me and Cortana over a cup of Java

I made this meme and pinned it here
original photo goes to Ranking All the Movies In the Terminator Franchise

I used to call this stuff tech meth. Sometimes I get sucked in and don't climb back out for hours. I documented this morning's trail so I can come back later and jump back down the hole if I want to. If you're not into techanese, scroll down to the big  pink pumpkin.

So Cortana (like the chat Siri for Windows 10) let me know Kaspersky was still pouting about Java plug ins, so I thought Ok, it's 4:30 a.m., I have some coffee in me, let's do this. Because I've been ignoring it since January when I first got Jawn going, and then complaining when I can't see my own plugins on my blogs.

First I had Kaspersky show me exactly what it was pouting about, and of course, who wants something like not-a-virus:HEUR:AdWare.Win32.InstallMonster.gen in their computer, right? I mean, that sounds awfully weird and vague in an "ignore me because I'm sneaking in" kind of way. I did a search and ran into this Kaspersky Lab Forum, which wasn't very helpful but showed me that it's a common question.

* The quote not a virus comes from Kaspersky. It means that ist is not a dangerous virus. It could be a unknown program.
* It could contain malware. But it doesn't have to be. 

Not exactly helpful. I refined my search a little ("Kaspersky won't let me update Java in Windows 10") and came across the same question in a forum at superuser.com, and the suggestion there was to load the file to virustotal.com to find out for sure exactly what the file even is. Once the file was uploaded and scanned, I could see 'analysis', 'file detail', and 'additional information'. Most of  you will think that is gobbledygook, but in the 'file detail' part I can see a pretty green checkmark by Signature Verification, so it's a legitimate file that's been legally documented the way legit business is supposed to do (pretty sure that's what a verification check mark is supposed to mean). Also, I can see things like Product, File Version, and Description. I thought Ok, let's plug 'inno setup' into a search bar, and clicking on a couple things very quickly let me see that Microsoft has contracted with Inno Setup.

I've been wondering why Jawn wasn't allowing Java to update, now I know. Had to add those .exe files to exclusions, which is really easy now, just a couple of clicks in the Kaspersky pout window and now Cortana will leave me alone. But wait a second... I still had doubts. Melepot? Did they buy Inno Setup out or something?

EMSIsoft thinks the plugins are malware across the board, but I think they're just freaking people out to sell their own product. Everything else I can find out about Melepot is in other languages, like Romanian.

How to Fix 'Java Plugins' Errors Since this looks like a Norton foot in the door, I'm not going to further aggravate Kaspersky by running it.

Java applets stop working after Kaspersky Endpoint Security 10 for Windows installation That is a 3 year old workaround, and has probably already been addressed in all the new update stuff. My search was for Windows 10 stuff, this is a different '10' thing. Everything I find about Kaspersky and Java seems to end around 2013.

FAQ: Upgrade to Windows 10 Anniversary Update (Redstone 1) Kaspersky explains in techanese that it doesn't even like Windows 10.

Back to virustotal.com. It's sitting there with it's little arms folded insisting that "The file being studied is a Portable Executable file! More specifically, it is a Win32 EXE file for the Windows GUI subsystem."

Well, maybe Cortana will let me know again sometime that Kaspersky is pouting or something. In the meantime, an hour has gone by and my eyes are already twirly before the sun has even come up. I just removed all the problems from exclusions and walked off from Kaspersky for a bit.

I know a lot of people turn off Java in their systems so trackers can't exchange info, I see this all the time in site tracker FAQ stuff, from simple user trackers to google analytics. Not having working Java isn't the worst thing in the world, but I'm on a gaming laptop, so I'm not sure if not allowing Java is holding other stuff back. Jawn can't seem to update my drivers, either, so...

click for cool pinterest board

Yes, too early to actually care. I got a new popcorn popper! Click the pic to go where I got mine. There are other styles to choose from, too.

Today I'm going to make popcorn balls, yay! I won't go too crazy like what I see on pinterest, but I might roll them in Halloween sprinkles for fun. I don't eat them myself, but Papa and Bunny will have fun eating them this weekend, and I can send a few home with her.

I don't see this addressed much anywhere, but one of the hardest things on a manic euphoric depression cycle is sedation. I can't even begin to describe how far that anesthesia threw me off and how difficult this week has been just getting back my normal brain rhythm. My memory glitching came back full force for a few days, my aspienado shutdowns have been accentuated, and I'm barely covering for somewhat my kind of normal. I'm ok, just thrown off my regular coping strategies, but I can definitely vouch for coming back from that amount of sedation being a real blow to people who trigger easily for suicidal thoughts, and I've been craving vicodin again like the old days. That's pretty much how I know it's a brain chemical thing and not 'just' feeling gloomy. And the really big red flag was not being able to get myself distracted into minecraft. Best plan was just spread out on the medias like a big float device and keep watching TV, which seems to be working out pretty well. I got a little mean on a couple of people, but I think overall I'm coming through this one in fairly good shape. It would've been very easy to snivel all over one or two people and pull them into my dark hole, but I'm really glad I didn't. I felt especially destructive this week behind all the fun.

obsessed

For those not familiar with Albert Einstein's The World as I See It (scroll down past the intro- there's a lot, the guy was a blogger before his time), this is actually the mindset under which I was raised and why I've struggled with the chess board all my life.

In human freedom in the philosophical sense I am definitely a disbeliever.
Everybody acts not only under external compulsion but also in accordance
with inner necessity. Schopenhauer's saying, that "a man can do as he will, but
not will as he will," has been an inspiration to me since my youth up, and a
continual consolation and unfailing well-spring of patience in the face of the
hardships of life, my own and others'. This feeling mercifully mitigates the
sense of responsibility which so easily becomes paralysing, and it prevents us
from taking ourselves and other people too seriously; it conduces to a view of
life in which humour, above all, has its due place.

To inquire after the meaning or object of one's own existence or of creation
generally has always seemed to me absurd from an objective point of view.

My dad simplified 'free will' down to 'predestination', and at the time of my car wreck, it ruled his head so strongly that he didn't feel the need to morally support me living through something that should have killed me, because my continued life was obviously God-willed. I've spent the last 30 years swimming through oceans of pain regarding the way God-willed healing took place, at home without any doctors or pain meds.

People who marry into 'old German' families adapt or die. You toughen up. You think your way through your problems, and you blow off whatever gets in your way that isn't 'necessary'.

Jones sifted all that down into one sentence- "Hope is the luxury of those unburdened by fate."

I, simply put, have never been burdened by hope and actually seem to thrive where hopelessness is concerned.

Anyway, if you've never read Einstein's synopsis of life, the universe, and everything, it's worth a read (get a snack, it's kind of long). Personally, I would love to be able to get Einstein's take on the 12 Monkeys (cool recap, big spoiler warning).

We've come a long way since Einstein. Well, my dad hasn't, but I ripped a new timeline and here I am. This links back, but I also wrote about it.

I'm feeling kind of random, so this was a writing prompt. Usually when I'm feeling this random I wind up getting killed by something like that little cube robot down there, because it's so tempting to try to wrest away something as cool as a block of gold. But as soon as I'd go down, at least one of the snakes would poison me during the fight, and the bear and spider would jump in, and who knows what else is lurking behind a tree, and then I'd die and lose my /back to the jungle treehouse because I haven't yet mapped out how to clear out one of my 3 /home options to make a new one. Life is so complicated sometimes...

Hope and fate are just words. There's the whole "no fate but what we make" thing from Terminator (fave), which I agree with because when everything boils down, it's about being obsessed enough with something to make stuff happen differently than it's rolling out.

How badly do you want it? I ask myself this every day, and have since 2012. It's been a living mantra all my life, but I put it into words in my head in 2012. I've talked about how I started making my plan for change in 2008, how I've spent years getting off addictive meds and going through physical therapy and practicing writing for public. All of this has been very hard. How badly do I want it? I wanna eat the world and own it.

I have been seeing myself as a timeline changer, a history changer for many years, ever since I learned to look differently at raising a stepchild and accidentally being right on time to save someone's life. If I'd died in that wreck, I wouldn't have been here to change those things. If my mom had carried her first child to term, I'd never have been born since I was conceived after she lost it and before it would have been born. I have thought of these things for so very long that I can't help believing I'm still here to change more stuff. My purpose is to knock history onto new tracks, to shift timelines, to change the world around me.

We are all doing that, you know. Most people just can't even imagine seeing it like that. This here and now is our opportunity to make things happen, to change what we wish would change, even if it's very hard and takes a long time.

Someone once told me I watch too much TV. That was at a time when I barely saw any TV at all because I was so flat broke that I was walking to work, and I was asking that person for help with a domestic abuse problem. That person, that one sentence, was such powerful motivation for me. I've been pissed ever since. I'm going to change the world.

This is for all the people who've ever gotten in my way, and I have to say, I do love Katarina Jones. It's been nearly a year since I found this Khirk vid. Bless the person who made it, because it really helps my head on the hard days.

mean mode

Orange u glad when someone else pops up and says an alien is growing in their stomach, too? All those crazy cancer, tumor, ulcer, appendicitis, and hepatitis fears suddenly fade and it's ok to laugh because someone else is miserable now, too.

I just stopped eating for awhile and had Scott put a restraining bolt on me so I wouldn't kill him in his sleep.

Just kidding, I went out to the couch so he could sleep. I made up for it the next day by following him all over the house talking nonstop since I'd been awake all night reading wikis and TV show hashtag tweets. He's ready to go back to work now.

I think I'm about ready for all that flooding rain back...

I'm still in mean mode. You'd be mean, too, if all you ate before a 24 hour fast was brussels sprouts. Coffee was about all I had most of Sunday. I am tentatively trying a piece of leftover bacon. I need enough calories to get into endo today and discuss whether I might be trending hyper thyroid again. We can't seem to get that line to flatten out for anything.

Latest work section you guys can't see yet is called Self Awareness is a Tricky Bastard. My favorite line out of 1785 words so far is "You had no idea that green beans and toilet paper were that big of a deal, did you?" Ok, that looks awkward. Not what you're thinking. Here, have a different sentence. "As Mom and I slogged together through my dismal social fails of kindergarten and first grade, she slowly gave up trying to torture self awareness into me."

It'll take all my will power to care enough to get a shower before I head out this morning. I nearly put another Sherlock vid here. Sarah said no. She says you wimps need to go chew Monday up and spit it out. GO!! >=l

Things to Do on Your Phone When You Can't Sleep

Last night was one of those long can't get comfortable and wake up every two minutes nights that finally got so bad I made myself sit up so I'd stop doing that. I'm an insomnia expert, have tried everything from pills to 'sleep hygiene' to writing to watching TV to cleaning my house at 2 a.m., but sometimes the easiest way through it is to just get lost on the internet. This is a sample of me handling severe insomnia last night.

Dug up celebrity hair shrines, devoted fans do the rest, easy 10-15 minute distractions. I've been doing this for years, amazing how many hair shrines there are out there.

Click to see way more awesome

Withdrawal Symptoms of Sex Addiction
Skidded right off my search on symptoms of a med taper into sexland. O_O *wo* Right off the bat I was falling off the couch over the user who named him/herself "Banjo". I mean, not to mock, I'm sure this is a very real problem for some people, but my curiosity is so piqued over whether some of that guilt has anything to do with kids, pets, bodies... 30 minutes flew right by before I remembered I had a weird headache and was worried I would die from prednisone withdrawal.

Sorry no clicky, comes from restricted site.

And then I remembered I'm getting obsessed all over again with Khan backstory and decided I was too flippant on my the wrath of the search for spirk post a couple of days ago just throwing a wikipedia link out there, so I apologize to everyone who seriously wants to know more and really don't have the kind of time on their hands to do deeper research like I do (evidently @bonenado missed a whole buncha stuff in the movie, too). Here's your link trail through all things Khan/alt Khan in the Memory Alpha and Star Trek Wiki.

Original Khan history dates back to the 1950s genetics experiments in the story line and back to 1967 in our Star Trek viewer history. Please note that in the original (prime) timeline, Kirk's crew are the ones to wake up Khan's entire crew.

The Eugenics Wars are a series of novels that fill in Khan's backstory before he met Kirk, much of which happens during the 1990s. There is also much more to read on the wiki about the Eugenics Wars so you can shortcut the novels. You also find out why and how Khan and his crew wound up in cryostasis.

Arik Soong is a geneticist in the Enterprise series who comes after the Eugenics Wars but before the waking of Khan. We learn more about Augments (genetically enhanced humans) and what happened to the embryos after the wars.

Alt Khan was awakened earlier than prime Khan by Admiral Marcus due to changes in the timeline precipitated by Nero blowing up Vulcan. Marcus knew exactly who Khan was and had him surgically altered to be unrecognizable, had some of his memories wiped, and put him to work as John Harrison. When 'John' regained some of his memories, Marcus forced him to continue working in exchange for the lives of his Augment crew, who were all still frozen. Before the film came out, all of this was explained in comic books.

And NOW we are ready for Star Trek Into Darkness. And you can always go back to the wrath of the search for Spirk for continued distraction into fanvid land.

If you are really super hardcore into the alt ST verse, you can also pick up on the Kronos moon Praxis history being changed, since you see a glimpse of it in STID.

Here you go, Benedict having his hair washed, in case you actually do have a celebrity hair fetish.


I also looked up Terminator Salvation because for some reason @bonenado doesn't remember seeing it, and even though we saw it during one of my super sickie years, I do remember it because I was so ticked off about Christian Bale being John Connor. Now, you've gotta understand, I adore Christian Bale. But not as John Connor. Plus the continuity was so screwed that I was lividly frothing my way through it on a med cocktail that brings out my darker side, so maybe Scott just blocked it all out out of sheer survival, who knows. It's safe to say I'm possibly an even bigger Terminator fan than I am a Star Trek fan, plus I super dig explosion movies and will sometimes frame by frame them just to see all the effects (who of us has NOT yet ever slow advanced Darth Vadar throwing the Emperor over the railing and seeing his skull, raise your hands) (do this for all Darth scenes in all Star Wars movies where special effects are going on). That being said, I desperately need to see Terminator Salvation again to psyche up for Terminator Genisys (click that to see awesome trailer O.M.G.), which starts showing on July 1st, and guess what, Salvation is showing on Wednesday June 17 at 7 p.m. central on AMC. You're welcome.


And you guys thought all I did was blog and babysit and whine about my book not being done yet.

Side note- it's always comforting to find lengthy med forums filled with fear-crazed people going through more suffering that you are, and it turns out I'm not actually dying, but at least I know what to watch for now. The internet is awesome in its shared wisdom.

I'm actually bouncing around my house again, even though the pred is over now. Hoping I get a nap later today, because this is unreal, although I have to admit I'm loving it. Maybe a little too much. Crossing my fingers I'm not jaunting into a euphoria. Dang it.

So yeah, my head is all over the place today. In the middle of watching STID for the 4th time this week, catching all the background stuff. I need to find something silly so I can wrap this up and get off here. I love fans.

DUCK!

From a private post written on November 5, 2008.
If there is chaos and destruction coming, I believe most of the problem will be various media inciting 8 billion people to panic.

Here we go, have finally unlocked brain fail. Usually starts before the holidays, so since I made it through January without even a hint of it, thought I was home free. I'm as scattered now as a squirrel running out into heavy traffic dodging buckshot and three dogs.

Behold, my bwainz. The guy at the end looks stupider than the squirrel, cracks me up. I don't feel this cute though.
I think it's a matter of readjusting all my brain chemicals again. Heavy duty benzo loads last week really screwed the ol' protracted withdrawal aspect of being a chronic low dose user for twenty years, which in Better Call Saul speak is like a cleaned up meth user shooting up out of the blue a couple of times for pain/anxiety management, as if that could work. Took me two years to clear off my own stuff, so imagine the rebound I'm going through. And before the inexperienced say anything, I have a cousin who made it off meth (only 3% successfully do that, and I bet there are a lot of you out there starting up for relief from stuff like spinal injuries, like he did) and he confirmed that benzos are basically the same thing. Going cold turkey off benzo meds is so dangerous that it requires medical supervision and oftentimes a 'rescue'. I went through a rescue after a cold turkey in 2009.

Med addiction is really common, and many people have no idea it's a real problem complicating other problems in their lives that get covered up with even more meds. My doctors initially shrugged me off and even laughed when I first brought up the possibility of med addiction because my doses had always been so low, but it turned out to be no joke getting off these meds. Fixing brain chemicals is a good thing when people need it, but keeping chronic patients on low dose chemicals for years as part of a pain management program without reviewing the possibility that they're covering up daily low dose withdrawal symptoms with other meds can become a nightmare. I wrote in 2009 that even though I had the medical history giving me a right to legalized med addiction that had me more screwed up than a Hollywood star scamming for vicodin and not showing up for work (I never missed a day of work in years until I just couldn't work, period), I wanted OFF.

I did it all wrong at first, it got scary, went through rescue, did my research, made a PLAN, and over two years I got off the remaining tail end of handfuls of meds. I should have taken pictures, my daily regimen was impressive. I drove 'drunk' to and from work for years, sometimes got pulled over, once was driven home by highway patrol at 10 a.m. Try explaining ~that~ to your boss. I got so good at being covert and timing my meds that coworkers came to me all the time asking how and when to mix this and that. I got to know the deeper culture of legal addiction and 'carried' all the time, making me everyone's friend behind closed doors and the wizard of medical jargon.

The links below were my journey to independence from big pharma and government/insurance controlled dosaging. They are lengthy and technical, so I don't expect anyone to actually read them, but that is how desperate I got trying to find my way out of that terrible maze (and look at me NOW, I'm HEALTHY). You guys need to question why govt is part of legalizing drugs and alcohol and how it's part of the whole big picture of proletariat control. Ask yourself why it's ok now for 'nice' people to be avid fans of a TV show about a meth dealer and support that show by buying toys for your kids (but you'd probably freak if there were a meth house on your street). I won't go so far as to say the government or anyone else wants you all accepting ideas of self medicating and surviving alien invasions and threat of worldwide death via virus, but I think it's pretty weird that show after show after show is profiting from slowly turning many of us into organized live response knots of shellshock before bedtime every night. How many of you can go to sleep and wake up rested without some kind of adult beverage or scripted sleep aid?

Taking vitamins won't save you guys. I'm not FDA approved regulating health care Librax withdrawal, are we having fun yet? (this was my most popular post EVER on any blog I ever created until I made it private) surviving health care (I'm not afraid to say this) IF you actually read through all that, please to note that even on full disability now, my monthly out of pocket insurance costs come up to about $300 a month. There is no such thing as 'free' health care. If I weren't married I'd be extremely destitute. Since I know someone my age in exactly that position, I know what I'm saying.

From 6-9-11. Have been dinking on facebook this month, mostly just filling in the profile stuff.  My religious preference is the cult of cthulhu.  That one has really struck me funny ever since it was on South Park and the Goth kids were so disappointed in his return because nothing really changed for them.  I keep trying to think of oddball people who have inspired me, today I put in Snake Plissken.  Already getting really bored with facebook again.

Ok, down to business. Things I have learned in the last week, thanks to benzo loading so I could be still in MRI tubes without exploding back out like a space alien-possessed astronaut in a syfy original movie. 1- Got the serious talk this time about pain clinic and surgery. It's there whenever I need them. Personally, I'm holding out for an opium patch first, but I have a feeling I won't be as lucky as a couple other people I've met on opium patches. One chick actually rides a motorcycle around town wearing an opium patch. Dang, I want an opium patch. I have really missed vicodin ever since the big acetaminophen reaction thing blowing up on me. Anyway, I'm going to try something else first before I let it all go invasive, because there's no going back once the shots and surgeries start up. I know too many spinal surgery fail stories to think that's my answer. 2- Unofficial cancer watch still goes on. I may as well accept this is how the rest of getting older goes. I've been cleared for defcon (again, how many times now in the last two years, geez), but told to keep an appointment in March with another doctor, so vagueness continues to rule my starz. 3- I will probably be a protracted addict the rest of my life. Going through withdrawal symptoms all over again sucketh mightily and right now the only thing stopping me from throwing a chair through a window is the thought of Scott having to replace it and then me feeling bad about it later because it's a really nice window. Oh, and maybe also that it's only twelve degrees outside and I'd freeze, but that was only an afterthought. The thought of Scott coming home every night keeps me sane. Scott is my rock, and aside from nearly pitching him through the window a few times (I'm so lucky he doesn't spontaneously reciprocate, given his ADHD nature), he's been extremely tolerant of me going Sarah Connor on his butt every little bit.

If you think you or someone you care about might have a medication addiction problem, click this.

Always remember. Anyone, any time, any place. It's real. last time survey

Sorry about all this. Sometimes I just gotta dump the crap out and yell DUCK!!!!


Time to lighten up again.