Header snip originally from giphy, added onto to by other enthusiastic fans, and then I took it through memedad.
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-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Saturday, August 29, 2015

embracing the thug life

Got a call yesterday that my psychologist is back and would I like to set up an appointment with him now that he's taking patients again?

He's back. I didn't even know he was gone. Well, I was aware he took a leave of some kind for something I can only guess might've been serious in his family maybe, but I was already 'turned loose' and didn't worry about it. We've all got stuff, right? Last thing a psychologist needs is another stalker.

Tell me he doesn't look like Tom Vize.
Keep my prosopagnosia in mind, but it kinda
tickles me because I am a big
Kathy Griffin fan from way back
So I'm all what the heck, YEAH, let's do this, so we wrangled over appt times, which is crazy funny now that I'm all booked up with physical therapy and nerve conduction test and on top of chiro and dang, the jetsetter life is back on again. I mean, I saw the guy way more than I saw my own dad and siblings over what, 6 years? He watched me go through my mom dying, and aside from Scott, I actually don't have a better friend, if it's even possible to call the guy that, so yeah, I wanna go see his face and shake his hand and maybe not actually give him a hug but maybe GIVE HIM A HUG. I still don't know if that kind of stuff is inappropriate, but I know it's gotta be way less creepy than giving him an eyeball hug via furtive glances. #aspienado Anyway, I could've gotten in his first day back, but it would've been late in the day against rush hour traffic and me with my brain skulking down around my ankles because I'm a morning person, so it'll be a couple of weeks.

I need some evil villain swag, including a sweet brain case to hold it all together.
Pic clicks to hilarious movie review.
I originally went in, seriously, for realz, for communication help because I was bombing so badly with a friend after flailing through a public fandom. The aspienado thing is one of the consequences of deeper investigation into how and why I continually blow up bridges. How ironic is it going to be that going back in I'll be saying, Oh, yeah, got a weird little country by Malaysia all freaked out over a love slave post...


Actually up to 609 now since yesterday.
When I first showed him Lexx he called me the fandom pimp. The guy seemed to have no clue what photoshopping, manips, and fanfics are, which really aren't my area of expertise, but he pegged me in one session about my obsession with a TV show. He didn't say this all at once that day, more like spread out over time, that I'm clearly a narcissistic exhibitionist with baditude, but I maintain that keeps me from curling up in the dark with my self destructive full blown anxiety and depression. Oh, and I've come out this last year about my alcoholism and my orientation, definitely about the depression, plus pix of my health struggles, so while he and I were on vaca from each other, I feel I've made some pretty big steps forward owning my stuff. Considering I started out on the webs as an alien and made a game out of seeing how many tens of thousands of people I could block on facebook (you can't block Mark, I tried every which way), I'm calling this progress. For someone coming from a solid conservative Christian background, I'm pretty badass. (You see what I did there, right? Just came out on religion and politics, BUT you guys already knew about the Mennonite background, so that's no big reveal, really.) I'm still a cynic. That'll probably never change.

Who doesn't love Burt Gummer
The actual challenge, for me, is saying all this stuff out loud. Making real words with my mouth and syncing them into real time thoughts in a back and forth convo flow with another real person. One of the biggest things I learned about myself in his office was that I'm easily led. I treat all convos the same way I do my surveys at Surveypalooza. I free associate right off the page so fast that whatever reasons I'm really there talking for evaporate like soda pop on an Arizona sidewalk.

Definitely click this
Another big thing I learned is that it didn't matter how #dismalfail a session felt, I got tons of thinking done at home in between sessions, and always made progress because of it. Yes, it was grindingly slow sometimes. Yes, I wanted to give up over and over and over. Yes, I facepalmed my way through most of it. BUT. You see me on the webs now. You see me thriving. You see me handling my stuff and rolling with every awkward punch life throws at me. It was hard, but so was being raised by my mom, so the least I can do is go back in and tell this guy THANK YOU. Thank you for tolerating my cynical jackassy self for so long, because so many people haven't.

Me and psyche guy irl.

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