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Wednesday, April 20, 2016

420 on zyrtec

In case you need pollen memes. <-- click that

I've long thought there are only 3 things you need to take down a spaceship full of baddies in less than a month without fighting- slyly reset the time chronometer to a 22 hour day, gradually replace all meals with pastry snacks and sugary drinks, and slowly ramp up the air vents to spew over 120 grains of pollen per cubic meter of air. I figure nearly everyone would feel so rotten by the end of the month that they'd be easy to take down. And if they're allowed medical treatment for reflux, headaches, and allergy symptoms, slip in meds that'll just knock them out cold.

I actually think of stuff like this every time I see any kind of space wars. Are they getting scientifically proven top notch diets? Are they performing at their best? What about the 'good guys'? Are they hanging around cantinas getting wasted and gambling? Are they gunslinging on lowered inhibitions and 'medicinally' *ahem* induced bravado? Are they fighting for their right to party?

I really see no need for all the whacking and blasting. Just make everyone miserable and then get them all wasted. Saves on resources, less carnage to clean up.

I'd be a really badass mofo. By the time you'd see me actually arriving, it would already be way too late. My people will have already infiltrated your people and twisted you all up into puny whiny babies. I know every angle of human fail, and I know how to make it happen.

Back to weird reality. My debit card renewed and I forgot to reset all my monthly auto-payments, so naturally I started getting email alerts. OH, YEAH. So yesterday I'm going through my ledger and logging into all those accounts for a card that expires 4/19, and whadayaknow, the date was 4/19, lol. Woulda been more fun to tell if the new card expired on 4/20 and I was doing all that today.

I'm celebrating 420 all week with so much zyrtec and benadryl that I can barely think, time feels dilated and weird, and I keep passing out on the couch in between munchies and an occasional load of laundry. I don't even know how I drove into town yesterday for a blood pressure check. It's great, by the way. Everything's great. Just swimming through enough pollen to take out half the Death Star. I'm near an edge of the Busiek State Forest and not that far from the Mark Twain National Forest, and I'm pretty sure this whole nature vs humans things is all just a big misunderstanding, like, we should've just kept going to the next planet or something.

By the way, James Cameron has announced more Avatar movies coming, and don't even get me started. People in concrete jungles might fall for that level of brain retraining, but I live in the heart of real Avatar country and there is nothing on this earth that could ever prepare you for getting poison ivy, poison oak, wasp and bee stings, brown recluse spider bites, copperhead snake bites, thousands of seed ticks, hundreds of chiggers, and other rashes, bites, and stings galore all on the same day. You guys have no idea how many noobs visit our area from big cities and go hiking around in shorts thinking they're communing with nature and come back so ill and messed up that they swear off nature forever. My area is well known for rabies and distemper, as well, liberally spread by wildlife. If you care about your dog at all, don't let it run through the woods. If your cat gets out, just kiss it goodbye. Cats love this level of hell. They thrive here. Feral cats are one of our biggest problems.

And that's not even counting the pollen. Scoff all you want. It's rugged and beautiful, but when you hear about Alfie Bolin and his gang holing up in one of the caves, imagine how mean you'd have to be to survive existing like that without the luxuries in life, like take-out and batteries and advil.

It's all cute till someone gets stung by a sweat bee at Silver Dollar City. I'll never forget one woman throwing fits in our hotel over being eaten alive by chiggers. You can't tell people 'stay off the grass' and 'take bug spray' and 'wear jeans and socks'. They don't listen.

Sorry, just noticed I'm still here yapping away. It's the zyrtec.

Proof that it all started in March.



This song is still in my head, so I'm going with it. Salut to all my fellow allergy sufferers.

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