I've been making time to sit around with my feet up a lot more last 3 days, so it was apropos running into moss covered cobble for my player shop- all the metaphorical moss in my stagnant life, lol. This next is pretty much how my connection looks all the time. I hit one bar and start blinking off the server like a transporter glitch. I finally shared today that my wifi provider is negotiating with my electric company to upgrade equipment support for fiber upgrade, and after that happens (crossing my fingers it won't take all winter) I'll likely apply for mini-mod. I've got 1500 hours on server, makes sense I'd use being around so much to be more helpful. Kind of impossible, though, if I'm suddenly disappearing in mid sentence all the time.
My birthday is tomorrow. I will be a tetrahedral number, a sum of 6 consecutive primes, and more. Have a ball with that. I've been told many times I don't look my age. I never have. They say you're as young as you feel. Since I've felt like I have full body arthritis since I was a kid, and since so many have told me I'm an old soul, I sincerely doubt 'feeling young' has anything to do with it, because I've never felt young. If were such a thing as soul police, they'd never find me in this body. I feel like an impostor in disguise.
I'm on the 5th Tremors movie tonight while my people are scattered doing their things. I love that this movie series took a more serious turn than the usual shark and monster one-offs. The filming is good and the survivalist slant is credible, and the Burt Gummer character development has actually been fun to watch from one movie to the next, and each movie is progressively very different from the last. Here's more on Burt.
I'm not sure what is happening but I feel like I have finally clicked into place with who I am. My years of angsting seem to be dissipating and I can look back now and see how so many pieces fit. I was on the right track all along, just couldn't pull back and see bigger picture very well. I understand best when I see a flash of all the things, which makes me a bit of a savant, but only if I'm in exactly the right position with the right slant of light hitting the right tilt of my head and my line of sight at exactly the right height, so I'm mostly crawling along blind and stupid until that hits. I often feel like my mind is in Flatland, and my brain is dimensions above where I'm rarely able to actually use it, but when I get that click, #allthethings. And it's brilliant and wonderful and so satisfying, like suddenly I'm using my brain like Flatterland. And I mean that metaphorically, like applied to my emotional and social life. A particular person who talked me through falling apart in 2007 would appreciate this visual, I think. I saved the words from back then, and I can reread them now and see that I instinctively knew what I needed but was so mentally blind that I couldn't see or say them correctly, and they had to wash over me, over and over like waves along a shoreline, before I could go back and understand them for what they were.
I know now why I needed her, and why it was so important to have her back so I could solve myself. Sometimes a key doesn't know why it is the one, even if that key is the most important one because it's the only one that worked in that lock.
I was locked out of myself. The key turned. Everything opened up. I got stuck because the key was stuck in the lock. I had to be able to pull the key out of the lock to go on. And now I keep the key with me. I might never need it for the lock again, but it was important and became precious. The key to who I have been able to become, and hopefully even more, may have been a representation in my mind, but could only be used in the form of a very real and genuine person. We can't just imagine ourselves into being more than we are without other very real people making our hearts credible. Inventing and reinventing ourselves falls short and very flat without the warmth of another soul to care that it happens.
I used to believe I didn't need anyone to Be. I started a story a very long time ago about that. I think I'll be able to finish that one now.
~time passing, playing with filters~
~more time passed, need to let this one go~
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