-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Monday, August 3, 2015

Kill Them All

We had a good old fashioned OCD weekend over here like we haven't had in a few years. We used to do it regularly, especially the first 5 years we were married, because sometimes there was no other way to be in the house together, so we cleaned. Over time we've become a great team, and super deep cleaning has become a dance- stepping together, then twirling out of each others' ways, sashaying back into rhythm, a graceful dip of idea exchange and mind sync, then all out tango with equipment, cleaning rags, and restructuring all the things.

4 Things No One Tells You About Having OCD <- plz to click You guys have seen me mention wondering if @bonenado thinks about ways to kill me. Plus the zombie plan. It's real, guys. And most of you know by now I'm not worried because this and this, right?

There's one particular OCD tic I've had for many years you guys aren't going to believe, the roots of which are wonderfully gaggy and gross, so it's tight wraps book-only.

Speaking of book, since I was asked again privately-

And for the curious, part of a raw paragraph.

"I had walked up to the edge of one of the little cliffs during our wandering to see if I could spot my dad, and without warning was on a much higher cliff facing a different direction toward a sunset with the very determined idea that if I believed hard enough, I would fly away and never feel it, and then I felt the whoosh, and then breaking all over really hard. As soon as that happened I gasped back and was still standing at the edge of the little cliff listening to my dad and siblings chatter as they moved around below."

Back to cleaning. Since we were super cleaning, I took the vacuum to lappy and couldn't believe all the hair that came out from underneath the keyboard, yuck. Who'd a thunk? Anyway, it's been two years since a maintenance cleaning, so the dust was pretty solid in there, so hopefully that helps the overheating problem.

After that I went down the dark alleys of youtube.

I'd had a slow deep realization during another writing spell that I'm a coward. I've known for a long time I suck because my demands and standards are impossible, and I close the door when people try with me, and some of them really do try.

One person got through where no one else did. It seems like a lifetime ago. That person is the sole reason I'm still out here trying. I've never said thank you. I've never said I'm sorry. I've never tried building a new bridge.

Not one single day has gone by that I haven't thought of this person since I woke up. I've been lost and confused and wandering around finding pieces of myself ever since, wondering how in the world I missed so much, how I never thought to share the most important parts of me when I had the chance.

Once again, it takes a fandom to get an emotion on one side of my brain to meet in the middle with a thought on the other side. I can't even imagine where I'd be in real life right now without the long, dark, and very patient night of the soul on youtube.

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