the Question

I think I've figured out that the flash drive thing bothering me so much was because I went through actual fail for several years. One of the reasons I started hoarding info on tech was because the brain crash was unbelievably sucky and tech became an extention of my brain, holding elusive thoughts and glitchy memories in place for me. And here I am on the other side now apparently almost traumatized by the shock of having gone through it. I don't think I could really see the overall emotional impact until that flash drive fail happened.

It's one thing to cut off feelings (all my life) or even memories here or there (blocking is a survival tactic), but it's another to have systems fail because of viral infection hitting an already faulty nervous system and being left with glitchy old strings of Christmas tree lights. I spent years rebuilding and reconnecting through a haze of meds and seemingly neverending illness, and about the time I've finally started feeling like I'm patched back up and clearing the debris field, I go through a very symbolic memory crash with that flash drive. Thank goodness it was only a stick and not my brain this time. All the same, I've been reeling through several days of flash backs and emotions, and even though I'm actually quite up for the most part, I'm realizing I've never really talked about what it was like back then. The closest I came to being really honest in public was blinking in the light on my spaz blog. Up to that point, not a soul in internet land and all the fandoms I'd been in ever had a clue. No one who met me after 2004 ever met the me before brain fail.

As I've recovered my cognitive function, I've also recovered some memories and reconstructed more out of a pile of rubble covered in brain fog. This last year has been marvelous and thrilling like I haven't felt in 11 years. Anybody read Flowers for Algernon? That. That was me. Only I started off with this brilliant IQness and a nearly perfect ACT score and plummeted to the black depths of not being able to count a little bit of cash buying a burger. I asked bank tellers and cashiers to count my money for me for several years. I couldn't dial a phone number without help. Nope, not one sign of any kind of brain damage, or blood vessel problem, or cancer, or anything else, just function loss and some outlying trigeminal nerve damage. And even now, every time I get a simple cold virus or even just too tired teetering on the edge of flare up, I go all glitchy again.

I feel like Rip Van Winkle. I've gotten to wake up for awhile and everything has changed, and I've gotta get all over the program before I fall out of step again, because surely this can't last. I feel like I'm racing the sad, and the more I can look back and see it now, the harder I run. And I don't think this is an irrational fear. I've already got four really big strikes against me and was barely into my 40's when the brain crash happened. I can still hardly believe sometimes it's all coming back on again.

Lupus and the Brain
Diabetes and Memory Loss
Lyme Disease and Cognitive Impairements
Fibro Fog and Dyscognition

Memory glitch, loss, fail, whatever you want to call it is such an incredibly sad and lonely thing to go through. It's bad enough living with prosopagnosia and not remembering faces, but to not remember times and events and which holiday is coming up next is like feeling lost all the time. And how do you say this to anyone? How do you tell people in the wake of your impact that you're flying blind in a ship that lost its core memory? Big nod of thanks to Douglas Adams for providing frames of reference via Grebulons and Hactar the Krikkit war computer. The whole Janika Banks tagline thing is about surviving epic fail. "I asploded. I'm ok. Like the Central Intelligence Core of the Krikkit War Computer, I'm everywhere, in the mists all around you." Because that's what it's been like since 2004, leaving people in the aspienado wake of my brain fail impact. You guys realize it's the mice's faults for building Deep Thought in the first place, right? (I'm also epstein-barr positive from an actual mouse bite. How ironic is that.)

I feel like I've got to say all the things before I can't again.
(Lyrics- Anni B Sweet)

flashback friday- bridging the interruptions and finding the flow

Even with my brain coming back on like it hasn't in years, I'm still having to reconnect continuity. I have lotsa memories, just no flow. This is another reason why I like looking back through old blogs, they help me orient. I know this might sound odd, but it took me 3 hours this morning to mentally reestablish this time order even though it was all right there in front of my face. I'm still having incredible difficulty thinking in time terms.
Brain Areas Critical To Human Time Sense Identified

A year ago today (2014) was my last visit with my psychologist after 7 1/2 years. I think Pinky blog has taken over as psychotherapist.

Two years ago (2013) my whole face and head suddenly went numb during the surgery-burrito-xanga stress, and I've been having way less pain and lots more mobility and strength ever since, so my nerve healing must have turned a real corner, although at the time it freaked me and several doctors out big time.

Three years ago (2012) @bonenado got zombie infected and ate steroids for a month, kinda scary. Too bad this cat was pre-burrito, it woulda been perfect.

Four years ago (2011) all I was talking about was the heat.

Five years ago (2010) Gram rolled down a mountain in a national park during vacation after one of the grandkids yelled "SNAKE!" that turned out to be not a snake, and then had to drive all the way home looking like someone beat hell outa her. 4'10" of the toughest lady I ever met.

Six years ago (2009) it was like pulling teeth between 2 clinics on a weekend just getting a medrol pack for pleurisy complicated fibro flare of the chest wall and couldn't take in a breath because it felt like all my ribs were broken. Huzzah if you don't know what pleurisy is, you live a sweet life. I dug through everything I could find on spoonies handling pleurisy flares and have been able to avoid them ever since by practicing deep breathing exercises to keep my rib cage flexible. Note- this is NOT related in any way, shape, or form to asthma.

Seven years ago (2008) I was doing pool therapy in a continuing desperate attempt to avoid back surgery.

Eight years ago (2007) I put a survey on a super private blog. It is public for the first time ever today. Yes, it's dated a day off, but I was certainly working on it the day before, so there. Oh, never mind, I still have sign in lock on. Aaaaand it's also on followers lock, for excellent reason. Ok, here is a sample. Maybe I'll move it to Surveypalooza later today.

3. Do you own a gun?

It's called a "salad shooter".  I can pelt you with raw veggies in the face at 60 paces.

Nine years ago (2006) I discovered who I am.

And then I came alive and fell in love and found out I could fly.

Ten years ago I found my calling.

Eleven years ago a Black Butterfly touched me in a dream and showed me her secrets.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My daily morning theme continues this week.

my boyfriend

Me and @bonenado irl last night.

Ok, j/k, I didn't neck pinch him. My carpal tunnel is too bad for that now.

Had a chat last night with the nicest Best Buy / Geek Squad account support EVER. One of these days someone will figure out a way for us all to have everything centrally tied to just one ID so I don't have to go chasing down how in the world I have two packages of the same thing on autopay on two different dates between two different entities, all based on one of my accounts being under an old email address and therefore not showing up online in any form for me to see even though my equipment and credit ID cross the line into both accounts. One little ancient email address prevented associates from helping me with this problem for nearly 3 years. This genius woman last night was patient enough to dig around a little and help me sort out what was actually going on.

How can this even happen? Well, thanks to BLOGGING, I can go back and look up what was going on the day of the replica purchase. Apparently in September 2012 I dragged my laptop into a Geek Squad line sporting a nasty pain level in my neck during that ASTYM therapy and on antibiotic for something that was making me feel very ill. The next day I picked the laptop up from routine maintenance. I vaguely recall trying to ask questions back then about my Torch browser having fits over Google hangouts and must have gotten a big hype sales push from a yappy caffeine addict who couldn't see I was already paying for Kaspersky and sold me a protection plan bundle that included it, and I apparently plunked down my debit card. Ever since then I've been trying to untangle what in the world happened, to no avail. Last night a very kind person with apparently a mountain of experience excavated all my info, sorted it, assessed it, and helped me understand it.

Told you guys my brain was glitchy for awhile. 2012 seems to have all kinds of mysteries tucked away for me to find.

That was tedious. I'm really good at filling space with tedious material. Years of blogs...

Heh, guess I'm not always that yappy. On this day in 2007 all I posted was pictures. Here is one of them.



One line from 2008.

    Someone found my Duck Lords site through a search for 'blow my load vids'....  Aaaaaaaaahh!!!!!  *gag*

A short paragraph from 2009.

I really don't know how Scott turned out so calm and collected with all that crazy DNA from his parents.  I always thought he was so spontaneous and hyper and stuff.  He's a marble statue compared to what blew through my house for 20 minutes this afternoon.

Fun stuff from 2010.

Belmont Stakes this Saturday, woohoo!  This is the shirt I'm getting.

Chickens could probably use a little watermelon in this heat.    Spencer's occasional eggs are getting ginormous.  Dooney is still plugging out little ones every day, pretty much saves the day so we don't run out.  Macy should be laying nearly daily but for some reason has slowed down to about 2 a week.  Jaizzy completely stopped several weeks ago when she got so sick, and Bean is Bean is Bean, just a weird little pet with mixed up hormones.  Told Scott next time I buy more chicks (in some distant future), I'm sticking mostly to smaller breeds that are more consistent layers.  Dooney seems to handle the weather changes better, seems overall more healthy all the time, less inclined to let every little thing bother her.  Odd that she was the one bred to tolerate the stress of cage life, but she outdoes the others at freedom.

2011 was the big year that started changing everything when I found out I was diabetic.

So, I've broken the 200 barrier, which I haven't done in prolly 5 years, and that makes 38 pounds lost now.  Two more pounds and I'll be where I was at when I turned 40.  Weird factoid- I had put on 40 pounds since I was 40.

2012- THIS is the day that I made the decision to come back public again. That tiny sentence fragment represents one of the most hair-raising moments I've ever been through. Scott and I both assumed within a couple of microseconds that we wouldn't be living through it and braced for impact and nasty death. I still don't know how it didn't happen.

we just missed being in a nasty head on collision last night

2013- I'll never forget being on vacation when I got the news about Xanga. And I didn't yet know I am allergic to dogs.

Also found out we're in a pet friendly hotel. Being extended stay guests and hanging out the do not disturb sign, the air fresheners have worn off, and now this beautiful room in this really nice hotel smells like an old man with his cat and small dog used to live here. It's not nasty, but the litter box smell pervades, like a memory of days past.

Over $16,000 has been raised for Xanga so far (I joined a couple of Xanga facebook groups), and there are hopes running through the little crowd of regulars that they can pull this off.

2014 and everything is public now. And Mom is still showing up in a lot of my dreams.

*wow* o_o My head was so full of stuff just getting out of bed at 6:15 that I had to log onto all my twitters and go through motions just to get some focus. The dreams about my mom are getting cool. Maybe she's joining me in having fun instead of all the fretting she used to do.

2015 (That's now!)

Nearly killed Scott last night. Let him live. For now...

Monday brain buffet

I am still getting people mixed up. It has taken me two months to wrap my head around connecting someone on twitter to facebook, even with a direct sentence to me saying 'I am this person on twitter', and someone you'd think I'd be more likely to remember because similar interests. But I guess he's not the other person I kept thinking he was, which I'm really glad I figured out before I hooked either one up on my friend page, a work in progress that seems to keep winding up on the back burner. There are quite a few more people I want to get linked up there.

Yes, it actually has occurred to me I keep biting off way more than I can chew, but everything is still slowly and inexorably getting done. Main thing is just be cool and have fun doing it. This site is off the hook, click that crazy guy's face and just start scrolling.

There are over 1000 pix there, so far this is the last page. http://photoblog.piercingmap.com/index.php?showimage=1079 All you have to do, if you lose your place, is write down the number you're on and then put that number into the link after you paste it into the search bar, bing, you're back in play.

I seem to be in prednisone rebound, hope it's peaking and over soon. Didn't put a single pound on the whole 17 days, suddenly ~wham~ 2 pounds this weekend. I didn't have a single bite of birthday cake or ice cream, haven't been munching out. I noticed my hands looked puffy for awhile, maybe it's a fluid retention thing. At any rate, they say you've gotta keep watching it after the pred is over, so that's what I'm doing.

Trying to take a little break from the zyrtec, dosed down to half a pill at night, still take the whole one in the morning, two days of that and I'm already feeling the histamines trying to surge back up. Ug. I reeeeeeeeally don't like zyrtec, but it's better than going back on prednisone. I hope. But I'm still thinking about a break, maybe switch back to benadryl around the clock for a couple of days. Every time I've been on zyrtec during physical therapy, I can tell my muscles are way tighter and I fatigue more easily, and this last round of PT was a toughie, plus the day I had burrito for 9 hours, my thighs are like rubber bands on a catapult, any second now they'll go ~~BOING~~ and I'll find myself on the roof of the house or something.

JibJab is trying to distract me...

Good thing I keep jumping up and doing stuff. Roast went into the crockpot 2 hours ago, my bed was stripped and washed and back on the bed already, about to tackle the dishes and go sharknado all over my holiday drawers. Scott might be bringing burrito home for supper while her mama is at the dentist. Trying to rush getting at least this much done because I feel a nap stalking me, which would actually be lovely. Started Fluency but I'm afraid to let go and really read before I get my stuff done today.

I've gotta close the laptop, I can feel my brain getting sticky. Here, watch this, iz funny.

post prednisone brain

Holy cow, I'm all over the place. O_O I haven't had this much brain availability in ~years~. My arms are so tired, I'm going nearly nonstop, and still my brain is going wheeeeeee... I had laundry finished and a roast in the crock pot by 7:30. I'm breaking up all the rest of the to-do stuffs into different spirals. Good thing I picked up more spirals during back to school sales.  The rest of the morning is a big planning session. I am my own secretary, and today is all about office management. The first order of business was a conference meeting with myself. Reorganizing, renovations, still moving forward but with gears and pulleys and lots and lots of joy. This used to be so hard. Oh, I hope this lasts awhile.