-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
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-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Monday, May 14, 2018

ten years later

I didn't make this, but google clicks it to the generator and not the finish.

You know how I used to make lists? And then I'd check in on how the lists were going. I'm noticing all that kind of buzzes on automatic now in the background, and nothing is truly being screwed up much any more even though sometimes it feels like it. I started the actual Plan in 2008. I'm just now feeling like I have my whole brain synced up. That's how long health fail and nerve damage can take, but it's so much better than being stuck like that, or worse, gone by now.

I'm still here!!!!!!!!

Ok, where am I now and what am I doing? I'm liking the auto posts that roll out. I'm liking that they tag-thread into a story. I'm liking that I can walk off and not think about that while I work on other things.

One of the more recent things coming up is getting into the old fandom forum for salvage work. Tech support is in now, and the next few steps will involve making decisions here and there about where to house and maintain. I'm cool with whatever we need, the salvage itself is the goal.

Server staff meeting happened this weekend, and my two major assignments are to get back on platforms and research a new End spawn area. That's my homework the rest of this week in between real life.

Google super changed analytics, and all my properties unhooked. I have to go hook all those back up by the 25th.

I still haven't deleted Kaspersky and I really need to shut that auto pay off. Any time now, I think. Facepalm if I missed that. My email has been so screwed on my phone, finally got an app on, now my phone is so bossed around that I just don't even check it because I'm ignoring it so hard. *sigh* I know, not good business practices.

I have been using a Janika Banks address for Klout, and I'm thinking about making it my official contact address for property ownerships. I have to put something down, so that might be a thing.

Real life mode, have made it through this far into tree allergy season without resorting to using a steroid. This is typically one of my big airway rescue times of year, and I'm very pleased that I'm living more normally than ever through it happening all around me. Really cranking the antihistamines, still using hepa all over the house, still running my washer like a crazed maniac, still stopping most of it at the entry room doorway.

Tomorrow is a huge day, two appointments back to back, and Friday, depending on how I assess, I might be done with another round of therapy. No idea yet, but kinda looks like I'll be released. I can always go back later in the year if my shoulder flares up again. This area has turned out to be a crucial key to major pain referral and the reason I finally caved and got on gabapentin in the first place. I don't see me getting off the gabapentin, in fact have increased the dose this spring, but since I'm in Plan C now, I'm not going to waste time frustrating myself. The goal is to work within the parameters for best function as long as possible. That means continuing to control my blood sugar, don't get dehydrated, get plenty of real rest and good sleep, and eat as nutritiously as possible. Medications cannot save anything. They are bandaids, and they bring in setbacks of their own, so I have to be smart about this.

I don't talk about my real actual life a lot, but here is the thing. I don't run around doing much. I don't go to the mall or theme parks (I'm in a tourist area), I don't go to theaters or restaurants, I don't go out in the sun for outdoor events even though I very much wish I could, I don't over plan and over do, and because of all that, I don't wind up laid out on a couch for 3 days recovering. I'm a super spoonie, I know my limits. However, because I am diligent, I am able to drive my own car, do my own shopping, and be there for others as needed (within reasonable limits) because I haven't worn myself out doing all the other things. I am able to self care, self motivate, and self monitor because I try to stay in a good place for depression swings. The worst thing anyone can do for depression is spike their blood sugar and live with high blood pressure, and drag in the door laden with pollen and pet allergies to the point where the house falls into disarray and there's no energy left to clean anything up. I've been there. I've been so down physically and emotionally that I hid in bed for weeks at a time. I had to consciously decide to rearrange my priorities, my needs, and my wants so that I could find my way out of continual super fail on all sides.

I don't sit around, either. I cannot sit and watch TV very long without creating new joint pain and headaches. I can't sit at a computer for a long time doing whatever I want without seriously crashing my day, because I'm so useless when I stand up and I can't think any more. I take lots of breaks moving around and getting chores done. I do touch bases with several groups or family, I do my nerve glosses and stretches, I line up what else I need to be doing through the week/month, and I feel good about being able to do these things.

I don't dwell. I don't dare. The minute I go into 'poor me' mode, I lose. Profoundly. I sink into a bog and ruin the rest of my day with sadness. There is no one I know anywhere who can pull me out of that, and they shouldn't have to, in my opinion. If my mood is entirely dependent on another person boosting me back up, and they don't do it continually, then we both lose. I wear someone out, the relationship fails, and I'm alone. It's up to me to want to live badly enough to stand up myself. I want to live in a clean home. I want to eat good food. I want to look a little better than just rolled out of bed. When left on my own and no real humans, I'm the worst bachelor in the world. I'll wear the same clothes for a week, won't comb my hair, forget whether I've eaten, and utterly fail to meet anyone halfway by making it to an appointment. Because other people are in my life, I rise to better, and I'm glad I have those challenges. Without them I would be a blob of gross wasting away, curled up in a dark room with headphones on and medicated out of my mind.

I had a good mother's day this year. It's one of the first ones I've made it through without a big depression dive. Between that and still floating above the tree allergies, I'm pretty much having a phenomenal spring.

And since I have memory fail, I'm putting it all here so I can come back and see that I had a good day/week/month. 😊



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