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-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Friday, April 22, 2016

scattered in a focused kind of way, sort of

my new theater next to my evil conference room and shark tank

Looking at 4:28 a.m. wondering where in the world all the days went because it was just 4/20...

I made the executive decision last night to break my evening zyrtec in half. Yesterday's point of saturation created mildly dissonant leaps into alternate dimensions, and I'm losing track of the important stuff, like suddenly realizing yesterday that my automatic withdrawals for my part D and F plans might still be screwed by the 4/19 thing and then promptly forgetting it.

I'm barely even out on the medias and still managed to tick someone off yesterday, so I'm going to keep sticking to minecraft or something. I dreamed last night we could make real life stuff with minecraft, and I had made a nice RV like rich people have when they do travel vacations, filled it full of neat stuff, and then other people showed up one day and totally griefed it, just tore it apart and took everything. All my clothes were gone, my debit card had been in one of the minecraft bureau drawers in one of the little bedrooms, so that was gone, all the food was gone, and I was just stuck with everything gone and no way to replace it. I had to start all over from scratch. Since I've literally gone through that on blogs and had to start all over again on social medias, the dream doesn't surprise me. I'm sure the debit card part came from having to update my info across all those accounts.

I think this is the most off track I've been since I came back out in 2012. Every month has been a real grind through something. I keep reminding myself I still haven't made any money mixups for months now (almost a year), which is really big. Whatever ground I feel like I'm losing is still progress.

Statcounter says I've just passed in the first 4 months of this year on Pinky blog what I got in the whole year of 2014, which is interesting because this blog has actually slowed down quite a bit. Lexxperience blog is about to catch up to and pass last year already and I've barely posted. Everything else is declining, which is logical since the other blogs are just sitting there.

I've been talking with Myke about Lexx on SyfyDesigns, about how the forums out there are kind of going down as people go MIA for whatever reasons, and how maybe it's time to step up and offer another forum on neutral turf (Myke has never been part of any of the older fandom forums and doesn't have a clue about how political the fandom history got). Right now SyfyDesigns is still in a pre-something stage and fairly locked down, contributors must contact Myke personally for registration, which means bots don't get into the forum. I've felt almost headlocked over the way I'm watching what's left of the public fandom on U.S. and Canadian soil kind of wind down to nothing, like an old clock, and I think it has everything to do with all of us getting older and money getting a little tighter. Anyway, Myke has graciously created a separate forum space for Lexx, and I'm going to see what I can do with it over this year. I'd love to get a few fans in there with me, but it would all be public and Lexx fans are generally super skittish.

Ok, that was a big thing. I just wrote out a proposal and posted it all over the place. It's funny how I can get something big done and whipped out and still feel brainless and like I'm faceflopping all over my day.

I always still pause wherever I'm working to watch the first blush of morning
that will always be magical for me
I've still been thinking about the dysphoria thing. Dysphoria can be any self image distortion, doesn't have to be gender, like skinny people actually thinking they're fat, or really pretty people feeling ugly, or someone (either sex) losing hair (I've been through that), or people who've been through body and face changing accidents or illnesses coping through the dysphoria of looking completely different now. It's a thing with chickens, too, they're very self aware. If you have an evil hen that won't stop beating other chickens up, you can sometimes curb that behavior by marking a wild discolored spot somewhere (nontoxic, because preening). I've seen chickens go through status changes during molting, so it's not just a human thing to be aware of how we look, and whether we are confident or not in how we look on top of the awareness.

But you all know how I feel about confidence.

For instance, I wasn't confident when I posted that proposal in other people's facebook groups or a picture of myself in a Lexx t-shirt on twitter and facebook, but I'm so used to the idea now that haters dis me anyway that it's less and less of a bump in my road now. I really haven't had to deal with much in the way of haters last few years anyway, but I'm not out there trying to start trubbas, either. Some people might think that proposal is very arrogant of me and none of my business, others might think yay, the ones who really need to see it might not even see it at all, in which case it'll fall flat.

I know, kinda blathering away the morning. Steamed up 10 pounds of pork ribs yesterday (Ruby Tuesday secret- super slow steam rib racks tightly sealed in a low heat oven with an inch of water), sauce it up, throw back in the oven on 'warm' for an hour, delightfully tender and the bones slip right out. I'm sure we'll be sick of ribs by the time weekend is over.

Me the rest of my life. This is how my head works when I think of all the things I still want to do.

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