Do we own our own brains?

I guess March started off pretty good. I wasn't fast enough to catch whether it was a bot spam thing or a linkback, and no idea where it happened. I'm slacking off quite a bit this year on the stat stuff, but it's still nice to catch it once in awhile.

This despite sliding down a slippery depression slope, right. It cheered me up a bit. I could see myself actually repelling people for about a week there.

One of the interesting turns being taken in stats is the more dismal I become in general, the more I'm getting hit worldwide by people who start digging through the tags. I'm seeing a number of one-off trails, like an IP here and there making single hits through a variety of pages all bearing the same tag. Real readers.

We are important to each other. We are the real life other people can see happening behind the 'news' being broadcast and scripted across the webs. We are the ones living our days, the ones problem solving our ways through the scary messes we see in the news all around us. We need to be there for each other behind all that. Just keep living and talking and finding things to love and enjoy. No matter how dark it gets around me, there will always be something I will notice that I can think about, distract myself from fear and anxiety.

One thing I notice and talk about sometimes is now synchronized most of us are on social medias. We go through the same mood swings almost all at the same time, and if you look back through timestamps, you can see this really is a pattern. I know a lot of it is weather related, some of it is time of year related (the February slump after holidays and before the last school term surge is brutal), and definitely 'news' related if you watch too much chain yanking on broadcasts or in feeds.

I couldn't help noticing there was a single day a few days ago that several people I know plummeted into the depths and said very nearly identical phrases relating to depression and anxiety. Since I get around so much social media (super lurker) and hang out in real time on a game server with players from around the world, I am able to see all the little pings going off at the same time. I wish I had thought to screenshot through that entire day, it would have made for a very interesting study.

There is some controversy over 5G coming, and whether that will allow 'mind control'. Even when your tech is turned off, it still monitors and relays info. Your GPS signal, if there is location software in your tech, is always ON, unless you pull the battery out. Most tech nowadays have internal batteries to keep atomic time sync, but what else? Microwaves will blink like clocks when power goes out, but our phones and televisions and game consoles don't do that. When we pick them back up, they are already synced and ready to go.

And as I type this, my cursor is moving around of its own free will, which is very interesting considering I have remote share turned off. Hang on a sec.

Ok. You guys have no idea how often I reboot on any given day. And my phone, too. I started noticing around 2009 that I got particular attention from Langley in my stats if I used certain keywords, because only political opinion posts got those hits. I've toyed with visibility and search engines and stats for years and I see some interesting things. You'd think Oh, I'm just a little blogger, who would even care, right. Well, someone cares. It's gotten uber ridiculous with Pinky blog, and I had to train myself to just ignore it, although I have some outstanding screenshots of geolocations that would probably drop a few jaws. I'm not bragging at all saying that, and I think it would be unwise of me to share those screenshots on a public blog. All I can say is, some of those locations are top notch conspiracy level areas, and I can nail it down to where on the street or under a tree a few of these are because someone didn't have a clue how to use a proxy. At all. Like it was a brand new device straight out of a package and full location disclosure was pure green light. I don't know if that's on purpose or not, but yeah, I got the hint. One post in particular, yes. It unnerved me so badly I made that post private for awhile, and I just got hammered after that.

You know what? I don't care. If anything mysterious ever happens to me, that only proves I was right. That is all. If nothing happens, then nothing happens. I'm probably on a list, but I'm pretty sure a lot of us are.

Anyway, back to where I was going with this. There's been some concern about 5G.

• 5G networks will use the same frequencies as pain-inflicting crowd control weapons

And that's one of the nice articles. Here's one of the nastier ones.

• 5G Technology: A Health Crisis Waiting To Happen

Ok, stick with me for a second remembering a few things. On Ghost Hunters one of the first things they would do trying to debunk a haunting would be to check electrical fields with an EMF meter, right, because everyone knows an electrical field over a certain power level can mess with human emotional and physical states, causing anxiety and nausea and even worse. Imagine focusing an EM field very specifically. If you are carrying around tech that continually monitors your location and even measures and transmits your movements (Fitbit, lol), how easy would it be to use that field to affect your personal state of being? Some are concerned about suggestive programming, like this.

• Rewriting Life- How Network Neuroscience Is Creating a New Era of Mind Control
• 
  
• Mind Control with Electromagnetic Frequency
• 
  
• Mind control: New light technology can manipulate memories, emotions and thoughts
• 
  
• How a handful of tech companies control billions of minds every day

Lol, scared yet? I'm not trying to scare you, but if you aren't aware this is very real and has been going on awhile, you need to wake up a little.

Back to here and now. I'm watching anxiety and depression levels spike up and down across medias almost in a rhythm for awhile, and this latest one a few days ago was unreal because I noticed so many people said nearly identical phrases within 2-3 hours of each other across several medias in a variety of areas, and almost to the hour expressed later that they felt better. I noticed I went through the same sensations, as well, the palpable tension for awhile and then the relief later being a bit more noticeable than my usual mood swings. I don't want to immediately jump on the idea that seemed like an experimental test run of something, but I will say that was just weird.

If you are having a bad day and don't know what to do about it, it's always a good idea to touch base with someone to keep some balance. I myself heavily use tech to keep distant people around me through the day. However, I also think it might be a good idea to take short tech breaks. Do restarts and reboots. Walk away and go do a few chores here and there. Get a little distance and see if you feel better. Take some cleansing breaths while you stretch a little bit, tidy up a room, think about arranging the next meal, take care of a kid or a pet, stuff like that, and refresh your physical vitality. Hydrate while you're at it.

If you notice anxiety and/or depression cycles hit while you are holding or right next to tech, immediately put it down and move away from it. I'm not saying be afraid of it, I'm just saying control your moment. I always use tech every day, it's part of my life and probably always will be. I've been making jokes about being in line for the brain chip for years. However, unless you have something like a parent on hospice or some other reason to keep a phone on, turn it off while you sleep. Log off your computer at least once a day, especially if you're away from the house or sleeping. Just turn it off.

Your body has a natural electrical biorhythm that needs its own default cycle to be healthy. Every day we interrupt our biorhythms with electrical fields. We get used to low grade function and not moving around a whole lot, but over time our bodies and minds degrade. We are aging faster. We live in physical bodies on this world, and they are made to keep moving around.

Brains have their own natural EM fields.

• Electromagnetic theories of consciousness
• 
  
• Human electricity and the human electro magnetic field

Keeping your brain immersed in a disruptive EM field can make you feel things you normally wouldn't be feeling otherwise.

• 10 Things an Electromagnetic Field Can Do to Your Brain
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• Magnetism and the Brain- "Magnetism Can Alter Our Ethical Position"
• 
  
• Could certain frequencies of electromagnetic waves or radiation interfere with brain function?

I think the scariest part of all of this is the idea that tech giants worth billions can influence how we use our brains en masse, and possibly even directly impact our activities. When I see so many people I care about across such a wide amount of distance hovering over their tech saying nearly identical phrases at nearly the same time, what am I supposed to think?

coming due

All Jon had to do was 'like' that tweet and my impressions just kept churning up little by little over the day and night. People wanna see what Jon likes.

His timeline isn't for the faint-hearted. He mocks. Without constraint.

I'm not in any kind of brain shape to blog more yet. Well, I am, I could, but that would take more commitment than I want to handle right now. This is a big Bunny week while school is out, and we're rockin it. Already have the Christmas tree down and the huge dollhouse moved upstairs and getting all over the after-partay laundries and fridge dredging and kitchen reorganizing. I basically stomp Christmas back down to the depths it reared up from and get ready to hang on for that crazy new-year-taxes-and-everything-coming-due-ride in a couple of weeks. Stuff like car tags, insurance stuffs, new payments starting kind of thing.

Pretty sure most of everyone I know is missing this.
Merry Christmas: The 13 “Illuminati” bloodline families sue for peace

Where's my distraction?

sheep toast

I may have left out a preposition somewhere.

And, as always, what goes on Pinky blog, stays on Pinky blog. Here, have a weird video trail from the last few days. If you trigger easily bcuz you're a sleeper cell, maybe close this now so you don't go postal, ok? I know, not a cool joke, but you know I know you know I know that's real and how it all works.

We start off with a flashback to another similar incident a couple years ago and no one freaking out on the medias even remembered it.


In case you are going wut similar incident, then you must've missed this biggie just before Christmas.
SpaceX's Jaw-Dropping Rocket Launch Wows Spectators Across Southern California

I love this Christmas song Lisa Marie Bowman shared.


Someone tried flirting with me on twitter, so naturally they got this and a shhhh, I don't DM.


Some of you saw this go onto facebook and twitter. Dangeresque is awesome, and now he's 3D!


This song weirdly popped into my head out of the blue on Christmas Day. I first heard a friend play it years ago during a road trip to check out a college.



And then it went all cryptic. Make of it what you will.


After that it was like going down a triggered rabbit hole. Btw, this is why there will never be gun control in the U.S.


And I didn't want to keep going down that hole, so I veered sharply back out and into another one. I dunno, coulda been the same one. Hard to tell when everything goes Alice.


Merry Christmas.


This got shared around facebook. My comment on Jason Hawes' share was it sounded like a cow in birthing agony. Like, in case some of you were thinking I actually laid in my bed just hanging out in youtube the entire time, no, my life is rife with constant interruption.


But the second I got another brief respite, there I went again.


After that I diverted to my Space Cowboy list for a bit. Again, make if it what you will.





I grew up Germanesque. You know, that experimental breeding program no one still knows about. Lotta Mennonites breaking away from their parents into the world now, as I've demo'd in past blog posts. *cough*MattGroeningJohnDenver*cough* Robot Santa in Futurama, guys. Inspiration just exploding onto the world... They aren't the only ones, but I digress.


Sharp diversion into another playlist. My head was a mess Christmas Day. All kinds of stuff slamming into place now. Things I progressed through almost subconsciously over the last 5 years fitting together like tracks across the continent of my thoughts.





And then there I went, straight back to the old standby that crosses all genres, all countries. I felt like I just hanging on to the roller coaster, both in real life and in my head. (I seem to be fine today, thank goodness.)


So I slung myself back out again.


But not for long.


Seriously. And stay out of youtube, lol. I've mentioned the mass brain training a number of times across various medias for years. Y'all are sheep toast.


So I diverted again.




And the morning and the evening were Christmas, and the pagan overlords said, "It is good." Fourth quarter profits hopefully zoomed up to the stars.

That was mostly in between all kinds of chaos and determined efforts to get a lot of stuff done on a minecraft server. You wouldn't believe how much glass I've smelted this week. But Christmas itself was pretty good, and maybe I'll share a few pics another time.

experience distortion

I started this hours ago and keep forgetting about it.

Today was the good kind of brain melt. I've been in partial shut down all day, which is kinda like my brain being a roomba, kinda just bumping around, actually getting things done but very randomly and not always coherently. Since I'm kind of cleaning off part of my hard drive, here, have some random screenshots. I'll start with last night's #latenightmovie.

I don't know why I'm such a packrat. I'm like a compulsive digital hoarder. I steel my will every once in awhile and dump a lot of stuff.

I still blame Mrs. M.

Whoever wrote that script is guilty of something in real life, I just know it.

Creating worlds is like an addiction. Seeding new single player world names and resetting the defaults makes me feel like a minecraft junkie. One of these days I'm going to wind up custom building something so ridiculous that I'll disappear and you guys will never see me again.

Yes, Gary Graham actually looked at a post in my Lexxperience group. This was awhile back. I don't know if anyone else really noticed, no one said anything. I think most people are pretty oblivious.

Oh, nothing *coughcough*. Just something off a stat tracker. Move along.

I feel so cool when I see this.

Seriously, cracks me up. What are the odds that this part of that post out of hundreds would wind up next to that stat number?

I keep saying I can see back yards. Satellite view and then google street view is pretty sweet. Please figure out how to use your proxies. Or not. I really don't care. I'm just a freakazoid who loves maps. Be aware, though, that it's pretty rare to get a real street address like this, and that once I do, I can look up the floor plans and value of your home, among other things. I mention once in awhile being able to 'see' people sitting in parking lots reading through post after post on one of my blogs. If I, a NON monetized blogger can see stuff like that just running a tracker, and timestamp your day out and even know where you work or go to school, which is really super rare nowadays, then YOU need to join the rest of us here in the future and realize how unprotected your tech and personal information are from fraud and possibly actual theft.

I think the biggest surprise I ran into this week was someone not knowing North Korea buzzed Japan again this month. That's a really good article, by the way. I think that timeline of developing nuclear potential is pretty spooky.

Wild gear change, if you aren't hip yet to the mandela effect, here's a quickie.


The only problem I have with this phenomenon is that they're blaming CERN. I've been bringing stuff like this up for YEARS.

Example- I had a fit one year about what I thought was a bible quote. Linus quoted a bible verse to Charlie Brown, and it's not even real. I could have sworn that was really there. This is from one of my Surveypalooza posts.
"I don’t know why I think I remember a bible verse about a prophet telling an evil king to go back to bed for another hour so his people can get some relief, but whatever it was impressed me when I was younger. I haven’t been able to find it, and when stuff like this happens it feels all Matrix-y, like something changed, and maybe I really do remember something because my brain didn’t completely readjust. Or like maybe time travel is real and people really do go back and change little things in history. I remember when I was a preteen crawling through the hay gathering eggs, was suddenly gripped with the weird thought that when I come back out, everything was changed, and I didn’t know who the president was. That was back in the 70′s, I had never seen any scifi like that, had never seen a Twilight Zone, etc. I have a cousin who experiences stuff like that, too, said one day in grade school he was terrified because the teacher handed him back a paper with a good grade on it, and he *knew* he didn’t do that work, and walking home after school through a vacant lot he freaked out about a tree being gone, and his sister said there was never a tree there. Either he and I drift through parallel lives, or things really do change, or we’re crazy, and my psychologist has assured me I’m not crazy. Anyway, it really bothers me that I can’t ever find that bible verse. If anyone else knows what I’m talking about, ~please~ put it in my comments. Otherwise I can only assume I’m on my way to early Alzheimer’s or something. :edit: 6-3-14 Someone reminded me that was Linus ‘quoting’ to Charlie Brown."
Ok, go try finding that quote now in any context. I can't even find Linus saying it. Good luck.

My personal point of view on experience distortion (I just coined that, don't know if it's a real thing, not seeing it used much) is that so many of us have actually been through it in some form without realizing it that a good half of our entertainment industry is actually (and quite comfortably) based on it. We so readily except the weird in our fiction that we expect it. If we lived in a universe where the weird couldn't ever happen at all, we wouldn't be able to conceive it in the first place to wonder about it. Our universe is wonderfully weird, and I love it.

One could argue it's our brains that are weird (and even faulty), and plenty of observation and research has gone into reality and perception and how our brains miss quite a lot going on around us (we aren't adapted to see infrared or hear higher and lower sounds than we do, for example), and time distortion is a real thing based on drug and med reactions and brain injuries, and of course there are memory jags and all kinds of stuff. I often feel like my brain runs too many diagnostics, because I get a bit of deja vu like it's on microsecond feedback loop, or like I even just felt a time break or jump or alteration, and I know from living in a brain like this that I can't count on my perceptions to be correct about reality around me. I have also seen false memories happen in other people during or after traumatic events, and it's really quite spooky to talk to them like that because they are otherwise perfectly sane and normal and you could never convince them something didn't happen that way when you actually have 2 other witnesses kind of thing. So I pretty much take everything with a few grains of salt, as it were. What gets really spooky is when a person has two memories of one event and can't tell which one is correct. I have a memory like that from my childhood.

So the whole mandela effect thing isn't CERN, and it's not new. This kind of stuff has been going on time out of mind, and thousands of years of humanity is so full of weird and creepy stories that it seems awfully lame to blame CERN.

What I HAVE noticed is that social media makes the whole reaction cascade go rabid very quickly. Before twitter and facebook, it just went in slower motion in email group shares and forums. Now that we can chatter real time with so many, it's like ignorance just explodes left and right, and logic gets drowned out very quickly in the madness and mayhem. How many times has some jerk posted that some celebrity died and they're not dead. But so many people share it so quickly that no one believes that person is actually still alive. We've become so death-obsessed that we can't seem to share quickly enough, to mourn hard enough, like it's all some big ocean current we get pulled into. Whether a person really died or not, that current pulls so many people under, and now I'm literally hearing from all sides that 2017 has been the worst year EVER. Even mental health professionals are saying this.

NOPE. I am several decades old, and we've definitely had worse years. We're all aging, we're all heading for death's door, and the rest of our lives will be spent watching out for who dies next. Really??? Guys, I was in high school when Elvis died. There are so many stories about how he's not dead, etc. And John Denver? Conspiracy theories galore, but the truth actually really was pilot error. So many brains get so swept up in the fervor of emotional tide that we collectively develop false memories. That's a real thing. WE ARE OUR OWN MANDELA EFFECT. Besides, Berenstain/Berenstein- I see so many typos everywhere I go, like on billboards, in newspapers, and it's common to see copyright ripoffs with slightly changed logos or names. That notwithstanding, I love that video up there and I'm going to check it out some more. I wish I lived in a place like that, where reality changes from room to room.

It's all fluid. All of our realities are always in motion. There is no 'truth' that we can prove beyond the shadow of a doubt, and there never has been. I hate to agree with Jim Carrey, but we really do make up what we think is truth in a universe we can barely even see. Aside from Plato's Allegory of the Cave (that just threaded every post I ever made here with the word Plato in it), I'm not sure we're smart enough to be discussing how smart we are.

I've otherwise been in a really quiet mood lately.

when mental illness complicates autism

Out of currently 1087 published posts, I have 150 with the word 'alone' in them. I tried to search for 'alone in the house', 'alone all day', and other alone phrases, but that's a lot of grind work for a blog this big. In case you want to search for anything in this blog, there is a "Search This Blog" bar in the right side column just beneath the featured post.

I used to love being alone. Many days I have craved alone time when I'm with other people. I didn't tell anyone for a long time, though, that sometimes I have days where I'm afraid to be alone. With myself. With Myself.

When I was still a young kid, I felt Me. It felt weird to feel Me. Sometimes on those days I would be very aware that I was a walking skeleton, or would sometimes feel like a doll I was moving around. I know nowadays that is called dissociation. To some degree it's very normal to click into an objective perspective and 'see' things from a different point of view. To do it constantly and feel stuck that way, like you can't get back 'in', isn't normal. I did that a lot as a kid.

When I dissociate on a bad day because extreme fatigue or pain spike or sometimes other things causing brain chemical changes (I'm hyper reactive to meds, for example), I lose being able to control how I present. I do and say things that seem confusing. For about an hour yesterday I felt like a box full of fireworks that started going off all at once, and I was experiencing all the emotions almost simultaneously or back to back without any coherent thread of why. There was no logical cause. I couldn't tell what was happening until I started writing, and pretty quickly, I think in about 10-15 minutes, I realized I had spiked into the nether regions of depression. My psychiatrist would like a harder diagnosis that I suspect would result in manic depression and possibly more, but since my psychologist monitors me and I don't seem to consistently go into the more hardcore 'manic' list of symptoms, the debate is left hanging without further testing. Yesterday, though, I definitely dissociated and once I realized it was happening, I was able to pull myself into focusing moment to moment. I did ok, made it through the rest of the day without incident, handled everything ok, made it to bedtime without any problems, at least on the outside.

I've mentioned my mom forcing me to learn to self monitor as a child through sometimes severe corporal punishment, which is now proven to be psychologically scarring and emotionally stunting. Because of that experience, though, I am much more objectively aware of myself than some people. (Not to be confused with the self UNaware state of autism spectrum, which is a social deficit/interaction problem.) I've met people who don't have a clue how to even see another point of view objectively at all, but mostly the people who can seem to be afraid of it. I ventured into objectivity at a young age and played with taboo in my head for many years, mostly as thought experiments that included every conceivable debate about God(s), right vs wrong, reality and realism, and much more. I can emotionally derail and catch myself fairly quickly with diversion, basically cutting the emotion part off. The part in between the derailing and the catching is spooky. People say I'm scary, and it's not because I'm violent so much as unpredictable, I think. I'd say the same thing about my dad because I got to see more of him growing up than my sibs, and I know his cognitive rigidity is his way of not derailing.

Personally, I know I can rely on myself to never cross certain lines, but dissociating is one of those things where you can't always see where the lines are. It's important to reach out and start dealing with real as soon as it starts happening. It's important to be honest and let people know I'm dealing. Trying to hide it never turns out well in the long run. For some people, it's a very short run because they commit suicide or start killing people, and I can tell you from the inside of that state of mind that there is no logic, no red flags, nothing stopping a dissociated person from living out a nightmare and never realizing what they're doing.

People don't like talking about this stuff. It's pretty common, because it's a reflexive survival tool the brain uses to get through something difficult, and some of us do it all the time without even realizing it. Some people cover it up with med, drug, or alcohol use, some people simply have a line of 'reasons' ready, some people just pretend it never happens, like don't talk about it and don't rock boats kind of thing, and then bringing it up is super awkward and makes things worse.

I am #aspienado and I don't want things to get worse. I am using #transparency and #honesty to talk about my stuff, and I keep using public social medias and a game server to keep my balance because it's hard for me to talk on phones and I don't have real life friends or family close by while @bonenado is at work.

I talk about being broken, and I say that we're all broken to some extent in some way or another, and I think 'kindness is logical' is a good belief to hang onto when all else fails me. I can stop immediately and ask myself- What am I doing right now? What do I want? How do I get what I want? Is what I'm doing to get what I want breaking anybody?

Breaking each other is a way of life in many religious and political systems. It's very effective. The better option, though, in my opinion, is kindess. It lasts longer. No matter how I am feeling in any moment, even when everything is black and stupid, I believe Kindness Is Logical.

Aaaaand someone beat me to that hashtag by just under 2 months, lol. That person is promoting 'love is hate' and sexism. Let's see if I can change that. I'm really tired of doublespeak.

#KindnessIsLogical 

being inside on the outside

I love silhouette pix. Later this autumn after the sun goes down and the sky is deep orange and all the bare stuff sticks up black against it will be so cool.

This is my internet support. Crazy, huh? Hopefully that will be changing over the winter.

The internet lets me find my old pix. I think I left part of my head here one year. That light on the water is like my brain sparkling. It sparkled a lot today.

Sometimes I miss the old days. I forgot it was even like this.

I still have this rock egg somewhere. The chickens loved it. They would lay only in the nest with the rock egg. I washed it with hot soapy water when I finally got it back.

But this is today. Today is pretty cool, too. As long as I keep me on the inside, everything stays good. When the inside gets outside, I have a bad day.

Today was weird and hard, but at least it was beautiful. I chopped the sparkly parts off and told them to walk home.

Emergency Brain Melt Rescue Kit

Need help recovering from brain melt? I have discovered The Useless Web. Pinky approves the polite pink button. I have not yet been disappointed.

It's the kind of brain melt that feels like you nuked cheese whiz a little too long during a desperate fit for fake nachos (never do that), and everything is just one big sticky glob that's too hot to eat (seriously, never do that), and suddenly cures into a big hardened disk the second it reaches an edible temperature. Once you've reached that point, nothing on God's green earth seems beneath any kind of standard. Your dog wouldn't touch it, but you eat it anyway, not so it won't be wasted, but because you've sunk to the depths of not being able to face starting over again even though better food is just a few steps and 30 seconds away.

Today has had an unreal forever feel about it. Things kind of turn inside out when you've reached the highest number on the pain scale and realize you were duped by the guy who didn't know about unreal numbers when he drew that chart up.

The world gets weird. Yeah, like this, that "I kill wherever I please" line.


If your loved ones get lucky, that's when your brain says "See ya" and goes out to a party, leaving you to stare blankly and maybe slightly drool a little.

Thankfully...

So now I'm looking for music.

Ok, these are my 3 fave useless websites because I stared at them the longest- fave, second fave, third fave (interactive).

And you're welcome for Benedict crawling around on the floor. I know it helps.

brain swag

That's what I'm calling brain shred now. Brain swag.

I read what I've got so far of Zev vs. Xev to @bonenado, and holy cow, I love writing Lexx stuff. It's going to be long. And super deep. And awesome. I hope when I'm in a nursing home someday and I've lost my mind that all I talk about is Lexx and how I used to obsess over coding. This pic goes nowhere. That's really unusual. It had to come from somewhere. Google says it doesn't know.

Bunny is equal to three kids. It's not even 10 a.m. and I'm already in brain melt from the continual alert level I must maintain.

She's on a walk with grampa right now. All I have left are echoes ringing around my head.

If they ever make a movie about me, I hope they get Austin to play my character.

I'm losing the battle against going full spaz on the couch. I don't even need the TV. I'll just stare at the ceiling fan until they come back. All you people out there wishing you had a toke, I'm way past you just going into aspienado shutdown. I am nirvana. Totally spacing. I'd make a good ghost just watching people with no thoughts in my mind. I need a chip in my brain with this kind of stuff running in the background all the time.