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-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Friday, August 21, 2015

egocentric narcissist

This post is probably a carry over from self consumed egomaniac, and as I'm setting up testing Klout scheduling again on confidence for #archiveday tomorrow, out of the blue I started noticing none of these things have the same tags to follow a thought. Major doi time. I got a kick out of running into this because I wasn't tagged.

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It's weird to explain or describe this to people who don't experience it, but I'm actually in the middle of one of my destroy all the things and hide phase, and out of sheer stubborn masochism I'm shoving my face in the monitor and making myself type stuff. My mind keeps wandering off. Found another cool wallpaper site. Click these to go.

 

Anyway, the dichotomy of depression and narcissism is a kind of hilarious existential horror, one which I no longer blunt with alcohol, as I'm musing after scheduling another #archiveday post with Klout, hugging is weird and that's really too bad when people need it the most. I was a really fun alcoholic. Everybody loved me. And I was devious. And wound up in really bad places. With bad people. Who do bad things. But I digress.

super cool site, go see it
I think the point I'm wandering toward is that depression and narcissism are opposite ends of the same thing- lies. Both tell lies in the existential mirror. Both are like funhouse mirrors in the mind.


When I can't believe in myself, I can BELIEVE IN MYSELF. I have an edge. I can be so utterly blind to feeling stupid that I wind up charging up the hill and leading miscreants on my crazy quests. This goes way back to my aspienado childhood and is probably how I survived excessive abuses fairly intact and, oddly, emotionally healthy. I was able to balance the depression with the narcissism. The more I pull together for print, the more I realize how thin the line I walked really was. I crossed a chasm on a high wire without a safety net. I made it to the other side.

I'm looking back now and wondering if I can help other people do the same thing. This blog is me practicing.

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