-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Tuesday, April 12, 2016

riding in the midnight blue

Lost 4 pounds so far in the last 7 days. I'll take it. Had my first blood work up in a year yesterday, got 106 on glucose, yay! Last year got right up there on the edge again (126), hadn't gotten that bad since I was first diagnosed and changed my diet, so I was slacking last year.

My poor little brain is barely working, though. I mean, I can go deep in my head and type words, but interaction has been really hard this week. I don't think it got this hard all winter, and winter is usually when it's the hardest. Was feeling like a loser flop when @bonenado pointed out how well yesterday went compared to years past (I was his driver for medical stuff), and he's right. Even on my worst days now I am so way better than when I wrote The Nerdist Score- aspie spoonie Lexx fan on a mission 2 1/2 years ago. It feels longer ago than that. And of course, when I wrote it, I had no idea how involved our lives would be around Bunny and several other things, so I no longer think in terms of going off track or time schedules. Priority is enjoy. If I'm not enjoying something I'm doing, then I'm doing it wrong. Keeping expectations in the back of my mind to gauge progress is only frustrating me. I wouldn't trade a thing.

Bunny at the circus

Batman Bathes

I have a hard time with mediocre. I'm a perfectionist, or at least obsessive, and one of the biggest lessons learned last few years is it's ok to slack off. The idea is sifting in that it might be ok to not feel at all satisfied with the book. I'm not enjoying it. I love writing words, it's my favorite thing. I'm not quite sure when this whole project became work, maybe over the last year, and work is not how things get done with me. I grew up breaking child labor laws, ground my head through a degree, and I can't go out like that.

Blogging has been work, yes. So has physical therapy. But what always gets me through is the running dialogue and theme music going on in my head while I do everything. I broke through to my reality last fall and crashed into sad (and hostile), and I look back now and see I was doing way too much. No wonder I couldn't keep my focus. Had to let a few things go.

7 years ago I could barely even read between occipital and trigeminal nerve pain and severe headaches. I lived in sunglasses and needed assistance with nearly everything I did, including self care. Life was so awful I barely had a reason to live. I created this internet project to keep my mind occupied on a goal so I could have something to focus on through ungodly pain.

And now I'm kind of on the other side feeling like a flop because my brain fell out again and I'm a spacecase, and @bonenado reminded me I'm flying now. I'm way up in the sky looking down on all the things. I'm not a worm crawling on the ground any more.

I can't thank her enough for catching my soul before it fell out of the sky. RPG in oddizm Some might say just close my eyes and don't look, but I have to look down see how far I've come.

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