the happy part is dubious

This always says it perfectly.

gathering moss

I've been making time to sit around with my feet up a lot more last 3 days, so it was apropos running into moss covered cobble for my player shop- all the metaphorical moss in my stagnant life, lol. This next is pretty much how my connection looks all the time. I hit one bar and start blinking off the server like a transporter glitch. I finally shared today that my wifi provider is negotiating with my electric company to upgrade equipment support for fiber upgrade, and after that happens (crossing my fingers it won't take all winter) I'll likely apply for mini-mod. I've got 1500 hours on server, makes sense I'd use being around so much to be more helpful. Kind of impossible, though, if I'm suddenly disappearing in mid sentence all the time.

My birthday is tomorrow. I will be a tetrahedral number, a sum of 6 consecutive primes, and more. Have a ball with that. I've been told many times I don't look my age. I never have. They say you're as young as you feel. Since I've felt like I have full body arthritis since I was a kid, and since so many have told me I'm an old soul, I sincerely doubt 'feeling young' has anything to do with it, because I've never felt young. If were such a thing as soul police, they'd never find me in this body. I feel like an impostor in disguise.

I'm on the 5th Tremors movie tonight while my people are scattered doing their things. I love that this movie series took a more serious turn than the usual shark and monster one-offs. The filming is good and the survivalist slant is credible, and the Burt Gummer character development has actually been fun to watch from one movie to the next, and each movie is progressively very different from the last. Here's more on Burt.

I'm not sure what is happening but I feel like I have finally clicked into place with who I am. My years of angsting seem to be dissipating and I can look back now and see how so many pieces fit. I was on the right track all along, just couldn't pull back and see bigger picture very well. I understand best when I see a flash of all the things, which makes me a bit of a savant, but only if I'm in exactly the right position with the right slant of light hitting the right tilt of my head and my line of sight at exactly the right height, so I'm mostly crawling along blind and stupid until that hits. I often feel like my mind is in Flatland, and my brain is dimensions above where I'm rarely able to actually use it, but when I get that click, #allthethings. And it's brilliant and wonderful and so satisfying, like suddenly I'm using my brain like Flatterland. And I mean that metaphorically, like applied to my emotional and social life. A particular person who talked me through falling apart in 2007 would appreciate this visual, I think. I saved the words from back then, and I can reread them now and see that I instinctively knew what I needed but was so mentally blind that I couldn't see or say them correctly, and they had to wash over me, over and over like waves along a shoreline, before I could go back and understand them for what they were.

I know now why I needed her, and why it was so important to have her back so I could solve myself. Sometimes a key doesn't know why it is the one, even if that key is the most important one because it's the only one that worked in that lock.

I was locked out of myself. The key turned. Everything opened up. I got stuck because the key was stuck in the lock. I had to be able to pull the key out of the lock to go on. And now I keep the key with me. I might never need it for the lock again, but it was important and became precious. The key to who I have been able to become, and hopefully even more, may have been a representation in my mind, but could only be used in the form of a very real and genuine person. We can't just imagine ourselves into being more than we are without other very real people making our hearts credible. Inventing and reinventing ourselves falls short and very flat without the warmth of another soul to care that it happens.

I used to believe I didn't need anyone to Be. I started a story a very long time ago about that. I think I'll be able to finish that one now.

~time passing, playing with filters~

~more time passed, need to let this one go~

lyrics

shattered

Life goal- an empty conference room full of laptops like this guy.

in case your weekend is going all wrong

and you need to click on this pic

to get more monkey memes

So it turns out Saturday the 14th is a sneaky bastard behind an innocent acting Friday the 13th holding its hands behind its back and telling us to guess which hand for a surprise. I could whine or I could move on.

Don't look up hand behind back memes, btw. Humans pretty much hold the 'I can type better than a universe full of monkeys' title and that's about it.

9 days till my birthday. I've already announced there will be absolutely no cake. The universe is trying to knock off @bonenado and it's not going to use my birthday to do it. Lotta people don't get that a diabetic refusing a big bowl of cake and ice cream is like an alcoholic desperately refusing a fifth of whiskey, and I'm not doing that to him while he's fighting off both shingles AND the snotty head cold from heck. I'm thinking filet mignon, though.

Ok, ok, I'll whine. It's nothing, just that snotty cold virus thing slamming my old cranial nerve damaged areas. If any of you have ever had Bell's Palsy, Ramsay Hunt, or even just a really bad blow to the side of your head and jaw area, THAT. The pain is unbelievable. I've been told by doctors that viruses will usually hit your weakest areas, like sometimes my thyroid aches during a cold, or sometimes all my joints hurt, but yesterday it hit my cranial nerves like a freight train, and suddenly I was flashbacking into 2004. There was no way I could use CPAP, but I actually slept anyway, thank goodness. And this morning isn't quite as bad, so hopefully it's just a fluke.

I know, right, I just blew all that off like meh. I'm the main household glue around here, if I go down, this ship will be like a sub that can't surface. I put myself on mandatory bed rest last night, and I may be doing it again today. No idea yet how @bonenado fared the extra Bunny care hours. With shingles. With a head cold trying to knock him flat. But you know what? It all worked out and everyone's sleeping in today and I have the router all to myself, MWAHAHAHA. Actually, I can't even sit here, I keep having to get up.

I'm really looking forward to this. I'm a big Mr. Glass fan.


Total spoilers if you haven't seen Unbreakable, but this is about the best movie ending scene I've ever seen in my life. I know, I've said that before.


That's it, I'm wimping out. Back to bed.

generations of oddizm

In case some of you think I go straight to minecraft nowadays when I wake up, this morning my first laptop venture was looking up Dezi Arnaz, Jr, jumping over to Dean Paul Martin, and then on to Olivia Hussey. The whole Lucy thing happened before I was born, and for some reason, very first thing this morning I wondered whether Little Ricky (from the reruns I saw) was really their real life kid or a gimmick for the show. I knew he was Desi's kid. And I've been noticing 'old' music in Walmart this year, like The Four Seasons, which pretty much also goes back past my babyhood, so I grew up with their music. I'm near the tail end of the baby boomers. "Baby boomers are associated with a rejection or redefinition of traditional values." Some of my more recent discussions with my psychologist have been about being part of the sandwiched gen that bridges over from the older gens to the younger gens. Those of us caught in the middle pretty much flipped everything, and our society here in mainstream American has evolved from robotic patriotism (and all its accoutrements) to a big colorful mishmash of people and ideas and the hope that one day we'll all love and accept one another. I still don't see that happening without global enforcement of some kind, sadly.

So yeah, mind still blazing around, but I just don't take the time to write it out much any more.

Today is my kiddo's birthday. This is her at the same age her little boy is now.

I am diagnosed autism spectrum, pretty sure my dad is super autie, pretty sure my daughter is on spectrum, and her son definitely is. He qualifies for social integration and speech therapies (he goes to pre-pre-K) and is part of ongoing research with a doctor documenting nutritional impact on autism spectrum in babies, toddlers, and kids. I think the big idea is omega-3 boosting being a good synaptic catalyst in brain development. So far, so very good. I think she's a way better mommy than I was, although she insists I was a good mommy, too. I never bonded with my mom, and the epic fail she felt was very sad, especially without any moral support from society and family at large. My daughter super bonded with me, in spite of me seeming to lack emotional instinct (I know what is *right* and stick to it, but the feels just weren't that prevelent), and she is like super mom with her kiddo in my eyes. She has so many cool ideas and ways of doing things that didn't even dawn on me. I can see now my mom tried and even went extra lengths, so she was on the right track, just in the wrong time period for acceptance and support as a parent of autism spectrum. I see a lot of parents on medias bemoaning their bad fortune having autie kids, and I just wanna say at least you have a much more positive support system around you now. My kiddo loves her kiddo just the way he is, I loved her just the way she was, and I personally think that is the key to everything in the whole world. Look around you at all the things. When you see sadness, it all goes back to not being loved and accepted for who we are, in every country, every religion, every skin color, every body type, every brain. If we want the sadness in the world to change, it starts with us allowing and embracing differences around us, not compelling others to conform to ideas in our heads, and standing up for each others' dignity and right to be here on this planet.

lol, I found a stats with cats blog

click for stats with cats

Do you guys ever check the logins on your accounts? Some accounts, like G+, automatically let me know if someone tries to log in with a wrong password, but many accounts don't. For instance, I discovered today that my another one of my accounts had an unsuccessful login attempt last Wednesday.

It's easy to geolocate IP addresses.

If this had been an IP lookup for geolocation on an IP showing up in my tracker, it could have pinged 5 different ways, depending on the device, the software, the service, the browser, a mask, and a few other possible things. Like sometimes an out of country visitor will ping through Mountain Home because Google translate, which is in California, simultaneously ping in through one of a handful of states depending on a facebook bot if that's where they clicked the link, ping a region and then a couple of cities depending on their carrier service and whether it's layered with a wifi plan or something, etc. I'm getting really used to seeing how people ping in looking at my stuff. This particular login attempt (not a link click or keyword search) was very DIRECT, local, and either bot-coded not to ping anything in a list more than once to draw attention, or was a live person playing around typing in my name. There was only one attempt because it's so easy to raise flags nowadays doing that.

When I check my facebook login, I can show up in several different states just depending on what device I'm using. I am familiar with my own IP proxies and regularly fuss with statcounter about their project cookie blocker since it blocks a fuzzy spread that isn't just me, so statcounter and blogger disagree on how many IPs are actually eyes on blog. Stuff like that.

I know this is a lot of gunk that seems unnecessary, but if you haven't yet secured your accounts with security backup codes, you need to. If I log out of an account and then log back in, even on the same device a few seconds later, that account will send a security code TO MY PHONE, and I will have to type that code into my login to continue. So far I've never had a security code show up out of the blue to my phone without it being me. If one ever does, I'll know someone is trying to login and trips the verification wire. The account that stopped the login attempt left me a note that it wasn't necessary for me to check my backup since security wasn't breached.

I kind of joke around sometimes about site hacking. My kind of slang for 'hacking' is running into back doors on unsecured pages. I never try to login to someone's account. Ever. I'm really good at finding holes and flaws in host site security, and it's usually accidental. I can assure you Vimeo is one of the worst sites for actual security. A few years ago Facebook was so bad that I was able to find back doors into private timelines whenever I wanted. They've got that fixed now, but it still doesn't help that their source code is unsecured. Myspace got so bad that they had to just wipe and rebuild, and before their rebuild I was going in manually recoding my embedded youtubes every few months just because they kept upgrading their security and knocking the coding off. Things are a lot better nowadays, but there are still lots of holes and ways in and around accounts to see content without logins, so if someone is actually trying to login, it's to get your personal info- banking, location, birthdate and social, OR to royally screw and spam your account. I've watched a few people work diligently trying to get swiped twitter accounts back when all they had to do was secure it with a login code in the first place to prevent all kinds of stress and tears.

I'm not saying that's foolproof. Last year my Facebook personal info was hijacked into a foreign 'facebook' account and someone was pretending to be me. It was harmless, but believable, so I contacted Facebook security and they were very prompt looking into it. I don't know if their promptness had anything to do with my Facebook account being what I use to verify a couple of other accounts, but hubbing accounts definitely helps prove you are who you say you are, especially if they're all sharing the same email address. The flaw with this is how vulnerable the entire architecture is if the email address is compromised, and I've seen that happen, too. One of the reasons I'm very open about who I am across social media is so it will be very obvious if any of my stuff ever gets hijacked. I'm hub verified through gravatar, about me, G+, and even had a real pinterest verification before they decided to upgrade verification requirements.

Years ago, a few people did try to login to some older accounts I had that I could see happening over and over on a really good tracker, and when I first set up G+ I got a solid login attempt notification complete with IP and a sweet little zoom map. I expect people to test me once in awhile when I toss around being a little bit tech savvy, so I publicly blew it off, although I'll always have that info. I'm sure there've been other attempts I don't even know about, but the personal attempts have pretty much stopped with multiple step verification turned on, because that's the fastest way in the world to find out there's a hack attempt going down live. I know that sounds exciting, but it's not. It's mostly just a big facepalm and extra work having to check on who is it now kind of thing.

Since I do have friends all over the world connected with me across my social medias, I'm quite used to seeing a wide variety of areas pinging my trackers. It's fun to watch numbers and maps, and sometimes I can even pin down who they are, but mostly it's a sport I really don't have time for. Login attempts, however, get my full attention. And I know some of you will naively shrug that off as spam bots, but bots swarm around sticking on without ever having to login. You'd be amazed how many porn site pingbacks Pinky blog gets from people playing around with apps looking for keywords, and don't worry, those don't show up in statcounter.

As always, this kind of stuff makes a birthday more fun, like last year. I'm taking a quiet day off not doing much, dinking around my piles of stuff and running into things. I bought a waffle iron to make chocolate cake waffles this year, but I haven't even started that yet. I'm thinking about playing around with a coffee flavored cream cheese fluff dip. I know Scott won't be crazy about it, but I bought him some ice cream today to make up for it.

This song has really been sticking with me the last few days. I think it's a birthday thing. There's so much I want to talk to her about, but so many years passed that I think we've just lost that part, and all we can do is let there be a gap. It's funny that most of my life has been about big gaps left behind me...

this is me not fighting on Reddit

yesterday

So I'm coming out of a negative spoon slug haze waking up from #napclub after going to an appointment and running errands and doing my grocery shopping in 104 heat index and the very first thought that hit my brain was someone on Reddit called me a blog spammer last week, because I posted *a* link.

Here is my comeback, because it takes aspienado forever to process, interpret, and respond- It's blog*whore*, nidiot. No upvotes for you!

Now I want the mug.

today

Was I complaining about sleeping too much? +_+ Kinda want that back... 3 a.m. feels way too early on a day where we might be up till nearly midnight with a very hyper birthday Bunny.

I am loving all these new adult coloring books. First The Bloggess announced hers, and it's really awesome, and now Lisa Frank. I don't care what anyone says about 2016 being awful, this is the year of the really cool coloring books. Plus the ones we already got from sploit!!! Latest one Lord of the Rings for @bonenado's birthday on Sunday. He also got a time machine...

I'm losing track, but we are good for coloring books. I may need those to get me through the holiday season without cracking this year. Oh, and let's not forget the new Harry Potter book.

I've decided I'm making a small pan of brownies today. I'll have cake around me all weekend and a single serve nacho binge won't feel like retribution. In case you're new, I'm allergic to wheat (yes, actually, among other things), and even though I've gone 5 years now without guacamole and lemon pie and nuts or peanuts of any kind and at least 2 years since I had to let go of pasta and pizza and sandwiches, it's still a little difficult being around cake. Nothing else bothers me. I can waltz through a restaurant and never once feel phased or envious, and I very rarely mourn or wallow about not getting to eat an old favorite something when I'm grocery shopping, but this weekend I may need to buckle under and allow a rice flour chocolate treat so meemaw won't get crabby and go to the dark side. Besides, it's easy to portion out and calorie count brownies. I'm really good with it and I trust myself.

Btw, I use Hershey's 'best brownies' recipe from their Chocolate Treasury cookbook (1989), and seriously, everyone says it turns out better with King Arthur gluten free flour than regular flour, more fudgey with a crusty top, and no worries about xantham gum, those other flours don't work right.

Since that recipe is different from the other 'best brownies' recipes they have online, I'll write it down here.

Blend 1/2 c oil or melted butter (I use olive oil), 1 c sugar, and 1 tsp vanilla. Add 2 eggs, blend well (I use a spoon, works just fine). Combine 1/2 c flour, 1/3 c cocoa, 1/4 tsp baking powder, and 1/4 tsp salt, blend into egg mixture.

Bake at 350 in 9-inch square pan for 20 minutes.

Rice flours generally don't work well for me in baked goods, so I've pretty much stopped baking sweets at all (which makes controlling my diabetes way easier), but that brownie recipe is a great fallback for just in case.

Heat advisory has been ramped up to excessive heat warning, 110 heat index through Sunday. After today, I don't plan on leaving the house at all. I've gotta pick up Bunny's cake around 10 and then pick her up around noonish maybe. Papa will be the one taking her up to the pool and swinging outside and stuff. I'm sure they'll melt. I have a freezer full of freezy pops and a big bag of ice cold grapes, plus we already have some homemade ice cream. The recipe for that is super easy, especially if you've got an electric freezer.

Stir together 1/2 pint whipping cream, 2 cans evaporated milk, 1 c sugar, 1 tsp vanilla, and then I crush in one strip of oreo Double Stuf cookies, follow the directions on the electric freezer, then pour off into little containers and put into your freezer.

My side of a convo with Kai yesterday about Austin Powers, my pegasus on minecraft.

Chenopods are finally noted on pollen.com for my area. That's thistle. Lotta thistle around here.

OH, I need some Benspiration this morning. Yes, ~blogwhore~.

the short short version

Power point today.

I have been asked to preview review a new series already released in the UK and Oz. After some amusing tech challenges, I have finally acquired the first 8 eps.

Back in therapy! Today I start weekly full upper torso core strength and all the things that come with it.

Ah, yes, my house in MoCreatures. Details coming soon. Basically like Disney for evil villains. I am quite possibly the only person in the entire minecraft world who has attempted to move a spider spawner to a rooftop that looks like it came from the blackest pits of hell.

Pollen is still a problem, but at least I seem to be past the inhaler part. Still chunking down quite a lot of zyrtec and benadryl.

Finally resuming workouts. First week in May was spent lounging around like I was recovering from pneumonia or something. Still really surprised how well controlled the fibro was without major meds, but the fatigue took me out.

I've gained 3 of the 6 pounds back, and while I'm not happy about it, I'm thrilled it's not 10. Chronic anything and meds are so bad for weight gain. I think the secret is double the protein and slack off the carbs. Carby days were mostly handled with sweet potato fries, which is much better for a body than sugar and flour stuff.

Today is Batman's birthday. I hope life is always this magical for him.

BACK TO WORK!

step by step

This meme collection is awesome, click to check it out

You know what the best part of my birthday was? YOU GUYS. It got so busy here that I went back and scoured GWT making sure I wasn't being hit by a bot swarm, but it was mostly just a steady pingpingping of people bouncing around through the archives all day long, and I could tell much of it was definitely keyword driven. So- thank you. What a pleasant surprise to watch all my all-time scare records being broken on my birthday. This is from statcounter, which is super conservative. (I'm still not clear why certain countries aren't even acknowledged in my statcounter, much less not counted, but I guess that's better than the people I see complaining of bot probs from those countries.) Since I don't monetize, I don't have to worry about click fraud, but I use that kind of thinking to keep an eye on real people vs bots.

That is why I so aggressively scour referrals. Are you guys real? No sense getting excited over numbers if it's auto-clicking.

Checked on a deeper GWT social network referral list yesterday and discovered I somehow got tied into twopcharts (I qualify for global), nuzzel (that one was pure Kai poster/Lexx fans and was near the bottom of the referral list), and someone using the darkwm.ru domain linking one post (also Lexx related) that got me one indexed referral, so I'm thinking someone grabbed the page in a private download, like I do with my Torch browser grabbing vids or something.

I could keep my eye on Russia for bots, but the hits are already slacking way off again this morning, so good night and sweet dreams. This was the last 24 hours. Russia is normally only a fifth of the total (again, assuming Lexx or other fandom visits if no verified bot behavior). Whatever the motivation, it's not significantly alarming. Since some of my material has been translated and fan pix salvaged and saved, I'm always happy to see Russia.

We didn't do a whole lot on my birthday. I didn't have cake or anything (I'm diabetic), and I very thankfully got a nap after a day out with Bunny and her brother because I'd had one of my boingy bouncing out of bed at 1 a.m. nights the day before and then popped back out of bed at 3 a.m. on my birthday. Anyway, this is the cuteness my birthday party leveled up to. This happened at Bass Pro. twitter - facebook - webapp Not paid to link those.


@bonenado picked up some hunting boots and jeans there (yes, on MY birthday), but I got these cute sox from Tractor Supply in Nixa. My birthday continues to be about footwear, lol.

This was the card he got me. It's so us.

This wasn't too shabby as far as birthdays go, either. It clicks out if you want to see more.

I 'live out loud', so I'm still finding my balance with private stuff, how much to share, when to share it. We kind of have a running gag in our morbid little family about people we care about dying or having funerals on Twink's birthday (that is Bunny's mama), but somehow sailed right past her birthday for once without anything awful happening, yay!

It's my turn for the jinx. And it got a little tense.

I don't say much about our real stuff, but I did share a post called interruptions a couple of years ago that got pretty personal. We'd gotten through a really tough Christmas, and I won't repeat any of all that stuff right here. It's out there if you care to go deeper. A few harder core lurkers know Twink spent a miserable and very frightening Christmas in a big hospital across the state several years ago, and after that I just stopped taking holidays seriously any more. One of the reasons my Lexx fansite boomed in 2006 was that I had to stay distracted during stuff that culminated into a Christmas tree never getting decorated. (Scroll down to the bottom of Why Lexx Is Personal to see my Twink.)

Given all that info I just linked, you might understand why I stepped back from being public on my own birthday when Twink's mama needed to go to hospital and have some tests run, and found out some pretty big stuff was going on. The question actually came up- What if she dies on your birthday? Two people asked me that. I'm sure more would have asked that if more had known what was going on. Part of family politics is damage control around gossip, and it's bad enough keeping stuff private in our own house, much less keeping it off facebook and phone calls and stuff. We protect ourselves and those we love with our silence.

I had a good think about that, and I realized very quickly that I would embrace it because I love my Twink. Can you imagine your mom sharing a death day with your stepmom's birthday? *wow* Her mom has been part of my life for a long time, and part of my whole marriage. I have learned more about myself through Twink and her mama than through anyone else on this earth. I have learned commitment, compassion, and some very deep love and forgiveness stuff, which is a biggie for aspienado. I've learned more about my humanity from them being in my life than from anyone else I've ever known. Many people have a problem letting go of their boundaries and embracing the more difficult challenges, but I've come through two decades of learning what family is really all about. Twink's mom is family to me by extension, and even though I'm relieved we're past the awkward morbid joke stage, I know now that I would never feel conflicted about it. What good would I be to Bunny's mama if I took something like that personally? I would be mortally embarrassed if anyone turned this into me selfishly feeling upstaged by an ex-wife, and I was horrified thinking how that would backwash onto Twink's feelings for the rest of our lives. I don't want to be awful, but I grew up with grownups around me being snotty about things like that, and I can't even imagine what I'd be like now if I'd never had these opportunities to learn to think differently about how I see the world.

click for meme explosion

While I may not automatically believe in the inherent goodness of humanity, I don't believe people are naturally bad, either. Who we are and become has so much to do with the world around us, and we wouldn't be human if we didn't stumble and fall, sometimes quite a lot. Very quickly we could wind up in the dark alleys of choice, and from there into the extremes of victimization, but let's quickly divert into the eyes of a watcher, one who knows the dark well enough to see in it, but not so much to pry as to dabble with metaphorical ink. Perhaps pry + ink = pink.

One of my dreams last night took place in a Shoney's type restaurant buffet, except the food bar was a street drugs bar with an impressive spread of everything from cheap mail order xanax (your basic instant mashed potatoes) to high dollar cocktail blends (the savvier stir fries and lasagnas). Along this buffet all the people freely mixed, rich suits and smelly rags, heeled vixens and crippled homeless, prep and jock and lab students and downtrodden and cast off and drop out students. Everyone imaginable was there, getting along for show like people do at Christmas parties. No one is sinless in this. We are all part of this culture and all its subcultures.

And as it turns out, I did get a call on my birthday that someone else I'm actually related to really had died. You guys know I live for irony. So many hugs from my heart go out to you guys. I hope one day I can do so much more than blog.

lyrics

really super boring stat compromise stuff

click to try 'Hacker Typer'

Friday @ 4 p.m.-ish

I think I've figured out the google play store app referral thing. I was able to get into the app referral elements and see a 'client' that goes to a completely empty blank page, my pinterest button in my browser being used as a router of sorts, and my GWT blogger ID hijacked almost in the same code line. So I went to statcounter, the interface with GWT there is screwed, and it looks like statcounter just chopped GWT off all my projects as a failsafe. I can't even get into the config pages right now to set it back up. I have no idea if that'll stop the referrals.

For someone trying to control for real people hits instead of bots, this is something I want to get on top of. I mean, it's not like I'm spiking off the chart or anything, so far it's less than 40, which is actually way under what the Brazil thing did to my other dotcom. Wonder if the hits that skidded in got a surprise, they're coming in from an age rated app in another country, so maybe they're expecting Pinky porn or something.

I was also able to get into some cache code from the app referral elements that blogger allows me to open up from 'traffic sources', and there is like a jillion lines of pure gobbledygook, it's not even number lined or oriented into code 'sentences', just everything all run on. I went back to the app in the google play store and discovered the FAQ page is empty. I got several screen snips of the referral elements, if I wind up having any problems I'll be able to give all kinds of info to 'complain to google'. I think what I'm seeing is a hijacker app that loves Pinky blog because it's so link and graphic heavy. (I'm sure the word 'pinky' doesn't help...) I doubt this was personal. It's like how I complain about bots running everything, right?

So I went to my GWT console, and sure enough, crawl stats totally spiked over the last 24 hours, so I just removed the statcounter ID user for now. So far nothing terrible- "Currently, we haven't detected any security issues with your site's content. If you want to learn more about security issues and how they could affect your site, review our resources for hacked sites. However, if you see a malware warning in the browser when navigating to your site, it's likely that your site is referencing code or content from another domain that has malware. Read up on cross-site malware and learn how to address it." I've mentioned crashing a hard drive a few years ago pulling an illegal music download off a super buggy fan site, so I think it's nice to be able to get a doctor report on my blog like that. I occasionally run into serious malware warnings popping up that freeze my screen and I immediately just kill lappy and reboot. If my own blog ever does that, there will be serious excavation going on around here.

Pic clicks to source, but this is another one of those click here to right click for gigantic version

Along this journey I discovered Itzel Pinky Guerrero on soundcloud and actually really like it. No, that person isn't the app problem, that's why I'm sharing. I'm not the biggest rap fan, but I liked that pretty good, had the playlist going while I checked all this other stuff out.

~~~~~~~~~~

A few hours have passed, I can't pull up statcounter at all and I see people on twitter complaining that it's down, so I imagine they're scrubbing the code squeaky clean again.

Saturday @ 3:15 a.m.

So... Google turned it off on their end first? I have no idea what's even going on at this point, but the play store app thing seems to have stopped since last night. On top of this, Brazil has showed back up on my other dotcom, and I can now correlate the old buttons-for-website question thing to them. I just went through the whole GWT console deleting statcounter user IDs. Also, thanx to GWT, I can see that on the 19th, 4 different much older posts on Pinky blog were index-compromised because of a pinterest widget resource block, and I'm assuming that's why I saw pinterest in that elements code for the app referral link. I was wondering why those particular posts were showing back up in stats out of the blue. 

There is another resource block from a really old widget I put in the first day affecting indexing on 58 other posts, but has nothing to do with the play store app and doesn't seem to be causing any problems. I think GWT is fussing that it can't get the data back from you guys clicking on it or something during visits over time. It's a really old widget that I've used for years, long before google was anything more than a search engine. so it stays.

Hang on, I need a second cup of coffee.

You guys know this mess was the best birthday present ever, right? #aspienado


Now that I've got my little stats mess figured out, I'm going to move on to continued dabbling on the Mantrid post and continued projects around my house while I keep my phone open. I do sincerely apologize for the severe lack of twitter all week, I really mean it, and I also sincerely thank you guys for not DMing me with support or asking what's up. By now you know I'll tell you stuff, it's just not appropriate yet and you'll get way more and better info later if I don't get scattered wearing myself out repeating the same thing over to one person at a time (super aspie's so aspie). I've made this decision out of respect more than anything, so hang on, we'll get there. I'm not sure yet if today will be a long one, and I want to stay ready for backup assistance. You guys know I don't do private updates for friends-only on facebook or anything, everything is all public, and I'm balancing a need-to-know thing.

Oddly, I don't feel in a frivolous mood today, but a respectful one. Some days are meant for being conscientious of other people's stuff. All my hopes are for a good day, a good weekend, and a good rest of the month in my family, and keeping in mind that it isn't always about me.

ok, this one is an actual touch base

When stuff like this happens in my notifications.

links to #teamspooge convo headed for #ironchefspooge production

I bet all you people who create bot algorithms think you're hot stuff. So many of the robot accounts gather and retweet, the slyer ones think they look more like real people helming the controls when they leave fav trails through activity feeds.

Can you imagine running into another world out there with real intelligence spewing out all over the place? We'd be in this giddy news heaven repeating all the stuff we interpret from their communications going on, and eventually we'd grind down to an emotionally deflated drag through what turns out to be nothing but millions of bots regurgitating each other in feeds (which we in turn regurgitate...). I'm sure that's what most of our stuff would look like to aliens. What would be funny is realizing that there was nobody left under all that endless yap. Everyone croaked off, the bots continued their feeding frenzy. Get it? Feeding frenzy. Timeline feeds. Nevermind...

You can click this pic back to the funny convo
but right clicking and saving from there
won't get you a really super big wallpaper
like finding it in search like I did
Right click that one and it's huge
You're welcome

I keep running into blogs about how to blog, how to start writing if you go into a torpor and don't know what to write, how the catatonia of writer's block is actually cathartic, how a running stream of content is preferable to stagnation, and all I can say is, all you guys are doing it wrong.

If you are miserable trying to set up a blog or miserable trying to actually blog or miserable and leaving a trail of abandoned blogs or miserably frustrated and deleting blogs, peut-être pas le blogging est votre forme d'expression, si? If you are feeling relieved a goal was reached so you can take a break (especially if you are paid for the content or otherwise grinding through forced content to push monetization efforts), peut-être que vous avez choisi de ne pas faire ce que vous aimez.

I'm under huge loads of stress this week, and it's all I can do to tear myself away from my blog right now. I want to write so bad. I have so much stuff. I have to keep parseling my time out over parsing my thoughts.

But I've gotta pull myself together! This is a big month with big stuff going on and I need to keep moving and doing and staying ready. By the way, I finally lost a pound. Remember those two pounds that showed up during the 14 hour Bunny day? I think I've finally convinced my good fellow cellular citizens that we don't need to pull that kind of a panic and keep such a tight inventory over calorie clinging. Chillax and let it go, froody little dudes.

God bless fans, for ye maketh my dayeth bettereth.


This is me giving a few more minutes to chillaxin before I bound off into the world of laundry and cooking and floors and dentist and another Bunny day and all those new pre-deep tissue reconditioning nerve flossing exercises I've started. That's right, we've arrived to nervous system assessment and retraining, which means relearning how to move everything in my body, since I'm such an aggressive strength trainer that I'm pushing nerve fail. Iz a delicate balance, and an indicator that I may be on another fence regarding reassessment between severe fibro vs mild MS, or even both. Nothing scary after all the stuff I've been through so far, more like exciting to reach a respectable let's rethink this diagnostic approach level.

Big weekend! My birthday! #napclub lol Did I mention I finally broke out the blu-ray set?



p.s. I promise I'll be back on the twitters soon, gimme a couple more days, ok? Love you guys.

perspective

Woke up in a new place, after my arduous months-long tortured crawl through this blog sorting my head out, feeling neither listless nor compelled, wondering what direction one goes after one actually figures out where one's been. And then the first thing I saw on facebook this morning was

It both scares and humbles me when I see local headlines like this: "Pedestrian Hit Near MSU Earlier This Month Died"
Excuse me while the PTSD kicks in...

That reminded me that my direction, as always, is clear.


To all the people out there who have survived something and watch the rest of the world keep sprinting in the rat race while we crawl for awhile in the slow lane, remember that tortoises win the races. Speed and distance are illusions, and being bumped out of the illusion only means we can see the world better. Once that happens, there is no stopping us. Life sux and then we conquer.

Blogger is telling me this is my 400th post. If this were wordpress there would be some kind of silly badge for that. Hang on while I give myself an award. LOL, I grabbed my own award back from Angelbacchae's screen capture site. The pic clicks back to her awards page.

So this is my birthday week, and all this is making me feel pithily observation-y. Like, thank goodness someone still had some of my stuff when I got stupid and deleted entire folders of it. Like, fortunately I didn't disappear from my accident years ago and even after I metaphorically killed all my content off the web, I'm still here scrawling 

I was here.

Aaaaaaand my screen blipped and half the stuff in a whole other paragraph up there just disappeared. Cosmic joke's on me. If this were wordpress, I'd be able to recover an earlier timestamped autosaved version, so that's what I get for mocking.

Holding true to my theme, this pic's source has disappeared.
I linked it anyway.

Jaunted through someone's fan tumblr yesterday and I don't feel so obvious about overthinking now, in any capacity, just as I've mentioned that any time I feel I might be wasting my time doing anything on the internet, all I have to do is go read the lengthy thesis on the pros and cons of Bradley's facial hair. This snip clicks back to the survey it came from.

Well, I read through what is probably only a tenth of a really excellent blog of many posts devoted to every innuendo of sexual inference digested into paragraphs of what can only be the writer's ego (my opinion, since I'm trained in psyche eval and can notate every personal interjection) overlaid onto every single little bitty jot and tittle of conspiracy filming (THAT is a whole different awesome blog I wound up on, holy moly) to hide the truth in plain sight about how John and Sherlock really felt about each other (because we all know that's the most important part of everything, even when people are being murdered), and now I'm way more satisfied about the quality time I've put into figuring out my own life instead of obsessing about fictional characters no one can agree on. I mean, it all made sense, yes, but honestly, the surprising thing was how much of what was said was almost identical to what I've written (in an extremely briefer way), only the exact opposite, so it seems to me that POV interpretation is still what drives sales, to make a blunt conclusion. In short, it doesn't matter, as long as fans keep buying the merch.

What I'm saying is, those blogs allow me to look into the bloggers' own minds, not just John's and Sherlock's. The way they interpret scenes that I interpret very differently, based on my own subjective experiences, is what makes this whole study so fascinating to me. Sherlock and John are fictional characters, we are not. Studying the psychosocial phenomenon that is fandom on the internet is my favorite thing in the whole world. If I were going for my PhD I'd be doing this kind of stuff for my thesis. And, honestly, this is exactly what fandoms are for, to simulate open discussion about difficult to discuss subjects. They defer the content away from the incrimination or apology or emotional angst of self onto a harmless subject with much lower risk of repercussive psychological injury.

It's just nice to know that other people (yes, more) spend insane amounts of time thinking out loud, like I do. Gives me something to read. I love you guys. I love all your head stuff.

Yes, I obviously lived. Yesterday sucked, but I kept reminding myself that it's all familiar, no matter what decision I would have made, I'd have spent the same amount of time doing nothing about it until it eased off. Did the logical push hydration and protein thing, slept great last night for the first time in ages again, feel so much better this morning. Did a search on how long zithromax stays in one's system, got a half life math thing that concluded 15.5 days after last dose, cowabunga. So just stay calm and distract on, right? Quick, look over there.

click for more trew stuffs

That one never fails to get a guffaw out of me no matter how my day sucketh mightily. Interwebs, you are so good to me.

And so is my kiddo! Looky, a birthday box arrived! With sox!!!

I'd like to thank Bob for the card.

@bonenado immediately went into a guilt spasm and had me order new slippers because mine are shot, so my birthday this year is all about footwear. That clicks to amazon if you want to browse.

My phone keeps warning me that storage is critically low. Every warning goes down to a new lower number, even though I faithfully clean and purge and wipe and restart- we're getting into the 19 mg free range now. Yeah, I'd say that's critical. I've eeked so much extra life outa this phone, far beyond its life expectancy.

That reminds me of a dream I had years ago during my cave days, when I was taking a break from the internet. I had bought the Stargate Atlantis set so I could marathon at my convenience, and who knows what kicked this off, I know I was complaining back then of xanax making my dreams way too vivid and real and barely slept because sometimes they got so terrifying or sad that I just couldn't, so when I did sleep, I DREAMED. Maybe my brain was super dreaming trying to catch up from all the insomnia, who knows.

At any rate, Zelenka had been dropped off on very small satellite station orbiting some ancient and now extinct planet or other, and was going to be picked back up in about 12 days. He had the long and tedious job of getting all systems back up, restored to original capacity (if possible), backed up, and then start on assessment and interpretation until rendezvous time. It was a really boring dream for the longest time, just watching a guy in a spacesuit reconfigure systems until he reached a point of being able to take off the suit, and then keep working on debugging and reinstallation for nonworking parts, just really intricate and tedious. And then something went wrong. Something always goes wrong. Power went completely out in a tiny station nearly out of everything consumable, including air and ecosystem control like heat, and after about 6 hours of clamping everything down into sheer survival mode, there was nothing to do at all but sit still and just wait to be picked up.

Of course in my dream I could see the calculating going on in his mind, and knew he knew he'd be long dead before they got back. There was just no way to beat time passing, no tricks to pull out of a sleeve, no magic hat of ideas, just nothing left and no way to contact anyone. Just be still and relax, use as little air as possible and let his body go into hypothermia as slowly as possible.

I was upset in my dream. I wasn't corporeal, I wasn't even me. I don't know what I was. Just an observer of a fictional character. I felt so frustrated. Usually in dreams, by this point, I either know I'm dreaming (I didn't know this time) or I figure out I can push in and do something (I didn't realize I was 'there' to do anything). I've been lucid dreaming since I was a toddler, so looking back on this is really odd how stuck I felt not realizing I could maneuver as an entity in any way. I only felt frustrated.

Time passed. I hovered around, in and out of the station, watching him go unconscious, watching the stars, watching the planet rotate. Nothing else happening. I hovered back into his head, and he was nearly gone. I knew all it would take was one transmission to get someone back there, even though they were impossibly far away, because the tech they used allowed that kind of travel, but there was no way I could send a transmission, even if the tech was working, because I didn't know how. At this point in the dream I actually tried fiddling with some switches in the dark. Of course nothing happened. I have no idea if it would've looked like the switches were flipping themselves, I didn't dream of me actually being there.

I made a decision to go find the people who'd dropped him off and tell them to come get him. That part was easy. All I had to do was slip back through time to when they dropped him off and left and tag it, kind of like tagging a piece of code, and then doing a search later for the tag and the highlight taking you right to it. (Don't ask, I've been dreaming like this for a long time.) So bing, next thing I was hovering around a busy deck full of people and no way to communicate. I told you this dream was long. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to say even just his name (I couldn't, I had no way to vocalize) or get his name onto a screen (I couldn't, I have severe symbol fail in dreams, I can't type or spell or keep numbers straight). I finally got so frustrated that I just pushed into someone's head and screamed ZELENKA, and she dropped the stuff she was holding, and from there was about an hour-long fight to get a single idea through to her to the crew. All I needed to communicate was GO BACK NOW. That was ridiculously difficult. But once that got through, they did go get him, barely in the nick of time. He'd already stopped breathing and was close to brain death, but they did manage to pull a rescue and eventually get him healed to full capacity.

That dream was obviously about my own brain trying to repair and communicate. I yap all the time about my glitchy brain. I had that dream during probably the blackest part of my existence. During the dream it really did feel like long hours and days were passing, but I don't think I slept more than 4 hours max, more likely 2 or 3. I very clearly remember that dream but still have memory problems around real life during that time frame. I've actually had to draw out a timeline for reference, make a list of dates, and go back through old blogs at least once a month trying to keep my life straight, but I remember that dream in great detail. That was my brain showing me how it was working on its own repair, connecting disrupted synapses, giving me context for what was going on in my real life inside my own head.

Neat, huh?

Think about it. My brain cells were able to give me a picture of their existence.

So waking up this morning wondering what to say next, I think the point is to just keep saying. A lot of us have stuff, much of it is very confusing and frustrating, but I believe no matter how tangled up things get, every day is an opportunity for discovery of self and for caring about others. Through all the sadnesses and sufferings, I think the most important words that ever came out of any human's mouth are "I love you."

I love you guys. This is my birthday week, and I'm very glad to still be here. If I could hand out birthday favors on my blog party I'd give each of you an awesome day, some yummy food, and the warm fuzzy feeling of being truly loved. Thank you for reading my blog. That is your present to me.

I was looking for an awkward hugs compilation and ran into this wonderful gem.



:edit: one hour later

O.M.G. "I was upset in my dream. I wasn't corporeal, I wasn't even me. I don't know what I was. Just an observer of a fictional character. I felt so frustrated."

Guys- that is my brain talking. My consciousness is the fictional character to my brain.

Just- wow.