*Wo*, got hit from the Bermuda Triangle yesterday.
I've had so many hits from searches for Rick Lagina again lately from so many weird places that I am sworn to get all caught up again on Curse of Oak Island first thing after everyone else gets back into routine after New Year's. Concern about both his sex life and especially his demise have quintipled again, and I wanna see why. Apparently, someone in the Mayberry made for TV movie set area has concern about it as well.
Yesterday was day 2 on Bunny's tonsillectomy, so the suckage suckededed really bad. But I think she's about past that part now and will probably be up well into 2021 tonight.
Also yesterday I finally got the last of the kitchen flipping done. My mobile office of 4 1/2 years is no longer a campsite. The long term planning and execution around this took about 2 months, but it's a solid idea. I'll skip details (aspienado wants to include lengthy details, Pinky says no) and just say I wish I'd thought of this way sooner. Genius in slo-mo, as it were.
The only drawback is that @bonenado and I can now see each other across the house into other rooms as we are both on the internet, so I'm already tossing jokes out about making cubicles. It's weirding us out that we've lost our only privacy. This house has no hallways. To be able to sit somewhere in this house without looking up and seeing someone looking at you involves careful angle planning.
I've already lost my first resolution pound. GO ME!!! Yeah, not sure how, I ate ice cream last night. This year's motto is GO BIG OR FACEPLANT, so I'm shooting for the legendary 50 pounds thing. I did it in 2011 in only 4 months. What the hell, right? I've had 20 creep back on since then, and Pinky is putting a foot down and saying ohHELLno, so I guess we'll be seeing who's really the boss of me. We haven't really test driven this new emotionally healthy integrated Pinky personality into the wilds of menu planning yet, so this might get interesting.
My other big resolution (I made only two real ones) is to stop the f*@#G whining and get published, because several friends have been publishing all around me banging my head against the minecraft wall, and another year of that will have me self destructing onto a comedy stage or something.
I just told @bonenado not to throw a protective phone bag away because he's ruined me being the big recycler that holds stuff back in case we wanna sell it. I'm like are you crazy, have you looked up phone carry bags? I actually bought one the year we flew to Houston. It was ridiculously expensive. So he asked about starting an Amazon shop, I said I have no advice, just go do it because I either don't have the time or I'll own it and be the boss and you'll cry. He walked off muttering he wouldn't *cry*, he'd just hate me. I called out across our lengthy office space that if he's successful, I'll toss lots of stuff at him to sell. He said he'll be setting up a cubicle.
So we were out yesterday running around the state and stopped in at Osceola Cheese (picked up an aged swiss, mmmm), and it about knocked me over hearing a young hipster dad asking his 7 year old daughter if she preferred the apple wood smoked aged gruyere or the hickory smoked goat gouda. There's hope for Missouri yet. And she picked the gruyere, correctly enunciating the entire phrase back to her dad. *wow* I expect great things from that kid.
Seriously, they had just about everything except buffalo and donkey cheeses.
Hm. Just discovered I don't have enough eggs to whip up a yummy coconut cream pie for @bonenado. Deep regret reigns over us, for now we must venture forth again. Today is a big cooking day so I won't hafta cook again the rest of the long weekend. Queued in fridge is vension burger for meatloaf and chicken for BBQ, plus we've got chips for cheese and salsa dips and decided to blow the year out with ice cream before we really get serial about the last big challenge on the carb cutting thingy. Ice cream is our kryptonite.
Not sure if I'll be staying up for any kind of ball drop, but I had my party yesterday, and I'm good to go for 2017. Egads, I look like I have no hair at all... It's halfway down to my shoulder blades again and wildly staticky, so I tied it up and stuck a sock in its mouth like a big bad boss. I look like aspienado on drugs. Definitely not demure.
Srsly, that's the last of using the same title every single day all month. What a drag. I'll never do that again. So glad I made it 30 instead of 31.
Ok, this week's suckage in a quick power point.
Tonsil day. The worst part was surgery being moved twice out of the blue around holidays. Bunny's mama had it so perfectly set up on the 15th and everyone in place for backup help, that got moved last minute to the 28th, so everything was rearranged and tightly squeezed into place, and then 2 days before surgery they called back and it had been moved to 6 hours later, so all new plans had to be put into place for keeping a hyper 3 year old from going into super cranky calorie deficit through the day, which involved parents losing lots of sleep keeping her up, and this on top of one having developed a severe sinus infection over holidays and another an abscessed tooth and not being able to get off work, and you know what kind of fun it is getting appointments into anything around holidays. Four adults, one child, a tonsillectomy that went super fantastic, and we all feel like we've run a marathon.
Sleep study. While I'm thrilled that the follow up got bumped up to a great weather week instead of being at the end of January with possible driving in very inclement weather in the dark, it came hot on the heels out of the blue right after Bunny's tonsillectomy. Right. After. That very night. Extra trips into town blahblahblah. I can't begin to describe the headache I've walked around with all day. But hey, I slept great.
IF the world will stop moving abruptly out from under my feet, I'm hoping to get something special DONE by the time the ball drops.
Tomorrow we are driving halfway across the state for an epic meetup and I'm very excited. That is all you get. Because of that, I'm posting this a few hours early, like handing in my homework ahead of time. I'll be too excited to focus, and I'll need to get ready and then be on the road for awhile.
Unrelated end of year stat report- Pinky blog averages 8 page loads per visitor session. I very sincerely say THANK YOU.
This 30-day challenge has actually been challenging. Part of the challenge is to discipline myself back to writing every day, because I kind of lost sight of that discipline over this last year, and then I just plain got lazy. Getting back on track isn't the easiest thing in the world, and it starts with small steps.
Another part of the challenge is to rethink my goals for 2017 while I discipline back to more consistent writing. When I first showed back up in 2012, I had mapped out quarterly and yearly goals and then watched my plan get blown up over and over when my main blog server shut down for awhile and moved (and then recovering my material from what basically looked like a war zone of rubble) and both my daughters getting pregnant at the same time. I managed to keep writing, even though I didn't stay on the main track and finally had to let go of focus on the main goal just to reign in the emotional splat my life was morphing into.
My original Plan wasn't "I want to write a book", not by a long shot. My original plan was to survive soul wrenching depression, a life crash that could unmake me without something I really want to hang onto. The writing is my lifeline between inside my head and the outer world I'm managing to survive in. Without the writing, I will be swallowed up and consumed with rabbit hole distractions and feeling insane, a tiny nut fallen off the machinery that keeps upheaving my life. Basically, I am part of a much bigger support system, and if I want to continue to be useful and good for other very real people, I need to find a way to be useful and good for myself. I don't know any other way to survive this continual onslaught of social pressures, intractable chronic pain, and severe depression.
So I'm starting over. Make it simple. Write something every day. Just do it. Just write. Once I'm back in the habit, I can start turning it toward other blogs again, stuff I've already set up for content that will one day, hopefully, become product- hard copy, kindle, whatever. Dare I hope film...
Several writers of really cool things have openly admitted severe depression and other challenges, my absolute fave icon being J. Michael Straczynski (Babylon 5).
So, basically, this is my mission statement. I'm turning this back into my job. My job is to survive, create positive things that help me do this, and be good for other people while I'm doing this.
Moving forward is about figuring ourselves out. Anyone can start taking steps, but it's better when you get your bearing and know the direction you want to go, then pack a lunch, put stuff in your backpack for in cases or might needs, maybe get a hat or sweater, golden ring or something...
Need. Jam. Stat. Here's to 2015. Waving goodbye to the sadness and angst, although it was enlightening and, once again, life changing. Finally worked through my stuff. In full public view!!! I've come a really long way.
Coffee going in. Bunny countdown on. Wakey wakey, little brain. One more day. Bring it on, 2016.
Braincation is going pretty well, I think. The Sherlock marathon isn't moving along as quickly as I'd hoped because I keep falling asleep, but I'm glad because I'm making up for last week and gearing up for next week. I just had one of the most interactive and wonderful Christmases I've ever had in my adult life (we've been through some really sad and awful Christmases), and all this catching up napping is pretty awesome, too.
I think I've done a New Year's Eve look back through the years, but I don't think I've done New Year's Day.
1/1/2008- I had been through 6 weeks of hellish CMV infection over holidays and didn't know I was on my way further down the black hole, but hey, optimism can't hurt, right?
It's amazing how quickly we adapted to that new 22" monitor and didn't even realize it. We took the Westinghouse back yesterday and have a Samsung on order. In the meantime, going back to this little 17" feels like we're back in the Stone Age. Wild. Here we were fussing about the 22" and we already miss it. But Scott didn't like that brand, either.
I'm feeling pretty optimistic about this new year. I'm drug free again, excepting for the basics-- blood pressure, thyroid, birth control. Feeling not half bad because I'm back in balance controlling the fibromyalgia and stomach problems. Not particularly bouncing around the house, but getting things done and feeling like life might be getting a little more fun again.
Over that last week watched Mr. Bean's Holiday-- sploit, I highly recommend that one.
Oddly, the ol' crochet itch is making a comeback. Wonder if that'll result in anything. And it's a good sign, because I had so much trouble with my hands since the Bell's that I had to stop embroidering, crocheting, beading, and even writing letters. Seems to all be coming back a bit. Hope it lasts.
Also regaining an interest in my websites. Hadn't checked my trackers in months and was pleasantly surprised to see that my Lexx site has been visited from over 15 countries during the holidays. Still having cool ideas about a new chicken blog. Have been doing a little myspace work today on the Eddie Izzard space (thanx for those pjs, sploit, made a cool background... haha) and my other blog, doing some more tossing out and simplifying, so I'll just paste the rest of what I'm thinking over from there.
Hope you all have an outstanding 2008.
Rang out the old year with homemade popcorn balls and POTC monopoly (Scott is a real gloater, watch that guy), and Dick Clark dropping the ball, as it were. Brought in the freezing cold 11 degree wind chill new year with bacon and homemade cinnamon rolls, and cool new stuff. New black toile on pink satin pjs with Eddie Izzard's Dress to Kill dvd tucked inside from my sploit (just about the most clever gift I think I've ever received), a huge new makeup collection for only $15 yesterday on a red tag sale at Penney's with a gift card, and a bunch of really nice winter sox by St. John's Bay for only $1 a pair. Beat that, Walmart. Watching the Tournament of Roses parade now.
:edit: In the event you caught that parade today, it opened with my alma mater, Pride Marching Band - Bands - Missouri State University, which has one of the top bands in the nation and always put on spectacular shows. Today they intro'd the Tournament of Roses president and Grand Marshall Emeril Lagasse. Also in the event that you caught any of the parade reruns on the Travel Channel and happened to see a text 'holla' that said "Scott ur the bomb", that was me, ha.
1/1/2009- I didn't blog anything privately throughout January but I do have extensive notes in February. I was public blogging surveys back then to get through because I'd been so very ill all year and was still sinking. On January 4th I published this one, which I later moved to Surveypalooza for better mobile viewing. from old to new survey I can't say enough for silly surveys keeping me going through some really bad stuff, although that is one of my more boring ones. I started picking up a bit later in 2009 when new Trek sent me through a spectacular rant, and then I disappeared again into private blogging in 2010.
1/1/2010- I actually did this. Seriously. I kept egg charts on my chickens through 2009. That's how desperate I was for distraction in real life.
In 2009, my 5 hens laid a total of 785 eggs.
Jaizzy- 131
Macy- 230
Dooney- 294
Spencer- 99
Bean- 29
Dooney and Macy never went into molt. Spencer and Jaizzy both went through two different molts within the year. Bean went into a partial molt and still hasn't grown some of the feathers back, even after two months.
Jaizzy is several years old and lays gigantic eggs. She's a Production Red cross between New Hampshire and Leghorn who is getting arthritic, but still otherwise very healthy with lush feathers and clean skin. She had Fowl Pox a couple of years ago but didn't seem to suffer any problems from it. She's 'wild' and lives in her own pen, but very set in her habits and now allows Scott to pick her up. She will eat snakes, frogs, and lizards, and can fight like a pro.
Macy is a Black Australorp, a breed famous for being prolific egg layers, solid black from beak to toenail (excepting her comb and wattles). She missed one week of laying this year for unknown reasons, but picked right back up. She's never seemed sick, and she is the top of the pecking order. Her eggs have steadily increased in size until they are nearly as big as Jaizzy's. Very tame, allows petting, walks at my feet, inspects everything we do.
Dooney is a California White, a cross between Leghorn and California Black, bred to be super producers. She is mostly white with a few random black flecks, very energetic, very enthusiastic about food, particular about her nest, and always the first to try to fly out the pen door. She dusts vigorously and will get muddy like a pig trying to dust in wet dirt. In spite of frequently looking very dirty, she lays pretty white eggs, all identical every day right down to the small bulge near the pointy end. She lays through all kinds of weather extremes like a machine.
Spencer is a Brown Leghorn, a fancy breed that looks more like a wild chicken, and certainly acts like one. High strung, preferring natural wild food, obedient to 'herding' only when she feels the need to be part of the group. Panics easily, gets sick easily (seems to be anxiety-induced), but lays *big* pearl colored eggs with very pointy ends and giant yolks inside. If she didn't have a henhouse, she would roost in the trees, and if we had a rooster she'd probably go broody and hatch chicks out in the woods. She can fly 100 feet, and bursts into flight like a cross between quail and pheasants.
Bean is an anomaly. She is a Speckled Sussex, a quiet breed supposed to be a steady layer and good for brooding and hatching chicks, but 'twas not to be with the Bean. I believe she suffered an internal injury or illness of some kind that destroyed her ovaries. She laid very tough shelled small eggs for one month before suddenly expelling a mass of crumbly stones, and has never laid again since, and doesn't seem inclined to start back up or even care to sit on a nest. I can't tell if she's ill, seems fine and eats good. She keeps up ok with the others, but definitely low Bean on the totem pole. Just keeping her around as a pet, see what happens with her.
I'm not going to average how many eggs per month or week comes from 785 since each chicken is so different, and some of them have problems. I assume the egg production for Jaizzy will continue to go down a little over the next year, and that Bean will never lay again. Have no idea about Spencer or whether the other two will actually go into a molt of some kind or just continue to slow molt a couple of feathers at a time while they continue laying. But, I'm also not going to keep count during 2010 to compare to this year. Got a bit old about 6 months into it, and would probably be more fun if I had a bigger flock of chickens to run stats and charts on for fun. But I think we can see that I had pretty good production out of the ones advertised for that, and without experimentation with more of their own kind and changes in feed and whatnot, I couldn't be sure what affects it. The one thing that happened this year that stopped all laying instantaneously was finding a snake in the nest, but once a fake egg was put in the nest, they mostly resumed back to normal. Other than that, and besides actual molting, I can't point to weather, temperature, free ranging vs. staying in, or any particular foods that make laying better. I can tell the chickens ~feel~ better with more fats, non-grain proteins, and greens in their diet than just chicken feed, and they seem psychologically more 'up' when they can get out and run and scratch a bit. The fact that Jaizzy is still producing as much as she is might be testimony to good health care. Another point worth mentioning is that none of my chickens have ever picked up lice or mites from the wild birds around here. I've never had to treat them for parasites or infections, they've never had shots or antibiotics or medications in their feed. I've lost previous chickens to unknown illness that could only be ovarian tumor or possibly eating something like a carpenter nail. And foxes.
Enough of the chicken and egg report. Probably far too obsessed with it, but at least I've learned a few things.
1/1/2011 "2011 revolutions"
Some changes I'll prolly be making over the coming year, although I hesitate to prioritize them into my life as resolutions.
Unsub from the 'patriotic resistance' league of super heroes who have nothing better to do all day than reprint articles off other websites and freak out about them. Two years of people freaking out across the nation is enough to last me a lifetime. I seem to be the only one who understands the tongue in cheek sarcasm I do about the death of our nation as we know it and the end of the world. It's like the joke on the Futurama 4-parter about the spacetime rip showing up, the people screaming in the streets for two weeks until they're exhausted and can barely breathe out a quiet 'aaahh...'
Start ~really~ throwing stuff away. Had a good talk with Scott today about going through the trash to pull things out that he might be able to get a quarter for at a yard sale, like a half skein of yarn I've had for 20 years. If I haven't used it in 20 years, I'll NEVER use it, and anyone else so badly needing to buy it at a yard sale is really pathetic, and Scott would only be enabling them, after holding onto it in the basement for another 5-10 years first, making him even more pathetic than they are. Yeah, throwing stuff away.
On a last year's resolution success note, I have successfully stopped all paid magazine subscriptions from coming through the mail over the last 6 months by refusing to renew anything. What a relief.
Just a quickie coming through, still working on the letter, right around the part about the blue jello.
This came a couple days later. I edited loads of stuff out, but you can probably figure that out.
Such a joy being married into this family. So many good years down the drain. ...
Several errands to run while I'm out. Library, post office, Scott needs 'teeth glue'. Contemplating getting my hair trimmed somewhere other than Walmart. Seriously, I look like a troll doll with short hair on the back of my head. If I greased my hair back I'd look like the Fonz.
Oh, yeah, I forgot I was going to make his family imaginary this year. They don't really exist, it's a figment of my imagination.
Thought I'd take a look back at last year about this time, see what's changed.
1- The little cedar tree behind the deck is gone.
2- Started last year with a ton of snow, nothing this year.
3- I was running sci-fi marathons, this year I'm doing cooking show marathons.
4- I was on antibiotic for swollen glands, and going through that awful neck pain and nasty headaches. This year (so far) is much nicer compared to that.
5- The nurse of the corn made my life a living nightmare, this year I have a new doctor.
6- Went out to eat for new year's, this year nothing.
7- Chickens were laying real good last year at this time, this year nothing at all.
8- Last year a bunch of Florida manatees died of unknown cause, this year Arkansas blackbirds and drumhead fish are dying by the thousands around an area having lots of tiny earthquakes. Maybe a lotta methane and CO2 bubbles are suffocating them or something.
9- --- smashed furniture in gram's house last year, this year he's an angel after punching his mom in the face.
10- Last year we were still breaking ice off the water dishes, this year they're all electric.
11- Last year I could walk out in the bitter cold without having an asthma attack right away. This year I don't go out at all if it's under 30 degrees.
12- --- blew up all over Scott last year. A whole year has gone by and he's still not confronting her, even though we now know the reason last year with her was so bad was because she was boozing on the sly.
13- The neighbor who caught his house on fire down the street across from us is gone now because he died a few months ago.
That was just the first couple of weeks of January last year. I think we've had more change over this last year than nearly all the other years we've lived here.
I'm totally stalling. I need to eat breakfast and wash my hair and get ready to go.
1/1/2012 "the 'stuck in the middle with you' song has been on my mind all day"
I won't share, but we rang in the new year playing board games in an office a young PTSD Iraq vet had moved into because he was terrified to live in his own house for some reason. I just wanna go on public record for being there as a mother-in-law that night when his own mother wasn't. The next few months got pretty rough for him.
1/1/2013 Bunny was in the oven and Twink was moving in and out and Xanga had turned my life upside down... I finally got those new glasses just a few months ago, lol.
I've got to spend January going through the stacks of stuff I cleaned off the table and counter and just dumped into bags. All my medicare stuff, mostly. Nearly have all my old medical paid off now, only $200 left on one bill from 2011. First time in ages. Want to start saving money back for new glasses. Will be 3 years around May. Get organized on where my money will go this coming year so I don't overspend.
12/31/2014 That's today! Pinky blog hits finally ripped passed Pinky Stuff on SyfyDesigns this last fall. I look back on projections I had in 2012 and fall over laughing. I had no idea I would be doing all the stuff I'm doing now.
We have Bunny all day long. I've been up since 5 a.m. and I'll probably be in bed by sundown. I'll probably be back up in the wee hours tomorrow morning, like I was last year. I'm going to call my bluff and raise me double or nothing. Can't wait to see what 2016 is going to bring. Oh, yeah, another full Bunny day on Saturday. You guys won't be seeing me much, lol.
I'm still calling this week a braincation. Sorry social medias, I'm being mowed flat by a 2 1/2 year old. You didn't see me stopping and doing many things in between all the sentences here for the last 4 hours.
This is me and lappy going down together in our final hours together before I pick up the new laptop next week.
Quick look back.
My new obsession taking over my life.
Breaking open like a pinata last spring.
This #bencongruity kept me sane.
Khanlock drove me through the summer.
What the frak, tossed sanity to the wind over the holidays.
And I'm going out with this playlist jam. I hope you guys have awesome 2016s. Don't be stupid tonight partying, ok?
Strong warning on this post. Do not read this post. EVER.
I was looking back through all the years on the day after Christmas (don't worry, NOT going there) and thinking wow, I've come a long way.
I think the most negative day in my life has always been the day after Christmas. I loved going to work the day after Christmas just so I could get out of the house and be completely distracted with all the exhausted angry people yelling at me. I actually reveled in being put on the front lines in returns for years, even won customer service awards over it. That alone speaks volumes about Christmas in my life without having to say another word about it.
People who know me from the old days know I can be excruciatingly thorough when it comes to documenting how a day goes down, blow by blow. I have Christmases on record going back years. The amount of misery and unhappiness I recorded going on all around me on Christmases past is such a drag that even I can barely bring myself to read back through it.
And today, the day after the reason for the season, the world around me is dealing with all the bitter disappointments in return lines and counting down to the next hangover in a few days. Time for New Year's parties and determinations for the next year to be better than the last.
General statement- most of you really suck at making the next year better than the last. Most of you never notice you trudge through another year of drudge not making much in the way of personal progress and emotional growth at all. Some of you actually escape that gerbil wheel and life really does get better, but usually only because you've had to make drastic changes in your lives anyway because of cancer or marriages hitting the rocks or losing someone you were very close to, most likely a parent or a child. But some of you just keep sinking further down into depressions and caves and cap it off with booze, drugs, meds, gaming, or some other distraction that helps you keep lying to yourself that everything's going to be ok.
What if it's not going to be ok? What if this is the year you die? For realz. Because that actually happens, doesn't it? YOU DIE. You don't want to, and you're not planning on it, but something goes terribly wrong and everything's too late and YOU DIE.
I came back out public very quickly after a scary night driving home from an ER thinking I was going to be ok, and was very nearly plowed in what would have been one of the nastiest car wrecks ever seen in my county. We were actually run off the road and just missed a head on collision doing 60+ mph from both directions. The place we ran off to avoid it by sheer millimeters was the only spot for miles that was flat enough not to send our car rolling, and we might not have been found for hours because it was pitch black and the highway was empty, except for that one car heading straight for us.
I will never forget those moments. Time didn't exist. We didn't scream or even brace for impact, it was that fast. We KNEW we would be dead in the next few seconds, and when it didn't happen, we were completely numb for several hours wondering why we weren't. It took awhile for our heads to readjust back to the reality of walking around our house, because we were that convinced we were dead. We even wondered if we might be ghosts like Adam and Barbara were in Beetlejuice, and we just didn't know it.
We all know people who go through terrible accidents and their lives change forever. We all know people whose families are devastated when a rabid cancer rages through and no one can stop it. We all know that frightening thought during illness that we could lose a child or a pet.
We live in cushions. Stuff like that happens to other people. Stuff like that isn't happening to us right now, so we're having a good year, knock on wood. Stuff like that has so little chance of happening in our immediate vicinity because we're being cautious and following some kind of guidelines and having our little faiths that it's all good.
And then if the least little thing pulls a rug out from under our feet and we have a bad day, we whine.
Suck it up, guys.
I turned off DMs and PMs for most of you 3 months ago. If you're going to follow Pinky, and you know me well enough to quote me (some of you do), then you know I'm going some place really hard and when I get there, there will be no going back.
I got my best traffic on Pinky blog for the entire month in the last 48 hours because I showed you guys real life in my house. And I will be showing you more. If THAT is all it takes to double and triple my traffic, imagine a book coming out. You guys are barely seeing the tip of what I've learned about surviving as aspienado.
I spent many, many years whining underground on private blogs until I couldn't stand myself any more. No one else could stand me like that, either. I was alone. I struggled for several years to change my attitude and write nicer, and it kind of started working, but everything changed in an eye blink when I wound up in the alt Earth where I DIDN'T die in a head on collision that would've flung our body parts around like a bowl of cereal getting knocked out of someone's hand.
You like the truth? Buckle up.
It was New Year's Eve. I was in my first marriage and about 6 1/2 months pregnant. I rode in with my mom and sibs to a New Year's church party and we had a great time playing board games. We left shortly after midnight.
Not one mile out of town, we rounded a sharp bend, and there was a vehicle flipped over on the side of the road and the wheels were still spinning. It had JUST HAPPENED. There were no cell phones back then, no houses within viewing distance. No one had seen it happen and we were first on the scene.
That wreck was so violent that one girl's head had been decapitated going through a barbed wire fence. Another girl had been flung up into the air so hard that she nearly broke a tree 12 feet up and bounced off like a busted up ragged pulp doll, still breathing that awful raspy drowning kind of sound where you know they're drowning in blood. I knelt and held her head (I knew her) while she finished bleeding out, stroking her hair, knowing there wasn't a thing I could do and that she had bare minutes left. God knows how many lambs and calves I'd helped hold down all my life while they bled out, so I automatically just gently held her head letting her bleed all over me. I still very vividly remember how her blood smelled, how her breathing sounded. To this day, I cannot bear to hear that kind of breathing being mimicked on TV shows. The smell of gasoline was overpowering. I can't bear to get even a drop of gas anywhere on me while I'm filling up my car, and even all these years later will go into a panic attack if it does.
Another girl dressed in black slacks and a beautiful blood soaked white blouse came walking toward us on the highway, so delirious that we couldn't tell if she even knew she'd been in a wreck. We could smell alcohol, maybe being really drunk saved her, but it sure didn't save the rest. When EMTs finally arrived, they found other bodies strewn around, and we found out later that the vehicle was so smashed and damaged they couldn't tell if it was a car or pickup at first, and then they found another body inside of it smashed to bits when they got it flipped and winched to haul it off.
That is my first and foremost memory every single New Year's Eve. I have never gotten past seeing all that, smelling all that, feeling someone I knew personally bleeding out in my arms.
Add that to several Christmases with people I love in hospitals, some of them being saved from the very moments of death, all of them in agony.
I'm going to be very plain about this- I do not care if you think you are having a bad Christmas. If someone isn't dying and you're not dealing with massive amounts of fear and spiking medical bills, YOU ARE NOT HAVING A BAD CHRISTMAS. I'm saying this as kindly as aspienado knows how, which means I'm being blunt and honest. Also, we all know that Christmases suck on general principle and it's never like the movies or the commercials.
click for Christmas blogger with good advice
Memories like these are why I tend to cut people off and disappear off social media during holidays. This is why I won customer service awards in return lines the day after Christmas, because none of that crap phased me after all the other crap I'd already been through. Still, imagine what it's like trying to balance several people contacting me on social media from all directions almost all at once on top of my own emotional stuff, right on top of my own holiday, and I'm not on the clock. Because ~that happened~ this year, and not a single one was my own family. I don't mind the private checking in for how's it going and mutual support stuff, but this private access to Pinky for emotional dumping thing about undid me.
As hard as I tried not to let it get to me, I failed, and now I own that it's my responsibility to explain why, and I feel I have to come out and say once again- I suck as a friend. While the rest of you moan about Star Wars spoilers, I'm growling around my house about people dumping their junk all over my head on the holidays. I'll take Star Wars spoilers any day over getting dumped on. I totally understand depression, but I am the last person who can handle truckloads of other people's depression dumping on me. If the reason I'm on this earth is to dump your bad day, you're completely misunderstanding the whole Pinky thing. I'm a depression blogger, yes, but I'm neither certified nor qualified to handle your emotional crisis. I've spent several months talking about my triggers, so most of this is public now.
You know that saying- Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. Well, let me put a new saying into your head- Every time a person whines about a present or a relative or social obligaton, another person is getting beat up and raped and killed somewhere in the dark all alone with no one to save them.
I spent many years on underground blogs whining until the day I was nearly wiped out in seconds on a highway. My whole life changed that night. I realized I had wasted YEARS of TALENT being very selfish and negative when I could have been using my talent to find the other people in the dark and tell them I love them, I care, they're not alone. But that doesn't mean Pinky is the trash can that people dump into while they keep oscillating back into not finding other ways to deal with their depression.
The best way to have a good Christmas is to find other people who are having a hard time and let them know they aren't alone. The best way to have a great New Year is to let go of the little crap and think THIS MIGHT BE THE YEAR I DIE.
For realz. Because it could be.
And now it's very seriously time for me to GET TO WORK!>=lFOCUS!!! I have a world to break in the most evil villain way possible, as a total loser.
The entire time I was writing that I was annoyed with something tickling my hair and finally a stunned spider rolled off down my sweater and hit the floor. I WROTE THIS WITH A SPIDER ON MY HEAD AND DIDN'T EVEN FLINCH.
I haven't made it this long on this earth to not do spectacular things with the rest of my life. Who's with me? LET'S DO THIS.
The following is going around, thought I'd grab it.
I AM THANKFUL FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT, BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO, BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.
FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.
FOR THE TAXES I PAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED.
FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.
FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.
FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.
FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.
FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.
FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.
FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS
I CAN HEAR.
THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.
FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.
♥ Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart! ♥
Wishing Everyone a Safe n
Happy New Year
To you All
On 12-27-08
So for lunch (it's almost 11:30 now) I'm going to toss a sweet potato into the microwave and just eat that. Nothing else sounds good at all.
Changed my mind. I'm attempting to make sweet potato fries. I love getting those at Buckingham's.
Ok, those were awesome, they are my new winter junk food, and I'm going to eat at least one sweet potato a week. I fried those up in half olive oil, half canola oil, didn't even salt them, and they were ~awesome~.
Puny people need awesome in their tummies.
On 12-31-09 Sorry if this is hard to read, xanga's html hash is gobbledygook in my editor and I don't feel like manually fixing it bcuz composer can't override, really loathe WYSIWYG bandaids slapped over existing html, grumblegrumble
Keep saying no to dog-sitting. Remain firm. Be harsh if I have to.
Stop cooking so much for other people in other houses. That has become a really bad habit.
Stop automatically responding to people asking me to do things.
No more magazines. They are an illusion that clog up the drain in my brain.
The yes's.
Pay Rush so I can see him broadcast live online, like the rest of the homebound lonely people with no lives.
Save up to fix up a Christmas tree bird feeding station on the deck next year. This will include a catch 'em live trap for squirrels during squirrel season, heh heh.
Cook a real lobster that is alive when I bring it home. I don't like lobster, but Scott got a little excited when I told him this one.
Broiler chicks? Maybe.... Good way to cheat and get more chicks. Temporarily. Love 'em and eat 'em.
Become one with the pellet gun. Become a killer. Cull the woodland critters that eat my chicken feed and scare my chickens. Tack their little pelts up like some kind of lunatic. Ok, no, I probably won't go that far. But I *will* try to blind and maim stray dogs and cats, because I'm that mean and show no mercy.
Shop for real clothing. Two years in one pair of jeans is 'wearing thin', as it were. I need exotic t-shirts that you can't buy in a store. (For instance, I need # 15 just to be droll- Funny Math T-shirts)
The diversions.
Devote my year to digging up utterly useless trivia, such as everything Mike Nelson, i.e. Rifftrax, the old MST3Ks, books, etc. I need psychological help from the best of the best. Get Crow and Servo t-shirts, or dolls, or whatever there is out there.
Digging up all the Terry Pratchett books out there might not be a bad idea, either.
Marathons such as Stargate Atlantis should be scheduled in every other month.
Roll out a Christmas plan that will take all year to complete, like a wedding plan. Make a hobby of it and enjoy it, even if it turns me into a sinister obsessive freakazoid.
Put together an album of all the food pictures I've taken through the years. I do not need a reason why.
Start a hate list and see how long it gets. Such as, "I hate people who are obsessed with flies to the point that nasty flyswatters touch every surface in sight and splatter guts and body parts and sometimes a thousand nasty eggs through the air." I think that's a pretty good one to start with. And then give a reason for the hate, like "Stupid people swatting flies are much nastier than flies being flies." And then for trivia facts, I can give where the hate comes from, such as "I once had a boss who swatted a fly right in front of my face and I was spattered and nearly threw up in front of a customer while I picked it off my skin and clothes." I think at this point in my life, it might be good for me to really air out the ol' grievances.
Consider what a giant and very complex rodent maze would do for my life down the road.
Keep the snail mailing alive and well. Surprise people.
Ok, here's the weather forecast. SW MO will be on the leading edge of a prolonged ~severe~ clash between the jet stream and two other fronts that will probably make it nearly to the east coast. We'll be hit any time after midnight, most likely before dawn, should all be over by 10 a.m. in my area. I've got candles set out all over the house ready to light. Finishing up laundry right now, just in case we lose electric, won't have to worry about having clean jeans and stuff. Thought I'd say all this in case a transformer gets ripped up and I can't get back online or something.
(note- person we knew with PTSD probs, no one was sleeping for awhile, and this a short month after a very nasty scary accident that nearly took a family member)
I'm going out of 2011 a total slacker. And I don't care. If 2012 doesn't like it, it knows where it can crawl off and hide.
On 12-31-12 goodbye 2012
Slept. Hard. That's good sleep two nights in a row with naps in between.
Woke up to heavy snow showers on top of frozen rain. Supposed to continue through the day. I'm loving it, but hope we don't lose electric.
194. I had gotten down to 182 at one point, so long ago it seems. Now I hover around 193 all the time, so I've gained over 10 pounds back, and most of that has settled in over the last 8 weeks and it never goes back down, about the time my stress went through the ceiling and then I crashed back down again. Time to start dealing with it and trying to get active again. Going to be a challenge, both my feet ache around my ankles and other joints because of the weather, so walking is out. I'll have to start doing my stretches again, maybe start doing some light upper body core work with the stretchy band. Start out slow, but I've gotta commit again. Thinking about writing a nerdist post on slacking back into being wimpy.
So happy new year in Australia, I think Xander Bennett just left on a plane again, but it would be midnight where he lives in Sydney about now. He's my fave writing inspiration. Script Frenzy, plus nearly every day he writes a one-sentence piece of advice on twitter. Also, another one of the authors that follows me wrote this bit about getting published, and it looks like solid advice, so I saved it. Some Advice To New Or Aspiring Authors | Michael R. Hicks
Tomorrow is also Colin Morgan's birthday, and they are 6 hours ahead of us over in the UK, so I'll be joining fans later today pushing that to twitter trend just for kicks.
I'll be watching 2013 come around. Time Schedule for New Year 2013. So far New Zealand is done, Australia real quick, Japan after that, etc.
On 12-31-13 I was doing assessment (s) while I was rebuilding my blog empire, very boring, but on new year's day I wrote Spiritual Math for 2014, because Santa died just before Christmas. We had a pretty rough holiday season, but when do we not.
On 12-31-14 THAT'S TODAY!!!
I've decided I don't like popcorn sox. There is so much stretchy string holding all those tiny tuft balls together that it tears up the skin under my feet if I walk around in them too long. I guess I'll be tossing these when spring gets here.
WordPress has a cute little annual report. Wish blogger would do that. My post about +Vicki Addesso's post is my best WordPress post to date, second place continues to be Are you a robot?
Sorry, not going to turn this into another assessment, egads. I think I was just so surprised last year that numbers were coming back up better than before the blog crash. Anyhoo, for hangers on who keep steadily watching the dotcom for announcements (thanx, u guys absolutely rock), yes I really am in final edit now. Contract says I can go up to 300,000 words, haha.
Now I hover around 193 all the time, so I've gained over 10 pounds back, and most of that has settled in over the last 8 weeks and it never goes back down, about the time my stress went through the ceiling and then I crashed back down again. Time to start dealing with it and trying to get active again. Going to be a challenge, both my feet ache around my ankles and other joints because of the weather, so walking is out. I'll have to start doing my stretches again, maybe start doing some light upper body core work with the stretchy band. Start out slow, but I've gotta commit again. Thinking about writing a nerdist post on slacking back into being wimpy.
