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Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Don't Let Go

Today is my 22nd anniversary.


I've been using the word anniversary a lot lately, and will even more over the next year.


I've been all over the map the last couple weeks physically and emotionally. It's a fabulous roller coaster of sickening grief and pain and sudden relief and joy, which isn't surprising given my hyper hormone surges again (thyroid & cyst) on top of allergy season. I'm sleeping great, thankfully, so I'm not full blown manic, but I'm loving every minute of it anyway.

I never dreamed my brain would be so 'on' again. The only people who've known me with my brain all on are lurkers from before 2004. I pray every day it stays this way long enough to keep working on all this stuff I've started. I know I'll inevitably crash again, because aging does that, plus I imagine I have a genetic predisposition to Alzheimer's since it's in the family, and my mom had hundreds of TIAs (according to an MRI tech) before the big strokes even started (solid family history of strokes), so with me already being autoimmune and diabetic, I know I'm high risk and facing my brain being ravaged head on, and I know it could be a very long and difficult and immeasurably sad road for my family once that starts, because I went down that road with my mom. And she wasn't real old when it all started. I had a brain crash at a much younger age than her from a virus, so without even starting on strokes yet I've already been through a decade of severe brain fog.

So you can imagine me hanging on to every second of lucidity and running as fast as I possibly can while I still have the time.

This song seems to be in my mind every time I boing awake lately.

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