click for the Bunny Halloween wiki
bunnies and Halloween are not strangers
I think one of my sister's girls started that one years ago, not sure if it was around Easter or what else was going on, but it has stuck with us ever since and we say it a lot. :edit:Thisis the original source.
I love you more than bunnies.
Growing up in a family where hearing "I love you" didn't happen often enough around me, or was said more out of expectation or under trite circumstance, I went out of my way to change that with my family. It was hard, but once I got used to it, it started rolling off my tongue unbidden even to strangers, sometimes in very funny or awkward places. Oh, well, lol. Maybe someone needed it.
Last night's vivid dream was about bunnies. If we could see in bunny form what humans do to each other, maybe we could understand better. Like when someone's day gets crushed by an angry person flinging their emotions around, literally seeing a bunny stomped hard with a big boot and the painful squeal of death while eyes gouge and guts and brain spurt out. Or like if someone was all best of luck to someone else whose bunny was out in rough choppy water and you could see the bunny was literally drowning in front of you. Or like sending someone off to handle something with a you can do this, and there was a very sad bunny hiding deep in a backpack or glove box. Sad bunnies would be pretty hard to push out there into the big cruel world. We'd want to cuddle them and make them feel safe.
click for tons of clip art
Today is brought to you by the letters K and MC and the number every 30-60 seconds. Kaspersky is a big bad biatch, and I really love it. Kaspersky on Windows 10 is a whiny brat. I've used Kaspersky for years, so I'm pretty good at figuring out the drags I go through and adjusting them. Our latest adventure together ramped up when I updated my minecraft game server downloads and started getting kicked off for java.io.IOException every 30-60 seconds. Kaspersky doesn't like java and tells on java all the time, so I'm well aware of the crap on my end. I fiddled around with adding exceptions and told it to ignore any more java, and at least I was able to log on. I spent an entire day relogging nearly every minute. I'm a machine, I got a LOT done in between those kicks, like renovating my player shop and farming up another $75K or so. But I got really tired of it, so I finally took the whole safe money off. I don't know what is going on with the latest Kaspersky updates and the latest W10 and Chrome duels, but I had to take safe money off just to be able to stay on a game server on a top of the line gaming laptop. Have I mentioned I'm about ready for the competition to stop? That it's time for the total integration and smooth interface of internet? That I'm ready for the brain chip? Sheesh.
If the only interesting thing in that last paragraph was 'game server', my latest post is here.
click to get to official server site
After a sweet lull in my personal allergy hell (got through ragweed season on half the usual amount of antihistamines), everything flared super big yesterday and I had to slam extra zyrtec, double the benadryl I usually take when needed, pepcid (H2 blocker) and after 30 minutes decided I'd better get on that pred burst or wind up in clinic for shots, so I'm on prednisone for 3 more days. Between our basement getting dredged for yard sale (went fantastic, yay!) and the leaf mold from autumn starting (official allergy to leaf mold), and all of it going in and out the door past me, my histamine levels were probably already popping, and then all it took from there was one of my old pain pills (some meds are well known for spiking normal histamine levels even though there is no allergy to the med), and bam. I'm not supposed to be taking those any more anyway and had gotten down to one a week, and yesterday's 30 minutes of headache relief got blitzed by my uvula turning into a lawn sprinkler. You don't mess around with that kind of reaction. Took nearly an hour to get that under control, but much better now. Guess I'd better go back to twice a day zyrtec through autumn peak. Maybe I can cut back down once we're past that.
SO. I'll be super watching my blood sugar next few days. If you're in diabetic hell with steroids for some reason, I wrote a post for that called Diabetes and Steroid Meds. If you need more, go here. I'm pretty good at this, fasting glucose was 78 this morning after yesterday's prednisone.
I think I'm getting better at cramming a lot of stuff into less space. 😋 Let's get out of here, I need breakfast and more game time. I didn't get on server for 6 whole days in a row last week, and I've been extra special good lately, so I'm going to PLAY. I don't think some of the kids nowadays appreciate that my gen inventing playing. All your tech and industries- my peeps made 4 u. Let's go enjoy something today.
Continuing this week's coffee surprise theme, I forgot to get the grounds ready last night, @bonenado stumbled out and half blindly put the water on anyway, I stumbled out and cleaned all that up and made actual real coffee while he was putting his contacts in, and my entire coffee operation looks sparkly clean and brand new now. Coffee is a tad strong, but I'm needing it. I forgot that one doesn't just cut off a medrol pack and had a funny afternoon contorting over chairs on ice packs. Blood pressure came down beautifully, though, so I broke the rest of the days' pills in half and took them and then actually slept more than 5 hours. (15 total now in 3 days, yay!) I'll have to remember the 'in half' thing if I ever do this again. I have never tapered well off medrol. I think in past I had to break pills and drag it out a few days at much lower doses.
Wo, was looking up funny memes and when you click this back to source, I think that gobbledygook means it got censored or something. I love it because cheese. *runs off to get some cheese*
Other very stupid and laughable things give that some extra laugh heft, but it's not Pinky stuff, and even though it would boost reader hits galore, that's not how Pinky rolls. I've decided I'm content with my page opener enthusiast, and btw, it's not you, person who commented last time I brought that up. Different country, sorry.
*cheese wafts into brain*
This kid.
They recently moved their wiki, looks nice. I think it's important to share that I'm capable of making $50 in one day off punkins now. I doubt anyone I play with reads that, so no one knows what in the world I'm talking about. When a moderator says they're going to tear down their operation and look into trying your style and then everyone comes out with 'come see my auto-farm' (I don't even auto-farm), you know you've arrived.
Ok, clicking brain into place. After a 2-month hiatus, I did a money and calendar sync yesterday, everything still holding even after a long-term set up and no peeking kind of thing, yay! So even when I feel like brain fail and can't deal, I can trust myself to make sure it doesn't fall apart. That's been a long time coming. The dissonance between how I feel I'm doing inside and how I'm really doing outside is growing, so I'm getting really good at faking or something. I don't actually live the daily faceplant fail that used to be my modus operandi, even when it feels like I do. My neurologist did a short term memory test on me, told me to remember apple, table, penny. A little way into the exam I blurted that I was frustrated that I could remember apple and table and not the other one (having pictured minecraft apple and table, right?). He said coin, I automatically said penny. I haven't forgotten them since, and my memory is actually very good for someone my age, despite the very real brain fail I've been through. However, everything my life is like that, stuff falling out all day long and me staring at empty slots wondering what was there. I'm just really good at dealing with it because I've lived this way so long. People still say "Remember the time when you exited onto the wrong ramp and went down a highway backward?" They still let me drive. Anyway, I think minecraft, and particularly the added interaction on Mo Creatures is helping me retain, remember, and stay on track in the background more amid constant disruption, so my brain feels much more agile than it used to.
Another player named a villager after me. 😄
The headache is strong with me today, nothing terrible (yet, hopefully topping out as we speak), so I'm going back to bed. Who knows, that might just work.
My Monday started with flipping a broken purple pen into my first cup of beautiful coffee. How's yours? Wish I'd taken a pic and used it as today's demotivational poster, but here's an even better one from someone else. Click it for more fun.
I haven't had a medrol pack in so many years. I remember being miserable on them, and now I know why- my extended blood pressure spike is incredible. If I lived like that all the time I'd be dx'd stage 2 hypertension, which is considered extremely serious, so I may forego the rest of the medrol pack. The goal was to reduce possible fibro flare induced tissue swelling around craniocervical area, which was also spiking my blood pressure, and something's working because that pressure is gone, so hopefully this all settles back down fairly quickly now. All I can do is just keep an eye on it for a few days.
I spent Derby Day on Mo Creatures. Is it any surprise? But I did stop and watch the pre-parade and the big race. I know some people might think it silly to make a big deal out of little things like a fairy horse on a minecraft server, but a years long loose string came together beautifully in my heart and head over it, and only a tiny handful of people have a clue why, because I never talk about it.
A difficult era has begun in family around me, setting the background behind Pinky blog for a few weeks or months. I like to stay focused on my own stuff here, but want to recognize loved ones coming together in support and many big feelings. I know this is probably a weird way to pay homage, but the story behind Purple Rain is important, the spirit of sport is a big part of us, and yes, half the state just flooded, so I'm deeply appreciating this video this morning. (I'm loling that it's a Saints field in a Vikes family, but I do have a Saints fan in the house lately...) The love is strong in this family in spite of some very long hard roads.
Just thought I'd let anyone know who thinks I've gotten out of hand this week that my ears hurt really bad, which means I'm being punished because I just finished antibiotic and I'm still on pred taper. Also, it's been a week since the whole thing started, so if this is adenovirus, I should be way past this by now. Oh, and I'm still coughing a little. And my throat totally hurts to swallow again. And I'm on triple the antistamines, in case this is allergies still triumphing.
Meanwhile, someone stabbing nails in an effigy cackles with laughter.
BUT I SLEPT. That was the best part of waking up. And I'm remembering coffee today. That's the second best part. And my fasting glucose was 96. That's the third best part. And I've lost a pound. That's the fourth best part.
To the person (people) stabbing nails in my effigy, that's MISTER Lost A Pound During Prednisone to you. That alone commands respect.
What are we doing today, Zuul? Thought I'd take the CRV out for a spin later this morning, hang out with the chiropractor, stop by Walmart and pick up some more milk and thangs. Come home and organize some more chores and whatevs. Got the kitchen done yesterday, starting off fairly antless this morning, yay! Stripped everything and got laundry caught up a couple days ago, but I could probably get a load going again today. Laundry is so easy. I remember my gramma soaking jeans in a bucket. I've told y'all way back somewhere about my dirt poor days when I washed diapers in the bathtub and was thrilled to get hold of an old electric wringer washer someone threw out. I'm living real nice nowadays, but I will never forget feeling blessed just to have a bathtub and a junk antique washer. Really need to get on my weekly bathrooms and floors thing. Maybe the prednisone will give me an extra boost of spunk today like it did yesterday.
Couple of brain cells are trying to remind me of something about paperwork.
btw, it's not very often any more that I leave a comment anywhere. I used to, but the way wordpress is set up, it looks like commenting is there for people to link traffic back to their own stuff, and I sort of feel embarrassed to get traffic that way. I work too hard driving organic traffic to piggyback off other bloggers. I don't want to look like I'm fishing.
However. I did leave a tiny little comment on Life is too short to be Voldemort. That is the most spot on motivational speech I've ever read. I'm a speed reader, you know I've read the whole internet. You know I also don't link swap for favors or rent blog space to advertisers, so you know this one is totally worth your time because I'm taking the time to say so. Saving it here is also a good way for me to go back and read it again sometime.
Ok, where was I? I'm sorry I got frustrated this week, lemme rephrase. I'm always frustrated. I'm sorry I vented this week. When I private blogged I dumped a lot, and that helped me deal with all the internal pressures I probably brought on myself. Over time I realized I was spinning my wheels in negativity, and I tried to change up my style a bit, be more positive or at least interesting. My blog was so private I had only one reader, so I do have a witness who can back up how long and hard I worked on my blogging style changing. When I committed to public I felt challenged to be even better, be a positive force, not a grindstone wearing other people down. I feel like this week is a bit of a fail, and yeah, I can blame being sick and feeling cranky on meds, but with all the experience I've got with life and the darts it throws- that's still no excuse.
I don't think I'm cool when I dis on fans. I don't think less of fans when I have a bad day. I love finding fans and hanging out with fans and seeing what's in other fans' heads, and even moreso LEXX fans, because they are so hard to dig up on the webs. Oh, they're out there. They're just really good at incognito stuff. Some of them are like the underground of the underground- rich gamers and high dollar collectors sprinkled around the world. Some of them are a little closer to the surface, but still in the darker caves of fandom. Some actually quietly pop out onto the webs and share their fan creations, but for every one that does, there are ten more lurking who don't. I've seen stuff wink in and out of internet existence that would have the world drooling over Lexx.
The people in the surface soil of fandom do NOT represent the entire fandom. The fringe crowds hanging around the edges of pot and porn are attracted to Lexx, yes, and the passionate feely fans writing fanfics and hanging around art sites are attracted to Lexx, yes, and the cosplayers are coming out a little more, yes, but there are so many Lexx fans the world doesn't have a clue exist. If the world could see these fans, we'd already have a thriving Lexx franchise by now.
Just saying that's why I feel frustrated. Lotta people sitting back watching me sticking out like a sore thumb, and I can see who's watching me and y'all can't, and I wanna share so bad that there really are people out there who. want. more. Lexx. And all it takes is a little bit of prednisone on a tough week to make me wanna kick the walls down.
I have lived through so much. I've seen other franchises reboot and mass world market. I've seen so much cool stuff happen over the last 12 years. I would dearly love to see the Lexx on a giant screen before I'm done.
Just saying.
Remember, the Lexx is the size of Manhattan escaping out of a mountain it has been housed in while it grows. This vid was uploaded by a fan on Jan. 31, 2012. I've bookmarked the account. The last time I shared a Lexx upload on Pinky blog, an entire account got wiped out and I've been very careful not to draw attention like that to Lexx fans this way, so I apologize ahead of time if it happens again. (Lexx is currently acquired and distrubuted through Echo Bridge Entertainment and a new region 1 box set for 29.99 is available for pre-purchase for the release date May 3, 2016 details here.) Tell me you wouldn't want to see a scene like this on a big screen.
And just to be absolutely clear- Wil Wheaton and Chris Hardwick are the reason I decided I could handle coming back out public. They may not know it, or they might, I don't know. But you guys need to know it. Their inspiration is changing our world, and I for one am grateful for it. Being a real person for public because you deeply love a thing is cool now. All the pix in this post click back to sources.
Wow, betcha never thought of this one... "Coughing cats may be allergic to people." Click the pic for more.
3:15 a.m. Why isn't there coffee?? Some people remember to turn the switch on. This setup used to have a morning timer, but the clock's been broken for years. Why do we keep it? Because you can't get under the counter mounted coffee makers any more without having to run a water line. Since we've got filtered water storage under the sink, we're already running a line up to a separate tap for drinking water.
Do you know what's cool about baby cave crickets and ants? Neither one of them surprises me with a dive bomb into my coffee cup. Most of the ladybugs are about gone now. For all their ineptness, they seem to haven an intuition about the outside of the house being better than the inside now.
6:30 a.m. Looking up uvula stuffs. I've been noticing last couple of years that sudden coughing spasms during allergy seasons seems to start there. Guess I nailed it jumping on the pred yesterday. Clicks to source.
So... something I ate yesterday? I'd had lunch within the hour, foods I'm used to but supposed to avoid during peak histamine seasons, like chocolate and cheese. Doesn't mean I'm necessarily allergic to anything new (yet), but maybe avoid them for about 6 weeks, the same way I avoid tomatoes through the spring. I used to think I was allergic to tomatoes, but I'm not. I can eat a little ketchup just fine, but eating salsa this time of year is definitely out.
My goal is to stay out of the ER this year. April is always my ER month. Hopefully vigilance will pay off. I've lost count of how many times I've wound up in ER or urgent care or walk in clinics over the last 5 years because of sudden food reactions during tree and ragweed seasons. Getting really tired of it.
I'm going to do like yesterday and just leave this post open in case I need to come back and compulsively write.
7:25 a.m. Overheard a few ants gathering around for a treasonous discussion about the rumor that the Queen is really sending them out on these patrols as part of population control, since no one ever comes back from these missions. One little guy popped off about going off on his own and eating what he wants instead of taking it back to the nest, because he doesn't care because this kind of treatment and YOLO, right, while the others tried to shush him. Oopsie. There they suddenly went on a water ride. Dead by Dawn, as it were. They didn't know me and the Queen are in cahoots.
4 p.m.
This post is so stupid that I'm going to paste something over from a private convo.
[3:06:39 PM] Pinky Robot: man, I haven't looked at my tweepsmap stats in almost two years. 12% of my total followers (the highest percentage) are in CA, and that works out to 304 accounts. [3:07:45 PM] Pinky Robot: Sorry, this is my brain on prednisone, chasing numbers around. I'm trying not to eat. I'm starving. [3:14:13 PM] Pinky Robot: then it's UK, NY, and FL, which totals to 843 with the CA in it. I didn't realize. I was so busy weeding out the crap for weeks that I never picked up on where all the real people were. Google analytics always told me L.A. was top city, with London being a close second, but beyond that it's really vague. [3:24:05 PM] Pinky Robot: I really wish I had a crystal ball. 23 hits on this, most of them from facebook, and it's always a curious thing to see when key cities show up around things that regular fans don't really care about. I would looooove to know who in the world on facebook checked that out when all I can see in my public groups is member names that saw it, and they're not from L.A. This is what I keep trying to tell the closed off groups, they really need to make their stuff accessible so that 'big' people don't have to cow to making visible accounts and actually loiter with the noobs. http://lexxperience.blogspot.com/2016/04/the-year-that-lexx-ranked-into-top-40.html
[3:27:18 PM] Pinky Robot: My numbers look poor on post reach half the time, but if people could see what I see they'd probably jump in and start waving saying "I'm a Lexx fan". So many of these fans go out of their way to dig up and follow all the actors and sometimes even directors, like it makes a difference that the same 50-300 people show up everywhere, but they can't seem to grasp that the more important people who HIRE these people would rather see the FANS talking about what they'd put cash on the counter for. I feel like I'm pulling teeth. [3:29:04 PM] Pinky Robot: I've fielded so many people asking why don't they make more Lexx, and my question back is why don't you make it more obvious that you WANT Lexx? Holy cow, look at the other fandoms out there ripping it up. Prednisone makes me pissy. I wanna go shake people. (swear) lol
And it won't matter because probably only 15-30 people tops will ever read this if I never hashtag it or promote, and only link it once.
In. A. Mood.
I just wanna ask you guys- if you could see who checks out my stuff, would you come out of the dark and start shining your phones and lighters to the world? Would you stop sitting in the dark whining and get your butts out here helping me show these corporate guys WHAT. YOU. WANT.?
I get in the stupidest arguments with people who actually literally whine that there isn't more Lexx 'out there' or in the works, who then turn around and say they like their secret culty fandoms, it makes them feel 'special'.
Ok, let's make Benedict Cumberbatch His Divine Shadow and watch the world explode, you tiny little brains out there. 'special'
I'm feeling very Zelenka today. If you don't know what that means, go back to feeling special in your little hole. I'm ready to asplode the world.
Ignore yesterday's post. Gonna blame that one on the antibiotic.
You know you've come a really long way when you can throw a spoonful of cocoa powder into a cup of hot milk, not add any sugar at all, and be fine with it.
Actually, you mix that cocoa in the cup with a dash of water first and heat it for 20 seconds in the microwave, THEN add the milk and heat it some more. I make mine half canned milk, it's richer. Anyway, helps the cocoa blend in to break it down like that.
~hours later~
You know your head is wacked when you suddenly remember you haven't had any coffee.
Aside from needing groceries, I have no other plans today. It's enough to just survive this stupid coughing. I bathed and dressed, and now curling up in a little nest on the couch while I watch Sherlock sounds nice.
~minutes later~
Really tired of this waking up coughing thing. Still don't have my voice back, been 3 days now, I think. April is always my worst tree allergy month, but this one is too reminiscent of the year I wound up on advair. So far I haven't resorted to inhaler, but I've actually thought about it.
My worst new food allergy reactions pop up during bad seasonal allergy months, so April and August/September wind up being ER months for me if I don't keep a tight lid on it. The last thing I want to do is wind up on a prednisone rescue because I'm diabetic and pred seriously spikes blood glucose, so I may be sticking to a very restricted meal plan for a few weeks.
nutrition is taken for granted
Recapping 2016 so far-
December- serious tech fail
January- bronchitis
February- social media transition (depression)
March- intense physical therapy (nerve fail)
April- croaking off bcuz super allergy season
Can I be whiny now? ~more hours later~
Cranked some pred, pepcid, and benadryl, decided very abrupt and lengthy coughing spasms to the point of nearly puking means histamine cascade, because I'm already on antibiotic. The last time it got this bad (2009? 2010?), I wound up in ER 4 times in one month and pretty much lived on advair the rest of the year. Making the executive decision for round the clock benadryl and twice a day zyrtec. You'd think that would turn me into a zombie, and maybe by the end of the month it will, but for now, it's just a relief. Several years ago I had a Jack blog (Jack's Page), and one of my running gags was that benadyl may cause excitability. I was doused in the stuff and still sitting up all night doing artwork and collecting gifs other people made.
Not at all liking that I'm starting to get that cough compulsion again. It's only been an hour since the med load. I've been practically swilling chloraseptic. Pretty sure I'm not supposed to be using that much.
Sorry, this is me trying not to be nervous. My blood pressure is crazy, but it would be way scarier if it were plunging, so I'm not worried. Just means my body is dealing with something, like, oh I dunno, my immune system FREAKING OUT.
Live blogging at its best. I'm trying to stay off twitter so I won't scare the straights, plus it's hard to stay cool and polite when I'm already on the cusp of social fail without this kind of pressure, plus I really don't want someone tagging @bonenado to get his attention just because I'm tweeting. If I wanted him I'd text him, or call his work. We still shake our heads over that one day I was using twitter to handle a pain crisis by being silly and someone actually thought it was an emergency and tagged him. If it's really an emergency and I'm in a public place like Walmart, I'm pretty sure me or someone else will be calling 9-1-1, and I'm also pretty sure I won't be tweeting instead of texting Scott. Anyway, that was the day I decided twitter can't handle the way I handle my worst days.
There is nothing in the world that shows you how to handle crap like hanging out with young adult bloggers who have CF. There's a kid I follow on twitter (I say kid, could be anywhere from 15 to 25) for no other reason than that the tweeting style caught my eye, and I was like, wo, this person is tweeting silly stuff from a hospital bed and nobody even has a clue. The continual stream of shared conscious distraction was cute and witty and plainly stated for anyone paying attention- "I'm sharing myself because I'm not sure if I won't be able to soon." It was obviously a lifestyle, going in for maintenance and setbacks and stuff.
Whispers in the dark, all our minds tweeting and tumblr-ing and FBing, and feeling like part of the world because our thoughts are all out there together, even though some of us aren't really talking to anyone but ourselves. I love blogging. I can talk to myself all I want in here.
I think it's calming down again... I didn't cough once the whole time I was on here again.
There is a unique airway sensation that feels like suddenly everything is becoming too wet, and before you can do more than notice it, the coughing fit starts, and the more you try to actually breathe, the harder and longer every cough spasm is drawn out, until the throat just locks into spasm and stays that way, as if you're choking to death and trying to clear something out of the way, and it's only a response to all the tissues suddenly wetting up. If it would just stop for a few seconds, the air would get in and out just fine, but since the entire airway system is suddenly extra wet, the entire airway system is what's setting it off with an uncontrollable reaction.
When I had CMV one year, there were about 3 days where I felt like I was drowning in lung fluid. I wasn't croupy, wasn't coughing up anything productive, airway was actually clear, but the tissues wetting up in response to the virus (CMV is a particular kind of mono that can hit your organs) kept saying otherwise. It was about the most traumatic kind of illness response I've ever been through, and ever since that happened, one of my airway responses to histamine spiking is exactly that. It didn't used to do that. I used to get croupy and you could hear the asthmatic crackle in my chest, and I actually managed to live for a couple of years with continual mild asthma before I found out that's what it was. Now it skips that and goes straight to feeling like someone set off a sprinkler system in my throat, setting off sudden horrible gag reflexive coughing.
There's no cure for a hyper responsive immune system. All I can do is force everything to calm down as much as possible. I'm packed and ready everywhere I go to handle out of the blue emergency airway response, even in my own home. I have lived at this level of readiness for so long now that I can't even imagine not having an epipen and bottle of prednisone and inhaler more than 20 feet from my body at any time day or night.
Some of you see me get cranky over TV shows where people hesitate to kill the bad guy and then things get worse. Pretty sure if any one of the people anywhere near Negan were hiding that they live at this level, he'd already be dead because they'd have just shot him as soon as he turned his back. I know if it comes down to it, like in a zombie apocalypse, I'm not going to wrestle with hesitation when I've already been living with spur of the moment staying alive on the fly before anything bad like that even happens.
I once sat in an ER with my blood pressure at 210/110 calmly flipping pages in a magazine while I was in full blown SVT galloping in my chest, 180 bpm. I would sooner shoot a guy like Negan than sit through the anxiety of watching him murder someone, and I know I'd be able to do it because I've lived through stuff Negan never had to. I do not understand how a whole group of people can be so docile just because someone tells them to be. You're gonna die anyway. Making deals with the devil for a few more days or maybe even one more year is fantastically lame.
By the way, I've watched someone clubbing puppies to death and know what it's like seeing brains squished out only a couple of feet away from me. I was about 9 or 10. Anyone who can calmly do that, much less enjoy it like Negan, is way past Lord of the Flies. Imagine seeing that happen to your child. I wonder how fast Rick and his gang would've stood back up if that had been Carl.
~45 minutes later~
Oopsie, wasn't watching the time. Was deep in a wiki page on Negan when @bonenado walked in, and I hadn't even put supper in the oven yet. I just wanted to see how Negan dies. Just shook my head and walked off. Walking Dead is such a chain yanker. Just do it, ya dopes. Stop this Days of our Lives crap.
This is my brain on a big load of antihistamines and pred. The fluid in my ears is all "Should I stay? Go?" and looking at me like I'm supposed to know what's going on. Um, sure, have some coffee and kick back, what the heck. Maybe ease up a bit on that weird itchy eardrum thing, though, thanks.
I need to walk away from this. There's actually cool stuff I'm not sharing yet, might be awhile bcuz gotta take care of thangs, but a few of us are getting pretty Lexxcited about it. This is me irl slugging through everything going wrong all the time but cool stuff coming out of it along the way. And dang it, suddenly sneezing my head off after taking all that. This is ridiculous.
Kinda liking this pred burst. (Another latex reaction.) Slept 4 hours the first night and then was up for 20 hours, slept 6 hours last night, now I'm bouncing around cleaning my whole house. Didn't realize how bad my ears were, I can hear again. The hard fibro shoulder neck stuff softened up. (Pred isn't supposed to 'work' on fibro, so I might've been in a low grade autoimmune flare.) My blood pressure dropped like a rock (122/75), so I'll have to monitor and space out my BP med.
This week has been a little too exciting, 22nd was my sploit's anniversary and the latex reaction, 23rd was end of the world and a great visit with psyche guy, today is maybe roofing crew and super zippy deep cleaning and clearing off my hard drive, tomorrow is my dad's birthday and more maybe more roofing noise. Got boxes mailed off, all the groceries stocked up again, want to spend the weekend catching up the spaceship reallocations and getting back on my writing track. I'm starting to write in spirals again because I've been on the road so much this month, so more scattering to gather and process.
My checkout lady at Walmart the other day was a very pretty Daniel Tosh lookalike. She could've been his sister. I can remember Daniel's face pretty good, since I've been watching his show for years. It was really hard not to walk around straightening up the waiting room at the clinic the other day. One of my many jobs at the hospital was stepping around sleeping families straightening up waiting rooms in the middle of the night, but I'm sure that would've creeped a few people out, lol. One woman left a crumpled kleenex in her chair to mark her place while she went to the bathroom, crazy genius idea I guess, but the other chairs around hers were empty, so when she came back to her spot and picked up her kleenex and sat down I had to look away so I wouldn't laugh. That was not a relaxed woman. She also sat the way my mom had trained me to sit, with my toes pointing to lift my thighs up a little so I could hold them together and look more ladylike. I went through all of middle and high school sitting like that, years of church, and there is no way I'm going through my old age sitting tense like that. I'm too tired. Boink a world that thinks I look disgusting slouched around in jeans. Take some chill pillz.
This pred is giving me some extra attitude today, isn't it? I've been extra smartassy with @bonenado, too. Everything is cracking me up, I'm in a really super good mood, probably because I feel better.
CAUTION- this is a whine post. Poke your eye with a fork before I do.
Last couple of days have felt like I got decked in the jaw. I even asked Scott (j/k, ok?) if he knocked me out because I wouldn't shut up or something and maybe I blacked out and don't remember it. (Srsly, I'm joking. Scott would be terrified of hitting me because he knows he'd have to kill me on the first blow.) (I'm still joking. We don't hit each other.) (Well... sometimes *I* hit. But I don't hurt him.) (Ok, it hurts a little.Sometimes.) (But I did break a door frame once.)
Pretty sure it's a cute little TMJ/trigeminal neuralgia/fibro flare over-response resulting from pred taper backlash, and possibly puffing up a salivary gland. If you've never had a salivary gland infection, you haven't truly lived. It is the hell of swollen glands because every move your jaw makes involves shooting pain and pressure that feels like strep, mono, and the ear infection from hell, even though it's not, it's just pressure on a nerve. I feel like I should be throwing knives and laughing maniacally when I score points. Other than that, I appear and move around and function normally, no fever, no other symptoms, which means it's probably not an infection, and that means the only way this pain will resolve is me waiting it out because it's a nerve flaring up. I need something to viciously stomp on and violently splat. It won't help me feel better, but at least I'll feel gleeful doing it. Yes, the visualizations HELP.
I'm so experienced shunting pain over onto a platform above a dark little hole I go into while I ignore stuff like this that I keep wanting to do something. Working on the book would be useless like this because I wouldn't be able to control venomously shredding everything I think into intensely dark drama, and then I'd have to toss and rewrite later. I've already destroyed myself watching "His Last Vow" again, best not make this swelling sensation worse with more blubbering after what I just did over John and Mary (omg, isn't that the sweetest scene EV-ER, I always lose it when Mary does).
Anyway, I'm prowling around screwing everything up that I touch because I can't stay focused through this pain, constantly dropping stuff (a can of tuna casually tossed itself across the kitchen when I lost my grip on the can opener, stuff like that), even nearly killed lappy spewing hot tea all over the keyboard when I choked weird (thank you, screaming drama queen nerve). About the time I give up and think there is nothing in this world that will make today ok in any way at all, I run smack dab into TREKLOCK. Guys, this is the kind of day I'm having.
Ok, first of all, thank God for fans. I'm only about 10 weeks into my Sherlock obsession and apparently I've already graduated to hardcore junkie. I haven't been this bad since Merlin. You guys really have no idea how hard and fast I can rip through everything a fandom has on the internet, it's like chasing xanax with espresso. I've already done at least 200 or more preemptive vid rescues just in case youtube pulls them, and that's just on the Sherlock/Khan fandoms. I saved less than 160 Merlin vids over a course of 18 months starting 3 years ago, so let's face it, I'm so far down the rabbit hole this time in just 10 weeks that the only thing we can even hope will pull me out is something else dragging me kicking and screaming.
Some of you will read something in my book down the road and think back on this day and wonder how in the world I can really restrain myself that much, because what's inside me is as black as octopus ink, and that's not what I want to be remembered for. This kind of pain on top of stuff makes me feel murderous.
This is my fave spaceship crash E V E R.
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Time passed. It's worse. Since I've been through years of nerve pain, it's more pissing me off than anything. Since I found actual swelling now, maybe I'll go get antibiotic tomorrow if it's not any better. I've never had to get antibiotic after pred because I'm an over the top germ phobe, but since there's a Bunny in my life now, anything is possible.
I didn't catch where this actually came from because it goes to this
but it's the most brilliant crossover I've seen today out of hundreds of fan concoctions. You can click to a treasure chest filled with piles of fan gold and look for it if you want, good luck finding your way out of there.
Did I mention I love fans? I love fans. You guys get me through so much stuff.
Kind of in freefall getting ready for another possibly crazy weekend.
Dreamed last night all the Brady grandkids got back together in the original Brady house, and I was upstairs watching them mildly fuss between little groups of them gaming and doing drugs. I stole someone's sandwich and was halfway wolfing it down before I realized it had mayo in it and I'd better get on the benadryl, because lemon. Even in my dreams I'm allergic.
One of my dreams was about parts of the earth being scorched off by rivaling corporations wiping out potential profits before anyone else could capitalize and gain more leverage. It wasn't cryptic at all, very straightforward, like gaming gone out of control into real life. I generally don't get involved in eco-anything and usually don't care to have opinions beyond we're where we are and things are gonna go down sooner or later given all the variables and I'm not going to stress my head out because there's not much I can do to change ~that~. My psychologist used to call me a doom and gloomer, a cynic, but I staunchly defend pessimism as being healthier than optimism when the world falls through. At least I have contingency options to fall back on, like surviving instead of crying.
Here, #TBT, quick, what is this creature? You can't find it anywhere now, it's extinct. Yes, even from the internet. Gone. It used to be part of an interactive online game.
Me coming off prednisone isn't pretty. Wired tired super aspie wading in from a week-long forced hormone surge, not a great time to talk to me. But when is, right?
Continuing theme from last night. I need to go wrap my head around something before I get stuck like this. Thought about finding a fractal vid, but I would definitely get stuck in that, better steer clear and keep moving.
Here it comes, awake since 1:30, finally got up at 2:30, it's only 3 and I'm ready to punch that coffee maker on.
The last 24 hours I've juggled a few people, weighed priorities, kinda felt like triage. I'm not complaining because this means I actually have people in my life who choose me to listen. I was nearly called on the carpet for not responding quickly enough in public yesterday by a person who hasn't yet taken the time to get to know me that well, which doesn't mean I don't care, but... sometimes ya gotta wait in line.
This is a reminder of who I am and the personality you're dealing with, especially in case you've not stalked all my blogs. (Some have. Bless you.) This is from one of my posts at Surveypalooza.
If your best friend came to you depressed and upset like you’ve never seen before, how would you react?
This has happened. Situations like this are why I don’t have friends. I need a t-shirt that says “I Suck”, because with the Asperger’s it takes at least 3 months for the ‘oh…’ to hit and realize what I should have done and said. Hmm, can’t believe how many different kinds of I Suck tees came up on a search… I’m forever stepping innocently into the offensive without a thought or clue. It’s kind of like when I wanted to find Black Rocks (a chicken breed) and my search bar autocorrected to black cocks, which I thought would also be chickens. And one time I looked up ‘chicken fanciers’ because there are dog and cat breed fanciers, right? I learned a LOT that day. Wo, free associated right off this question into sexland. See, this is why I suck as a friend, I really can’t stay in the moment with your sadness.
Let us distract ourselves.
Most of our 'stuff' starts with this.
Then it turns into this.
It doesn't take long to arrive here.
Eventually, all experiences stop entertaining us.
We kinda sorta try to get more involved and creative.
Some of us seem to get into a few squirmishes.
Some of us go on self discovery missions.
And some of us learn how to lead the way through the badlands of despondency.
Some of us get a little lost.
In the end it's all good.
One of my survival skillz is remembering that whatever is sucking for me at the moment 1- I know someone who is having a way suckier day, or at least I would if I paid a little attention, and 2- I've had suckier days myself. I won't go into details, except to say that this works exceptionally well if you've ever met someone with 3/4 of their face burned off in a house fire.
I haven't brought this up because I really don't wanna sound whiny, but I may as well jump on the bandwagon. I'm sure this is going to sound really trivial compared to several of you going through worse right now, but I want to add my voice to the night.
My front tooth hurts right up into the root and feels slightly loose and I have this irrational fear it will slide right out.
There, I said it. I know it's just the prednisone. I've even figured out it's partly from all that hard fast swelling I went through with the latex dust reaction in that shoe store the other day, and maybe now the pred has shrunk the swelling and that nerve is in shock or something, I dunno. It's just scary that walking into a shoe store could actually swell tissue around the bones in my face so hard that it takes emergency meds to make it stop, you know?
I live on the edge every day. I never know when the next reaction will be. This has been going on for several years, and I've learned that there is nothing like a good scare to wake a person up. Fear can be a very healthy motivator. It makes us get up and move and save our lives. At least, that's what it's intended to do. I'm a nervous wreck about 23 hours a day, but I'm finding that channeling this unique kind of energy into a variety of directions keeps me out of despondency.
Despondency is as much a bad habit as a mood. It's a chemical addiction in our brains. It encourages other addictive behaviors. It's self destructive and sheds to other people, rippling despondency throughout the universe. I'm not saying anyone is bad for being despondent. I'm also not saying snap out of it, because I know from experience that's really hard, if not impossible. In fact, people who've never experienced something to 'snap out of' should fear people actually snapping out of something, because snapping is snapping. Don't be snapping out of stuff and flipping like a crazy rubber band into an alt dimension, ok? Go gradual.
People are real bad to put off getting help until things become emergencies. I know people who put off going to doctors for little twingey stuff and then found out they were in stage defcon cancer and had a couple months to live. I know several people who put off talking to a counselor or even family and friends about depression until their private self destruction turned into emergency room crises. I know so many people who stay in the dark nursing grievances, wounds, hurts, worries, anger, and fears because they're paralyzed with despondency. warning signs
Years go by. Even ten years. I'm seeing some of the same people in the same dark places they were in when I met them. Nothing has changed, except that time has been lost, age has crept in, and the bitterness has deepened.
You know I've already been in those dark places, right? You know I can't go back in there and hold your hands and nurse you in your despondencies, right? Because if I go back in, we'll just go deeper till we die. There's no coming back out if I go in with you. That's how deep I was.
When I first went public with all my stuff about 8 years ago, it was a really big deal to be honest on the internet. Eight years doesn't seem like that long, but in that time I've seen remarkable progress in information sharing about some of the most taboo head stuff imaginable. It's becoming more and more ok all the time to talk about our stuff. When I first started, I stumbled around a lot, unsure, without direction, just needing to say my stuff to the internet because I couldn't say it to real people. I didn't need validation or consoling or attention, I needed to say it. We all need to say our stuff.
There were people from my past who literally stalked everything I did back then, maybe afraid I'd be too honest or something, and I've noticed not a single one of them has ever done anything public of their own besides dabbling. Not picking on anyone, but back in the day I knew the IPs well (proxies make this much harder now), a handful hitting my Bluejacky blog so regularly for so long that I wondered if I should make contact and check on a few of them, because obviously something was bothering them, but decided in the end that would be unhealthy and they must find their own paths. I'm still not sure what being stalked like that means, but I do still think of them.
It's very scary to talk about our stuff. People punish or ridicule us when we share too much. They tell us to get a grip, get a life, get over it. They tell us we embarrass them. We even punish ourselves. It's like we're trained to hurt ourselves if other people don't. Or maybe we were the mean ones behind the masks and know a few people who would love to get some real dirt back on us, so we just never talk about our real stuff.
Some people think I'm very brave. Or just stupid. Doesn't matter. I'm dealing with my head my way. I don't care if people see it or not. It's easier not trying to hide it. It's easier not wearing a mask. It's easier learning to balance my head in such a way that I'm not dumping toxic waste or taking sides or being defensive. I'm not sure yet how to be more there for other people. I know I have truly appreciated those who've been there for me, so I'm practicing. I think we mostly just want to know we're not alone, so we lurk through the dark keeping our eyes on each other.
Anyway, if anyone feels neglected today and I'm kinda sucking as a friend, I've got this weird tooth sensation hogging my concerns, and my job is to not to let it get outa hand. Anyone who's been on a phone with me during an acute anxiety attack fully appreciates me stepping back and doing stuff like beating rugs half to death instead of pretending I'm ok on the internet. If I'm not ok for me, I'm probably not ok for you.
Yes, I just spent 4 hours playing on the internet while I wrote this post up. It kept me from annoying Scott before he left for work, it kept me focused on doing something, it kept me from thinking about myself, yet I'm still touching base in case particular family or friends feel the need to see what's up.
Now I need a PLAN. Yesterday went pretty awesome for being such a plan fail, all the laundry and dishes got done so at least I wasn't curled up in a ball. I like hiding in my bed. I have blackout curtains and I put my headphones on. I used to stay like that for hours, but over the years the anxiety has taken over and keeps booting me back into a standing position, so I haven't been able to properly pursue my dreams of lethargy and stagnation. Nowadays I make a Plan every day, usually just a few small scale priorities with Plan B options, and it's amazing how much a person can actually get done inching along the day doing little things here and there. Over a few years new habits are forged and become automatic, and then you look back at 5 years ago stunned at how ineffectual you used to be. No big overnight challenges, no conquering New Year's goals, just little stuff adding up. My whole life has changed dramatically a molecule at a time.
From one of my fave movies Death Becomes Her. You'd laugh if you knew how close I came to this one year, sans cats.
I just know I'm never going back into the dark. I can't face stagnation death.
Super thrilled that my fasting blood sugar is still coming down to 86 in between being spiked up a bit all day long the last 3 days on the prednisone. Even avoiding carbs my blood sugar has been staying up near 200 for 10-12 hours, usually doesn't do it that long, so by the time I can finally have a little salad dressing on some real salad, I'm pretty sick of nibbling cheese. Even the $20 a pound cheese. Losing weight again is nice, though.
Still fighting with my phone trying to get a single picture to my laptop. Still falling for the old nvidia card blackout when lappy plays tricks on me. Hello, Monday. This is me staring at my tech. Click it for more Monday fun on pinterest.
Oh, here we go, me on the prednisone.
@bonenado would like this one.
Ok, where was I originally going with this? Oh, yeah. I have a list of internet grunge chores to do today, and I better get on them because they are backlogging the same way the long countertop in my kitchen is getting buried under everything I keep moving every time Bunny comes over. Oh, here we go, finally got ONE picture through since last night. She felt pretty big in her new life vest.
Work music. This?
Or this?
Neither one is doing it, I need something stronger.
