I used to love being alone. Many days I have craved alone time when I'm with other people. I didn't tell anyone for a long time, though, that sometimes I have days where I'm afraid to be alone. With myself. With Myself.
When I was still a young kid, I felt Me. It felt weird to feel Me. Sometimes on those days I would be very aware that I was a walking skeleton, or would sometimes feel like a doll I was moving around. I know nowadays that is called dissociation. To some degree it's very normal to click into an objective perspective and 'see' things from a different point of view. To do it constantly and feel stuck that way, like you can't get back 'in', isn't normal. I did that a lot as a kid.
When I dissociate on a bad day because extreme fatigue or pain spike or sometimes other things causing brain chemical changes (I'm hyper reactive to meds, for example), I lose being able to control how I present. I do and say things that seem confusing. For about an hour yesterday I felt like a box full of fireworks that started going off all at once, and I was experiencing all the emotions almost simultaneously or back to back without any coherent thread of why. There was no logical cause. I couldn't tell what was happening until I started writing, and pretty quickly, I think in about 10-15 minutes, I realized I had spiked into the nether regions of depression. My psychiatrist would like a harder diagnosis that I suspect would result in manic depression and possibly more, but since my psychologist monitors me and I don't seem to consistently go into the more hardcore 'manic' list of symptoms, the debate is left hanging without further testing. Yesterday, though, I definitely dissociated and once I realized it was happening, I was able to pull myself into focusing moment to moment. I did ok, made it through the rest of the day without incident, handled everything ok, made it to bedtime without any problems, at least on the outside.
I've mentioned my mom forcing me to learn to self monitor as a child through sometimes severe corporal punishment, which is now proven to be psychologically scarring and emotionally stunting. Because of that experience, though, I am much more objectively aware of myself than some people. (Not to be confused with the self UNaware state of autism spectrum, which is a social deficit/interaction problem.) I've met people who don't have a clue how to even see another point of view objectively at all, but mostly the people who can seem to be afraid of it. I ventured into objectivity at a young age and played with taboo in my head for many years, mostly as thought experiments that included every conceivable debate about God(s), right vs wrong, reality and realism, and much more. I can emotionally derail and catch myself fairly quickly with diversion, basically cutting the emotion part off. The part in between the derailing and the catching is spooky. People say I'm scary, and it's not because I'm violent so much as unpredictable, I think. I'd say the same thing about my dad because I got to see more of him growing up than my sibs, and I know his cognitive rigidity is his way of not derailing.
Personally, I know I can rely on myself to never cross certain lines, but dissociating is one of those things where you can't always see where the lines are. It's important to reach out and start dealing with real as soon as it starts happening. It's important to be honest and let people know I'm dealing. Trying to hide it never turns out well in the long run. For some people, it's a very short run because they commit suicide or start killing people, and I can tell you from the inside of that state of mind that there is no logic, no red flags, nothing stopping a dissociated person from living out a nightmare and never realizing what they're doing.
People don't like talking about this stuff. It's pretty common, because it's a reflexive survival tool the brain uses to get through something difficult, and some of us do it all the time without even realizing it. Some people cover it up with med, drug, or alcohol use, some people simply have a line of 'reasons' ready, some people just pretend it never happens, like don't talk about it and don't rock boats kind of thing, and then bringing it up is super awkward and makes things worse.
I am #aspienado and I don't want things to get worse. I am using #transparency and #honesty to talk about my stuff, and I keep using public social medias and a game server to keep my balance because it's hard for me to talk on phones and I don't have real life friends or family close by while @bonenado is at work.
I talk about being broken, and I say that we're all broken to some extent in some way or another, and I think 'kindness is logical' is a good belief to hang onto when all else fails me. I can stop immediately and ask myself- What am I doing right now? What do I want? How do I get what I want? Is what I'm doing to get what I want breaking anybody?
Breaking each other is a way of life in many religious and political systems. It's very effective. The better option, though, in my opinion, is kindess. It lasts longer. No matter how I am feeling in any moment, even when everything is black and stupid, I believe Kindness Is Logical.
Aaaaand someone beat me to that hashtag by just under 2 months, lol. That person is promoting 'love is hate' and sexism. Let's see if I can change that. I'm really tired of doublespeak.
#KindnessIsLogical
When you upgrade photobucket, don't forget to turn your old recurring payment off. Had to hunt down a help access over the auto reset back to the old plan after I'd just upgraded. It was all fixed within 24 hours, though, very efficient.
Sitting way too much already this month. Lots of appointments, ergo lots of driving and waiting rooms. Also sitting through arm therapy. Fixed up a standing work station for old lappy, Jawn will very soon be moving, as well, and I'll be getting all over lower core this month to once again stop the numbness and tingling down my legs that will undoubtedly evolve into nasty pain spikes and the heating pad if I don't get on this. Waiting rooms would be more awesome if they'd replace televisions and a few of the chairs with gizmos we could do workouts on while we wait. Or a dance area. With a disco ball and everything.
Yesterday's dx was 
Okay, looks like today's gonna be a pissy day. Let's get back on track. Power point. Not wordy words. Especially with my hands hurting like this. Did I mention my hands hurting yet? No? Good, this can be another power point, then.
@bonenado dragged me through a Rathbone version of Sherlock Holmes last night. I can't even. I need drastic measures after that one. Hang on. Ok, here, because the most boring scene in 
Yes, that's working brilliantly, already less inclined to violence. Plus I have coffee in me now. Here, have another one, on the house.
Ok, where were we? Ah, yes, power point. Totally went there with psyche guy yesterday. The whole transition thing, the rescue measures involving several friends pulling me away from twitter, because I'm still public huzzah and not disappearing yay and being properly defused by genuine people who get me thank god. Because that's really what it takes. Aspienado can't do this alone, I do need a team to help me, and I especially appreciate one vital sleeve tugger and new direction push who likes remaining anonymous. Kai says she sounds like a wonderful friend. Yes, she is. I owe her so much for initiating the move I had to make for this transition to happen. Anyway, I've got psyche guy scheduled every 2 weeks now this spring, and I promised him we'll finally get into my sex life. I've only been seeing him for 8 years now, lol. I'm sure the Lexx fandom is as curious as he is what in the world actually goes on in my head sometimes regarding sexuality, because so much is mizundastood about '
Experienced my first lava death in a mine yesterday. I'm also no longer a redstone and diamond blocks virgin. One of my crew loves going into the netherworld to bring back awesome stuff to use and sell, took this screencap. I grabbed it to use in my rotating wallpapers. One of these days I'll go in there and ride a fire horse, too, but for now I'm just spying on neighboring towns and beachcombing and scouting out the tundra and stuff. This clicks out to full size if you need a cool wallpaper to dazzle your coworkers, or at least fake them out.
I can tell other people have been coming through our territory, so we used our town status to claim the beach house as an outpost in case anyone starts ripping off our stuff. In the meantime, I'm all over reconnaissance, because as quickly as some of this stuff is going up, our part of the world will soon be all city, and next thing you know, our beach house will be like Jersey Shore or something. All these are spy pix, and they're from two different building groups.
Time to wrap my brain around getting out my door again in a couple of hours. Ug. Wonder if I could throw a dart at youtube suggestions for inspiration. And here we go. Youtube never fails me.
