Do we own our own brains?

I guess March started off pretty good. I wasn't fast enough to catch whether it was a bot spam thing or a linkback, and no idea where it happened. I'm slacking off quite a bit this year on the stat stuff, but it's still nice to catch it once in awhile.

This despite sliding down a slippery depression slope, right. It cheered me up a bit. I could see myself actually repelling people for about a week there.

One of the interesting turns being taken in stats is the more dismal I become in general, the more I'm getting hit worldwide by people who start digging through the tags. I'm seeing a number of one-off trails, like an IP here and there making single hits through a variety of pages all bearing the same tag. Real readers.

We are important to each other. We are the real life other people can see happening behind the 'news' being broadcast and scripted across the webs. We are the ones living our days, the ones problem solving our ways through the scary messes we see in the news all around us. We need to be there for each other behind all that. Just keep living and talking and finding things to love and enjoy. No matter how dark it gets around me, there will always be something I will notice that I can think about, distract myself from fear and anxiety.

One thing I notice and talk about sometimes is now synchronized most of us are on social medias. We go through the same mood swings almost all at the same time, and if you look back through timestamps, you can see this really is a pattern. I know a lot of it is weather related, some of it is time of year related (the February slump after holidays and before the last school term surge is brutal), and definitely 'news' related if you watch too much chain yanking on broadcasts or in feeds.

I couldn't help noticing there was a single day a few days ago that several people I know plummeted into the depths and said very nearly identical phrases relating to depression and anxiety. Since I get around so much social media (super lurker) and hang out in real time on a game server with players from around the world, I am able to see all the little pings going off at the same time. I wish I had thought to screenshot through that entire day, it would have made for a very interesting study.

There is some controversy over 5G coming, and whether that will allow 'mind control'. Even when your tech is turned off, it still monitors and relays info. Your GPS signal, if there is location software in your tech, is always ON, unless you pull the battery out. Most tech nowadays have internal batteries to keep atomic time sync, but what else? Microwaves will blink like clocks when power goes out, but our phones and televisions and game consoles don't do that. When we pick them back up, they are already synced and ready to go.

And as I type this, my cursor is moving around of its own free will, which is very interesting considering I have remote share turned off. Hang on a sec.

Ok. You guys have no idea how often I reboot on any given day. And my phone, too. I started noticing around 2009 that I got particular attention from Langley in my stats if I used certain keywords, because only political opinion posts got those hits. I've toyed with visibility and search engines and stats for years and I see some interesting things. You'd think Oh, I'm just a little blogger, who would even care, right. Well, someone cares. It's gotten uber ridiculous with Pinky blog, and I had to train myself to just ignore it, although I have some outstanding screenshots of geolocations that would probably drop a few jaws. I'm not bragging at all saying that, and I think it would be unwise of me to share those screenshots on a public blog. All I can say is, some of those locations are top notch conspiracy level areas, and I can nail it down to where on the street or under a tree a few of these are because someone didn't have a clue how to use a proxy. At all. Like it was a brand new device straight out of a package and full location disclosure was pure green light. I don't know if that's on purpose or not, but yeah, I got the hint. One post in particular, yes. It unnerved me so badly I made that post private for awhile, and I just got hammered after that.

You know what? I don't care. If anything mysterious ever happens to me, that only proves I was right. That is all. If nothing happens, then nothing happens. I'm probably on a list, but I'm pretty sure a lot of us are.

Anyway, back to where I was going with this. There's been some concern about 5G.

• 5G networks will use the same frequencies as pain-inflicting crowd control weapons

And that's one of the nice articles. Here's one of the nastier ones.

• 5G Technology: A Health Crisis Waiting To Happen

Ok, stick with me for a second remembering a few things. On Ghost Hunters one of the first things they would do trying to debunk a haunting would be to check electrical fields with an EMF meter, right, because everyone knows an electrical field over a certain power level can mess with human emotional and physical states, causing anxiety and nausea and even worse. Imagine focusing an EM field very specifically. If you are carrying around tech that continually monitors your location and even measures and transmits your movements (Fitbit, lol), how easy would it be to use that field to affect your personal state of being? Some are concerned about suggestive programming, like this.

• Rewriting Life- How Network Neuroscience Is Creating a New Era of Mind Control
• 
  
• Mind Control with Electromagnetic Frequency
• 
  
• Mind control: New light technology can manipulate memories, emotions and thoughts
• 
  
• How a handful of tech companies control billions of minds every day

Lol, scared yet? I'm not trying to scare you, but if you aren't aware this is very real and has been going on awhile, you need to wake up a little.

Back to here and now. I'm watching anxiety and depression levels spike up and down across medias almost in a rhythm for awhile, and this latest one a few days ago was unreal because I noticed so many people said nearly identical phrases within 2-3 hours of each other across several medias in a variety of areas, and almost to the hour expressed later that they felt better. I noticed I went through the same sensations, as well, the palpable tension for awhile and then the relief later being a bit more noticeable than my usual mood swings. I don't want to immediately jump on the idea that seemed like an experimental test run of something, but I will say that was just weird.

If you are having a bad day and don't know what to do about it, it's always a good idea to touch base with someone to keep some balance. I myself heavily use tech to keep distant people around me through the day. However, I also think it might be a good idea to take short tech breaks. Do restarts and reboots. Walk away and go do a few chores here and there. Get a little distance and see if you feel better. Take some cleansing breaths while you stretch a little bit, tidy up a room, think about arranging the next meal, take care of a kid or a pet, stuff like that, and refresh your physical vitality. Hydrate while you're at it.

If you notice anxiety and/or depression cycles hit while you are holding or right next to tech, immediately put it down and move away from it. I'm not saying be afraid of it, I'm just saying control your moment. I always use tech every day, it's part of my life and probably always will be. I've been making jokes about being in line for the brain chip for years. However, unless you have something like a parent on hospice or some other reason to keep a phone on, turn it off while you sleep. Log off your computer at least once a day, especially if you're away from the house or sleeping. Just turn it off.

Your body has a natural electrical biorhythm that needs its own default cycle to be healthy. Every day we interrupt our biorhythms with electrical fields. We get used to low grade function and not moving around a whole lot, but over time our bodies and minds degrade. We are aging faster. We live in physical bodies on this world, and they are made to keep moving around.

Brains have their own natural EM fields.

• Electromagnetic theories of consciousness
• 
  
• Human electricity and the human electro magnetic field

Keeping your brain immersed in a disruptive EM field can make you feel things you normally wouldn't be feeling otherwise.

• 10 Things an Electromagnetic Field Can Do to Your Brain
• 
  
• Magnetism and the Brain- "Magnetism Can Alter Our Ethical Position"
• 
  
• Could certain frequencies of electromagnetic waves or radiation interfere with brain function?

I think the scariest part of all of this is the idea that tech giants worth billions can influence how we use our brains en masse, and possibly even directly impact our activities. When I see so many people I care about across such a wide amount of distance hovering over their tech saying nearly identical phrases at nearly the same time, what am I supposed to think?

they still haven't realized I'm actually at home

I love this guy
click the pic for a good song

Day 5. Still hiding out from the Jehovah Witness. Curtains drawn, lights off, stealth chores going on. Outside is snow and nasty cold. Weather hasn't deterred them in the past.

I made the mistake of inviting them back when they showed up in my driveway right behind me last week. I was actually glad to see real people that day because my depression was so bad, but politely declined assistance getting my shopping in. We talked for awhile, and I was fine with it and even said we could talk again sometime. When they jumped on what day next week would be good, I auto deflected with we don't have a set schedule around here.

I don't invite people into my house. This is my sanctuary, my escape, my cave. This isn't a hang out for people outside my family. I grew up with my dad pulling people into the house to 'talk bible' and it would last for hours, and he even had me cooking meals so he could keep them there. He loves talking bible, and can out talk anyone, yes, including Jehovah Witness. I know for a fact that they eventually realize they are trapped and work on ways to escape.

I am like my dad. I am saving them from exhaustive entrapment. I am saving us all from a not so cute cat and mouse head game. I am like my dad. I like to win...

pic clicks to wiki page
make of it what you will
the USS Illuminati (NCC-60309) in ST Expanded Universe is a little over the top, I think
all the good stuff is in the interactive gaming
the rest flies under audience radar

So the stuff I brought up in the last post, right. It hit me later, I remembered having seen someone on facebook freaking out about finding out their kid's photo was being sold on the internet for a weirdly high price and they couldn't figure out why in the world, right. Well... maybe the cloning is a real thing. Maybe human trafficking isn't against the law when you use tissue samples from birthing and whatever (*cough*abortions*cough*) to clone cute little kiddies and people can pick them out of catalogs. Just saying. None of that is new. This is old stuff. You guys only know about it accidentally because of social media shares and internet surfs.

Those of us on the topside still have some semblance of human rights. I'm about to tell you exactly what I think since I've been so cryptic all through Pinky blog. Well, it still looks cryptic, but this is how it boils down.

Whatever comes, two things.

• Your mind in the moment is yours. Even if you are brainwashed, there are times you are a lucid self, and that person is who owns those moments. No one else owns your love and kindness. You create that, in any situation. No one is ever brain broken and retrained to be sweet and kind. If you want to own yourself, be sweet and kind in your lucid 'now' moments.
• We are all slaves. We always have been. We are continually used like noobs and taken advantage of with the whole freedom idea, and human dignity is a gift we give each other daily, not something someone owes us. We are the ones who give each other dignity.

Nothing else in this world holds any promises. Pinky blog assumes we are all already screwed. I am teaching you how to go forward and survive.

You don't have to believe in whatever god people hold over you or that extraterrestrials exist or that governments actually don't care about people as much as they do infrastructure, and you certainly don't have to believe me hinting at anything, but somewhere in your mind, heart, and soul there is a real person, and you easily forget to notice that we are all real people caught in a big mess. Where did the mess start? That's debatable. Did someone engineer this mess? That's food for thought. Is this mess necessary? From certain points of view, it might be. But underneath all that mess is you are real. Whether a genuine God is real is between you and God and no one else's place to manipulate you with. Some people do care, but don't realize they themselves come from a very brain trained institutionalized process that uses God to create and enhance emotional dysfunction and pressured compliance. That is not a loving God. Learn to tell the difference.

Never forget that you are real. Even if everything falls apart, or if your world is already broken, you are real. YOU are what is important. Your moments. The gifts you quietly give others. You own that.

the W10 update (World 10)

I've figured this head cold out. It's like a weird update, the kind that takes a long time to download and install, and then has to reboot, and if you interrupt the process, it has to go back a couple of steps and start that part over.

Think about it. A lot of people think humanity's entire history is an ongoing genetic upgrade by ancient aliens from other worlds, right? What if this weird 2-week head cold from hell is a very subtle hardware update disguised as a virus, and the virus sucks but doesn't make people sick enough to die off, so no one pays any attention to it. In the long run it's way too subtle to be noticed, but the changes over time will have a marked affect on future generations. That or we're getting software updates in our brains and will behave differently when activated. I hope we'll all be nice or something.

On a more immediate daily note, I'm at the brain level where I don't even bother putting more than 3 items on a grocery list because we obviously need allthethings anyway, and then when I get there I don't buy much at all because it's not on the list and I can't think beyond Iwannagohome. Now I get to be creative with menu planning and very little food with no brain...

Yes, let's plug the vid and get outa here.

here and now and not fuzzing out

Conking out for 10 hours after one meets for consultation in a sleep study clinic isn't just irony, it's sorcery. >=l Pretty sure they sprinkled some kind of essence or dust on me when my back was turned. I think 10 hours is like a once in 5 years phenomenon for me.

That being said, I can barely move or think. Sorcery. It's like witch potion in minecraft.

I asked about and was told there are 2 main kinds of apnea, one does affect REM (vivid dream recall) and starts in the brain, so you can imagine I'm extremely curious to see whether they can catch that happening since I've been doing this since I was a small child with the dream recall, and going through entire years being terrified of sleeping, so I pushed my insomnia to the limits by remaining awake and alert at all costs even to the point of drinking other people under the table or being medicated out my eyeballs. This last couple of years are the first I've SLEPT consistently and fairly well in nearly my whole life.

That being said-

Last night I was an aging kitchen and laundry (it felt like) overseer in a large gentleman's Chinese brothel, and I'm not talking like in the movies. This was real grunge behind the scenes stuff, very realistic. I knew the entire building inside and out, I knew all the people who worked there, and even though I wasn't a boss, I was respected because I kept order.

But this evening there wasn't order. A recently gone famous pop artist had just walked into the restaurant area with his new very young model bride, and one of the slightly aging performers (background dancer/singer type) in really pretty costuming suddenly threw an absolute fit, screaming how could he, how could he turn to someone else after all the nasty kinds of sex he had made her do with him (during which she evidently must've fallen in love with him), and since I was walking through checking table setting perfection and closest to her, I walked up to where she was nearly now screaming in the pop star's face (everyone's eyes were really big, bad public behavior, bad taste, bad luck all around, no one had ever gunned the place up but didn't mean it wouldn't happen) and put my arm around her waist and then walked between them turning her around. I didn't even look at anyone else, just her like she was the only one in the world and guided her away sobbing, sweetly reminding her that we don't break the rules here, and it's ok if clients do what they want, got her escorted into another area and handed her off, all the while she's having this emotional breakdown and I knew she was ruined now, and they'd either kill her or finish breaking her for some other kind of work. The best I could do was remove her from my floor before I would get in trouble, too, just being in her vicinity.

And then I woke up.

My psychologist is concerned that I might have some kind of REM apnea. I'm concerned about a side article called Is Brain Injury in Obstructive Sleep Apnea Reversible? My worst brain fail came during 6 horrible weeks of NOT sleeping during the worst headache I ever had in my life (nothing shows up on CT or MRI), and then 'all' that happened was bell's palsy and all that got blown off. I've been recovering from particular function glitches ever since, like being able to do simple math. Incidentally, several brain scans over time have only ever showed natural aging. Absolutely nothing else. (:edit: Forgot about empty sella, but that was present at birth.) Since my mom had hundreds of TIAs before she started having the really big strokes (she was an insomniac, too), you can imagine my interest in all this.

Back to the dream! Srsly, another seemingly 'not me' experience out of the blue, like I was somewhere else being someone else with no other connection that I can see to real life, TV, minecraft, reading something, overhearing convos, nothing. I guess the experiment will be to 1- confirm REM disruption, 2- attempt to treat, 3- see if I stop remembering dreams. My sleep study is set up for October. Sadly, no one cares about studying whether I'm actually experiencing someone else in another time and place. We're supposed to stay in our own quantum localities, after all, right? It's not unusual for us to fuzz out and be somewhere else, apparently. The problem is tuning our brains back to ourselves. We need to be here and now. We need to learn to be holistically healthy individuals while we are here on this earth in these lives because we have things to do here and now that only we can do.

REM Sleep Behavior Disorder

Study: Interrupted Sleep May Be as Harmful as No Sleep at All

I've been able to go through deeper sleeping more in the last 2  years than in many years before, cumulatively speaking. I know it's possible for humans to survive severe sleep deprivation, because I've done it, but I'm a mess. However it started and whatever the underlying cause (brain wave disruption is the likeliest for long term, plus now probably aging into regular apnea), I have never been able to sleep normally like I'm supposed to, and because of that I've successfully learned other coping mechanisms, like positive imaging, self hypnotic meditation, free associating (very necessary to 'let go' so the brain can mimic the dream cycle while awake), lucid dreaming (different from free associating), stuff like that. But as I'm getting older, it's getting harder to control this so that I don't wind up 'spacing out' so hard like when I'm driving, because that's way too dangerous. I arrive places and have no memory of how I even got there, sometimes no clue what day it is or why I'm even there in the first place.

I have a feeling I'm not at all alone, and stuff like this could probably explain numerous traffic accidents that people have. Since I've already rolled a car and experienced the brutal pain and have spent my life recovering and in pain, I'm probably more aggressively alert than a lot of drivers out there, and I very seriously do NOT ever want to feel that kind of experience again, so I think my brain gets stuck in the hyper vigilant part of fight or flight, and that's probably where my anxiety attacks in traffic come from, major PTSD stuff.

Anyway, they splashed some kind of potion on me or something yesterday, and now it's taking me 2 hours already to deal with getting my brain on and my body flexible enough to do a few things. I really don't like sleeping hard...

Music like this helps. Sometimes it's about the only way to calm my mind down. I might play this on my phone at the sleep clinic while I'm going to sleep.

perspective

Woke up in a new place, after my arduous months-long tortured crawl through this blog sorting my head out, feeling neither listless nor compelled, wondering what direction one goes after one actually figures out where one's been. And then the first thing I saw on facebook this morning was

It both scares and humbles me when I see local headlines like this: "Pedestrian Hit Near MSU Earlier This Month Died"
Excuse me while the PTSD kicks in...

That reminded me that my direction, as always, is clear.


To all the people out there who have survived something and watch the rest of the world keep sprinting in the rat race while we crawl for awhile in the slow lane, remember that tortoises win the races. Speed and distance are illusions, and being bumped out of the illusion only means we can see the world better. Once that happens, there is no stopping us. Life sux and then we conquer.

Blogger is telling me this is my 400th post. If this were wordpress there would be some kind of silly badge for that. Hang on while I give myself an award. LOL, I grabbed my own award back from Angelbacchae's screen capture site. The pic clicks back to her awards page.

So this is my birthday week, and all this is making me feel pithily observation-y. Like, thank goodness someone still had some of my stuff when I got stupid and deleted entire folders of it. Like, fortunately I didn't disappear from my accident years ago and even after I metaphorically killed all my content off the web, I'm still here scrawling 

I was here.

Aaaaaaand my screen blipped and half the stuff in a whole other paragraph up there just disappeared. Cosmic joke's on me. If this were wordpress, I'd be able to recover an earlier timestamped autosaved version, so that's what I get for mocking.

Holding true to my theme, this pic's source has disappeared.
I linked it anyway.

Jaunted through someone's fan tumblr yesterday and I don't feel so obvious about overthinking now, in any capacity, just as I've mentioned that any time I feel I might be wasting my time doing anything on the internet, all I have to do is go read the lengthy thesis on the pros and cons of Bradley's facial hair. This snip clicks back to the survey it came from.

Well, I read through what is probably only a tenth of a really excellent blog of many posts devoted to every innuendo of sexual inference digested into paragraphs of what can only be the writer's ego (my opinion, since I'm trained in psyche eval and can notate every personal interjection) overlaid onto every single little bitty jot and tittle of conspiracy filming (THAT is a whole different awesome blog I wound up on, holy moly) to hide the truth in plain sight about how John and Sherlock really felt about each other (because we all know that's the most important part of everything, even when people are being murdered), and now I'm way more satisfied about the quality time I've put into figuring out my own life instead of obsessing about fictional characters no one can agree on. I mean, it all made sense, yes, but honestly, the surprising thing was how much of what was said was almost identical to what I've written (in an extremely briefer way), only the exact opposite, so it seems to me that POV interpretation is still what drives sales, to make a blunt conclusion. In short, it doesn't matter, as long as fans keep buying the merch.

What I'm saying is, those blogs allow me to look into the bloggers' own minds, not just John's and Sherlock's. The way they interpret scenes that I interpret very differently, based on my own subjective experiences, is what makes this whole study so fascinating to me. Sherlock and John are fictional characters, we are not. Studying the psychosocial phenomenon that is fandom on the internet is my favorite thing in the whole world. If I were going for my PhD I'd be doing this kind of stuff for my thesis. And, honestly, this is exactly what fandoms are for, to simulate open discussion about difficult to discuss subjects. They defer the content away from the incrimination or apology or emotional angst of self onto a harmless subject with much lower risk of repercussive psychological injury.

It's just nice to know that other people (yes, more) spend insane amounts of time thinking out loud, like I do. Gives me something to read. I love you guys. I love all your head stuff.

Yes, I obviously lived. Yesterday sucked, but I kept reminding myself that it's all familiar, no matter what decision I would have made, I'd have spent the same amount of time doing nothing about it until it eased off. Did the logical push hydration and protein thing, slept great last night for the first time in ages again, feel so much better this morning. Did a search on how long zithromax stays in one's system, got a half life math thing that concluded 15.5 days after last dose, cowabunga. So just stay calm and distract on, right? Quick, look over there.

click for more trew stuffs

That one never fails to get a guffaw out of me no matter how my day sucketh mightily. Interwebs, you are so good to me.

And so is my kiddo! Looky, a birthday box arrived! With sox!!!

I'd like to thank Bob for the card.

@bonenado immediately went into a guilt spasm and had me order new slippers because mine are shot, so my birthday this year is all about footwear. That clicks to amazon if you want to browse.

My phone keeps warning me that storage is critically low. Every warning goes down to a new lower number, even though I faithfully clean and purge and wipe and restart- we're getting into the 19 mg free range now. Yeah, I'd say that's critical. I've eeked so much extra life outa this phone, far beyond its life expectancy.

That reminds me of a dream I had years ago during my cave days, when I was taking a break from the internet. I had bought the Stargate Atlantis set so I could marathon at my convenience, and who knows what kicked this off, I know I was complaining back then of xanax making my dreams way too vivid and real and barely slept because sometimes they got so terrifying or sad that I just couldn't, so when I did sleep, I DREAMED. Maybe my brain was super dreaming trying to catch up from all the insomnia, who knows.

At any rate, Zelenka had been dropped off on very small satellite station orbiting some ancient and now extinct planet or other, and was going to be picked back up in about 12 days. He had the long and tedious job of getting all systems back up, restored to original capacity (if possible), backed up, and then start on assessment and interpretation until rendezvous time. It was a really boring dream for the longest time, just watching a guy in a spacesuit reconfigure systems until he reached a point of being able to take off the suit, and then keep working on debugging and reinstallation for nonworking parts, just really intricate and tedious. And then something went wrong. Something always goes wrong. Power went completely out in a tiny station nearly out of everything consumable, including air and ecosystem control like heat, and after about 6 hours of clamping everything down into sheer survival mode, there was nothing to do at all but sit still and just wait to be picked up.

Of course in my dream I could see the calculating going on in his mind, and knew he knew he'd be long dead before they got back. There was just no way to beat time passing, no tricks to pull out of a sleeve, no magic hat of ideas, just nothing left and no way to contact anyone. Just be still and relax, use as little air as possible and let his body go into hypothermia as slowly as possible.

I was upset in my dream. I wasn't corporeal, I wasn't even me. I don't know what I was. Just an observer of a fictional character. I felt so frustrated. Usually in dreams, by this point, I either know I'm dreaming (I didn't know this time) or I figure out I can push in and do something (I didn't realize I was 'there' to do anything). I've been lucid dreaming since I was a toddler, so looking back on this is really odd how stuck I felt not realizing I could maneuver as an entity in any way. I only felt frustrated.

Time passed. I hovered around, in and out of the station, watching him go unconscious, watching the stars, watching the planet rotate. Nothing else happening. I hovered back into his head, and he was nearly gone. I knew all it would take was one transmission to get someone back there, even though they were impossibly far away, because the tech they used allowed that kind of travel, but there was no way I could send a transmission, even if the tech was working, because I didn't know how. At this point in the dream I actually tried fiddling with some switches in the dark. Of course nothing happened. I have no idea if it would've looked like the switches were flipping themselves, I didn't dream of me actually being there.

I made a decision to go find the people who'd dropped him off and tell them to come get him. That part was easy. All I had to do was slip back through time to when they dropped him off and left and tag it, kind of like tagging a piece of code, and then doing a search later for the tag and the highlight taking you right to it. (Don't ask, I've been dreaming like this for a long time.) So bing, next thing I was hovering around a busy deck full of people and no way to communicate. I told you this dream was long. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to say even just his name (I couldn't, I had no way to vocalize) or get his name onto a screen (I couldn't, I have severe symbol fail in dreams, I can't type or spell or keep numbers straight). I finally got so frustrated that I just pushed into someone's head and screamed ZELENKA, and she dropped the stuff she was holding, and from there was about an hour-long fight to get a single idea through to her to the crew. All I needed to communicate was GO BACK NOW. That was ridiculously difficult. But once that got through, they did go get him, barely in the nick of time. He'd already stopped breathing and was close to brain death, but they did manage to pull a rescue and eventually get him healed to full capacity.

That dream was obviously about my own brain trying to repair and communicate. I yap all the time about my glitchy brain. I had that dream during probably the blackest part of my existence. During the dream it really did feel like long hours and days were passing, but I don't think I slept more than 4 hours max, more likely 2 or 3. I very clearly remember that dream but still have memory problems around real life during that time frame. I've actually had to draw out a timeline for reference, make a list of dates, and go back through old blogs at least once a month trying to keep my life straight, but I remember that dream in great detail. That was my brain showing me how it was working on its own repair, connecting disrupted synapses, giving me context for what was going on in my real life inside my own head.

Neat, huh?

Think about it. My brain cells were able to give me a picture of their existence.

So waking up this morning wondering what to say next, I think the point is to just keep saying. A lot of us have stuff, much of it is very confusing and frustrating, but I believe no matter how tangled up things get, every day is an opportunity for discovery of self and for caring about others. Through all the sadnesses and sufferings, I think the most important words that ever came out of any human's mouth are "I love you."

I love you guys. This is my birthday week, and I'm very glad to still be here. If I could hand out birthday favors on my blog party I'd give each of you an awesome day, some yummy food, and the warm fuzzy feeling of being truly loved. Thank you for reading my blog. That is your present to me.

I was looking for an awkward hugs compilation and ran into this wonderful gem.



:edit: one hour later

O.M.G. "I was upset in my dream. I wasn't corporeal, I wasn't even me. I don't know what I was. Just an observer of a fictional character. I felt so frustrated."

Guys- that is my brain talking. My consciousness is the fictional character to my brain.

Just- wow.

Don't Let Go

Today is my 22nd anniversary.

I've been using the word anniversary a lot lately, and will even more over the next year.

I've been all over the map the last couple weeks physically and emotionally. It's a fabulous roller coaster of sickening grief and pain and sudden relief and joy, which isn't surprising given my hyper hormone surges again (thyroid & cyst) on top of allergy season. I'm sleeping great, thankfully, so I'm not full blown manic, but I'm loving every minute of it anyway.

I never dreamed my brain would be so 'on' again. The only people who've known me with my brain all on are lurkers from before 2004. I pray every day it stays this way long enough to keep working on all this stuff I've started. I know I'll inevitably crash again, because aging does that, plus I imagine I have a genetic predisposition to Alzheimer's since it's in the family, and my mom had hundreds of TIAs (according to an MRI tech) before the big strokes even started (solid family history of strokes), so with me already being autoimmune and diabetic, I know I'm high risk and facing my brain being ravaged head on, and I know it could be a very long and difficult and immeasurably sad road for my family once that starts, because I went down that road with my mom. And she wasn't real old when it all started. I had a brain crash at a much younger age than her from a virus, so without even starting on strokes yet I've already been through a decade of severe brain fog.

So you can imagine me hanging on to every second of lucidity and running as fast as I possibly can while I still have the time.

This song seems to be in my mind every time I boing awake lately.

completely ignorable scattered mess, step over and move on

Amusing myself in between chores. 6:30 a.m. and already dishes and laundry are nearly done, started assembling tonight's hotdish (precooked the rice). Kind of easy when I can't get my brain to crawl out from under my chair and get back into my head. Fans who put things like this together are geniuses.



Actually getting through one of my darker weeks. Really don't like sharing what it's like in my head when I'm like this, but this vid covers it nicely.


Then there's real life stuff. Always fun discovering that the second reroofing job wasn't done properly and how in the world we haven't had entire sheets of shingles slide right off over the last 8 years is amazing, considering the straight line winds and even a microburst that tore parts of the roof off one winter, since roofing nails apparently seem to be missing across great chunks that are finally starting to slip around. No, we're not stressing at all, wettest summer on record....
So, Fourth of July. I'm sure we'll get a few poppers for Bunny. Doubt we grill, we're too tired. Besides, couple of birthdays coming up this month, planning and prep for those will probably include the grill at least once.
I keep reminding myself my parents were slowly losing a 200 acre farm at this age before the final drop off a bankruptcy cliff when the cattle market bottomed out, and our little woes are nothing against the lawyers and banks that got involved with that one. We're still eating well, we have a roof over our heads (insert chuckle here), both vehicles are still running (hope I didn't just jinx myself), and my biggest fear every day is running into a giant spider in the house. So we're good.
Ok, getting the mind off. My brain snuck in unexpectedly while I was distracted with whining. Seriously, guys, I have about fallen over so many times this last month watching my Lexxperience traffic double and triple out of the blue, and now it's just crazy. My top post currently has exactly 300 views on it. I think the blogger widget for all-time and 30-day top posts is broken, because it's not being reflected as a top post in either one. Might just take those widgets off. Anyway, now I have super guilt for letting that blog sit so long without updating, so bat outa hell time. *writewritewrite* I threw this snip into photobucket, click it if you think you absolutely hafta see it bigger. Have a feeling Giggy will give Thodin a run for his money.

Also just found out this week that Ellen is going to SDCC, too, so that's Lexxciting.

And I really hafta share this one, thanx to TScott on FB, really made my night last night. What I wanna know is how the heck this chick suddenly got verified, and as whom, actually. Do the twitter gods think she's the real Sarah Connor because the flurry of response? I'm verified all over G+, wordpress, and pinterest, and I can't get verified on twitter actually following directions.

I'm getting very rambly. Time to focus. Got some writing to do. I hope whoever made this one is unrequited, because that's just a little disturbing, but then, so is what I'm writing. 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adding this as an afterthought, don't click the snip if you don't want your day ruined. People who've lurked me since the Bluejacky days will recognize this interest. Want a password? ~ask me privately~ (EDIT: I took the password off. Someone's gotta be brave enough to say stuff, and I wanna stay true to lurkers. There's a reason people lurk. I understand both sides.)

I don't play head games. I know some of you watch me on twitter and wonder what the hell I'm doing. Others of you wonder why I'm cool with lurkers that never comment.
God bless America. Yes, I'm in a bad mood. I need a better vid. Someone hug me.



EDIT: By the way, in case people think I make a big deal out of the old days, it's because stuff like this happens after I write stuff like this. I've been watching this go on for years. Since there's no sign whatever of spam being blocked, I can only imagine a bot was put on to hack my password. I really don't know. Maybe it's what's on the front page, I dunno. Bluejacky was the stalkiest blog I ever made. The book is really coming. Whoever's getting spooked, calm down. I'm not out for that kind of blood.

crack!blog

Random thoughts while I work today-

6:17 Just noticed my phone is set on airplane mode. ???

6:57 Still trying to remember an if-then conundrum I thought of around 6:05 in the bathroom and couldn't get a page started here fast enough to remember it a minute later. I have hopes. Keeping this page open just in case.

7:05 Checking one of my emails, very rare limited peppermint honey is back, grab it while they've still got some. Yes, I've ordered Hawaiian honey before. I'm a foodie. It's an awesome site, click the pic to check it out.

7:09 I could slap myself for being so quick on the trigger finger, going through my spam stack and had just deleted a line that said Tony left a message on the SnarkFF fantasy board just before that highlighted line there. How coincidental is that???

If you don't have a clue, it's ok, rogue robot being weird. If you don't know what that means either, that's fine, it just means you aren't one of the lurkers that has crawled all over everything I write all over the internet over the last year. It's cool. Yeah, that's a prompt to go dig around if you wanna know that badly. I'll wait. Hang on, lemme get my elevator music while I wait.

Those of you thinking I'm being a slacker instead of working on my live tweet review, syfydesigns.com crashes when more than so many people get on at once, so I wait for the traffic to clear out before I start on the next panel. Just hold your horses.

8:14 I'm really sad that idea I forgot isn't coming back to me.

8:24 I just remembered something I wanted to tell @bonenado this weekend but I still can't remember what I thought of just this morning. We were cleaning up after burrito went home and he was wondering where a ball was that went to a game that had several balls in descending order, and I meant to tell him later "Oh yeah, remember when she put it in that jug and I didn't know it and poured bacon grease all over it and we threw it away?", but he wasn't in the room when I thought of it and then I forgot till just now. I live like this. I might remember two months later that I laid a paper I needed to fill out on a certain counter, but by then it's too late because I scooped it up with a bunch of other stuff and moved it somewhere else two weeks earlier, and I can't remember what I did with that stuff. I've been told by doctors looking at brain scans that I have a healthy brain with normal aging and no one thinks I have Alzheimer's onset or anything, no signs of strokes, but my memory is shocking. I think it runs in the family. My mom once told me her mother once brushed her teeth with Preparation H, she was always grabbing things without looking at them. I come home with random cans of why in the world did I buy that because I'm not looking specifically at what my hand is reaching for because I'm already looking down the aisle while I shop.

Here, have another crack vid while I get to work.

8:43 I just remembered that what triggered the whole 8:24 thing was that I was about to cook some bacon. Going back to the stove now.

9:06 Just thought how everything is forever in the cloud and remembered the idea I forgot might have had something to do with reincarnation. That's as far as it got, but it's a good start.

9:16 If reincarnation by some law of physics of which we are not yet aware requires that our effervescence must remain in a closed system, is the system closed to our particular universe, our particular location in said universe (quadrant, region, local...), or a completely different closed set that has nothing to do with our physical spacetime but everything to do with our spacetime being a subset of another system or vice versa, is there a way to tell if it is truly circular or linear, and how would we know?

I ask this because- as I was catching up on Ancient Aliens last night where they were reviewing Edward Cayce's dream-prophecy-memory that there is a room beneath the Sphinx (or beneath one of the Sphinxes) that is like a library full of info, and by the way said the Sphinx was created around 10,400 B.C. which some archeologists are now finding evidence for that same date saying at least 10,000 B.C. based on weathering and star formation measurements the tunnels are based on- we are assuming that one proven truth implies other truth based on nothing more than an association that has no other connection than that one proven truth. Part of the speculation arising is that future actually affected past and they keep looking for the buried technology that will answer all these questions. Remote viewing is a very real thing, it's documented and tested and has been used by military and crime investigations. No one knows how it works, no one can pin any kind of truth on it except that it does get some results, but we are usually not in tune enough with it for it to be a reliable tool.

9:31 I am loathe to enter on loseit.com that I just ate a third of a pound of bacon while I was wrestling all that out on the keyboard. I still don't exactly remember the idea that popped into my head earlier, which was one very beautifully constructed sentence that conveyed all the heft of that thought. I was hoping all that writing would trigger it, but alas. I'll just get back to work.

10:10 I need another vid. Hang on.

10:31 It's still only 25 degrees out and 'real feel' is 13. I'm freezing.

11:22 My feet don't like working out on really cold days. Hit my foot wall at 20 minutes. >=l Wimps. Oh, well, BACK TO WORK. Sweet, just about to turn the mile ticker.

11:54 I'm giving up on remembering that sentence. It's like my disengaged brain is mimicking dream mode and something floats through but stays in the subconscious part when I try to grasp it and keep it. Afternoons are like partial shut down and coasting through the rest of the day, so I guess I'll go look around for some lunch and do some more chores. Got pork steaks out to smother in BBQ sauce tonight, salad, apple crisp, feed up my mighty hunter when he gets home from work because season opens tomorrow. Thanx for hanging around, have another awesome vid on you're way out.

purple night, pink dawn

Yesterday got sideswiped, stayed very busy but wound up on a completely different track. Need to stay off the tech today, at least for awhile, and then I need to narrowly focus on my scheduled work plan when I do come back to it.

I know dreams don't always mean much but I woke up this morning from a very distraught me in a huge beautiful wealthy home wailing to my (deceased) mother about turning 40.  Since I turned 40 years ago and actually had a fun time with it, I'm wondering where in the world this dream came from and how in the world could that be me. Unless I was having another one of those experiencing someone else dreams, in which case I wanna say Buck up, geez, you big baby.

Total brain reset. Let the mystical parts of your brain get through to the tired, angsty side that thinks everything looks too hard and let yourself wonderfully float through your day. I have this idea that when the brain chips come, normals will have access to the same aspie neural stim experiences I have that allow me to step around all that crap and be as awesome as I wanna be without having to stop and reflect on whether I'm cool enough, kind of like being on pot without the dumb and dumberer side effects. If you could have this or some other fractal zoom with some kind of enjoyable repeating music pattern running in the background of your mind, your brains would pump out endorphins like crazy and it would be better than xanax. That plus having twitter in your brains, you'd feel like part of the Collective and everything would be right with the world.