scattered in a focused kind of way, sort of

my new theater next to my evil conference room and shark tank

Looking at 4:28 a.m. wondering where in the world all the days went because it was just 4/20...

I made the executive decision last night to break my evening zyrtec in half. Yesterday's point of saturation created mildly dissonant leaps into alternate dimensions, and I'm losing track of the important stuff, like suddenly realizing yesterday that my automatic withdrawals for my part D and F plans might still be screwed by the 4/19 thing and then promptly forgetting it.

I'm barely even out on the medias and still managed to tick someone off yesterday, so I'm going to keep sticking to minecraft or something. I dreamed last night we could make real life stuff with minecraft, and I had made a nice RV like rich people have when they do travel vacations, filled it full of neat stuff, and then other people showed up one day and totally griefed it, just tore it apart and took everything. All my clothes were gone, my debit card had been in one of the minecraft bureau drawers in one of the little bedrooms, so that was gone, all the food was gone, and I was just stuck with everything gone and no way to replace it. I had to start all over from scratch. Since I've literally gone through that on blogs and had to start all over again on social medias, the dream doesn't surprise me. I'm sure the debit card part came from having to update my info across all those accounts.

I think this is the most off track I've been since I came back out in 2012. Every month has been a real grind through something. I keep reminding myself I still haven't made any money mixups for months now (almost a year), which is really big. Whatever ground I feel like I'm losing is still progress.

Statcounter says I've just passed in the first 4 months of this year on Pinky blog what I got in the whole year of 2014, which is interesting because this blog has actually slowed down quite a bit. Lexxperience blog is about to catch up to and pass last year already and I've barely posted. Everything else is declining, which is logical since the other blogs are just sitting there.

I've been talking with Myke about Lexx on SyfyDesigns, about how the forums out there are kind of going down as people go MIA for whatever reasons, and how maybe it's time to step up and offer another forum on neutral turf (Myke has never been part of any of the older fandom forums and doesn't have a clue about how political the fandom history got). Right now SyfyDesigns is still in a pre-something stage and fairly locked down, contributors must contact Myke personally for registration, which means bots don't get into the forum. I've felt almost headlocked over the way I'm watching what's left of the public fandom on U.S. and Canadian soil kind of wind down to nothing, like an old clock, and I think it has everything to do with all of us getting older and money getting a little tighter. Anyway, Myke has graciously created a separate forum space for Lexx, and I'm going to see what I can do with it over this year. I'd love to get a few fans in there with me, but it would all be public and Lexx fans are generally super skittish.

Ok, that was a big thing. I just wrote out a proposal and posted it all over the place. It's funny how I can get something big done and whipped out and still feel brainless and like I'm faceflopping all over my day.

I always still pause wherever I'm working to watch the first blush of morning
that will always be magical for me

I've still been thinking about the dysphoria thing. Dysphoria can be any self image distortion, doesn't have to be gender, like skinny people actually thinking they're fat, or really pretty people feeling ugly, or someone (either sex) losing hair (I've been through that), or people who've been through body and face changing accidents or illnesses coping through the dysphoria of looking completely different now. It's a thing with chickens, too, they're very self aware. If you have an evil hen that won't stop beating other chickens up, you can sometimes curb that behavior by marking a wild discolored spot somewhere (nontoxic, because preening). I've seen chickens go through status changes during molting, so it's not just a human thing to be aware of how we look, and whether we are confident or not in how we look on top of the awareness.

But you all know how I feel about confidence.

For instance, I wasn't confident when I posted that proposal in other people's facebook groups or a picture of myself in a Lexx t-shirt on twitter and facebook, but I'm so used to the idea now that haters dis me anyway that it's less and less of a bump in my road now. I really haven't had to deal with much in the way of haters last few years anyway, but I'm not out there trying to start trubbas, either. Some people might think that proposal is very arrogant of me and none of my business, others might think yay, the ones who really need to see it might not even see it at all, in which case it'll fall flat.

I know, kinda blathering away the morning. Steamed up 10 pounds of pork ribs yesterday (Ruby Tuesday secret- super slow steam rib racks tightly sealed in a low heat oven with an inch of water), sauce it up, throw back in the oven on 'warm' for an hour, delightfully tender and the bones slip right out. I'm sure we'll be sick of ribs by the time weekend is over.

Me the rest of my life. This is how my head works when I think of all the things I still want to do.

playing with the fandom immortals

I may be getting a custom built Lamborghini for Christmas- MSI GE Series, 12-16 GB DDR3, Intel i7 processor, 256 GB SSD, 1TB HDD, dedicated Nvidia video card... It'll probably be something close to this. Won't be getting it from Best Buy, though.

I neither asked for it nor was expecting it. I think @bonenado just knows I'm doing with lappy what I did with my old phone, running it down until there is just nothing left. This will probably be my MOD for awhile after the holidays. (method of destruction)


I'm also not very adaptable to change and tend to go gloriously down with my ship. This is me and lappy crashing soon irl.


Oh, by the way, I made @bonenado chief admin over my tech staff now. I have staff!!!!

Speaking of adaptable, Ellen Dubin lightly cajoled me for not being all over a Lexx instagram. Ok, I'm sure she had no idea that even pointing something out to aspienado is a full-on challenge. Of course "Lexx" and even "Lexxperience" were taken (THAT is why I didn't go there, I was kinda ticked about that when I found it awhile back) (I take things personally that have nothing to do with me) (that's what evil villains DO), and I had made a lame generic account instead to follow a couple people and then never use again. So ok, dragged my butt back over there, used my NAME, and now I've got an instagram account linked to my Lexxperience facebook page. And I'm following Ellen Dubin on instragram, go do that right now, guys.

I'll be truthful, I find instagram clumsy for the kind of work I do. If I ever wind up on a convention floor again, sure, fine, I'll fill instagram up right and left, but I'm already paying for premium photobucket and self hosting probably over ten thousand pix across the webs by now. I'm not paying for instagram. Well, yet. If I can pay for Jib-Jab, favstar, paper.li, littlelexx.net, statcounter, and several of my own blogs and domains, yeah, I'll probably wind up paying for instagram. But not yet.

By the way, this is not me. Other people use the Lexxperience handle as a monicker. I don't. All my Lexxperience stuff is out in the open and linked and utterly consumed with Lexx. My monickers are Pinky, Janika, and in the past were Bluejacky or Yablo. I don't toy around with my passions and leave them dangling like that person did in that forum.

ONE person caught this retweet and said it looked like fossilized dead Lexx. Brava.

:edit: Some content removed due to conflict of interest. 3-27-16

I realized again last night I really do need a professional handler to help me interface. I think more people realize stuff than I do, takes Pinky Robot so long to process, the real time stuff gets pretty overwhelming. But now I need to gather myself and GET TO WORK! >=l FOCUS!!!

I'm feeling excessively super focused this morning, what can I say. Wait, that vid was NSFW. Hang on. Rats, I'm veering off, little too intense. Gritting my teeth, steeling my will. I've gotta go back to some solid standbys.




Time to rock the world.

SyfyDesigns

Two years ago today, Xanga disappeared for about 7 weeks. I had a safety net at SyfyDesigns.com, thanks to Myke.

Tomorrow is Myke's birthday, lol.

Two years ago I went through an unimaginable upheaval interrupting all my plans and goals and challenging me with a financial commitment that I never dreamed I'd have to make. @bonenado and I scraped up several thousand $$ putting together a rescue operation for a plan that has no guarantee of payback, much less actually working. With our lives already flipping upside down over rumors of a company sale coming up on top of two new babies and all the extra complications that entailed, and that on top of my ongoing recovery plan, we somehow pulled rabbits out of hats and found ways to not only keep the original plan from epic fail, but extend it with further commitment to a fandom, of all things.

While we made our own commitments, Myke was making his, and he freely opened SyfyDesigns.com to me as a campsite, an anchor, a network of other people who helped keep me emotionally stabilized while I made my way through one of the most complicated messes I've been through since bankruptcy and my disability case, and that was way less stressful than the Xanga server move disrupting my plans and years of hard work.

The SGA Rising twitter gang meeting in chat for watch parties was the start of my extension to other very real people in the Stargate Atlantis fandom trying to get together beyond twitter, and after considerable effort I readapted back to both chat and forum after years of fandom absence, and from there leaped back to the Lexx fandom and financially committed to the LittleLexx.net forum.

Without Myke in my life during the Xanga crisis, without his merry band of SGA miscreants, without their continual public and private support and the eventual pull into the #SnarkAlecs, I may never have hung on through the stress. Because Myke was there for me, because his friends were there for me, because more of their friends were there for me, I am still here.

Along the way, my plans grew tenfold. My goals have become super goals. The continual support helped me grow and flex new muscles, gave me confidence when the ground fell out from under me, made me feel like part of a team and, even more, part of the world I'd reclused away from for so long. Along the way #aspienado became a thing, then #Lexxperience and Lexxperience.com, things I never originally planned on but which helped merge my networks into a whole new blog empire goal set with an all new Pinky blog commandeering my rescued blog fleet, and then twitter hashtag days filled my sails with the wind I needed. Now everything I'm doing goes far beyond my original plans, something I've dreamed of but never expected when I first started back up.

I owe Myke so much for my first real bridge back out of myself into the general internet public, into helping me create a new way of interacting that would ultimately keep me on a positive and emotionally healthy track toward my goals. We had no idea at the time, of course. Everything was touch and go on the fly. It was me hanging on by my fingernails, and exactly what I needed when I needed something the most.

SyfyDesigns.com has grown along the way, too. It now regularly hosts Late Night Movie on Friday and Saturday nights, with twitter links being sent out to a list of regulars, and weekends have become a marvelous chat party with friends popping in and out and having a ball. A few other content contributors have come on board, as well, so I no longer feel like I'm running up and down empty hallways sliding in my sox, lol.

I feel like I have been blessed with friends multiplying exponentially in all directions, and I'm finally in a place in my life and my head where I can truly appreciate that. Whereas several years ago I could barely handle interacting with one fandom at a time, I now network in a new way with multiple fandoms, and talk to fans and professionals in several entertainment fields. I intend for SyfyDesigns.com to remain my main homebase come what may, my Atlantis, as it were. I think Myke has bigger plans as well, and as more time goes by, I hope to see some very exciting stuff happen for both of us.