1000th post

I searched 'pinky turbo 1000'. The internet did not disappoint.

I had a visit earlier today from enjoyingthejourney, much appreciated even though I don't know if that was the blog owner or someone just coming from there. I check out referrals, and some of them have good stuff. This one has a recent post called An Open Secret: Documentary on Hollywood Pedophelia featuring this vid (clicks to IMDB), about an hour and a half long. I generally don't sit through long vids, but I did that one because Corey Feldman cameo'd in it. (Took a few breaks, though.) I mention The Two Coreys in older blog posts at Spaz and Surveypalooza, so this is something I've been aware of for awhile.

Anyway, the last 10 minutes are so powerful, I'm going to quote some of the things people said in it.

"The dream is so important. You know why? Because if you live in this earth, you have to feel something, and the dream makes you feel things. And that's what the power of a dream is, you know? A dream is life."

Evan Henzi: "It's a hard process to go through, the whole court thing, the whole police stuff, but in the long run it's so worth it, because in the long run it really isn't about how long this person will serve time in prison, or getting justice, revenge, and all that. It's more a kind of being able to express yourself and say Look, this happened to me, and I'm going to move on from it, and I'm not going to hide this in my head the rest of my life. And I'm going to maybe possibly learn to make a difference to somebody else by speaking out about it."

Corey Feldman on The View: "I'm saying there are people that were the people that did this to both me and Corey (Haim) that are still working, they're still out there, and they're some of the richest most powerful people in this business. And they do not want me saying what I'm saying right now."
Response from Barbara Walters: "You're damaging an entire industry." wtf, Barbara... 😡😢 (Corey Haim Died Broke & Alone, Says Corey Feldman)

Caroline Heldman: "Ultimately I think that viewers are the only group of power in this situation, because I think that there will always be a steady stream of kids who wanna be famous, of parents who push their children. And this industry, it's interesting how we will go and pay money and support a system which sexualizes children or puts them in situations in films where they're around adults who are engaging in inappropriate things. We would never do that for our own children."

Here is the original song at the end of that documentary.



Ok, some of you guys know how I feel about all this junk, and that even a very well done documentary about the Hollywood child actor sex ring doesn't make me blink. In the documentary they say this is the tip of a very big iceberg. Well, how about that is actually the tiny tip of a very local iceberg that has worldwide connections and commerce. If you've been paying attention to entertainment at all going back to our parents and grandparents, this has always existed. (And seriously, this goes back through human history, this is nothing new at all.) There are people and even families in our first world country who actually have kids to sell them, and this covers every religion, every political camp, every background and point of view. Children are commodities. I'll go so far as to say that hand picked/placed police, judicial, and medical personnel all help keep this network running very smoothly, case in point, how many people in Hollywood have access to so many prescriptions to use on other people. And no, I don't say this because I watch too much conspiracy drama on TV.

Until humans decide that it sucks for everyone to keep paying for commodities made out of other humans who are stripped of all their rights, threatened regularly with punishment or death if they don't cooperate or keep secrets, and drugged to be controlled, then none of this will change. And anti-sex people aren't off the hook. As long as militant religions can burn their wives and daughters for kindnesses to strangers, this world will never know peace. As long as people can mutilate their children and force them through rituals that break them down into obedient robots in the names of belief systems, there will be no 'faith in humanity restored'.

Before I forget, I'd like to challenge older adults in entertainment who made such a big deal stepping up for religion and politics to actually start helping these younger actors with the finger pointing. Pretty sure some of you have been groomed yourselves, even the super straight ones who are so careful not to rock more of the boat than you absolutely have to while you're rocking it on politics and religion.

I've had a long, crabby week, so it's fitting that my thousandth post be especially crabby. I'm really ticked at Barbara for responding like that.

I need distraction.

hybrid- how robots go on

I wrote this last night.

She's right.

I deeply appreciate and respect people who devote their lives to standing up for something extremely difficult to talk about, and not only speak for people who can't yet handle speaking for themselves, but spend swaths of quality time helping them take those first steps out into public view. I've never known why Rachel followed and linked up with me across our medias, but, unlike so many other 'big' people, she never dropped back off as she has grown. She's been amazing to watch.

I'm floating somewhat aimlessly through email alerts full of links while I listen to a song over and over, softly ricocheting around the webs in what seems like haphazard wanderment (that's a real word), and realize when I see Rachel floating by on still another feed page that I've come full circle.

I didn't know what to write. How does a person write the numb. The pain that is so old and still so consuming that it's just part of you now. Part of every cell, every breath for years and years and years.

Because I found this today.

The woman who didn't make it in that story looked like this in school.

One of my top posts this last month has been Force choking hazard. Thank you for that. I know too many, too much.

This is one of those nights I could slip away quietly into the depths of the net and not come back. But I ran into Rachel. And then I remembered other people watch me the way I watch her. We watch because we need someone to say what we can't say ourselves yet. We hide in shadows and watch someone grow bigger than the shadows. We start stepping out because someone else showed us how to step out.

Imagine the world if we all stepped out at once. Maybe that's a thing that's already happening. Maybe #PinkyRobot's revenge will asplode the world the same way I see other people asploding it. I want so badly to blow the world up and change ideas. But a really clever robot goes slowly, moving pieces one by one, getting that pawn across the board through raging wars and bloody battlefields, ducking in and out, waiting and darting, diverting and charging, until the time comes to regain the Queen. And then words can shoot like lasers all over the board, and no one is immune.

lyrics


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now it is this morning.

Pinky was already a robot when that happened, and it was the biggest shutdown I ever went through. How do people become robots, anyway?

Childhood Trauma Leading to Adult Emotional Shutdown

Why is #PinkyRobot trying so hard to stay public?

Emotional and Social Isolation

And now Pinky is finding all the pieces that were lost and putting them back together.

Emotionally Closed Off: Healing Pain and Learning to Love

And learning how to have friends again without scaring them away.

People Whose Feelings Have An On/Off Switch Are Terrifying

It's better to be silent and stick around saying "I don't know what to say" than to pour out support and suddenly walk away frustrated. The first action says "I love you", the second says "You're hopeless and my love is conditional."

How To Talk With Someone You Love When They Are Depressed

#Aspienado finds all this brain stuff fascinating.

Psychologists reveal how emotion can shut down high-level mental processes without our knowledge

How do #PinkyRobot and #aspienado coexist?

I Have Two Personalities I Switch Between at Will

I have joked for years about Spock and SpongeBob in the same head.

Survival is always top priority. Never feel guilty for surviving. We do what it takes to survive. That includes self medicating, reclusing, masking, obsessing, and all kinds of other behaviors.

Once you become aware that you are doing behaviors to survive, you are at a good place to make decisions about stepping past those behaviors and recreating yourself. You might be really good at walking a tightrope blindfolded, but you might fall trying to step off the tightrope, so phrases like 'support network' and 'safety net' are something to think about. Make a Plan. You're not alone (not really), and there are all kinds of people who are experienced and trained to help people figure their stuff out. If you don't have family and friend support, you still have professional support.

If you have reached a point where you feel desperate and don't know what to do, all you have to do to get the ball rolling is walk into an ER and say Yes when check in asks if you have thoughts of or want to hurt yourself. It doesn't matter if you're not suicidal or not a self harmer, what matters is that you feel desperate and need help NOW. If you feel desperate and can't even do this much on your own, call 9-1-1 and they will be awesome helping you get there.

If there is no way you'd ever do that, that's cool. Go see your regular doctor and say you'd like a referral to see a mental health specialist. That's how I got my first appointment with my psychologist. I had realized on my own that I have a history of losing friends and that I thought it had something to do with communication problems, and the reason I wanted help was because it had happened again and I was so sad over it that I almost couldn't function. I needed to solve a problem that was gunking up my robot gears. Over several years we have uncovered and solved several problems directly relating to this reason for coming in, and I'm much happier and healthier now, and way more functional. Some of you watched part of this process after I committed to public blogging.

In case you're curious about what happened up there and feel brave enough to learn more, here is more. Please don't talk to me about it. You can see I'm clearly not ok. You already know I'm back in therapy. If you do one thing for Pinky- open your eyes. I understand if you don't want to see this stuff all around you. I even understand if you walk away from someone convincing yourself everything is fine and you didn't just see something bad. But keep your eyes open. Don't take the blue pill and go back under.

Guzman murder case hearings reopen old wounds

Crime's Ripple Effect

Woman furious sister's killer fathered kids in prison

Remembering Homicide Victims
Here we learn why April affects me so badly. Remember how I angsted on Pinky blog why April was always so sad for me? You guys watched me go through uncovering a repressed memory. start here for the rerun And then you watched me tie that into another friend who helped me bridge past an emotional wall 8 years ago, and I spent the summer finally dealing with losing that friend, too, although, thankfully, only because her survival mode kicked in and she kind of had to extricate from Pinky going through an existential crisis and deal with her own stuff. I still love her, and I totally get that now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She was a huge John Denver fan. My first 'live tweet' was us on the phone watching a John Denver special together.


She saved me in my childhood sadness. Another friend saved me in my grown up sadness. And now Pinky is figuring out how all of us can save each other in our sadness.

Force choking hazard

There's a thing going around facebook again about being wary in areas with big shopping and big parking lots.

One of the comments I got when I shared it was how scary it was reading about sex rings also using young children to make contact with other young children in stores and get them to follow away from parents out of sight. I've actually witnessed this happening in a park on a pretty summer day. A couple of teenage girls followed a toddler around until a tired mom desperately needing to sit and talk with friends felt comfortable enough with it to let them get further and further away, assuming the girls were part of another family in the park. I followed the girls following the toddler at a little distance watching because I could tell the toddler wasn't actually being watched over so much as slowly herded away, like a little cow or sheep. As the child and teens neared the edge of the parking lot and rows of cars, I closed the gap until I was nearly right behind the girls. One of them gave a final look back and was so surprised to see me right behind watching her that she abruptly took off running, and the other girl immediately followed without even looking back, abandoning the toddler, which by now was close enough to touch a car bumper. I got around that kiddo and got it turned around the same way the girls had done, by getting in its way until it naturally turned around and started toddling back toward mommy, and I just followed it back until mommy saw it and picked it up. She smiled at me but never once questioned that a completely different person was following her child now, and the girls were gone.

People who are unaware of how all this works really don't have a clue how surrounded they are all the time, how entrenched our ways of life are in an invisible underground going on all around us. My best friend was abducted from a mall parking lot during college and later found in a room full of other dead girls her age, along with filming equipment. I won't go into details here. I personally know another person whose high school senior age daughter was abducted from a friend's house during a sleepover, and 3 people who went missing from that incident have never been found or heard from again. I live in a puppy mill area that gets far more attention than the amount of people that go missing around here.

I'm not going to say more about it right now, except that once something like this happens within a circle of people you know in real life, your life will change and never be the same again. A person of any age going missing is worse than death, because there is no closure, just a crater sized hole in your lives with no answers.

When I see people applaud pictures of other people rescuing kitties and ducks off a highway, or risking their lives to save a dog, I know the same people applauding those pictures are probably oblivious to very real people they've passed in public who are trained specialists in entrapment, rape torture, reconditioning, and trafficking. Once the worst happens in your own life and your eyes open up, you see it everywhere. It's kind of like working in a big store and not being able to touch someone you know just pulled tags off 10 bras and piled them on under a big sweatshirt. Only security can legally detain, and if it's their day off, there's nothing in the world you can do to stop $500 worth of merch walking out the door. What's worse is when a parent sends a small child in a parka out a door ahead of them when they see you approaching with tags. That's outrageous, you say. Yes, and so is the thought of your own child being trained to lead other children into high dollar porn trafficking.

It's hard to wrap our minds around this kind of stuff until we meet people who've been there. I've been there, right up to the edge of it. I personally know people who made it out. I've also lost someone I loved.

I know we're easily calloused by stuff making the rounds on facebook. At first we sit up, but later it's like flipping through a magazine- seen it, seen it, shared it 3 months ago, seen it, can't believe that one's still going, scrollscrollscroll. And I honestly don't like filling up my own timelines with emotionally angsty stuff, because I've already been through so much angst in my life that I desperately crave distraction. But once in awhile, I need to stop and say something.

It's real. It's all horribly real. You go to school and work with people who've seen it, or been part of it. You walk by people every day who know what it all is. While you blow off a creepy person who might actually save your life because they've been there, you think another well dressed smiling person can be trusted because they are polite and have no clue that they do this for a living and their acting skills could win emmys.

People are always surprised when someone erupts and shoots up a store or a school or something. That person was so nice, we didn't have a clue. Well, there you go, none of us have a clue. We watch TV and fuss about life throwing us curve balls, and we're so wrapped up in the 'feed' of commercialism and taking sides about the news that we completely miss what's going on around us, and worse, we don't want to get involved.

I can't tell you how powerful a good stare down is when you see something suspicious. Sometimes that's all it takes to break off a covert intention, and suddenly people turn and walk away. It's instinct to look away. Wanna be a superhero? Don't look away. Lock your stare on and make someone nervous. You just might save a life and a whole family from a horrific sadness. If you feel especially brave and have a little extra time, follow that oddness around a store and see if it starts to happen again, and casually get in the way. Once they catch on someone might know what's up, they abruptly leave the store. I've seen people suddenly just walk out the doors without a single purchase after lurking and loitering behind kids pretending like they're shopping for half an hour. Ever see an abandoned partly filled cart sitting around? Might be a marker that someone scored and made it out the door with a kid. That'll creep you out now next time you see an abandoned cart just sitting in an aisle.

Use the Force, guys. Lock eyes with evil and get that Force choke on.