-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero, this blog is PinkyGuerrero, ongoing continuation at blogs Pinky & Janika & Basically Clueless & PinkFeldspar, in that order.
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Saturday, April 30, 2016

you know you're all a bunch of gerbils, right?

My head doth protest. I quip that it's going soft, to crawl back to the primordial ooze it organized from and weep, and it tells me it needs more coffee first.

lol, click for cute blog
I used to be so tough, springing forth and getting right to work at 3 and 4 a.m. Lately I'm staggering forth, whining, and this in spite of a virtual A+ with the psychiatrist yesterday. Is this what normal feels like? My God, how do you people stand it?

Ok, I mock. It's been a very long month in a very long year. I feel like I've already slammed through 6 months, not 4. Every day I'm still amazed at how quickly I'm cramming things into my head now, miles of tutorials, hours of vids and streams and recordings, even actually reading a book in between all of it, and this on top of keeping up with my house and my errands. This month has truly sucked, and yet I still conquer in so many little ways.

I used to curl up on the couch at a certain time every day. I used to pace out my days in increments just to get a few things done. I used to hang on by my fingernails on a phone tethered to social media, and a few people thought I was already a machine back then.

I'm about to go full machine. I know, I keep saying I'm about to do something, have been saying it for years, and this is really no different, but my days have so drastically changed and I have become so capable that turning my attention to something produces results in one third the time now, or even less. Everything in my head is reorganizing, everything settling into a new rhythm, and I can feel serious flow logistics being tested. It wasn't that long ago that it took all the focus I could muster to produce content, and I did it out of sheer stubbornness.

The keyword yesterday was all the various incarnations of functionality. I have worked very hard to become a functional person, versus a dependent person. I am still dependent in many ways, and always will be. I need help with meeting my financial requirements, for example (for now- I still dream of shooting for some stars). My physical function, however, is nothing short of miraculous (and which I still work very hard for), my emotional function is probably the healthiest it's been in years, my cognitive function continues to improve (which was initially unplanned, and I'll probably always be glitchy, but I'm getting better at managing it), and my social function is at least remaining steady. By the way, both my psychologist and psychiatrist (back to back appointments this week) see my trend away from social media as a healthy one. (The diversion into minecraft is still up in the air.) I set up social media as a platform, it turned into a crutch, I know exactly when it started doing that and why, and I've reset back to my own path. Key phrase- my own path. As in not someone else's.

Speaking of my own path, this is happening. My followers know that I've recently very seriously downsized my twitter by over 1500 accounts, and that I'm not aggressively or even passively looking for more numbers. I understand that many people get asked to 'follow', but deeper waters across the years would reveal that I'm being asked to pledge my influence. I support a variety of fandoms, have even publicly supported a few funding drives, but I cannot support a site that directs actions I disagree with and then quietly solicits funds. I feel so strongly about this that I wrote about it and linked it across several medias, on SyfyDesigns on Facebook on grandfortuna, but I will be gracious enough to give my readers a chance to check it out and follow for themselves if they'd like. Just click this convo snip to reach twitter, and from there you can link to their dotcom in the bio.

I've made note in the past that a few Merlin fans have created the most brilliant and beautiful fansites I've ever seen, and they've inspired me deeply. I could be doing that same thing with Lexx, making a big beautiful site and quietly holding a donation jar just out of sight. I don't solicit fans. I especially don't use all the fan content I can find to promote my own fansite. In the past, when the Lexx fandom was more publicly active, yes, I rescued a site from utterly disappearing with its own blog (but you guys never saw me beg the original owner of the content to take ownership of the blog after all the work I did), showcased fan involvement (most of you never saw the flak I took for highlighting ostracized fans banished for not correctly playing the head games), and worked diligently to create diplomatic relationships with webmasters in other countries during raids and bombing blitzes that had most fans diving for cover. What webmasters of other fandoms may not know about me and my past is that I've already been threatened with lawsuits, already been asked by state police on a convention floor if I'd like to press charges, already heard every conceivable rant and wistful depression about bringing a show back.

Politely asking me to openly follow a fandom initiative hellbent on remolding the world to their wishes runs much deeper than politely just following back. What most of my Pinky readers (barring a few deep lurkers) wouldn't understand is the politically rippling message that would send across the other fandoms I support, and around the world. I am closely followed by several key webmasters in cities around the globe, and there are people who keep me on mobile notification day and night that you know nothing about.

So I sort of politely decline. I'll also add that after all the personal work I've put into my own emotional and social mental health, I'd invite a few other webmasters to do the same. This level of obsession is very unhealthy in my eyes, and to actually get so many people around the world worked up and following commands amounts to cult level leadership. I really don't want to see a bunch of Merlin fans drinking any kool-aid.

In case some of you think I'm being ridiculous, I'll just say back that I know a few private things that you don't about a few fans. It's neat that they collect all the things into internet scrapbooks and have the money or access or support to share real time travel stuff on sets and at airports and it's fun that we get inside snippets from unnamed unfaced people who are really inside and leak stuff out (I've been privy to a few really cool things), but when links go up for donations or a list of directives start rolling out, that's where I draw the line. Not accusing anyone of doing anything illegal, just saying I don't play the head games, and I don't expect fandoms to pay for what they see or get from me, and I especially don't require membership registration for anything I do. Everything I put on the medias is wide open to the public. I don't force lurkers to reveal themselves with forms and account IDs.

I won't go into why I don't monetize again. If you really want to know, here is my 'stat' tagged post list. I've turned down funding support and hosting several times through the years. I have bigger plans.

click for a delightful waste of time
Screeching around a corner into a wildly different topic, have you guys ever wondered where we get this automatic idea from that pandimensional beings either root for us or plot against us? Angels protect us (from what?), devils whisper in our ears (for what purpose?), fates taunt us while destinies call to us, and we oscillate betwixt guilt and glory in our tiny little minds. What in the world started all this?

I'm a Lewis fan, so of course I think The Screwtape Letters are the bomb, and Dr. Weston becoming a shell for that horrible evil thing in Perelandra was about the truly creepiest thing I ever read, but when it all boils down, I have found that the negativity of the dark side, as it were, can be brain-trained out of one's automatic response system. Why does the brain play these tricks? What is it about society that trains the brain to play these tricks? Is this a necessary survival mechanism for maintaining culture in general, and whose bright idea was it to incorporate it into mainstream cognitive programming of our species so many millennia ago? Because if you want to debate that with me sometime, I'd love to point out the all new brain training going in in current media, with Lucifer and the antiChrist and dark angels and whatevs being held up as entertainment icons. Is the general public now being calloused to the old ways through repetitive story bending, or is this a mass brain training at an all new level of doublethink? I see way too many 'Christians' and other spiritually minded people out there slurping up every sloppy splat of blood and angst they can get on the networks, and I'm wondering how empty some of you are to be this thrilled with 'new' ways of thinking. I'm watching the old open minded Star Trek fandoms being dumbed down to devil fans and wondering just who's in charge here.

I don't believe in accidents of fate, but I believe in synchronicity. One could argue this is basically the same thing, but not really. Just as the universe is webbed with dark matter and our brains are webbed with neural pathways, so the human race is webbed like a network around our globe. The pattern is the same, no matter how big or how small. We are all part of each other, and we are all part of the whole thing. It would be one thing if we moved in tandem with our own species, but we don't, we continually disrupt each other with negativity. Some postulate this negativity was introduced by dark forces that beguile and deceive us, some are convinced it's just part of our nature. The dark forces have been explained as everything from fallen angels and demons to aliens who once visited our planet and may still walk among us, and the nature explanations throw babies out with baths unable to take sides on justice and moral principles without begging all kinds of questions.

I won't go over everything I've ever read, which is quite a lot, going back thousands of years, studies from every conceivable angle (including science), and even the new medical philosophies. I'm just asking where it comes from. No one knows. It's still just a guess. Our brains haunt us, and we are trapped in them, an existential horror that no one can grasp enough to say why it's even happening. I personally think it should be impossible to be this aware in a universe where the only thing that happens is cause and effect. The observer thing only confuses us. I think we're still not looking deep enough. Our minds are still too tiny.

So, back to in the moment. What is right and what is wrong in any given moment and what we do with our time here is completely up to us. We can blame it on whatever we want, but in the end I think all our motivations boil down to whether we are selfish or selfless. I've said this before, a long time ago somewhere, that I think all our miseries really do boil down to this- selfish people ruin things, selfless people fix things. Human brains are natural problem solving machines. With good directives, humans do amazing things. With bad programming, humans do despicable things.

So I'm asking who is doing the brain training? Who is programming all this philosophical frappe into our entertainment? Who is breaking down the barriers and remodeling what is good and bad for our amusement? I'm not against it, but I'm a little surprised by the flocks that fall into it so quickly. I'm not seeing a lot of thought being generated about what our entertainment industry is slipping into our belief system cocktails. I'm all for shaking things up, but part of that shaking up needs to contain more than being upset that our favorite character died or that a show got canceled. I'm saying this across the board, not because of the Merlin thing up there. I'm seeing this everywhere, all around me. Are we really so spiritually bereft that we cannot handle dozens of icons almost being force fed to us (think about it- you pay them to let you beg for programming...) and then ripped away? We are practically drowning in heroic characters, or at least stoic ones. The fictional characters we idolize far outnumber the amount of people we know in real life now. We live in a dichotomy, lead double lives. What are we hanging onto, and why? It's ok to question what's in your head.

I've been able to slack off on the benadryl a bit this week, thanks to storms. Here's to hoping tree season is just about over. I'm tired of being pickled on H1 blockers.

Next week I start the hard stuff again, back in physical therapy.