been saying it. All through Pinky blog I've been writing about the brain training that entertainment is doing, the strange dreams I keep having, where honesty and truth really come from, and how we find out who we are. How we choose to go forward is up to us, and it's vital that we choose. #kindnessislogical It's easy to blow this stuff off, and it's ok if you don't think you can open your eyes. Just know it's time to wake up now. Whenever whatever happens, it's going to happen fast, like flipping a pancake.
And that's just a cover story. Remember that something in a mirror looks backward, something turned inside out looks wrong, and that something upside down doesn't look right. Then when you see all that layered over and over in all those different ways, all smashed up and saying the same but different things oppositely until you can't tell any more what world order was really about in the first place so let's conveniently blame stuff on whoever, just keep your head down, your eyes open, and remember #kindnessislogical.
Who knows if this is real, and what will happen, but this is the kind of stuff exploding youtube lately. We love discussing The Walking Dead and The 100 and what we'd do in a crisis, maybe let's apply it to real life for a few seconds. How many countries have reprocessed their own people throughout history? All of them.
ME playing devil's advocate- Your children are held in a federally sanctioned state run building nearly every day. I've seen a school lockdown. You absolutely cannot communicate with or reach your child during a lockdown. Imagine all the schools going on lockdown all at the same time. Just saying. I have nothing against schools or government, I'm just saying most of you probably haven't thought through whatever resistance you think you're going to be ready with. I bet people will line up really fast if their kids are in lockdown.
You can find that stuff all day. I find it fascinating because I love geology and karst systems.
Logically, our own government doesn't want to fail and be vulnerable. If they need to change something big with the least amount of problem possible, I'm sure they'll find a way to do it. Cooperation will be paramount because, like I said, vulnerable. They need people on their jobs, they need the economy running, they need everyone ready to handle everything, and the last thing we need is a government stumbling all over resisters that wind up getting us nuked because we're fish in a barrel. What we need to wrap our understanding around is the idea that the government above us is already embroiled in civil war over the world order thing, and it's not about the political party side taking that people are trained to gravitate into. Whatever side is the good side or bad side (and dang it, it really is hard to tell), the best way to survive and help is simply keep living your life and be ready to handle problems the same way you'd be expected to with large scale weather events. I think people want to root for their teams, but right now the teams are seeming a bit mixed up swapping shirts or something, and we can't quite tell who's on which team.
I know a lot of people are terrified we're all going to be brainwashed and tagged with microchips. It's really not feasible, nor does anyone have that kind of manpower. If the imminent danger to us is an event we're not prepared to accept is real, and we either all perish over our ignorance or survive by a few days' brutal handling, I'll take survival. People used to say 'better dead than red', and the fear is still real. But if no one of any value to resistance survives, who will keep the resistance going, whatever the resistance is, right? My dreams show me that it's vital to keep the knowledge and information that we have intact and move it forward, and if the only way through a maze is to cooperate and you've got the only piece of vital information, survival by cooperation is more important than dying for a cause or belief. That cause or belief can only survive with survivors.
My brain has already broken. I live with the glitch. I'm not afraid. I'm already brain training myself to want to feel useful and cooperative, mainly because aging makes people combative and difficult to care for, and then it's no fun to take care of people like that. I have already accepted that I don't have control, and that since I must rely on other people to care for me, I want to reward that with my own usefulness and kindness. "Against such there is no law." Underneath all the things that divide us, we are still all human, and we still all need each other. We need to remember that. Hating won't save any of us.
I like crossing lines. I've been treading taboo since I was a kid. I questioned God and faith so hard that my mom was terrified I'd be lost to hell. I still poke my dad so much that I get the feeling sometimes he is convinced I can't possibly be saved and that's obviously too bad, but it's his obligation to keep telling me all the stuff anyway even though he believes in predestination and that souls are born into this world already either belonging to God or rejected by him. I grew up with people who were so convinced that ideas in my head were going to cause my eternal damnation that they could barely find ways to accept me as a personal loved one. There were so many prejudices in the way that I never believed either one of my parents loved me for nearly my whole life. I never felt forgiven and loved anyway, which is a simple life truth I managed to sift out and apply to my own life and children because it's logical. It's not logical to throw your own offspring under the bus. That is fear, pure and simple. I've brought up before that being naturally autistic enables me to enjoy thinking through conflicting ideas without being bothered by them. I can easily carry opposing belief systems around with me through my mundane days, because it amuses me to take them apart and reassemble them. I love asking more and more questions until every shred of institutionalization is torn apart, and then rebuilding so that I understand the purposes, the goals, the reasons it works. I was born to think like this. It comes easily to me. I don't fuss much over who is right or wrong because all have some right, and all certainly have some wrong. One example might be Christians missing the forgiveness boat. I actually know people who have estranged themselves from offspring because of ideas, nothing else, to the point where their own children literally dying of emotional neglect or abandonment via drug and alcohol abuse doesn't seem to phase them. Bad seeds and all that. I find it shocking that a parent wouldn't go to any length to try to save a child at any age, but that exists all around me, and I find it contrary to nature. Or, I find it reprehensible, the same way a human might feel about a cat or dog gorging on their first litter, which is a real thing sometimes. If a sheep won't let a lamb suckle, that is so terrible, but if a human pushes a child away because saving a tree takes precedence, that is noble. So I pull these things apart like puzzles, and up until the last few years thought I was completely alone doing this. Thanks to youtube, there's been an explosion of thought sharing, and I'm loving all the ways other people also take everything they know apart trying to figure out what is real, what is important, and what matters. That's the thing right there. I don't believe any of that matters. Did Elon Musk fake the car in space? I love space. I love science. I love that there is a car floating around out there. I also love that there's a huge debacle boiling over on youtube about flat earth, science as a religion being institutionalized to brain train us into robots, and whether or not anything we think we know is real at all. So let's step out for a second. Step out of this universe and look at it. We live IN it, or we think we do, or whatever, right? And we all have thoughts about our experiences. I have boiled it down to yes, we are in a situation where night and day exist, growing cycles have a regular rhythms, polluting is a bit of a nasty problem, and food is pretty scarce in some places. Other than that, there's not one shred of it that we can prove at all. People are born here, and then we die. Everything dies. Everything. We fuss about that part, and we use that part to make the rest meaningful or not in relation to that, but even that doesn't matter. What are you doing right now? Did you make someone cry today? Did you make someone feel crummy or sad or miserable? Did YOU cause that? ~That's what matters.~ We can argue all we want about end time prophecy, faith vs works, who God really is, who and what is right and wrong, and none of that changes anything about your day except how you allow it to control your behavior. When you allow a belief system to control you so much that you'll throw emotional rocks at your loved ones, or let them agonize in emotional starvation ignoring them, then that belief system throws what really matters in the trash can. Humans matter. People matter. YOU MATTER. Your family matters. How do we know what really matters? I thought long and hard about this. At the end of our lives, and this has been studied and documented for decades, people extremely rarely care at all about whether their religion was right, or whether they were right. What they care about is being lonely, and they wonder why someone doesn't come to check on them, or they wish they'd said something to someone and now it's too late and that opportunity is gone forever. Some people die with broken hearts because their relationships are a mess, or they are alone, or they don't know how to fix what they broke. One exception to this is mental illness. Some of you might have grown up with abusive adults that seemed to feel no remorse right up to the point of death. The hurt, pain, anger, and sadness you might feel about that is your reminder that THAT is what matters. You didn't feel loved correctly, you didn't feel forgiven for being in their lives, you didn't feel safe, and while you might use a belief system to console yourselves, that isn't what matters. What matters is that broken feeling, and that is a very good indicator for your belief system not fixing anything important. What is important? Forgiveness. Closure. Saying those last words. Not getting there in time. Missing that moment. Being there in that final moment. I've been sharing a few youtubes off and on lately both on Pinky blog and on facebook that question the realities we think we are in. Some of you are familiar with truthers and survivalists and whatever. I have never cared. I'm being very serious saying that. I have never cared whether our government destroying our own people and places is real or not because governments have been doing that time out of mind. I have studied philosophies and governments and religions around the world, and the one thing they all have in common is how do we control the people. How do we manage our economies, change the structures, fix the problems, use solutions the people don't like? How do we normalize what we fear, reset what the norms are, swivel the point of view until compliance is met? It's very difficult to manage a large number of people when it comes to travel and economy and health care and supplies. People have a way of thinking for themselves, solving all their own little problems, and without central (mainstream) control mechanisms, that actually gets a little chaotic. So governments criminalize things and use laws as fences. They oversee economies (our milk prices have been fixed for a very long time) and move people around (military families) and subsidize stuff like school loans (think tank training). If you for one second think that a mass of people arguing nonstop among themselves can actually sway real change in government when the people behind the curtains with billions of dollars are the ones pulling the real strings, and then you go and make your own families miserable over something stupid because politics is so important, maybe you're the one getting played. Something to think about. Sherlock fans might remember this quote. Guys, this is me. When Sherlock first said this, everyone blew it off as his eccentricity, but if you follow the entire series, you see exactly what really truly matters.
Anyway, the reason I started writing this out was because of the flat earth thing. I am a truly hardcore space fan, I always have been. I dig the escapism of space 'out there'. I love that space is used in stories as a way to deal with stuff we can't civilly discuss if it were on earth. Babylon 5, Farscape, Lexx. The entire Stargate franchise. But I couldn't help noticing for years that space stories are ultimately so handy for changing perspectives across large numbers of people. Entertainment breaks through where political diplomacy fails. And of course, I've brought up that Marvel has caught on, etc. Some of you know this fascinates me. So for awhile, science fiction was used in an either/or way. Either aliens were coming to kill us, or they were coming to save us. Either we die of mass plagues, or we solve all the problems and save the earth and possibly even the galaxy. The overarching ideas that kept being introduced for years were about problem solving very particular ideas that corresponded to our own lives. Sci-fi is notorious for dealing with race and gender issues, and for bringing governments and their militaries into the story telling. Refugees are common plot devices. Throw in a little time travel, a variety of off world species intermingling, and a noble calling, and bing, you have a fight for the right and we're all falling into step adopting it into our homes via collectibles, clothing, and decor. A really cool government is one that solves ALL the problems so that we can be one big happy world of people running off to find other exciting life across the universe.
Can you imagine how dull television would be without any of that? Space has lent so much to economic exchange and growth, not to mention new beliefs and belief systems springing up, that a world without all that would seem pretty empty. It's almost unbearable to contemplate. But now there is a new suspicion rising up, a terrible and bitter disappointment that all of this space stuff was made up just to hoodwink us all, and it has truly worked brilliantly. Until now. And now that the secrets are coming out and reality isn't what we thought it was and truthers are destroying our illusions, it's getting even harder to figure out who is really telling the truth. Like, for instance, Q-Anon. Is he alliance or cabal? Anyone really familiar with Illuminati would instantly recognize the method and the really subtle way truth is used to make other truth false, and people falling for it left and right. But is that person really sincere? Is he for real? Because if he is, then we must ask if he's just another one of their brainwashed puppets, right? The vid description in this recent reveal is noteworthy, click over to youtube to see it.
I'm all for investigating who in the world set up these belief systems in the first place. I grew up in a legalistic church that debated every jot and tittle down to the nuance on basically nothing more than the vaguest of actual historical studies, and from what I could see, Jesus questioning the priests in the temple as a boy was the picture of what was wrong with belief systems in the first place. I don't care for the debates over specifics, the point was that whoever Jesus was, he sure timed it well (Masons and Moors were already around, as were Buddhists), and his presence alone seems to have overturned the entire world in one way or another. But as was pointed out in that last vid, who exactly got hold of that religion in its infancy and grabbed world control is actually a really sinister story, and it really does continue to this day. Some of you have seen how I've struggled with my dad's POV, like he gets stuck in a loop counter after certain triggers.
Part of the problem is the argument coming out of nearly any mouth out there that we've been lied to. Well, duh, of course we've been lied to. Our entire lives are lies, can we please just move past that, thank you. Anyone can study history and see what the truth is, and that truth is that the idea of World Order goes so far back in human history that it's almost ludicrous. This is where people fall for it being an alien agenda, because what else could it be? Humans die so fast, why would they care? So there are elaborate stories woven around the richest bloodlines in the world being part alien DNA. Personally, I don't care whether that is true or not. If space aliens came to this earth to whatever their agenda is, then they've been among us time out of mind and nothing can change that. But if this was concocted to control the masses, like worship your gods and pay tribute, and oh by the way, we have sovereign ownership over you so you must be in our militaries, etc, then that was brilliant, right? Slow clap for that one. But then wake up and go Ohhhh, they're still doing it... We are still owned. I've been saying this for years. We have always been owned. You were born into citizenship. You aren't allowed to decide that. How many people around the world have defected and sought refuge from their governments? This next vid was oddly cute until around 5:30 in. Kinda got my stomach. (Predictive programming is kind of a sport with enthusiastic hobby spotters.)
So let's be smart about this. We may not ever know what truth really is on this earth. We can spit and argue all we want, but absolutely none of it is proven one way or another without your presence there verifying it. I personally favor logic and space. However, I also believe (my belief system) that people are more important than the ideas that come between us. I figured that one out in my childhood. My mom and my dad argued bible incessantly. Nevermind that they agreed on 95% of it, that other 5% was enough for my mom to suffer so much over my dad going to hell, according to everyone in her belief system, that it embittered her and sent her spiraling through a massive depression and finally to her lingering death. My dad was just as bad. Despite his once saved always saved rhetoric, he HAD to try to force her to agree with him decade after decade until the only way they could reconcile at all was through her strokes and memory loss, and even then it was very difficult being the children watching that ship go down. Their belief systems were more important than the way they treated each other. Their belief systems were more important than forgiveness and getting along. Their belief systems, so nearly alike, were so tortuous that I can't even imagine how I'd have survived my mother's death without dad going to the nursing home nearly every day for five years to sit with her at lunch. That devotion and her inability to call out much beyond his name when she was afraid of something became iconic to everyone around them. THAT was what their entire marriage should have been like.
How socially organized is your thought process? Do you feel compelled to defend a belief system? Like I said, I like the whole space thing, but I wouldn't be condescending to anyone over not believing it's real. Whether it's real or not is less important than how I treat someone. Hard lesson learned, thanks, Mom and Dad. I need some more #bencongruity.
I went to bed early last couple nights because, even with the tamiflu, I can feel a minority of tiny bad guys working against me. Nothing terrible, just wiped out, and 3 more days to go on this stuff. Anyway, I wound up with a cool vid trail.
This really needs to break through the news barrier. This is as bad as Hitler, guys. I remember when the Berlin wall came down. This very short piece is from a documentary.
This is a collection of very real science news going on about very real cloning. This is only what we see in the actual news, but the 200+ cloned fetus dump was really eye opening.
Other countries are taking this extremely seriously. Why are WE not?
This is long and it's not scripted, so it kind of meanders a little, but it is a composite of very real things going on that a lot of people are looking into. This is an older vid, but we're clearly past 'conspiracy' now, if one pays any attention at all. The human rights issue is at stake, and how the balance tips on the scale is already happening. The psychological war for world dominance is very real, and if you haven't caught on by now that entertainment is the vehicle and that your chains being yanked on medias to stay upset (and thereby more easily pushed into directions of thought and chain reaction), then you need to wake up.
And if all that wore you out and you're just wanting some entertainment, here you go. You're welcome.
Those of you NOT coming in on mobile might be noticing little format tweaks. I've decided I'm in a frickin' good mood this year and I'm done with the getting dragged down stuff. Even when I do my best to shunt it off my main feeds, so many of you are DETERMINED to be a drag that I just stopped even checking half the time. I've had notifications turned off nearly forever now, but just popping on once a day to sparkle a little joy is such a dismal undertaking that I'm not sure how the world even keeps turning. Oh yeah, the real world isn't social media, lol.
I'm barely catching glimpses of the winter olympics, kind of checking on what the gang is watching every night on TV, stuff like that. I miss everyone, but one of the weird side effects of my life getting jerked sideways last year is getting emotionally healthier, so there you go, that's a real thing, social media triggers depressions galore, blahblah. Watched another popular account go ballistic last week being overly tagged in a super massive convo gang on an endless spawn of threads, and I guess it just doesn't occur to some of you to turn notifications off. There is no other answer for that. Some of you saw me writhe in facepalm and fail agony through that, and I'm here to tell you there is so much freedom in silencing the tags.
Anyway, I intend to do a bit more tweaking little by little, since I live here and I feel like remodeling, so if you're coming in sporadically on mobile, Club 2018 is my new thing.
In the meantime, since some of you are bored and the weird stuff gets more attention, here is your next homework assignment.
"In the Eye's original animated incarnation, its center was a camera iris that opened and shut, and the first still version set the Eye against a background of clouds." -The CBS Eye turns 60
And now there are cameras everywhere, watching us.
Maybe it's time to decide what we really want in our lives. Personally, I want a few beautiful days that feel gentle on my soul, and I've been learning the hard way for years that money doesn't buy that, that no one can hand that to me, and that ultimately I'm the one who must find it, create it, and then actually enjoy it. Maybe the hate spew we keep feeling channeled toward is psychological warfare being spun over us by billionaires with agendas. Maybe the depression they create and feed us keeps us all medicated or drinking, both of which keep them rich. Maybe the entertainment lulls us into lives of passivity that go nowhere and we try to feel better buying things. I just know that the longer I'm away from being 'plugged in', the better I feel.
So the commentonyesterday's postmentionedEOTS (here's moreif you're interested), which cracked me up, but I can't help wondering how someone else might react to the kind of stuff happening that I mentioned in my reply back.
This kind of stuff has been going on lately anyway, and it's easy to blow it off, but technically, my phone isn't supposed to be able to activate apps and make decisions to do things without actually being in my hands or being verbally instructed by me to do these things. I had to search out a hidden app download last week, like you do, that uber hogged my phone memory, one of those sudden out of the blue downloads from Google Play. You know, because that's totally normal for phones to do without any kind of activation. I live way out of town near a state forest, both my data plan and local internet are encrypted, I'm the only one in the house, and my phone is just doodling around on its own because it's bored.
My family history goes back to theVisigothson my dad's side. The Masons and Moors go back that far, too. A lot of people don't know world history and it is being forgotten. All our religions and belief systems are being stirred together now and marketed to us as consumables. We buy smash art on our clothing, our decor, our tech accessories, and our entertainment, and most of the time don't even recognize what it really is. A great example is goth sugar skull. Sugar skull is originally colorful and meant to be respectful as part of a holy practice. It got coopted into an occupying religion, and is now corrupted into an art form against that religion, and none of this has anything to do with the original reason for sugar skull. All this stuff goes way back. Moors, Masons, and Catholics were the major players for well over 1500 years, and they all wanted their own kind of world order. They used religion as their motivation and reason, they kept their own banking systems, they pulled political strings and orchestrated wars, and now here we are, smashing all our cultures into a new thing. My very real Goth heritage is just a cartoon now, something to appropriate and mass market until no one remembers what was real.
My family history winds all through the nation state boundary lines moving around, the bloody wars breaking families up, the new governments experimenting on their own people to the point of mass famines, and even as I was growing up there were still immigrants fleeing from the Czech Republic and trying to flee from Cuba. None of this has ever really stopped. While Americans are currently being distracted with an orchestrated presidential scandal investigation and immigration standstills, people all over the world are still struggling with very real political problems upending their economies and even tearing up their towns. While we grumble about the news we're allowed to see and watch the TV shows we're trained to stop our lives for, people all over our own country are going missing. It happens so often that it's not even news, it's even boring, and oh look, a cute puppykitten in our social media feed.
I'm not into genealogy, but it's handy. I happen to be born into a family that has kept track of its genealogy for many generations, or at least knows the ancestral history behind who we are. While my dad's ancestors kept moving away from one war after another for generations, my mom's family was in government pay. Being a king's legal counsel was dangerous. I look back on these ancestry lines and wonder how we ever made it this far. Life was definitely not a piece of cake. I wonder what they'd all think of us passively surviving what almost boils down to emotional slavery. We are challenged daily to survive our depressions, urged to comply with copious amounts of medications, pacified with entertainment till we are lulled to a dull sleep and feel helpless to really do anything to change a fragile world we know can't last. It's easier to just believe it will and keep shopping.
Scott asked me tonight what he should do if I ever disappear. I said make a big deal about it and point to all this stuff that I write and share. I'm on a list now. 😂 He'll probably do nothing and feel free of me until he runs out of laundry and gets sick of hot dogs and Chinese takeout.
Let's revisit the email they sent me."Consistent with our commitment to transparency, we are emailing you because we have reason to believe that you either followed one of these accounts or retweeted or liked content from these accounts during the election period."They have reason to believe that I interacted with a malicious account. It's weird how both vague and very to the point that sounds. I was contacted by a legal team for nothing more than this. The deemed 'malicious account' could have been tweeting pictures of cats and I would never know. Why do I need to be alerted to this? Especially if the malicious accounts are being shut down, right. Why in the world do I need to be told by a legal team that my account has been flagged? I've spent 5 years peeling off so many crazy weird accounts off me that cover everything from how long bugs orgasm to political tiffs in Venezuela, or like the time I got super mobbed by Arab accounts, hundreds of them suddenly following me. Not a peep out of twitter. It's up to me to fend for myself, vet the hop-ons, mute the stupidity, and steer clear of the marketing machine bumbling around. Excuse us, but we have reason to believe you liked a tweet, so we are being cool and letting you know we know but can't say we know.
Meanwhile, tons of hatefest tweets still rage through my feeds blaspheming all they want to without a care....
1500 years of human struggle and it's boiling down to whether I liked a tweet now.
*looking for the stupidest Ben youtube I can find* *settling for Strange because I've seen all the stupid ones because I'm an addict*
My braindeadedness today feels like deep fried calamari and side of coleslaw. I am choosing not to go full aspienado hard shutdown because I'm actually the least likely person to make the noise level worse. One is asleep because overnight job, another is staring at football, I am utterly drained of manna, and a 4 year old is prattling nonstop and remodeling my kitchen into a 'house' of 'pets' defined with an afghan spread on the floor as the rug, various containers and toys posing as pets in their beds, and at the moment the mailman is running around the house announcing "mail! mail!" and handing out quarters. I got 2 quarters, representing the most mail. I bet they're bills. I'm not inclined to check. I was up 19 hours (that's nearly 24) before my 5 hours of sleep last night, and I can't handle bills right now. I'm just thrilled that she's in a good mood and entertaining herself. Irony is when twitter sends you a long email yesterday letting you know your account qualifies as an item in the U.S. Presidency-Russian scandal investigation and sending a happy little tweet today about it being your 5th anniversary on twitter. It's actually been longer, but I closed a couple other accounts further back. I think I go back to at least 2008 on twitter, technically.
Couple of quotes from that email include, oh what the heck, here's the whole thing. Notice it's from their legal department.
In which my freedom of speech violation is hinted at.
In which it is suggested that I am part of these malicious accounts.
In which I'm let known that people don't come to twitter to see ME.
I addressed this issue publicly over the weekend. This next shot clicks to twitter source, which in turn clicks to the post I wrote.
I handled that while I was vigorously multitasking- cooking breakfast for several people, handling chat help on an international game server, looking after a 4 year old, and getting ready to race out the door to an event.
I made friends with the wrong people. They are Russians. Twitter unites us around the world, and I've been friends with a number of people in a TV show fandom (international production) since 2005. We have a history that goes back across forums full of dates and timestamps. I am very publicly documented in google search in this fandom.
And now I am apparently a possible enemy of the state. Because I am friends with people on the other side of the ocean over a 20 year old TV show. Because I used a public international social media host to be friends with them. Because, of course, every American must now be investigated in this ridiculous scandal conspiracy if they are friends with Russians.
I don't know if other fandom representatives (I'm not official, but very obvious thanks to a lot of web presence) got emails like this. A lot of us on twitter are friends with worldwide fans of all kinds of TV shows. Stargate is a great example.
Heads up, America. It has begun, whatever 'it' is. The Big Brother thing that people have been freaked out over for decades. I really hope social media isn't about to flip into something very ugly.
#transparency- I didn't vote for any of the leading candidates. I voted for someone who had already withdrawn from the presidential race. I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone who is currently in office, and I am neither for nor against any of them. They run the country, I don't, and it's all the same to me.
I have legally documented multiple disabilities. I choose to stay busy with a fandom and a game server. Both are international. I have friends all over the world. I have been visited by well over 150 countries on my blogs since 2004. This has never been a problem before. I wonder why it's a problem now.
Waving hello to the variety of countries visiting me from facebook links this last couple of weeks. Top hits outside the U.S. are from Canada, UK, Germany, France, and Ireland. All y'alls are big on vote stuffs, I hear ya. 'Muricans are being a bit silly over here and the fate of the world is in our hands, omg.
And I'm not making fun, I know all you guys are way closer to the nukes and other missiles currently revving up than we are.
Also, hello California *mwah*, buncha sweethearts over there watching the Missouri experimentation and testing area for what's coming next. For those who don't know what I mean, I casually mentioned years ago that militarized police were seen eating lunch at a Mexican restaurant in Nixa (birth place of Jason Bourne), and that was pre-Ferguson. I kind of disappeared into the mist for awhile, because it got super weird when Langley area hits super revved up on my blogs after Obama got in, but I'm used to it now and we're cool. I'm being a good little 'Murican, watching my TV and talking about my meds and socializing like a good little consumer.
I know people who have worked themselves up silly over this. They feel sick, for realz. I grew up in a family where prophetic doom and gloom were more exciting than birthday and Christmas, so I'm in chomping popcorn mode and grinning like a silly idiot. These click out.
Hang on, it's time to run out the door and go vote so @bonenado can get to work. Back in a few.
votevotevotevotevotevote
Ok, I'm back.
Vote now!
Who would you vote for?
I actually take voting very seriously. I get after @bonenado for skipping some of the bubbles when there's only one candidate on the ballot (like treasurer or something), but I couldn't bring myself to vote for 'Growcock', had to skip that one. I'm sure she's awesome, but I just can't SAY I voted for ...
Why? Because I cannot keep a straight face. I launch right into asthma attacks laughing so hard. I just can't. I refuse to risk dying laughing over something like that.
K, I've got serious minecraft stuff to work on, plus I've already stripped the bedding into the laundry because time for winter sheets to go on the bed, and stuff out to finally make my chocolate cake waffles. I know, right, nothing like finally getting to my birthday plans 2 weeks after my birthday. October was the longest month, just glad it's done and autumn finally arrived here (November casually mutated into awesome like Hey, sup?), and now it's countdown to turkey (Macy's Parade!!!) and Christmas (hiding presents!!!) and I'm in a froody mood.
Popping awake at 3 a.m. the morning of the clock change, like you do...
clicks to official anti-clock changing site
So I finally reverted back to my minecraft realm worlds, which got me out of a few people's hair and off my twitter election depression musing (which got me over 1100 impressions, while other tweets before and after stayed pretty flat, so a handful of people actually read those), and played with new things. Here is what I have learned.
Just because a person knows how to use a fill command doesn't mean they won't waste an inordinate amount of time trying to blow up a field of TNT under ocean water. Intelligence, meet stupidity. However, I did get even more ideas for other things while I was at it.
I made my first portal, set up a base in the nether, and then went about learning about enchanting my armor and weapons. Yes, I actually avoided doing all these things for 9 months. Why? Because aspie ruts are pleasurable. Time to break out and learn to truly conquer.
Digging a depression to plant a bunch of oak trees is definitely worth a little time. I'm spoiled to the moc tree feller power chop, and I don't wanna have to load a mod just to chop trees faster when they grow 3-4 stories tall.
Now I need to learn potions and mining in the nether. I also need to learn how to plan how to build out a real establishment. I'm one of those on the fly people, and while some of my stuff turns out kinda cool, it's still very basic.
One idea I had for new moc once I get land is a pair of giant portal-looking Lady Gaga sunglasses with the weird TV screen stuff in them instead of portal mist. I have loads of ideas, and I'll need a LOT of land. If I disappear off the medias a lot, I'll be tunneling my way to wealth on the upgrade. I'm brushing up on golden shovel grief prevention so I'll know what I'm doing when the time comes.
Meanwhile, I'm ignoring @bonenado's advice on week 9 of #SnarkFF and keeping my lineup the way it is. It's killing him that I won't change my defense out. Since I get more joy out of his angsty fantasy writhings than I do actually winning, yeah. That. Sometimes I get lucky and it backfires into me getting super points on the thing he's angsty about. It could happen.
Ok, slaves, heads up. Very particular posts have been getting hit harder from other countries than from the U.S. of A., and it's not because they're bots. It's not always easy to see, but the patterns help, and then catching an hour here or there of singular hit repetition helps. I'm being passed around in facebook messaging by people who aren't even friended to me, and these people are VERY interested in the election. But you're (meaning Pinky) not even talking about the election, you say. And you are a silly brain trained sheep, I say. If you have been missing what I've been saying on Pinky blog, and particularly a particular image I shared particularly, you are so deep in the blue pill that you'll never be free. You cannot think for yourself, you already do what you're told even when you think you're making your own decisions, and you respond on cue to media triggers without even realizing it. Congratulations, rugged individualist. Your freedom rings. Hollow.
I know. I can plead 'crazy' any time I want, and you guys can blow me off for that.
We accept lies about lies because we don't love the truth, and we're even against the truth because we have been so trained to repel the truth that we can't even see other people fighting and hoping for us outside our country. We hate people who are on our side because we can't even see what side we're really on. We're so deep that, even drowning, we choose to stay in our places and fall for the last big lie- that our vote gives us power. And I say, Not if both sides are on the same side.
There is so much more than choosing a side. (Is Seagal a plant? A stoolie? A handler? My only interest is watching a chess board.) (Who is the real 'bad guy' here? *Is* there a bad guy? And if you found out what you think of as a bad guy is really a good guy, would you freeze in a logic loop?) (For those not watching, Putin purportedly loved Obama for awhile, Seagal has purportedly been against him, but that's super simplistic. The twisted path to this granted citizenship is really fun to follow, if you've been keeping track of these things over a long time.) (Jason Bourne is just a character, we watch too much TV, we let news reporting slide right by us with a little bit of snarking because we are so deep in entertainment.)
And I completely accept that this is where we are and where we've been going for decades. The dire warnings from popular prognosticators are late distractions, after the fact, part of the brain training into doublethink. It's all part of the show. Worry about something we didn't notice already happened. One of them even openly mapped out this whole path, warning to stay off the path while actually leading the sheep on it.
We are already here. The stage is set. The script is ready. At least for us in the U.S. Some parts of the world still resist. They will be summarily dealt with. No one else is our boss. Winning hand takes all. One hand to rule them all, which has already been cleverly planted into your heads.
One day this will all just be part of our entertainment culture and no one will believe it really happened like that.
OH, I finally saw Star Trek Beyond last night. The biggest thing I came away with was how close to original series Star Trek this movie felt. For those of you who never saw original series ST when it first aired, when the Beatles and Rolling Stones were still just pups and scifi on TV was brand new stuff and not the edgy huge screen monster it's grown into, it was actually pretty magical to have to use your own brain to fill in the gaps. Storytelling has evolved into spoon feeding and scientifically timed attention-getting effects, so even though this 3rd new Trek felt toned down from 2nd new Trek, it was still very watchable. There were many fails I could pick on, but the longer I watched, the more I laughed and thought Yes, this is like Original Trek. I thought This is the way I felt the first time I saw Star Trek.
You guys know Star Trek has always been leading edge for newthink, right? *wink* Go rewatch it and see what you think of the nebula, the bubble, and all those little drills eating everything. We've already seen these things happen in Stargate and Lexx. This image isn't new.
Dr. Stephen Strange: What will I be called upon to do? Thomas Lindmer: Become more than a man. And renounce such Earthly pleasures as are given to men who are only mortal: the pleasure of ignorance, or offspring, or an easy death. Dr. Stephen Strange: Will I be asked to give up even love? Thomas Lindmer: The universe is love. That you shall have.
In the meantime, autumn is kinda meh here. This is as far as we've gotten.
That's right, last time I showed you this street there was 6-8 foot tall wild grass lining it on both sides. Looks so tame now.
This is a fan made supercut extended trailer. Niiiice.
There are a handful of 'Muricans I try to ignore who never discuss life through story telling outside of something biblical. They are entrenched in a decades old mindset and really do believe the world still runs the way they've been clicheing it all their lives in their heads. Some of them actually think fiction story telling is evil and warps the mind to the point of paving the wide road to hell and being lost forever, or, having not seen all the stuff on TV, fail to realize their apocalypse theories are based on what others really believe they see coming out of script writing and acting. To be fair, these are smart people, even brilliant, just fantastically repressed into end world, end times, truther, anti-science, or science weirdly proving something politically horribly wrong with religion(s), and since I grew up like this around people like this and every day of my childhood and parts of my adulthood were like this- I'm tired.
What is or is not truth boils down to who we are and whether we are being real and honest. Until we can stop living double lives as individuals, hiding secrets and masking our own truths, none of the rest matters. Standing up for and defending bastardized politics and religions based on centuries long crafted belief systems essentially brainwashing people while we ourselves never share our own truths is what is at stake here. Pointing at someone else while covering up our own stuff is the shallowest part of humanity, and why most of humanity will always voluntarily be slaves.
I am so, so tired of people being stupid. We are so much more powerful than fear. Fear-driven belief systems have been happening since the dawn of civilization. The gods fight over us, divide us, punish us, and if not them, then we do this to each other in the name of the gods.
Ok, did you catch that? WE DO THIS TO EACH OTHER IN THE NAME OF THE GODS.
I've said in other places that humans have elevated monkeys flinging poop at each other to an art form. I've been saying since I was small that I never wanted to be a human, that I'd rather have been a dog or a horse.
But you know what? There are also some really brilliant people on this planet who use story-telling wisely. They accomplish far more on a world scale in real time than any religion on this planet. If anyone wants to believe I'm going to hell for appreciating this skill and the way it networks people all over the world into a family of fans that care about each other across national boundaries and beliefs, then fine, believe what you want.
I'm done with intellectual jousting from the dark ages, and I'm especially done sharing my thoughts on it because it gets people too excited and then the misunderstandings run rampant into even wilder prognosticating. Trying to explain this to the people who need to hear it is a waste of time, apparently. So, it goes here, where it won't be seen, because who I actually am on this planet isn't nearly so important as the lengthy deep secret discussions over what amounts to fear-driven madness, which does absolutely nothing to help anyone heal or feel loved. I have better things to do with my intellect than spend it in secret caves getting excited about things we can't do anything about.
I did the #fav7films hashtag last night and just realized this morning that Throw Momma from the Train should have been on that list. After a very long Bunny day yesterday, I'm brain crashing hard and have a knee going all strike on me, and my only hope, besides getting the laundry caught up and some real food cooked, is to settle and watch a show, because multiplayer isn't loading for me today. Since I've been watching Soap, all things Billy Crystal keep popping up in my mind, and today, as I reflect on how I'd like to start off a story on a private blog I've set up until I'm ready to share to print, "The night was..." keeps elbowing past all the rest and hogging the front row of my thoughts, so what else can I do but dig out the old VHS and watch that movie again.
I love playing around with writing prompts, and I've been doing "The night was..." for years on private blogs. I never run out of stuff to put with it. These popped into mind today.
The night was a complete waste of time...
The night was rowdy, the streets were nuts, but the people were happy for once...
I could almost make a book of story starters. I can do opening paragraphs and even opening chapters almost in an eyeblink sometimes. It's the finishing that doesn't happen.
Ok, this is why I'm on break today. The high activity level was nonstop for 6+ hours and I've got the group text timestamps to prove it.
Her mama had asked me stuff about if the fever was down.
The puppy show is the original 101 Dalmations, which everyone knows will soon break me.
And this next one doesn't pop out for you guys, but you can see the toe prints in my last post.
Felt like I nearly lost an eyelid here...
My dad used to have me sit and 'do coins' with him between 8-14 years old, and then later again in my 20s. It was my job to sort the dates and mintmarks, and then to sort them into conditions. Several years ago I tried to talk him out of selling some dimes and pennies to someone passing through, and sure enough, he got scalped, but in the past, he actually saved a 200 acre farm one year with an enviable silver dollar collection. Too bad that didn't ultimately save it when the cattle market abruptly plunged another year, and my dad had already prearranged to ship cattle to market the day after that happened. Lost everything. Like Owen's coin collection in Throw Momma from the Train, I have loads of memories of coins and my dad.
The blisters on her pinky toes from the hand-foot-mouth were hurting.
It didn't last, but I was getting too worn out to keep taking pictures. Bunny wasn't the only one glad to see Papa pull in the driveway, lol.
Now it is Wednesday the 17th.
I laid down a lot through the day Tuesday, but my head gradually came back on and I wound up on Mo' Creatures, of course. Accidentally ran into someone's lost pet during a mining/tunneling expedition, and I couldn't believe how deep in the dark it had gotten. I run into lost and abandoned pets all the time and just ignore them, because they are AI blocks that 'never die' unless an aggressive mob or another player kills them, and killing someone else's pet is instant banishment forever, even if the owner stopped playing and never came back. An owner can usually simply tp a pet to them using its pet ID, but if there is no one to teleport it out, then that's just bad luck. As far as I know this only applies to named MoC pets and not just regular tamed minecraft pets that can't be named.
This video is long and very dull, but as I was watching it again today before deleting, it hit me what a good search and rescue training method minecraft could be, complete with problem solving tasks. It took forever to coax that AI into a direction by repeatedly blocking it off, but once I got it to my ladder and saw it trying to climb, I realized I could step it up gradually block by block, and it worked. I'm saying that because that part isn't on the video. If you watch the vid and wonder why I'm so slow, I had someone on speaker on my phone while I played, so I look like a noob. But seriously, level 15, up at least 50 levels, took about 45 minutes, and then I just flopped back off the laptop for awhile.
This morning was very different. I had been making tunnels and getting distracted running into previously mined tunnels until I was quite lost and had to use the F3 coordinates to find my way back, and I had finally just popped back out into the open. I like this vid because so many accidental things happened, including getting to see a giant golem build itself and then pop back apart. The golem was close enough to my marker that I had to check and see if it got messed up, and then thought Hey, I can show you guys what I did. And from there it's running around dying and stuff. 4 min is another much smaller abandoned castle that looks like the same guy's handiwork from the castle I'm currently occupying until we can claim one of the houses in the courtyard. I like lighting up abandoned buildings. 6:04- No idea how he made those flags and I'd love to see how he did that. 6:34- That picturesque small castle is actually claimed, so I have to be careful not to mess anything up there. 6:47- I'd only flown over this place previously, so I'm trying to get my bearings, not sure which direction 'my' castle is. 10:30- A creeper blew me up, but on Mo Creatures, the damage repairs itself, keep watching. 10:50- I knew I had to get my stuff out of that hole FAST because I got glitch-trapped in a hole once while it was repairing. (I just noticed during playback that "Microsoft Game DVR" keeps flashing at the top, I think it's because I have an XBox account. I'm not sure if people get to see my videos live as I'm playing or not, I haven't checked, but if I wanted to, I'm all set up for it because Windows 10 is letting me do beta XBox minecraft, except I always use the launcher. I'm still trying to figure out how this all works.) 12:58- Using glitchy loading to locate mineshafts and ores and stuff is illegal, and I don't use video for that. X-ray of any kind is banned from Mo Creatures. You can tell when I see a glitch I kind of turn or stop or slow down till the game loads more. This is why I don't get more flying vids on slow load days. 13:29- I finally spy my humongous unclaimed castle in the distance. 13:40- Switching to silver sword to kill a werewolf. Forgetting I did that will be my doom in a minute. 15:40- I've been lighting this place up for days and I'm still running into whole sections without any lights. I have so much respect for the dedicated obsession that went into this project.
Now this is Thursday the 18th.
I assessed back into physical therapy yesterday, and pretty much started off with a hardcore definition of where I'm at legally on the 'chronic' scale now. Most chronics are labeled after 3 months of unremitting pain, and there is another level of chronic with remission that flares up and remits throughout life (so a person can regain and feel better and live normally and then suddenly slide). And then there are people like me, intractable chronic without relief just doing everything we can to stay functional. (Studies are coming out about intractable pain alone taking 8-10 years off simply because quality of life is so disrupted, so surviving pain is a big deal, regardless of cause.) We discussed psychoneuroimmunology and positive imaging, which my psychologist introduced me to years ago, whether any of my doctors have ever talked about me recovering health or living a better life (big ~no~ on that one, although this last doctor has pushed pretty hard for lifestyle changes that are working but only in the sense of regaining self care and some functionality), and the fact that my disability panel established that this is a permanent situation. It's not easy to get disability for vague pain issues, so I periodically go through written documentation during assessment spelling out where I'm at now and what the goals are. Decades of tests and monitoring have never produced a conclusive cause for how severe this has been, but I think we're all finally (insert accidental mouse bump and part of this disappearing and me escaping the page super fast and blogger still having that saved before I could stop it... really ready for blogger to catch up with the rest of the blogging world retaining previous draft copies that a person can go back to).
The short version- *OW*
K, we're all finally agreeing this is a lifelong nervous system disorder, and medicare requires 'proof' that what we're doing in physical therapy isn't just me frittering away govt dollars, because I've never gotten a hard label beyond 'fibromyalgia' even though doctors have looked extensively for MS, AS, RA, and confirmed positive for Lyme and antibodies to several other viruses and bacteria that affect nervous system long term.
SO. Got started yesterday with about 10 minutes of deep tissue, and I could tell the gabapentin has really changed the way I feel all this pain now. Went straight to the area where the pain shocks had been going off every 30 seconds before I started the med (6th week into it now, I think), and whereas I had been able to take some pretty rough stuff in the past, I actually couldn't help cringing like a big wimp. It took everything I had not to wince during certain spots around left shoulder, but it was quick and I thought no big deal, right? 4 years of stuff, I can do this. (Very few people last 4 years in physical therapy.)
Apparently the game is changing on gabapentin. I used to wobble out high as a kite because pain bursts dump mega brain chemicals and I get buzzed on pain. Not yesterday. I was almost incapable of driving and had to pull into a Walgreens (and get back into the car to repark because I straddled the yellow line) and walk around trying not to think about throwing up (that's a big ol' pain level 10, people), and my head finally cleared enough to get back on a plan and drive again. Got some food shopping done at Sam's, then came straight home. Got the car unloaded and pretty much spent the rest of the day incoherent. When Scott got home from work I was barely able to speak, stumbling words around like crazy, and then just burst into tears. When pain is so bad that I go full aspienado shutdown even in my own home, it's bad.
Pain. Is. Exhausting. This is going to be a long month. But I can do this, because I want to be able to keep using my arms and driving my car and taking care of Bunny and writing stories. I haven't come this far to quit. The pain is going to be there anyway, and it's never not going to be in my way, so if I want to do stuff, I gotta want to do stuff bad enough to do it.
While I'm at this point, I want to sincerely thank Lexx fans for the nearly 29,000 hits on my migrated fan blog over the last 2 years, which isn't bad for a 20 year old cult show that rarely shows up any more. I know I super suck for not getting more done, but I really do have several posts in queue that need finishing, and I intend to do it.
I'd also like to say THANK YOU to Pinky blog followers for spiking views here up roughly 70% over the year before. This whole aspienado going public experiment has been uber challenging in so many ways, but I think the coolest part was this becoming so much more than I expected, especially from myself. My own emotional growth has been surprising to a lot of people, not least my psychologist. Pinky blog on blogger will be 2 years old in 5 days. I wish I could do something fun to celebrate, but you guys know that anything interactive would backfire horribly with screams and flames, so let's just not go there. I really don't want that to be a thing again this year.
Back to real life. Batman starts pre-pre-K next week. The #autie is strong in our family, and I'm loving the social intro and integration programs in place that neither I nor his mama had as children. I think technology is a fantastic part of integration, and I'm so glad it's available now.
Mirkwood. I was driving by a neighbor's place and caught this on the way out to town. I zoomed so size context is difficult, but the top of the round part of the web is about 5 feet off the ground, and there were several of these along the street showing up really well in the fog over short lawns. Imagine walking through the woods. Most of them are nearly invisible till you're practically plunging through them, and smart people look like idiots holding long sticks up in front of their faces. You don't even see the spiders till the webs ping and suddenly they're either scuttling out of the way or ON YOU, some of them nearly as big as my hand. I feel like I live over a mineshaft with a spider spawner, and there's no way to torch it off.
The politixical rants are ramping up, if that's even possible after the venom and vitriol we've already seen over the last 6 months.
My thoughts on Hilary- Gosh darn it, what about spent lifetime focused on becoming world leader at any price do you guys not understand? Think #bucketlist.
My thoughts on Trump- I cannot believe y'all fell for any of that bazillionaire reality show puppetry, the whole point was ratings and keeping you guys distracted. Think #suckers.
My thoughts about 'Murica- It's almost over, but we're all going to be fine, just keep up the bipolar booze ranting and that bandaid will be all ripped off before you even know it.
My thoughts about how this affects me personally- You saw what happened to Vulcan. Raise your hand if you really believe an actual Romulan did that with the actual help of an actual interplanetary diplomat who was stupid enough to create an actual vat of 'red matter' big enough to turn the entire galaxy into a super duper black hole. Thank goodness the droplets were so dispersed first before it all blew. Bad writing will save us. I firmly believe this.
My thoughts on people who keep dragging the rest of us down with bitterness, anger, fretting, mocking, judging, belaboring, obsessing, belittling, blaming, and general lameness (whether or not it is politically related, because this could partly be subtext for someone's whining about relationships this week really pissing me off)- Sorry, can't see you any more through this thick fuzz of mute.
