One of the things I haven't been talking about is what it feels like.
You know that springy sparkle all through your spine and out your nerves that you get when all your hairs go up? Like when something is really creepy, spooky, weird...
Over the last week I have felt that probably 60 times, and it's getting really old. Oh, nothing, just sitting around watching tv or playing minecraft and there we go, over and over like someone's flipping on a light switch to the Griswold house. How's it now? Switch flipped back off. Oops, back on again. Anything? Back off again.
I've been through this before, just not on such a large scale. Nerve healing feels like an electrical crew working on lines and fuses, testing links and current flow, shutting off to work some more, flipping it all on to testtesttest running diagnostics, ok off again... And lately it's my entire body doing that spooky hair thing, starting at the base of my neck and traveling down my spine, arms, and legs to every inch of skin on my body. It doesn't hurt at all at first, but after several of those full blown on-off diagnostics back to back in a row, it actually does start hurting and really wears me out. Then it all stops for awhile until the crew is ready to test the lines again, and then I get a few minutes of that all over again. Several days of that now.
Part of the physical therapy is on my main nerve trunk from base of skull to about mid back. Starting out before these last couple of rounds, I was not aware that parts of the right side of my back are numb, and that the maddening itchy parts in the middle and left side of my back were from nerves sputtering from the agony of years of being pinched off. As we've very slowly been working up and down my spine in between processes, trading back and forth between parasympathetic pressure point and ASTYM week by week, some of the pressure is being relieved and whole nerve branches are lighting back up like strings of Christmas tree lights. I can feel my fingertips now. I can feel the ulnar nerve from my neck down my entire left arm now. I can feel all kinds of muscles around my ribs now. The maddening nonstop itching is letting up and moving further down as the nerve trunk works on healing.
I've about reached my tolerance limit, though. It's time to stop and rest again. Today was my last big parasympathetic therapy. I can tell it's working. Over several weeks I've been able to reduce my pain med from every other day to every third day, and I'm able to use my arms more again. I'm also sleeping better than ever when I do actually sleep, which is more often than not now.
Not sure how, but I seem to be ahead on my $$ sync this month by about $2. Between possible math errors, a new autopay and billing recode, another autopay I forgot about, closing another autopay out, and shutting my eyes to run a debit charge, for awhile it kinda looked like I'd be about $100 in the hole. Something inside my brain still knows how to do math. It's just not sharing it consciously with me.
The sweet roller coaster ride that is the glitchy brain life. It's reminding me of Imaginearum. <<-- post I wrote about watching the movie. "A dark dream. A dying memory. A hidden regret. One last ride."
I am inside a semi-broken brain. Every day I get around obstacles and figure out mazes. I know I'm not alone because I've been contacted so many times through the years by others living with some kind of glitch, be it from schizophrenia, PTSD, concussion injury, MS, strokes, a range of depressions and spectrums. Watching our families around us through the fissures and cracks and glitches...
We know it's hard for you guys. We're frustrated that we make it hard for you, whether we can see it or not, understand it or not.
Say stuff while you can. Write while you can still spell, talk while you can speak, love while you can still remember. Never put off for later what you might lose any moment in an accident or medical injury.
Holidays are hard. Not all of us can pick up phones and call hotlines, but some of us can still reach out and hold a hand, maybe nod. The more lost you get in the glitch, the more meaningful every word and movement becomes reaching through.
Keep reaching through. Reach out, reach in, reach toward.
Conking out for 10 hours after one meets for consultation in a sleep study clinic isn't just irony, it's sorcery. >=l Pretty sure they sprinkled some kind of essence or dust on me when my back was turned. I think 10 hours is like a once in 5 years phenomenon for me.
That being said, I can barely move or think. Sorcery. It's like witch potion in minecraft.
I asked about and was told there are 2 main kinds of apnea, one does affect REM (vivid dream recall) and starts in the brain, so you can imagine I'm extremely curious to see whether they can catch that happening since I've been doing this since I was a small child with the dream recall, and going through entire years being terrified of sleeping, so I pushed my insomnia to the limits by remaining awake and alert at all costs even to the point of drinking other people under the table or being medicated out my eyeballs. This last couple of years are the first I've SLEPT consistently and fairly well in nearly my whole life.
That being said-
Last night I was an aging kitchen and laundry (it felt like) overseer in a large gentleman's Chinese brothel, and I'm not talking like in the movies. This was real grunge behind the scenes stuff, very realistic. I knew the entire building inside and out, I knew all the people who worked there, and even though I wasn't a boss, I was respected because I kept order.
But this evening there wasn't order. A recently gone famous pop artist had just walked into the restaurant area with his new very young model bride, and one of the slightly aging performers (background dancer/singer type) in really pretty costuming suddenly threw an absolute fit, screaming how could he, how could he turn to someone else after all the nasty kinds of sex he had made her do with him (during which she evidently must've fallen in love with him), and since I was walking through checking table setting perfection and closest to her, I walked up to where she was nearly now screaming in the pop star's face (everyone's eyes were really big, bad public behavior, bad taste, bad luck all around, no one had ever gunned the place up but didn't mean it wouldn't happen) and put my arm around her waist and then walked between them turning her around. I didn't even look at anyone else, just her like she was the only one in the world and guided her away sobbing, sweetly reminding her that we don't break the rules here, and it's ok if clients do what they want, got her escorted into another area and handed her off, all the while she's having this emotional breakdown and I knew she was ruined now, and they'd either kill her or finish breaking her for some other kind of work. The best I could do was remove her from my floor before I would get in trouble, too, just being in her vicinity.
And then I woke up.
My psychologist is concerned that I might have some kind of REM apnea. I'm concerned about a side article called Is Brain Injury in Obstructive Sleep Apnea Reversible? My worst brain fail came during 6 horrible weeks of NOT sleeping during the worst headache I ever had in my life (nothing shows up on CT or MRI), and then 'all' that happened was bell's palsy and all that got blown off. I've been recovering from particular function glitches ever since, like being able to do simple math. Incidentally, several brain scans over time have only ever showed natural aging. Absolutely nothing else. (:edit: Forgot about empty sella, but that was present at birth.) Since my mom had hundreds of TIAs before she started having the really big strokes (she was an insomniac, too), you can imagine my interest in all this.
Back to the dream! Srsly, another seemingly 'not me' experience out of the blue, like I was somewhere else being someone else with no other connection that I can see to real life, TV, minecraft, reading something, overhearing convos, nothing. I guess the experiment will be to 1- confirm REM disruption, 2- attempt to treat, 3- see if I stop remembering dreams. My sleep study is set up for October. Sadly, no one cares about studying whether I'm actually experiencing someone else in another time and place. We're supposed to stay in our own quantum localities, after all, right? It's not unusual for us to fuzz out and be somewhere else, apparently. The problem is tuning our brains back to ourselves. We need to be here and now. We need to learn to be holistically healthy individuals while we are here on this earth in these lives because we have things to do here and now that only we can do.
I've been able to go through deeper sleeping more in the last 2 years than in many years before, cumulatively speaking. I know it's possible for humans to survive severe sleep deprivation, because I've done it, but I'm a mess. However it started and whatever the underlying cause (brain wave disruption is the likeliest for long term, plus now probably aging into regular apnea), I have never been able to sleep normally like I'm supposed to, and because of that I've successfully learned other coping mechanisms, like positive imaging, self hypnotic meditation, free associating (very necessary to 'let go' so the brain can mimic the dream cycle while awake), lucid dreaming (different from free associating), stuff like that. But as I'm getting older, it's getting harder to control this so that I don't wind up 'spacing out' so hard like when I'm driving, because that's way too dangerous. I arrive places and have no memory of how I even got there, sometimes no clue what day it is or why I'm even there in the first place.
I have a feeling I'm not at all alone, and stuff like this could probably explain numerous traffic accidents that people have. Since I've already rolled a car and experienced the brutal pain and have spent my life recovering and in pain, I'm probably more aggressively alert than a lot of drivers out there, and I very seriously do NOT ever want to feel that kind of experience again, so I think my brain gets stuck in the hyper vigilant part of fight or flight, and that's probably where my anxiety attacks in traffic come from, major PTSD stuff.
Anyway, they splashed some kind of potion on me or something yesterday, and now it's taking me 2 hours already to deal with getting my brain on and my body flexible enough to do a few things. I really don't like sleeping hard...
Music like this helps. Sometimes it's about the only way to calm my mind down. I might play this on my phone at the sleep clinic while I'm going to sleep.
Woke up in a new place, after my arduous months-long tortured crawl through this blog sorting my head out, feeling neither listless nor compelled, wondering what direction one goes after one actually figures out where one's been. And then the first thing I saw on facebook this morning was
It both scares and humbles me when I see local headlines like this: "Pedestrian Hit Near MSU Earlier This Month Died" Excuse me while the PTSD kicks in...
That reminded me that my direction, as always, is clear.
To all the people out there who have survived something and watch the rest of the world keep sprinting in the rat race while we crawl for awhile in the slow lane, remember that tortoises win the races. Speed and distance are illusions, and being bumped out of the illusion only means we can see the world better. Once that happens, there is no stopping us. Life sux and then we conquer.
Blogger is telling me this is my 400th post. If this were wordpress there would be some kind of silly badge for that. Hang on while I give myself an award. LOL, I grabbed my own award back from Angelbacchae's screen capture site. The pic clicks back to her awards page.
So this is my birthday week, and all this is making me feel pithily observation-y. Like, thank goodness someone still had some of my stuff when I got stupid and deleted entire folders of it. Like, fortunately I didn't disappear from my accident years ago and even after I metaphorically killed all my content off the web, I'm still here scrawling
I was here.
Aaaaaaand my screen blipped and half the stuff in a whole other paragraph up there just disappeared. Cosmic joke's on me. If this were wordpress, I'd be able to recover an earlier timestamped autosaved version, so that's what I get for mocking.
Holding true to my theme, this pic's source has disappeared.
I linked it anyway.
Jaunted through someone's fan tumblr yesterday and I don't feel so obvious about overthinking now, in any capacity, just as I've mentioned that any time I feel I might be wasting my time doing anything on the internet, all I have to do is go read the lengthy thesis on the pros and cons of Bradley's facial hair. This snip clicks back to the survey it came from.
Well, I read through what is probably only a tenth of a really excellent blog of many posts devoted to every innuendo of sexual inference digested into paragraphs of what can only be the writer's ego (my opinion, since I'm trained in psyche eval and can notate every personal interjection) overlaid onto every single little bitty jot and tittle of conspiracy filming (THAT is a whole different awesome blog I wound up on, holy moly) to hide the truth in plain sight about how John and Sherlock really felt about each other (because we all know that's the most important part of everything, even when people are being murdered), and now I'm way more satisfied about the quality time I've put into figuring out my own life instead of obsessing about fictional characters no one can agree on. I mean, it all made sense, yes, but honestly, the surprising thing was how much of what was said was almost identical to what I've written (in an extremely briefer way), only the exact opposite, so it seems to me that POV interpretation is still what drives sales, to make a blunt conclusion. In short, it doesn't matter, as long as fans keep buying the merch.
What I'm saying is, those blogs allow me to look into the bloggers' own minds, not just John's and Sherlock's. The way they interpret scenes that I interpret very differently, based on my own subjective experiences, is what makes this whole study so fascinating to me. Sherlock and John are fictional characters, we are not. Studying the psychosocial phenomenon that is fandom on the internet is my favorite thing in the whole world. If I were going for my PhD I'd be doing this kind of stuff for my thesis. And, honestly, this is exactly what fandoms are for, to simulate open discussion about difficult to discuss subjects. They defer the content away from the incrimination or apology or emotional angst of self onto a harmless subject with much lower risk of repercussive psychological injury.
It's just nice to know that other people (yes, more) spend insane amounts of time thinking out loud, like I do. Gives me something to read. I love you guys. I love all your head stuff.
Yes, I obviously lived. Yesterday sucked, but I kept reminding myself that it's all familiar, no matter what decision I would have made, I'd have spent the same amount of time doing nothing about it until it eased off. Did the logical push hydration and protein thing, slept great last night for the first time in ages again, feel so much better this morning. Did a search on how long zithromax stays in one's system, got a half life math thing that concluded 15.5 days after last dose, cowabunga. So just stay calm and distract on, right? Quick, look over there.
click for more trew stuffs
That one never fails to get a guffaw out of me no matter how my day sucketh mightily. Interwebs, you are so good to me.
And so is my kiddo! Looky, a birthday box arrived! With sox!!!
I'd like to thank Bob for the card.
@bonenado immediately went into a guilt spasm and had me order new slippers because mine are shot, so my birthday this year is all about footwear. That clicks to amazon if you want to browse.
My phone keeps warning me that storage is critically low. Every warning goes down to a new lower number, even though I faithfully clean and purge and wipe and restart- we're getting into the 19 mg free range now. Yeah, I'd say that's critical. I've eeked so much extra life outa this phone, far beyond its life expectancy.
That reminds me of a dream I had years ago during my cave days, when I was taking a break from the internet. I had bought the Stargate Atlantis set so I could marathon at my convenience, and who knows what kicked this off, I know I was complaining back then of xanax making my dreams way too vivid and real and barely slept because sometimes they got so terrifying or sad that I just couldn't, so when I did sleep, I DREAMED. Maybe my brain was super dreaming trying to catch up from all the insomnia, who knows.
At any rate, Zelenka had been dropped off on very small satellite station orbiting some ancient and now extinct planet or other, and was going to be picked back up in about 12 days. He had the long and tedious job of getting all systems back up, restored to original capacity (if possible), backed up, and then start on assessment and interpretation until rendezvous time. It was a really boring dream for the longest time, just watching a guy in a spacesuit reconfigure systems until he reached a point of being able to take off the suit, and then keep working on debugging and reinstallation for nonworking parts, just really intricate and tedious. And then something went wrong. Something always goes wrong. Power went completely out in a tiny station nearly out of everything consumable, including air and ecosystem control like heat, and after about 6 hours of clamping everything down into sheer survival mode, there was nothing to do at all but sit still and just wait to be picked up.
Of course in my dream I could see the calculating going on in his mind, and knew he knew he'd be long dead before they got back. There was just no way to beat time passing, no tricks to pull out of a sleeve, no magic hat of ideas, just nothing left and no way to contact anyone. Just be still and relax, use as little air as possible and let his body go into hypothermia as slowly as possible.
I was upset in my dream. I wasn't corporeal, I wasn't even me. I don't know what I was. Just an observer of a fictional character. I felt so frustrated. Usually in dreams, by this point, I either know I'm dreaming (I didn't know this time) or I figure out I can push in and do something (I didn't realize I was 'there' to do anything). I've been lucid dreaming since I was a toddler, so looking back on this is really odd how stuck I felt not realizing I could maneuver as an entity in any way. I only felt frustrated.
Time passed. I hovered around, in and out of the station, watching him go unconscious, watching the stars, watching the planet rotate. Nothing else happening. I hovered back into his head, and he was nearly gone. I knew all it would take was one transmission to get someone back there, even though they were impossibly far away, because the tech they used allowed that kind of travel, but there was no way I could send a transmission, even if the tech was working, because I didn't know how. At this point in the dream I actually tried fiddling with some switches in the dark. Of course nothing happened. I have no idea if it would've looked like the switches were flipping themselves, I didn't dream of me actually being there.
I made a decision to go find the people who'd dropped him off and tell them to come get him. That part was easy. All I had to do was slip back through time to when they dropped him off and left and tag it, kind of like tagging a piece of code, and then doing a search later for the tag and the highlight taking you right to it. (Don't ask, I've been dreaming like this for a long time.) So bing, next thing I was hovering around a busy deck full of people and no way to communicate. I told you this dream was long. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to say even just his name (I couldn't, I had no way to vocalize) or get his name onto a screen (I couldn't, I have severe symbol fail in dreams, I can't type or spell or keep numbers straight). I finally got so frustrated that I just pushed into someone's head and screamed ZELENKA, and she dropped the stuff she was holding, and from there was about an hour-long fight to get a single idea through to her to the crew. All I needed to communicate was GO BACK NOW. That was ridiculously difficult. But once that got through, they did go get him, barely in the nick of time. He'd already stopped breathing and was close to brain death, but they did manage to pull a rescue and eventually get him healed to full capacity.
That dream was obviously about my own brain trying to repair and communicate. I yap all the time about my glitchy brain. I had that dream during probably the blackest part of my existence. During the dream it really did feel like long hours and days were passing, but I don't think I slept more than 4 hours max, more likely 2 or 3. I very clearly remember that dream but still have memory problems around real life during that time frame. I've actually had to draw out a timeline for reference, make a list of dates, and go back through old blogs at least once a month trying to keep my life straight, but I remember that dream in great detail. That was my brain showing me how it was working on its own repair, connecting disrupted synapses, giving me context for what was going on in my real life inside my own head.
Neat, huh?
Think about it. My brain cells were able to give me a picture of their existence.
So waking up this morning wondering what to say next, I think the point is to just keep saying. A lot of us have stuff, much of it is very confusing and frustrating, but I believe no matter how tangled up things get, every day is an opportunity for discovery of self and for caring about others. Through all the sadnesses and sufferings, I think the most important words that ever came out of any human's mouth are "I love you."
I love you guys. This is my birthday week, and I'm very glad to still be here. If I could hand out birthday favors on my blog party I'd give each of you an awesome day, some yummy food, and the warm fuzzy feeling of being truly loved. Thank you for reading my blog. That is your present to me.
I was looking for an awkward hugs compilation and ran into this wonderful gem.
:edit: one hour later
O.M.G. "I was upset in my dream. I wasn't corporeal, I wasn't even me. I don't know what I was. Just an observer of a fictional character. I felt so frustrated."
Guys- that is my brain talking. My consciousness is the fictional character to my brain.
I think I've figured out that the flash drive thing bothering me so much was because I went through actual fail for several years. One of the reasons I started hoarding info on tech was because the brain crash was unbelievably sucky and tech became an extention of my brain, holding elusive thoughts and glitchy memories in place for me. And here I am on the other side now apparently almost traumatized by the shock of having gone through it. I don't think I could really see the overall emotional impact until that flash drive fail happened.
It's one thing to cut off feelings (all my life) or even memories here or there (blocking is a survival tactic), but it's another to have systems fail because of viral infection hitting an already faulty nervous system and being left with glitchy old strings of Christmas tree lights. I spent years rebuilding and reconnecting through a haze of meds and seemingly neverending illness, and about the time I've finally started feeling like I'm patched back up and clearing the debris field, I go through a very symbolic memory crash with that flash drive. Thank goodness it was only a stick and not my brain this time. All the same, I've been reeling through several days of flash backs and emotions, and even though I'm actually quite up for the most part, I'm realizing I've never really talked about what it was like back then. The closest I came to being really honest in public was blinking in the light on my spaz blog. Up to that point, not a soul in internet land and all the fandoms I'd been in ever had a clue. No one who met me after 2004 ever met the me before brain fail.
As I've recovered my cognitive function, I've also recovered some memories and reconstructed more out of a pile of rubble covered in brain fog. This last year has been marvelous and thrilling like I haven't felt in 11 years. Anybody read Flowers for Algernon? That. That was me. Only I started off with this brilliant IQness and a nearly perfect ACT score and plummeted to the black depths of not being able to count a little bit of cash buying a burger. I asked bank tellers and cashiers to count my money for me for several years. I couldn't dial a phone number without help. Nope, not one sign of any kind of brain damage, or blood vessel problem, or cancer, or anything else, just function loss and some outlying trigeminal nerve damage. And even now, every time I get a simple cold virus or even just too tired teetering on the edge of flare up, I go all glitchy again.
I feel like Rip Van Winkle. I've gotten to wake up for awhile and everything has changed, and I've gotta get all over the program before I fall out of step again, because surely this can't last. I feel like I'm racing the sad, and the more I can look back and see it now, the harder I run. And I don't think this is an irrational fear. I've already got four really big strikes against me and was barely into my 40's when the brain crash happened. I can still hardly believe sometimes it's all coming back on again.
Memory glitch, loss, fail, whatever you want to call it is such an incredibly sad and lonely thing to go through. It's bad enough living with prosopagnosia and not remembering faces, but to not remember times and events and which holiday is coming up next is like feeling lost all the time. And how do you say this to anyone? How do you tell people in the wake of your impact that you're flying blind in a ship that lost its core memory? Big nod of thanks to Douglas Adams for providing frames of reference via Grebulons and Hactar the Krikkit war computer. The whole Janika Banks tagline thing is about surviving epic fail. "I asploded. I'm ok. Like the Central Intelligence Core of the Krikkit War Computer, I'm everywhere, in the mists all around you." Because that's what it's been like since 2004, leaving people in the aspienado wake of my brain fail impact. You guys realize it's the mice's faults for building Deep Thought in the first place, right? (I'm also epstein-barr positive from an actual mouse bite. How ironic is that.)
I feel like I've got to say all the things before I can't again.
(Lyrics- Anni B Sweet)
I've been using the word anniversary a lot lately, and will even more over the next year.
I've been all over the map the last couple weeks physically and emotionally. It's a fabulous roller coaster of sickening grief and pain and sudden relief and joy, which isn't surprising given my hyper hormone surges again (thyroid & cyst) on top of allergy season. I'm sleeping great, thankfully, so I'm not full blown manic, but I'm loving every minute of it anyway.
I never dreamed my brain would be so 'on' again. The only people who've known me with my brain all on are lurkers from before 2004. I pray every day it stays this way long enough to keep working on all this stuff I've started. I know I'll inevitably crash again, because aging does that, plus I imagine I have a genetic predisposition to Alzheimer's since it's in the family, and my mom had hundreds of TIAs (according to an MRI tech) before the big strokes even started (solid family history of strokes), so with me already being autoimmune and diabetic, I know I'm high risk and facing my brain being ravaged head on, and I know it could be a very long and difficult and immeasurably sad road for my family once that starts, because I went down that road with my mom. And she wasn't real old when it all started. I had a brain crash at a much younger age than her from a virus, so without even starting on strokes yet I've already been through a decade of severe brain fog.
So you can imagine me hanging on to every second of lucidity and running as fast as I possibly can while I still have the time.
This song seems to be in my mind every time I boing awake lately.
I made it all the way through June this year without suddenly freaking out that I timewarped and missed the Fourth of July. This year I embraced my stuff and I think I'm ok now. And the dream changed last night.
Every year around this time I have a dream that I'm trying to call my mom on my phone, and I never can get the number dialed right. Last night, after a very cool day watching my stats here flip to 15,000, which I never would have guessed could happen in less than a year, and then plunging into a Giggy post (just feels really good to think), I dreamed I attended a big party with hundreds of guests flowing over into several rooms of a huge house, and instead of being one of the first to leave, like I've always done in the past, I stayed until nearly everyone else had left because I was looking for my phone.
I never did find it. All kinds of junk was left behind in the after-party mess, and I collected several lost phones and played around on other people's laptops and even an antique typewriter, occasionally running into others who were also looking for their lost things. I decided to try calling my phone from other people's lost phones. Boy, was that a joke. I knew the number. I could see the numbers I needed to press. But the only digit I ever pressed correctly was the first one. I worked and worked on it, and kept having to start over and over. I finally decided I may as well just accept the wrong phone in my hand and hijack the data plan, just plug my own passwords in and get my stuff done until someone cut the plan off. Strangely enough, I could input passwords just fine, I just couldn't call my own number. The second I realized that I woke up.
I feel it appropriate to revisit this song. I first posted it in 2008. Dark City is about adapting to change by using the power of our minds, even when nothing around us makes sense. I know this sounds cliche, but I know personally how hard it really is because I've gone through the whole glitchy brain thing- we can choose to become powerful people. We've gotta be willing to honestly assess and embrace who we are, and then make a plan. Baditude is everything. Use your powers for good.
6:17 Just noticed my phone is set on airplane mode. ???
6:57 Still trying to remember an if-then conundrum I thought of around 6:05 in the bathroom and couldn't get a page started here fast enough to remember it a minute later. I have hopes. Keeping this page open just in case.
7:05 Checking one of my emails, very rare limited peppermint honey is back, grab it while they've still got some. Yes, I've ordered Hawaiian honey before. I'm a foodie. It's an awesome site, click the pic to check it out.
7:09 I could slap myself for being so quick on the trigger finger, going through my spam stack and had just deleted a line that said Tony left a message on the SnarkFF fantasy board just before that highlighted line there. How coincidental is that???
If you don't have a clue, it's ok, rogue robot being weird. If you don't know what that means either, that's fine, it just means you aren't one of the lurkers that has crawled all over everything I write all over the internet over the last year. It's cool. Yeah, that's a prompt to go dig around if you wanna know that badly. I'll wait. Hang on, lemme get my elevator music while I wait.
Those of you thinking I'm being a slacker instead of working on my live tweet review, syfydesigns.com crashes when more than so many people get on at once, so I wait for the traffic to clear out before I start on the next panel. Just hold your horses.
8:14 I'm really sad that idea I forgot isn't coming back to me.
8:24 I just remembered something I wanted to tell @bonenado this weekend but I still can't remember what I thought of just this morning. We were cleaning up after burrito went home and he was wondering where a ball was that went to a game that had several balls in descending order, and I meant to tell him later "Oh yeah, remember when she put it in that jug and I didn't know it and poured bacon grease all over it and we threw it away?", but he wasn't in the room when I thought of it and then I forgot till just now. I live like this. I might remember two months later that I laid a paper I needed to fill out on a certain counter, but by then it's too late because I scooped it up with a bunch of other stuff and moved it somewhere else two weeks earlier, and I can't remember what I did with that stuff. I've been told by doctors looking at brain scans that I have a healthy brain with normal aging and no one thinks I have Alzheimer's onset or anything, no signs of strokes, but my memory is shocking. I think it runs in the family. My mom once told me her mother once brushed her teeth with Preparation H, she was always grabbing things without looking at them. I come home with random cans of why in the world did I buy that because I'm not looking specifically at what my hand is reaching for because I'm already looking down the aisle while I shop.
Here, have another crack vid while I get to work.
8:43 I just remembered that what triggered the whole 8:24 thing was that I was about to cook some bacon. Going back to the stove now.
9:06 Just thought how everything is forever in the cloud and remembered the idea I forgot might have had something to do with reincarnation. That's as far as it got, but it's a good start.
9:16 If reincarnation by some law of physics of which we are not yet aware requires that our effervescence must remain in a closed system, is the system closed to our particular universe, our particular location in said universe (quadrant, region, local...), or a completely different closed set that has nothing to do with our physical spacetime but everything to do with our spacetime being a subset of another system or vice versa, is there a way to tell if it is truly circular or linear, and how would we know?
I ask this because- as I was catching up on Ancient Aliens last night where they were reviewing Edward Cayce's dream-prophecy-memory that there is a room beneath the Sphinx (or beneath one of the Sphinxes) that is like a library full of info, and by the way said the Sphinx was created around 10,400 B.C. which some archeologists are now finding evidence for that same date saying at least 10,000 B.C. based on weathering and star formation measurements the tunnels are based on- we are assuming that one proven truth implies other truth based on nothing more than an association that has no other connection than that one proven truth. Part of the speculation arising is that future actually affected past and they keep looking for the buried technology that will answer all these questions. Remote viewing is a very real thing, it's documented and tested and has been used by military and crime investigations. No one knows how it works, no one can pin any kind of truth on it except that it does get some results, but we are usually not in tune enough with it for it to be a reliable tool.
9:31 I am loathe to enter on loseit.com that I just ate a third of a pound of bacon while I was wrestling all that out on the keyboard. I still don't exactly remember the idea that popped into my head earlier, which was one very beautifully constructed sentence that conveyed all the heft of that thought. I was hoping all that writing would trigger it, but alas. I'll just get back to work.
10:10 I need another vid. Hang on.
10:31 It's still only 25 degrees out and 'real feel' is 13. I'm freezing.
11:22 My feet don't like working out on really cold days. Hit my foot wall at 20 minutes. >=l Wimps. Oh, well, BACK TO WORK. Sweet, just about to turn the mile ticker.
11:54 I'm giving up on remembering that sentence. It's like my disengaged brain is mimicking dream mode and something floats through but stays in the subconscious part when I try to grasp it and keep it. Afternoons are like partial shut down and coasting through the rest of the day, so I guess I'll go look around for some lunch and do some more chores. Got pork steaks out to smother in BBQ sauce tonight, salad, apple crisp, feed up my mighty hunter when he gets home from work because season opens tomorrow. Thanx for hanging around, have another awesome vid on you're way out.
Holy cow, I'm all over the place. O_O I haven't had this much brain availability in ~years~. My arms are so tired, I'm going nearly nonstop, and still my brain is going wheeeeeee... I had laundry finished and a roast in the crock pot by 7:30. I'm breaking up all the rest of the to-do stuffs into different spirals. Good thing I picked up more spirals during back to school sales. The rest of the morning is a big planning session. I am my own secretary, and today is all about office management. The first order of business was a conference meeting with myself. Reorganizing, renovations, still moving forward but with gears and pulleys and lots and lots of joy. This used to be so hard. Oh, I hope this lasts awhile.
