-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
 photo README2.gif


Tuesday, January 16, 2018


Hopefully from here there's nowhere to go but up. Crack of dawn is always the coldest. Check this windchill. We are officially colder than Antarctica. Saw that roll through on my local weather on facebook.

Really thought my stats would calm down after I privatized my facebook feed 9 days ago, since facebook was my strongest traffic driver, but apparently that didn't deter anyone. And doing that definitely nailed down a solid steady number of notification hits, because I thought maybe those were extra pings from facebook redundancy 'safety' settings, but apparently not. Whoever you are, I'm holding up my coffee cup to you. I am now able to look at a naked core readership before I even link outside of the bloggersphere.

Okie doke, where were we. I happily jogged down a weird path this week while I let my head settle around real life, and I kinda need to bullet point and catch up.

  • MRI came back, confirmed the usual aging spine thing with a new twist, cervial hemangioma shows up in report now. No idea if it's just better reporting for something there all along or if it's new, but it is 'unremarkable'. Probably something they'll just keep an eye on...
  • Laying super still on a hard, flat MRI bed for 40 straight minutes was stupid hard on me over the weekend, between bodywide fibro flare and nerve compression was almost unable to walk for a few hours on Saturday, but thankfully coming back out of that.
  • Everyone around me keeps getting sick the last 2 months. I haven't yet been really sick like that. Hope I didn't just jinx myself. But if this is real, I've been sticking to raw cruciferous in salads, buncha cooked cruciferous like caramelized brussels sprouts with aged balsamic and parm, yogurt, and chicken. Little bit of cheese and occasional microwaved nachos in small portions. Lotta water. I don't drink anything else but coffee in the morning and a cup of tea in the evening. If diet has an effect on positive immune health, that's what's doing it for me. Stop eating your candy and ice cream and get off the cigs and booze, guys. I'm the puny one and here I am not sick.
  • My new 3x3 daily/weekly/monthly personal/home/internet chart is working really well. Syllabus doesn't seem to be doing it for me this winter, so I'm doing chart, ticcing off as I go. Tic chart, guys. In the 3rd grade I got gold, silver, blue, or red stars on a weekly chart for how fast I timed on a multiplication test. (A 'times' test.) In 5th grade I got a circle for every book I read to add to a bookworm. I had the second longest bookworm in the class, went around 3 walls. Charts are fun, but a lot of work to make. I use one sheet in a notebook. Upper third is a list for monthly, just need to see one tic beside each item. Middle third is a list for weekly and I divided into five sections across for all the weeks in the month, each section needs to have one tic in it for each item. Lower third is a list of daily stuff I do, and I don't bother ticcing it. I mostly do it anyway. It's there to remind me to stay on track. Concise, contained, at a glance. Each month I'll make a new page, and I can compare how I do to the months before.
  • I've been allowed to take over twitter duties for my fave minecraft server, now that I'm part of staff. I think it's a great way to divert off the twitter mess and pull a tight focus on something I love.
  • I need more squirrels in here.

I created a new playlist for positive vibes, to borrow a word from a friend. Music and visuals that calm the mind, as it were. I do this a lot and you guys never see it because I don't share that part of me that goes really deep into the quiet so I can float out of myself. I had a hard time sifting through and sorting out all my Pinky junk the last few years, and I feel like the best direction to go this year is just ignore the F* out of everybody, you know? Be me. Float away in bliss and enjoy my moments. I seem to have arrived to a new place, and I'm ready to take better baggage with me going forward. It's really hard to brain train into calm with chaos and challenge all around, but it's totally worth it. Let's see what I can find this year. :edit: Sorry, didn't realize I had this playlist on private, lol.

Monday, January 15, 2018

they still haven't realized I'm actually at home

I love this guy
click the pic for a good song
Day 5. Still hiding out from the Jehovah Witness. Curtains drawn, lights off, stealth chores going on. Outside is snow and nasty cold. Weather hasn't deterred them in the past.

I made the mistake of inviting them back when they showed up in my driveway right behind me last week. I was actually glad to see real people that day because my depression was so bad, but politely declined assistance getting my shopping in. We talked for awhile, and I was fine with it and even said we could talk again sometime. When they jumped on what day next week would be good, I auto deflected with we don't have a set schedule around here.

I don't invite people into my house. This is my sanctuary, my escape, my cave. This isn't a hang out for people outside my family. I grew up with my dad pulling people into the house to 'talk bible' and it would last for hours, and he even had me cooking meals so he could keep them there. He loves talking bible, and can out talk anyone, yes, including Jehovah Witness. I know for a fact that they eventually realize they are trapped and work on ways to escape.

I am like my dad. I am saving them from exhaustive entrapment. I am saving us all from a not so cute cat and mouse head game. I am like my dad. I like to win...

pic clicks to wiki page
make of it what you will

the USS Illuminati (NCC-60309) in ST Expanded Universe is a little over the top, I think
all the good stuff is in the interactive gaming
the rest flies under audience radar
So the stuff I brought up in the last post, right. It hit me later, I remembered having seen someone on facebook freaking out about finding out their kid's photo was being sold on the internet for a weirdly high price and they couldn't figure out why in the world, right. Well... maybe the cloning is a real thing. Maybe human trafficking isn't against the law when you use tissue samples from birthing and whatever (*cough*abortions*cough*) to clone cute little kiddies and people can pick them out of catalogs. Just saying. None of that is new. This is old stuff. You guys only know about it accidentally because of social media shares and internet surfs.

Those of us on the topside still have some semblance of human rights. I'm about to tell you exactly what I think since I've been so cryptic all through Pinky blog. Well, it still looks cryptic, but this is how it boils down.

Whatever comes, two things.
  • Your mind in the moment is yours. Even if you are brainwashed, there are times you are a lucid self, and that person is who owns those moments. No one else owns your love and kindness. You create that, in any situation. No one is ever brain broken and retrained to be sweet and kind. If you want to own yourself, be sweet and kind in your lucid 'now' moments.
  • We are all slaves. We always have been. We are continually used like noobs and taken advantage of with the whole freedom idea, and human dignity is a gift we give each other daily, not something someone owes us. We are the ones who give each other dignity.

Nothing else in this world holds any promises. Pinky blog assumes we are all already screwed. I am teaching you how to go forward and survive.

You don't have to believe in whatever god people hold over you or that extraterrestrials exist or that governments actually don't care about people as much as they do infrastructure, and you certainly don't have to believe me hinting at anything, but somewhere in your mind, heart, and soul there is a real person, and you easily forget to notice that we are all real people caught in a big mess. Where did the mess start? That's debatable. Did someone engineer this mess? That's food for thought. Is this mess necessary? From certain points of view, it might be. But underneath all that mess is you are real. Whether a genuine God is real is between you and God and no one else's place to manipulate you with. Some people do care, but don't realize they themselves come from a very brain trained institutionalized process that uses God to create and enhance emotional dysfunction and pressured compliance. That is not a loving God. Learn to tell the difference.

Never forget that you are real. Even if everything falls apart, or if your world is already broken, you are real. YOU are what is important. Your moments. The gifts you quietly give others. You own that.

Friday, January 12, 2018

those who have minds to think, let them think

Caution: This is a think piece masquerading as conspiracy mockery.

Caution on this vid, probably NSFW. It's ok if you skip it, it's just a perfume commercial. Sort of.


I know this vid is old (you'll have to click over to that if you want to see it, I'm not sharing it here), and I absolutely do not care whether it's real or not. I mean, it explains a lot of weird dreams and maladies I've had since childhood (and quite a lot of historical art that I run into), but so does basic childhood trauma around the world time out of mind and tons of entertainment saturation and doublespeak. I could point out flaws galore with it, and I could also point out how well it actually works in all our entertainment, especially scifi and porn. You see those motifs in that vid used regularly through the decades in both. Who knows, sometimes truth is stranger than fiction, right.

There is a commonality throughout our entertainment that many of us either don't notice, don't piece together, or don't care about. Tell me how this movie is any different from Lady Gaga and 75% of the scifi, horror, and fantasy out there. You've got the underground, the cloning and recreating, the allusion to pedophilia and the wealthy who seek it, the 'game' that separates kids from families, men in black, the star child, and even a psychiatrist's couch. Every conspiracy you can find in all the other stuff is here, too. Well, maybe not the reptilians. I haven't really tried that hard.

And of course we all saw Johnny go on to become the Hatter in yet another of hundreds of Alice and White Rabbit retells. How are we not frickin' bored to tears yet with the whole rabbit hole thing? Um, maybe because there's some credence to it? But here is where I'm quick to point out that if it's real, then we've been so saturated with it for so long that who even cares any more?

The point is, human brains like patterns. Our minds are especially adapted to making patterns out of everything we see around us. If we are all learning the same things, seeing the same art and entertainment and news, then all our brains are synchronized to start noticing the same kinds of patterns. Some people are a lot better are specific kinds of patterns, like math and music, others are a lot better at social patterns and how people generally behave, others are really good at creating food and art and building and inventing because they catch on so quickly about how bits and pieces combine to become something else. Everything we do as humans is based on being able to recognize and create patterns. I happen to see patterns in entertainment, and I see quite a lot of repetition and borrowing and crossovering kind of stuff, which becomes even more fascinating when I dig into the history of creating entertainment, because that's what my brain is good at.

Just a sec, quick break. Seriously, I took a break.

I know this looks like a wild veer into different thought, but it's important. Part of my own personal inner turmoil and self interrogation is exactly this- Why do I seem to like it rough? (as the video below suggests). Maybe it's because I've been trained to handle life being rough from an early age. It was innocently done, to be sure, but by people so trained themselves that they couldn't see the actual conflict they were living out, with cruelty calling itself love. So much of this started ages and ages ago, long before they were even born. By the way, back to conspiracy, Lady Gaga in the gold outfit is the reptilian mockup, and the guys sitting around her in the rain of diamonds reminds me of the weird phase shifted beings (also shape shifters) sitting around a box full of human souls sucking up the fear and anguish for food in Star Trek Next Generation. I see so many crossover triggers to so many other imagery setups in tv shows and stuff, bits of sets, the way costumes are used, I think the subconscious effect on the brain is about the same between pop music and science fiction on television. And maybe there's a reason for that, but if there is, then we're up to our eyeballs in muppets and Disney while we're at it, so I'm not going there.

Needed another break. You probably did, too. I really like this song.

So I brought up the Paul McCartney conspiracy the other day, right. It's ok, I'm not the only delusional person in the world. And again, I really don't care. I never collected the Beatles stuff, although a nearly complete collection fell into my possession a few years ago. But for argument's sake, let's assume I'm the crazy one, although none of my diagnoses quite go that far.

In case you're new to me and haven't come across any of the general conspiracy crap blowing the world up for the last several decades (and especially over the last few years with the advent of youtube), the root of everything you need to know boils down to stuff being right in front of our faces, like living double lives and not being able to really believe stuff under our noses while we freak out about every little sentence on twitter or something. Conspiracy is a 2 sided coin. People who cover something up create conspiracy, but so do people who believe in something not real. What's it called when the conspiracy isn't hidden any more and the people are still freaking about it being a conspiracy?

What if you could get your wish? What if you had another you to go to work and you wouldn't have to personally experience the drudgery? What if you could turn that part of your mind over to a different you and then flip back and enjoy life after work was over? I know some of us would love that, right? Well, that's basically what some entertainers appear to be doing. Their work is so rigorous that they undergo aggressive, what I call, 'brain training'. And they don't have to really remember any of that if they don't want to, kind of like you don't have to remember having an operation. You go through a process that 'fixes' a few things, do a little recovery time, and find yourself handling so much more than you thought possible, remembering your lines better, having all kinds of fun traveling and being famous. No one has to know or even gets to know what you did to be able to fast track. Because, let's face it, none of us ordinary people could really keep up with a lot of what some of them are doing. 16 hour days? All hours, all kinds of weather, and millions at the box office. Maybe it's worth not remembering half the grueling stuff you had to go through, or at least being able to turn it off a little. Apparently, though, that has its flaws, and so the conspiracies are ramping up and people are freaking out and not realizing that quite a lot of people around the world grow up with the basic first steps of brain prepping for the training in the first place. It's been all around us all along, so why is this a surprise? I actually found it to be a bit familiar, and I've not even been through the 'pro' level.

What do you want? How badly do you want it? What are you willing to agree to do or give up in order to get what you want? Actually, you don't necessarily have to sell your soul or hand your mind over to a trainer to get what you want, but if all you care about is the fast track, yeah, you'd probably jump in without thinking it through.

But really, what if when your life sucks and you have a meltdown, a handler could just magically make it easier to deal? Or a brain chip? What if a frequency could be tweaked the same way a CPAP machine could be adjusted? What if you could message your psychiatrist and get a remote tweak adjust in your chip to get a slight frequency change and feel better? Brain waves are all the rage nowadays. They can be modulated without even touching you, and some day it may be possible from more of a distance.

Back to the Paul McCartney thing. Here are a couple of vids if you're interested, or you can skip them. It's not necessary to watch them, but your arm hairs will go up better later if you do a few minutes on each one first. I can prep your brain for a better experience, lol, setting up a pattern, as it were. And it works even better if you watched that very first link in the first paragraph up there, kinda trippy.

Ok, break time. I love that this next vid gets so many negative comments, but I don't see any pyramid conspiracy freak outs about it. Really flew under the ol' radar.

Ok, back to the Paul McCartney thing. During those vids I got two screenshots in particular. People have been freaking out lately about these kinds of things, and I keep saying I grew up with them. This is the proof.

You can check out these 4 articles if you want. Yes, it's part of the overall experience. I started looking because I've always mildly wondered what the in the world a yellow submarine has to do with anything. Well...

The Illuminatus! Trilogy- These novels go back to 1975, and you can see there is loads of conspiracy set into an entertainment format. This stuff has been going on since before most of you were born. Like I said, I grew up with it. "The prison is bombed and he is rescued by the Discordians, led by the enigmatic Hagbard Celine, captain of a golden submarine. Hagbard represents the Discordians in their eternal battle against the Illuminati, the conspiratorial organization that secretly controls the world. He finances his operations by smuggling illicit substances."

Discordianism- In case you were wondering what that is in the above paragraph, that is the old timey ancient mythological word for Chaos Magick, which is what it's all called today. It's an interesting read. Again, I grew up with those ideas, not in my home per se, but prevalent enough around us that my parents nearly put us kids into a private school.

Operation Mindfuck- Yes, that's a real thing that goes back to the 60s and basically explains what's happening on social media right now. Knowing is power, power is knowing. Step over conspiracy and learn what the real is behind it.

Aaaand back to the whole Paul McCartney thing. Back to conspiracy land.
The Beatles -- Illuminati Mind Controllers

Ok, let's put this all together now, assuming you kept up with all the vids and articles, and I'll say it very simply. Paul McCartney may have been cloned. I'll leave you to wonder what I just did to your head. Those of you who know I'm a huge Lady Gaga fan, *mind blown*. Space was her DJ on her world tour, and she is the best example I've ever seen of purposeful conspiracy paraded around the planet.

You can't find much on this guy, despite his obvious world level fame.

If you skipped all those vids and articles, it's ok to start over. Your arm hairs will still go up, even if you don't believe in it. Like I said, trippy.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

my own propaganda

neato calendar my kiddo got me
Dear people making expose vids for youtube- tighten up your info, you keep losing me dragging on like that. If you wanna save the world, please save me from your voices droning on and on and on... I would've interpreted a few things a little differently, but who cares. I never made it to the end anyway.

Confession- I absolutely cannot make it through anything "informational", I don't care how interesting it is or how interested I might be in it. I grew up in church 3X a week from wee childhood, earned 190+ hours of college classes, and have even reached a saturation point for my favorite kind of television. I am so. bored. with people having to explain stuff. Educate me quickly, entertain me delightfully, at least stop spamming your mouse or hitting the pause button on whatever you're demo-ing. All those precious seconds and minutes wasted could be better spent checking my bank account or something. I either turn it up way loud so I can hear while I'm folding laundry or I carry it around on a phone while I do stuff, but every time you jaunt off into 30 seconds of extra yap pausing something I'm supposed to be looking at, you're losing me.

On the other hand, kudos to people who are natural talkers, already know what they're going to say, and don't expect me to watch everything they do. You could tell me about every rock in your yard and I'd still be right there with you an hour later. I even kind of envy that because I'm not a natural talker like that, so when I get excited and really get yappy, I lose people. It's like I have to plug into a convo with people who can easily lead a topic.

And for those of you STILL going on about millennials on phones-

I sit in doctor waiting rooms with old people glued to Andy Griffith on the television like they've never seen it before. O.M.G. And the scary part is how many next gens will be staring at Full House like that the very same way, if they still have televisions in waiting rooms by that age.

Kind of in a snit. Backed off a tad on coffee and chocolate again this week. Pretty sure my brain is riling up all the nerve gangs for a major walkout.

Do I look like I care? Just blocking out the world and doing what I love.

And, oh yeah, got into staff on my fave game server. Life is leveling up in the fun way this year.

p.s. Rocking my asics every day, so I'm not just sitting there. Got my conquer on. While the rest of the world catches up to the junk I've been saying for years, I'm ripping through the next portal getting that dragon head. It's never too late to level up your lives, if you want change- assess where you are, make a list of goals, plan out the steps you need to take reaching those goals (be realistic about time allowances, too, things take time and life throws curve balls), and start executing. You're never too anything to start making incremental changes that add up over time to very big differences.

You can do this.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

bcuz pizza nachos

I originally posted that to twitter

from Science Memes on facebook
More major plan executing going on. Dropped off some stuff in a Convoy of Hope bin while I was out yesterday. Have some other stuff pulled together for Safe to Sleep. Good ways to clean out my house. Someone said "Sharing is caring" in chat convo on the game server the other night, cracked me up. It was unrelated, immediately put a Care Bears song in my head. It's all fake on server, but even there some people think it's all about accumulation and wealth. Just because you hand over your last digital loaf of bread to another player on their last half heart tic doesn't make the kindness any less real.

So far I've gotten more done in the last 2 1/2 days than I feel like I accomplished in the last 2 1/2 months, if you don't count regular cleaning, cooking, and running errands. Things I've been putting off are magically poofing into all the right places in the spacetime continuum, including phone calls and fixits. I ran into a little buried sack with brand new Christmas ornaments in it for Bunny's tree, never even noticed we lost it. We were so worn out long before Christmas even got here, it seems like folly now to have wasted that money.

And now I'm in lag, lol. Time to let my brain fall out and move like a snail again while I gather my little storm for the next plan execution surge.

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

zombie fog

I took these pix around 1:40 p.m. on the way home from town. The top one is so foggy that the camera refused to even focus. Even using my eyes, I didn't see the lights until the next click. I didn't click until I could actually see the lights. The time passing between the two shots is about an eyeblink.

This is further down the road closer to my home. Driving out this morning was like white out, but at least I could see the trees on the way back.

We're taking a little break from the nasty cold, it seems. I guess Thursday we'll go way below freezing again. I'm super thrilled I wasn't driving in on ice today.

I love damp drippy foggy days, any time of year. I'm literally in my element. 😆😁😂 I've got old fashioned settler's beans and cornbread cooking, so my cave smells beautiful.

Now that I've got my peace and quiet back during the days, I've got a more fun video trail going.

You can check out all this person's vids here.

This next vid is a compilation made by a fan, but you can find all the originals here, there's more. I love this so much.

I chased a few rabbits around and found RichieFromBoston (sorry, Richie, I couldn't make it through more than one vid, but keep up the good work), a whole swarm of Herobrine conspiracy vids (conspiracy off the hook, once you find out the real conspiracy behind it, lolz, I loved it), and after DIY Camper brought me back to earth, I dug back into Space Cowboy history. You gotta admire someone who basically starts off with a completely digital homemade music vid series and winds up touring with Lady Gaga, so the miles of comments are just jealous.

They say do what you love. I love fans. I keep saying that. I'm a fan of the fans.

I just made that. It's dumb unless you know both the show and the fandom.

This was too safe for work. Let's mess that up a bit.

Monday, January 8, 2018

fronting till it all falls into place, right

I cannot believe the last 2 years. Or the 2 years before that. The ten before that. Actually, my whole life.

K, obvs making changes. Started all this crawling up the side of a steep jagged mountain an inch at a time, seem to have leveled up during a few plateaus looking back and assessing, feels now like I'm on a hiking path past the worst of the jungle, still ascending but stopping for picnic breaks and enjoying the view.

Outside is fog and nearly freezing drizzle. Inside is laundry going and space heater and coffee. The bathrooms got cleaned a couple hours ago. I've got the house dark so it looks like no one is home. I should probably eat something. Been up 4 hours and no food yet.

Changing up how I do stuff this year. No more linking to facebook, sorry about that. Reminder links are easy to make, but I never did it to bait my friends, and family knows where to find me. Since facebook is now private, I don't need to hook public over there. I probably won't link this on twitter, either. Most of these go to G+ automatically, so I'll leave that, like a digital paper trail.

I'm kinda looking around again and really surprised at the amazingly clean web presence I developed. It's crisp, not too corroded with overlays of mashup presence. A lot of people don't know how to stand out and don't realize their presence entangles with similar others. In spite of accidentally picking one of the porniest names in the world (really, actually) and a very common name in several countries (people have actually mistaken me for far flung family on facebook a few times), and even a common name in business (there are at least 12 Pinky Guerrero people vying for profile space across the networks and social medias that I have counted), I seem to have a fairly straightforward WebMii presence.  WebMii is horrible for mashup, so that's a great way to check on that.

But I'm kinda not caring about that now. It's all in place. The launch setup was the really hard part. A lot of people jump onto merching without a clue about launch and market, and hopefully this is enough now to take the next step.

I haven't talked about that stuff in awhile, have I? 😁

I cannot see my future. I'm sure my life and personal plans will continue to be blitzed and I'll continue to keep picking up pieces and navigating around the pop up challenges. Whatever.

Guess we'll see what happens this year.


Red flag on the play, whistle, rebound. Actually, this is something I've been thinking about for several months.

I know what being public means, probably better than a lot of people. I can 'see' so much stuff because I'm good at lurking. I've talked about that here on Pinky blog. I have encouraged you guys many times to check your proxies, use your browser settings to cruise the webs anon, or at least vaguely. It's really not that big of a deal, I really don't care what you do, but since I can sometimes see details most people would think were private or at least protected from anyone outside their sphere being able to find, maybe it is a big deal.

I like baiting. Baiting lets me see all kinds of things. I can usually tell the difference between real people vs crawlers and spam, sometimes glaringly so, but the point is I can tell. I can't always see motivation, but I sometimes get hints. I've talked about that before, too. Again, not a big deal. If any of that really unnerved me I'd have gone dark a long time ago. I've been saying it won't be long until the entire world is public and we can all see all of it anyway. Even if you go off the grid you can be checked on fairly easily, and I don't mean putting GPS trackers on your car or because you talked to someone on a phone. But I don't care about that, either.

I set that bait out a long time ago. I caught the bait being taken. This isn't a petty thing, although it has nothing to do with my personal life in general, and I'm not even upset about it. I had a feeling sooner or later this bait would be taken. And now that it has been, I have no further use for a public personal facebook. That's right, I did all that for one person.

I need to see who I can trust. This person is not my friend on FB and has never returned contact after the minutest out of the way positive one line of comment I left in the most remote place you can imagine, again, not on facebook. Even though we met in real life during a big event and I was asked to turn over my intellectual property and help flip a fandom over, aside from free professional legal advice and an unrelated very brief late night phone call, this person has never in any way contacted me as a real human being with value.

After a particular bait hook went out, this person went through my public timeline and did recon on my family. The bait hook had nothing to do with my family, and I expected a very different kind of recon.

This person is a public relations professional. I feel this was a very unprofessional mistake. I just needed to know that in case something comes up for me in future.

I let that sink in for awhile, as you can see by the date. Making my facebook more private wasn't a rash decision based on emotion of any kind. I seriously doubt it changes anyone's ability to lurk me, actually probably makes the game more fun for some. Making this decision is more of a message. I have no idea if that message will be received, and since the bait took 5+ years, you can see I really don't care and that I have unlimited patience as a lurker deluxe.

There are other people that are much bigger threats or problems for my family, and I wasn't worried about that. I don't feel threatened by this person at all. I could feel flattered that I was worth that amount of stalking from someone who's been so around, but honestly, I'm just not that vain. I have laid out my life for the public, my personal flaws and fails and all the crawling I've done just to get here, and I challenge that person to do the same. Let's see a public relations expert truly go public. Own it.

I say that as a friend. Anyone who knows Pinky blog knows I own all my people, and I check on them. If I've met you and you impressed me, I number you among friends, even if you have no idea. That doesn't mean I am a rug to walk on or a toy to play with. I've already been tried by fire and lain in the abyss. I know what the dark is.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

I think I discovered why I'm time jagging so badly

Last night was our first #latenightmovie of 2018 with @LNMGang. I couldn't tell if we were wittier than usual, or if that needed an un- in front of it (unwittier than usual, for those of you who find mental exercise tiring), but we were definitely a little more blabby, which was fun. I think we're all just relieved the holidays are over. We actually had real convos going, and since I left a whole convo hanging after this next shot, yes, Lisa alluded to being Veronica Lake in a past life.

Dem boops. I never did figure this chick out, probably because I was also chatting on skype, lol. Hey, I'm not the only multitasker there. Blogger doesn't believe multitasker is a real word.

I won't fill in the wild turn this convo took, but just know I'm actually educated. Even more than Kurt.

By this time I was lost and just going with it.

Among quite a variety of topics in the chat was me being awed by Julianne Moore's stunningness and beautiful singing voice. I've only ever seen her in scifi movies, so a dinosaur popping up wouldn't have surprised me at all.

I can just see me in a nursing home not understanding why I can't break any blocks. It's ok if you don't get that at all. I have several groups of friends that will never get minecraft references, and that alone points me to #fam in the one group that does. Sorry, #latenightmovie gang. It's not you, it's me.

No, I'm not going to reveal what it was. You'll just  have to go watch the movie. The effects were really good, though.

And now it's super early Sunday morning and I'm already up conquering. I'm just glad I woke up naturally before Bunny did. She's already conquering, too. Every time I think I'm tired of Paw Patrol I remember the Little Einsteins era and my mind shuts up. And naturally, I have the context of being able to be thrilled the Barney era was brief years ago during another kidsitting stint.

Had my craziest worldwide week ever on Pinky blog after the when fools don't fly post. Didn't exactly go viral (haha, far from that), but definitely noted for interest. Most of those came from twitter, for a change. My dad would probably be very proud of me if I were a conspiracy blogger. How many of you can say that about a parent? Don't let that belie the disappointment I really am. I'm super fail at stirring up the big trubbas from behind an avatar, like some of the players out there.

I made it out to Bunny's first basketball game of the year yesterday. 4 year old basketball is my new favorite thing. I got funny video, but I'm not sharing because the shirts identify who and where, sorry. Just trust me that my people watching hobby is most satisfyingly off the hook being surrounded by adorably cute innocents and their unrelenting parents screaming at them. If you wanna try to understand humanity, start right there. We eat our own every bit as much as any massive spider or reptile hatch, it's just slower and cuter on the surface where it shows.

In case you missed what I just said, it was about the root of world depression. And no, it has nothing to do with basketball. Organized sports in any venue are just a cover for the underlying seething frustration embroiled into every event. It's a nice distraction until you think about how many kids went home feeling like s#*t because they couldn't earn the right kind of love. I can't help feeling that complaining about stuff like Hitler makes very little difference in that kind of spotlight. Thank goodness they're still adorable at that age, right? I can't help wanting to hug all the tiny little humanity in their tiny little innocence before it all slips away.

It's just now hitting 6 a.m. and I need to get my day going. Got chili made yesterday, but I need to get on top of stuff just in case. We're supposed to get freezing rain starting any time, so we might lose electric, and I'm out of data plan so if you don't see me logged on somewhere, I'm either taking a nap (unlikely) or don't have power. And I've already been pulled away from this paragraph twice, so here we go. Ok, make that 3 times. It's 6:10 now. My life exactly, constant movement from continual disruption. Beats sitting here like a lump, though. Couldn't handle the years I went through with that. Ok, make that 6 times and now it's 6:15. The latest one was spilled milk. I'm trying to be done with this and it's becoming every 30 seconds now. See ya.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

how are those resolutions going so far?

Jan. 5, Friday

Back to the ordinary. Kiddo is back in routine. @bonenado is on antibiotic getting better. The nastiest part of the intense cold is slightly warming up. We may get above freezing for a few days.

Started my new year off right with neurologist, rest of the month will be MRIs on 2 spine areas and a follow up EMG to check for nerve dysfunction. I haven't been able get back into my walking routine without acutely intensifying my foot pain for months, and if it's coming from spinal stenosis, I need to know before I possibly increase meds again trying to get back into that game. Continuing to ignore it and not exercise only lets it get worse, but I need to make sure I'm not making it worse myself. Closer to end game steps are steroid shots and surgeries (worse case scenario is crippling and paralysis), but I don't show obvious damage (leg weakness, foot drop, etc) during office assessment, which is really good. I'm still doing really well for all the work I've had to put into regaining my mobility the last 6 years. I started mobility and strength work 6 years ago. 6 years ago I was barely able to walk around a store and often used motor carts (for much more than this one problem), and I barely did the shopping. Now I do most of the shopping on a regular basis and never use a motor cart. I'd like to keep it that way for awhile, but this foot pain is becoming a real bear again over the last year.

Jan. 6, Saturday

Routine is such a funny word around here. 😂 The roller coaster is still there, just more predictable.

I've got my part of it broken down into a 3X3 format of things I need to keep getting done or work on this winter and spring. In one format it's personal, home, internet, in another format it's daily, weekly, monthly. The time jags I went through in December necessitate an urgent need to get myself back on track asap. I was able to fake my way through most of it, probably even surprisingly well, but underneath I was barely containing a mess way out of control.

When you throw depression, finances, daily chores, holiday expectations (that's it's own horrible list right there), forgetfulness, and the inevitable emotional fallout all into a dogpile together (I basically just described Christmas for at least 50% of everyone I know), it's a mess. And then January is about crawling out from that mess and starting the cleanup. A lot of people usually give up by March if not sooner, and I think that's because the mess never gets properly defined. Exercising our way to health without dealing with our healthy in any form in the first place (physical, mental, spiritual) is like putting a bandaid on a 6 inch gash. Going to a gym doesn't fix anything. It can help, yes. But without some kind of guidelines, it can actually make the mess harder to deal with.

So, the whole frickin' mess. I have to stay on top of money and calendar sync weekly. I have to stay on top of certain household chores daily. I have to stay on top of internet goals weekly/monthly.

Example- Personal includes hair and nail maintenance, right. Once a month. I actually have it written down because I'm so bad to neglect myself. I'm not the sort of person who even looks in a mirror. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Some people freak out about how they present round the clock, and I'll admit I've had years where I slacked around like The Dude. I try not to do that any more. Personal also includes calling my dad. I am super fail to check in with him, and I need to at least call him once a week. He's old and alone much of the time, and we can always talk about the impending apocalypse and the lastest homeopathic fad in the spam catalogs coming in his mail. Other personal things include medical. I found out last month that my disability papers aren't on file with my doctor, super fail since I got that years ago. I need to make a phone call and find out how to go about getting a copy into their software system. There's more, but you can see how organizing a time table for some things slightly improves my existence.

Example- Home includes the regular laundry and dishes, of course, but I've been extra fail this year with floors and rugs. I used to be pretty OCD about my floors. I have more difficulty nowadays, @bonenado is way overworked, Bunny is tearing around the house, and the floors have been pretty neglected. Well, plus my surgery. I've managed to pull off deep cleaning my floors about every 6 weeks this year. That is unacceptable, even without pets, if for nothing else than my allergies to Mirkwood. If I want to feel better, I need to hold the micro crap down, and don't for one second misunderstand that micro couldn't mean billions and billions of leaf mold spores. I want to breathe easily, so I need to clean my floors. I'm tightening the deep cleaning up to monthly, with weekly touchups when I do my regular weekly cleaning on certain chores. Years ago during my worst horrible year of being nonstop sick, I made a list and we executed it. We threw out our fabric covered couch and replaced it with leather. We shampooed the carpets. We set up hepa filters around the house. Within 3 months I went from monthly antibiotics for continual acute upper respiratory to not sick at all in sinus, glands, throat, or ears. So now I pull down curtains and wash those and rugs religiously. I change the bedding religiously. I rotate all the linens religiously. Been slipping up a bit this year, and it's showing, and that alone is dragging all the rest down.

Example- Internet includes pulling focus back onto the little daily chores I used to do to stay focused on bigger picture. I nearly threw all that out the door the last 6 months. I don't mean Pinky blog, I mean the entire structure I've spent 5 years building. I'm so close to being there. It would be a real shame to let all this slip away. I know the rest is already long, so I won't keep boring you. I'll just say that every little bit adds up, and it's all transient. It's my job to create and maintain my own presence.

From BFF convo

I can do amazing things sometimes a micrometer at a time, as long as I keep tacking on those micrometers. They add up. Again, thank you Chris Hardwick. By the way, all the pics in this post click out to funny sources, check those out.

Stuff is hard. Life can suck. Sometimes perspective is all that stands between us and doom. I can do this.

Watch me fly, 2018. Yes, you can laugh when I faceplant, but I'm still going to make it a few feet through some real air before that happens. Watch me.

Thursday, January 4, 2018

when fools don't fly

Warning- aspienado obsession post. Fly, you fools!

Someone in France is lately interested in my back to conspiracy school and gloriously idiotic posts from last summer. Other than meaning absolutely nothing (coughcough), I have no idea why anyone would even care. Except that 2/3 of my top traffic over the last 30 days is still coming from France.

(I'm not talking about Benedict or Lexx fans. I can see you, too. Hi.) I can see the (likely abandoned) blog the pings pretend not to come from, so I know they're 'fake', except that the pings are manually tweaked every few days, which I've gotten used to and hardly care about any more. One tracker sees the ping part, the other tracker see the actual incoming just before the pings get tweaked again. Someone stays in some fancy places making money off code ripping. I don't want to just blow off other countries like this site suggests since I have real people using search engines showing up and then actually using tags (and I'm able to compare all the stuff I see to fandom blogging, where the readership is worldwide), but again, this has been ridiculously overdone on little ol' Pinky blog. The target pings have been a bit too specific to just blow off.

Do I care? Why would I care? Should I care? I've known all this stuff that I write in my posts for a very long time, a lot of info (aka conspiracy) has gone public now, pretty sure the world has been dredged like a fine flour in brain training going out of control long before media moguls got a good grip on it, and I'm also pretty sure that 'programming' continues through entertainment and 'free' sources through social medias, like youtube accounts going viral. Get a mental picture fixed in several million minds, set the rumor mill in motion, plant seeds and watch them sprout across vast mind fields around the globe. Why are weirdly specific hits still coming in on a really old post that says No, I'm not telling you last night's dream. But it was very weird. It was like the world was becoming synchronized and everyone was being channeled into their favorite drugs and religions and then grouped up for strange mental exercises that broke down their safety barriers (killed the red flags and warning whistles going off in their heads) until everyone was happily wasted and cooperating like drones doing things they'd have resisted doing otherwise.

This has been going on since civilization began, so who even cares?

The ones who want to win care. I want to be on the winner's side. I want to slide into victory and not be culled. Call me shameless, but I've been alluding to that throughout this entire blog.

I've never named who I think or hope the victor might be. I probably wasn't the first to point out that one of the world stage players actually branded themselves into a unique lifestyle that anyone can now voluntarily contract into in exchange for services, although I never saw anyone else say it. That single post on 11-12-16 was what started all this mess on my blog, and that one experimental word (logo) has kept my stats off the hook ever since, to the point of making that post private for awhile trying to make it stop. (I'm neither monetized nor professionally published at this point). My only tags on that post were 'blogging' and 'stats' and I didn't try pushing the link anywhere. I wrote that this bunch was branding months before their official website ever went live, before the rest of the world seemed to even think of that as far as I could tell, and now we have this announcement.

For naysayers, there are a lot of people making really big money behind all kinds of curtains in entertainment, and if someone spams me 94 times on specific blog posts from another country about it, yeah, kinda gets my attention. I'm not alone. And this isn't a singular incident by far.

The fastest way to agenda transparency is to fictionalize it.

Now pay attention to this.

And now we're live tweeting in big groups, sometimes people over the entire world all at the same time. Our emotions spike and plunge for an hour together like an exhausting roller coaster, and while it's brilliant fun and I love how witty some of the viewers can be, it's very telling how easily people are massed controlled.

Um, ok, who volunteers for that kind of testing...

The people who invented margarine wouldn't allow their families to eat it, either. They said stick to butter. Didn't mean to pun that.

Hard veer grinding our gears, what do you guys think about V2K and our phone apps letting us know they'll need permission to access anything at any time? It's smoothly covered by actually interacting, like people asking their phones for info, but I've seen my phone pop on to 'listening' several times over the last month and had to be manually shut back off. This phone is over 2 years old and that never happened before this last month. I've never used that particular app on purpose, but apparently it can randomly just come on now all by itself without me even being near my phone. This stuff is not new. Why now?

Those of you who still go nah, that's just fiction really need to wake up. Weapons based on radio waves - electromagnetic weapons Or don't wake up, I don't care. I'm not saying live in fear or anything, because we've already been immersed in this stuff for years and most of you never knew it anyway, but you need to understand that transparency through fiction means you've already been told. Why make up such extravagant fiction? Why tell the same kinds of stories over and over and over in so many fiction shows and books and comics? Why is it so important to establish that governments have secret agents who may or may not be hunted or celebrities on the side or disappearing or fighting for their lives? Why is this such a huge thing that takes up so much of our entertainment programming?

What is voice to skull? - Click that. It's real.

Let's gear grind again.

I wrote this 3 years ago this month- bioelectricity- evidence that we are someone else's Sims, and this a little over 2 years ago- what if we're all social plug-ins We humans and all kinds of other life on this planet are extremely susceptible to electromagnetic change of any kind, even if it's just on a cellular level and we are not consciously aware of it. Elon Musk went viral about our world possibly being a simulation last year. Odds are we're living in a simulation, says Elon Musk While people freaked out about that, I was wondering how in the world he was so late to the game even saying it? Why didn't he speak up sooner? Because that was already old stuff.

Basically, the info is out there, and it's still very easily accessible for now. Internet regulations are recently changing, other stuff I've pointed out in past posts have changed while we were having holiday, all it would take is a dirty nuke from North Korea to take down the grid and our instant access to information, and who knows if youtube will become super tied down with more stringent policing regulation going forward. There's no excuse not to be knowing this stuff. Y'all can act all surprised, indignant, enraged, and terrified all you want when the shoes start dropping and things change more than you expected, but it's all out there.

I could slide through a whole other thing about the orchestration of internet addiction disorder (former Facebook CEOs have apologized in interviews posted on youtube, stating they knew what they were doing getting user psychologically dependent on the feedback loops), but I need to let it go for now.

Back to the moment.

metaphorical caution

From Pretty in Pink Wedding Coffees
"The average caffeine content of an 8-oz, brewed cup of coffee is 95 mg. A single espresso or espresso-based drink contains 63 mg"
From How Much Caffeine in a Cup of Coffee? A Detailed Guide

I can't have both a nice and quiet life and a life well lived, says the cosmos. I woke up to a skirmish between head and heart. My heart yearns, my head is going off like a drill sergeant. I ache for peace, but the screams push me back out.

The typo I just overwrote was super Freudian in a very creepy way, but my skin says it's too tired to make any hairs go up.

I ache for me.

Last year was a long muddle. I know what I have to do to unmuddle it. I need to love the pain again.

I see my neurologist today. 'Real feel' is currently 1 degree. I can't get my house up to 70 degrees inside even with 2 space heaters added to central heat. Getting out today will be fun.

2017 was the year I whined and sat around degrading on pain meds after years of steady improvement. 2018 is the year that 2017 becomes a bad dream.

Little steps to a better future. Embrace the pain that is me and get out of bed, get out of the house, get out there and BE. I want my life back. No one is going to hand me that, and 'real feel' in my very real life is that I especially won't be coddled. I will say this one more time- I was babysitting a very hyper child all by myself only one week out from major surgery. No one checked on me, no one brought me food, no one made sure I was safe in a shower, no one asked if I was ok. I know exactly where I rank in importance and scheduling in the world I've allowed around myself, and I'm going to own it this year. My life, my house, my future. My decisions.

Probably NSFW. I should probably have a trigger warning on this whole blog, actually. Caution: lotta crazy scary scifi reinterpretations and possible applications, but it's not what it looks like. Metaphorically. Meta. Get it? Sweet, now I can title this.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

the blue pill

original pic from shutterstock
Jan. 1, Monday

I find myself measuring time nowadays by 'since my mom died' and 'before Bunny was born', like how long I've had a t-shirt. I do this automatically without even thinking, like I don't put on my clothes without literally thinking first how long I've had it in relation to how long it's been since my mom died or Bunny was born. There is a 4 year gap in between those two events, during most of which I was dark and inaccessible to nearly everyone online. Today (1-1-18) is the first day I've consciously thought about that, which is interesting because I've apparently been doing it for several years. It's probably time to let go of a few really old t-shirts.

Jan. 2, Tuesday

Seriously? For the love of God or whatever weird omnipotence your hearts follow, will you guys stop arriving to Pinky blog through searches for "Rick Lagina death"? It's a bit disturbing at 5 a.m. before I've had my coffee. 😟😲😬😥☕ Btw, if you need to catch up or know more, put "Curse of Oak Island season 5" in your search bar, and if you insert IMDb into that search query, you get a bunch of update news articles, too. See what you made me do? I'm looking all this stuff up before 5:30 a.m. to see what I missed. Oh, and apparently he's still alive.

original pic from this forum
I added the words
Between the bitter cold (currently 3 degrees Fahrenheit at my house) and 2 space heaters adding to central heat, we've been flying through 3+  gallons of water a day steaming gently on a back burner keeping the air moist enough to breathe. I'd have more exact measurements if @bonenado would stop adding bits here and there without telling me, but after last night I can conclusively say pretty much at least a gallon around every 5 hours as long as we keep the pot from drying up and never turn the burner off. It's a 7-quart cast iron dutch oven that has seen better days, so since I'm retiring it anyway, it's my winter steamer. I've got my eye on this one next time a sale comes up.

In case you're going back to work today and need some legitimate distraction. This is from a package of valentines back in 2007.

I jaunted off into weirdness yesterday during a much needed braincation and wound up in a whole pile of celebrity death/clone stuff, which was a blast. I mean, Orlando Bloom, right? It's like the Paul McCartney conspiracy all over again. And I wound up sifting through one fan obsession after another, like all our pop stars are regularly cloned for back ups and whatevs. Honestly, if they ever made Benedict clones and auctioned them off, I seriously doubt very many people would protest. Pretty sure he alone could be the pivot launch into a precedent for everyone owning their fave celebrity clone to keep around the house.

And if you're really bored and hating work right now, here you go. Call it research, it's all good.

Now apply that to entertainment. People paying real money to embrace the weird, being brain trained into experience addiction. If part of the protocol is to be transparent, what better way to get everyone to accept it?

And in case that just made you grumpier, quickly divert. Try to enjoy being back at work. Just shut your mind off and coast on the blue pill. You're welcome.

Monday, January 1, 2018


click to purchase this print on canvas, metal, wood, or greeting card
Woke up from one of those very long tangled dreams to Barry Manilow singing a new Christmas song about superheroes, and thinking ok, that lisp of his is getting way worse...

I was at a friend's house up the road after not visiting for a very long time. For some reason, I needed to use her shower, and only very briefly saw her to ask, because she had to rush off, but handed me a folded note. I didn't open the note right away, just wanted to get that quick shower and go home, because it's always weird taking a shower in someone else's house.

By the time I got upstairs, the house had grown a bit bigger, added rooms, appointed details, and naturally I had to slow down and think Wow, she always did love her house. I made it in the upstairs bathroom, but for some reason I had to go back downstairs and outside real quick. I don't remember why now, but this happened over and over and over umpteen times, and each time going back into her house, the house kept getting bigger, more people kept showing up, until the entire building was nearly as big as a small shopping center, and every bit of it was still her glorious house, decked for holidays and people everywhere.

She wasn't the sort to have loads of guests, but very quietly the genteel artist type who loved Americana and flowers and the good life, excellent with complex recipes and always a picturesque purebred dog by her side. I didn't think about any of that in the dream, which would have thrown it all off. None of it seemed out of place at all. Everything that kept adding on an becoming more detailed and thronging with more people seemed right. It felt like exactly the kind of holiday party she might love if she had been born a very wealthy person. It had her spin on it.

I don't know how many times I made it back upstairs to that bathroom, which also kept getting bigger and more elaborate, but I finally opened the note. The topside was typed, and I don't remember much of what it said, but it was to me from her. Then I realized the underside was handwritten in felt tip pen, and oh no, the bathroom was damp (the shower was steaming it up), and a lot of it was running onto my hands and my clothes. Most the words were on me by the time I tried to decipher it, and the harder I tried to read it, the more it faded until it was gone.

I realized about then that I was in my shabbiest jeans about to get a shower, and there were dozens of people arriving all around for the start of the party, all dressed up from where they came, like one big family had just come from a ski slope and were all laughing and red from the cold and in matching sweaters, and another family had just come from a big church service and were still all dressed up and looking for the wine cellar (I don't recall her having wine around either in real life or the dream), and many other groups, and I thought Wow, she has a LOT of people connected to her. She'd always seemed so quietly reclusive to me, but I imagine I saw only a glimpse even though she was right up the street.

So I left the bathroom again, intent on going home to get better clothes, but it was too late, the party was starting, Barry Manilow was singing, and I woke up.

My very first thought this morning was maybe she had died and that was one of my heaven dreams, so I did quick recon and she hasn't, whew (although now I'm hoping there isn't something else). Yes, even though she moved far away a long time ago, I know where she is, what her house looks like, and a tiny little bit of how she's doing. I don't deep lurk very often, but a handful of people have never left the back of my mind, so once or twice a year I check on them.

So, psyche analyze this dream. Barry Manilow singing a Christmas song about superheroes. A friend's house growing very big and luxurious. Me trying to get a shower and being embarrassed about my shabby clothes. A note I couldn't read.

I have lately (this past year) become a bit self aware of how public I am. It feels awkward, and even though I'm not bothered by it most of the time (in my aspienado mind I'm just an avatar living a story), I've been feeling a little bit shy for possibly the first time in my entire life (I'm diagnosed with a mild to moderate level of narcissism, thankfully not dinging the psychotic bell or anything, but this is thanks to the childhood I survived as I've pointed out on facebook, you can find tests online to see how you rank, as well).

Ok, that was a stretched out overly-inserted paragraph. I'll just daintily step away from it instead of trying to fix it and move on.

I don't know yet how I feel about being aware of feeling sorta shy. It's not the kind of shy that people automatically think of as shy. I'm not afraid of anyone seeing me. I think it's more like I'm shy of seeing myself. I'm shy realizing I'm in this role I'm playing out. I'm cognizant of being ME.

When I was a child, I'd have very disturbing moments, almost out of body experiences, about being a skeleton walking around, about living in a skull, about my arm not being 'me', about my legs feeling like doll legs that I moving around from the inside. I know now that is a dissociative disorder. Not feeling in the moment, running all the incoming through filters, losing track of time (quite badly sometimes), and delayed emotional response most of the time come from this dissociated thing. I am often walking beside myself, following behind myself, distracted away from myself, coming back to myself. I am often not in the moment.

I love that I had that curious dream at the very start of 2018. I love that I have another mystery to solve about myself. What was in the note? I already know why Barry Manilow. My best friend that was murdered later gave me her double best of Barry albums before I moved away when I was 14. Christmas over the last ten years has very much become about superheroes, we are inundated with merch and entertainment on all sides. The beautiful house growing larger and more detailed was actually all in my head. More and more people arriving is me connecting, while I hide out in a bathroom. Click that. It's very pertinent. As for the shower part, that's baptismal, like washing off the old and putting on the new. Cleaning off. Refreshing ourselves. Maybe it's time I faced this.

I've still never reconnected to that friend. I've not reconnected to a lot of people in my past, but that particular friend had a very strong impact on me. You guys know how I feel like I'm walking through people's minds when I find their artwork somewhere. She takes photographs. I've seen all the public ones. If she reads my blogs at all, and I know she did in the past, then maybe she'll find this post and feel a little hug in her mind. I wasn't able to be what she needed when she was here, but I understand now. And that is the way our lives work, isn't it?

She was one of the very rare few who knew me in real life.

:edit: nearly 6 hours later- I burned 4 1/2 years' worth of correspondence between my best friend from school and I after I heard she was murdered. Clearly that is a horrible regret I live with, the note I can never seem to read in so many of my dreams. THIS TIME- the. words. got. all. over. me. That just screamed through my brain just now. The words are IN ME. I was handed a note and the words got all over me.

I'm not in the mood for a psychotic break right now, so I'm going with this is all normal and it's cool because I'm going to write a whole bunch of words this year that are totally going to vindicate that sad ritualistic grief burn.
Creating Rituals to Move Through Grief