For those not familiar with Albert Einstein's The World as I See It (scroll down past the intro- there's a lot, the guy was a blogger before his time), this is actually the mindset under which I was raised and why I've struggled with the chess board all my life.
In human freedom in the philosophical sense I am definitely a disbeliever. Everybody acts not only under external compulsion but also in accordance with inner necessity. Schopenhauer's saying, that "a man can do as he will, but not will as he will," has been an inspiration to me since my youth up, and a continual consolation and unfailing well-spring of patience in the face of the hardships of life, my own and others'. This feeling mercifully mitigates the sense of responsibility which so easily becomes paralysing, and it prevents us from taking ourselves and other people too seriously; it conduces to a view of life in which humour, above all, has its due place. To inquire after the meaning or object of one's own existence or of creation generally has always seemed to me absurd from an objective point of view.
My dad simplified 'free will' down to 'predestination', and at the time of my car wreck, it ruled his head so strongly that he didn't feel the need to morally support me living through something that should have killed me, because my continued life was obviously God-willed. I've spent the last 30 years swimming through oceans of pain regarding the way God-willed healing took place, at home without any doctors or pain meds.
People who marry into 'old German' families adapt or die. You toughen up. You think your way through your problems, and you blow off whatever gets in your way that isn't 'necessary'.
Jones sifted all that down into one sentence- "Hope is the luxury of those unburdened by fate."
I, simply put, have never been burdened by hope and actually seem to thrive where hopelessness is concerned.
Anyway, if you've never read Einstein's synopsis of life, the universe, and everything, it's worth a read (get a snack, it's kind of long). Personally, I would love to be able to get Einstein's take on the 12 Monkeys (cool recap, big spoiler warning).
We've come a long way since Einstein. Well, my dad hasn't, but I ripped a new timeline and here I am. This links back, but I also wrote about it.
I'm feeling kind of random, so this was a writing prompt. Usually when I'm feeling this random I wind up getting killed by something like that little cube robot down there, because it's so tempting to try to wrest away something as cool as a block of gold. But as soon as I'd go down, at least one of the snakes would poison me during the fight, and the bear and spider would jump in, and who knows what else is lurking behind a tree, and then I'd die and lose my /back to the jungle treehouse because I haven't yet mapped out how to clear out one of my 3 /home options to make a new one. Life is so complicated sometimes...
Hope and fate are just words. There's the whole "no fate but what we make" thing from Terminator (fave), which I agree with because when everything boils down, it's about being obsessed enough with something to make stuff happen differently than it's rolling out.
How badly do you want it? I ask myself this every day, and have since 2012. It's been a living mantra all my life, but I put it into words in my head in 2012. I've talked about how I started making my plan for change in 2008, how I've spent years getting off addictive meds and going through physical therapy and practicing writing for public. All of this has been very hard. How badly do I want it? I wanna eat the world and own it.
I have been seeing myself as a timeline changer, a history changer for many years, ever since I learned to look differently at raising a stepchild and accidentally being right on time to save someone's life. If I'd died in that wreck, I wouldn't have been here to change those things. If my mom had carried her first child to term, I'd never have been born since I was conceived after she lost it and before it would have been born. I have thought of these things for so very long that I can't help believing I'm still here to change more stuff. My purpose is to knock history onto new tracks, to shift timelines, to change the world around me.
We are all doing that, you know. Most people just can't even imagine seeing it like that. This here and now is our opportunity to make things happen, to change what we wish would change, even if it's very hard and takes a long time.
Someone once told me I watch too much TV. That was at a time when I barely saw any TV at all because I was so flat broke that I was walking to work, and I was asking that person for help with a domestic abuse problem. That person, that one sentence, was such powerful motivation for me. I've been pissed ever since. I'm going to change the world.
This is for all the people who've ever gotten in my way, and I have to say, I do love Katarina Jones. It's been nearly a year since I found this Khirk vid. Bless the person who made it, because it really helps my head on the hard days.
Waking up at 2:30 a.m. from a dream where I promised someone I'd order and raise 49,511 chicks (49,511???) into layers for them and then realizing in my dream that I had no money for capital and investment for the chick order, the feed they'd require, the building I'd need (I've lived on a farm with long, empty chicken houses from the previous owner, so I already have a clue), plus the hardware (feeders, waterers) and the electricity and all the gadgets that would entail, and dang if I didn't come full awake actually doing math.
I was insane thinking that plan to tunnel to 0,0 from the -8000s would be a cinch. I can tell you things about acres of lava and miles of cobblestone that would make you hate minecraft forever. I think the game is psychic, it can feel when I'm my most frustrated and disgusted and spawns big gobs of ores to run into, and alla sudden I'm getting 50 blocks of gold and diamonds and all the other stuff around them. I ran into someone else's settlement that turned out to be part of our own township that I had no clue existed (I died in lava and temporarily lost my "/back" to home base, so I popped out on top to see the countryside for a few minutes, talk about total coinkydink), and way after that ran into someone else's super long unclaimed tunnels that for some reason left all the coal intact and never seemed to lead back out anywhere, which got boring real quick, so after I nabbed the coal I just kept plowing my own path through the bottom of the world.
I kept seeing this guy die over and over in the chat log, cracked me up, finally had to get a screen shot.
Anyway, I'm in the -2000s now *dull cheer*. I am getting super rich, though. I've got so many blocks of redstone that I'm thinking about building a Chinese restaurant. I mean, I NEVER see anyone build with redstone, it would be pretty awesome. And I've got 3 double trunks of cobblestone, so I'm thinking about paving the valley between the village and my evil lair and going crazy building a mall or something.
I've gotta get back into the tunnel. Be careful with your grills, guys. (Memorial Day weekend in the States.)
I wrote this first bit yesterday afternoon around 4ish.
This whole encrypted thing blogger has switched to isn't solving any problems on my end. I'm still getting the same bot hits on the same stuff. I know, it wasn't meant for that, but it would've been nice. It's all about protecting reader privacy (Google, who owns Blogger, is the one tracking your cookies), not about protecting the content creator from bug hacks. I've got 5 different app crawlers visiting regularly now. Thank goodness they're still pretty much on the more respectable side of hitchhiking.
I feel like whining lots more, but I told my head only if it can fit it into limericks. We're at a stand off. It's pretty serious when my head refuses to pop out a few limericks. Nope, we can't even settle on youtube. It's bad. I think this is about as close to absolutely stalemated as my head and body have ever come. I'm sure I've had much worse days, but the pain and depression stuff always stayed just enough off balance that one or the other could be cajoled.
In the meantime, in the darkest back corner of my head, a laugh starts to snicker, then cackle, and is now practicing its MWAHAHAs in the mirror. This, this is where the evil lurks back out of the shadows, during the stalemate that keeps the rest of my head deadlocked in disagreement.
Oh, here it comes...
I ran on and on in the snow
I looked over every meadow
I climbed every part
And dug to the heart
Looking for more I could know
I tried every corner I could
Ran up and down every wood
I knew there must be
An original key
To unlock a mind
Like a map left to find
Wherever a person once stood
And once it was found
My heart was unwound
By the most amazing chateau
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now it is today.
My dream last night was absolutely ridiculous. My dad had arranged an end of world hunker down in bunkers kind of drama that would last at least a year, and I was put in charge of inventory. (I'm really good at inventory.) As I was running perimeter one last time before lockdown, I discovered that our plan had escalated into the surrounding populace joining in, and our tidy hidey hole bunker was now raggedly rimmed with vehicles and tents and groups of people and dogs that definitely made the entire thing look like a newsworthy shanty town, and I was a little more than upset that none of these people had thought to bring their own year's supply of food. I was about to go back inside perimeter and report to my dad when I woke up, and I can't even tell you the relief.
My childhood wasn't quite that bad, but the stories I grew up with bordered on that level of tension, yes. We lived on a sustainable farm and grew most of our own food, which we processed all by ourselves, and by most I really do mean everything but peanut butter and vanilla. We also bought 8 gallon jars of raw honey from a special farm once a year, too. Stuff like that. I grew up expecting the end of the world because that's how my dad played minecraft in real life.
So. Minecraft. I'm still struggling with actually building a real house. I finally chose a place, and when I started building, it all started turning into an evil lair. Which is cool, I love it, but a house. A designated living area. I have a place ready, but it's been what, a couple weeks? And I haven't been able to start on it yet for some reason.
I ran off to the mines again to think, and spent several days mining the biggest acreage of obsidian beds you ever saw. That got old after awhile, plus I have no idea what to do with the obsidian because I want a lighter colored house, not another bunker that is so dark I need glowing eyes to see anything. Ug.
So I ran back to singleplayer, then found out our old realm was back up and ran off to it. Did some cool stuff, but man, what I'm really really good at is establishing bunkers. I tried really hard to build a little house, really I did, but it turned into more like a meet up hangout than a house. I mean, it's cool and all, but it's not a house.
I'm hung up. I can't seem to actually build a real house. Everything in me resists it. I almost can't wrap my head around just throwing some walls and a roof up and calling it mine. All I know is that I want a whole wall of stained glass and light colored floors and a very high airy ceiling. I want to feel like a billionaire with nothing better to do than to drink something very expensive and gaze up at the stained glass while I talk to a pet fish in a little pool sunk into the floor.
What I finally found yesterday goes far beyond any evil design I ever came up with. The organization alone, the dedication to project, the extensive amount of work that went into the very careful owning all the things. It's the most powerful house-tree-person representation I've ever seen in my life. I bow to the sheer vision whispering explosions through my mind.
I came reeling away going that. THAT. That might have been something I could have dreamed of building if I'd had the vision, but my own vision is so stunted and corrupted by my childhood that I keep running and spelunking bunkers through all the worlds.
Imagine the two of us together. The two extremes. Two secret evils mirroring opposites in each other. The truly amusing thing to all of this is the quiet one behind the scenes hides the most stunning stuff, and the blabby one splashing around the interwebs hides in bunkers behind the scenes. Y'all can see my head. You open that door and you get a bazooka in your face. You do not want to open that other door. There is so much more than a puny little bazooka lurking in that head.
Yesterday convinced me I'd made the right decision. Come hell or high water, a few things are going to start changing.
You remember this song? I found this last summer and it became my survival mechanism through all the things crashing down in my head. All the Americans missing what yesterday's post meant, omg you have no idea. Several fans around the world started combing my blogs again. They know it's on.
I haven't slept this much in ages. I think I've gotten as much sleep in the last 7 days as I have in the last month.
We made it up through the end of season 2 in the Sherlock marathon and called it quits for now. Never yet caught up on Doctor Who. We decided we're getting so burned out on the slam of new TV shows piling up in the DVR that we went through the timer list and deleted 15 of them. We don't have netflix, hulu, or amazon prime, just Dish, and even then there's a whole slew of channels we just don't get, like HBO and Starz, and STILL we're burned out on new shows. Definitely not like the old days (ten years ago, haha) when we twiddled our thumbs watching reruns.
I've been doing my thinky planny stuff, though. There have been meetings and executive decisions and lots and lots of coffee.
One of the discussions brought up in conference is that I have been extremely overextending myself. I assessed my time management and decided there is no way I can continue the TWD live tweet review AND do the writing I really want to do for Lexxperience during the 20th anniversary (I've had 1400 hits in the last 4 days by people around the world who take my writing very seriously, I'd be ~stupid~ not to put more time into my own hobby after neglecting it so long) AND keep organizing and working on material I'd prefer getting published sooner rather than later. Plus there are other things I want to write that I'm much more excited about than The Walking Dead.
When I came up with my plan to 'game' social media 3 1/2 years ago, I had very specific goals and wrote out a mission statement. I've decided it's time I stop detracting and undermining my own efforts with jaunts into lesser projects that I wind up spending several days a week on. Also, I refuse to cut out family time to pursue my goals, so since I must make time cuts somewhere, it simply has to be the amount of time I spend checking on feeds and timelines.
New year, new ways of doing things. All PMs and DMs are now my discretion only. There is nothing personal behind me ignoring private contact. I make just about everything in my life public sooner or later, friends and family across the States and around the world can check any time and see what's going on in my life without me having to stop and answer questions.
I'm currently listening to the Vienna Philharmonic while I wait for the Sherlock special. I used to listen to music like this all the time. It's wonderful just having it going in my background tonight. And it's about to start now, so brb....
~~~~~~~~~~~
And I never came back because I fell asleep again.
Scott's up, and we are listening to a DIY TV show with a table saw going at 4:20 a.m. +_+ This could be a long day.
The Sherlock special was beautifully layered last night. We paused a jillion times to excitedly compare notes. All these years with @bonenado, and we finally have a show we both equally tear into together, side by side like pro intellectual wrestlers. It really is a shame we don't do our own little podcast about it, because Scott's pretty awesome with canon details and comparing all the version character and story styles, and I'm pretty awesome at spotting every little bitty detail as we watch and remembering past episodes, plus I'm not just any Moffat fan, I'm a Moffat conquering the world fan, and what we saw last night topped every Sherlock ever written or made, or marketed. Moffat and Gatiss, in my opinion, are the most intellectually savvy writers on the planet. Anyone who can't see the whole picture of what they are doing are nothing more than brain level proletarians to me. I just insulted 99.99% of the world.
One of the list of blogs I read that I get email delivery on is Stone City Blogs. I highly recommend it for anyone who is bored, whiny, or otherwise frustrated over the little things this year. It's one of the first things I see every morning, and therefore usually my incentive boost for the day.
I've danced around the whole it's not you it's me thing for months, and then ok, it's you for a few more weeks, and then back to but I own that it's really me through the holidays, and now I just give up. What part of plz to stop poking the tiger in the cage can't be understood is beyond me, but if I don't rise above this NOW, I will forever be bogged in it. And I do admit I create the monsters around me because I am one of the most naive people on the planet. I've mentioned over and over that even my psychologist says I'm easily led and that I've gotten professional advice from a publicist to simply not respond, and what do I do? I respond. And then I get all pissed off because someone yanked my chain again. The whole crabapple thing was very real. If I'm triggering that easily, it's time to rethink how easily I fall for enabler relationships that wind up triggering my claws. Dealing with it delicately on a public blog is the only thing not making it worse so far. This is something I've been privately contacted about a number of times over several months by concerned readers who see everything that goes on in real time on social medias and understand the dynamics of what is happening, and while I appreciate some of the attempts to help me keep my balance, I fear that talking about this any more will only make it harder to sheath the claws, so going forward, I'll not mention this any more. This is it. I'm done with the poking mechanism and I'll simply no longer respond to it here, there, or anywhere.
I really love this song. People who don't get this visual, the character set up, the ship, and this song don't get me at all.
Need. Jam. Stat. Here's to 2015. Waving goodbye to the sadness and angst, although it was enlightening and, once again, life changing. Finally worked through my stuff. In full public view!!! I've come a really long way.
Coffee going in. Bunny countdown on. Wakey wakey, little brain. One more day. Bring it on, 2016.
Braincation is going pretty well, I think. The Sherlock marathon isn't moving along as quickly as I'd hoped because I keep falling asleep, but I'm glad because I'm making up for last week and gearing up for next week. I just had one of the most interactive and wonderful Christmases I've ever had in my adult life (we've been through some really sad and awful Christmases), and all this catching up napping is pretty awesome, too.
I think I've done a New Year's Eve look back through the years, but I don't think I've done New Year's Day.
1/1/2008- I had been through 6 weeks of hellish CMV infection over holidays and didn't know I was on my way further down the black hole, but hey, optimism can't hurt, right?
It's amazing how quickly we adapted to that new 22" monitor and didn't even realize it. We took the Westinghouse back yesterday and have a Samsung on order. In the meantime, going back to this little 17" feels like we're back in the Stone Age. Wild. Here we were fussing about the 22" and we already miss it. But Scott didn't like that brand, either.
I'm feeling pretty optimistic about this new year. I'm drug free again, excepting for the basics-- blood pressure, thyroid, birth control. Feeling not half bad because I'm back in balance controlling the fibromyalgia and stomach problems. Not particularly bouncing around the house, but getting things done and feeling like life might be getting a little more fun again.
Over that last week watched Mr. Bean's Holiday-- sploit, I highly recommend that one.
Oddly, the ol' crochet itch is making a comeback. Wonder if that'll result in anything. And it's a good sign, because I had so much trouble with my hands since the Bell's that I had to stop embroidering, crocheting, beading, and even writing letters. Seems to all be coming back a bit. Hope it lasts.
Also regaining an interest in my websites. Hadn't checked my trackers in months and was pleasantly surprised to see that my Lexx site has been visited from over 15 countries during the holidays. Still having cool ideas about a new chicken blog. Have been doing a little myspace work today on the Eddie Izzard space (thanx for those pjs, sploit, made a cool background... haha) and my other blog, doing some more tossing out and simplifying, so I'll just paste the rest of what I'm thinking over from there.
Hope you all have an outstanding 2008.
Rang out the old year with homemade popcorn balls and POTC monopoly (Scott is a real gloater, watch that guy), and Dick Clark dropping the ball, as it were. Brought in the freezing cold 11 degree wind chill new year with bacon and homemade cinnamon rolls, and cool new stuff. New black toile on pink satin pjs with Eddie Izzard's Dress to Kill dvd tucked inside from my sploit (just about the most clever gift I think I've ever received), a huge new makeup collection for only $15 yesterday on a red tag sale at Penney's with a gift card, and a bunch of really nice winter sox by St. John's Bay for only $1 a pair. Beat that, Walmart. Watching the Tournament of Roses parade now.
:edit: In the event you caught that parade today, it opened with my alma mater, Pride Marching Band - Bands - Missouri State University, which has one of the top bands in the nation and always put on spectacular shows. Today they intro'd the Tournament of Roses president and Grand Marshall Emeril Lagasse. Also in the event that you caught any of the parade reruns on the Travel Channel and happened to see a text 'holla' that said "Scott ur the bomb", that was me, ha.
1/1/2009- I didn't blog anything privately throughout January but I do have extensive notes in February. I was public blogging surveys back then to get through because I'd been so very ill all year and was still sinking. On January 4th I published this one, which I later moved to Surveypalooza for better mobile viewing. from old to new survey I can't say enough for silly surveys keeping me going through some really bad stuff, although that is one of my more boring ones. I started picking up a bit later in 2009 when new Trek sent me through a spectacular rant, and then I disappeared again into private blogging in 2010.
1/1/2010- I actually did this. Seriously. I kept egg charts on my chickens through 2009. That's how desperate I was for distraction in real life.
In 2009, my 5 hens laid a total of 785 eggs.
Jaizzy- 131
Macy- 230
Dooney- 294
Spencer- 99
Bean- 29
Dooney and Macy never went into molt. Spencer and Jaizzy both went through two different molts within the year. Bean went into a partial molt and still hasn't grown some of the feathers back, even after two months.
Jaizzy is several years old and lays gigantic eggs. She's a Production Red cross between New Hampshire and Leghorn who is getting arthritic, but still otherwise very healthy with lush feathers and clean skin. She had Fowl Pox a couple of years ago but didn't seem to suffer any problems from it. She's 'wild' and lives in her own pen, but very set in her habits and now allows Scott to pick her up. She will eat snakes, frogs, and lizards, and can fight like a pro.
Macy is a Black Australorp, a breed famous for being prolific egg layers, solid black from beak to toenail (excepting her comb and wattles). She missed one week of laying this year for unknown reasons, but picked right back up. She's never seemed sick, and she is the top of the pecking order. Her eggs have steadily increased in size until they are nearly as big as Jaizzy's. Very tame, allows petting, walks at my feet, inspects everything we do.
Dooney is a California White, a cross between Leghorn and California Black, bred to be super producers. She is mostly white with a few random black flecks, very energetic, very enthusiastic about food, particular about her nest, and always the first to try to fly out the pen door. She dusts vigorously and will get muddy like a pig trying to dust in wet dirt. In spite of frequently looking very dirty, she lays pretty white eggs, all identical every day right down to the small bulge near the pointy end. She lays through all kinds of weather extremes like a machine.
Spencer is a Brown Leghorn, a fancy breed that looks more like a wild chicken, and certainly acts like one. High strung, preferring natural wild food, obedient to 'herding' only when she feels the need to be part of the group. Panics easily, gets sick easily (seems to be anxiety-induced), but lays *big* pearl colored eggs with very pointy ends and giant yolks inside. If she didn't have a henhouse, she would roost in the trees, and if we had a rooster she'd probably go broody and hatch chicks out in the woods. She can fly 100 feet, and bursts into flight like a cross between quail and pheasants.
Bean is an anomaly. She is a Speckled Sussex, a quiet breed supposed to be a steady layer and good for brooding and hatching chicks, but 'twas not to be with the Bean. I believe she suffered an internal injury or illness of some kind that destroyed her ovaries. She laid very tough shelled small eggs for one month before suddenly expelling a mass of crumbly stones, and has never laid again since, and doesn't seem inclined to start back up or even care to sit on a nest. I can't tell if she's ill, seems fine and eats good. She keeps up ok with the others, but definitely low Bean on the totem pole. Just keeping her around as a pet, see what happens with her.
I'm not going to average how many eggs per month or week comes from 785 since each chicken is so different, and some of them have problems. I assume the egg production for Jaizzy will continue to go down a little over the next year, and that Bean will never lay again. Have no idea about Spencer or whether the other two will actually go into a molt of some kind or just continue to slow molt a couple of feathers at a time while they continue laying. But, I'm also not going to keep count during 2010 to compare to this year. Got a bit old about 6 months into it, and would probably be more fun if I had a bigger flock of chickens to run stats and charts on for fun. But I think we can see that I had pretty good production out of the ones advertised for that, and without experimentation with more of their own kind and changes in feed and whatnot, I couldn't be sure what affects it. The one thing that happened this year that stopped all laying instantaneously was finding a snake in the nest, but once a fake egg was put in the nest, they mostly resumed back to normal. Other than that, and besides actual molting, I can't point to weather, temperature, free ranging vs. staying in, or any particular foods that make laying better. I can tell the chickens ~feel~ better with more fats, non-grain proteins, and greens in their diet than just chicken feed, and they seem psychologically more 'up' when they can get out and run and scratch a bit. The fact that Jaizzy is still producing as much as she is might be testimony to good health care. Another point worth mentioning is that none of my chickens have ever picked up lice or mites from the wild birds around here. I've never had to treat them for parasites or infections, they've never had shots or antibiotics or medications in their feed. I've lost previous chickens to unknown illness that could only be ovarian tumor or possibly eating something like a carpenter nail. And foxes.
Enough of the chicken and egg report. Probably far too obsessed with it, but at least I've learned a few things.
1/1/2011 "2011 revolutions"
Some changes I'll prolly be making over the coming year, although I hesitate to prioritize them into my life as resolutions.
Unsub from the 'patriotic resistance' league of super heroes who have nothing better to do all day than reprint articles off other websites and freak out about them. Two years of people freaking out across the nation is enough to last me a lifetime. I seem to be the only one who understands the tongue in cheek sarcasm I do about the death of our nation as we know it and the end of the world. It's like the joke on the Futurama 4-parter about the spacetime rip showing up, the people screaming in the streets for two weeks until they're exhausted and can barely breathe out a quiet 'aaahh...'
Start ~really~ throwing stuff away. Had a good talk with Scott today about going through the trash to pull things out that he might be able to get a quarter for at a yard sale, like a half skein of yarn I've had for 20 years. If I haven't used it in 20 years, I'll NEVER use it, and anyone else so badly needing to buy it at a yard sale is really pathetic, and Scott would only be enabling them, after holding onto it in the basement for another 5-10 years first, making him even more pathetic than they are. Yeah, throwing stuff away.
On a last year's resolution success note, I have successfully stopped all paid magazine subscriptions from coming through the mail over the last 6 months by refusing to renew anything. What a relief.
Just a quickie coming through, still working on the letter, right around the part about the blue jello.
This came a couple days later. I edited loads of stuff out, but you can probably figure that out.
Such a joy being married into this family. So many good years down the drain. ...
Several errands to run while I'm out. Library, post office, Scott needs 'teeth glue'. Contemplating getting my hair trimmed somewhere other than Walmart. Seriously, I look like a troll doll with short hair on the back of my head. If I greased my hair back I'd look like the Fonz.
Oh, yeah, I forgot I was going to make his family imaginary this year. They don't really exist, it's a figment of my imagination.
Thought I'd take a look back at last year about this time, see what's changed.
1- The little cedar tree behind the deck is gone.
2- Started last year with a ton of snow, nothing this year.
3- I was running sci-fi marathons, this year I'm doing cooking show marathons.
4- I was on antibiotic for swollen glands, and going through that awful neck pain and nasty headaches. This year (so far) is much nicer compared to that.
5- The nurse of the corn made my life a living nightmare, this year I have a new doctor.
6- Went out to eat for new year's, this year nothing.
7- Chickens were laying real good last year at this time, this year nothing at all.
8- Last year a bunch of Florida manatees died of unknown cause, this year Arkansas blackbirds and drumhead fish are dying by the thousands around an area having lots of tiny earthquakes. Maybe a lotta methane and CO2 bubbles are suffocating them or something.
9- --- smashed furniture in gram's house last year, this year he's an angel after punching his mom in the face.
10- Last year we were still breaking ice off the water dishes, this year they're all electric.
11- Last year I could walk out in the bitter cold without having an asthma attack right away. This year I don't go out at all if it's under 30 degrees.
12- --- blew up all over Scott last year. A whole year has gone by and he's still not confronting her, even though we now know the reason last year with her was so bad was because she was boozing on the sly.
13- The neighbor who caught his house on fire down the street across from us is gone now because he died a few months ago.
That was just the first couple of weeks of January last year. I think we've had more change over this last year than nearly all the other years we've lived here.
I'm totally stalling. I need to eat breakfast and wash my hair and get ready to go.
1/1/2012 "the 'stuck in the middle with you' song has been on my mind all day"
I won't share, but we rang in the new year playing board games in an office a young PTSD Iraq vet had moved into because he was terrified to live in his own house for some reason. I just wanna go on public record for being there as a mother-in-law that night when his own mother wasn't. The next few months got pretty rough for him.
1/1/2013 Bunny was in the oven and Twink was moving in and out and Xanga had turned my life upside down... I finally got those new glasses just a few months ago, lol.
I've got to spend January going through the stacks of stuff I cleaned off the table and counter and just dumped into bags. All my medicare stuff, mostly. Nearly have all my old medical paid off now, only $200 left on one bill from 2011. First time in ages. Want to start saving money back for new glasses. Will be 3 years around May. Get organized on where my money will go this coming year so I don't overspend.
12/31/2014 That's today! Pinky blog hits finally ripped passed Pinky Stuff on SyfyDesigns this last fall. I look back on projections I had in 2012 and fall over laughing. I had no idea I would be doing all the stuff I'm doing now.
We have Bunny all day long. I've been up since 5 a.m. and I'll probably be in bed by sundown. I'll probably be back up in the wee hours tomorrow morning, like I was last year. I'm going to call my bluff and raise me double or nothing. Can't wait to see what 2016 is going to bring. Oh, yeah, another full Bunny day on Saturday. You guys won't be seeing me much, lol.
I'm still calling this week a braincation. Sorry social medias, I'm being mowed flat by a 2 1/2 year old. You didn't see me stopping and doing many things in between all the sentences here for the last 4 hours.
This is me and lappy going down together in our final hours together before I pick up the new laptop next week.
Quick look back.
My new obsession taking over my life.
Breaking open like a pinata last spring.
This #bencongruity kept me sane.
Khanlock drove me through the summer.
What the frak, tossed sanity to the wind over the holidays.
And I'm going out with this playlist jam. I hope you guys have awesome 2016s. Don't be stupid tonight partying, ok?
I'm learning so much about proxies. Using the right IP geolocator breaks down how they bounce around, statcounter practically shows me how one is set up on someone's computer. For instance, one person coming in from out of the country through a search engine using a mobile app on a computer broke down into three 'hits' at the same time, all coming through one state in the U.S. where the app pings. but through a city on the opposite coast where 'out of towners' ping with their alt language google searches being translated. I can also tell it's a chrome app. It's cool seeing when the product was purchased, updated, and upgraded. Not this blog. Stats on a different blog. I guess fraud and hackers have gotten so bad that paid counters can help decipher what's going on. Don't worry, I still get really invisible lurkers who know the ways of the tango force.
I've about figured out this little euphoria is a side effect of needle day. I must have really pumped out the endorphins or something. A true euphoria would have me skipping meals and loving the world, but this is more like coasting on a narcotic and I'm still eating. I'd also love to be able to sleep, have been up since 2:30 and finally feeling a little cranky in every spot that got zapped and poked, like all those spots are taking it really personally, so I think I'm in a big chemical brain dump dealing with it, just super spacey. @bonenado's all like what are we grilling tomorrow and I'm all like huuuu (drool) like he just asked me what planet we're on and he's all like it's Labor Day and I'm all like *facepalm* we have no food at all... I mean, unless we open more tuna, and I think I've already mentioned on twitter how old that's getting.
So he went shopping and just pulled back in, and I'm pretty sure I'll be useless tomorrow no matter what happens. Well, apparently I can TYPE. I know it's still summer outside, but I want a heating pad body wrap, a codeine java smoothie, and some more music in my head. It's 90 degrees out and I'm cuddled up in a sweater and sipping hot milk and listening to the same song over and over in my headphones. I need to find a better song, this one is too melancholy. Youtube is suggesting this one. I've never heard it before, hang on.
I think the funky color is perfect. Checking out the user. Subscribing. If you're sick of Sherlock, she made a Khirk, hang on. Ok, close your eyes, it's naughty, not just a insinuation tease. She hooked me with the pinkybluepurpley stuff. And I just discovered during a spellcheck that purpley is a thing.
Oh, here we go....
I'm a little disappointed in what they call goth, but hey, PURPLE.
All that purpley talk got me lost. Where were we?
Pinky blog played a trick on me last spring and busted me open like a pinata, and then I pretty much spent 5 months watching all that crazy candy come out of my head with not much way to stop it. Thank goodness it went in slo-mo, but this wandering soul morphing into weird love letter stuff is probably embarrassing a handful of people I know half to death. Here, click this and take your mind off.
Star Trek Re-Cap #5 - Spock, Messiah!
Well, most of my feels have been processed and are basically out there now, but there's something else that I don't think I've said yet anywhere that I know of. I went all that way to meet one person. Just one. Yes, I stood in line for autographs, but then I mailed them all to other countries. I didn't drive all the way there to meet actors and get autographs. (Gasps of shock and outrage from jealous fans just fogged up my screen.) I regret that I didn't share at the time how much it meant to me to be there, just sitting and talking. I just wanted to hang out. Just be there for real. For once the tables were turned. After years of people going out of their way to meet me or find me and me not understanding, I wanted to meet her.
I don't know how to fix what happened. All I know how to do is blog. And now that the pinata is in pieces all around me after holding all that stuff back for so long, and all my vital organs are dissected and laid neatly out on the table, it's time to GET BACK TO WORK! >=l FOCUS!!!
Revenge. Evil villain. The Plan.
~Coffee~.
"In every game there must be a winner and a loser. In this game, you will be the loser."
Anyway, everthang I ever learned about space luv is from these book reviews. Yep, unofficial unpermissioned noncanon that actually made it into the publishing world, and I found one in a bookstore in Branson, MO, so I know they're for realz.
Star Trek Re-Cap #7 - Killing Time
And I figure if they can do it, I can too. Ok, no, I don't mean that.
My head is too tangled up right now to tell if any of this makes any sense at all. I've tried explaining, but I don't think anyone understands what I'm talking about. Except maybe she got it before I was aware that's what I was doing. I just don't know.
Kind of in freefall getting ready for another possibly crazy weekend.
Dreamed last night all the Brady grandkids got back together in the original Brady house, and I was upstairs watching them mildly fuss between little groups of them gaming and doing drugs. I stole someone's sandwich and was halfway wolfing it down before I realized it had mayo in it and I'd better get on the benadryl, because lemon. Even in my dreams I'm allergic.
One of my dreams was about parts of the earth being scorched off by rivaling corporations wiping out potential profits before anyone else could capitalize and gain more leverage. It wasn't cryptic at all, very straightforward, like gaming gone out of control into real life. I generally don't get involved in eco-anything and usually don't care to have opinions beyond we're where we are and things are gonna go down sooner or later given all the variables and I'm not going to stress my head out because there's not much I can do to change ~that~. My psychologist used to call me a doom and gloomer, a cynic, but I staunchly defend pessimism as being healthier than optimism when the world falls through. At least I have contingency options to fall back on, like surviving instead of crying.
Here, #TBT, quick, what is this creature? You can't find it anywhere now, it's extinct. Yes, even from the internet. Gone. It used to be part of an interactive online game.
Me coming off prednisone isn't pretty. Wired tired super aspie wading in from a week-long forced hormone surge, not a great time to talk to me. But when is, right?
Continuing theme from last night. I need to go wrap my head around something before I get stuck like this. Thought about finding a fractal vid, but I would definitely get stuck in that, better steer clear and keep moving.
Call me slow, but I'm just now discovering that alt Trek tried to migrate us from Spirk to Khirk.
I know, what's all this starting right off with a video thing, am I ~*nuts*~? I've been so caught up in Johnlock and Sheriarty while I work that two months just slipped right by me. Time to get back to some roots here. Don't know if the Khan/Spock name merge was just too much. I mean Khack, Khock, Sphan, Span, Spon, none of it works. Khspack, how's that? I keep waiting for this gen to pick Trek up and really run with it, but this was the only one I found for these two. I hope this isn't indicative of future success.
And in case anyone points out that was awhile back already, I really hope I don't hafta remind everyone that original Spirk thrived once youtube showed up. You know. THROVE.
Wait, finding menages.
Not sure where this one was even going, but someone put a LOT of work into it. Maybe working through some relationship issues or something.
I'm just sad that Khan was put back in the box not even knowing his people are still alive. Anybody out there who's way lost between decades old Khan that drifted more backstory into novels and comics and where alt Khan fits in all this new alt timeline stuff, someone at wikipedia actually did a decent job catching us up. Khan Noonien Singh
So far Abrams has gotten away with blowing up Vulcan and crashing a mega ship practically on Star Fleet. Will alt Trek survive at all??? Tune in next year...
Star Trek 3 is still hopefully tentatively scheduled for summer 2016 release. Last week an interview with the new director Justin Lin came out. I have a feeling I'm going to like him. Keeping my eye on trekmovie.com for more news. Until then I have a feeling I'll dig up every fan video on youtube just out of nerves. I'm finally getting on board with alt Trek, and you guys know that once I'm on board with anything, I'm ON BOARD.
Waking up at 2:30 a.m. from a dream where I promised someone I'd order and raise 49,511 chicks (49,511???) into layers for them and then realizing in my dream that I had no money for capital and investment for the chick order, the feed they'd require, the building I'd need (I've lived on a farm with long, empty chicken houses from the previous owner, so I already have a clue), plus the hardware (feeders, waterers) and the electricity and all the gadgets that would entail, and dang if I didn't come full awake actually doing math.
