I am absolutely killing Pinky blog. 😆 It's been hilarious watching all that drop off. Au revoir.
I started a different kind of project, which will be explained later. In the meantime, I'm fine. 😊 Super busy, as always. Maybe I'll bullet point before I go.
Approved for physical therapy on left shoulder for impingement, which, if I'd known was taken so seriously, I'd have gotten on top of years ago. I've lived with crazy amounts of pain, this is hopefully the last big hurdle.
The difference between parm cheese and candy is mega amounts of salt. Don't parm yourself like it's candy. Heart got a little thumpy this week.
I can't believe how much TV we've managed to get caught up on again this last week, even came in late to a live tweet. Felt so goooood.
The back to back euphorias finally wore off and I'm sleeping through the nights again, yay! That was pretty wild.
Plan this month is stay on top of tree allergies. This is historically one of my really bad months, so I'm mostly hiding in my house. Might be pouring liquid zyrtec in my eyes. (Don't really do that, ok?)
I'm also craving spring veggies, so I'm all over salads this week. Can't seem to get enough radishes. Check it, they're full of vitamin C and other good stuffs. Radishes
Some days there is just nothing I can do and it just can't be helped, forced to abandon all intention otherwise and just cave. Pain management can reach extremes where all I can do is just go lay very still for awhile so one area will calm down and hope that is enough before another area drives me back into motion. When all else fails, thank goodness for youtube on my phone.
Since I don't share this part of coping, I thought it might be fun to share today's trail through some new vids popping up in my radar. I love seeing what other people are doing and creating, and this helps me focus outward so I don't wallow in depression and self inflicted passive aggressive displacing when it's simply just physically sucking and I need to take a break. The whole 'poor me' thing isn't my style, and it really does help to get lost in absorbing different things. So here we go.
Ok, so I probably shouldn't have clicked this one first, but I did. It hit a little close to home, but it's really well done.
This one is a little long but I really enjoyed it. I'm a Bunny Bennett fan.
Little bit dark for my current needs, but again, just really well done.
The whole time I watched this I kept wondering how long it took to make. The logistics kinda overtake the experience.
Finally sucked into this next one enough to forget the pain. Love these guys. I wanted that Pizz t-shirt so bad, and they stopped selling those. *wo* The store is back open... click --> All Types of Crazy Crap! I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. Here's that shirt!!! O_O A Trogdor mug *gasp* Now see, my bad day is all our gains. I'm so happy I'm floating. 😍
Lmao, this is too funny.
I wish Lexx fans would get this obsessed.
Oopsie, slipped off into melancholy. Better watch that. Really love this vid, tho.
THIS. Very well done, brava.
And this is the point where I was about to be driven back into motion, the hard grind, as I fondly call it. Now I'm grinding through doing busy work sharing this to help the day pass, but this is the coolest thing ever. #transparency I've shared about my synesthesia lending to deep thought through my childhood into things revealed years later by chaos science, like fractals and many other kinds of patterns that rise out of chaos. Among my deeper thoughts were obsessions with sounds, and the idea that vibrations could be 'captured', harnessed, created. I was elated when electronic and digital musics were born, but this guy goes back to my very young age obsession with finding a way via thought experiment for one person to trap and guide all the creation into one object. Except this person really does it. I truly admire this level of obsessive passion.
I haven't said this yet about why I went silent during and after the 4th Sherlock season when you all know how obsessed I've been with the show. There are moments when I am this close to Eurus, where I can step out, disconnect, and not feel. I did it a lot growing up. I killed not just my own pets, but my siblings'. I chased my sister around with body parts and bits of skull. I played with dismembered limbs, disemboweled tissues and organs. I watched my dad kill puppies and cats and other animals of all kinds without any tears at all or thought for other people's feelings. When I see Eurus, I see that part of me that I was able to grow past growing up, and it wasn't easy. When I say I dissociated and developed other mes to be able to interact, I'm not joking around. When I reveal that it has taken me most of my life to learn compassion and kindness and how to care about other people's feelings, I'm not lying. I was telling the truth when I said the reason I reached out to learn all this is because I don't want to die alone.
"Alone is what I have, alone protects me." That was true growing up. It's not true grown up. That is what I see Sherlock learning at the end when he plays violins with Eurus. He makes sure she is not alone even after she has dissociated beyond any other interaction.
K, today is tough and I've gotta keep moving. See ya.
I heard that phrase I don't know how many times from a boss on one of my jobs. "Organization is the key." I love organizing. My house doesn't know it, but I really do.
click for more awesome SW memes
My lists flew out the window through October. I feel woefully unorganized, despite October being a very successful #allthethings month. I'm coming into November with most of the running out my door behind me for awhile, thank goodness, so maybe I can get my head back on lists and showing my house that I love organizing.
Had a fantastically perfect day yesterday. Everything fell into place like magic the entire day. Was thinking driving in that I need to check and see if anyone cancelled with my psychologist, bing, my phone rang about a cancellation and I could get in that day after my other appointments around town. *Perfect*. My brain was jello but everything fell into place without me missing anything- post office, Walgreens, library, Good Will drop off, bank. Got my flu shot, doesn't even hurt. Some years I get a little fever and my arm hurts like crap, this year, nada. Assessed back into physical therapy after that, scheduling once a week up through the end of the year magically fell on the same day and time every single week. Stayed on track with my lunchbox and noon meds, started reading my library book. Psychologist, thank goodness. I feel soooooooooooooo much better now. I'll be touching base again in 2 weeks, then in 3 weeks, so I'm covered through holidays. I've been alienating people again since another big breakthrough last week, and I can't talk about it with anyone except psychologist, Scott, and Kai (Kai saved me that day, super thank goodness on that). So my next objective is to look at me alienating people again and figure out how I'm going to handle holidays being a Sith Lord.
To people dealing with other people having meltdowns through holidays- I am sincerely sorry I suck. Please hear that coming from other people who've not yet reached the point where they can say that. I know a lot of people put up with me, I know I make things difficult and awkward, and I know I utterly fail sometimes when other people need my support. I know you know I'm a mess and I wish I wasn't and I feel really bad that it gets in the way, because I really do love people. Please hear this from the people you love when they can't say it through this holiday season. What comes after meltdown that a lot of people don't see is a deep self loathing and #epicfail feels, and then the awkwardness, and that is why we don't know how to talk to people sometimes about real stuff. You know, like we see on TV.
Anyway, making huge headway with my emotional processing again, and yes, it will upset people, so I'm working on how to write it without upsetting people. I'm writing to heal, not to be mean.
In the meantime, today is all about pot roast in the crockpot, constructing apple pie, organizing a work list for little writing projects through holidays, organizing another work list for my house, reading my library book, and minecraft. My head is still weird from unremmitting sensation overload and continued aspie shutdown mode, so just staying busy and distracted is top priority, keep emotions low key, do the usual stuff taking care of myself with good nutrition and hydration, quality rest and a little exercise, and staying focused on being in the moment. I'm doing great, it just doesn't feel like it. It's hard to tell in a wonky nervous system that everything is on point.
Ug, already tired of myself. Let's look for something fun.
Only one of my friends ever gets this stuff.
This was fan made inspired by an interview answer.
All over it this morning, shower at 4:30 a.m., coffee now while I'm online getting my life in order- prescription refills, money syncing, stuffs. Flu shot today, then assess back into physical therapy after that.
~caution for triggers~
My head is way better now. I can't even blame those Halloween meltdowns on candy since I avoid carbs because diabetic. I love everyone again now. Seriously, probably another one of those repressed memories about Halloween. It's funny how my repressed memories are never about sexual abuse. Kinda makes you wonder what other horrors musta happened. I mean, besides seeing a dog nearly beaten to death, killing and eating my pets, watching puppies brains being smashed out, learning to properly kill cats, and pretty much handling 800-1200 pound animals regularly, including difficult births filled with all kinds of death and sometimes screaming animals. I was always the stoic one, now I'm the one falling apart. Like my mom did when I was a little girl. The survivalist lifestyle might look glam, but it's pretty tough on the soul. I actually jumped into an argument on FB about animal murder vs vegan and took it upon myself to explain that the exsanguination process actually isn't the torture nonexperienced people think it is, and then I caught myself because I've been experienced since I was 8 years old and I live with PTSD triggers now, and you really don't know who went vegan over something psychologically very disturbing to them. It's really not my job to get out there and educate people freaking out about death.
Pasting this over from facebook so it doesn't get lost.
I am both Irish and a dx'd narcissist. I stand for freckled soulless egocentric survivalists worldwide. Mock all you want, I can't hear you over all this me in my head.
(for some clarity, I'm also German and several other things from all over the world, so... standing up for all y'alls.)
My psychologist views my narcissism as being part of the cushion between my severe autism spectrum depression and mood swings and self harm, self medicating, and suicide, but I am one of the lucky ones. "When viewed from a certain perspective, narcissism can actually be seen as a positive thing."- fromWhy Narcissism Is a Profoundly Misunderstood Psychological Disorder
I scored a 17 on that narcissism test that was linked in that article. I was being a little conservative, but I don't have a hardcore top of the line dx, either. But celebrity level? Yep, hahahahaha.
I'm actually still dealing with a headache, so I really don't know how skewed my results are. I've had a very long headache day and I'm having trouble pulling my brain outa here. I do have this song on my mind though.
All you guys out there casting stones, both real and virtual- one of the most obvious signs of internal problems is displacing onto others, like a brain-trained puppet and a really more messed up person than those of us stepping out being targets. Whatever fear you have of things not running 'right' or being 'supposed to be', I went through that too. There is so much freedom letting go of hating people and being judgmental over others being different and having problems.
Join us. Loving is easier than hating. Hating takes way more energy and causes stuff like metaphorical fire damage and social viral entropic cascade. The entire human race is broken. We are all suffering. It's ok to admit you are flawed. I don't think God made a whole big thing just to throw most of it away. That's super inefficient and very anti-forgiveness protocol.
Minecraft. My entire weekend was a Mo Creatures marathon. I learned how to cinfo on chests and doors to find out who made them and then check player stats to see if they're still active. We also spent some time pushing a flying horse off someone else's land, since once you dismount you can't put the pet back into an amulet or get it onto a leash on land that is otherwise claimed. I'd never been there before and it was very beautiful work, so I'll be going back soon to really look it over. Basically, this is one of my neighbors next to the huge abandoned castle I'm currently bunking down in. This building is just a tiny part of the experience. I love running around other people's work, it's like being able to run around inside paintings, and ultimately, other people's heads.
Among other things, I collected all my movable wealth and organized it to a more centralized location, mapped out all my bunkers and villages, and I'm now connecting them all with tunnels. Remember back in May when I attempted to tunnel underneath the world to 0,0? Well, that's small potatoes now. If we ever need to let outposts go, I'll have my tunnel system, to get back to them without having to fly or parkour over, and eventually I'll have a bridge up over one of the oceans. Other people can build their beautiful towns and join their nations, I'll be quietly networking far flung regions and reaping the wealth of all the wildernesses in between.
No idea. It's not even slowing down. I've gone over all my sources, all I know is that Pinky dotcom is getting slammed, and there is no indication which content curator bots might possibly be involved, so hello new people clicking here from somewhere, and here is your #MondayMotivation. That's right, a pink Kai. There's also a blue one. Click to see and possibly purchase more artwork.
This is my new fave video. I keep telling you guys you're not alone. We're not alone.
I did the #fav7films hashtag last night and just realized this morning that Throw Momma from the Train should have been on that list. After a very long Bunny day yesterday, I'm brain crashing hard and have a knee going all strike on me, and my only hope, besides getting the laundry caught up and some real food cooked, is to settle and watch a show, because multiplayer isn't loading for me today. Since I've been watching Soap, all things Billy Crystal keep popping up in my mind, and today, as I reflect on how I'd like to start off a story on a private blog I've set up until I'm ready to share to print, "The night was..." keeps elbowing past all the rest and hogging the front row of my thoughts, so what else can I do but dig out the old VHS and watch that movie again.
I love playing around with writing prompts, and I've been doing "The night was..." for years on private blogs. I never run out of stuff to put with it. These popped into mind today.
The night was a complete waste of time...
The night was rowdy, the streets were nuts, but the people were happy for once...
I could almost make a book of story starters. I can do opening paragraphs and even opening chapters almost in an eyeblink sometimes. It's the finishing that doesn't happen.
Ok, this is why I'm on break today. The high activity level was nonstop for 6+ hours and I've got the group text timestamps to prove it.
Her mama had asked me stuff about if the fever was down.
The puppy show is the original 101 Dalmations, which everyone knows will soon break me.
And this next one doesn't pop out for you guys, but you can see the toe prints in my last post.
Felt like I nearly lost an eyelid here...
My dad used to have me sit and 'do coins' with him between 8-14 years old, and then later again in my 20s. It was my job to sort the dates and mintmarks, and then to sort them into conditions. Several years ago I tried to talk him out of selling some dimes and pennies to someone passing through, and sure enough, he got scalped, but in the past, he actually saved a 200 acre farm one year with an enviable silver dollar collection. Too bad that didn't ultimately save it when the cattle market abruptly plunged another year, and my dad had already prearranged to ship cattle to market the day after that happened. Lost everything. Like Owen's coin collection in Throw Momma from the Train, I have loads of memories of coins and my dad.
The blisters on her pinky toes from the hand-foot-mouth were hurting.
It didn't last, but I was getting too worn out to keep taking pictures. Bunny wasn't the only one glad to see Papa pull in the driveway, lol.
Now it is Wednesday the 17th.
I laid down a lot through the day Tuesday, but my head gradually came back on and I wound up on Mo' Creatures, of course. Accidentally ran into someone's lost pet during a mining/tunneling expedition, and I couldn't believe how deep in the dark it had gotten. I run into lost and abandoned pets all the time and just ignore them, because they are AI blocks that 'never die' unless an aggressive mob or another player kills them, and killing someone else's pet is instant banishment forever, even if the owner stopped playing and never came back. An owner can usually simply tp a pet to them using its pet ID, but if there is no one to teleport it out, then that's just bad luck. As far as I know this only applies to named MoC pets and not just regular tamed minecraft pets that can't be named.
This video is long and very dull, but as I was watching it again today before deleting, it hit me what a good search and rescue training method minecraft could be, complete with problem solving tasks. It took forever to coax that AI into a direction by repeatedly blocking it off, but once I got it to my ladder and saw it trying to climb, I realized I could step it up gradually block by block, and it worked. I'm saying that because that part isn't on the video. If you watch the vid and wonder why I'm so slow, I had someone on speaker on my phone while I played, so I look like a noob. But seriously, level 15, up at least 50 levels, took about 45 minutes, and then I just flopped back off the laptop for awhile.
This morning was very different. I had been making tunnels and getting distracted running into previously mined tunnels until I was quite lost and had to use the F3 coordinates to find my way back, and I had finally just popped back out into the open. I like this vid because so many accidental things happened, including getting to see a giant golem build itself and then pop back apart. The golem was close enough to my marker that I had to check and see if it got messed up, and then thought Hey, I can show you guys what I did. And from there it's running around dying and stuff. 4 min is another much smaller abandoned castle that looks like the same guy's handiwork from the castle I'm currently occupying until we can claim one of the houses in the courtyard. I like lighting up abandoned buildings. 6:04- No idea how he made those flags and I'd love to see how he did that. 6:34- That picturesque small castle is actually claimed, so I have to be careful not to mess anything up there. 6:47- I'd only flown over this place previously, so I'm trying to get my bearings, not sure which direction 'my' castle is. 10:30- A creeper blew me up, but on Mo Creatures, the damage repairs itself, keep watching. 10:50- I knew I had to get my stuff out of that hole FAST because I got glitch-trapped in a hole once while it was repairing. (I just noticed during playback that "Microsoft Game DVR" keeps flashing at the top, I think it's because I have an XBox account. I'm not sure if people get to see my videos live as I'm playing or not, I haven't checked, but if I wanted to, I'm all set up for it because Windows 10 is letting me do beta XBox minecraft, except I always use the launcher. I'm still trying to figure out how this all works.) 12:58- Using glitchy loading to locate mineshafts and ores and stuff is illegal, and I don't use video for that. X-ray of any kind is banned from Mo Creatures. You can tell when I see a glitch I kind of turn or stop or slow down till the game loads more. This is why I don't get more flying vids on slow load days. 13:29- I finally spy my humongous unclaimed castle in the distance. 13:40- Switching to silver sword to kill a werewolf. Forgetting I did that will be my doom in a minute. 15:40- I've been lighting this place up for days and I'm still running into whole sections without any lights. I have so much respect for the dedicated obsession that went into this project.
Now this is Thursday the 18th.
I assessed back into physical therapy yesterday, and pretty much started off with a hardcore definition of where I'm at legally on the 'chronic' scale now. Most chronics are labeled after 3 months of unremitting pain, and there is another level of chronic with remission that flares up and remits throughout life (so a person can regain and feel better and live normally and then suddenly slide). And then there are people like me, intractable chronic without relief just doing everything we can to stay functional. (Studies are coming out about intractable pain alone taking 8-10 years off simply because quality of life is so disrupted, so surviving pain is a big deal, regardless of cause.) We discussed psychoneuroimmunology and positive imaging, which my psychologist introduced me to years ago, whether any of my doctors have ever talked about me recovering health or living a better life (big ~no~ on that one, although this last doctor has pushed pretty hard for lifestyle changes that are working but only in the sense of regaining self care and some functionality), and the fact that my disability panel established that this is a permanent situation. It's not easy to get disability for vague pain issues, so I periodically go through written documentation during assessment spelling out where I'm at now and what the goals are. Decades of tests and monitoring have never produced a conclusive cause for how severe this has been, but I think we're all finally (insert accidental mouse bump and part of this disappearing and me escaping the page super fast and blogger still having that saved before I could stop it... really ready for blogger to catch up with the rest of the blogging world retaining previous draft copies that a person can go back to).
The short version- *OW*
K, we're all finally agreeing this is a lifelong nervous system disorder, and medicare requires 'proof' that what we're doing in physical therapy isn't just me frittering away govt dollars, because I've never gotten a hard label beyond 'fibromyalgia' even though doctors have looked extensively for MS, AS, RA, and confirmed positive for Lyme and antibodies to several other viruses and bacteria that affect nervous system long term.
SO. Got started yesterday with about 10 minutes of deep tissue, and I could tell the gabapentin has really changed the way I feel all this pain now. Went straight to the area where the pain shocks had been going off every 30 seconds before I started the med (6th week into it now, I think), and whereas I had been able to take some pretty rough stuff in the past, I actually couldn't help cringing like a big wimp. It took everything I had not to wince during certain spots around left shoulder, but it was quick and I thought no big deal, right? 4 years of stuff, I can do this. (Very few people last 4 years in physical therapy.)
Apparently the game is changing on gabapentin. I used to wobble out high as a kite because pain bursts dump mega brain chemicals and I get buzzed on pain. Not yesterday. I was almost incapable of driving and had to pull into a Walgreens (and get back into the car to repark because I straddled the yellow line) and walk around trying not to think about throwing up (that's a big ol' pain level 10, people), and my head finally cleared enough to get back on a plan and drive again. Got some food shopping done at Sam's, then came straight home. Got the car unloaded and pretty much spent the rest of the day incoherent. When Scott got home from work I was barely able to speak, stumbling words around like crazy, and then just burst into tears. When pain is so bad that I go full aspienado shutdown even in my own home, it's bad.
Pain. Is. Exhausting. This is going to be a long month. But I can do this, because I want to be able to keep using my arms and driving my car and taking care of Bunny and writing stories. I haven't come this far to quit. The pain is going to be there anyway, and it's never not going to be in my way, so if I want to do stuff, I gotta want to do stuff bad enough to do it.
While I'm at this point, I want to sincerely thank Lexx fans for the nearly 29,000 hits on my migrated fan blog over the last 2 years, which isn't bad for a 20 year old cult show that rarely shows up any more. I know I super suck for not getting more done, but I really do have several posts in queue that need finishing, and I intend to do it.
I'd also like to say THANK YOU to Pinky blog followers for spiking views here up roughly 70% over the year before. This whole aspienado going public experiment has been uber challenging in so many ways, but I think the coolest part was this becoming so much more than I expected, especially from myself. My own emotional growth has been surprising to a lot of people, not least my psychologist. Pinky blog on blogger will be 2 years old in 5 days. I wish I could do something fun to celebrate, but you guys know that anything interactive would backfire horribly with screams and flames, so let's just not go there. I really don't want that to be a thing again this year.
Back to real life. Batman starts pre-pre-K next week. The #autie is strong in our family, and I'm loving the social intro and integration programs in place that neither I nor his mama had as children. I think technology is a fantastic part of integration, and I'm so glad it's available now.
Mirkwood. I was driving by a neighbor's place and caught this on the way out to town. I zoomed so size context is difficult, but the top of the round part of the web is about 5 feet off the ground, and there were several of these along the street showing up really well in the fog over short lawns. Imagine walking through the woods. Most of them are nearly invisible till you're practically plunging through them, and smart people look like idiots holding long sticks up in front of their faces. You don't even see the spiders till the webs ping and suddenly they're either scuttling out of the way or ON YOU, some of them nearly as big as my hand. I feel like I live over a mineshaft with a spider spawner, and there's no way to torch it off.
The politixical rants are ramping up, if that's even possible after the venom and vitriol we've already seen over the last 6 months.
My thoughts on Hilary- Gosh darn it, what about spent lifetime focused on becoming world leader at any price do you guys not understand? Think #bucketlist.
My thoughts on Trump- I cannot believe y'all fell for any of that bazillionaire reality show puppetry, the whole point was ratings and keeping you guys distracted. Think #suckers.
My thoughts about 'Murica- It's almost over, but we're all going to be fine, just keep up the bipolar booze ranting and that bandaid will be all ripped off before you even know it.
My thoughts about how this affects me personally- You saw what happened to Vulcan. Raise your hand if you really believe an actual Romulan did that with the actual help of an actual interplanetary diplomat who was stupid enough to create an actual vat of 'red matter' big enough to turn the entire galaxy into a super duper black hole. Thank goodness the droplets were so dispersed first before it all blew. Bad writing will save us. I firmly believe this.
My thoughts on people who keep dragging the rest of us down with bitterness, anger, fretting, mocking, judging, belaboring, obsessing, belittling, blaming, and general lameness (whether or not it is politically related, because this could partly be subtext for someone's whining about relationships this week really pissing me off)- Sorry, can't see you any more through this thick fuzz of mute.
This guy came over yesterday and got busy trying to sweep my floors again. He's a natural born industrial cleaner kind of guy. He had 2 brooms, the swiffer, and my steam mop and was trying to use ALL of them at the same time. But he's cool, you know, eating markers and going all goth.
Something upset me yesterday way more than it ordinarily would have without my new meds messing with me (I'm having high blood pressure break outs now, very uncomfortable, a very typical response with me on ANY kind of pain control), and now this morning looks just stupid and hilarious, so I'm going to tell you the story.
I'm not a fake pet person. When I got on minecraft, I didn't go all mushy taming and naming and caring for critters, although I did a compliant practice the first week on mo creatures for the heck of it, named a rabbit after my very first rabbit that I had as a child, which is psychologically very foreshadowy if you knew the story about that rabbit and then followed me through time to the beginning of my evil lair. In the meantime, it was months before I attempted keeping my own farm in singleplayer (a disaster, which is funny because I grew up on a farm), and even longer before I finally let a friend get me onto a pegasus in mo creatures (which is brilliant, by the way, flying around is the bomb). Anyway, a couple of months ago while I was saving a village, I caught the ugliest wild horse I could find hanging around the area and named it after someone in real life, and then rode that bitch around the desert and villages in a mean I'm the boss kind of way. I didn't make a corral or anything, just let it roam free without protection, which meant a lion or bear could eat it, or a scorpion could kill it, or whatever. I didn't care. After I was done distracting myself with saving that village, I moved on and left the horse behind. Anyone could have taken it.
A couple of weeks ago I lost my amulet and nearly lost my pegasus, so I dug in and learned about pet IDs and teleporting and was surprised to find the rabbit, had forgotten all about it. I found out we can teleport our pets, so I tried it out, very cool, and since I needed a temporary place to keep my pegasus, I went ahead and tp'd my rabbit too. Our town has a nice fenced off pet area, so I put them in there, and then on second thought, tp'd the horse in just to see if that would work too, and it worked very well. Cool, had 3 pets in a safe location, moved on to other things.
Last week a couple of goats followed me in from a scout mission to the village I'm currently experimenting cool greenway and landscaping on, and since goats are annoying and eat everything, I corralled them, and doing that meant feeding them something so they'd follow me into the corral, and doing that tamed them, so I went ahead and just named them. Great, I have 2 pet goats... Some of you probably have no idea I milked goats by hand in real life for a few years, and that I especially love goats in real life, but I spare no love for them on mo creatures. However, one of them bears a name I was given in high school German class by one of the only two people in the entire school to ever treat me like a real friend (phone calls, visits at her house, actual talking and sitting by me in study hall kind of thing), and it's a joke name from a story about an idiot, so I guess I have a special goat now.
A horse followed the goats in, of course (here we go, I feel like a weird pied piper), so I tamed and saddled it, utterly failed to name it because I don't care. Within minutes someone was asking me if I wanted ostrich eggs, and dang it, I hatched 2 ostriches and named them Xev and Zev, and they were super cute as chicks running around the village.
Well, any kind of player activity attracts aggressive mobs, so next thing you know, I've got whole gangs of werewolves and silver skeletons hanging around, and the horse kept getting out and running off, which sucked because it was actually useful, so I caved and started thinking animal husbandry. Protection. If you've ever tried to get a passive mob into a corral, you know it can get pretty ridiculous, so after several attempts at building around the horse and trying to push and pull it in through gaping holes, I got the bright idea to look up its pet ID and just tp it into the corral. Worked like a charm. And then I tp'd Xev and Zev into the goat pen, and then tp'd the rabbit over to this village so I could watch it hop around, and then I thought, Hey, I have 2 horses now, I can tp the other one here, too.
Keep in mind I successfully did all these things without a hitch, and that tamed pets are coded not to despawn. So this other horse didn't show up and didn't show up and I finally got admin helping me, and after 15 minutes of following all the steps for this and that over and over, I was told that horse must be dead.
I went through many years of real life not reacting to real pet death before I finally broke apart over a chicken one year. I'm super aspie raised to shut down on triggers and never processed feels or cried, even when we ate my pets that I'd bottle fed from birth. And by eat, I mean exsanguinate, disembowel, and dismember with my own hands before they got cooked, so the floor dropping out beneath me and feeling devastated over losing an imaginary pet yesterday in a game really took me by surprise. I wasn't in the least attached to the pet itself, even loathed it in a messed up kind of way, but I'm Aspienado. A suspicious death of a pet I purposely named for someone in real life that was securely locked away in a protected place where nothing else was disturbed and only one other person knew about it (that I know of) isn't even the problem. I'm autism spectrum. Unsolved puzzles destroy me.
People around me in real life have noticed for years that I seem to be a cosmic target, like the universe makes it personal with me. I so rarely have a really good day that it can't help being obvious that I'll get 3 back to back phone calls out of the blue in a 5 minute time span by 3 different people in 3 different situations having drama crises when I'm actually happy and about to do something enjoyable, and then the rest of my day is completely shot. This has happened so many times that I expect it, I'm never surprised by it, heck, I even plan and pack for it. I'm always ready for my day to be ruined. This makes it easier to just roll with it and not be a whiner. My psychologist has called me a doom and gloomer for holding a view I call optimistic pessimism, which is basically assuming my day will suck in every way possible and then everything looks so much more fantastic when it doesn't that even the most mediocre day feels wonderful, right?
So losing the pet itself doesn't bother me. The idea of some kind of sabotage doesn't bother me. What bothers me deeply is that this is cosmically personal because it's just way too coincidental that none of my other pets have ever just disappeared like that, and I may never know why. Who cares if it might've been a code glitch, it was that particular pet. I would much rather find out a friend killed the horse out of jealousy (I can respect that, and it would make me feel loved) than be left dangling with no answer and always wondering why that pet. And it's actually pretty funny, because that is exactly the pet I would stand back and watch die if something attacked it.
In case you parents out there are wondering about your aspie-autie kids, THIS is how our minds work in relationships. The whole point to Aspienado is giving neurotypicals access to the inner workings of a neuroatypical mind. I am inconsolable without an answer to a problem bugging me, and it's very difficult to move on from that. This applies across the board to every synchronous (or coincidental, if you insist) relationship innuendo I've ever been through.
In the meantime, whatever awkwardness arises from this weird happenstance will probably be in the way in my head, and I'll have to valiantly keep stepping around it because I've been practicing not dumping and whining about my 'petty' obsessions that wind up exasperating people so much that they never talk to me, and I just remembered I forgot to buy bacon this week. *facepalm*
Real life tugs at me. Made a big bowl of salsssssa yesterday out of our first batch of tomatoes, maybe Bunny today (not sure yet), no idea what else. Mostly don't let these meds convince me I'm frustrated for any good reason, it's just my body feeling irritable and my poor brain is a rather innocent bystander. The idea has been forming over the last couple of days that I want back off the neurontin, though. I cannot take another year of trying to super control blood pressure spikes being caused by a med that isn't actually saving my life but just making me more comfortable. It's a curious interplay of sacrificing bits of this or that for fine tuning a definition of comfort in a body that can never truly be peacefully lived in. It's a matter of taste- which torment do I prefer? What degree of peace am I willing to kill bits of my existence experiences for? If I'm hanging onto the edge of a cliff, and something is stomping on my fingers, do I want to hang on feeling numb or feeling stomped? Because either way, what I'm doing right now isn't how I'm going to move away from this spot. I wasn't even hanging onto a cliff like this until after I changed up the meds. Ah, the philosophical conundrums that crowd into the moments between the stomping and slipping a little more.
No hard feelings. I close my eyes and remember that sweet first week on neurontin, and then turn to face a new dawn without a horse.
That would be a great ending, but now I'm going to bore you with the contour job I was working on, looks celebrity Ozarks, lol. No idea yet if I'll finish it up inside.
Ok, time to figure out what breakfast will be without bacon. Might do a southwestern omelet with sour cream and cheese because we've got all that salsssssa.
This song has been on my mind for days. The only good version is this cover. I'd have loved seeing a full song choreography in the vid beneath instead of just a teaser.
Why that horse is important is Easter egged into this post.
That's right, I caved out in the middle of the 12 Monkeys season cliffhanger live tweet. Got schooled a little, but sometimes 1- appreciating real art takes precedence over broadcasting, and 2- omg my nerves were ringing all over my body. Maybe I'm getting the real splinter experience or something. That's a joke, in case you don't know about the light syncing app.
If I wanna keep up with Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens live tweet, I'm going to have to make sure I'm READY so I won't wimp out. (That link I just linked is a COOL website, you really need to go there if you haven't checked out the official Sharknado 4 site yet.)
I dunno if anyone else does this, but I'm always smashing shows in my head. Like what if Sharknado and 12 Monkeys totally smashed, and Cole had to get through a real sharknado to find Dr. Railly, and the Red Forest was turning all the sharks into something weirder and I probably better stop before you guys figure out living in the Ozarks really does this to people's brains. By the way, I'm disappointed that Ozark Sharks (during Sharknado Week next week) wasn't actually filmed in the Ozarks. The Ozark Mountains don't officially include Louisiana, and neither does the entire Ozarks region, so I'm a little miffed. I think this is where Lisa Marie Bowman would make a funny joke about filming location, but I'm not feeling that witty atm. You can read all her reviews at Through the Shattered Lens.
I still have a bit left to do over the next couple of days around the house. Got a partial jump on some of the chores yesterday, was a fantastic morning. Really hope that happens again this morning. I think it helped to go back to some friends' RP forum and be able to work on catching up on breaks instead of winding up in minecraft. (I'm tellin ya, there are private RP forms out there better than reading books, all you guys who never jumped into that kind of stuff over the last however many years the internet has been around.) Thursday is psyche guy and picking up groceries in a heat index, and Friday is go time for Bunny bomb, so it's all about today and tomorrow. I have heat warnings on a couple meds, so I'll have to pay attention.
@bonenado has been taking the CRV to work all week because AC in the pickup is shot, so he'll be stuck in the heat Thursday and Friday. I told him he probably has Pokemon all around him at work and just can't see them. Probably not a good thing to be looking for Pokemon around industrial equipment anyway.
click for more Pokemon memes
Pinky Robot needs go music. Let's get some Bunny Rabbit for my Bunny bomb coming up.
Rockin' out 300 extra calories yesterday, thanx @bonenado. He came home with filet mignon, so it wasn't a bad thing, but still, heads up on the menu planning thingy. I thought I was done for the day...
Going in circles with Kaspersky this morning. I love Kas, but everything that requires attention somehow becomes a nightmarish chore. Ok, first world problems, I'm just still in that first bit of coffee phase, day 9 on I'll just call it neurontin (gabapentin) and I'm not exactly springing out of a dead sleep like Tigger any more. I miss that, but I hafta admit, I'm liking the actual sleep.
Another rabbit hole to disappear down... If you think me being all over minecraft is bad, you've never seen me in a forum.
Nothing I plan is going right, so I'm calling it med adaptation and just letting it go today. Plus oozy eyes, @bonenado says he has already cut out some ragweed while he was doing yard work, so here it comes. Pollen.com begs to differ and says I'm having a beautiful, happy day.
So this happened.
No idea if that can happen naturally, but I've never seen it before. I didn't know if an admin was messing with me for a joke, sometimes I suddenly get glowstone dust thrown at me and stuff, so I lit it up to let them know I found it, just in case it was a howdy.
And I'm going to do tree experiments now and see if I can get saplings to grow into each other. One player on the server built her own cherry tree, I assume using apples (she had previously asked if anyone had a lot of apples), not sure how she did it but maybe I'll go snoop around a little bit on my flying horse and see if I can find it. Minecraft apple history is kind of funny, worth a read. Ok, I found tutorials on how to put apples on trees, lol. Someone made a fruit trees mod. An extension gives you incredible foliage varieties in single player. I might try that some day.
You guys didn't see me making scrambled eggs with bacon and cheese and getting a roast on in the crockpot during all that.
This next part is long, boring spoonie stuff. Just letting you know you'll either learn something or get really bored.
Kinda did a quick assessment with @bonenado before TV last night. I knew there would be another phase coming, like a Phase 2 kind of thing where I'd be back on permanent meds because nerve fail is no joke, and if my ship starts going down again, I'll do everything I can to stay afloat as long as possible.
In 5 years I'll be the age my mom was when it all started going down for her. By 6 years from now she was right side deficit and having loads of difficulty with her arms. I've already figured out the strokes didn't necessarily cause the complete arms/hands contractures by the time she passed, and that it's already happening to me and I haven't had a single stroke, so this is a genetic thing. If I hadn't started changing everything when I did, I might've gone down a lot faster than she did, and at an earlier age, so this is where it really hits a person how real survival is in the health care industry.
The phrase 'curl up and die' probably used to be a common actual thing. When I was in nursing school, one of the first things we learned was nursing home care planning, and one of the biggies is contractures. Ironically, my first light arm contracture started happening during nursing school and I never told anyone, since I knew what it was and had already been diagnosed with a condition that could be related to that happening. I figured out a way to hang a finger on a belt loop and keep that muscle stretched while looking casually normal, and used my good arm to carry my stuff. I never 'cured' it because that muscle, compared to the other arm, remained slightly more of a lump, but I did manage to keep it from locking into place and deforming my hand to a weird angle. I was in my late 30s when that happened.
Before I was diagnosed in my late 20's, my very first doctor, a really old guy on the brink of retirement, told me there was no cure and I'd be in a nursing home by 40 because my blood tests were off the hook, and he didn't know what to do for me. I'm sure he'd seen it all before all this new stuff showed up in the medical field and started changing the way we age through arthritic and neuromuscular conditions now. Actually, I probably would have been dead before 40 if I hadn't been persistent and found another doctor who smuggled 5 months worth of samples of a brand new nsaid called flurbiprofen to me because I couldn't afford them. I was so ill that I'd lost 75 pounds, positive ANA, high SED, and fibromyalgia was so new that it was still being called fibrositis. I lived in nonstop fever for well over a year, could barely walk, and was so miserable that I couldn't imagine making it long enough to see my little girl get through school. We know *now* I'm one of the more severe cases with all kinds of complications, but it was so bad in my 20's that I couldn't open doors (that was before handicap doors became standard) or walk up stairs (thank god for elevators), and couldn't even pick up loose change or pens and pencils that I dropped. I'll never forget another customer laughing at me at a register for dropping all my change, saying I was a drunk. He had no idea I was so sick all over my body that I couldn't even turn my hand over to count my change.
I lived a long time with all this without ever telling anyone.
So anyway, last night it hit me I'm actually in Phase 2 now of my survival plan. Phase 1 started in 2008 when I put together my care team (doctor, psychologist, chiropractor, neurologist, endocrinologist, physical therapist, psychiatrist), which took time (3-4 years), and cleaned off all my meds because they obviously weren't even slowing down my descent into hell. Took two years to get off the benzo meds, longer to get off the opioid meds, stopped all the muscle relaxers and pain killers, finally completely med free for a whole year a couple years ago except for blood pressure and thyroid meds. My health improved over time as I worked very hard reclaiming some functionality, because I had just about hit bedrock, not able to move well enough to even dress myself, and I wanted my life back.
Phase 1 was more successful than I dreamed possible. I have so enjoyed being able to shop for myself again, take care of myself around the house, even do a few things I couldn't do at all for years. I say enjoy... If you can imagine enjoying anything through unending nerve pain, but seriously, every day I am thrilled that I can move around and do things.
Well, I'm hitting walls now. Lots of walls. I'm seeing frustration in my care team that I'm not continuing to progress forward. I'm seeing some backsliding in my capabilities. Plan B for that is, of course, going back on meds to help me control going back under, using meds differently than the way they were used most of my life. This is Phase 2.
Phase 2 is a projection I created a back up plan around. I logically can't possibly sustain 'normal' with all the junk I live with, so even getting super healthy isn't going to cure it and it's all like I'm just fine again. I've reached optimal on everything now- blood tests, heart health (stress test A++, said it was like I was in my 30s), skin and vision health, even able to do workouts, and if you have followed since the first grandfortuna post on that (now private), you know it's been a very long road.
January 2013
This week was awesome. After 6 weeks of feeling like I was sliding backward out of control and having to dial down my workouts, I pulled off a whole 30 minutes at the fitness center. Made it to 20 minutes on the nutstep to warm up, still at work level 4, 60-70 steps/min, longest I've ever gone. Then kept the weights down at 20# to finish out 10 more minutes, longest total time so far. I left in pretty good shape, too. (Noobs who think that looks like I'm a total wimp, nasty car wreck yada yada, years of autoimmune flare ups yada yada, nerve damage and illnesses yada yada, life sux and watch me fly.) I'm still having to be careful about triggering fibro flare up in my neck and shoulders and spiking headaches when I do upper body core work. Thinking about talking to my doctor about going back into physical therapy for neck and shoulder exercise training when I see him at follow up next month. Managing to keep pain meds down to half a norco every 8-12 hours, really sick of meds after years of taking them just to be able to walk.
Was 20 degrees that day, which sucked.... I'm such a dork.
When I first started physical therapy, I could barely do 6 minutes on a nustep at level 3 at about 30 steps a minute, and it was super hard. Same with my arms. Just having the one on one in physical therapy was enough to keep me going back.
Anyway, Phase 2 is important. It's where I get back on meds in order to retain my current level of function reclamation before I lose it again, a sort of rescue platform to keep me (hopefully) tethered to this level I've reached so I don't sink back down. I didn't expect it to come on this soon, really thought I'd get a few more years out of Phase 1, but at least I have a plan B and not all is lost. I can't tell tell you how depressing it's been sliding back down all spring, but I've experienced such a drastic change on the neurontin this last week that I'm hoping I'll be able to stay on it and continue attempting more forward progress now.
None of this is magic. None of this is doctors telling me how to get my life back. That is not their job. This is ME deciding WHAT I WANT and HOW I'M GOING TO GET IT.
This plan has been in place for 8 years now and will be for the rest of my life. There's a Phase 3, but I'm not going there yet. Phase 3 is an 'if all else fails', a plan C.
So. I'm in Phase 2 now. It's still just sinking in. I'm not thrilled it came so fast, but I'm good with it, because part of survival means my team helping me with making choices. I have been saying no to neurontin for several years. I think my doctor is relieved I'm finally on it. I am one of the most stubborn noncompliant high pain patients my team has ever seen, and believe me, I'm getting cheered on now like I'm in some kind of marathon. They've seen a lot of people go down.
Last night was about stepping back and really looking at the whole picture so we can look at big picture going forward. My intention is to stay as functional as possible for as long as possible so Scott can continue to focus on doing what he needs to do to keep us financially stable. Before I put together Phase 1, before the whole disability thing, there was a bankruptcy, and I can't even begin to tell you what that was like while I was just realizing I couldn't fake keeping a job any more, and switching back to college was total fail because my health was spinning out of control. I've seen what poor health does to a marriage and the long reach it has on many consequences with other family and holidays and even just daily living. I cannot accept that I'm the one taking us all down. That's why I made the PLAN in the first place.
I live day by day. It's a thing I'm used to and pretty much take for granted now. No promises, no assumptions, I know I'm very lucky to still be here, and luckier still that I'm this functional. I know it can all go away really fast. I could get dumb again real quick, for starters. This whole brain thing is a race against time, something I've been saying since I came back out public.
I'm not alone. Every human goes through something like this at some point, any age, anywhere, any time. I'm watching a fandom age along with me, watching more fandom leaders 'disappear' with no explanation, watching others surviving on twitter and facebook and all over the webs. I like that I'm not alone. Thank goodness for internet.
This post is a drag. Sorry about that. My day isn't that bad, just putting this here to help me remember later.
Back to minecraft, lol. It's been another 3 hours since that 3 hour count up there. Safe to say I'm a super spacecase today. I need some good space music. I think this is my fave SPG song ever. p.s. I just renewed my Lexxperience domain for 5 years. LittleLexx.net comes due soon, saving up for that now. Aaaand another hour just passed... *hitting publish*
Statcounter has this new thing bugging me about my growth plan profile and my overall industry rank and how my growth plan compares to my competitors. I got a D-.
Your Annual Site Contribution is a prediction of how much money your site will make your business per year in its current state. This is calculated by robust predictive analytics. Many online factors contribute to your site contribution such as visitor experience, mobile optimization, traffic, and social marketing, as well as offline factors like how much your typical customer spends, zip code, etc… We’re here to help you grow your Annual Site Contribution as much as possible. Ex: If you are a veterinarian, once you finish your profile, we will predict how much your website contributes to your clinic’s revenues on an annual basis. This would include how many new people hear about you online then call or walk-in and become new clients.
Well, someone showed up with my house once with a *gun*, so dang if I'm going to care about my walk-ins.
Anyway, now I can get analytics overview over the last 30 days with a 30 day forecast (I really miss sitemeter, they had ALL this stuff and more and were sweetly unobtrusive), plus objectives for linking other social media (beat ya there, guys), and if I start this 'track' and go pro (always a catch), they can help me lower my overall bounce rate by 50%. Um... Google analytics says my bounce rate is 30, which is an A++ for a blog, so take your growth plan pro and shove it. I'm not in the mood for the 'you need to spend more money' crap.
The problem with statcounter is it can't see most of you real people guys, because it just doesn't play well with others, even though it swears it does, and even tries to prove it by hooking in your GWT (dismal fail that time GWT got *cough* hacked *cough*). I've already got over half of you filtering in through Google login, so *bing*, you're invisible to statcounter. THIS is how much Google proxy (Chrome browser in particular) has affected my statcounter.
Yes, numbers have gone down because I've had a rough spring and summer, but this is a more accurate representation of actual traffic. (Don't even get me started on bots, less than 5% of my traffic is bots.) (You wanna see bot swarms? Go back to your Xangas sometime, it's hilarious. Xanga is my fave botcatcher now, I'm able to ping other sites and see how many bots swarm right back at me. Some of you really public review sites have some really bad bug problems, and those problems translate to reader tech being compromised, so yeah, don't even get me started.)
So, NO. Not paying for pro and advice like I'm an idiot. My klout score is doing just fine for someone who's barely been able to keep a brain in for several months, thanx.
Imagine what I could do if I weren't physically and cognitively disabled. And had staff. And about $10K.
it's real, click
Do you know how long it's been since I really went off about stats and ranking and stuff? Day 7 and I'm ready to fling the internet around before coffee. Thank you, gabapentin. Man, I hope I'm able to continue on this med. I'm right at the mark now where lyrica cascade fail on a major highway turned into a comedy club style acid trip type inner convo about betting whether I'd roll off the highway and die because none of us knew who was driving. You can imagine the PTSD from both that and a very real accident I've had palling around with me in town yesterday. Once I figured out how 'friendly' I was in Walmart, I knew I'd be ok and came on home.
What am I doing today, Zuul? I got sideswiped mid-week with that drowsiness thing, and boy they weren't kidding. I slept 7.5 hours night before, took a nap yesterday, another 7.5 last night, I srsly wanna stay AWAKE today. So let's see what I can get done today.
Get on that auto-pay alert thingy from Geek Squad about protection I cancelled months ago.
Get on a wonderful application that came in the mail for medicare to pay for my ride into town 3 weekends ago during the chest pains (medicare won't pay unless deemed 'can't walk' kind of stuff, so the ride guys are evidently on my side calling this 'necessary'). Don't worry, I'll photocopy and practice fill-out on that first for @bonenado to approve. O_o
Get on wrapping the Bunny birthday gifts so that's all done before next week asplodes.
Get on wrapping up a thing I started earlier this week that needs to get posted elsewhere. It's easy, it's fun, and it's probably disappointing someone that I suck, but I'm being a good spoonie and not letting that part bother me.
Get on a workout PLAN because this being scattered all over the map thing for 2 months isn't cool.
click for great example of cute monetizing I'm almost jealous
I can save 80 calories a day if I drink my coffee black. I've been using 40 calories of evap milk in each cup and get 2 cups, and I'm right at that line where something's gotta go. I drink really nice coffee, so it's not like black coffee will suck that badly. I'm going to go to 20 calories a cup for a week and see how I do. I know, some of you are all like why not just stop drinking coffee, some of you are shocked I'd go black, some of you are rooting for me all the way, and some of you think I'm making too big a deal out this. I'd love to offer betting, I bet some of you would take it. I'd have silent anonymous bets coming in from deeper lurkers and never know which of you bet what and it would make me even more insane over my trackers. Some of you would like that, wouldn't you?
Do what you love, be who you are, embrace your moments. Coffee, sans coffee, 1000 calorie coffee, it's all good.
This month is like a brain and body crawl through pollen boot camp, and as another 20 days are slipping by already without seriously addressing goals and objectives, I've pretty much given up and settled for basic survival mode.
I generally stay off the health/med/spoonie forums when I'm like this, no sense jumping in or tangling or generally trying not to win contests. April is the month from hell for some of us, so let's just let this one go with f(x) where the function of aspienado is = an inverse ratio of pollen to airway (multiplied by fibromyalgia of the rib cage and sternum plus + sensation overload divided by / energy) minus - sleep lost squared.
Or something like that.
f(A)=pollen/airway({fibro+overload}/energy) - sleep lost squared.
The editor in here sux.
I'm sure I could complicate that equation with depression, but I'm too tired to care. I'm in 'hiding out' mode in general, avoiding talking to people. Well, I couldn't even talk in real life for about 2 weeks, and trying to still nearly sends me into coughing fits. Worst. Allergy. Season. Ever.
Imagine me actually wanting to talk on a phone to a real live person this month. I've actually been in the mood to talk on the phone, and there's just almost no way I can. I need a small amount of comfort, a real human voice on the other end of my tech. I doubt anyone wants to hear me struggling with trying not to cough.
I'm too tired to cry, thank goodness, because that makes anything remotely airway exponentially worse. I'm too tired to watch TV. I can barely concentrate on reading. I've been steadily plowing my way through acres of cobblestone, sand, and forests on minecraft just to be busy doing something. In multiplayer I'm at least watching a chat and sometimes responding with filling a request for a store item. The barest of human contact.
This kind of month is perfect for sliding off into random whatever catches my interest, so I've been following Bunny Bennett's vlogs about transitioning. I'm not gender dysphoric because I've always felt so disconnected anyway via asexuality and weird synesthesia and generally prefer androgyny because it's just easier and I'm lazy (and allergic to make up and salon products, but I digress), but I've known a number of people for years who are, and I've heard much the same thing from all of them. When I retailed in lingerie, I often helped men shop for everything from support hosiery and shapewear (some jobs are hell on varicose veins and hernias) to everything frilly and all kinds of bras, and I never felt uncomfortable because I've never felt sexually biased in the first place. I never cared whether I was girl or boy. I can easily pass for either one.
But I am dysphoric. I've been very upset since I was a very small child that I am human. I was angry with God for years for forcing me to be born into a human body instead of a dog or a horse. I went out of my way to mimic being dogs and horses, and daydreamed about being a horse well into puberty. I'm definitely in the wrong body. I feel clumsy and awkward and like this is all wrong.
So I totally get transgender. The male/female thing not feeling right probably has the same sort of roots, because everything in the brain is chemical and hormonal. I know mine are all wrong, because I can feel it. Nothing fits right, I don't fit right, I'm uncomfortable like this, and it's been a really big deal having to hide how I really feel and try, if not to actually fit in, at least pretend to want to. And I don't even want to. And I suck at pretending.
I have no idea if this is relatable to people who feel compelled to change their bodies to be more animal or go out of their way to paint or laser animal spots or markings all over their bodies. I could care less how THIS body looks, and I see no reason to spend my time mimicking another body in this one. I'm so disconnected from this body that I simply just live in it, the same way you live in an apartment. Yeah, it's mine, and yeah, I take care of it and keep it cleaned up and I'm kind of picky about a few things, but I'm not going to miss it in my next life. Which hopefully is on another planet or nebula or dimension or something.
When I'm like this I'm not easy to be around, so I don't bother people. I'm just tired, and that makes me feel more impatient. It's already hard understanding convos most of the time anyway because of the asperger's, so I've learned just let it go. Trying to get a grip on my head and steer it when it's like this is about as dumb as trying to ride an ostrich, so howdy Pinky blog, you're my buddy right now.
I would love to have a real convo about feeling dysphoric with someone besides my psychologist, and I bet I'd be able to get a hilarious live stream hangout going over it, but even if someone volunteered right now to babysit me through tech setup, I would be such a drag to work with my brain flat like this that the fun part wouldn't last very long for me. I get these really cool ideas, and I keep saying I need staff, I need a team, and I've yet to find anyone 1- willing to embarrass themselves to death in public with me, 2- go through the popularity stoning I've been through over the years, 3- deal well with public instead of starting fights, and 4- actually help with the real work.
Several people have suggested vlogging (bless your hearts). I vlogged one year, around 2008 I think, and people actually watched the vids. I kept them fairly short because I don't sit still that long and I bore myself to death just talking (I'm not a natural talker), but it was a bad year going on worse, and I just wiped them out. But I have absolutely no qualms about how I look in public, and as long as I'm not expected to pretend anything or have to sit still too long, I imagine I could do just fine, except I hit all the wrong buttons like a super klutz. I do that in minecraft, too, basically throw wool at zombies, like I'm making knitting buddies or something.
This is long, and I wound up skyping, so maybe I'll just post it. I haven't even proofed it yet, no telling what you'll get. Here, click this and go look at food. You're welcome.
I've long thought there are only 3 things you need to take down a spaceship full of baddies in less than a month without fighting- slyly reset the time chronometer to a 22 hour day, gradually replace all meals with pastry snacks and sugary drinks, and slowly ramp up the air vents to spew over 120 grains of pollen per cubic meter of air. I figure nearly everyone would feel so rotten by the end of the month that they'd be easy to take down. And if they're allowed medical treatment for reflux, headaches, and allergy symptoms, slip in meds that'll just knock them out cold.
I actually think of stuff like this every time I see any kind of space wars. Are they getting scientifically proven top notch diets? Are they performing at their best? What about the 'good guys'? Are they hanging around cantinas getting wasted and gambling? Are they gunslinging on lowered inhibitions and 'medicinally' *ahem* induced bravado? Are they fighting for their right to party?
I really see no need for all the whacking and blasting. Just make everyone miserable and then get them all wasted. Saves on resources, less carnage to clean up.
I'd be a really badass mofo. By the time you'd see me actually arriving, it would already be way too late. My people will have already infiltrated your people and twisted you all up into puny whiny babies. I know every angle of human fail, and I know how to make it happen.
Back to weird reality. My debit card renewed and I forgot to reset all my monthly auto-payments, so naturally I started getting email alerts. OH, YEAH. So yesterday I'm going through my ledger and logging into all those accounts for a card that expires 4/19, and whadayaknow, the date was 4/19, lol. Woulda been more fun to tell if the new card expired on 4/20 and I was doing all that today.
I'm celebrating 420 all week with so much zyrtec and benadryl that I can barely think, time feels dilated and weird, and I keep passing out on the couch in between munchies and an occasional load of laundry. I don't even know how I drove into town yesterday for a blood pressure check. It's great, by the way. Everything's great. Just swimming through enough pollen to take out half the Death Star. I'm near an edge of the Busiek State Forest and not that far from the Mark Twain National Forest, and I'm pretty sure this whole nature vs humans things is all just a big misunderstanding, like, we should've just kept going to the next planet or something.
By the way, James Cameron has announced more Avatar movies coming, and don't even get me started. People in concrete jungles might fall for that level of brain retraining, but I live in the heart of real Avatar country and there is nothing on this earth that could ever prepare you for getting poison ivy, poison oak, wasp and bee stings, brown recluse spider bites, copperhead snake bites, thousands of seed ticks, hundreds of chiggers, and other rashes, bites, and stings galore all on the same day. You guys have no idea how many noobs visit our area from big cities and go hiking around in shorts thinking they're communing with nature and come back so ill and messed up that they swear off nature forever. My area is well known for rabies and distemper, as well, liberally spread by wildlife. If you care about your dog at all, don't let it run through the woods. If your cat gets out, just kiss it goodbye. Cats love this level of hell. They thrive here. Feral cats are one of our biggest problems.
And that's not even counting the pollen. Scoff all you want. It's rugged and beautiful, but when you hear about Alfie Bolin and his gang holing up in one of the caves, imagine how mean you'd have to be to survive existing like that without the luxuries in life, like take-out and batteries and advil.
It's all cute till someone gets stung by a sweat bee at Silver Dollar City. I'll never forget one woman throwing fits in our hotel over being eaten alive by chiggers. You can't tell people 'stay off the grass' and 'take bug spray' and 'wear jeans and socks'. They don't listen.
Sorry, just noticed I'm still here yapping away. It's the zyrtec.
Proof that it all started in March.
This song is still in my head, so I'm going with it. Salut to all my fellow allergy sufferers.
